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Partners, in sickness and in health
She was in her bed bundled up with a hot water bottle and the curtains drawn shut. She has not moved an inch afraid her pain would intensify even more if she did. Her eyes were closed, her face scrunched up and she was in pain. So much pain.
She hasn’t had an attack like this in months but the current stress at work with the latest case they had and her messed up sleep and eating habits were probably to blame for the situation she was in now. She saw it coming, knew it was and yet she ignored all the warning signs.
‘Dr. Brennan is in complete denial about her illness since she cannot control it therefore she’d rather ignore its existence so she won’t have to deal with it.’ Something Dr. Sweets would say.
Control, that was the key word. Everything in her life was controlled by her and she prided herself on being so organised. And yet this was something she couldn’t control. This disease. Endometriosis if we’re going by the medical terms. A chronic inflammatory whole body disease with no cure.
It came at her the first time when she was 13 years old. Everytime she got her period there was either fainting or throwing up and always this debilitating pain no pain medication could provide aid for.
It got worse when she was around 17, yet the doctors never listened to her and neither did her foster parents. So she hid her pain as best as she could, not knowing what it was back then. She thought it was normal for a woman to be in so much pain.
She only got it diagnosed a few years ago when Angela found her in her office lying on the floor after she fainted. Angela gently forced her to tell her everything and then she took her to her OB-GYN, they performed a laparoscopy and that’s when she had it in writing. Endometriosis. An answer for the pain, an answer to knowing what was wrong with her.
And yet they couldn’t do anything. Treatment forms are the pill or other hormones and since Brennan wasn’t a fan of either she refused. She did her research on the disease ever since and by changing her eating and exercise habits she had it mainly under control.
There’s that keyword again, control.
Sometimes she would still get the occasional flare up but this one was something else. It hasn’t been that bad in months.
She couldn’t even move to her other side to grab her phone and let people know that she wasn’t coming into work today. Every little movement, every breath antagonised the pain even more. She wasn’t able to take the pain medication in her bedside drawer either but she would probably throw it up right away anyway.
So she just laid there waiting it out, hoping for the best. Her water bottle was not even hot anymore. just lukewarm since she made it before going to bed last night.
She didn’t know how much time had passed when she could suddenly hear noise coming from her front door. It was knocking and a male voice calling her name. Booth.
He knew of her diagnosis, she told him after he saw Angela and her leaving. He was so worried when he saw how she was leaning on Angela so she called him afterwards.
He went into full caring mode and bought her a hot water bottle for work, a smaller one so she could put it in her pants and still work. He also did some research on the disease and gave her tips on how to manage it. She usually dislikes people making a fuss about her or giving her unsolicited advice but she didn’t mind when it came from him. She knew that was his way of caring and it gave her the feeling that she was safe and cared for. So she let him.
She could hear him use his key to her apartment now, his footsteps walking through her living room and kitchen to get to her bedroom. She squeezed her eyes shut even more when he opened the door, illuminated by the light.
“Bones?”
She made a noise, more like a grunt.
He moved towards her, closing the door behind him. “Bones, what’s wrong? Are you in pain.”, he asked in a whispered tone. He was kneeling next to her bed now, she could make out his face in the dark.
She just nodded, tears welling up in her eyes.
“It’s okay, Bones. I’m here. Tell me what you need.”
“Can you make me a new hot water bottle?”, her voice hoarse.
“Sure, anything you need. Have you taken any painkillers yet?”
“No, they don’t work and I will throw them up again anyways. Besides, I hate taking pain medication.”, Bones said determinedly.
He sighed. “I know Bones, I know.”, he didn’t take up a discussion with her, it was pointless in the state she was in so he just took her water bottle that she held out to him and went back to the kitchen.
She could hear him turning on the kettle and emptying the cold water into the sink. She moaned in pain as a new wave of cramps hit her.
“Here you go, Bones.”, he came back after a while and handed her the water bottle, “I’ve also brought you ibuprofen in case you change your mind. I’ve made you chamomile tea, I remember you told me that helps you sometimes. And I’ve let Cam know that you won’t be in today and possible also tomorrow.”, she went to say something but he continued before she could even open her mouth, “ I know, I know you don’t want to but after the last weeks we’ve had and the reaction of your body you’re staying home. No discussion."
She felt the tears before she could stop them. She tried to hide her face by pulling the duvet higher up but he saw them, of course he did.
“I’m sorry”, he scrambled, trying to touch her hand, unsure if she wanted it, “I didn’t mean to upset you, Bones.”
