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Billy Stebbins is completely fucking in love with Collie Parker. He's essentially an expert at it.
He knows Collie's whole schedule top to bottom, how he likes his coffee, what art supplies he uses and where to get them. He knows and has watched Collie's favorite movie, listened to his favorite songs and read his favorite books. He knows Collie's safe foods and what brand of ingredients Collie prefers when making them. He knows Collie's comfort show, the one he's seen every episode of. He knows how to brush Collie's long hair exactly right, how to get all the tangles out without pulling. He thinks about Collie, his kindness and confidence and care, horrifyingly often.
And yet, Billy is normal—calm, even—around Collie. He doesn't sit too close, doesn't touch him too frequently or too closely. He's able to keep the part of him that hungers under lock and key, behind dead-bolted doors in the recesses of his mind.
Most of the time.
1.
The first time he realizes, Billy's draped across the armchair in the living room, watching the way Collie's lips move as he mouths along to the lyrics of some song in his headphones.
Collie's laying on the couch and sketching something, big sweeping motions with a stick of charcoal. Billy had been rereading A Wrinkle in Time, but he hasn't touched the page in several minutes, too caught up in watching the way Collie's hands move, the way his hair drapes around him, the way his eyelashes fan out.
Collie glances up and Billy stares for a moment at the whites in Collie's eyes before Collie clears his throat and goes back to sketching.
The words land in Billy's mind like a sledgehammer through the skull. His brainmatter spreads all over and Billy realizes that he is in love with Collie Parker.
The rabbit, who up until now had been resting somewhat peacefully in his chest comes screaming back to life.
It says: You're not in love! You're not in love! Love is a distraction from what you're supposed to be doing. Shape up, boy!
Billy stands up abruptly and without marking his page in the book. He marches, mindfully moderating his speed, into his room before shutting the door behind him.
With it, he tells the rabbit, he's shutting out all thoughts of Collie like that, all thoughts of his lips and how they might feel against Billy's.
They both know he's bullshitting.
2.
"What the fuck!" Collie says, as Billy rolls his third Yahtzee! "You're fuckin' cheating. You rigged the dice, or something."
"I'm following the rules." Billy says. "I'm just better at the game than you."
Collie groans and swipes the dice towards him. They clatter along the hardwood floor and he gathers them into his hand. Billy typically doesn't let anyone into his room, but Collie's different, and so here he is, laying on his stomach, hair in two braids that Billy did earlier that day.
Obviously, Collie is fully capable of braiding his own hair. But he's extremely left-handed and he gets frustrated easily, so Billy braiding it is just easier. Or so Collie says.
Collie shakes the dice, lips pursed and brows furrowed in concentration, before he throws them across the floor. He rolls a straight, the dice lining up numerically. Two, three, four, five, six.
"Fuck yeah!" Collie says, beaming and marking it down on his sheet. "I need sixes, and like, three Yahtzee's and then I'll fucking beat your score. Yahtzee champion my ass."
Billy's barely paying attention to the digs as he stares at Collie's smile, marvels at his joy.
I'm in love with you.
The rabbit snaps: Focus on the game! Get it together, boy!
"What, nothin' to say?" Collie says, grinning.
"No," Billy answers easily, "Just plotting my revenge."
Collie gathers and passes the dice to him. Their fingers brush and it takes a concentrated effort to not grab at Collie's hand when he pulls it away, to touch it to Billy's lips or his heart.
I'm in love with you.
Billy shakes the dice and rolls them. He's trying to get four of a kind. He rolls three sixes, a four and a three. He pushes the sixes to the side and picks up the four and the three. Collie's started humming, a song Billy doesn't know but wanted to know every word of. God, he wants.
I'm in love with you, he thinks, listening to Collie's voice, shaking the last two dice. I'm in love with you.
He rolls them. Snake eyes.
3.
"That didn't happen in the book." Billy says. They're watching The Giver, and two of the characters just kissed. "They were both twelve."
"Jesus, Stebbins," Garraty says, "I'm aware."
"Can we just enjoy the fuckin' movie?" Olson says.
"I mean, I liked the book better too," Harkness interjects, "But I think the movie's okay so far!"
It's a bit of an odd crew at tonight's weekly movie night. Baker has a 7:00 pm lecture, Barkovitch—of all people—is at a job interview, McVries is at band rehearsal, and Collie's at work, which leaves Harkness, Olson and Garraty crammed onto the couch, with Billy in the armchair.
Billy's regarding the over-aged actor playing the main character when Collie comes storming into the apartment. It's embarrassing how fast Billy snaps to attention, watching as Collie blows past them all, face completely flat. His hands are clenched tightly around the strap of his bag as he walks into his room and closes the door behind him.
Billy stares down the hallway, considering. Contemplating, even.
The rabbit says: Don't you fucking dare. He clearly doesn't want to talk to anyone, much less you. Don't get up, boy. Don't you dare.
