Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Not for the first time in weeks the first thing Eddie hears when he wakes up is Buck. Sometimes he would hear him in the bathroom, sometimes he was preparing breakfast, sometimes he would wake up to his quiet snores next to him and sometimes like today he heard Buck's voice muffled through the walls.

Eddie could hear Buck bargain with Chris to wake up and get ready. When he hears Chris' groan he almost groans in sympathy. He understood exactly why his son did not want to get up. Eddie felt similarly this particular morning. It was therapy day. At least Eddie didn't have to go to work before his appointment, Christopher on the other hand had had school to attend.

While coming back with Chris to LA had felt like an accomplishment all on it’s own, Eddie knew that it wasn’t enough. Messing up the way he did would and could never happen again, because losing Christopher was just not an option.

And Eddie knew that in order for that not to happen he needed to acknowledge that he needed help. So he went back to therapy.

Last time he had basically been forced to attend and it had helped some but he could now admit that he stopped going way too soon.

Afghanistan had broken something irrevocably in him, no question. But he had been broken before he ever went over there. Admitting that to himself was hard, admitting that to Christopher was even harder. But it had been the right decision because Chris hadn’t looked at him in disappointment that his father wasn’t perfect and strong. Instead, he had looked relieved that his father was finally being honest with him.

It had been an unofficial condition for Christopher's return that they would both go to therapy, individual and family. Their beginnings had had been awkward. Their wounds still tender to the touch so their interactions were tentative at best.

If it hadn’t been for Buck living with them Eddie doesn't think they’d have gotten their footing back as quickly as they did.

Living with Buck is surprisingly or maybe unsurprisingly easy.
The division of chores came natural to them. Their sleeping arrangements somehow even more so. It had started with them alternating sleeping on the couch and the bed until then one night they just crashed into the bed together.

In a lot of ways living with Buck had been no different to how things had been before moving to Texas. They had always been spending most of their free time together anyways, only ever giving it a bit of a breather when they were in relationships, but barely even then so.

The only difference now is that they both seemed to crave each other's presence even more than before, if possible. Eddie thinks they had needed the proximity of each other to make up for the time when they had been apart. He privately thought they deserved this period of closeness after everything they went through.

It helped them slowly get back to being BuckandEddie. And they have. And now they're even more attached to the hip than ever before.

There was a reason people made fun of their codependency after all.

After everything that had happened in the last year, Kim, Chris, Texas and losing Bobby he finally feels like things would be okay. He even stopped dreading therapy as much (even if it was never fun). And it all came down to Buck.

He groans and slowly and painfully got up. He knows there was no use of hoping Buck and Chris would just let him sleep. Buck, because he thoroughly believed in family meals and Chris, because while he had forgiven him, has found his mean streak. Buck called it Diaz pettiness but that was another story.

He goes to the kitchen, knowing without even having to check that Chris was occupying the bathroom. Eddie thinks ,if he ever lost his eyesight, he'd still find the way to the kitchen on therapy day because that meant Buck made them pancakes. Therapy pancakes. It did make the day a little bit easier so who was he to refuse.

He sits down at the table with a yawn.
„Morning.“ Buck says and put a steaming coffee mug in front of him.

„Mhm.“ Eddie just takes the cup into both of his hands and let the smell work its charm.
Buck lets out a soft snort and drinks from his own cup of coffee. They wait wordlessly for Chris to reemerge from the bathroom before starting with their breakfast. A ritual that also had established itself in these past few weeks. Therapy pancakes or not.

Silences were never awkward with Buck.
Which is ironic because most people would consider Buck to be a chatterbox. He was. Just not in the morning. It's was one of those things he had kind of known about Buck but never experiences them before living together.

Eddie feels like he is collecting little pieces of Buck trivia along the way of their cohabitation and he would be lying if he said he didn't appreciate them.
Like how sometimes Buck would hum. Most of the time they were random tunes. Not that it mattered, humming meant Buck was feeling particularly happy that morning and that in itself is always enough for Eddie.

Christopher flops down into his chair and immediately starts going to town on his pancakes even though he still looks half asleep.

„Good morning to you too.“ Eddie says and finally takes a real sip of his coffee.

„Mhm.“ is all that Christopher answered to that.

Buck chuckles and puts extra bacon on Christopher's plate. Eating breakfast wakes them up properly and conversation picks up from there.

„I was thinking“ Eddie starts while picking up the dishes “Since we both have therapy today, let's go out to eat tonight. What would you guys like to eat?"

"You trying to get out of dinner duty?" Buck asks. Eddie gives him an unimpressed look.

Chris doesn't even look to from his phone but answers "Sounds good. I want Korean."

"Bud, we had Korean food last week and I'm pretty sure you ordered some the other day at science club also."

This makes Chris look up "So?"

Eddie instantly feels himself get nervous. Arguing with Christopher has been one aspect of his life he hasn't regained confidence in yet. He glances at Buck for a moment. Buck doesn't give him a nod or any other form of open encouragement, but it's there hidden in his stillness.
Eddie takes a deep breath. "I was thinking... like maybe Thai or Italian since its been awhile."

Chris frowns. “But that's what I want. Why ask if you won't listen anyway?"

Eddie holds back a flinch at his tone. "Christopher." he warns but doesn't continue. He doesn't know how. Eddie has not got this. He feels like he made a big mistake starting this. It's happening again. Chris hates him and Eddie can't breathe- he will lose him again and that-

"Guys come on.“ Bucks voice cuts through his panic. “I have the perfect solution. Instead of going to one restaurant, let's hit Ebony Road. The one with the food trucks. There everyone can get what they want. Sounds good?" he says it so easily. Eddie stares helplessly at him.

Chris turns to Buck and squints his eyes in thought. It was only a moment, a second really. But to Eddie it felt like forever before Chris finally continues. „Fine by me.“ and goes back scrolling on his phone.

Buck smiles and Eddie breathes.

„Okay! That's settled then!“ Buck gets up. „Oh! By the way. Carla can't make it today. I'll drop you to school and pick you up later for therapy, okay?“

Eddie jumps in almost by instinct even though he is still reeling by what happened. “I can at least drop him off to school, you will be driving him to therapy later anyway.”

Buck shakes his head. “No worries. Anyway I'll be meeting my real estate agent later. I'll be out the whole day basically.” he glanced at his watch. “Come on, buddy. We should leave now.”

Chris mumbles in annoyance but gets up anyway. He picks up his backpack and turns towards the entrance. He doesn't turn to look at Eddie at all. Eddie isn't sure what he would have preferred.

Buck snorts again and gets up too. And Eddie follows suit mirroring his movement. Buck glances over at Chris putting on his shoes before turning back to Eddie and putting his hand on his shoulder. It's okay. Rest. his look says. Don't worry. It will pass it says. Eddie squeezes Buck's wrist in appreciation in return. Thank you he tries to convene. Buck smiles at him and leaves after Christopher.

Eddie stands in his kitchen and watches the door for longer than he likes to admit. He lets out a shaky breath.
Yep. He thinks. That's why he is going to therapy. Buck is right. It will pass. But for now Eddie goes back to bed and hides under the covers until it will.

----

This morning has not let him go, so when Frank asks how he is doing, the just comes directly out with it.
“When I woke up this morning I felt like I had finally gotten it, you know? We were making progress. But then Chris got upset and I froze. He looks at me and I feel like he is dissecting me somehow and wants to see how I react and all I'll do is disappoint him."

"Well. Teenagers do consciously and subconsciously challenge their parents in order to ascertain boundaries, so I don't think you're interpreting it wrongly." Frank tells him calmly.

Eddie groans and buries his head in his hands. "Well, currently there are none because I can't bring myself to discipline him even a little bit. Honestly, if Buck hadn't been there I don't know what would have happened. I don't know what I'll do when he moves out."

Frank dots some notes down.
In the beginning it had made Eddie very nervous, because Frank took a lot of notes. He felt judged by Frank's constant note taking. Buck made him tell Frank about it because trust was important in therapy.
So he had asked what the deal with those notes were. Frank had simply told him that those helped him to listen better. He would write down keywords to follow the conversation. And because Eddie had still been skeptical about it, Frank actually had showed him his notes. That had helped immensely with his paranoia. Now he is not even registering the constant note taking anymore.

"Yes, we should talk about that."

"About him moving out?"

"About Buck. In general."

"Why?" Eddie asks confused. "Him and I are not fighting at the moment."

Frank raises his eyebrow at him. "We'll circle back to that later." He puts some more notes down. "What I meant." He starts. "Having a support system is important. Everyone needs one. We are social beings, after all. Falling back on ones support is a good thing. But what I would like to do is to prepare my patients for when there is no support to fall back on."

The idea of not having Buck's support to fall back on seems so absurd that Eddie almost interrupts him.

Frank seems to sense it anyways and tries to explain further:
"What I'm trying to say is : Support is essential. But being prepared for situations without support will strengthen your self esteem. Especially in regards to your relationship with Christopher.
And for that, I would like to examine your relationship with Buck. He seems to be the main pillar of your current support system. I want us to look at the patterns of the support he provides that work so well for you. Maybe we can modify some for you to use on your own."

Eddie shrugs. "Yeah, I guess."

"When you first came to visit me." Frank takes a moment to continue. It almost feels like he has been wanting to broach the subject before. "You had mentioned how Buck was essential at getting you your appointment, is that correct?"

"Yeah, he convinced me to go to therapy in the first place." Well, him and Bobby. But Bobby is a wound Eddie isn't sure he can touch yet, if ever.

He thinks it's the same for Buck. After their fight in the kitchen neither of them have even mentioned Bobby. Eddie knows they can't continue like this, but it feels like the bubble will burst if they mention it. Things feel well, even if shaky and Eddie cannot bear to lose the little piece of inner peace he has been able to achieve.

Frank takes a note and looks back up. "So he has been an important part of your support system for a while now. How has that started?"

Eddie frowns and tries to concentrate back on Frank. "You mean how I started to rely on him?"

"That too. But let's start with how you two became friends first."

So Eddie tells him. He begins with Eddie and Chris moving to LA and starting at the 118 and meeting the team. The earthquake. Meeting Carla. The bombing. The tsunami. The outings. The well. The shooting. His will. His initial breakdown. The lightning. Kim and Texas.

"I get the general timeline. Do you have a date for Buck's move?” Frank asks.

Eddie feels his skin crawl just thinking about it. He wished he could ignore Buck's moving out the same way he ignores thinking about Bobby. But everyone around him have been reminding him constantly. It's been an ongoing topic at work. Ravi was constantly giving suggestions, Hen was somehow even more eager than Buck seemed to be and Chim just reminded Buck that he can't be couch surfing forever.

Which. He isn't. They're sharing the bed after all.

But neither of them have ever mentioned it to anyone. Eddie can't say for sure why. Maybe it was because he didn't want to be made fun of for one more BuckandEddie thing, though those never bothered him before.
Maybe it was because it wasn't such a big deal since it is them.

Either way, Eddie never was able to butt in and say how Buck could stay forever if he wanted. Buck stayed longer to help them out. He didn't want to bother Buck more with their issues than he had to even if the thought of being without Buck at home scared and saddened him.

He rubs his hands together. "If he finds a place today then in a month."

Frank glances up while taking notes. "Okay. We can manage before that.

–--

Not for the first time Eddie feels like he got a little blindsided at his session. But that's how it usually goes. He goes in there for one problem and suddenly he is being confronted by his childhood or something.

Having to rehash the last 7 years or so because Frank wanted to talk about Buck was not even in the realm of things he thought he would ever talk about in therapy when he actually wanted to talk about how to deal with Christopher.

But he guessed it made sense in a way given their current situation.

Eddie pulls into the parking lot near the food truck place. He doesn't really remember his drive, too much in thought. When he walked towards their meeting point he saw Buck and Chris waiting for him there already.

Both encapsulated in their own, seemingly great conversation.

Christopher was actually talking and smiling. Apparently telling Buck something in an animated fashion that had not been directed at Eddie in a long time.

Eddie had never been jealous of Buck's and Chris's relationship or the secrets of Christopher's Buck must hold. Because it is Buck and Eddie trusted him.

He also is eternally grateful to him.

For one bitter moment Eddie wonders if Christopher 's therapist tells him he is too dependent on Buck too.

Because that's what Frank is trying to say even if in not so many words.

As was often the case Buck notices him first.
"Hi Eddie!"

Chris turns to look at him and his smile didn't waver. "Hi Dad!”

His enthusiasm catches Eddie off guard. He glances at Buck for a moment for reassurance that he isn't dreaming. Buck just smiles back at him. "Hi guys. Sorry I'm late."

Chris rolls his eyes "Come on, I'm hungry!" He exclaims and turns around already heading into the alley of the food trucks.

Eddie falls into step with Buck. "I feel like I'm getting whiplash from this morning."

Buck nudges his shoulder with his. "Told you everything will turn out fine. He's just a moody teenager terrorizing his parent for love and attention. As a former moody teenager who acted out for that very reason, I can verify that's what it he is doing even when he isn't aware of it. I wasn't, till years later."

In Eddie's silent opinion Buck probably didn't act out enough. From what he knows of his childhood, Buck had to fight just for his parents to acknowledge his existence.
It's something that has followed Buck into his adulthood. The constant fear of abandonment that his friend carries around with him everywhere. It's what made him act out as a teenager and even as an adult.

Buck is no more perfect than Eddie is. He knows that. But he is a great friend and Eddie can admit that he hasn't always been that in return. He wants to be. Maybe this thing Frank is trying to achieve will help him become that for Buck.

Buck deserves that. Buck is, just like Christopher, good to his core in a way Eddie just isn't.

Buck coughs and changes the subject. "So, Thai or Italian?"

Eddie isn't really that hungry anymore after everything that happened today. He says "I can't really decide." Instead.

Buck nods. "Let's do it like this then. I get us the side dishes from the Thai truck and you get us some pasta from the Italian and we share."

Eddie feels another wave of appreciation for Buck that leaves him breathless and settles around him like a blanket. His eyes sting. He wants to cry but he just clears his throat and nods. "Sounds great."

Buck will always have a solution for him. Just how will he do any of this without Buck?

Buck gives him a look but doesn't comment on it.
They split up to get the food and meet up with Chris and eat on one of the tables at the end of the alley.

Chris inhales his food because he is a teenager, declares he is getting seconds and doesn't come back. He is eating his second portion of bibimbap right by the truck and was back to texting on his phone.

Buck nudges him with his foot to get his attention. "You're awfully quiet today, even for you. Are you alright?"

Eddie turns to look at him. "Hm? Oh, yeah. Just thinking."

Buck nods sagely. "About therapy? What did you guys talk about?"

You Eddie's mind immediately supplies.
It's not weird for Buck to ask or for Eddie to tell him.
He doesn't share all of it, some things should stay between you, your therapist and maybe God in Eddies humble opinion.

But Buck has seen him at his worst so there is little to nothing he feels the need of keeping from him. This though? His brain short-circuts.

"Shannon." He blurts out: He is lying, he doesn't know why he is lying. The words are out before he could even think about the why.

Buck nods as if he was expecting this particular answer and Eddie wants to shake him and tell him no actually.

It's not like he hasn't been talking about Shannon in therapy. His inability of letting Shannon go was the catalyst of the Kim situation, after all. But he has worked so hard on finally dealing with his feelings for Shannon. He wants Buck to know that he is making progress, that he is not stuck on the past anymore. That it's something else entirely. Only no words come out.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Buck asks after a pause.

