Work Text:
I. In the Beginning, There Was Flour and Water
SHANE HOLLANDER, center, Ottawa Centaurs; Gerald's owner: Gerald was started on September 14th, 2009, at approximately 4:30 in the afternoon. I used a combination of organic rye flour and filtered water at 78 degrees Fahrenheit. The ambient kitchen temperature was 71 degrees, which is within the acceptable range for initial fermentation, though the lower end. I kept detailed notes. I still have them.
[He showed me the notes. They are in a composition notebook, written in small, precise handwriting. The first entry reads: "Day 1. Mixed 50g rye flour + 50g water (78°F). Covered with cloth. Placed on counter away from direct sunlight. No activity yet. Expected." There are years of entries. The notebook is the third volume.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: I don't understand the question. Why wouldn't I keep notes?
CAROL MACINTYRE, Shane's billet mother, Rimouski: Oh, Gerald. Yes. I remember Gerald being born, if that's the right word. Shane would say it isn't. Shane would say something about bacterial colonization. But I was there, so I'm going to say born.
Shane was seventeen. He was the quietest billet I ever had, and I've had eleven boys over the years. Most of them, you can't get them out of the basement — they're playing video games, they're on their phones. Shane was in my kitchen at midnight measuring flour on a digital scale he'd brought from home. He'd brought his own scale. At seventeen.
I came downstairs because I heard the timer going off— he'd set a timer for the feedings — and he was sitting at the kitchen table in his pajamas, watching the jar. Just watching it. I said, "Shane, honey, what are you doing?" and he said, "Waiting for bubbles." Like that was a perfectly normal thing to be doing at midnight on a Tuesday.
SHANE HOLLANDER: It is a perfectly normal thing to be doing. Observing early-stage fermentation is critical to understanding the health of the culture. You can't start a sourdough culture and walk away. That's how you get mold.
CAROL MACINTYRE: The first loaf he made was — I mean, it was extraordinary. I've been baking for thirty years and this seventeen-year-old boy made a better sourdough than I'd ever tasted. I told him that. He said, "Thank you, the crumb structure could be more open, but I think that's a hydration issue I can correct."
He used to leave a loaf on the counter every Sunday. Never said anything about it. It was just there, wrapped in a clean towel, still warm. Every Sunday for two years. My husband said it was the best bread he'd ever eaten. Shane said, "The oven runs ten degrees hot. I've been compensating, but a calibration would improve consistency."
That was the closest he got to asking for something. An oven calibration. We got it calibrated. The bread got even better.
HAYDEN PIKE, left wing, Montreal Voyageurs: Okay, so. Gerald. Where do I even start.
I've known about Gerald since — what year did Shane get drafted? Because I've known about Gerald since approximately ten minutes after I met Shane Hollander, because that's how long it took before I knocked over his stuff in the locker room and a jar rolled out of his bag. A jar. In the locker room. And I said, "What the hell is that?" and Shane said — I'll never forget this — he said, "That's Gerald. Please be careful."
Not "that's my sourdough starter." Not "that's a jar of flour and water." That's Gerald. The way you'd say that's my kid.
I was right that it was going to be a whole thing.
II. Gerald Goes Public
ALEXANDRIA OUELLETTE, producer, Sportsnet: We were doing a behind-the-scenes series on the Voyageurs during their Cup run. Standard stuff — locker room access, practice footage, player profiles. I opened the team fridge for a B-roll shot and there was a jar in the back corner that was... moving. Bubbling. It was alive.
I said, "What the hell is that?" and Shane Hollander happened to be walking past and said, "That's my sourdough starter. His name is Gerald," with the exact tone you'd use to say that's my parking spot. Then he walked away.
SHANE HOLLANDER: I don't understand why that moment was notable. She asked a question. I answered it. That's how questions work.
ALEXANDRIA OUELLETTE: We obviously put it in the documentary. My editor called me and said, "Is this real?" and I said, "I have it on camera." He said, "This is going to be the only thing anyone remembers about this series." He was right.
