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“Hey, you still with me?”
Eddie is startled out of…wherever she just went inside her head. Some place free from croc justice, racial discrimination, and murder most likely.
“Yeah, yeah,” they mumble, eyes refocusing on the back of Dulcie’s head as Cath leads her to sit on the diving board. If everything weren’t so fucked, Eddie figures there was a joke about muff diving in there. She doesn’t care to figure it out.
“Okay, so you gonna answer my question or…?” Miki’s concerned presence is in front of her. Eddie can’t quite sort out the expression on her face. They can’t quite focus on Miki enough to decipher it, but as always they notice the deep brown of Miki’s eyes. As always.
“Um, just did? Are you still with me?” she retorts. Or someone does. Probably her AutoPilot. That guy has had years of practice running Eddie’s body while Eddie sits…somewhere else. In a place of discomfort.
Eddie remembers getting to their feet in a school playground, surrounded by unkindness. Absorbing the slurs being thrown at them. Watching herself from above as she realizes that sometimes it’s safer to be somewhere else. To just not be there. It was all fine that way, because she wasn’t there anymore was she?
Miki is shaking her head in exasperation. Balls. They’d left again hadn’t they?
With great effort, Eddie hauls herself back to earth.
“Ehhmm..but ya know…if I possibly hadn’t heard your question…what was it again?”
“I said,” Miki emphasizes slowly and calmly. “Are you okay?”
Shit question that is, because when it’s asked, it’s always clear that no one is okay. But the purpose is to make the questioner feel better and reassured that the questionee (questionos?) is not their problem to take care of. Eddie is prepared to puff her chest up and show just how okay she is. Can’t have Miki thinking they’re a mess, despite all that talk of not binning people.
But then someone’s hands are pushing sweaty strands of hair back up out of her face and someone’s hands are touching her face so very gently.
And Eddie is suddenly very much there, in their body. And Miki is there, holding Eddie’s face as if it is something precious. Like Eddie deserves someone’s hands holding them with such care.
She sinks into Miki’s hands. Just a little bit. Leaning into the gentleness. Eyes closing. Probably looks stupid, standing here having feelings while someone holds their face with both hands. Feels nice though.
Feels like something they’d been missing. For a long time.
A child’s hands pulling her hair back, ever so precisely adding multiple tiny butterfly clips. Cath’s hands pulling their hair out of their face and rubbing their back that one time they’d outdone themself and hurled outside the RV. And then…then what?
A vague sense of someone sweetly touching her cheek after a frantic, drunken mess in the women’s bathroom stall in uni.
The sensation of her mother sitting beside her after a nightmare. Brushing tears, kissing their forehead. Maybe tucking them carefully back into bed. They think. Maybe they made that one up.
Miki’s thumbs are now gently running across Eddie’s cheeks, swiping at something. Tears. Oh, she’s crying. And she’s holding onto Miki’s forearms, almost desperately.
Miki is gently speaking now, the low hum of calming words not quite registering to Eddie. They can’t make out the words. It just feels like care.
“I’m trying to keep you.”
Unknown minutes have passed while Eddie has soaked up as much gentleness and sweetness and affection from Miki’s hands as possible. At some point she might realize that Eddie wasn’t someone who deserved large, strong hands handling them with such delicate attention. But until then, Eddie would savour every moment of calloused fingers cupping their jaw.
Standing there in the darkness, somehow the world comes crashing back.
Eddie can hear Miki now. Softly repeating the same phrases.
“I’m right here. I’ve got you yeah? Not going anywhere. I got you.”
Eddie lifts their head, blinking as if waking up from some bizarre nap. Miki is there, looking at them so softly. She doesn’t move her hands.
“There you are,” Miki says. It looks like maybe Miki had been crying too.
“There you are,” Eddie croaks back, brain not entirely on line. She knows that she just parroted Miki’s line back to her. They should add something else to not seem like a total jackass. “Thank fuck.” Nailed it.
Miki breaks into a soft laugh and brings Eddie into a tight hug.
Fucking Christ, if Eddie’s been missing out on gentle touch, they’ve been fucking starved of hugs like this. She thinks it might be too much right now. The duct tape holding the shards together is one millisecond away from giving up. Eddie can’t shatter right now. Dulcie needs them.
Eddie takes a moment, pressing their face into Miki’s shirt. She smells slightly of sweat and sunscreen. It’s divine.
“I’m good,” they murmur, gently pulling back. Miki lets them go partially, holding Eddie at arms length.
They both look over at Dulcie and Cath. Cath is talking to a police officer, one arm around Dulcie. Dulcie is staring at nothing, tears silently running down her face. Eddie has never seen her like this.
“Will she be okay?” Miki asks, concerned.
Eddie doesn’t think Dulcie has blinked since they’ve looked over. Dulcie has maybe also learned, at some point in life, that sometimes it’s safer to not be there. She needs someone to help her keep being Here. Eddie really doesn't want her to try and go Somewhere Else.
“I don’t know,” she replies honestly. “But I’ve gotta go and…”
Miki nods. Her hands are on Eddie’s upper arms now, thumbs rubbing up and down. God it’s like Eddie can feel their bones waking up. Like they hadn’t realized that some part of them had been languishing without physical affection. Some long dead piece of them, suddenly being given fuel.
“I’m going to get the living room ready,” Miki says. At Eddie’s confused look, she adds “Don’t think you’re going to be back in the RV tonight.”
Ah. Right. Crime scene.
Miki is continuing. “I’ll get the kids to get every camping mat, air mattress, and extra cushion we have. My floor is your floor.”
Eddie nods, clearing her throat. “Thanks.” She looks down at Miki’s hands, still on her arms.
“Right,” Miki says slightly too loudly, pulling her hands back. “I’m just gonna…I’ll just…” she attempts, pointing in the direction of the house.
Fuck it.
Eddie leans forward, their own hand coming up to gently cup Miki’s cheek, and kisses her gently.
It’s not like the kind of first kiss Eddie has had with the guys in her life. There’s no frenetic energy, no aggression. It’s just warm and soft. What some might call chaste. Doesn’t feel chaste though. It feels like intention.
“I’m trying to keep you.”