Its him, it's Buck. His mind screams at him. Eddie shrugs in an attempt to appear nonchalant. "It's not that big of a deal. Just that Frank wants me to look at my relationship dynamic with her and make me more confident about Chris."

It's not a lie and it's not a truth. He has effectively switched out Buck with Shannon and Buck is non the wiser. Meanwhile Eddies mind is reeling.

Buck nods again and looks at him seriously. "I see. You'll get there. You'll get your confidence back. I believe in you."

Eddie swallows a lump down his throat. Buck believes in him. Buck makes him believe in himself. And now Eddie is supposed to find a way to do that on his own? Buck is about to leave and Eddie is already lying to him.

"Thanks Buck. I really appreciate it. Appreciate you." He adds at the end. Buck flashes him a radiant smile. Eddie feels like he has to look away.

He decides to change the subject before he can implode. “How was the meeting with the real estate agent?”

That makes Buck perk up even more. He should have asked before and not bothered Buck with his own issues so much. It's a step in becoming a better friend to him. Finding a place has been important to Buck so it is important to Eddie, even if it terrifies him. It has to be.

“Great actually. I think I found a place!”

Eddie swallows down his disdain. He gives him a small smile and hopes it doesn't look too much like a grimace.

------

After exchanging pleasantries Frank uncharacteristically went right to asking questions. Usually he would let Eddie take the lead but he guesses since they are on a timeline now, there is a lot of ground to cover.

Eddie reiterates his move to Los Angeles and how overwhelmed he felt. That, at the time, it felt like it was one thing after the other. The earthquake happening and him not being able to reach Chris. Then his truck breaking down and Buck offering to drive him. To the day his abuela broke her hip and Eddie feeling like he made the biggest mistake of his life moving them out to LA until Buck introduced him to Carla. And finally to them truly settling down here in LA.

"You mentioned the tsunami as a major event in you friendship. How was that different to the other high stress situations you both worked together? The grenade and climbing the high rise probably bonded you sufficiently."

"No..Uh. Buck didn't work that day "

"Oh?" Frank makes a move for Eddie to continue.

Eddie rubs his hands together. Thinking back on the tsunami is never easy and Eddie wasn't even there with them. "Buck was out of commission at the time. Do you remember the firetruck bombing couple of years ago?" Another thing Eddie doesn't really like to think about.

Frank nodded.

"The firefighter that got stuck underneath the truck was Buck. He was still on sick leave at the time of the tsunami. Actually, he was just about to return to active duty but then he suffered an embolism setting his recovery back a couple of months."

"That must not have been easy for Buck."

Eddie snorted. Understatement of the century really. "Yeah. No. It was a miracle he didn't lose his leg and was able to make a full recovery. But he didn't feel like that was enough. He worked like crazy to rehabilitate and come back. When the embolism happened it kind of sent him into a big depressive episode. Buck ... Especially at that time, put a lot of importance into being a firefighter."

"More than you?" Frank asked curiously.

"More than any of us, really.” Eddie shrugs. He thinks, or he hopes at least, that Buck now knows he has value outside the job also. Either way, it wasn't his story to tell.
“I understood where he was coming from. He worked himself about to death to be able to re-certify. It was unfair. He wanted to give up on trying anymore. I just couldn't let him give up like that; he was so close. So I enlisted Christopher's help though I didn't tell him all the details. He was what, 7? Told him Buck was sad and that hanging out with him might help cheer him up because that's what always cheered me up. It worked and I made Buck babysit that day."

"And they were outside when the tsunami hit?"

Eddie swallows. This is the truly hard part of the story. "They were at the pier."

Frank's head shoots up. He gives him a wide eyed look. "I'm sorry. Did you just say they were at the pier when the Tsunami hit?"

Eddie can understand why Frank was in disbelief. The tsunami was a mass casualty event. It's scars are still visible in the city today, years after the fact. The pier still hasn't fully reopened again. But the other thing that seems impossible to think about is the fact that Chris and Buck had been at the forefront of where the tsunami first hit and survived.

"Yeah." He says.

He never believed in miracles but whenever he thinks of his little Christopher being hit by the first wave and surviving when basically almost no one from the pier had made it... It was a miracle but it was also Buck.

If Buck hadn't been there that day- Eddie shudders.

They have not talked about it much. Only once had Buck ever mentioned it. Years after. He suddenly brought it up one night while they were out on the porch drinking beer.

"I was so scared, Eddie." He had confessed. "All I tried to do was get away. From the moment Chris had noticed the water receding. I ran like hell but even then I wasn't fast enough. Then I tried to hold onto him but he slipped away. The current as so strong. It was just luck. Pure luck that Christopher was able to old onto that pole, that the firetruck was there. And still, again I lost him."

Eddie tells Frank the same thing he told Buck.
"Buck saved Christopher's life that day. If he hadn't been with him I don't think Christopher would have survived. Buck blames himself for being on the pier with him that day but how could he have known? Christopher could have had been at that pier with Carla or my Abuela or my Tia that day too. He was obsessed with marine life at the time. It's not far off to imagine what would have happened if Buck hadn't been there with him." Eddie shudders again. "Buck had been on blood thinners and still he managed to keep Christopher as safe as he could. When Christopher got lost he never stopped looking for him. He almost died looking for him."

"Christopher got lost?"

"Yeah... He fell back into the water. Buck spent the whole day looking for him past the point of collapse. He actually hadn't found him. I saw Buck at one of the camps by coincidence. While he was trying to explain the situation to me someone bought Christopher over."

Eddie still remembers the most terrifying seconds of his life. The moment when he thought he had lost his son. He had been so preoccupied in that moment with his son, understandably so, that he hadn't noticed Buck's collapse or the state he was in until later.

Buck has lost a lot of blood that day due to the various cuts and bruises he had sustained. He was lucky he hadn't needed surgery for his internal bleeding. He needed weeks to recover from those injuries setting his progress back to basically zero.

Still the thing that sticks out to Eddie when he thinks about that day is that Buck only collapsed after he knew Chris was safe. One moment he was uptight and Eddie had turned to look at him, and the next he collapsed and being held by Chim and Cap. He was like a puppet whose strings had been cut. That image never left his mind.

"That must have been scary." Frank remarked.

"Yes. Christopher was in therapy for it and he was mostly fine. As fine as he could have been."
In fact, his mother's death had traumatized him more than the Tsunami ever did. But Eddie didn't really wanted to get into that now. And it was a testament to how well Buck was able to shield his son from the worst of it that that was the take away for Chris.
"He did consider Buck his personal superhero from that moment though."

Frank nodded and jotted something down. "Makes sense. Buck had been a helping presence before but after these events your friendship solidified. How did it continue?"

Eddie rubbed his hands together. It had become a nervous tick of his it seems. "Buck was still on sick leave so Chris and him spent a lot of time together. And me of course after shifts. It was going well till the lawsuit. We had a fight but we made up after that. Then I was trapped in the well and-"

"Slow down, Eddie. Can you elaborate on what you mean by lawsuit? Remember, I was not there and we're trying to understand your relationship with Buck. So you fighting is an important piece to the puzzle. It might help us anticipate what could happen once Buck moved out."

Eddie really didn't want to talk about the lawsuit but therapy wouldn't have been therapy if you only got to talk about the things you wanted to.

"Buck wanted to get back to the 118, but he was not reinstated due to his health. He did re-certify though and it did turn out that Bobby was the main factor behind keeping Buck from coming back. So Buck kind of sued the department.” He rubs his face with one hand. He feels exhausted just thinking about that time. “Look, I understood where he was coming from and Bobby was being way too overprotective. Being a firefighter is the just about the most important thing to Buck... But during the lawsuit he spilled some of our secret to his lawyer to make a point and that was... That hurt."

Eddie looks out the window. He wonders if he should bring it up. Or if Frank remembered and will do it on it's own.
For Eddie that time had been tumultuous to say the least.

The tsunami happened a couple of months after Shannon's death. And last time he was in therapy they did talk about his rage and how he didn't really deal with his grief in a healthy way. That way being rather destructive.

"Were you hurt that he told some of your secrets or was it more because of loyalty towards your colleagues and Captain?"

Eddie frowns. "I... Both I guess? Because of the lawsuit he wasn't allowed to talk to us. And he didn't. Not even with Christopher. My son was so confused. One moment his superhero was over all the time and suddenly nothing. He felt abandoned. This happened right after Shannon's death so he was particularly vulnerable during at that time."

Frank glances up. Looks like he was putting the pieces together now. "You were too." He remarks.

Seems like all Eddie needed to do was connect the lawsuit to Shannon's death for him.

"Yeah. I was not doing well at the time and I don't know." Eddie shrugs. "When I needed someone to bail me out I couldn't even call him and that was..."
He shrugs again. It sucked, there wasn't more to it. "We fought a little bit about it and it took bit time to get back to where we were before. But we did and then it was fine. We don't really fight much all things considered."

"if I remember correctly. This was when you were involved in underground fighting as an outlet for your anger and grief about Shannon's passing." Frank starts and Eddie knows the gig was up. He tried to be as vague as possible because he hated thinking back on his anger and on the fight club. It was one of the stupidest things he had ever done.
Frank continued without delay. "So you mean to tell me, this happened during a period of time when you had limited to no contact with Buck?"

That wasn't what Eddie expected Frank would focus on. He thought he would want to rehash the fight club and his coping mechanisms and not on how Buck and him weren't talking because of the stupid lawsuit.

He has never thought about it like that. It must have shown on his face because Frank looked at him exasperated. Which he almost never did.
"Eddie." He said slowly. "Do you think that you would have dealt with things differently if Buck and you hadn't been in conflict at the time?"

Eddie blinks.

He has gone through a lot of his life dealing in what ifs.

What if he hadn't enlisted, what if he hadn't gone the for the second deployment, what if he had stayed in El Paso or what if he had come to LA together with Shannon when she had first asked.
What if he had died when the helicopter went down. What if he hadn't found a way out of the well. What if he had been the first one to climb the ladder that day. The list goes on and on and on.

But he had never considered this one.

Maybe he should have. If Buck had been around he would have noticed it quickly. No matter if he had been back at work with him or in their free time. Buck would have noticed something was amiss immediately. Buck always noticed when something was wrong.

"Buck would have called me out on it early on." Eddie admits.

"So maybe you were not only angry with Buck on behalf of Christopher and your teammates but for yourself too."

Eddie feels Frank's gaze more strongly on him than before. It made him suddenly feel like he was under a microscope. He feels tingling under his skin. "Sure. But I don't get why you're so hung up on this." And he really didn't. From all of the things in his life, even with his relationship with Buck as Frank is so adamant to dissect, this wasn't even a highlight to him.

"Do you think that you too had considered Buck to be a superhero at the time?"

Eddie's head shot up. "What?"

"You said Christopher considered Buck to be a superhero. Did you, even unconsciously, also put Buck in a position of 'superhero'? By that point in your relationship he has established himself in your life as a major support pillar even though you guys had only known each other around a year. I'm asking if you felt betrayed not on behalf of Christopher or your team but for yourself." He asks him point blank.

Frank doesn't do point blank. Frank's style is subtle hints and waiting for you to come your own conclusion. He must really want Eddie to get this.

When Eddie doesn't answer he continues. "Your self destructive behavior during that time was an abstract way of asking for help. Even if people didn't really know what was going on and you were trying to hide it, the people around you were able to at least realize that you were not doing well. You said Buck would have called you out early on it, if he had been present. He wasn't and therefore the situation escalated. Is that what your fight was about?"

Was it? Eddie doesn't know anymore.
At that time all he can remember is anger and annoyance. But not really at what Buck had done. Buck had sincerely apologized and Eddie had forgiven him almost immediately because he understood where Buck was coming from. Even the issue with Christopher resolved itself fairly quickly. Buck hadn't maliciously and selfishly abandon Chris. He just genuinely did not understand the impact he had made on the boys life and hadn't thought he would be missed.

So if it wasn't Bucks actions was it really about Buck's absence?

He thinks back on the fight in the grocery store. How he lashed out and said the most hurtful things he could think of.

"Do you have any idea how much Christopher misses you? How could you you're not around!
"I hadn't realized. Maybe I can come visit Christopher, the lawsuit doesn't prevent that, you know?"
"No, but it prevents me from reaching out to You. I couldn't even call you to bail me out of jail!

Oh God. It was because of Bucks absence. Eddie rubs his face. "I think you're right. I was mad he was not around. God, I was so mean about it too. It wasn't even his fault, not really."

Frank nods and makes a note. "You said you and Buck don't fight often. Could you give me another example of a fight?"

He doesn't even have to think too long about it. "Honestly, there is only really one other fight. After.... Bobby passed away. I.. was mad at him because he didn't properly check on how I was doing."

Eddie is mentally going through all the details of their fight in the kitchen. He had said hurtful things for the sake of being hurtful. He knew he had been wrong. That's why he had called Chris is in to make amends.

But it was the same situation as with the lawsuit now that he recognizes the pattern. He was so angry at Buck for not seeing how he was hurting too that he lashed out in the worst possible way.

He can't hold it back and buries his face in his hands. He feels so stupid.
"We were all grieving and I just lashed out at him for not noticing me. God, I'm a terrible friend."

"I don't think that's true. Your dynamic seems very much based on equal trust. But.." he starts and looks at his notes. "I think you have been putting Buck on a pedestal and when he doesn't deliver on the expectations you have set for him, which seems rare by the way, that's when you lash out since you are already in a vulnerable emotional state in those instances."
Frank glances behind Eddie at the clock. "I think this is a good place to end today's session. I feel like we might have found a key issue to work on given Buck's move. If you're not prepared for it you might very much get into the same pattern and fight with him when you feel vulnerable being alone with Christopher."

---

It's nighttime before Buck brings it up. Neither him nor Chris gave him much attention all day and he knows that it was by design. They're giving him space. But Buck wouldn't be Buck if he didn't bring it up at some point. It was literally something he was just reminded of at therapy.

Buck brings it up while he is changing into a comfy shirt and shorts for the night while Eddie is just sitting on the edge of the bed looking lost at the wall.

"You okay, man? Seems like therapy has been wiping your butt these last few times."

Eddie makes a noncommittal sound as an answer.

"I'm here if you want to talk about it. Or... I can sleep on the couch and give you some space." Buck shifts his weight from one leg to the next. It's a nervous habit. He gets like this when he is anxious. When he isn't sure about his next steps or what the other person needs from him. "Whatever you need." He adds.

Seeing Buck after the revelations of his therapy sessions has not been easy. In fact, seeing Buck so nervous about Eddie's mood just annoys him because why is he so nervous? Is he scared Eddie is gonna chop his head off? Is that the kind of friend Buck sees him as? Someone he has to be cautious about? And more than anything, what annoys him most is Buck's obsession with sleeping on the couch. Eddie had told him time and time again that he hadn't minded sharing. That this was his home too. But Buck wanted to move out and have his own space and that annoys him too now.

"I'm fine, Buck. Just come to bed." Eddie says and moves up the bed before lying on his side facing away.
Buck doesn't say anything. He just turns the light off and lies down on his side.

Buck always needed reassurance of his place in Eddie's life. Why can't he just take things at face value and be satisfied with it?

Probably because Eddie is such a bad friend.

Eddie had no right to be annoyed at Buck. He should be annoyed with himself. He always thought he'd shown Buck how much he means to him. But he never really follows through, does he? One moment he shows he is all in, the other he pushes him away.