[The clip has been viewed approximately 11 million times across platforms. The most common comment, in various forms, is: "He named his sourdough starter. He NAMED it."]
DAVE [last name withheld], equipment manager, Montreal Voyageurs; anonymous administrator of the @GeraldTheStarter Twitter account: I need you to understand I was not sober when I made the account.
It was the night the documentary aired. I was at home. I'd had — look, it's not important how many beers. Several beers. The clip went viral and I thought it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen because I'd been working with Shane for three years at that point and I'd been living with Gerald's existence the whole time. Like, I was the one who had to make sure nobody moved Gerald's shelf in the team fridge. That was an actual part of my job. Not officially, but Shane had mentioned it once, in that very calm, very specific Shane way, and when Shane Hollander mentions something once in that voice, you just... do it. Forever.
So I made the account. I tweeted: "Day 1,247. Fed at 6:00 AM and 6:00 PM. Feeling bubbly. Go Voyageurs." I thought maybe my buddies would see it and laugh.
Ten thousand followers by morning. I was still drunk.
SHANE HOLLANDER: I'm aware of the account. Ilya sent it to me.
[Long pause.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: Some of the information is inaccurate. Gerald's feeding times are 5:45 AM and 5:45 PM, not 6:00.
ILYA ROZANOV, center and captain, Boston Bears; Shane Hollander's partner: I send Shane the Twitter account and he texts me back — I still have this, look — he texts me: "The feeding times are wrong." Not "this is funny." Not "someone made a Twitter about my bread." The feeding times are wrong. I am on the floor. I am dying.
Then he text me: "Also, Gerald is not affiliated with the Voyageurs organization. He is personally owned."
[Rozanov showed me the exchange. It continues for fourteen messages, during which Hollander corrects three additional factual errors in the account's first tweet. Rozanov's responses are mostly crying-laughing emojis.]
ILYA ROZANOV: I tell him, "Shane, someone loves Gerald enough to make him a Twitter," and he says, "Gerald doesn't need Twitter. Gerald needs consistent feeding and stable temperature." This is the man I love. I chose this.
III. The Feeding Schedule
SHANE HOLLANDER: The schedule is straightforward. During the season, Gerald is fed every twelve hours — 5:45 AM and 5:45 PM. I use a 1:5:5 ratio of starter to flour to water by weight. The flour is King Arthur organic bread flour, it allows for consistency that you do not get with artisanal, locally sourced flour, even though that flour tends to have a better quality. The water is filtered and brought to 80 degrees Fahrenheit. I stir forty times counterclockwise —
[I asked why counterclockwise.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: Because that's how I've always done it.
[I asked if there was a scientific reason.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: No. But Gerald is accustomed to it. I don't see a reason to change.
ANNA CHEN, sports nutritionist, formerly contracted with the Montreal Voyageurs: I'm going to be very careful about what I say here because there is a confidentiality agreement in place regarding Shane's nutritional protocols.
[I asked if she could confirm whether the NDA was specifically about bread.]
ANNA CHEN: I can confirm that there is a confidentiality agreement in place regarding Shane's nutritional protocols.
[I asked again, more specifically, about bread.]
ANNA CHEN: I've been asked by three other NHL teams if I could share Shane's sourdough protocol. I cannot. That's all I'll say. Except — the bread is genuinely extraordinary. From a macronutrient and glycemic index standpoint, it is the most optimized homemade bread I have ever tested. I told him that once and he said, "I know." Just I know. And he was right to say that, because he did know.
COACH BRANDON WIEBE, head coach, Ottawa Centaurs: I learned very early not to schedule anything that conflicts with Gerald's feeding times.
[I asked for clarification.]
COACH WIEBE: I scheduled an optional morning skate at 5:30 AM once. Shane came to my office and explained, very calmly, very politely, that 5:30 would conflict with Gerald's 5:45 feeding and that the feeding could not be moved because Gerald's circadian rhythm — and yes, he said circadian rhythm about a jar of yeast — was calibrated to that specific time.
