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Peridot looked over at Lapis. She held the steering wheel with such confidence, driving them home. When Lapis drove she looked so sure of herself. She knew where she was going, always trusting of directions and her own memory, always aware of her surroundings. Lapis was a great driver and she knew it and she enjoyed it.
They rode on in silence, a Spanish artist playing through the speakers. Peridot could understand bits and pieces, she was trying really hard to learn for her wife. Lapis was more than happy to help her fit words together, remember vocabulary and form the sounds on her tongue. Improvement was slow but speaking was getting easier and easier but there were no words in any language that could express what Peridot wanted to say right now. Three of four languages had been taken from her by the medical jargon that had been rattled off to them only an hour ago. Peridot had really only understood the bottom line; endometriosis and infertility.
The doctor had been so calm when delivering the news. She had been optimistic and encouraging about the options available to them. There had been plenty. But it was all the same to Lapis. Cysts and growths still twisted through her, buried in her pelvis.
Going into the situation they had been hopeful, weighing the chances and outcomes. They had made lists to pick talent over looks.
“It’d still be cool if we could find someone with green eyes,” Lapis had said.
“Baby, you have brown eyes and brown hair, the green gene isn’t going to make it through.” Peridot had answered.
Now all that excitement was a distant memory. They left it behind to disappear like the OBGYN office from their rear view mirror.
They both wanted children, they had saved religiously for a few years to make sure Lapis could stay home for the first three years of the baby’s life. Peridot was eligible for six months of leave to be with them both and the two had spent long nights giggling and planning what they would do with that time and repeat over and over how fun it would be. Lapis promised she wouldn’t let the baby take its first steps while Peridot was at work.
“I don’t care if you have to carry the little stinker around with you the whole time, I want to be there!” Peridot had said with a grin on her face as she sat in Lapis’ lap.
“Fine, but I want to be mama.” Lapis bargained, a hand resting on Peridot’s knee.
“What does that make me?” Peridot asked.
“Mommy, mom.” Lapis shrugged.
“Just so long as I’m not daddy.” Peridot said. Amethyst had told her jokingly that one of them would have to be called father.
“You can be my daddy.” Lapis purred in her ear.
“Lapis, NO!”
All of that was gone now.
Hopes, jokes, plans, and three languages gone with only silence and disappointment left between them.
Peridot reached out to Lapis once they arrived back to their little home. It was a good thing that they had resisted the urge to start gathering for the nursery. Once the car was off they sat there still in silence.
“Lapis…” Peridot said at last, voice unsure in the language she had learned from her mom.
“I’m okay.” Was the reply that came too quickly.
“Are you scared?”
“Scared?” Lapis sounded genuinely confused.
“I mean, you should probably get the surgery anyway.” Peridot said quietly. They had the money and Peridot didn’t like the idea of Lapis’ menstrual pains continuing needlessly.
“I don’t want the surgery.” Lapis replied, staring out the windshield.
“What do you want?” Peridot asked gently, like Rose would ask.
Lapis was quiet but her hands rested just under her naval.
Peridot took off her seatbelt with a click and leaned in close, putting a hand over Lapis’.
“I love you no matter what is or isn’t inside you.” Peridot said quietly. Lapis nodded. Peridot kissed her temple.
“Well…” Lapis said with a sigh.
“Well?” Peridot replied.
“I suppose we should choose.” Lapis said.
“Choose what?” Peridot said.
“Boy or girl.” Lapis said.
“I thought we were supposed to do the surprise thing…”
“I mean, the adoption agencies will ask for preferences.” Lapis said with a half smile and a sniff.
Peridot gave her own small smile in return. Lapis was right, this wasn’t the end of the road. Not the end of the story. They still had adoption.
“I think I prefer a little girl.” Peridot said. “A little princess.”
“I thought I was your princess.” Lapis said.
“No one said I could only have one.” Peridot argued. “But if you do want a promotion…”
“I’ll take it.” Lapis said and gave her a kiss.
Peridot kissed her back and pressed her face in the crook of Lapis’ neck. “I’m sorry.”
“It’ll be okay.” Lapis’ voice was quiet. “Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine… Maybe this is better.” Peridot said.
“Better?” Lapis sounded surprised.
“I just… I think about myself and mom and dad and I think it’s maybe better. Adoption. I think that it’d be really great to give a home to a kid that needs it.”
The car was silent for a moment.
“You’re right,” Lapis said. “You’re right.”
Peridot sat up again, finding a genuine smile on her face. “So a little girl?”
“A little girl.” Lapis answered.