Eddie is good on the big gestures but has never been good with the everyday small stuff. And that's what's really important in a relationship he has come to realize. To not only show up on the bad days but also on the good and mundane. Buck has never not shown up for those. From zoo visits to movie nights, to pancakes on therapy day and to making sure Eddie was comfortable. Buck does it all.

Eddie had already decided he would be a better friend to Buck but he hadn't really considered what that would look like. He still doesn't have a clue. He only knows he can't continue like this.

"Hey, Buck? You awake?" He asks into the darkness unsure how much time passed since they lied down with all the thoughts racing in his mind.

"Yeah?" Buck doesn't sound sleepy. He must have had a lot on his mind, too. Probably how to fix Eddie's mood.

Eddie takes a deep breath and turns to face Buck' back. If he didn't do it now he never will. "I'm sorry." He says.

Buck turns towards him immediately. "Huh?" Eddie can't see his face but he can just imagine the shocked expression Buck is wearing. It's now or never.

"I am sorry... I appreciate you so much. You're my family. But when I get into my head I sometimes lash out and I say the meanest possible things, just to hurt you. You don't deserve that."

"Eh..."
Poor Buck. He must have been so confused. Buck doesn't know that his current topic in therapy is how Eddie is too attached to him. He also can't read his mind and doesn't know that Eddie has been wracking his brain about Buck and all these new epiphanies.

"I mean it. I'm sorry, okay? Those things... I say, when we fight. I don't mean them and I never properly apologized for them. I need to, because I want to be better for you."

Bucks hand reaches out to touch his shoulder. "Woah! Eddie, calm down. It's totally fine."

Eddie wraps his hand around Bucks wrist and squeezes. It's how they touch each other when they try to really communicate something. And Eddie really needs Buck to hear him on this. "It really is not."

Buck is still for a long moment. Part of him is glad that he decided to do this in the middle of the night when he can't make out Bucks face in the darkness. Maybe some time in the future he will be able to apologize while properly facing Buck. Maybe some time in the future he won't need therapy to tell him he was being a shitty friend in the first place. For now though, this is all he can manage without chickening out.

"Okay." Buck says softly. At some point they have moved closer to each other. Eddie can feel the warmth of Buck's breath on his skin. The smell of toothpaste faintly hits him. And somewhere, somehow he feels his skin tingle at their proximity. Not yet the full itch he has been experiencing on and off lately. But he feels it could built up to it.

"I forgive you." Buck gives Eddie's shoulder a squeeze to empathize his words. "But I want you to know I already knew that you don't really mean what you're saying when you're angry. And even if. We're family, right? Family fights but stays together to fix it. I got your back, okay?"

"Okay." Eddie breathes. He gives the wrist another squeeze but doesn't let go. Somehow it doesn't feel like it's resolved. It doesn't feel enough.

They stay like this for a while. The tingling has turned into constant hum underneath his skin. If he focuses on it he can almost feel the nervous itching built up in tandem with it.

Maybe it's anticipation. Maybe it's his delayed relief.

Of course, Buck forgives him. Buck has never really held a grudge against anyone, even those he ought to. He even has forgiven his stupid parents.

Buck let's go first and turns around. "Good night, Eddie."

Eddie stares at the silhouette of Bucks back for a moment longer. The loss of contact shuts off the hum and suddenly Eddie feels it's too quiet inside of him. It leaves him hollow and unsatisfied.

Eddie turns around too. "Good night Buck."

---

They don't talk about it in the morning, at work or the days to come which Eddie supposes they don't need to.

They were good.

Eddie is still feeling a restlessness he can't really place. The humming is now constantly vibrating underneath his skin waiting to come out.

He doesn't think it's an actual physical ailment. It must be his anxiety going into overdrive with all of the thinking he's been doing.

---

Therapy sucked. And he is back at it.

"You mentioned: the Well, your Will and the Shooting in quick succession. Are they connected?"

"Yeah, they are."

"Alright. Can you tell me what you mean?"

Eddie tells him about the kid in the well and how even though they were able to save him, he got trapped in a mud slide. How it had triggered some memories for him, how he was about to give up if not for Christopher.

It was the first time in his job as a firefighter that he had come close to death. He had evaded death many times in Afghanistan, most notably the helicopter crash. But that were risks that came with his deployment and he had been aware of those from the beginning.

The well was the first time the the possibility of dying on the job felt real. And he realized that there was no guarantee he would be able to get out again a next time. Christopher had just recently lost his mother, the thought of leaving him alone made him change his Will soon after. He wanted to make sure he was taken care of in the best way possible so he chose Buck.

And then the shooting happened and Eddie was in a coma and really almost died. He's been very glad that he had changed his will so quickly.

Getting shot yet again had been the what caused his his initial breakdown, and Frank knows all about that already so Eddie didn't get too much into it.

Frank seemed to digest all this information first before finally asking about the Will. "I can understand why you put him him in your will given your relationship with your parents. How did they take it?"

Eddie rubs his neck. "I haven't really told them." He admits.

Frank raises his eyebrow at him. "You haven't?"

"No. Not yet. The conversation never came up." Eddie shrugs.

Frank nods slowly. "And how did Christopher take it?" He asks.

Eddie squirms uncomfortably. "I haven't really told him either."

Frank stares at him for a long moment. "Have you told Buck?"

Eddie feels a bit embarrassed. Because he knows, okay? He needs to tell them but he is scared of the conflict it will bring.

"Yes, I did. After I woke up after the shooting."

Frank looks down at his notes. "So around a year after you changed it."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

Eddie frowns. His embarrassment his boiling over to his go to emotion: anger. "Why what? You think I shouldn't have chosen Buck?" He feels the need to defend himself suddenly.

Frank stays calm. "I did not mean that. I am simply asking why you told Buck when you haven't told anyone else."

"I told my aunt and my grandmother when I changed it." Eddie counters. Even to his own ears he sounds petulant.

Frank just gives him an unimpressed look and waits.

Eddie sighs. He again doesn't get why this was the point that Frank was hung up on.

Eddie is getting tired of Frank trying to stir him towards some sort of realization instead of just telling him what he wants to know.
Why did it matter that he told Buck but not anyone else involved?

"Buck was upset after the shooting. He blamed himself. He has this thing where he doesn't think he is worth the same as other people around him and he insisted on how it would have been better if it had been him that had gotten shot. So I told him."

"And he accepted it?"

" I mean, yeah. He was bit cautious about my family standing up to the decision but I knew in my heart Buck will do it. Even without knowing about any of it he took care of Christopher while I was in a coma."

There is a lull in the conversation while Frank jots down some more notes and then seems to consider his next move.

It puts Eddie immediately on edge. He plays with his hands and waits.

"Okay. I have homework for you." Frank announces.

"Okay?"

"Yes. I want you to tell Christopher about the Will, at the very least. If I remember correctly you have a family therapy session coming up soon, right? I think that's a good environment in which to inform him."

"But.." Eddie starts to protest but he doesn't really know what to say. He doesn't even really know why he is keeping it from him. Not knowing has become a theme with him recently.

Frank seems to read his mind. "We'll delve deeper into the fact that you're hiding what's in your Will from your parents and Christopher and only told Buck while he was in an emotionally vulnerable state. But it doesn't change the fact that Christopher at the very least should know about the plans should something happen. He is not a small child and has expressed multiple times he would like to be involved in family matters. Especially those regarding you."

"Yeah, I guess ." Eddie mumbles. He can barely hold a civil conversation with Chris at the moment how is he supposed to tell him about the Will. What if he... He hesitates. Frank once said that there are no inside thoughts during therapy. Eddie takes a breath to steady himself. "What if he doesn't like it?"

"What makes you think that?"

Good question. "Christopher loves Buck. Currently, he probably loves him more than he does me."
Eddie knows it's not true. Frank knows it's not true. Frank knows that Eddie knows it's not true. But he doesn't call him out on it which Eddie appreciates. He just feels the need to feel sorry for himself a little bit.
"But what if he really wants to live in El Paso with my parents after all and I'm forcing him to stay in LA with Buck? He went there one time already instead of staying here."

Frank considers this. "Hmm. Of course that possibility is there. Though I would argue that situation and this possible scenario are not comparable. Christopher has shown the same kind of..." Frank takes a pause. "Fondness, you have for Buck. Or else your family dynamic would not work."

"I mean, sure. Let's say Chris is on board. But my parents would never allow this to happen. That's why I had to go behind their back and change my will in such a way that it's at least impossible for them to meddle in it. California doesn't have grandparents' rights. It still doesn't mean they wouldn't try to influence him somehow."

"I'm inclined to agree with you about how your parents might take the news. But that's neither here nor there. We're talking about Christopher at the moment. Buck is on board. He has been for years. It's only fair to at least give Christopher a heads up and maybe a chance to articulate his needs himself."

When he realizes that Eddie is still not convinced he adds "If not, you'll be doing exactly what you accuse your parents of doing. Not trusting Christopher with vital information could be interpreted as you not fully acknowledging him being his own capable person despite his handicap."

"Low blow, Frank." Eddie grumbles.

Frank just gives him a small smile. "It only is if you take it personally."

Eddie sighs. Frank is right. He should have done this years ago.

"There is at least one more thing we should discuss before you tell Christopher, so that you're prepared." Frank gets serious again.

Eddie looks up at him confused. What more should be discussed?

"He might ask you why you chose Buck. Instead of his grandparents."

Eddie frowns.

In a way, choosing Buck has been easy. Like everything concerning Buck feels easy.

Working with him is easy, living with him is easy, even sharing a bed is easy. Even when they don't talk about it. With Buck he never has to explain himself. They understand each other seamlessly. He never had had this kind of connection with anyone before. And he knows not everyone finds someone like that.

People have made fun of them for it. Chim sometimes calls them 'the evil twins'. Most of the time though, they're BuckandEddie.

In another way though choosing Buck is hard.

He knows they're too attached to each other. It's what Frank seems to believe too, otherwise he wouldn't be training him how to be without Buck.

He knows that other people might find it weird. His parents will definitely find it weird. They would judge it. What Buck and Eddie have is pure and his parents would see something ugly in it. He doesn't want them to taint this thing in his life like they tainted everything else he loves.
He can admit at least to himself that that is part of the reason he is hiding Buck and his part in his life because of it. He doesn't want or need their judgment. Buck doesn't deserve to have to deal with that either.

Even when Eddie had told Abuela and Tia Pepa, the two people in his family that have always been on his side, they had questioned it. They had asked why Buck. They were not opposed to the idea of Buck taking care of Christopher but they had been confused why it hadn't been them instead.

At the time Eddie told them what he had told Buck later on too. He trusts Buck more than anyone to put Christopher first. That has been enough for them and they let it go.

Somehow Eddie thinks that will not be enough for Frank. Or Christopher. So he has to dig deeper than that.

"I don't think there is another person that sees Christopher the same way I do. As his own full person. Shannon had. That was the one thing we have always agreed on.
He should always come first. Christopher needs someone who'll fight for him and who'll stay for him. Both me and Shannon have left him at one point or the other. Buck since the moment they've met has been there for Chris. And I know he'll always be there."

Frank nods. "Why though? Why do you think Buck will always be there?" He asks.

It's so obvious to Eddie that he wonders why Frank is even asking. Because it's Buck.
Because Buck has never not been there when Christopher or even Eddie calls for him.
Because it's what they do.

"He's been there through all what we went through in these past years. Christopher has run away to Buck's place more than once. Buck was the first call Christopher made when I had my mental break and started smashing the wall. Even when I traumatized Christopher with Kim's presence in our house and he wouldn't talk to me, he talked with Buck at least. And when Christopher was in Texas and I moved after him, Buck was the person I talked to most during that time. And Christopher too kept in touch with Buck through it all. Even when he thought Buck was more on my side than his at the time. We've talked about this and sorted it out. Christopher knows that no matter what happens, Buck will always be on his side."

"That's not really an answer to my question. Your answer is that he'll be there, because there is precedence. What I'm asking is about his role in your life that makes you so sure. We all have roles that we fulfill for ourselves and others. You are a father so part of your role is to provide for your son. You're a firefighter, that's why you save people. You're a son to your parents and so they see you as a child and patronize you because of it. So what's Buck to you?"

Eddie can feel the itch again. He rubs his hands together.

What is Buck to him?

In short he is his best friend. But that definition falls short. They've known that for years.

Over the years they've toed around giving their relationship a name.

It's always been vague like This thing between us or What we have.

They knew how important they were to each other and that was enough for them.

"He's family." Eddie settles as his answer.

Frank still pushes. "Yes. There is an argument to be made for chosen family, no question. But even in those there are roles assigned that make up their dynamic. Think of the classic 'mom-friend' trope for example. Do you think you can classify your relationship with Buck as one of these familial bonds? A Brother, perhaps." He gives Eddie a pointed look.

Eddie doesn't answer because that feels wrong for what they have. If it had been that easy, they would have settled on that label a long time ago.

If he had to name a brother figure in his life, it would be Chimney. In their larger family unit at the 118 Chimney fits the role of annoying older brother perfectly. Buck doesn't feel remotely close to a brother to him, younger or older.

"Why is this important?" Eddie deflects. He is rubbing his hands together again. He is getting frustrated too. Talking about Buck has started to make him feel on edge each time Frank brings him up. He has started to feel stupid because he doesn't understand what he wants from him regarding Buck.

Frank waits one moment. He is fidgeting with his pen. He rarely does that unless he is deep in thought.
Eddie squirms in his seat. He wants Frank to just come out with it, or drop it.

Frank seems to decide to go for it. "I think your avoidance in defining your relationship with Buck is one of the reasons you've kept your Will hidden from Christopher and your parents. Buck has essentially taken the role of a co-parent and will be the de-facto parent in case of your death, but you have no justification for why he would accept that role. Or why you have put him into that role in your life in the first place."

Eddie feels the humming turn deafeningly loud behind his ear. He feels put on the spot. He doesn't know what is expected of him here. What Frank wants to hear, what he should say.

What he even wants to say himself. The anxiety and the pressure is about to eat him alive.
He feels 19 years old, fresh out of boot camp, in the medic tent with his first patient bleeding from a head wound and no supervisor in sight.

The only difference to now is, that at that time Eddie hesitated only for a second before he just started moving and getting to work, essentially pushing his feelings away.

Now at therapy he can't do that. He pays for Frank to put him into this position. He is supposed to learn something with each time he is put on the spot.

Eddie swallows. "I don't know." He admits quietly.

Frank sighs softly. Eddie wonders if he is getting frustrated by Eddie not understanding what he wants or if this is Eddie just projecting. "Ok. Let's dissect that a little, shall we?"

Eddie nods.

The humming subsides but the itch never stops. It's like insects crawling underneath his skin. Eddie has realized by now that it comes to the surface whenever Frank questions his relationship with Buck.

"Let me ask you this. In the years of knowing Buck, has your dynamic ever been affected by whoever you or him were seeing romantically?"

"Not really, no."

Frank raises his eyebrow at that. "Are you sure?"

Eddie tries to think. "I mean, yeah sure. In the beginnings of a new relationship we'd see each other a bit less outside of work. But we've gone on double dates with our girlfriends. Dating never really got in the way of our relationship in general."

Frank takes some notes. "You've had two romantic relationships outside of Shannon since moving to LA, correct?"

"Yeah. Ana and Marisol."

"And Buck has had relationships at the same time?"

"Yeah. The most overlap happened with Taylor and Tommy though."

Frank let's out a small 'oh'. Before asking for clarification. "Buck is dating men?"