I have two options. I can argue with Shane Hollander about the circadian rhythm of bread, or I can move the skate to 6:15. He has two Hart Trophies. I moved the skate.
HAYDEN PIKE: Okay, the group chat. You want to know about the group chat.
So after the documentary aired and Gerald became, like, a public figure, Shane started sending updates. Not to the public. To us. His teammates. Unprompted. Just — your phone would buzz at 5:45 AM and it would be a photo of Gerald with a caption like "Day 2,847. Good bubble activity. Consistent rise." Every. Single. Day.
At first we thought it was funny. Then it kept happening. Someone — I think it was Bouchard — made a group chat called "Gerald Updates" so it wouldn't clog up other threads. That was four years ago. The chat has... hold on, let me check.
[Pike checked his phone.]
HAYDEN PIKE: Twelve hundred and forty-seven unread messages. I've muted it four times. Shane adds me back when I leave it. I don't think he knows what muting is. Or he knows and he doesn't care. Both are possible. Both are terrifying.
The worst part is I've started reading them. Like, last week I saw a photo and I thought, "Hmm, the rise looks a little sluggish, maybe the ambient temperature dropped." And then I thought, what has happened to me. What has this man done to my brain.
ILYA ROZANOV: I wake up at 5:45 every morning. Not because I want to. Because Shane's alarm goes at 5:45 and he gets up and goes to the kitchen and I hear him talking. Soft voice. Gentle. "Good morning, Gerald. How are you feeling today?" Sweet little voice. Like Gerald is a baby.
I am right there. In the bed. I get nothing. No soft voice. No "how are you feeling." I get "Ilya, your feet are on my side." That is my good morning.
[I asked if he was genuinely jealous of a sourdough starter.]
ILYA ROZANOV: I am thirty years old. I have won the Stanley Cup. I am not jealous of yeast.
[Long pause.]
ILYA ROZANOV: Gerald gets the soft voice. I want the soft voice.
[I relayed this to Hollander.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: Ilya gets a different voice. I don't see the issue.
[I asked what voice Ilya gets.]
[Hollander was quiet for six seconds.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: That's private.
IV. The Ice Storm Incident
SHANE HOLLANDER: I don't consider this an "incident." I responded to an emergency in a timely and appropriate manner.
HAYDEN PIKE: Oh God. The ice storm. Okay.
SHANE HOLLANDER: There was a significant ice storm in Montreal in January of 2019. The power went out in my building at approximately 11:30 PM. My immediate concern was Gerald, because the apartment temperature would drop below the acceptable fermentation range within two to three hours, and Gerald was in the middle of an active feed cycle. An interrupted feed cycle can destabilize the culture.
I assessed my options. I could not move Gerald to a neighbor's apartment because their power was also out. I could not use a portable heater because I didn't own one and the roads were dangerous. The only location I could guarantee had both power and stable temperature was the arena.
I drove to the arena.
ROBERT TREMBLAY, night security guard, Bell Center (Montreal): t was maybe 3 AM. The storm was — it was bad. Ice everywhere. Nobody should have been driving. I'm sitting at my desk and I see headlights in the parking lot, and I think, okay, who is crazy enough to be out in this.
The door opens. It's Shane Hollander. He's in pajama pants and a winter coat and he's holding a mason jar against his chest like a baby. Like he's protecting it. And he looks at me and says, "This is an emergency. I need access to the team kitchen."
Now, Shane Hollander does not look like a man who panics. I've seen him play Game 7. He looks the same now as he does on the ice — very calm, very focused, completely certain of what he's doing. So when Shane Hollander tells me it's an emergency at 3 AM while holding a jar, I believe him. What am I going to do, say no? He's Shane Hollander.
I let him in. He walked straight to the kitchen, put the jar in the fridge, checked the temperature, and wrote something in a small notebook. Then he said, "Thank you, Robert. I appreciate your help. Gerald will be safe here." And he left.
I didn't ask who Gerald was. I didn't want to know. I found out later it was bread. I think about that night a lot.
