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In her 30 years of living Lily Morrow can only think of three times where she felt loss, the first was when her dog vanilla passed away, the second was when she had to fly away to korea for work, leaving her dad and her sister behind in australia, and the third was when she had to go back to australia, leaving her behind.
3 years ago
Haewon has always been a good leader, her group members can vouch for it, she’s great at variety, she’s amazing at singing, plus she’s always good at solving a problem, wheter it’s an interview problems or technical mic problems on stage, she improvises fast, her brain makes a decision in 0.1 second before a disaster happens.
So now she’s frustrated, this is a problem that doesn’t need any solving, a problem of her own, a Lily problem.
“It’s decided Haewon” Lily firmly said
They’re already 30 minutes into this argument, Lily was tired of it, she chose this because her father needs her, he’s not getting any younger and with all the heart attack jumpscare this year Lily chose to go back to australia to be with her father after the 7 years contract, she’ll find another agency after she’s sure her father is okay.
“But unnie we need you, i told you we can’t do this without you” Haewon exasperatedly says, her hands coming up to her hair as she tries to figure this out.
“Haewon we’ve discussed this a hundred times, you, Sullyoon and Bae are gonna come out with a solo albums, Kyujin and Jiwoo is busy with their duo schedules, I need this break my father needs me” Lily counters while packing the last of her items into a box
Haewon calmed down at the mention of her father, she knew this is a losing battle, the older made up her mind months ago, she ignored the crushing feeling she got whenever she thought about this day, maybe if she doesn’t acknowledge it, it won’t get her she thought, maybe if Lily remembers their promises back in the day, back when they’re two teenagers chasing their dreams she would stay
“You promised me” Haewon sat on Lily’s bed looking at her hands, fiddling with her fingers to try to distract herself so the tears won’t come out.
“You promised we’re doing this forever” she looks up at Lily on the floor, her hands stilled before turning her head to haewon.
Haewon chuckles as her tears flow freely now.
“I convinced myself i can live like this” haewon continues, it’s stupid she knows, but she thought everything will fall into place someday
That confuses Lily
“What do you…” she tried to ask before getting interrupted by Haewon crying harder, head on her hands, slouching on her bed
“Unnie i- i convinced myself i can live like this, i don’t need more, i can just stay here and not get closer as long as you’re here too.” she lets out
Lily slides herself closer to haewon, holding haewon’s knees trying to calm her down.
“Haewon you know we can’t” She whispers, tears welled up in her eyes.
She knew what they wanted was not gonna work, they never talked about it but they both knew. They both know it won’t work, both being an idol in a group in south korea, they can never jeopardize the other members career too, this too is a losing battle.
Lily holds haewon’s hands softly pulling it from her face, haewon relented but the sobs never stops.
“Haewon-ah look at me”
Haewon tries, she lifts her head trying to look back at her, tears flowing as she hiccups between her sobs, she never cried this hard, so she doesn’t know how to stop and apparently she doesn’t want to stop, her chest feels tight like someone placed a boulder on her and she can’t breathe properly.
The other girl’s hands cups her face, slowly wiping her cheeks, trying to stop the tears,trying to fix this.
“wonie, I’m sorry we’ve got to this point, I’m sorry all the what ifs won’t happen, maybe not in this lifetime.”
it’s unfair haewon thinks, it’s unfair how loving someone can make you lose everything, it’s unfair because loving her is the best thing that ever happened to her, and it’s unfair because nothing in this world truly belongs to her, loving lily is the closest thing she can call hers, and they’re taking it away from her too.
She falls to the floor and hugs her, if this is the last time they’ll ever be within this distance then she’ll close that distance for the last time, pouring all this love that cannot be given in this one moment.
Present day
Kyujin called her with the bad news 2 days ago, sobbing into the phone, dread filled up her whole body as she desperately asked her what happened, and she shouldn’t have asked, she wanted to rewind everything, she wanted to just throw her phone to the pond behind her house so she won’t get to listen to it.
“Unnie..” Kyujin tried, she tried to swallow her sobs, failing to do so
“She’s gone” Kyujin said before breaking down into more tears
“Who-who’s gone Kyujin?” She asked trying to stay calm, while her emotions just running havoc in her mind
“Haewon unnie, she-”
Her hands trembled, her phone fell to the ground in her room,
No no this can’t be happening, this is not true, she’s dreaming, she’s sure of it, a bad dream, a really fucking bad dream.