"Yeah. He is bisexual. He came out like last year or so. Taylor was a woman though. Tommy has been his only boyfriend as far as l know."

Frank's finger twitches but he doesn't write anything down yet. "Has Buck's sexuality impacted your relationship in any way?"

“Of course not." Eddie is almost offended Frank would suggest that.

"Is he dating anyone now?"

"No."

Frank nods. "So how did you get along with Bucks partners, let's say Taylor and Tommy specifically."

Eddie can't hold back his grimace at the thought of Taylor Kelly before schooling his face into a more neutral expression. "Taylor was a bit hard to get along with. But she was fine, she just had different priorities."

"And Tommy?" Frank asks carefully

"Tommy was a friend first. We got along well. We had a lot in common, actually. Out of all of Buck's relationships I've hung out with Buck and Tommy together the most. He did break up with Buck over something really stupid though. I didn't peg him for being so insecure and petty. He really broke Bucks heart."

"Could you elaborate on that?"

"Buck wanted to get serious with him. He wanted to move in together and Tommy broke up with him out of the blue and was coming up with some stupid reason like "I'm your first not your last".

Frank takes a moment to think before he prods more. “You said you dynamic didn't change during any of these relationships. Do you think .." He coughs softly. "That your closeness was ever a problem for some of your partners?"

Eddie's immediate instinct is to deny that but then he stops himself and thinks back on something Ana once told him half jokingly.

"I feel like sometimes I'm the fourth party here between Buck and you guys. I fear I'll never win in a competition with Buck for Christopher's love."

Eddie had reassured her that Christopher has adored her, which wasn't a lie. When he broke it off with her Chris ran away to Buck's place, after all.

Now thinking back on it, maybe she had been more bothered by it than she let on. She probably, like Eddie, was trying to make this thing between them work, by force if necessary. Because on paper they had been perfect for each other.

Almost at least. To Eddie she had felt like the last missing puzzle piece that had the right shape but the wrong size in his family picture. In the end, Eddie should have realized that finding a mother for Christopher was not necessary because they were already complete.

He had already named Buck in his Will by that point. And still for some reason he went on to make the same mistake with Marisol, too.

She had been great with Christopher, as well. And she liked Buck. But she too was the wrong kind of puzzle piece he tried to jam into his picture.
He wonders, if he had been more honest with himself from the start, would have meeting Kim have had the same kind of impact on him?

"I don't know all the details of Bucks relationships but in mine it was mentioned once or twice but it was never a problem. Buck liked my girlfriends and he always encouraged me to do better by them."

Frank's fingers twitch again. He doesn't take down any notes though. "And what about you? How did you feel about Buck's partners?"

It was a fair question. He must have seen the disdain he has for Taylor Kelly. The question still made him feel flustered.

Because Eddie did in fact not like any of Bucks partners. The way they treated him and the way they would leave him. Even Tommy who he liked most of the bunch irritated him the moment they had become an item. It felt like Tommy didn't respect Buck at all but Buck had been happier than he had been in a long time so Eddie bit his tongue.

"I didn't really like any of them. Buck deserves better than that." He admits quietly.

"What makes you say that?" Frank asked carefully.

Tension starts to built up in the room. This was important somehow. Eddie was close to realizing something.
He absentmindedly rubs his hands together again.

"There was Abby... She just used him for her midlife crisis and later made him risk his life to safe her new fiance. She never even properly broke up with him. Then Ali was there. They were never that serious and when Buck was injured she didn't even have the decency to stick around. Saying the job was too much for her when she literally would not have been alive if not for the job. Taylor and Buck were steady for a while and they both tried to make it work but in the end they both ended up sabotaging the relationship because they both knew it wasn't going anywhere. Then there was Natalia." Eddie scoffs.
Not only did he not like her, he hated thinking about that time all together.
"All she saw in him was a novelty item. And then Buck dated Tommy. And it was fine, really. But the more they went out together the more it was blatantly obvious he didn't respect Buck all that much."

Eddie feels himself get worked up just thinking it.

"Did you ever voice your concerns to Buck?"

"No. Not really. Buck is just as bad at choosing his partners as I am. I knew they were not gonna stick around long enough for it to be an issue." Eddie shrugs.

Frank looks like he wanted to say something but holds himself back. Instead he writes down something and stares at it for a long moment.
"Ok, let's get back to roles. Buck is always there and always will be there. But his definition isn't just a co-worker or even best friend and isn't a brother figure in your life." he summaries.

Eddie nods along.

"I want you to look up the social role theory and give it some thought where Buck's role falls down for you. I'd have liked to discuss this with you further before you have family therapy with Christopher but its too late to schedule anything I'm afraid."

---

Chris was out on a sleepover so it was just Eddie and Buck at home. And usually that's fine. More than fine really. Usually they'd just sit and chill and watch a movie or maybe sit out on the porch and have some beer and talk.

But now he has homework from therapy that included Buck and Eddie can't help but feel awkward.

Buck must have picked up on it and seemed to avoid talking to Eddie. Hell, even Christopher gave him a suspicious look before saying goodbye.

And all Eddie was doing was sit at the dining table with a notepad next to his phone just staring at them while Buck cleaned the dishes.

When Buck was finished he glanced at Eddie before looking away quickly and busying himself with drying them also.

Eddie only noticed because he too was staring at Buck.

He wonders if Buck ever got homework from therapy or if this was a privilege special to Eddie. If he ever did, he probably dealt with it better than Eddie did.

"You know." He blurts out, startling them both.
Buck turns around, dish towel in hand staring at him.

When Eddie didn't immediately follow up Eddie could see the gears in Bucks head turning. Eddie could read the exact thoughts that must have been circling his mind now. 'Did I mishear? No. Should I say something? Should I wait?'

Eddie decides then and there to put Buck out of his misery. "I got homework from therapy."

"O-kay." Buck turns around slowly and leans on the counter. Drying towel still in his hands.
"Have you ever gotten homework from therapy?" Eddie asks.

Buck regards him for a moment and then gives him a small smile. "Can't say I have."

Eddie groans. "I have to research something but I don't really know how to start.. or why, really." He admits.

This clearly peaks Bucks interest. He leaves the drying rack on the counter and sits down opposite to Eddie. He gestures to the empty notepad. "What is it exactly you're supposed to research?"

"Have you ever heard of societal roles?"

"I mean, kinda." He leans back on the chair. "Everyone fulfills roles to themselves or other people consciously or unconsciously."

Eddie gives him a look. Buck lifts his hands in defense. "I took a psych class in college."

Eddie squints. The quip is right on his lips. Buck never finished college, didn't even really attend his classes. His love for knowledge has always been outside the scope of a school setting.

Buck coughs embarassed. The message had been received without Eddie ever needing to say anything. "Why exactly are you supposed to research societal roles?"

So I know what you are to me.

"Frank thinks it will help me explain my Will to Christopher."

Buck looks taken aback. "Your Will?" And then after a beat. "Wait - Christopher doesn't even know?!"

Eddie groans again. "I know! Frank already gave me shit about it."

Eddie!" Buck exclaims exasperated. "That was what- 4-5 years ago?"

"Which is why I have to tell him at our next therapy session."

Buck looks at him like he is insane. Eddie avoids his gaze and just stares at the notepad.
"Okay. Okay." Buck mumbled. "Okay. So why the societal roles though?"

So I can explain why it's you. But first I have to figure out what you are to me.

When Eddie doesn't answer him Buck continues. "Is this still about Shannon?"

Eddie wants to let Buck know the truth, he really does. But it fills him up with dread inside, thing thing inside of him hums again. He feels like it will overflow and swallow them both if he does.
So Eddie takes the opportunity to avoid the truth. He bites his lips. "Yeah, and my parents."

It's not really a lie. It's about why it's Buck and not his parents. It's not a lie, it's a lie by omission. He tells himself.

"Oh." Buck deflates and leans back in his chair again.

For a while they both remain silent.

This time it's Bucks turn to break the silence. "I could explain to you what I remember and that could give you a start for your research."

"Yeah " Eddie nods. "I'd appreciate it ."

Buck scratches his chin. "So basically we are friends right? So we behave a different way with each other compared to how we would act around our siblings for example. Of course everyone's relationship with their family is different but there is a certain standard to the tropes associated with it. We act different around each other than we'd do our siblings or parents... Or spouses." He adds tentatively at the end

"Spouses." Eddie repeats without thinking.

Buck coughs. "Yeah, I mean the expectations and trust in a spouse is different to other relationships. Maybe that's what Frank wants you to think about? The tropes are pretty standard but obviously your relationship with your parents is not ideal because some tropes are not fulfilled and you... Shannon was your spouse but she is not around anymore.. and you currently... don't have a spouse. So Chris's situation with the Will is what it is."

Is it? Does Buck think he is in his Will because Shannon is dead?
Eddie wants to protest.

If Shannon hadn't died, they would have been co-parents after the divorce went through. He thinks they would have managed that pretty well actually. They'd be co-parents and hopefully friends. Real partners in a way they'd never managed while being together.

Eddies train of thought suddenly comes to a stop.

I don't need a provider! I need a partner!

Shannon being dead is not the reason Buck is in his Will though. Not really. Of course Christopher losing his mother and Eddie's realization that his job could leave Christopher an orphan was the catalyst in his decision making. And Buck is right his relationship with his parents is the reason it's not them.

But Eddie has other family he trusts. Above all else his Abuela and Pepa who had been hurt at not being considered.

If he thinks about it, even if Shannon hadn't died he probably would have changed his Will at some point anyway.

In some shape or form he would have found a way to incorporate Buck in Christopher's life even if he'd outlived Shannon simply because that's what he honestly believes is best for Chris.

When Eddie thinks of what a partner should be, he thinks of Buck.

Because that's what they already are.

Eddie's mind races. "Thank you, I'll... I'll Google the roles more thoroughly." Eddie abruptly gets up and scrambles his phone and notepad into his hands. "See you later." He says quickly and makes a beeline for the bedroom.

Eddie feels like he going insane. After researching the tropes it's even more obvious what is happening.

Buck isn't just Eddie's work-partner. Buck is Eddie's partner-partner. Only he isn't, because apparently he is Eddie's wife. That's what the research is telling him.

A wife's traditional role is that of support be it emotional, mental or physical.
In the recent years these societal roles have evolved to include both sets of spouses. Now marriage in general is defined as a partnership on shared responsibilities, emotional, mental and physical support and equality.

These are all things Buck has been doing for him. That Eddie let's Buck do for him.

Things that he'd never let Shannon do for him.

Things he didn't do for Shannon but is doing for Buck.

So basically Eddie and Buck are married. Or at least Eddie treats Buck as if they are married.

Frank had asked how he was sure Buck will stay. And all Eddie could say was that he just did because it's Buck.

Eddie has been treating Buck as his spouse. As someone who's bound to him by a promise. A promise neither of them ever made.

He was being a better partner to Buck than he had ever been to Shannon. Even if that's cutting it close.

He and Buck can't be married. They're not together. Eddie is not ...

What exactly? Gay? Bi?

In love with Buck?

The moment the thought entered his mind, Eddie knew it to be true. This is what had been crawling under his skin, what made him think like there was some memo everyone had gotten but him.

From the moment Frank wanted to explore his relationship with Buck deeper, his subconscious knew this will come to light and was fighting against it.

But this can't be it, right? Couldn't they just be best friends?

Still in denial Eddie researched further and stumbled upon an article that answers the question of what the differences between platonic love and romantic love is.

There were various opinions and reasons and Eddie clung to each one that would let him off the hook. But then one paragraph stuck out to him and Eddie couldn't pretend anymore.

Platonic: someone I want in my life
Romantic: someone I want to built my life with

And there it was. No denial possible anymore. Eddie loved all of his friends and his life was better with them in it. But he didn't want to live with Chimney. He didn't want to eat family meals every night with Hen.

Not even with his Tia or Abuela would he want to drive Christopher to college once the time came.

The humming overtakes him for a moment. It's like the dam breaks and all Eddie can think about is Buck. Buck's smile, Buck's crinkle in his eyes, Buck's curls, Buck's warmth, Buck's lips... His mind goes BuckBuckBuckBuck as the feelings overrun him.

He was undeniably and unmistakably in love with Buck and probably has been for a while now.

In the same breath he realizes that he has known all along. If he had been truly oblivious to his feelings he would have told his parents about his will.
If he hadn't been aware of it he would have mentioned sharing a bed with Buck in therapy if not with their friends.

And that's the reason he avoided telling Christopher too. Because then at some point Buck's role in his life would have needed a proper definition. He had hoped he could avoid that altogether by keeping his feelings and the Will to himself.

And yet. And yet, still he had changed his Will in favor of Buck. If he hadn't put him in his will in the first place, he would have never been put in a position where he would need to acknowledge Buck's role in his life.

He put him in there because Eddie could not not have Buck in his life one way or another.

Frank had probably guessed from the very beginning and that was why he was pushing the issue so much.

In retrospect Eddie has always been territorial about Buck.

Buck was too but never regarding his romantic relationships. Buck is very good at keeping boundaries even though people accuse him of always being in their business.

Meanwhile Eddie third wheeled the shit out of his relationship with Tommy in particular.

Sure, he had been in vulnerable state with Chris gone, but looking back on it?

Their couples costume for the bachelor party? Where did Tommy even go when Buck and Eddie continued to party?

Eddie had always maintained that Tommy hadn't respected Buck but actually it was Eddie who hadn't respected their relationship.
He'd call Buck at all hours, hang out with him, alone or together with Tommy because he knew in a competition between them Buck would choose him and Eddie wanted to what? Make Tommy understand?

What was it that he had told Frank? He never worried too much about Buck's partners because they were all temporary?
And then a cringey memory hits him. It was about the treasure hunt. How he had just assumed Buck would team up with him even though everyone around them had paired up with their romantic partners and Buck's romantic partner was Taylor. He basically guilt tripped Buck into teaming up together. It didn't even matter that Taylor had involved her cameraman too.

No wonder Tommy thought Buck didn't take their relationship serious.

He's been sabotaging Buck left and right.

What was he thinking? Clearly nothing.
He sighs and lets himself flop down onto the bed. A bed that soon will be occupied with Buck. They have an early shift tomorrow.

What was he thinking?
He never gave it a name and still was so sure Buck would accept it in the same way he knew Buck would accept becoming Christoper's guardian.

He groans. It was so obvious wasn't it?

Eddie had counted the seconds until Buck's heart started beating again. Something tells him, he would have continued counting if Buck's heart never restarted.
When Buck was in the come Eddie couldn't even bear looking at him. And he hadn't even been aware yet.

Now that he is, a lot of things make more sense in retrospect.

Marisol once commented on how much time Chris and Buck spend together outside of babysitting him when they went on dates and all it had done was confusing Eddie to no end. Because why wouldn't they?

"Why would I want to see killer robots?"
"No that's not what I... I mean doesn't Christopher have friends that would have liked to go with him? Doesn't Buck...?" She had asked carefully.
Eddie could only frown and explain. "Watching robots fight to death has been their thing for years."
Marisol had dropped it after.

Eddie bound Buck to him via Christopher. The question is, did he do that before or after he fell in love with Buck.

Did he fall in love with Buck first and then threw Christopher at him or did he fall in love after seeing how he was with Chris and then decided to seal the deal?

Either way. Eddie loves Buck and he loves that Christopher loves Buck and Buck loves Christopher.

Does Buck love him?

Eddie looks at the closed bedroom door as if the thought alone would summon Buck to the room.

Does it even matter?

Can he even act on his feelings?