[I asked Tremblay if Hollander had driven safely given the road conditions.]
ROBERT TREMBLAY: His car had winter tires. I checked, because I was standing at the window watching him leave and I thought: if Shane Hollander dies driving home from saving bread, I'm going to have to explain this to someone, and nobody will believe me.
He had winter tires. Of course he had winter tires. He probably put them on in September.
J.J. BOIZIAU, right wing, Montreal Voyageurs: The next morning at practice, Shane told us Gerald was safe. That's the first any of us knew Gerald had been in danger. Hayden's face — I wish I had a photo.
We held a moment of silence.
[I asked who organized it.]
J.J. BOIZIAU: I'm not confirming that.
[It was Boiziau. Three other sources confirmed this.]
HAYDEN PIKE: I got a text at 3:15 AM that said "Gerald is safe." Just that. "Gerald is safe." I didn't know he was in danger. I didn't know there was a situation. I didn't sleep the rest of the night. Not because I was worried about the sourdough starter — I want to be very clear about that — but because the idea that Shane drove through an ice storm in his pajamas for a jar of yeast was so — I just needed to lie there and process it. As a concept.
V. Pierre
J.J. BOIZIAU: I don't want to talk about Pierre.
[Long pause.]
J.J. BOIZIAU: Okay. But I want it on the record that this is still a sensitive topic.
I was inspired by Gerald. I'm not ashamed of that. Gerald is an incredible culture and Shane is clearly doing something right and I thought: I can do that. I'm a capable adult. I can keep flour and water alive. Babies are alive and people keep those going, and babies are more complicated than flour and water.
I got the flour. I got a jar. I started the culture. I named him Pierre, because I'm Québécois and it felt right. And for the first five days, Pierre was beautiful. Bubbles everywhere. Great smell. I sent a photo to the group chat and Shane replied, "Initial activity is promising but not indicative of long-term viability. Days 7-10 are critical."
I thought that was pessimistic. I thought Shane was gatekeeping bread.
Pierre died on day fourteen.
SHANE HOLLANDER: The cause of death was multifactorial. Insufficient ambient temperature regulation, inconsistent feeding intervals, and — this is the critical one — J.J. used bleached all-purpose flour instead of unbleached bread flour. Bleached flour has reduced microbial activity. Pierre never had a chance.
[I asked if this assessment was perhaps blunt.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: It was accurate. Accuracy and bluntness are not the same thing.
J.J. BOIZIAU: Shane sent me a postmortem. A written postmortem. For a sourdough starter. It was two pages long, single-spaced, with headers. There was a section called "Timeline of Decline." There was a section called "Contributing Factors." There was a section called "Recommendations for Future Cultures." It had bullet points, and the bullet points had sub-bullets.
I cried. Not because of the postmortem. Because of Pierre. He was a good starter. He deserved better.
SHANE HOLLANDER: The postmortem was a courtesy. When something dies, you determine the cause so it doesn't happen again. That's science.
[I asked if he'd considered that a two-page postmortem for a sourdough starter might be excessive.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: I considered it. I rejected the consideration. Thoroughness is not a flaw.
J.J. BOIZIAU: You know what the worst part was? The postmortem was helpful. It was genuinely the most informative document I have ever read about sourdough, and I include actual cookbooks in that comparison. I learned more about bread from Shane's autopsy of my dead starter than I learned in ten years of my mémère teaching me to bake. I hate that. I hate that it was good.
HAYDEN PIKE: We signed a card. I did not organize the card. But someone got a sympathy card from the drugstore and passed it around the locker room and twenty-three grown men signed a condolence card for a jar of dead flour paste.
Shane's message said: "Pierre deserved better. My condolences. — S. Hollander." Like a formal letter.
J.J. BOIZIAU: I still have the card. It's in my locker. Next to the crochet penguin Shane made me in our rookie year.
[I asked if he ever attempted another starter.]
[Boiziau was quiet for eleven seconds.]