Haewon can’t be gone right?, she can’t, she wouldn’t, she’s their leader, she won’t leave them like this, she-
She scrambled to pick her phone up, hanging up on Kyujin and starts scrolling through her contacts, searching for that name, the name of her best friend, the one that has been with her half her life, the one that holds her through all the bad times, her Haewon, she calls her.
“Hello? Lily?” A girl’s voice comes from her phone, she recognized it instantly
“Unnie” Her voice came out cracked, holding in the tears
“Lily”
“Unnie tell me it’s not true…”
“Lil-”
“Tell me its not true unnie please, she’s there right? she’s alive right?”
The despair in her voice palpable, she needs the confirmation, her haewon is there, her haewon should be there, pulling a prank on her to come back, she doesn’t care if it’s a horrible prank, she just wants to hear her voice.
“She passed away, it was so sudden, she was alone in her house, fell down in the kitchen and the doctor said it’s heart attack”
“No, no, she’s healthy, she works out, she doesn’t have any heart conditions unnie, i know this, it’s not true unnie-”
“The doctor said it was her unhealthy lifestyle, the coffees, the insomnias, and she hasn’t been taking care of herself well after she moved out of the dorm”
Lily cannot believe everything she’s hearing, her ears are ringing, her eyes blurred, her heart felt heavy, and she cried, she drops to the floor wailing, her hand gripping on her phone, head planted to the floor like she’s hurt physically
She felt like everything in her life looses its meaning, if her house burned down right this second she wouldn’t even budged, she would stay so god can just take her, take her away from this pain.
She hears footsteps rushing to her room, someone yelling, asking her about what’s wrong, maybe it’s her dad or her sister but lily can’t think, there’s a hole in her heart right now and nothing can fix it, the other person holds her up ad cradle her inside their arms, she cried until she passed out.
Three years after she left they texted each other often, Haewon released her album, Lily congratulate her, texting each other often about any topics in their different life now, but with the distance and the older fully taking care of her father and Haewon’s schedule getting busier it was natural to drift apart not fully, but less late night texts, less calls.
Lily tried to be active in their group chat, congratulating everyone and sometimes Jinsol will sent pictures of french fries with an outrageous caption like “I’m eating Lily unnie”, Lily chuckles as she reminisince the days where everyone was in the dorm eating burger and french fries during their movie nights.
And now she’s here, finally here to see her, finally here closer to her and not kilometers away.
But Haewon’s not here
Haewon is not here and god she doesn’t think she can look at her and not break down.
Haewon’s parents hugs her as she arrived, she mutters condolences, her tears welled up, she hugs them back.
She saw Haewon’s sister standing closer to the coffin.
“Lily” she softly calls her, with a smile not fully reaching her eyes, clearly whatever she’s feeling right now mirrors Lily
“Unnie”
She reaches out for a hug, the other engulfed her in a hug, hand goin to her hair softly patting her head just like Haewon always did
Lily broke down right in her arms
Realizing Haewon got that habit from her, a habit that have calmed down Lily in every sleepless nights, she cries on her sister’s shoulder, the other calmly holds her, whispering “you’re alright, we’ll be alright” in her ears.
As Lily tries to gather herself up, the other wipes her cheeks while smiling.
“You know she loves you right?”
“.…”
“Haewon once told me her favorite flowers changed from tulips to lilies, with a giddy smile on her face, I understood right away what she meant”
Lily’s face grimace in pain from the sting in her heart, she left Haewon alone, the regret and the guilt will eat her up every single waking moment of her life.
She composed herself before saying thank you to her sister
She walks up to the coffin, hands trembling, she’s not ready to face this but she has to, she doesn’t have Haewon holding her hand when she’s scared anymore, she has to be brave for this
She looks down at her best friend’s face
She’s beautiful
She always is, and always will be
Haewon’s hair is wavy and long, a little brownish, she always thought haewon suits brown hair
“Haewon-ah…”
Sliding her hand softly to touch her fingers
“Your hands are cold, you should be warm, Haewon is always warm for me” She shuts her eyes as she felt tears coming again
“Wonie i love you
come back to me and let’s make the what ifs happens wonie, let’s do it, screw the public and kiss on the streets outside”
Choking back her tears, she traced her fingers to the other’s face.
“God I love you so much, i love you, in this life and in every lifetime i am yours Oh Haewon”
“Yours” she traced her fingers on the other’s lips lightly, feeling the cold skin under her fingertips.
Straightening her back, Lily wiped her tears, regrets flooding into her body, she looks back down at her.
“I should’ve kissed you” She whispers.
In her 30 years of life Lily Morrow can think of four times she ever felt loss, and she realized regret feels worse than loss.