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God, it’s hot. Regret starts to bubble up inside Matt. Agreeing to come to a party was one thing, had he known this ridiculously giant house would have been easily filled to the brim with so many people he might have tried thinking of a decent excuse. Everyone just had to be dancing, too. Sweating so much Matt could practically smell it overpowering the alcohol in his cup.
And, he really does not want to drink. Getting so wasted to the point of being taken advantage of was always a thought that scared him away from even considering touching the stuff. Though, right now, looking around at the sea of strangers, the marble staircase that led up to even more strangers, the lavish and admittedly quite ridiculous decorations that were splayed across almost every surface of the house, it hits him just how out of place he is. He doesn’t recognize a single person here besides his brothers, and no one even tries to acquaint themselves with him. So, he endures the burn in his throat and takes quick, long sips every now and then if only to forget a little bit why he’s even here in the first place.
That’s another thing – he wouldn’t have come to this stupid party at all if it weren’t for Nick. His brother didn’t pressure him to come either, he would never. Even told him it would be completely understandable if Matt just stayed home as usual (which only gave him more of a reason not to do that), but ultimately he was much more stubborn than Nick. He, just like Chris, couldn’t bear the thought of Nick being on his own at this specific party. Call him overprotective, call him weird for not trusting Nick’s boyfriend enough, for having an excuse to be able to watch him closely. He didn’t care.
Matt didn’t really take Noah for someone who loves big and loud events like this, but he also didn’t take the time to get to know him at all. He was just the boyfriend, the guy who suddenly took an interest in Nick and who would occasionally steal him away, leaving Matt and Chris to their own devices. It wasn’t normal to think of it like that, was it? They’ve been separated before, and for much longer times. It didn’t matter either way. Wasn’t like Matt would ever verbalize these feelings. The more sips he takes the less certain he feels about that, though.
Familiar laughter erupts from the kitchen. Matt wonders what could possibly be so funny as he puts his back up against the wall to get a peek. Nick’s right behind the kitchen island while Noah’s hand lazily rests on his waist. Matt can’t help but roll his eyes. He takes another sip, the last one before he throws the cup into the trashbin.
His eyes naturally focus on Nick’s hands. They’re hunched together, one holding a cup, too. He stands awkwardly still compared to Noah who’s laughter almost sends him falling over the countertop a few times. Matt squints at them, notices how far apart they look despite the contact. And how Nick seems to be swaying further and further away. Maybe he’s just a bit tipsy now, it’s not like he’s known Nick his whole life, not like he can simply tell from the slight twitch of his shoulders or a glint in his eyes whenever one of his brothers feels off. Soon enough, Nick actually pushes Noah’s hand off and says something close to his ear before walking out of the kitchen. A prideful grin creeps onto Matt’s face as he promptly follows Nick into a hallway.
Nick must have his own sense for these things, too, because he lets Matt follow him once he realizes he was trailing behind him, and lets him glide past the bathroom door without much resistance. They’re lucky the people here are too caught up with themselves to see them, and still, Nick makes sure to lock the door before settling against the sink.
“So, how's it going with him?” Matt blurts out after a couple seconds of silence.
“Oh, now you want me to talk about my relationship?”
“I’m just curious.” Nick stares back at Matt for a while. It’s harder to read his expression now that they’re closer to each other.
“It’s fine,” Nick eventually says.
They both know it’s a pretty weak answer. Matt doesn’t even try to hide the amusement on his face when he responds, “Just fine? really?”
“Shut up… Honestly it’s just… okay. I don’t know.”
“What, is he a bad kisser?”
“Matt.” He lets out a soft giggle. Sees the light blush spreading on Nick’s face. Maybe the alcohol is getting to him, maybe he had always enjoyed teasing his brothers like this. Maybe he misses it a little, too.
“Is he just okay at kissing?”
“I don’t know,” Nick says flatly, “Maybe I’m the problem.”
“Maybe–” Matt starts, making Nick squint at him just slightly, “–you just need some practice.”
“I mean, it has been a while.”
Matt knew he was smiling like an idiot. He inches further towards the sink. Blame it on the alcohol or whatever, but he doesn’t want to stop. “We were really stupid back then, huh?”
“You’re acting pretty stupid right now.” There’s something about that comment that ticks Matt off. He is acting stupid, that much is definitely true. Again, though, he doesn’t have the resolve to stop or care.
“Coming from you.”
Nick’s head droops. “He’s not a bad guy, you know.”