J.J. BOIZIAU: No. I'm not ready.
VI. The Trade
SHANE HOLLANDER: The trade was straightforward. I was traded from Montreal to Ottawa. Gerald came with me. I don't understand what's complicated about this.
FARAH JALALI, sports agent, Shane Hollander's representative: I'm going to be very careful about what I say here.
[I asked if Gerald's transportation was discussed during the trade process.]
FARAH JALALI: I can confirm that… certain logistical considerations regarding Shane's personal property were part of the transition discussion.
[I asked if "personal property" meant Gerald.]
FARAH JALALI: I can confirm that Gerald was among the personal items discussed.
[I asked if there was a clause in the trade paperwork about a sourdough starter.]
FARAH JALALI: I'm not going to comment on the specifics. What I will say is that Shane was very clear about his priorities during the transition, and we made sure all of his needs were met. All of them.
LUC THIBODEAU, defenseman, Ottawa Centaurs: Shane Hollander's first day in Ottawa. I'd been here four years. I was ready for the standard introduction — "Hey, good to be here, looking forward to the season."
Shane walked in, went straight to the team fridge, and put a mason jar on the top shelf. Then he turned around and said, "This is Gerald. Please don't touch him. He has a feeding schedule that I will post on the fridge. If you have questions, ask me directly. Don't guess."
Then he said, "I'm Shane. Nice to meet everyone."
In that order.
CONNER LaPOINTE, left wing, Ottawa Centaurs: My first day, I open the fridge looking for a Gatorade and there's a jar of something alive in there with a sticky note that says "GERALD — DO NOT TOUCH — FEEDING SCHEDULE ON DOOR — SEE HOLLANDER WITH QUESTIONS." And I thought: this is either a prank or I've been traded to a cult.
I asked Luc. Luc said, "Don't ask. Just don't touch the jar."
Thanks, Luc.
DAVE [equipment manager]: So the trade happened, right, and I'm sitting there in Montreal finding out from the news like everyone else, and my first thought — my very first thought — is not "oh no, we lost our best player." My first thought is "what do I do about the Twitter account."
Because I've been running @GeraldTheStarter for five years at this point. Five years. Two hundred thousand followers. A verified checkmark. I have a content calendar. I'm an equipment manager who has a content calendar for a sourdough starter's social media presence. This is my life.
And I'm a little emotional, right, because Shane's leaving and Gerald's leaving, and I'm on my phone and I tweet — without thinking, I just tweet: "Gerald is packing his bags."
Thirty seconds later my phone explodes. Because the trade hadn't been officially announced yet. I broke the story. The @GeraldTheStarter Twitter account broke an NHL trade deadline story. Sportsnet cited me. Sportsnet cited a sourdough starter's Twitter account as a source.
Shane texted me. He said, "The account should not be disseminating team-related news. Gerald is not affiliated with any organization's media relations department." And I said, "Shane, I don't think Gerald has a media relations department," and he said, "Exactly. So he shouldn't be breaking news."
He had a point. He always has a point. That's the thing about Shane.
CONNER LaPOINTE: I found out Shane Hollander was joining our team because of a sourdough starter's Twitter account. I want everyone to sit with that. I didn't even follow the account. My buddy sent me a screenshot and said, "Bro, is this real?" and Gerald had the actual journalists beat by a full half hour.
I should have known what I was getting into. Nobody warned me.
VII. The Flour Incident
[The following accounts describe an event that occurred approximately six weeks after Hollander joined the Ottawa Centaurs. All witnesses were interviewed separately. Their accounts have been arranged for clarity, though the event itself, by all descriptions, lacked any.]
CONNER LaPOINTE: I need you to understand that I didn't know.
LUC THIBODEAU: I saw the whole thing.
CONNER LaPOINTE: There's a shelf in the team kitchen — a little shelf above the fridge — and there's bags of flour on it. Just, like, bags of flour. Normal bags. And I was making a protein shake after practice and I wanted to add some — look, I saw a thing online about adding a tablespoon of flour to your shake for extra carbs. I know that sounds stupid. It sounded less stupid at the time.
