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I think I’m screwed.
His lips are moving, I shouldn’t be staring at them… I should listen to what he is saying but I can’t process a single word. I have to stop this but they look so kissable… Honestly, I don’t know when it started but I can’t stop looking at him even when I’m mid conversation with someone. The moment he walks in my eyes darts over to him in an instant. If I had to compare it to something it would be similar to when your game freezes in the middle of a match and then after a moment it unfreezes…
Every time he speaks to me I get this fluttering sensation in my stomach or if we accidentally touch I get this rising feeling in my chest… However, if he catches me staring I immediately look away and my heart pounds like crazy… I think I’m down bad for him.
“Caelus, are you even listening to me?”
“Huh?”
“Are you okay? You look a bit warm?” Dan Heng said as he placed a hand on my forehead.
Startled back into the conversation I backpedaled, touching the place where his cool hand had just been. My heart was thumping so loudly to the point where I was wondering if I was having a heart attack. Not once had I reacted this strongly before to his touch, my cheeks were burning hot and there was this need to escape.
“I-I’m okay! Just a bit dazed! That’s all!” I replied, trying to sound as convincing as possible. However, the small furrow of those delicate brows of his proved that he wasn’t. I let out a nervous laughter while rubbing the back of my neck.
“You’ve been acting strange lately…” Dan Heng commented, “are you sure you’re alright?”
“Yeah! I’m all good!” I lied.
The intense gaze of scrutiny made my body tingle. “If only he could look at me with that intensity without that scrutiny would be nice… “ I thought and immediately caught my own mind drifting into areas where it shouldn’t.
With a heavy sigh Dan Heng finally said; “If you say so… I will be gone for a week so please do not do anything stupid”
“What do you mean stupid?!” I blurted out. “I’ve never done anything stupid!”
Dan Heng stared at me with an incredulous look. “Would you like an example? Just the other day–”
“Okay, maybe I do stupid things sometimes!” I interjected, not needing to be reminded about that time I tried to eat a random mushroom that I found in a trashcan… Dan Heng managed to stop me before I did…
“Right… ‘Sometimes’” he repeated with a flat voice.
“...I won’t do anything stupid”
“Give me a call if you need anything,” Dan Heng said in a hushed voice next to my ear while squeezing my shoulder gently as he walked past me. I held my breath from the closeness of his voice while a shiver went down my spine, glancing to where his hand was lingering before slipping off my shoulder. His touch was fizzying.
Exhaling once he was out of earshot I leaned against the wall in the passenger car while staring at the floor. “I’m screwed…” I thought while feeling how heat was coiling in my abdomen.
This was probably the most unproductive week I’ve ever had… doing absolutely nothing but lounging around in the archive or in my room… mainly contemplating over what exactly I felt towards Dan Heng. I knew I wanted him but at the same time unsure, did I just want to sleep with him or had I actually fallen for him? Putting it into words terrified me… since what if he didn’t feel the same for me? If he did then he was damn good at hiding it.
I let out a heavy sigh as I went from sitting normally on the couch to sitting on my knees, elbows on the backrest while staring at the stars through the window. All this thinking made my mind spin, resting my chin onto my hands as I let out another sigh. These emotions were complex, everything suddenly turned into a complicated mess… We are friends, teammates and even if I don’t know what it’s like to have a family I would describe this as having a family at least.
“What are you spacing out for?” March asked from somewhere behind me.
“Nothing” I replied absentmindedly, not in the mood for small talk.
“Are you lonely without Dan Heng?”
“Yeah”
“Do you miss him?”
“Yeah”
“Are you in love with him?”
“Ye–” I stopped myself mid-answer, whipping my head around so quickly I almost lost my balance. “Wait what?!” I asked in utter shock when I realised what questions she had been asking, with rapid movements I got off the couch and came to a stand.
“Wow, you must have been in deep thoughts” She snickered.
I stared at her, opening my mouth to say something but I couldn’t. I had answered her questions completely subconsciously without even paying any form of attention to them.
“What are you two talking about?”
“Speak of the devil!” She said in a playful tone.
Slowly turning my head to my left hand side, watching how Dan Heng stood there watching us. “How long has he been standing there?!” I asked myself while a sense of dread washed over me.
“When did you get back?” I asked slowly.
“Just now.” He replied and looked at me with a weird look.
“Listen to this Dan Heng! Caelus’ in lo–!”
Realising straight away what she was about to say I covered her mouth in the blink of an eye. “We were just talking about some random stuff!” I said hurriedly.
Dan Heng raised an eyebrow and studied us for a long moment when I suddenly felt March stepped onto my foot real hard.
“March what the hell?!” I yelled out in pain.
“Don’t yell at me!” She retorted, “Just because you can’t admit that you’re in love!”
“With who?” Dan Heng suddenly asked in a tone I didn’t recognise.
