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"No."
Jhoanna sighs. This isn't at all how she imagined. Not that she ever imagined breaking up with one Aiah Arceta, because she didn't. Ever. Even now, sitting on Aiah's couch, in Aiah's living room, in Aiah's apartment, looking at Aiah's tear stained face, she cannot fathom living in a world where Aiah wasn't hers. To love. To hold. To console. And she wants nothing more than to grab her and say never mind, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. But she does. She may not want to let go, but she has to, for Aiah. Always for Aiah.
"Did you hear what I said?" Aiah's question breaks Jhoanna out of her trance.
"Yes. Then and the other ten times you said it" she says evenly. "But that's not how this works. You can't just say no. If one person wants to break-up, then you break-up. And that's it. There's no refusing."
"No, if one person has a legitimate reason to want to break-up, then they break-up. And I know you don't have one." Aiah huffs, "You have a Jhoanna reason" Aiah finishes looking down at her.
Jhoanna can't help it, she laughs at that. This whole thing is just ridiculous. "OK, I'll humor you. What exactly is a Jhoanna reason?" She asks, eyes leveling with Aiah's.
Aiah doesn't miss a beat. "It's you making up all these ridiculous 'what ifs' in your head, finding things that could maybe, kinda-sorta happen, in the maybe distant future. It's you trying to save me from you." Jhoanna drops her head, "and it's my fault because I let you get away with it before. Before we were serious, before I was in love with your stupid, stubborn, annoying self." Jhoanna takes a deep breath, raising her head to look at her. "But I'm not letting you now. Because now you're not just messing with my head, you're messing with my heart. And I've been through enough pain to let you do that to me."
This time Jhoanna drops her head, pleading with herself to not cry, not let Aiah sway her mind. Because she's right, of course she's right, she always is. But that doesn't change anything. It doesn't change what she has to do, what she came here to do. And she needs to do it quickly because she can't keep this up. It's too much, this denying Aiah what she wants. She could never do it before and now that the thing she wants is her, it's almost impossible.
"What are you doing Jhoanna? Making up more reasons?" Jhoanna winces at Aiah's sarcastic tone. Yes, she needed to get this over with.
Jhoanna clears her throat, pleading with her body to cooperate and swallow any and all her feelings and emotions. When she's sure she's okay, she stands up and looks into Aiah's eyes. She needs the message to be loud and clear. "Maybe I'm just not in love with you anymore."
Aiah flinches and Jhoanna can see the muscles in her jaw clenching, then stop completely. "Really?" Aiah asks, her tone confusing Jhoanna. It sounds almost...cocky.
Jhoanna simply nods, not knowing what else to do.
"And at one point, from six this morning when you left my apartment," Aiah turns to look at the clock on the wall, "to barely four in the afternoon did this happen?" She crosses her arms over her chest.
Oh. Crap. "Well, I...I don't know...I wasn't really-"
"Because it couldn't have been last night," Aiah interrupts her mid-sentence, walking towards her.
Ohcrap. Ohcrap. Ohcrap. "Why not?"
Aiah stops when she's directly in front of her, "because last night you were very much still whipped." She smirks.
Jhoanna gulps. She's not sure exactly when it happened, but at some point she lost control of the conversation and now she's confused and just a little scared. "You don't know that."
If it's at all possible, Jhoanna is sure Aiah's smirk widens at her poor attempt to dissuade whatever it was Aiah was getting at. "I know that you were all googly eyed over that stupid satin dress I wore. I know that you couldn't keep your hands off me long enough to eat. I know that we had sex...multiple times. And I know that last night...you screamed, cried, whispered, telling me how much you love me."
"Aiah, people say a lot of things-" Aiah's fingers on her lips shuts her up quickly.
"Shut up, I'm not done." Jhoanna nods again and Aiah pulls her hand away from her mouth. "I know I believed you every single time. You want to know why?"
No, no, no, she really didn't want to know. She wanted to run. She's not entirely sure if it's away from Aiah or to the bedroom. No Jhoanna, say no. She nods her head. Damn.
"Because you," Aiah points a finger into her chest. "You Jhoanna Christine Robles, you wear your heart on you sleeve, on your face, on every part of your body. I believed you...because you can't lie."
Jhoanna snorts, "Shows how much you know. I've lied plenty of times." Jhoanna steps back. She needs space. Air. Her senses were overloaded with all things Aiah. "Sometimes even to you," she tries her damnedest to sound convincing.