So I grab one of the bags and I put a scoop in my shake and I'm about to blend it and Shane walks in.
SHANE HOLLANDER: I recognized the bag immediately. It was the King Arthur organic bread flour. Gerald's flour. There is a label on that bag. The label says "GERALD — DO NOT USE." The label is in red ink.
CONNER LaPOINTE: I didn't see the label.
SHANE HOLLANDER: The label is in red ink and it is three inches tall.
CONNER LaPOINTE: I DIDN'T SEE THE LABEL.
LUC THIBODEAU: Shane stopped in the doorway. He didn't say anything at first. He looked at Pointey, then at the flour, then at the blender, and his face did something I've never seen before. I've seen guys take pucks to the face and show less.
CONNER LaPOINTE: He was so quiet. That was the scariest part. I'd rather he yelled. Shane Hollander standing completely still and looking at you like you've personally betrayed him is — it's a lot.
SHANE HOLLANDER: I asked Conner, calmly, whether he had used Gerald's flour. He said yes. I asked if he'd seen the label. He said no. I asked how he could have missed a label in red ink that is three inches tall. He did not have a satisfactory answer.
CONNER LaPOINTE: He asked how much I'd used. I said, "Like, a scoop?" and he closed his eyes. Not in an angry way. In a disappointed way. Like I'd let him down on a fundamental level. Like this was a moral failing.
LUC THIBODEAU: The locker room went completely silent. Every single person stopped what they were doing. Hayes was halfway through tying his shoe. He just... stopped. One shoe tied, one shoe untied. Frozen. We were all frozen.
ILYA ROZANOV, who was visiting that week: I have seen Shane play Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. I have seen him take a puck to the face and finish his shift. I have never seen this face. LaPointe should be grateful he is alive.
[I asked if he was exaggerating.]
ILYA ROZANOV: I am not exaggerating. I am being generous.
CONNER LaPOINTE: He made me go buy a replacement bag. Same day. He gave me the exact product name, the exact size, the store. He said, "They're in aisle seven, on the left, second shelf from the top."
SHANE HOLLANDER: I shop there regularly. I don't see why knowing the location of a product I purchase frequently is unusual.
LUC THIBODEAU: LaPointe came back forty-five minutes later with the flour and the expression of a man who's seen combat. Shane inspected the bag — inspected it — and said, "Thank you, Conner. Please don't let this happen again." Very calm. Very polite. Absolutely devastating.
CONNER LaPOINTE: I haven't touched anything on that shelf since. That shelf doesn't exist to me.
[I spoke to four separate witnesses about this event. Their accounts diverged on minor details but were unanimous on one point: the locker room was completely silent for approximately ninety seconds after Hollander entered the kitchen. LaPointedescribed this as "the longest ninety seconds of my life." Thibodeau described it as "longer."]
VIII. The Fan Mail
SHANE HOLLANDER: Gerald receives correspondence.
[I asked Hollander to elaborate.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: People send letters to the arena addressed to Gerald. Some include questions about sourdough maintenance. Some include drawings. One person sent a small crocheted mason jar. It was well-made. I sent a thank-you note.
[I asked who he sent it from.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: From Gerald. Obviously. The letter was addressed to Gerald. It would be inappropriate to respond on his behalf without indicating that the response was written by a proxy.
KAREN OKONKWO, arena operations coordinator, Ottawa: : The fan mail started about a month after Shane arrived. At first it was one or two letters a week. Then it was a dozen. Then we had to get a separate bin. It's labeled "Gerald Hollander." Shane insisted on the last name.
He picks it up every Thursday. He reads it — I've seen him reading it at his stall before practice. Just sitting there, in his gear, reading fan mail addressed to his sourdough starter. And sometimes he kind of... nods? Like he's reading it to the starter? I don't know. I've learned not to ask questions.
HAYDEN PIKE: He reads it to Gerald. Multiple people have witnessed this. He sits there with the letters and the jar and reads them out loud in a quiet voice.