I quickly looked over to him, his gaze was pretty dark or grim? I couldn’t tell, but what I did know was that he seemed to be upset or angry over March’s statement. I wanted to run away from this situation and before March even managed to get another word out, I ran. Not even bothering to look back, there was no way I could face Dan Heng now… Not when March decided to say that out loud and what if she told him the fact that I had fallen for him?
Shutting the door to my room behind me and with long strides I went straight for the sink in my bathroom, splashing my face with cold water. With trembling hands I reached for the towel to dry my face. “I’m totally screwed…”
With heavy steps I walked over to my bed and sat down on the bed bench. Leaning back onto the bed, not the most comfortable position but I didn’t care. I stared at the ceiling while contemplating on how to deal with this unexpected turn of events, not being able to come up with a single idea. Another fact is that by me running away definitely made things worse or more suspicious at least… but I found it a bit peculiar how Dan Heng seemed perturbed about that statement? Did it bother him that much?
My door slammed open along with firm footsteps. Startled, I sat up wondering who didn’t know how to knock, only to see Dan Heng looking at me with a complicated expression.
“For you to not knock…” I said carefully, pretending as if nothing had happened. “Is it an emergency?”
“Is it true?”
“What’s true?” I asked while acting to not know, his voice definitely sounded strained.
“Don’t play dumb with me,” Dan Heng answered.
The bite in his tone made me wince, averting my gaze since I couldn’t look at him straight. It was a simple yes or no question but I couldn’t answer it, rather I didn’t want to. I chewed my lip, weighing my options and everything came back to the same thing; be honest. I’m a horrible liar and Dan Heng knows that, everyone knows that.
“What’s it to you?” I questioned. “What am I saying?”
“Just tell me”
“Just answer my question,” I countered, feeling how my voice was starting to waver. I couldn’t understand why he needed to know but I also wanted him to know.
“Cae–”
“Why would it matter to you if I’m in love with someone or not?” I continued, words just kept coming out and none of it was something I wanted to say. I didn’t even understand why I was blowing it out of proportion either, for some reason my heart felt mushy… my throat felt constricted.
“It’s not like it matters to you anyway” I shrugged and I felt the panic rising inside, I couldn’t understand why I was acting like this.
“It does matter, Caelus!” He said firmly, grabbing both of my shoulders as he went down on his knees in front of me, forcing me out of my spiraling mind. “I need to know because I don’t want you looking at someone else…” He finished with a low voice.
My heart skipped a beat, I sat there stunned, staring at him, wondering if I had heard him correctly. It didn’t make sense in my head, what did he mean by that and why did he sound desperate? Without thinking I asked; “Why would I look at anyone else when I have you?”
Once those words were out there was no going back, my heart hammered against my chest as I realised what I had said. That question, no it was a statement… it came out as it was the most obvious thing that existed. I quickly looked away, had I answered his first question directly; no, definitely not. However, had I answered that question indirectly? Yes, without doubt, yes.
“R-right! I forgot–” I started with a nervous laughter while trying to get up but got pushed back down onto the bed bench. My eyes widened as that rising sensation came flooding when I met Dan Heng’s gaze.
“If I understood you correctly, you’re looking at me?” Dan Heng asked, but his tone was hesitant, timid almost.
My mouth went dry, seeing how Dan Heng was now towering over me with that intense gaze of his. Although, this time it wasn’t with scrutiny, but something else. “I–... did I say that?”
“You did,” Dan Heng stated, his grip tightening on my shoulders.
I quickly reached for his wrists and tried to pry him off me but failed miserably as his hands swiftly moved to my cheeks, craning my neck to connect our foreheads together. Able to feel his knee next to my left thigh, I swallowed hard as I tried to keep my breathing in check. I could hear blood rushing in my ears and feel how my heart was going erratic.
“Dan–”
“Caelus, who are you in love with?” Dan Heng interjected and never broke our eye contact.
He was too close, too close, I couldn’t breathe nor could I think clearly, everything went blank. My brain kept getting error messages and I didn’t know what to do. I opened my mouth trying to say something but no words came out, my eyes flickered down to his lips and back up. I kept trying to get words out but my lips just trembled, I couldn’t move.
“Please,” Dan Heng whispered and I could feel his breath on my lips.
My breath hitched and with robotic movements I grabbed onto his sleeve. As much as I wanted to say that it was him, my mouth refused to work and I simply stared at him and clutched tighter on to the sleeve of his coat.
It felt like we were in this position for forever, a never ending moment. I just wanted to say it but it felt impossible… I wonder what kind of face I’m wearing right now…
“Kiss me,” I whispered.
“Wait what?” I immediately thought, I didn’t intend to say that. I wasn’t even supposed to say that, yet I did and the sheer terror of how Dan Heng would react to that statement sent my mind spiraling again. However, since we never broke eye contact I saw how those teal eyes widened in shock before softening.
The gentle stroke of his thumb on my cheek, the way that very same thumb placed itself on my lips and traced along them. My grip on the sleeve tightened out of nervosity, my body was buzzing and everything suddenly felt too warm. The proximity never changed, Dan Heng just kept tracing my lips slowly before going back to caressing my cheek with a featherlight touch.