Billy gets up. Ignoring Garraty's "Uh…Stebbins?" and the rabbit's retaliatory kick against his ribs, he walks into the kitchen. He flips on the kettle and takes Collie's usual mug (a large black one, reading I ♥︎ Maine) out of the drying rack. They're almost out of the hot chocolate packs with the mini marshmallows, so Billy puts them on the grocery list.
Billy makes and lets the hot chocolate cool as he charges into his room. He reaches for the weighted blanket folded neatly at the foot of his bed. He pauses.
The rabbit says: This is far too much, far too intimate. He doesn't need any of this. He won't appreciate being coddled!
Billy grits his teeth and grabs the blanket anyway. He knows Collie's never gotten around to buying one for himself, even though weight helps him relax. Collie's even gotten Baker to lay on top of him on the living room floor before, as Billy tried not to seethe with jealousy in the corner.
Armed with the blanket, the mug, and one of Collie's protein bars, Billy doesn't have a hand to knock on the door, so instead he opts to kick it with his socked foot.
There's no answer at first.
The rabbit says: No shame in turning around now, boy. Save us all the trouble.
Then Collie opens the door a crack. The room behind him is almost pitch-black. The Garfield & Friends theme song plays faintly.
"Look, whatever you want, I really fuckin' can't right now—what…do you have?" Collie says, opening the door all the way.
"Hot chocolate." Billy says. "Weighted blanket. A snack. I thought you might need somethin' to cheer you up." I'm in love with you. It crawls into his mouth and tries to catch a ride on the end of his sentence. He swallows the words back down. Not the time. Never the time.
Collie looks shyly pleased, cracking a smile. "Oh. Thanks." His voice is completely flat, but Billy can tell he's not being sarcastic.
He takes the mug from Billy, before jerking his head in the direction of his bed, where his laptop sits open. "Wanna come in? I was watching—" He stutters, like there's anything for him to ever be ashamed of, "I was watchin' Garfield & Friends, but we could watch something else, if you wanted."
"I don't want to impose." Billy says, trying not to let it slip how badly he hungers to be this person to Collie, someone he can be around when he's not on. Someone he can trust.
The rabbit says: He must feel like he owes you something. Are you really going to take advantage of him like that?
"You ain't." Collie says. Shrugs. "I like being around you."
Billy feels the corners of his mouth tug upwards and he has to actively fight smiling like a lunatic. "Okay."
Collie drinks and eats first, away from his bed, before he covers himself in Billy's weighted blanket and the three other thick blankets that covered his mattress. Billy's honestly not sure how he's able to breathe, but Collie seems perfectly comfortable. Collie's laying down, so Billy lays down too, and they're side-by-side. It takes everything in Billy to not roll over and bury himself in Collie's arms.
Collie shuffles closer to Billy two episodes in, until their shoulders are just barely touching. In the flickering light of his laptop, Collie's face is soft.
I'm in love with you, Billy thinks.
Three episodes in, Collie, hesitantly, lays his head on Billy's shoulder. Billy manages not to flinch, heat radiating from his shoulder to his entire body. He feels like he's on fire, like he could get up and float away.
Six episodes in, Collie falls asleep, dark hair fanned out like a curtain. Billy, as gently as he can manage, brushes it from Collie's face.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. He thinks about pressing his lips to Collie's hairline, to his cheek or his hand.
The rabbit says: Get out! Get out! Get out!
But Collie's head on his shoulder feels like food given to a starving animal. Billy's ravenous for it. Greedily, he stays for another two episodes, distantly hearing the show, but only watching the rise and fall of Collie's chest, the way his pupils move behind his eyelids.
Eventually, he eases Collie's head off his shoulder and onto a pillow. Collie, dead to the world, doesn't stir when Billy closes his laptop and plugs it in on his desk.
Billy slips out of the room, aching, humiliated he could ever want something so badly.
4.
"It's cold as balls out here!" Barkovitch complains, shivering under his huge puffer coat and crocheted hat. The Musketeers are making the trek to a restaurant outside of their one-diner campus, but this spring day must have decided it hated them. The brisk winds cut straight through Billy's sweatshirt and jeans.
"I don' know about y'all, but I am warm and toasty." McVries declares, tucked into Garraty's side with Garraty's arm over his shoulders. He's wearing a thick, hand-knitted sweater that Garraty made him and looking very pleased with himself.
"Oh, fuck off, McVries." Olson says, bundled into an oversized sweatshirt that might be Baker's. "We're so happy for you and your fuckin' boyfriend, shut the fuck up."
McVries just hums happily. Baker and Barkovitch shiver almost in unison.
"What a dipshit state this is." Collie says. "It's too fucking cold."
"Isn't it colder in South Dakota right now?" Garraty snipes.
"You don't know that." Collie says. "It could be fuckin' balmy over there."