Based on how Eddie has been behaving since coming home from therapy and the past few weeks, it's a big possibility that Buck might just crash on the couch and pretend he fell asleep just to give Eddie some space.

And it might be what he needs right now but it sure as hell isn't what he wants.

Now more than ever he feels like he needs Buck close even if his new realization might make things awkward.

Maybe to verify his feelings. Or maybe to bask himself in which he can't have.

Either way he is going to milk this situation for as long as possible because Buck will move out soon.

He sighs again and gets up. He needs to take a shower also. And depending on Bucks mood he will either take one now or tomorrow. Eddie takes a deep breath to brace himself himself and goes back out to the living area.

When he gets to the living room he finds Buck sound asleep on the couch with his latest book on his chest. He almost bursts out laughing. So much for mental preparation.

Buck looks so peaceful, so at home and something in Eddie's chest blooms.

There was never anything to worry about and yet there is all to worry about.

He wants this scenery tattooed on his heart. He settles for taking a picture instead.

Because he can. Because he loves Buck.

Eddie goes to take a quick shower let Buck be for a while.

His feelings constantly switch between happy and giddy to solemn and sad. Like all things concerning Buck his feelings too are easy and hard to deal with.

He is happy that he finally understands himself better. He likes this Eddie, the Eddie that is in love with Buck. But he can never act on it. Eddie thinks he can never be in a relationship ever again even if it's Buck, especially if it's Buck. The fear of fucking it up is just as big as the fear of messing up with Christopher again.

A traitorous part of him wonders if things would have been different if he had gotten his shit together earlier.

He shakes his head as if to shake the thoughts out of his head, but that is just the story of his life. Another What-if added to the list in his life story.

Still, he feels more settled after his shower. He checks the living room and sees Buck still deeply asleep. He hates to disturb him but they're not in their twenties anymore. Buck needs to sleep on a bed. If said bed is shared with him that's just a bonus and no ones business.

Eddie has been shameless about Buck since the very beginning so why stop now. He will never have more than this, so at least he should enjoy what he can have.

He goes through Buck's curls with his hands. They're soft to the touch despite the millions of products he puts in it now. "Buck." He calls softly.
Buck gives a grunt in response and blinks his eyes open.

It's so clear he is still half asleep and Eddie takes advantage of it. Just for today Eddie will indulge in this, he repeats to himself. He continues to caress Bucks head.

He has two weeks left of Buck being in his space like this in general. After that they'll still be close but there will be no excuse left for anything. No excuse to sharing a bed, a couch, a meal everyday. Not even a real excuse to seeing each other every day.

"Come on, let's get you back to bed."

"Mhm." Buck nuzzles his head into his hand. Eddie swallows down the lump that is forming. That will be tomorrows problem. Today he will indulge.

He helps Buck get up and guides them back to the bedroom and then the bed.
He is about to drift of to sleep when he feels Buck tug on his shirt.

"Eddie?" He asks, sounding way more alert now.

"Yeah, Buck?"

Buck waits a beat before asking. "Will you be okay?"

Warmth blooms inside of him. It spreads all over his body.

That's the thing isn't it. No matter what happens, Buck has his back. They're in this together, whatever this is.

And Buck is worried about him. Eddie probably has about one week after Buck moves out to get out of his therapy induces slump before Buck will do something more confrontational, but it doesn't mean that the Buck now is not already worried.
He's taking on the majority of the home load and even though at work they're not partners anymore, Buck has been keeping an eye out on him. All of this to support Eddie.

Eddie already decided what needs to be done. Or not done to be more precise. He just needs bit more time to fully come to terms with it. To mourn something that will never be before letting it go.

"Yeah. Yeah I will." he reassures him.

"Okay, good." Buck doesn't let go of his shirt and Eddie doesn't mind. He can't tell who falls asleep first but that doesn't matter. It's the start of something new and something old and something in-between.

---

"Don't be nervous, if you're nervous I'm nervous. And I can't be nervous because I won't be there, so I'll have no clue till you come back."

Buck rambles while they're at a red light on their way to family therapy. Chris is going directly after school. His reasoning being that if he is big enough to take the bus he is big enough to take an Uber. Meanwhile Eddie is being driven by Buck.

Technically they're both still on shift but Captain Han has been surprisingly reasonable and accommodating of their therapy schedule even going as far as allowing Buck to sometimes drive him to and or back from therapy at work hours. The horrors of interim Captain Han are long forgotten, replaced by this new and mature Chimney.

Eddie is guessing he isn't the only one currently in therapy. Chimney has excused himself for an hour or so himself leaving Hen in charge. They all need it probably after the year they had, but there is only so much time during the day to alternate. Maybe once they're done the others will go.

"I'm not." Eddie assures. Which is a lie. Eddie has been nervous since he came back from Texas with Christopher and has not calmed down since. But all this was so the he needn't be anymore. So he pushes through.

Family therapy was hard but he had to admit it was working. Eddie and Christopher have finally talked about Shannon, Kim and even his parents in depth.
Things are still awkward but they are getting better Eddie has to remind himself. They had started with Christopher running away from home to an entirely different state after all.

Eddie takes a deep breath.

"You are." Buck immediately counters back. "Just .." Buck says as they turn into the parking lot. "Just text me right after, okay? If Christopher is very upset about it I can stay over at Maddie's, I already talked to her."

It being the Will.

Eddie sighs. "If he is going to be upset, he's gonna be upset at me." He turns to Buck and puts his hand on his shoulder willing Buck to look at him. "You won't need to go anywhere, don't worry. I will also not go anywhere. We don't do that anymore, remember? Even when we're upset, we come home."

Something flashes behind Buck's eyes but before he can even properly register it being there it's gone. "Home.." Buck breathes out. If Eddie had more time, if Eddie could give him more, he would address it and make Buck never question his place ever again.

All Eddie can do now though is ignore it and hope what he can give will be enough. He squeezes his shoulder. "Home." He repeats.

They look at each other for a moment. Eddie hopes he is at least able to reassure Buck enough for him to not lose his mind during work. An emotionally distraught Buck does dangerous things at work. And it won't help Eddies anxiety that he won't be there to watch over him. "I promise to text you right after, even if you're busy and I have to take an Uber, okay?"

Bucks hand finds the wrist of the hand on his shoulder. He takes a steadying breath and nods. "Okay." He nods again. "You got this, Eddie."

Eddie smiles softly. "Yeah."

---

After a beat they both let go and Eddie is out of the car. He blinks and suddenly he is already in the elevator up to the office.

Eddie hasn't got this. He rubs his hands together. Going into a blazing fire, or even the battlefield is still easier for him than an emotionally charged talk.

When the elevator doors open he can see Christopher already sitting in front of the office door waiting. They give each other a silent wave as a greeting when Eddie sits next to him.

They don't have to wait long, maybe 5 minutes or so before they're called in.

"Hello Christopher and Eddie, please sit." Dr. Yang greets them.

They sit down next to each other on the large couch in front of Dr. Yang. When they had their first session Eddie had wondered why the setting of family therapy looked so much like that of couples therapy he would see occasionally on TV. Now after his research of the last weeks he guesses it makes kind of sense. Families are a kind of relationship too.

"So, how has your month been?" Dr. Yang asks.

Eddie shrugs and looks at Christopher. Christopher looks at him as if giving him a chance to speak first, then groans when Eddie fails to do so. "Dad's been acting really weird again."

Eddie wants to defend himself almost immediately, to brush it off. But Chris is right, he is being weird and this place is supposed to be a safe space to voice these kind of things out. And Christopher needs to know that he is being taken seriously. Denying the truth would only belittle him and he has been made aware time and time again, that that's not what Christoper needs or wants.

"I know." He admits and Christopher looks up. Surprise written all over his face. Eddie tries not to feel too offended at that.

"Okay, let's start there then." Dr. Yang suggests.

Eddie glances at Chris before facing Dr. Yang. "Therapy has been hard lately. I'm learning some new stuff about myself that I need to get used to." Eddie rubs his neck. "Buck's moving out is also stressing me out. It all just piled up, I think."

Chris looks down in his hands. "Yeah, me too." He admits.
Then after a beat he looks at Dr. Yang and says. "I don't know how to talk to Dad if Buck is not there."

And ain't that just the truth for both of them.

Dr. Yang nods. "Why do you think that is?"

Christopher moves his knees. In nervousness or annoyance Eddie can't tell. "It's just... I don't know. I get so annoyed at him. And then Dad shuts down. It's like he is scared of any emotions I have and that annoys me more."

Eddie looks at Christopher but Christopher resolutely doesn't turn to him anymore and only addresses Dr. Yang. So Eddie turns to her too.

"It's true. I am scared of saying or doing the wrong thing still. Not always but I think this last few weeks were especially hard and with Buck's move looming over us I reverted back to how things were at the beginning... After we came back home."

"I am not gonna run away again!" Christopher exclaims.

Eddie bites his lips. "How can I be sure though? El Paso wasn't the first time.".

Christopher turns to him now and rolls his eyes. "I went to Buck's place, that can't be considered running away."

In a way Eddie supposes it doesn't.

Dr. Yang coughs. "So basically you both have been using Buck as a shield between you. I believe, it will be a good thing then for both of you when he moves out again and you have your home to yourselves. I believe, you will get back into the hang of things in no time." She reassures.

Eddie frowns and looks at her. From the side of his eyes he can see Christopher doing the same thing.
What was it with therapists telling him that he was depending on Buck too much?

"Actually, why does he even have to move out in the first place? This is way more convenient for all of us!"

"Now, now, Christopher. Don't you think Buck wants his own space? There will come a time when he might have his own family and then he won't be around anymore." Dr. Yang placates and Eddie can't stop himself from snorting in amusement.

Even Christopher looks at her like she is insane.

A life without Buck for any one of them does seem insane, doesn't it?

Dr. Yang looks like she has not expected this reaction from either one or them and looks a bit surprised. She doesn't address it. Instead she asks: "Christopher, do you think going to your grandparents does count then?"

Chris huffs. "Yes." He agrees petulantly. "That's different. I mean now it would be even more different because I know now how they view me as their do-over kid. I wouldn't go there again. But Buck's different." He insists.

Dr. Yang doesn't write down a lot of notes during their session, she isn't like Frank who takes notes basically after everything Eddie says. But this time she writes something down but doesn't bring it up.

Eddie guesses this is as good as time as any to confess and coughs. "Actually Christopher, I wanted to talk to you about something regarding Buck."

Chris turns to him and for a split second he looks betrayed, heartbroken and scared all at once. But he hides it well. He must have been copying Eddie's behavioral mechanisms for longer than he had been aware of. "What do you mean?"

Eddie coughs again. "I... I.." Eddie looks at Dr. Yang as if she can help him say it out loud. But Dr. Yang has no clue. And she just told them Buck might leave them, so she clearly has no clue about their dynamic at all too. And Christopher seems to be panicking the longer Eddie hesitates. He needs to do this right.
Eddie just comes out with it. "If something happens to me, Buck will become your legal guardian."

Christopher visibly deflates. "Okay, why did you have to make it sound so ominous?" He looks completely unfazed.

In a way Eddie supposes it shouldn't but it relaxes the knot in his stomach all the same that Christopher is alright with it.
"Sorry.. I made the change a while back and was too scared to tell you." Eddie admits.

Christopher frowns. "How far back?" He looks at Eddie like he is trying to decipher a riddle.

A while back he admitted to Eddie that he feels like he has to be hyper vigilant around him because Eddie keeps so many vital things to himself.
Which is true of course. Case in point to this information he is giving him now half a decade after it happened.
Eddie feels the need to assure Christopher that this is the last big thing, but he can't really do that because his first instinct will always be to keep things from Christopher. He doesn't think therapy will change that. It has made him stop and consider, sure. He doesn't get so defensive about things anymore. But who is to say he won't keep a big secret like this again?

"A couple of months after the tsunami. There was an incident at work where I almost died and it made me think about what would happen to you if I were gone and... What I didn't want for you. Which was my parents. Buck will always be there for you and fight for you like no one else. You know that."

"Of course, I know that." Chris dismisses like Eddie is being stupid. "What do you mean there was an incident at work where you almost died?!"

Eddie glances at Dr. Yang again who just seems to observe for now, letting them talk. "There was a mudslide and I got buried in it."

Christopher almost jumps up. "Why didn't I know?!"

Eddie takes a deep breath and tries his best to confront Christopher head on. "Bud, you'd just lost your mother. I didn't want to scare you... I.. I actually, till that point hadn't believed I could die doing my job. I'm sorry I didn't tell you before."

Christopher huffs. "Of course. So what, you and Buck made the great plan of how to deal with me while you go off and die behind my back, then?"

Eddie cringes. They'll have to come back to that again but first he has to give him all the facts. "Buck didn't know at that point either."

"Buck didn't know what either?" Christopher asks.

"That I had put him in my Will and named him your guardian."

Christopher for a lack of a better word just gawks at him. Eddie glances at Dr. Yang and even she looks shocked but hiding it significantly better.

Then Christopher explodes. "This is why talking to you is impossible!" He turns to Dr. Yang. "This is what he does all the time! How are we supposed to go back to normal when apparently we were never normal?! He didn't even tell Buck?! So what, we are all just supposed to dance by his tune because he knows better?!"

Eddie flinches. He pushes the instinct to defend himself down and he takes a breath. Because Christopher is right.
"I know. I know, believe me I know. I already got an earful from Frank and Buck."

Chris turns away from him and crosses his arms.

Dr. Yang clears her throat to get their attention back. "So you told Buck and he is alright with this arrangement?"

"Yeah. I .. actually told Buck after I got shot. And he had assumed that Christopher knew all along."

Christopher mumbles something under his breath that Eddie can't make out. He was probably cursing him out.

"Buck and you are the same age, right?" Dr Yang asks him.

Eddie turns his attention back to her and nods.

"Buck's older." Christopher comments.

Eddie sighs. "By one year." He supplies.

Dr. Yang looks between Christopher and Eddie. "Excuse me for being so blunt... But what kind of relationship do you actually have with Buck?" She addresses both of them but Eddie knows it is mostly addressed at him.

Apparently the moment Eddie tells people about his Will, they immediately seem to figure him out. It makes him even more glad that he has avoided telling his parents, or that he made sure they had no right to contest it.

Christopher sometimes gets this look, when he thinks adults are being particularly stupid. And that is the look he is giving Dr. Yang now. But then, because he has taken therapy serious since the very beginning, he actually considers it more seriously.

"Buck's just.. Buck." He shrugs. "He's like..." Christopher gestures vaguely and frowns. As if he figured something out. He looks at Eddie, now more suspicious than anything.
"Wait. What's Buck to you, dad?" He asks carefully.

That was way faster than Eddie could have expected. But Christopher has always been emotionally more intelligent than him. Now with more facts lined out in front of him Christopher seems to have figured it out rather easy.

Eddie glances at Dr. Yang. He only figured out his own feelings like a week ago. He's not admitted it to anyone else yet. And honestly he never thought he would need to. Telling Christopher is one thing, but telling him in front of someone else feels even more surreal.

He considers avoiding the truth and using one of the many descriptions he's used in recent times to describe Buck. Best friend, family, partner. But none of those will ever fit. That's the reason Christopher struggled to come up with a better term for it than 'Buck' himself.

Frank was right. At some point his relationship with Buck needed to be defined. Christopher is getting older, soon he will go to college. If not now he would have started asking questions soon anyway.
And they were in this whole mess because Eddie was not being truthful to Christopher to begin with.