The stalemate was unbearable.
“Tell me, who is it?” Dan Heng said with a voice barely above a whisper.
That’s when I knew he wouldn’t do anything until I said who, even if it was clear as day. It was frustrating but I craned my neck even more to the point our lips almost touched. I dragged up every bit of courage I had in my body, as hard as it was I managed to finally whisper; “Dan Heng.”
Never closing the gap but actually started to pull back since I struggled to not just drag him straight in for a kiss. There was a small noise I couldn’t distinguish but before I knew it a pair of soft lips were placed on mine.
I wanted to push away, wanted to pull him closer, wanted to run away but still wanted to stay… instead I froze. The tight grip I had on his sleeve lessened and my hand fell back down.
How do you even react in this situation?
I stared at his lips once more, they were moving but I couldn’t hear what he was saying. Had I gone deaf or was I so stunned I couldn’t process anything? I didn’t know but the moment he shook me lightly I looked up and asked; “did you kiss me?”
“I did”
“You kissed me?”
“Yes”
“You kissed me?”
“Do I have to kiss you again so you can get it through your thick skull?” Dan Heng chuckled.
I didn’t know if I was dreaming or if I only refused to believe what happened. I couldn’t wrap my head around it since my mind was still reeling from the kiss. I probably sounded dumb or looked dumbstruck like no tomorrow but it was such a far-fetched dream I never thought it would happen.
“Am I hallucinating? Did I eat something weird? Hold on–, wait–, I–... what?” I rambled as the cogs finally started to turn. My face felt like it was ablaze, my heart was racing and I scrambled for something but not sure what.
I was pulled into a tight embrace and my overwhelmed mind finally calmed down when I heard a whisper next to my ear – “Caelus, it’s not a hallucination.”
“S-so… you?” I asked hesitantly.
“For quite sometime now, yes”
“Either I’m blind as a bat or you’re very good at hiding it,” I sighed in defeat.
“I would say you’re oblivious,” Dan Heng argued.
I hummed in response as I let myself relax by taking a shaky deep breath and there was this sweet scent… “he smells nice” I thought and needed to get closer.
“Caelus?”
“You smell nice” I whispered while I kept sniffing, trying to figure out what he smelled like. “The sea? No… rain? Leaves? I can’t tell…”
“Caelus…” Dan Heng said in a low tone, no it sounded like he was pleading.
The sudden change in his voice made me stop instantly, realising I was hugging him tightly and had pulled us down onto the bed while I had my nose at the nape of his neck. Noticing that I was in fact not on the bed bench anymore but more or less half way up on the bed…I also took in how our bodies were almost completely flushed and the awkward position he was in.
“S-sorry!” I stuttered and let go of him immediately.
As he was getting back up I could feel the leg that had settled between my legs earlier graze along the side of my crotch as he was putting his foot down on the floor again. I gasped from the sudden jolts that shot up my spine from the movement. I quickly covered my mouth with both of my hands and looked to the side.
The abrupt silence that occurred because of that was incredibly embarrassing since I knew that he heard me. There was nothing more I wanted to do right now but hide. Yet there was a hand, calloused from years of using a spear placed on my cheek forcing me to face him. Carefully trying to pry my hands away from my mouth whereas I shook my head and kept covering it with the back of my left hand and in a gentle movement Dan Heng placed a kiss on the palm of it.
Surprised at the tenderness he showed I slowly moved it away and gazed at him, the way he used his hand to sneak his fingers under my glove to slide it off before gradually intertwining our hands. His touch burned, my heartbeat slowed and I could tell how my body started to feel warmer for each second that passed. I locked our gazes while he leaned in, sliding my gaze down to his lips and then back up. This time I was prepared as our lips touched.
Sighing into the kiss, I closed my eyes and allowed him to pick the pace. However, deep down a part of me craved more… I didn’t fully understand what exactly I wanted but I just knew I wanted more. Using my free hand I pulled him closer, a bit unsure on what I was doing but I parted my lips slightly, timidly asking for permission.
I didn’t think of what to do next if the kiss deepened but I didn’t need to know, my body knew. As our tongues met my body instinctively wanted to move but I was pinned down and couldn’t exactly move, instead I broke our intertwined hands, cupping his face and tried to get us impossibly closer.
Not once did I ever think I had been this touched starved before, was it because it was his touch? Who knows, however, the sensation of his hand directly touching my skin as it slid up my waist was fizzying. Without knowing a quiet moan slipped out into our heated kiss and I felt his hand gripping onto my lower ribcage.
He broke the kiss and we both were out of breath, trying to regulate my own. I swallowed and lowered my hand to grip onto the fabric of his black shirt.
“Dan–”
“Have you two finished talking yet?” March’s voice echoed throughout my room. “Pom-pom asked me to bring you two down for–”
Me and Dan Heng had quickly separated and tried to not appear as if we were about to get down to business. I glanced over to her and she was staring at us in silence for a solid minute.
“...I interrupted you two didn’t I?” She noted.