“No, no it’s okay. You didn’t upset me. It just seems like my hormones are running wild due to the flare up and the inflammation my body is currently experiencing.”
He snickered at her science talk, it was her way of trying to detach herself from what was happening. He knew she was embarrassed about crying.
“Bones, don’t hide from me. I’m here, I want to take care of you.”
She looked at him with watery eyes as he took her hand into his. He gave it a little kiss on the knuckles making her smile. A new wave of cramps went through her making her hiss in pain and she gripped his hand like it was her lifeline. He watched her helplessly as he couldn’t do anything for her. He cursed this disease, he hated seeing her in pain.
His partner.
They hadn’t talked about their feelings for each other but he loved her. He knew she loved him too but she was too afraid. Angela told him once that she felt she wasn’t worthy of him and he wished he could convince her of the opposite. She was more than worthy of him, she was the most brilliant and beautiful person he knew. It pained him to know how little self esteem she actually had, seeing her so self assured and confident when she was at work. He couldn’t tell her about Angela telling him,, it wasn’t for him to know. She only told him after noticing Brennan declining every single date invitation. She asked her about it and that’s how she found out about Bones’s feelings for Booth and that she was terrified of losing him.
“I’m sorry, Booth. I don’t know, I’m sorry-“, Brennan was fully crying now, slowly working herself up to hyperventilation. She didn’t know what she was apologising for exactly. Was it because she was embarrassed of needing his help? Was it because of what was going on between them? Was it because she couldn’t offer herself to him in the same way he offered himself to her?
“Hey, shh, you don’t need to apologise for anything. Just tell me what you need, Bones” He was half sitting on her bed now, brown eyes full of empathy.
“Can you hold me?”, he almost didn’t hear her whispering. It was hard for her to admit that she was vulnerable, holding up a strong facade wherever she was. It was during their partnership that she learned she had other people to rely on and so she opened up, little by little. She was trying her hardest to let him in and trust him, refused to give in to her urge to run for the hills when it was too much. Years of being in the foster system taught her that she only had herself to rely on but it was him in front of her now, asking her to trust him. Wanting to help her and so she let him.
He kicked off his shoes and got onto the bed, on top of the covers. She turned around slowly so he could settle behind her and put an arm around her. He held her and wished he could take all of the pain away. They were quiet, no one daring to speak. Her breathing settled down and she was able to relax, her pain quieting down a little. He watched her in the dark light pouring all of his love into his embrace hoping she could feel what he couldn’t say out loud. He knew she was strong and capable of taking care of herself but this disease acted like nothing he’d ever seen. It took his strong, brilliant partner and reduced her to a woman in pain unable to do anything. She always looked for the cause of death in their victims and she always solved the cases they were given. But this, she couldn’t solve. There was no solution, no cure and no relief.
He felt so much empathy for her knowing that she likes to be in control of every aspect of her life and yet she couldn’t control this disease.
After a while she fell asleep in his arms exhausted. He extracted himself from her, careful not to wake her and went to her kitchen. He thought if he couldn’t take her pain away he might as well make sure she was eating. Knowing her and the state she was in she probably hasn’t eaten anything or kept anything down since yesterday morning. He got some things from her fridge and started preparing a meal for her. Nothing too complicated, he wanted her to keep it in after all.
After he was done, he started cleaning up the mess he made and more.
He settled down at the kitchen island picking up a newspaper when he heard the bedroom door opening. She stood in the doorway, in her pj’s with rumpled hair and he thought it was the most beautiful sight he’s ever seen.
“Hey, how are you feeling? I’ve made you some food if you’re hungry.”
She was slightly hunched over when she walked over to him.
“How’s your pain?”, he asked her.
“It’s better, just a dull ache right now. Seems like falling asleep while being cuddled by you helped, it certainly felt good.”
He blinked. Did she realise what she just said out loud? She sat down on the sofa oblivious to his stunned reaction.
“I’m hungry, what did you make me?”
“Oh just some veggies and a tofu sandwich. You know my cooking skills mostly concern ready-prepared-meals.”
She smiled at him. “Thank you Booth, you didn’t have to do that.”
“I know I didn’t but you’re my partner and I hate seeing you in pain. The least I can do is take care of you and make sure you’re okay.”
He got up to get her food and when he came back, she was bundled up on the couch looking cozy and comfortable. He was glad she felt better, hopefully it would stay like this.
“Do you need anything else?”, he asked as he handed her the plate.
“No, thank you Booth. I’m really grateful that you’re here. I realise it’s not always easy for me to show my appreciation but I want you to know that I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me.”
“That’s what partners do, Bones.”