Aiah laughs, loud and open. Guess it didn't work. "Please. It doesn't matter how true the words coming out of your mouth are, unless it's my name, I hardly ever pay attention to them anyways." Aiah closes the distance, face suddenly serious. "I pay attention to how your eyes shine when you look at me" she says, bringing her hands to lightly touch them.
Jhoanna can't stop her eyes from closing.
"To the way you bite your lip right before you kiss me," Aiah's hands follow her words, tracing over Jhoanna's lips.
Jhoanna has to remind herself to breathe.
"The way your hands always seem to find mine, no matter where we are or what we're doing," Aiah continues, squeezing her hand. "Or your heart..."
When Jhoanna feels her hands on her chest, her eyes fly open. She's not sure why, she's not turned on or anything, Aiah's hands are just kind of there. Whatever the reason, Jhoanna hates herself for it because now she can see...everything. And she knows her plan is disappearing right in front of her eyes.
Aiah is smiling brightly at her, "how fast you heart beats every time I touch you, no matter how innocent the touch is." Aiah's smile suddenly vanishes and she pulls her hands away.
Jhoanna immediately misses the contact.
Aiah sighs, "why would I listen to anything you have to say, when your actions are so much louder."
Jhoanna ducks her head down. She couldn't do this. "Aiah please..." she's not sure what she's asking, she just knows she wants this to be done...either way.
"Jhoanna. Look at me."
"I can't."
"Then tell me what's wrong. What can I do?"
Jhoanna rubs her face, sitting down on the couch. Takes a breath. "My parents are getting a divorce."
Aiah sits next to her, as close to her as possible, without actually touching her. Jhoanna wonders why she's being so shy now. She'd laugh, but she's scared it's going to come out as a cry.
"I'm so sorry Jho-"
"Don't be." Jhoanna interrupts her. "I'm not, I mean, I love my parents, but they're just...much better apart."
"I don't understand-"
"I found my mom crying. When I went to visit her, she was just crying on the porch steps. She looked so sad and lost and I just..." she trails off, not really knowing how to finish.
"That's understandable. She's been with your father for..."
"Twenty years," Jhoanna answers.
"So of course she'd be sad. It's a divorce."
Jhoanna turns so she can see Aiah properly. So Aiah can see her properly. She needs Aiah to see. "She wasn't sad because they're getting a divorce. She told me she was sad that she spent twenty years trying to love someone that she isn't even sure she liked. She put so much into him, into them. And now-" she stops. Sighs. "Now she has nothing to show for it."
"Jho..." Aiah grabs her hands.
Jhoanna relishes in the feeling for a moment, letting it wash over her, giving her the confidence she needs to get everything out.
"Jhoanna..."
And then she pulls her hand back, standing up. "I'm sorry," she says, seeing the hurt look on Aiah's face. "I just...you wanted to know what was wrong and I'm trying to tell you, but I can't when you're touching me. It messes with my head," she meant for it to come out as a joke, but the connection between her mind and her mouth must be off because Aiah just nods and looks even more hurt than she did a second ago.
Jhoanna rakes a hand through her hair in frustration. Nothings coming out right.
"Jhoanna" Aiah says quietly.
Jhoanna looks down at her.
"Just breathe." Aiah smiles.
She takes a breath.
"Relax."
She rolls her shoulders.
"Just give it some time. The words will come."
It's quiet now. And Jhoanna welcomes the silence. Let's it calm her and tries to make sense of the jumbled mess that is her mind.
After a few minutes she says, "I'm so in love with you" without thinking. She guesses it's a start.
"Jho, what-"
Jhoanna ignores the words coming out of Aiah's mouth. She doesn't need to be interrupted now that's shes started. "I've...I've always been in love with you. I loved you before I even knew what love was. Before I knew it was okay to love you. When I hated everyone else...even myself, I still loved you." She whispers that last part and has to take a breath to steady her voice. "You're it for me. There was no one before and there will be no one after."
"Bubby-"
"No. Just let me finish okay?"
Aiah nods.
Jhoanna takes another long breath. "I love you. I always have and I always will. You got me...forever, however. I'm not going to go anywhere. No matter what, I will always be here. I just need you to know that." Jhoanna waits.
"I do." Aiah answers her unvoiced question.