Eddie looks Christopher straight in his eyes. "I'm in love with him." There is no running away from this, not anymore.

Christopher holds still. It seems he needs a moment to process what Eddie just told him. And then he widens his eyes and cries out a panicked "No! You can't!"

He can see Dr. Yang is about to interject. Maybe she thinks it's a homophobic thing. But before she can Christopher continues.

"You can't! You'll fuck it up and then I'll lose Buck too!" There are tears running down his cheeks and Eddie feels his heart being ripped apart.

He had already decided to never act on his feelings because he agrees. But being told by your own son that he has no hope for him, that he too firmly agrees he will screw this up...

Eddie closes his eyes and takes in the mental punch he has just received. So many emotions run through him at that moment, but he doesn't have time to feel hurt about it.
He grabs Christopher's shoulders. "I know." Christopher is trying to free himself from the hold but Eddie doesn't let him. He needs Christopher to hear this. "I won't. I won't act on it. I promise you, Christopher!"

This makes Chris stop and look at him. "What? You're not together?" He asks confused.

"No, we are not. I won't do that to you, I promise. You're right, okay? And you will always be my priority."

Christopher still looks confused and lost. "But you guys... You share a bed!"

Eddie feels the heat rise in his cheeks almost immediately.
It's been a secret to anyone other than each other. Of course, Christopher might have told people, but it seems that he too had not considered it to be anything other than how they usually act and didn't think it worth considering the implications further. Until now, that is.

He hasn't even told Frank, but now Dr. Yang knows and Eddie feels the all too familiar shame course through him.

"Not like that." He clarified for both her and Christopher's sake. "Bud, I promise you I haven't told anyone, let alone Buck. I didn't even know until last week myself."

This seems to calm Christopher down. He stops fighting his grip and looks at him again. He squints.

"I promise you." Eddie repeats. "It won't happen. You won't have to worry."

The rest of their session comes to a rather awkward end. Dr. Yang appears unsure of how proceed further and just tells them to digest all these new revelations until next time. She reassures them that they were making a lot of progress by being honest with each other. She gives Eddie a weird look on their way out but but maybe it was Eddie's mind playing tricks on him.

Buck is out on a call so Eddie called an Ubershare for both him and Christopher. They don't speak while waiting and they don't speak on the ride. There is a young woman riding with them who doesn't even spare them a glance. She is the first stop before the driver drove to their house.

Eddie expects Chris to just get out, maybe mumble a farewell, but what he doesn't expect is Christopher suddenly hugging him. Tackling him, really, before quickly scrambling to leave the car.

Eddie is too stunned to speak and not before long the driver drops him off back at the station.

His team isn't back yet, so he goes and made himself a coffee. Charly was man behind but she just nods and goes back to napping on the communal couch.

Eddie resolutely tries not to think too much about what has just transpired. But his mind is reeling and the coffee is not magically stopping the spiral like he was hoping.

It was one thing for Eddie to know his feelings could never lead to anything. It was another thing to be know that Christopher wholeheartedly agreed. If Buck and Eddie had been actually married and divorced Eddie at least knew who Chris would chose.

The thought is so absurd it makes Eddie laugh.

Anyway, he is glad that the 118 is still out. He has time to gather his thoughts before having to face Buck.

"He's really fine with it?" Buck asked the second he spotted Eddie still sitting at the kitchen counter.

Eddie holds back another laugh. "Yeah, told you not to worry."

Buck looks like a weight has been lifted off his shoulder. Behind him Chim, Hen and Ravi arrive, they look curious but they've learned to just go with the flow when they were being cryptic about things.

Buck takes Eddie's state in. "If he is fine with it, why do you look so sad then?"

Eddie loves this man so much he wants to cry. Instead he laughs again. He reminds himself that even if they don't have a romantic future, it doesn't mean they don't have a future at all. Buck loves him, that much is clear and that must be enough. Is enough.

Buck looks concerned and in the background he sees Hen and Chim giving each other a look.

"I think Dr. Yang is fed up with us." He offers and hopes that will distract them enough.

It does. They all join in to joke and make quips at Eddie's expense. Buck says if the therapist is done maybe that means they're winning therapy, which just makes everyone laugh because that's not like therapy works. Chim counters he thought it only counts as winning therapy when one makes the therapist cry which just makes Hen laugh in outrage.

The rest of the shift goes on as normal. The way home is normal. Even breakfast with Christopher is normal though bit awkward because how Christopher is looking at both Buck and Eddie.
Eddie expected it. In a way it feels nice to finally have a secret with Chris that Buck is not privy to.
Buck clearly feels uncomfortable and is bending over backwards to please Christopher. Chris takes full advantage of it and Eddie lets it happen until the third serving of bacon and Buck's promise to drive Chris and his friends around on the weekend.

And when he reprimands Christopher and he gets an annoyed look in return, it doesn't immediately send Eddie into a panic. Buck shoots him a radiant smile because of course he is and things are looking up again.

It's bitter sweet. Buck will still move out, he won't ever truly belong to Eddie beyond the bounds of their friendship but Christopher doesn't hate him and he feels more prepared than ever.

---

He tells Frank as much. He tells him about the realization, asks how long Frank knew (which he wouldn't answer) and that he still doesn't know anything beyond that point regarding his sexuality and what not.
But he feels clear headed and finally a bit more even footed with Christopher.

Frank is happy for him. When he asks what he plans on doing with his feelings Eddie doesn't tell him about how he fears he will fuck it up. How Christopher fears he will fuck it up.

Instead he tells him he'll take it slow and he doesn't want to rush things.
Frank accepts this and even apologizes for pushing Eddie so hard on the matter but he was working against the clock with Buck's moving day approaching and that he was glad they've managed this breakthrough in time.

Frank goes through some more calming and breathing strategies with him just in case he gets overwhelmed with Christopher after Buck moves out and there is that.

---

Buck moves out on a Thursday of all things.

Eddie didn't sleep all night. He watched Buck's back the whole night, the rise and fall of his breathing, the curls at his nape, the way the shirt stretched at the shoulders. And because Eddie decided to at least indulge in the things he can he scoots closer and puts his hand on his back to feel all those things, even if it's just once. Buck never wakes up or turns around and that's it for their last night together.

They hug and Christopher still complains about Buck moving but it's all in good humor.
It's goodbye and it's not because everything changes but nothing really will.

Buck still comes over for weekends when they're not working and cooks them breakfast. They still play video games where Christopher remains undefeated. Buck and Christopher go out to some outing or the other, and they still sit on the porch and drink beer together.

It's just that they do all of these things now in two places.

Because Buck's new house is nice. Not in the way the loft was nice but nice in the way of homey and who was Eddie to deny him that.

Christopher has his own space at Bucks house. There is another room for his niece and nephew and general guests, but there is a special place just for Chris and when he shows them both Christopher and Eddie cry but neither admits to it. Buck doesn't tease either one of them because he is crying too and that's that too.

Another thing that happens is that Christopher becomes less angry and annoyed at him though the second one is minuscule. A teenagers patience runs very thin. He becomes more considerate and kind. Back to the boy Eddie knows.
It melts something inside Eddie that he hadn't realized was frozen to begin with.

So why couldn't Eddie sleep?

Eddie has taken to rolling onto Buck's side and hugging his pillow to help him fall asleep. Which makes no sense. In all the time Buck's been here they have never cuddled or touched more than their general routine, keeping their contact to shoulder touches and squeezes.

And now he needs to hug his pillow for getting any sleep at all.

He tells Frank everything at his next session. He tells him about his feelings, about what happened at family therapy and how Christopher is vehemently against any romantic relationship with Buck and he tells him about sharing a bed and how now he can't seem to sleep anymore.

"That is quite a tough situation to be in. Do you regret not being aware of your feelings for Buck?" He asks him.

Eddie doesn't have an immediate answer. Frank tells him to think about this till their next session and Eddie has to laugh because he got homework from therapy again.

---

Eddie honestly didn't think living separately would make that much of a difference with how often they see each other until he doesn't get to see Buck every day.

When Buck was living with him it didn't matter that they couldn't interact as much during work as they used to because they would go home together and spend basically their entire free time together.

Now Eddie feels like he is gonna jump out of his skin like a drug addict that is looking for his next hit. He feels like he is going insane a little bit actually.

Because it makes sense that they can't be attached at the hip anymore.

Buck will be climbing into burning buildings with Ravi while Eddie will be down handling wounds with Hen. That's their new normal now.

And even before all of it, before Texas when Buck still had his loft, they also wouldn't see each other every day and it was fine.

There is no way just by knowing his feelings things have gotten this much harder.

But it has.

During calls he has an extra ear out for Bucks voice, because he craves Buck's presence in any shape or form.

Sometimes it's only Hen and Eddie riding out in the ambulance for purely medical calls and Eddie isn't sure if he is more or less distracted during those calls.

Hen notices because of course she does. She is his partner now, it's her job to notice but she doesn't question him about it. Eddie almost wants her to.

It makes sense that they can't see each other every day because they have other friends and family too and only limited time during the day.

But Eddie misses Buck immensely, so when a parent-teacher conference comes around he makes Buck accompany him. This one isn't even mandatory, just some general information about the reading lists and curriculum and what not. Eddie doesn't even remember what was said. All he did was bask in the warmth that is Buck for as long as he could.

When he drops Buck off at his house Eddie wants to take a detour or take him home or just go inside Buck's house but he doesn't do any of those things.

Even Buck looks hesitant and it's almost enough for Eddie to make a move. But whenever he thinks of making a move he thinks of Christopher and that is quite the deterrent to any action he could take.

They say their goodbyes and go their separate ways.

Eddie doesn't have the luxury to feel miserable about it because when he comes home and Christopher greets him it makes all of it worthwhile.

And it is, until night rolls around again and Eddie can't sleep.

He's doing okay, or so he thought until one night when Christopher confronts him.

Eddie is in the process of making tea in the hopes it will magically make him sleepy when he turns around to find Chris there staring at him. Eddie jumps and almost lets go of his cup.
"Dios mijo! You scared me!" He looks over at the radio watch on the counter. It's 3:20 at night. "What are you doing up?"

Christopher frowns at him. "I could ask you the same question. I have been hearing you up at all times."

Oh. That definitely throws Eddie in for a loop but he shouldn't have been surprised. Christopher isn't a child anymore. His sleep isn't as deep as it used to be and their house doesn't have the thickest of walls. Also Christopher is probably up later than his presumed bedtime himself playing games and what not.

He has no idea how to answer him and just stares dumbfounded at his son.

Christopher's frown deepens. "Are you okay?"

Well, that's a loaded question if Eddie ever heard one. "I'm fine." He says on instinct and sees Christopher's face fall for a second before the all too familiar annoyance comes back. He turns around and makes his way back to his room. "Whatever." He mumbles.

Eddie wants to kick himself. This is their conflict in a nutshell and he is doing it again. All Christopher wants from him is his honesty and here Eddie is dismissing him again.

"I just..!" He starts and stops himself again. How much can he tell Christopher without making Chris feel anxious? He doesn't want Chris to fear that he will break his promise to him. Eddie has been going crazy thinking about crossing boundaries that were never an issue before. He feels like he is dancing on the edge of a sword trying to keep the status quo when everything around him and inside him is changing.

Chris stops and turns around surprised.

Eddie can't tell Christopher in detail but he guesses he can tell him the basic truth. "I miss Buck."

"Oh." He hears Christopher say.

"Don't worry, I won't break our promise!" Eddie assures just as quickly. "I just hadn't realized how much I would miss him when he moved out. I guess, I got a bit too used to him being around all the time. I'll get used to the way things are now soon I think, don't worry."

He doesn't know who he is trying to convince. By the looks of it Christopher is not even slightly convinced. He looks like he wants to say something but then he bites his lips. "Okay." And then he turns back around and makes his way back to his bedroom. "Don't be so loud next time." He says and closes the door behind him.

Well, if that wasn't confirmation enough that Eddie needs to get a grip he doesn't know what is.
He sighs and takes his tea to the bedroom and hides out the rest of the night there. He doesn't even attempt to sleep anymore.

-

"911, what's your emergency?"
"She is slipping I can't hold on much longer!"

Eddie has tried so hard to go on, to make everything work the way things were now. To make everyone around him happy. But it all falls crushing down on him. Eddie doesn't believe in the universe, the same way he doesn't believe in miracles. But when Buck is considered he guesses that all flies out the window.

When the call comes through, Maddie explains that two women, Nora and Elisabeth, were hiking when their trail suddenly collapsed. They fell onto a clearing but Elisabeth rolled over the edge. Nora was able to hold onto Elisabeth but there was no guarantee how long she would be able to. Elisabeth seems to have hit her head and was unconscious.

"We have to move fast. Buck, Eddie, when we arrive you go down there fast, pull them to safety while Eddie administers first aid. Ravi, you secure their lines. Hen, you stay up preparing the backboards and get the ambulance ready to roll." Chim instructs.

Buck and Eddie jump out the truck before it even stopped. Ravi close behind. They secure themselves on the line. Ravi checks their lines while Buck and Eddie each check each other's harnesses in practiced fashion and then in less than a few seconds they are down there to help Nora lift Elisabeth up.

Carefully they lay Elisabeth on her back. Buck checks Nora over while Eddie focuses on Elisabeth. Nora explains in a panic that when the trail collapsed and Nora grabbed onto Liz, as she calls Elisabeth, that some stones hit her head and she's been unconscious since.

"How does it look Eddie? Think we can lift her up?" Chims voice comes through the radio.

When Eddie had looked her over he knew almost immediately that this was not going to end well. Liz is bleeding into her skull but more importantly her breathing was shallow and her pulse was weak. He informs their captain of as much and he hears Chim curse under his breath.

While the backboard is lowered, Eddie put the monitoring devices on.
The arm Nora held onto had claw marks imprinted on it. Nora held on for dear life. Which was impressive because she has a dislocated shoulder. Though she doesn't seem to notice it at all, her sole focus is on her friend.

Liz is stable until they were about to lift her up. That's when she flatlines.

Nora screams.

Buck and Eddie start CPR. Eddie is on compressions and Buck bagged her.

"You have to help her! We have to go to the hospital!" Nora exclaims.

"We can't move her until she is stable." Buck explains gently.

Nora grabs her friends hand with her good one. Under normal circumstances they wouldn't have allowed this but they're busy and no one else can hold Nora back.

Also Eddie feels for her and doesn't want to be the one keeping her from the friend she hold on for dear life on. Buck seems to agree.

"Please Liz, you can't leave me. You just can't!"

They stop for their first pulse check. Eddie is so nervous but thankfully there is one. "We have to move her NOW." And they do. Eddie gets pulled up together with Nora on the backboard while Buck gets ready to be pulled up with Nora.

Together with Hen they lift Liz on the wheeled stretcher. Meanwhile Nora and Buck are pulled up. The moment Nora is free of the harness she is at Liz's side holding her hand.

Eddie and Hen share a look. They both know Liz's chances of survival are abysmal, 50/50 if she is lucky, especially after the first cardiac event.

But then a miracle happens and Liz opens her eyes. She blinks and finds Nora immediately and smiles. "Thank God you're okay."

But miracles don't exist in this world.

Before anyone has the chance of acknowledging her, her eyes roll back and she flatlines again.

They immediately collapse the stretcher to the ground and jump back into giving CPR. Eddie is back on compressions while Hen is now on oxygen.

"NO!" Nora tries to lunge at Liz, but Buck holds her back. Barely. Ravi goes over to help him and that's all Eddie can see from the corner of his eye.