“I know.”
“He’s nice, we never fight, he doesn’t pressure me–”
“He’s normal.” Nick visibly flinches, even Matt feels his stomach sink at his own words, like they come out before he has the time to think about them.
“He makes me feel good.”
“I’m sure he does.”
The air is thick, yet Nick can’t hide the endearment that slips its way past his pained smile. “You’re starting to sound like Chris.”
“I’m just being honest.” Matt is close enough now that he’s gripping onto the sink for dear life. Nick doesn’t dare move back. Instead, he’s fixed on his little brother’s wandering eyes.
“You’re being a bitch.” Even for Nick that comes out a little cruel, but Matt isn’t fazed. It’s been far too long since he’s been allowed to overstep like this. How can he listen to a single word that comes out of Nick’s lips right now? They’re curled up, slightly parted, and Matt is definitely drunk.
“You’re both always whining in my ear…” Nick trails off, too curious about Matt’s nose practically hovering over his face. Their cheeks flush and for a few moments nothing could be heard apart from their light breaths and the muffled sounds of music and people talking outside the bathroom.
“You– We–we’re in his house, Matt.” But behind closed doors, and with a little influence what does he care?
That scares Nick. For a moment, he nearly possesses enough bravery to act just as careless as him and give in. He can’t lie and say he doesn’t miss the petnames, the subtle touches that were only ever theirs to share, the kisses. They used to be so lenient when it came to those. The winds changed. They grew older. Nights became too unbearable for Nick. The memories of his brothers were tainted.
He wanted someone to hold in his arms on those nights. He wanted to be able to show his affection free of ridicule and shame. He was alone and aching and sometimes he prayed to God to rid him of these thoughts because the first person he imagined underneath the covers with him was never Noah.
“We’re not doing anything,” Matt pauses, pulling back with an abrupt force.
“It doesn’t count when it’s us, right?” His voice is a little slurred and whiny but the hurt in his words bites at Nick.
“This is… different.”
“Why?”
“We can’t.”
There’s a small moment where Nick furrows his brows, ready to walk out on Matt and probably drink it all away. But he leans against the sink. Doesn’t recoil when Matt’s body closes in on his. Doesn’t slap away the wobbly hand that reaches for his cheek. His instincts have never been able to resist the natural lull of his brother’s lips. His stomach churns.
“We really shouldn’t…” He tilts his head to the side and places a gentle, shaky palm over Matt’s chest. He winces without even having to look him in the eyes. He knows Matt’s heart shatters.
“Am I at least still allowed to touch you?” There’s a slight crack in his voice that makes Nick’s head shoot up.
Their time together away from the party feels endless. Noah is probably waiting for his boyfriend to come back. Maybe he’s too drunk out of his mind already to remember he exists. All he would do is talk Nick’s ear off about some personal drama he can’t be bothered to keep up with, or he’ll mention the members of a sports team Nick hadn’t memorized no matter how many times their names came out of Noah’s mouth. The thought of going back to that, nodding his head relentlessly like he gives a shit about any of it – it’s exhausting, to put it nicely.
The way Chris’s eyes lit up whenever he saw his favorite player on the TV would be enough to give him that warm feeling in his chest. Just lying on the couch with Matt in peaceful silence could steal all his attention away for hours and the time wouldn’t pass at all. They were his first loves after all.
Nick’s hands twitch before they grip Matt’s arms. In truth, he wants to bury himself in his chest, but he settles with this. “Just stay here for a minute.”
Little sparks danced across Matt’s body anticipating Nick’s next move. Abstaining from making an actual choice wasn’t surprising for his brother to do, and if he wasn’t feeling the buzz of the alcohol coursing through his veins Matt wouldn’t have taken it. He’d have given him one last scowl before storming off. Barged out the house and ignored the stares and whispers. But he’s maybe a little more than tipsy now and Nick touching him is just so scarce and it breaks him a little. He would lose his chance. It’s a stupid thought, admittedly, but how is he supposed to think clearly when his big brother’s hands rake up and down his arms with a desperation he’s never been able to witness before? When Nick can’t seem to stop, movements become frantic, panicked. Matt really shouldn’t ever drink again.
“Nick, I’m– I’m still here.”
“I know.”
He reaches out for Nick’s shoulder, ignores the way his eyes widen and how he shrinks in on himself, and Fuck, why is he the one comforting him now?