I asked him about it once. I said, "Shane, buddy, are you reading fan mail to your sourdough starter?" and he said, "Gerald can't read, Hayden." Like I was the one being ridiculous.
DAVE [equipment manager]:So the account has two hundred thousand followers now, and I'm getting DMs. From professional bakers. Actual, real bakers with bakeries and everything. And they're asking me technical questions. "What's Gerald's hydration ratio?" "Does Shane do a cold retard or a room temperature bulk ferment?" "What's the protein content of his flour blend?"
I don't know what any of this means. I'm an equipment manager. I sharpen skates. My area of expertise is edges and blade profiles, not — not bulk ferments.
But here's the thing: I can't just not answer. The account has a reputation. People trust Gerald. So I started googling. And then the googling led to forums. And the forums led to YouTube videos. And the YouTube videos led to — look, the point is, I'm on bread forums now. At 1 AM. Regularly. I'm in deep.
And the worst part? The absolute worst part? Someone asked me Gerald's hydration ratio and I guessed — I completely guessed, I said 100%, which is a wild guess — and then three weeks later I'm in the locker room and I overhear Shane telling someone his hydration ratio and it's 100%. I guessed right. I guessed right about sourdough. That's not a skill I wanted. That's not a skill anyone should have by accident.
The other day my girlfriend asked me why there's a bag of rye flour in our pantry and I didn't have an answer. I don't bake. I don't know why I bought it. I think I'm becoming Shane. I think Gerald is contagious.
Also — and I need to say this to someone — a publishing company reached out about a Gerald cookbook. A cookbook.They want "Gerald's" recipes. I am an equipment manager. I don't have recipes. I have a Twitter account and a steadily deteriorating grip on reality. I told them I'd think about it. I've been thinking about it for three months. I think about it every day. This has to stop. I know it won't stop.
[Pike was updated on the cookbook situation.]
HAYDEN PIKE: Dave asked me what Gerald's hydration ratio was. I said I don't know what that means. He said, "Me neither, man." And we just stood in the parking lot for a while. Two grown men, haunted by bread.
IX. "The Gerald"
SHANE HOLLANDER: I want to be clear: I did not seek this out. Someone sent me an article about a bakery in Ottawa that had named a sourdough loaf "The Gerald." I felt it was important to evaluate whether the product was worthy of the association.
PAUL FONTAINE, owner, Fontaine Bakery, Ottawa: I look up from the counter and Shane Hollander is standing in my shop. Shane Hollander. I'm a hockey fan. I'm an Ottawa fan. I've watched this man play for fifteen years. And he's in my bakery, at 8 AM on a Wednesday, and he says — very polite, very serious — "I'd like to try The Gerald, please."
I gave him a loaf. On the house. Obviously. He said, "Thank you, but I'd prefer to pay. This is an evaluation, not a social visit." He paid full price. He asked for a receipt.
He looked at it. He looked at me. He said, "May I see the crumb?"
So I cut it open for him. And he examined it. He held it up to the light. He pressed the interior with his finger and watched how it sprang back. He smelled it. He did everything short of taking its blood pressure.
Then he tasted it. One bite. He chewed for a long time. He swallowed. He was quiet for maybe ten seconds, which, when Shane Hollander is staring at your bread, feels like ten years.
And then he said: "The crust development is acceptable. The crumb structure is underdeveloped, suggesting insufficient bulk fermentation time. And —" this is the part I'll never forget — "there's a supplemental yeast in this, isn't there."
It wasn't a question. It was a statement. And he was right. We use a small amount of commercial yeast to ensure consistency. And Shane Hollander tasted a single bite and knew.
I said, "It's just a small amount, for reliability —" and he said, "If it contains commercial yeast, it is not sourdough. It is a yeasted bread with sourdough flavoring. Those are different products." And then he thanked me for my time and left.