"Pulse check." Hen calls out. He holds his breath as Hen manually checks the pulse while their eyes are glued on the monitor in hopes it shows something she can't feel. But there is nothing.

"No Pulse!" Hen informs him and immediately Eddie is back on it.

They try to bring Liz back for over 45 minutes. Eddie and Hen switch at 15 minutes intervals. Eddie wouldn't have known how much time past if not for Chimneys running the code.

And it's Chimney who calls it. "It's time guys."

"No! You can't stop! Liz! Wake up, please! You can't stop! She is not dead!" Nora ties to wiggle out of Buck's and Ravi's hold.

Buck tries to tell her to calm down, that she will hurt herself but she doesn't care. Her screams echo all around them and Eddie doesn't want to stop compressions. He looks to Hen who looks just as reluctant.

"Pulse check." She says quietly and Eddie stops. The constant peeping of the monitor only amplifies Nora's cries. Hen checks her radial and then her carotid and presses her eyes shut.

"Time of death 2:05 pm."

And with that Nora collapses on the ground. Buck and Ravi go with her but she doesn't stay. She scrambles forward to Liz and grabs her by her chest.
She is hysterical at this point "Liz! Liz! You can't die, please! How can I do this without you? Please don't leave me!" She sobs and puts her head on her chest.

"I love you! I was too scared to tell you but I've loved you ever since I met you! I can't do any of this without you!"

Eddie can't help it, he turns to look at Buck and their eyes meet. Eddie wants to grab onto Buck and never let go but he doesn't move. Neither does Buck. Neither does anybody.

They're all too stunned to even speak for a moment meanwhile Nora tries to shake Liz awake and sobs and cries and screams.

It's Hen who shakes out of it first. "Nora, you are hurting yourself... I am going to give you a sedative."

And Nora fights them tooth and nail. She grabs onto Liz for dear life and really, is it a wonder? She hold onto Liz for almost an hour on a dislocated shoulder, she grabbed onto Liz so hard that she has left marks. There was no way in hell she would let go of Liz on her own accord.

Eddie and Hen load Nora into the ambulance and Hen gets into the driver's seat while Eddie stays in the back with Nora.
Eddie glances one last time at Buck. Bucks back is turned to him. They're putting Liz in a body back.

Hen gives him a look through the rearview mirror. They don't speak.

Nora wakes up a couple of minutes before they reach the hospital startling them both.

"It's my fault." Her voice is slurred and her eyes are half open. The fact alone that she woke up at all after the dose they had administered her just cements how much she was still fighting it.

"She never liked hiking. She just indulges me." She turns towards Eddie and asks. "Is she really dead?"
Eddie freezes for a moment before choking out an affirmative.

Nora cries softly. "I tried to pull her up but I wasn't strong enough."

"Nora, honey .." Hen calls from the driver's seat. "It was an accident. There was nothing you could have done. She most likely was already dead the moment the rock made impact with her head."

Nora is not listening to them, but she doesn't turn hysterical either. She just cries softly.

"She was the love of my life. And now she is gone. I should have told her."

After turning Nora over and explaining her mental status to them Hen and Eddie stand in front of the ambulance at a loss for words.

Hen takes her phone out. "I... I have to call Karen." She says barely holding back tears. Eddie nods and let's her get a few feet away from him.

Eddie sits down on the back back of the ambulance. He wants to call Buck, which is ridiculous because he has just seen Buck and he will see him back at the station.

He wants to call Christopher too but what would he say?

'Christopher pretty please the universe is screaming at me?' Yeah, no. He made a promise and he will uphold that promise.

They return to the station and Chim tells them he has taken them offline for an hour to recuperate, or more like 20 minutes left after Eddie and Hen arrive at the station but Eddie will take it.

He looks around the station and Buck is nowhere to be found. That leaves only the roof.

When he gets there he finds Buck sitting and staring at his blackened phone screen.
He doesn't even react when Eddie approaches. Eddie doesn't sit down, he just stands there.

He wanted to see Buck but now what?

"Hey, you okay?"
Buck startles. He must have not noticed Eddie come up to him. He gives Eddie a look that can only be described as "deer caught in headlights" which Eddie finds privately very hilarious.

They stare at each other in silence before Eddie takes mercy on him and repeats his question.

Buck averts his eyes, the spell broken. "Uh yeah.. yeah. Just. That was a heavy case."

Eddie switches his weight from one foot to the next. "Yeah.” he agrees.

It's awkward. Of course it is. They just watched a woman break down after losing her best friend.

"Do you think Nora will be okay?" Buck looks at him again. Desperation written all over his face.

Eddie's instinct is to say yes and give Buck some hope. But honestly?

When Eddie lost Shannon it took him years to be okay. She had been his wife and she had been his best friend once. So yes, while it took years he was okay in the end.

But Eddie feels like there is a crucial difference here. Nora had said she can't do this without Liz and Eddie never needed to ask what this was supposed to be because he had intrinsically understood it meant everything.

From waking up in the morning, to doing every day tasks to going to work and then to go to sleep. Eddie had never felt that with Shannon. He has with Buck.

He is living through a watered down version of it right now and is already struggling.

Another thing is the regrets.

It's what has stuck Eddie in his grief for so long. The what ifs and the unspoken words.

Eddie hadn't understood Shannon until the very end and he has been looking for answers ever since. Nora never confessed her feelings. There is now not only the regret of never telling but also of never knowing what would have happened if she had. Would they have gone out? Gotten married? Or would they have broken up?

The not knowing is what eats you alive. He can sympathize not only on that with Nora though.

Buck was not there to hear it but Nora called Liz the love of her life and that too is something Eddie can relate to.

Their circumstances for not confessing might be different but Eddie thinks even if he wasn't such a screw up he would have been too scared to confess. It's better to have Buck in some capacity than none in his life.

Taking a leap of faith is something that requires a lot of courage and Eddie is a coward.

Looking into Bucks desperate eyes he wants to tell them it's gonna be okay, that she is gonna be okay.

But Eddie knows if he were to lose Buck, be it today or in 50 years he would be plagued by the same things Nora is now and he'd never be okay again.

"I don't know." He tells him softly and Buck's face crumbles.

Eddie is about to reach for him before he thinks better of it and keeps his hands to himself.
He thinks if he touches Buck now he will never let go and they're still on shift until the morning.

Not to forget that Eddie can't actually hold him forever. But that's a thought spiral he has scheduled for later during the night. At least therapy is working, he is aware of his feelings like never before and can compartmentalize.

Buck seems to go through some sort of turmoil himself. His eyes move around before he seems to have decided on a course of action.

"Eddie.." he chokes out.

The thing is, Eddie knows Buck loves him.

He can't be a 100% sure the love Buck has for him is the same love he has for him, but after going through their whole relationship in his mind, especially with Texas and everything he thinks it's a likely possibility. But a possibility is never certainty.

He wonders if Nora and Liz had this kind of tension between them too. If Liz loved Nora and was too afraid to confess too.

Eddie thinks that that's very likely.
Liz should have died instantly after impact, the fact that she didn't was a miracle on its own... The fact that she woke up even briefly was more so.

She needed to make sure Nora was okay before she let go and that is something else that will be haunting him about this case, probably forever.

Either way, it suddenly feels like a real possibility that Buck might say something that neither of them can take back and Eddie is a coward and Eddie has a promise to keep so he has to stop him.

He is getting ready to give some excuse to go back down inside when his mouth decides again that it will not comply and he blurts out "Come over tonight." instead.

Buck looks startled enough that at least his current train of thought is interrupted. So it's not a full disaster yet.

"Okay."

Eddie knows all he did was reschedule this problem until later and that he needs to find a solution soon.

"Cool." Eddie says and basically abandons Buck on the roof.

He doesn't know what he should do.

Should he tell Buck? No way. He can't risk it. Christopher comes first.

Buck would understand if he told him. He is the only other person who puts Christopher before him as well.

But Eddie is ashamed. Not of his feelings but the fact that his own son has this little trust in him.

He might even try to convince Christopher and then they'll date and then Eddie will fuck it up and Chris will move to college and never speak to him again.

The rest of the cases during their shift are less tragic but Nora and Liz hang above them like a dark cloud. The only silver lining is that no one really talks much, so the tension Eddie has created between Buck and him is not picked up on by their team.

"Get home safe, hug your loved ones tight and get some sleep." Chim says as he dismisses them. Eddie glances at Buck and looks away before their eyes can meet.

What was he thinking, inviting Buck over?

Eddie had a chance to back out multiple times after his invitation. During the whole remainder of their shift Buck looked like he expected the invitation to be rescinded himself.

Even now he could go up to Buck and make some excuse to back out of it and Buck would accept.

But Eddie is exhausted. Not just from today but from the last two weeks.

He doesn't want to talk, he doesn't want Buck to talk, he just wants Buck to be close to him at least for a little while so he can pretend or even recharge his batteries before they go back to the status quo.

It's the same kind of selfish and shameless he has always been about Buck. Eddie wonders when Buck will stop indulging him and hopes he never has to find out.

He walks past by Buck, eyes fixated on his feet and quickly mumbles "See you at home" as a last confirmation before fleeing to his car.

He has told Christopher that he invited Buck home but he didn't expect Christopher to be up when they reached the house. He honestly thought the lights meant his son has just forgotten to turn them off before going to sleep. But Christopher was waiting for them at the dining table with an assortment of breakfast sandwiches and coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

Eddie looked bit dumbfounded and when Buck entered behind him he was just as surprised. "Oh Chris! What are you doing up?"

"Dad said you guys had a hard shift." He gave as an explanation and looked them over.

Eddie's brain was still playing catch up but Buck was quick on the uptake. He raises his hands and turned around in a full circle. "No injuries."

Christopher seems satisfied and nods. "I ordered breakfast. Thought you could use the comfort of Dunkins."

Eddie snaps out of it finally and goes to sit down. "You mean, you were craving junk and just want to have us as accomplices."

Christopher shrugged. "Is it not working?" He grins.

It is because Buck is diving right in. Not that Eddie himself is not enjoying it. He hadn't realized how hungry he had been until then.

"So, do you guys want to talk about it?" Christopher asks. He is going for casual but his concern is palpable.

Buck and Eddie glance at each other a bit unsure how to proceed. Chris picks up on that and continues.

"It's just, dad rarely admits when a shift was hard."

Eddie feels like Christopher is playing unfair but he was also more upset at Eddie hiding his near death experiences and injuries than the Will so Eddie feels like he has no choice but to give in.

Buck is also waiting for him to make a move it seems. Ever since he has moved out he has stopped leading the emotional part of conversations as a way to give the reign back to Eddie.

Eddie is grateful in a way. Frank and Dr. Yang both obviously were of the opinion that Eddie needed to parent on his own again and maybe they're right but deep down he resented the fact that Buck backed off. As if his role in Christopher's life was just temporary or on a Break-Glass in case of emergency basis.

Before he would have never noticed the back and forth Buck has done for them but now that he is aware of his feelings and their dynamic he wants to scream and shake Buck and tell him there are no boundaries for him between the three of them.

But he has nothing to back it up. He can't offer him a different status in their relationship. And he is already taking more than he should be allowed anyway.

Doesn't mean he can't have feelings about it.

"There was a stone fall on a hiking trail and two friends got caught in it when their trail collapsed. We couldn't safe one of them and it has left all of us pretty shaken." Eddie explains.

"Oh, did she fall down the mountain?"

"No she..." Eddie glances at Buck who is resolutely looking at his coffee. "Her friend held onto her until we arrived. But even then there was nothing we could have done. She had a brain bleed after getting hit by a stone on the head. We had to pronounce her dead at the scene. Her friend ... Her friend didn't take it so well."

Christopher glances at him as if he suddenly understands what all this was about. Eddie holds his gaze because what's the point of hiding and denying it anymore?

"It was so unfair." Bucks voice cuts through their staring contest. "She held on for dear life but it didn't matter in the end at all."

And that was the crux of the issue wasn't it? Nora has done everything in her power and it still wasn't enough.

Nora will probably never be able to use her arm the same again after exerting it the way she had. It will probably serve as a reminder of this day until she dies. Not that Eddie thinks Nora will ever forget this day either way.

It's the day she lost Liz. The love of her life.

"It was hard on all of us." Eddie explains further never taking his eyes off Christopher. "Chimney even took us offline for a while. I didn't think any one of us should be alone after today." He hopes Christopher knows he won't break his promise but at least will let him have this. He tries to convey as much to him.

From the corner of his eyes he sees Buck's expression get lost in his own thoughts. He doesn't seem to notice the silent conversation they are having.

Chris is the first one to break eye contact. He grabs his phone from the table and flicks it open. After scrolling through something or the other he yawns. "I'm gonna go back to sleep. I'm meeting up with JJ later for our presentation." He avoids any more eye contact with Eddie and goes to his room leaving Buck and Eddie alone.

Eddie still feels unprepared, but at least him and Christopher are okay for the time being it seems. "Let's get to bed too I'm beat."

Buck startles out of his thoughts. "Eh... Yeah, sure."

Eddie still is unsure what to say or if he should even say anything. Maybe they'll just crash on the bed and this thing between them will be postponed until further notice.

The decision is taken out of his hands because while Eddie is still contemplating what to do Buck grabs his arm the moment the bedroom door shuts close. Eddie turns to him and is met with Bucks scared and desperate expression.

"Eddie." He chokes out. His eyes are big and wet and Eddie wants nothing more than to wrap him in his arms and chase this expression away. But he can't really do that, at least in the way he wants to do.

All he can do is remain frozen on the spot.

Bucks other hand comes to hold onto the same arm. "I don't... I won't survive losing you."

He says it with such conviction that Eddie's resolve crumbles.

He pulls Buck close into a bone crushing hug. Buck collapses on him.
"I can still hear her screams." He sobs.

Eddie wants to reassure him so much. Tell him he feels the same way. That he is haunted by her screams too, that they won't end up like them. But Eddie can't even open his mouth. He's scared that the moment he starts speaking he will unravel and reveal everything.

He hugs Buck tighter and hopes he can convey his feelings this way.

It takes a while for Buck to calm down. And when he lifts his head he kisses Eddie.

Eddie could have easily pulled away before it happened. There was a moment, a fraction of a second really, but nonetheless there was a moment when Buck lifted his head where their eyes met and whatever Buck saw in his is what gave him the courage to take the leap of faith and kiss him.

It makes sense in retrospect that it would be Buck who makes the first move. For all of his insecurities and fears Buck has always been the most courageous person he knows after Christopher. And Eddie loves him like no other for that.

When their lips touch Eddie's brain short circuits. He is not in control of his actions anymore. He buries his hands in Buck's curls and kisses him back ferociously.

It's all he ever wanted and it's a dream.

Before he can fully lose himself he puts his hands on Bucks shoulders and pulls away.

It takes everything he has in him to do so. "We can't." He chokes out.

Buck stares at him wide eyed and hurt before anger settles on his face and Eddie knows the jig is up.

Buck pulls away from him and takes a step back. "What the fuck, Eddie?"

Eddie can't give him any answer. He just stands there useless.

It makes Buck even more angry. "What the fuck." He repeats. "I'm not crazy. I'm not imagining things. You're the one that invited me back here. I-" new tears start to run down his face. "What am I even doing here, Eddie?" he asks.

Eddie can feel tears rise up himself. He looks up in order to stop them from coming and tries to take a deep breath but his lungs won't expand.