“I mean– You can take your time.” Matt doesn’t say anything else. The room spins slightly. Nick’s face contorts, but he eventually lets his shoulders slump, relaxes for the first time since they arrived. Even if it’s a short moment that passes just as quickly, it’s all it takes for Matt to swallow down anything that might have tried to come back up. It’s a little relieving, yes, but God would it kill Nick to apologize, to comfort him too, or to confess he’s already made up his mind – that he doesn’t need time? Can he just kiss him?
A surprised noise shoots out of Nick. Maybe Matt did drink a bit more than he initially thought, he hardly sensed himself gravitating towards him again.
“Sorry.” He still inches closer. Nick stays frozen in place.
“I should just leave,” Matt says finally. It gets a reaction out of Nick, shocked, embarrassed, whatever it is Matt almost wants to laugh at the irony. His body lurches for the door until a warm hand catches his waist.
“Wait.”
Matt’s heart thumps loud in his ears, louder than the bass of the music outside the bathroom. He carefully watches Nick’s hand fly up to his cheek, and it’s soft, warm. Almost burns. A tingly sensation runs down his neck at the simple touch. The room spins some more, starts to warp around him, or at least that’s what he tells himself is happening when Nick appears closer and closer–
And their lips brush. It sparks a distant memory back into Matt’s head from New Year’s Eve where they shared an innocent kiss just like this one. Matt couldn’t have known back then that it would be the last one he would receive from Nick.
But here, away from the noise, away from Noah, his heart bursts from within him. He fully pushes his weight onto Nick who in turn tilts his jaw and opens up his mouth if only to make the moment last longer, to let the subtle taste of alcohol linger on his tongue.
When he pulls away it’s slow, achingly so, while sliding his hand down Matt’s chest.
They don’t speak a single word to each other after that, and even in Matt’s current state it still manages to shatter him all over again. Nearly twenty-three years of living with Nick makes all the tells of a goodbye so painfully clear. Nick is even the first one to leave Matt alone in the bathroom. All he can do is stare at himself in the large mirror. Digging holes into the sides of his hips Nick so vigorously held onto mere minutes before. There’s a stabbing pain in his head now, and the room just won’t stop spinning, and the first tear finally trickles down his face in an instant. Soon enough, he falls to the floor and quietly sobs into his hands.
He doesn’t know how long he stays in there like this. The party could be over, everyone could have left. No one could have noticed him anyway.
In his drunken wallowing he does forget some things. The realization hits him once a knock comes at the door, making his head jerk up which only makes the headache worse.
“Matt?” Oh thank God. He stumbles over himself to get to the door, then lets out a much needed breath when Chris is the first person he sees. Matt’s a bit taken aback by the hurt look on his face, but the concern for his brother easily overrides it. Chris can barely get out a single word before Matt is throwing himself onto him, and they embrace like they’ll both disappear if they were to ever let go.
***
The flashing, colored lights that felt kind of fun and exciting when Nick stepped into this house earlier that day now burn into his retinas. The music of an artist he’s never heard before – and frankly, never wants to hear again – makes his ears ring. He has to willingly stop himself from slapping his hands over them. It’s much more obnoxious than he remembers.
He half-heartedly pushes through the crowd of people, those of which aren’t even close to being in the realm of anyone he actually knows. Maybe a couple of Noah’s friends, but even they are just some guys he’s passively mentioned in the past.
The tequila shots in the kitchen call to Nick. If Matt can break his sobriety then so can he.
After a few disgusting shots, he begrudgingly walks over to Noah again who’s deep in conversation with yet another stranger. He tries looking for some water, only to catch a glimpse of Matt and Chris at the front door, immediately making the lingering alcohol on his mouth taste bittersweet. They're holding each other up, Chris supporting Matt’s weight more than anything, and it sends a chill through Nick’s body. Chris notices him staring, and Nick and Matt’s eyes meet once again. The colder, more resentful look in his face is a horrific contrast to the way he almost looked like a begging puppy in the bathroom. He keeps that stare locked onto Nick until he can’t take it anymore, averting his gaze out of nothing but guilt.
“Hey, your brothers aren’t staying for the cake?” Noah suddenly shouts in his ear, and Nick shakes away the nausea to make something up.
“Uh, no. They both have meetings early in the morning.” And Noah hardly gives it a second thought, really. Just goes right back to mingling with his party guests. Nick doesn’t spare him a glance, just looks at the front door the entire time as his brothers turn around to leave.