Chapter Text
When I'm with Philip I don't even think; I just act. There's no one else around and I can just be myself. I was laying in my bed with my headphones in and my music up loud. All that was running through my head was when I punched him. I've never fought with anyone, yet I was so quick to hit him. I just wish I could be in control.
Suddenly, I was torn from my thoughts and face to face with deep brown eyes, a perfectly defined jaw, and beautifully soft lips. My heart was pounding as my phone and headphones were abandoned. Philip moved in closer. I put my hand against his chest, and his heart was beating just as fast. My breath was coming in short pants. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Oh," he smirked a little, "you gonna hit me again? Huh?" My hand trailed up to cradle his face. His eyes flickered from my lips to my eyes and then his warm lips were pushing against mine. All of my thoughts were gone. I was so completely lost in him as we kissed. Anytime I kissed Rose I was worry about how I kissed and if it was good enough. Was I convincing enough? With Philip it was never like that. I was always thinking about the way it felt and about him. I never wanted us to part.
I pulled him up on top of the bed and rolled us over so I could be on top. Pulling away for air I looked into his eyes and my questions just flew out. "What the hell were you thinking talking to me in front of everyone?" I furrowed my eyebrows. Guilt was all I felt about our fight. Philip propped himself up on his elbows and gave me a small smile. When he told me about the detective board I felt so relieved.
"We're safe?"
"We're safe.
I just had to kiss him. We were both safe now and had nothing to worry about. Want filled my body, and suddenly I was wearing too much clothes. I pulled my shirt off and tossed it somewhere. Then pressed my lips to his in another harsh kiss.
His fingers went to the button on my jeans and all my worries came crashing back down. I pulled away again. Everything with him was so overwhelming and I'd never felt this way before. "I just can't believe what's happening." I shook my head and closed my eyes.
Philip's eyebrows knitted together as he spoke, "you're into me. Thats what's happening." He shrugged slightly and leaned back up. "Just deal with it." He leaned in for another kiss.
I got off of him. I wished I could just deal with it, but this was all so knew to me. Just discovering these desires made me feel out of control, confused, and wrong. "No, no, no...no one knows." Getting off the bed I wrapped up my headphones and tossed them aside.
"So what if they do? Who cares?" Philip looked at me with an expression I couldn't quite read, but his tone was exasperated. My brain was so scattered. I wished I could just understand this all and be like Philip.
"I care!" I huffed. Shaking my head I looked away from him. "You don't get it, I don't...I don't wanna be that guy. And my dad, he doesn't want me to be that guy. A-And Rose..." I instantly regretted bringing her up. Philip was facing away from me with his jaw clenched. This was all too much too soon. It feels like I don't know myself. "No one wants me to be that guy." I ran a hand through mg hair.
"But what if you are?" He mumbled. I don't know who I am, and he sure as hell doesn't either.
"You don't know me." I huffed. Philip sat up and clenched his jaw harder.
"I know that you're just...some spoiled ass rich kid." He rolled his eyes. Thats all anyone thinks I am. I'm so much more than that, and him of all people I thought would know that. I felt anger bubble in me.
"Oh but you know everything cause your moms a junkie?" I scoffed. This wasn't me. I couldn't believe what I was saying.
"O-Ok," he took a deep breath, "you didnt have to say that." Philip looked so hurt and I just wanted to wipe that look of his face. I never wanted him to look so hurt ever again. He didn't deserve any of that just because it felt like my world was falling apart.
"Sorry... neither did you." Philip looked away from me and I mentally kicked myself. Running my hand through my hair I walked back to the bed. I just wanted to see those beautiful brown eyes again, and make up for what I said. "My dad's in Poughkeepsie tonight." I crawled back into the bed and over to him. I leaned in close, craddled his face and kissed him with a force that I wished could say everything I felt and thought.
He was reluctant at first, but kissed me back with matched intensity. Hooking my hand under his knee I spread his legs. Sliding inbetween his knees I hooked both my hands under his knees and pulled him further underneath me. Rolling our hips together I undid the button on his jeans and began to pull them down.
"No, no, no." he placed his hands on me and pushed. "No!" I was completely taken aback by reaction. Just a few days ago he had been wanting sex.
"What?" I asked out of breath. Philip pushed on me and scrambled off the bed. He began pulling his pants back up and buttoning them.
"I'm not gonna be your little bitch." He spoke through clenched teeth. I didn't want him to leave. We needed to work this out.
"What?" My face screwed up in confusion. Philip was so confusing.
"You got Rose for that." Anger was all over his face as he spoke. It felt like my world was crashing down on me. I thought he was by my side "You can't hit me in the face, not want to be seen with me..like I'm some freak," he looked me up and down and scoffed, "and then you wanna fool around." He shook his head. Guilt overwhelmed me and I felt like I could die. He's the only one who knew this about me. "No, no, no...you gotta decide." He clenched his jaw as he straightened out his jacket.
"What's there to decide?" I furrowed my eyebrows.
"Alright." He said. Philip clicked his tongue and walked past me. I watched him longingly. I didn't want to be left alone. It felt as if I had no one right now. Everyone wanted me to be something I'm not, yet I had no clue who I wad. There was so much weight on my sholders and I needed him.
Phil grabbed his bag and hurried down the steps. I rushes to the top of the steps and peered down them. I should go after him. Beg him to understand that I absolutely hated every part of myself right now. Understand how difficult he is to understand when I don't even understand myself.
But I didn't. I just panted breathlessly and went back to my room. If I went after him I'd only make things worse. Afterall, thats all I do. But I couldn't blame him for not wanting to be around me; I didn't want to be around me right now either.