Buck gives Eddie a moment to respond. When he realizes Eddie has no arguments or comebacks for him he scoffs. "Fuck you!"

Eddie got greedy and fucked up. He thought he could balance on the edge of the sword. He slipped and cut himself open.

He has been taking bites here and there but never going for the full meal. Now he has bit off more than he can chew and he is choking.

Meanwhile Buck just shakes his head and turns around to leave.

Buck's movement sends a shock through his body. Eddie's body moves without permission set on by panic as he grabs Buck to stop him from leaving. "Please." He begs.

He doesn't know what he is begging for.

Buck tries to pull away but Eddie holds onto him. He needs him to understand. "I -" But how could he when Eddie can't bring himself to say any of it out loud?
"It's not that I don't want to. I just can't."

Of course this doesn't satisfy Buck. He manages to pull away. Before Eddie can even react he is out the bedroom door and a moment later out of the house completely.

Eddie doesn't follow. He sinks to the ground and buries his face in his hands. When he hears the jeep pull away he finally lets the tears come.

What has he done? He has basically rejected Buck and broke his heart. He made him think Eddie didn't love him.

It was the last thing Eddie had wanted Buck to ever feel and here he was doing just that because he is a screw up and a coward.

They might never recover from this and it will be all Eddie's fault.

--

Buck doesn't call. Of course he doesn't.

Eddie let himself take exactly one day of wallowing in his misery.

Chris had been gone when Eddie reemerges from the bedroom. Eddie's first act had been to get rid of breakfast. Then he ordered dinner for Chris, pretended he already ate and went back to hiding under the blankets.

He would have continued to do so but there is only so much self wallowing one can do with a child at home.

When the weekend comes around still on their day off he tentatively asks Christopher to check in with Buck about breakfast.

Christopher texts Buck and immediately gets a response. Eddie tries not to think too much about that.

"Oh, he's not coming. Apparently Baby Nash is sick and he is helping out Maddie." Christopher frowns, clearly displeased at being put aside in favor of Buck's nephew.

His only saving grace is that apparently Christopher didn't hear them and doesn't suspect a thing.

Eddie turns towards the cupboards, busying himself so Christopher doesn't see his expression. He tries to sound as casual as possible and hopes it will work. "Hey now, next time ask to go along and let baby Nash vomit on you."

"Ew, no thanks."

It does.

---

They avoid each other like the plague at work.

Eddie sees the looks Hen and Ravi throw their ways but their shift has just started so they don't approach him yet.

Eddie's plan was to hide by the ambulance and do inventory, over and over again if he had to but he gets interrupted pretty much from the very beginning.

It's surprisingly Chimney who confronts him about it. "Care to explain why Buck has been sleeping on my couch for the past 3 days even though he has a perfectly new and shiny home to return to?"

So at least Buck didn't lie to Chris. He has been at Maddie's. He's glad he supposes that Buck isn't alone at least.

Chim sounds pissed though. Maybe he knows. Maybe he is just annoyed Buck's been at his house for so long. Maybe he is just worried for his little brother.

Either way, Eddie doesn't have an answer for him either.

He wants to tell someone other than his therapist what is happening. He wants to confide in his friends like a normal human being.

But his friends are Buck's friends too and Eddie just in general doesn't want to admit to anyone that his son is terrified of him fucking up a relationship because that's all he is used to from Eddie.

Chimney gives him a once-over when he doesn't answer and whatever he sees makes him deflate pretty quickly. "You look like crap. Have you not been sleeping?"

Eddie wants to laugh because he has not been sleeping properly for the past two weeks. In the last 3 days though? It's basically been all what Eddie has been doing. "I'm fine." He deflects and grabs the inventory list and turns around. "Won't affect work, Cap."

Chimney stands there for a moment longer before mumbling underneath his breath and leaving him to it.

When Hen joins him later, she doesn't mention anything but she keeps watching him like he is a ticking time bomb ready to go off.

He doesn't. He keeps it all inside.

All the therapy in the world and he still reverts to his usual coping mechanism.

And they let him.

And just like last time the one person who would call him out on it, he is not talking to at the moment. Frank would have a field day.

If he went to therapy that is.

He cancels his next appointment. Chim who is privy to his schedule questions him about it.

"Frank's on holiday." He lies. Chimney gives him the same kind of look Hen's been giving him.

They don't know how to talk to him, none of them do. But Chimney is Captain now so he can't just let it go.
"See to it that you go next week."
"Yes, Cap."

He knows he can't dodge therapy forever. But he just needs bit more time.

Going through the events of the last week still feels too raw to touch. Let alone the 'homework' Frank had assigned to him.

Was he regretting his realization of his feelings?

Short answer is yes. If he had stayed oblivious to it, Christopher wouldn't have had a breakdown over it and then they might have continued their awkward song and dance for a while longer, maybe forever.

The long answer though... He now knows how it is to kiss Buck.

And he has to admit to himself if not now it was only a matter of time before it happened anyway. It has always been there underneath the surface.

All in all he is lucky that work hasn't been eventful these last few shifts and Eddie is getting comfortable falling through the cracks.

---

It all comes crashing down incidentally on a Thursday.

He hadn't even thought about it because he hadn't been involved in that particular hobby for years.

Eddie had been cooking dinner when Christopher comes storming inside the house, startling him and screaming at him. "What did you do?!"

"What are you talking about?"

Christopher looks furious. "Buck blew me off for tonight. It's the semi finals!"

Eddies confusion must be written on his face. "The Combative robot tournament!" He explains frustrated.

Ah. Well. "Buck needs bit time. Give that to him, please. I'll talk to him though." He placates.

That wasn't enough for Christopher. He stomps his crutch on the floor. "What did you do, dad?! He hasn't been around for breakfast also!"

Christopher, like him, has a tendency to react with anger when he is sad and hurt. And usually Eddie can take it. Or at least internalize it because he is to blame most of the time.

But this? Eddie has been doing everything in his power to make Christopher happy and comfortable to his own detriment. To Bucks detriment.

He is tired and sad and lonely and he just explodes.

"I didn't do anything! I thought that was the point?! He kissed me and I rejected him! I broke his heart, wasn't that what you wanted?!"

Christopher jumps a little, startled. Eddie has never yelled at him before.

And he wished he could take it back immediately.

Christopher's eyes fill with tears and for a split second Eddie's mind shows him an image of Buck, eyes filling with tears the same way in front of him.

Great, he has now hurt both Buck and Christopher.

Christopher like Buck turns to leave and Eddie stand frozen on his spot.

Eddie couldn't go after Buck, but he will be damned if he lets Christopher go. Again.

All of this would be for naught otherwise.

He runs after him. Christopher is at the curb, phone in hand. Eddie sees the Uber app open.

"You can't go to Buck's. He's at Maddie's." He tells Chris calmly.

Even though he has avoided Buck he still kept tabs on him. Of course he did. There isn't a world in where Eddie will not do that even if they never speak again.

Christopher glares at him. "Then I'll just drive around."

Eddie tentatively puts his hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry for lashing out. Let's get back inside and talk about this. We said no more running away. "

Christopher shrugs him off. "Buck did it so why can't I?!"

Eddie flinches. "That's unfair and you know it." He puts his hands back on Christopher's shoulders and turns him. "We have never given him a real reason to stay with us. We've never given him an official title, either one of us."

Christopher deflates but still avoids his gaze.

"Come on, Chris. Let's get inside and talk." He tries again.

Chris rubs away some tears with his arm and nods reluctantly.

Inside Eddie's makes them tea. Both him and Christopher hold their tea cups for comfort instead of drinking it.

"This isn't what I wanted." Christopher admits.

"I know." Eddie stares into his cup.

"How long have you ... Buck kissed you, you said?"

Eddie closes his eyes. He can feel the ghost of Bucks lips on his. "Yes."

"How long have you been... Is Buck in love with you, too?"

Their kiss had been the culmination of their entire relationship desperately squished into one moment. Both willing the other to understand without words.

Buck hadn't said I love you, and neither did Eddie. But that was what it was all the same. He understood it even before their lips had met.

"That was the first time. We've never... I didn't break my promise to you."

Christopher shrinks more into himself and holds his tea for dear life. "How long have you been in love with Buck?" He asks again.

And wasn't that just the question of the century? Eddie sighs. "I don't really know. For years. Maybe since the very beginning."

"So when you were dating Ana and Marisol...?" Chris finally looks at him.

Eddie sighs again. "Yeah. I thinks so."

"And when Mom...when Mom was still alive?" He doesn't look away.

Eddie can't keep his gaze and closes his eyes. He pictures Shannon at their last happy moment together. At the beach when Eddie thought they'd be a family again and Shannon told him she could be pregnant.

But it wasn't really a happy memory was it? He had panicked the same way he had panicked the first time she had told him that.

He thought he had learned from his mistakes and that he would do better this time round but Shannon had been less blind to things than he had been. And she too had always been more courageous than him.

Their relationship had been doomed from the start. All Eddie did during that relationship was run away and leave Shannon to fend for herself because he couldn't face her.

"It's complicated." He settles on.

"You were friends with Mom too. What is different about Buck?" Christopher presses.

They had talked a little bit during family therapy about Shannon and his relationship. How they had been young and how they were going to get a divorce before her accident. But they never went into details because other things had been more pressing, like his own relationship with his parents and how his unresolved issues about the divorce caused him to spiral and get involved with Kim.

They've never talked about the unresolved issues themselves.

"Your mother and I... I know she left, but I had abandoned her first, you know?" He starts. "You know how I enlisted before you were even born? And then I did again right after?"

Christopher nods.

"I think subconsciously I was running away from her because..." Eddie takes a deep breath. "I loved your mother, you have to believe that. But it wasn't.... It wasn't really enough. Now in hindsight I ran away from getting into a more serious relationship with Shannon the same way I did with Ana and Marisol. It was just easier to pretend I was doing it out of duty. But Shannon had seen through me very early on and she fought me on it, she fought for us and I just abandoned her. I believed that when we reconciled in LA things would be different but Shannon didn't agree. And she was right not to. We were never compatible in that way and trying to pretend otherwise just hurt both of us in the end."

"And you are with Buck?" Christopher presses again.

"I hope so." Eddie sighs. "Chris, the love I have for Buck... It's different. It's different to what I've felt for anyone before. Your mother was my friend, even my best friend at the time but... It's just different. The way we have each other's backs... The way I want to have his back always. I don't think I could ever abandon Buck the way I abandoned your mother. I just couldn't."

Chris doesn't say anything to that. And what could he, Eddie just told him basically he has never loved his mother in the way he loves Buck.

No matter how much Christopher loves Buck, Shannon is his mother. It's a hole Eddie thought he had to fill for him with women who fit the mold.

And each and every time it backfired ironically for the same reason his relationship with Shannon had failed. Because he himself was never fully in it.
It's a hard pill to swallow for Eddie, he can't imagine how hard it must be for Christopher.

After a while Christopher sighs himself and squirms uncomfortably. "It's not like I didn't know our relationship with Buck isn't weird. But I ignored it until Dr. Yang questioned it so openly."

Eddie can't help himself, he laughs. "Bud, my therapy sessions these last few months have basically been all about how Frank thought I was too dependent on Buck and still it took me this long to figure out my feelings."

"Why do you think that is?" Chris looks at him again.

Eddie looks into his untouched tea cup. "I think I was scared. If I defined it, it would become real."

"I'm scared, too." Chris admits quietly. "When Dr. Yang asked what our relationship with Buck was I couldn't really answer. I just know I can't lose him, Dad. He is too important."

Eddie gives him a small smile. "I know."

Chris marches on. "What if you guys break up? He is already not talking to me now. What if you guys break up and I never get to see him again?"

For a moment he sees Christopher not as the teen he is now but the 7 year old wide eyed boy he was when they had moved here. The boy who believed in magic and miracles who believed his mother had been a Christmas present.

The boy who soon later was told his mother would never return again and that there is no miracles. The boy who had nightmares about his mother's death even after almost dying himself.

The boy who believed in superheros and miracles again because of Buck.

Eddie thinks he isn't the only one who would not survive losing Buck.

"I can't guarantee that if we get together we will never break up, that's not how life works. But you know Buck loves you, he'd never fully abandon you. He might take a while to lick his wounds like he is right now but he always comes back to you."

"I know." Chris grumbles. Then he gets nervous again and avoids Eddies eyes. "I'm sorry. I want you to be happy, Dad. But all I did was make you miserable."

Eddie gets up immediately and gives his son a hug. "Hey, now. Don't apologize. You'll always come first. I'm sorry I yelled."

Christopher accepts the hug graciously for a total of 5 seconds before pushing him away. "You think Buck is mad at me for being the reason you rejected him?"

"Buck doesn't know."

Christopher groans. "Oh my God, Daaaad. Communication is the most important part of a relationship! You have to stop keeping things from people!"

Eddie feels thoroughly admonished. He can't really tell Christopher how ashamed he was of himself the whole time. He still thinks Christopher was right, but he is glad they have talked things through a bit more properly.

He feels lighter than he had in years and feels hopeful enough to ask. "So you'd be okay if we started dating?"

Christopher squints at him and suddenly there is a mischievous glint in his eyes that Eddie hasn't seen directed at him in over a year. Eddies heart skips a beat at that.
"You know what? I think you've been dating already for years already. Maybe it's time to pop the question."

Eddie laughs and hugs him again. This time Christopher pats him on his back. "I'm glad we talked, Dad."

"Me too, mijo. Me too."

Eddie thought that was it for today. They eat dinner, Eddie goes to take a long shower and he plans on immediately going to bed to digest the days events and make a proper plan on how to approach Buck.

But Christopher has had other ideas. When Eddie gets out of the shower and goes to his room to say goodnight the teen is nowhere to be found.

Panic sets in immediately before he remembers their talk and their reconciliation.

Christopher did not run away most likely. He probably went off on his own to ... "Buck.”

Before his brain can catch up Eddie is already on the phone calling Buck.

He doesn't even have time to question if Buck will even pick up, when Buck's voice comes through the speakers.

"He's here. I'll bring him home "

Eddie breathes. "Okay."
Before he can say goodbye Buck cancels the call.

He's gonna kill his son.

But first Eddie needs a game plan.

He thought he had more time but now Buck is coming over and Eddie feels massively unprepared.

He paces around the house.

If anyone had asked him years ago, he would have never said he was an anxious person.

But it has always been there.

In the need to be the perfect son, the perfect husband, the perfect soldier, the perfect father. It just had never manifested itself in the way it has since he started getting panic attacks.

And at the moment he feels like he is close to one.

He doesn't know what Chris will tell him. Maybe he will tell him the truth, maybe he won't tell him anything. Either way Buck will be here and Eddie can't let this chance go.

So what should he do?

Confess for starters.

Eddie is 99.99% certain that Buck loves him too and if Eddie knows him even just a fraction it's that he will try to confess first.

After everything they've been through, after everything Eddie put him through, Eddie needs to be one to confess first.

If he wants to be together with Buck that starts with being a better friend to him that starts by being less of a coward.

But confessing alone won't be enough.

Love sometimes just isn't enough. Even the kind that threatened to swallow you whole.

If it had been they wouldn't even be in this situation.

Okay, so he has to confess first. And then what ?

Be honest with him.

Not just about what happened but what he means to him. All of it. Eddie needs Buck to understand that this is it for Eddie.

Eddie comes to a stop at the dining table and sits down.

He wants Buck to understand just how special he is.

It's Buck. It's Buck and no one else and he needs to prove that he'll put in the work for them.

They'll be here soon. He can do this.