"Good," Jhoanna nods to herself. "Because above everything else, I need you to be happy. It's important that you're happy. Whether it's with me or someone you haven't even met yet. I don't want to find you crying on the porch steps, twenty years from now, wondering where time went. Regretting who you spent it with. I just...really, really need you to be happy." She's glad her brain decided to cooperate with her and she hopes Aiah's get's the point. Get's what she was trying to do for her. The out she was trying to give her.
"I am happy" Aiah says confidently, standing in front of her. "Really, really happy Jhoanna ko."
"For now."
"No, not just for now."
"You don't know that." Jhoanna doesn't understand why she's not taking the out. Maybe she didn't make it clear.
Aiah laughs and grabs her hands, squeezing. "Neither do you. You can't save me from the future. It hasn't happened yet."
Jhoanna looks down.
"I'm not your mother," she says, nudging at her chin, forcing Jhoanna to look at her. "And you are most definitely not your father."
"I know, I just-"
"No, you don't know" Aiah cups her face, holding it between both of her hands. "You've built up this...completely wrong idea in your head. That I'm too good for you. And you bend over backwards for me, trying to make up for it. I wish you knew-" she caresses Jhoanna's face gently. "I'm telling you now, you don't have to do that. I'm not too good for you and you're not too good for me," she smiles. "We're both flawed and stupid sometimes...and that's okay. Because you and me, we're good together. We make each other better. You make me better."
"Aiah..."
"I've seen what's out there bubby. I'm not missing out on anything, I promise," Aiah finishes, kissing her.
"But-"
"I'm. Not. Missing. Out. On. Anything." Aiah validates each word with a peck. "Okay?" she asks, looking into Jhoanna's eyes.
Jhoanna looks back at her, taking a moment to just take her in. Her beautiful, perfect girlfriend. "Okay," she murmurs her agreement, placing her head on Aiah's shoulder. "At no point tonight were we going to break-up huh?"
Aiah leans her head on Jhoanna's. "Please, if I didn't let Management break us up, what made you think for a second that I'd let you?"
"A momentary lapse in judgment." Jhoanna pulls her head up to look at Aiah. "It won't happen again."
"I know." Aiah kisses her forehead. "Just talk to me next time. Save us both the trouble."
"I will" she says, disentangling herself from Aiah, suddenly remembering her promise to her mom.
Aiah frowns, "where are you going?"
"I'm sorry bubs, I kind of promised my mom I'd have dinner with her and I have to leave now if I want to make it to Laguna on time," she says, her eyes scanning the living room. "Do you know where my keys are?" She ask without waiting for an answer, vocal or otherwise, opting to look in the kitchen.
"Why didn't you just stay there instead of driving back and forth?" Aiah asks, her voice a bit louder, seemingly to make up for the small distance between the living room and the kitchen.
Jhoanna stops, unsure how to answer her. "Well I came back to..." she trails off, not wanting to start anything up again.
Aiah's head pops into the kitchen doorway. "To break-up with me, right, I almost forgot."
Jhoanna gapes, open mouthed at her, trying to figure out where her head was. Aiah is just looking at her. Jhoanna thinks she's in the clear, but she could never be sure. "Did I tell you how sorry I am...and stupid, very stupid."
Aiah shakes her head, "you didn't actually."
"I'm sorry, very, very sorry. And stupid, so incredibly stupid."
Aiah hums, like she’ll accept that for now and walks fully into the kitchen, Jhoanna's keys in hand. "I'm coming with you."
"Aiah, you don't have to-"
"Yes" she pulls the keys out of reach of Jhoanna's outstretched hands, "I do. Who knows what you'll talk yourself into if you go by yourself." She walks out of the kitchen and Jhoanna is left to follow after her.
Jhoanna stops, unsure, of what, she's not so sure. She watches Aiah grab her jacket and walk to the front door, turning around to look at her questioningly.
"Are you coming or what?"
"...right...um, wait up," Jhoanna quickly grabs her cardigan and jogs after Aiah, as she's already out the door. When she catches up to her, she grabs her hand, needing the comfort. "I really am sorry Aiah ko."
Aiah looks at her out of the corner of her eye, "I know." She squeezes Jhoanna's hand.
"I love you."
Aiah’s lips curve into a quiet smile, "I know." She leans in, brushing a soft kiss against Jhoanna’s lips. "I love you more."