ILYA ROZANOV: He comes home and he is upset. Not angry. Upset. He stand in the kitchen and he says, "They used commercial yeast as a supplement, Ilya. That is not sourdough. That is a lie." And I am supposed to — what? What do I do with this? My boyfriend is heartbroken about bread.
I hold him. What else can I do. The bread hurt him.
[I asked Rozanov if this was a joke.]
ILYA ROZANOV: It is and it isn't.
[Fontaine Bakery has since reformulated to use only wild yeast culture. "Shane came back and tried the new version," Fontaine said. "He said, 'This is a significant improvement.' That's the best review I've ever received." The bakery has not changed the name.]
X. Gerald Is Not a Pet
[For the final section, I asked each participant the same question: Is there anything else you'd like people to know about Gerald?]
HAYDEN PIKE: Gerald has outlasted three of Shane's coaches, two of his agents, and one of his relationships. Gerald is permanent. The rest of us are just visiting.
I've been getting Gerald Updates for eight years. Eight years. That's longer than most marriages. Gerald is, statistically, the longest commitment in my adult life, and I didn't even choose it. Shane chose it for me. He chose it for all of us.
I wouldn't change it. Don't tell him I said that.
CAROL MACINTYRE: I'm just proud of Shane. He was such a serious little boy. So careful about everything. He used to line up his shoes by the door in order of when he'd need them. He was seventeen.
And now he's — well, he's still serious. He's still careful. But he has Gerald and he has Ilya and he has his birds and his quilts and all those things he makes with his hands, and I think he's happy. I think Gerald is part of being happy. Does that make sense? I think keeping something alive for twelve years, something small that needs you — I think that's how Shane learned he was good at love.
DAVE [equipment manager]: Gerald deserves better than me. I've been doing this for seven years and I still don't know what a levain is. But I'll keep going. For Gerald.
J.J. BOIZIAU: Gerald is family. Pierre is also family, but Pierre is in heaven now.
CONNER LaPOINTE: I've made my peace with Gerald. I respect Gerald. I respect Gerald's shelf and Gerald's flour and Gerald's personal space and Gerald's feeding schedule. Gerald and I have an understanding. The understanding is that I don't touch anything and Shane doesn't give me that look again. It's a good system.
LUC THIBODEAU: Gerald is a jar of yeast that has somehow become the emotional center of this hockey team. I've stopped questioning it. I think that's maturity.
COACH WIEBE: No comment. Gerald's schedule is posted on the fridge and I respect it.
ANNA CHEN: The bread is very, very good. That's all I can say. Literally. There's an NDA.
ILYA ROZANOV: [Rozanov was quiet for several seconds. This was the only point in our interview where he wasn't smiling.]
Gerald is old. Shane has kept him alive for many years. He feeds him every day. He has never missed. Not when he was sick, not when he was traveling, not when things were hard. When we were not together yet and things were very hard, Shane still fed Gerald every morning and every night. Because Gerald is alive and needs to be taken care of.
That is how Shane loves things. He decides something matters, and then he takes care of it, every day, forever. He does not forget. He does not get bored. He does not stop.
People think the bread is funny. The bread is not funny. The bread is how Shane loves.
[Rozanov paused.]
I am very lucky that he decided I matter.
SHANE HOLLANDER: I want to clarify something for the record. Gerald is not a pet. He is a symbiotic colony of lactobacillus bacteria and wild yeast. He does not have feelings. He does not have preferences. He does not, despite what the Twitter account suggests, have opinions about hockey.
I don't understand why everyone keeps anthropomorphizing him.
[I asked if there was anything else.]
SHANE HOLLANDER: His favorite flour is King Arthur organic bread flour. He's worth it.
Gerald Hollander is about fifteen years old. He lives in a mason jar with a blue lid in the back of a refrigerator in Ottawa, Ontario. He has two hundred thousand Twitter followers, a dedicated shelf of King Arthur organic bread flour, a verified social media presence run by a man who still doesn't know what a poolish is, and an owner who has never once, in fifteen years, missed a feeding.
I went into this story expecting to write about bread.
I don't think this story is about bread.