Garraty flips him off. Collie sticks his tongue out and Billy tracks the movement.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
Collie's shivering, Billy realizes. He's wearing a black, long sleeve shirt that must be thinner than Billy previously thought, because his whole body shakes with the cold.
Billy stares at him for a second longer.
The rabbit says: Stop that. Don't even think about it.
Billy tugs his sweatshirt over his head, baring his arms to the wind. He shakes it out and speeds up slightly, until he's walking in sync with Collie.
"Here." He says, holding the sweatshirt out. "You're shivering."
"Aren't you cold?" Collie asks, quirking an eyebrow.
"No." Billy says. It's only mostly a lie. "I don't get cold easily."
"Good enough for me." Collie shrugs, taking the sweatshirt and pulling it over his head as they walk. He pops up from the neck and pulls his hair out, and Billy considers what a colossal mistake he's just made, putting Collie in his sweatshirt. Billy's slightly taller, but Collie is broader, and so the sweatshirt is slightly tight on Collie's frame. He's beautiful. It's not even possessiveness, that makes Billy go warm inside. For a moment, they're almost…matching, like there's something that fits them together. Collie's in his clothes.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
Billy feels giddy. He feels sick. He thanks every god he can think of that he can blame the flush of his cheeks on the cold. He thinks about reaching out and holding Collie's hand. The rabbit practically flinches away from the idea.
"Thanks Billy." Collie says. Billy, for once, doesn't know what to say, and so he just nods. A few moments later, Harkness says something that gets Collie cackling and Billy is able to slink to the back of the group.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
The rabbit says: I don't even know how to help you at this point.
5.
The rabbit says: Suck it up, boy! Machines don't cry, rabbits don't cry, you don't fucking cry! Suck it up!
Billy struggles to inhale, chest stuttering. He's hunched on the floor of his bedroom, hands in his hair. His laptop says it's on Low Battery Mode and he has to muffle a scream in his hands.
The numbers on the laptop's screen are blurring, slipping away from his mind at a rapid pace. He's got an assignment due in thirty minutes and he can't do it. He just fucking can't. He has an A in the class, he could take the missing grade.
The rabbit says: It's a slippery slope, boy! Suck it up and get it done!
Billy can barely keep his eyes open. His red alarm clock clicks the numbers over to 11:23pm. He takes in a shuddering breath and scrubs his face. Shit.
He has to be awake at 5:00am the next morning, he has to get this assignment done, he has to pull himself together and get this fucking accounting degree, even if he despises math. Billy fucking hates math.
The rabbit says: Try harder, boy! It makes more sense than those awful metaphors and childish books. You're doing this for your own good.
God, what is he doing? Billy stands up stiffly. He's going to go out and get a Redbull from the fridge, or make coffee, or do something to wake himself up. Then he'll be more focused.
Billy makes it out to the kitchen silently. He's learned how to move quietly at night, how to open cabinets and fridges without making—
"Billy?"
Billy snaps to the living room, where Collie sits, looking at him with his eyebrow raised. His eyes widen as he takes in Billy's disgusting appearance. His chest is still stuttering, his vision blurring.
"Shit, are you okay?" Collie says, standing up and putting his phone down.
"I'm fine." Billy says, undercut when he tries to inhales and it makes a snort-like sound. He closes the fridge.
"Sure, jackass." Collie says, walking into the kitchen and standing in front of Billy, crossing his arms. "If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but don't lie to me."
Billy nods, cheeks flushed. He wills tears to not drop down his face. "Okay."
Collie flattens his mouth into a thin line, "Okay." Then, he nods, set on something, and says, "Sit down."
"Why?"
"Because I'm going to make you something to eat." Collie says, opening the fridge and taking out bread. "Is yours the raspberry jelly or the strawberry?"
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
"Raspberry." Billy says, still standing in the middle of the kitchen. "It's jam."
"Whatever." Collie says, taking out the jar. He begins to go through the motions of making a jelly sandwich, exactly the way Billy would have: putting jam on one piece of bread, leaving a thick margin so it doesn't escape the bread when he puts the second piece on top, cutting it into four triangles.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
Billy feels his eyes begin to water again.
The rabbit says: Suck it up, boy!
Collie puts the plate down on the table and looks at Billy pointedly. "Sit down."
Billy sits. Collie sits next to him, drumming his fingers against the table. Billy stares at the plate. He picks up a piece of jelly sandwich and takes a bite.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
Billy eats in silence, the only noise made by Collie's fingers against the kitchen table. When he finishes, Collie snatches the plate and puts it in the dishwasher.
"What do you want to watch?" Collie says.
"What?" Billy asks, feeling much further from the brink of tears than before.
Collie moves into the living room and plops down on the couch. Gestures to the TV.
"You're clearly not okay right now," Collie says, shyly deliberate in his words. "So you should pick somethin' to watch."
Billy swallows. "My comfort movies are not as pleasant as Garfield."
"Oh yeah?" Collie says. "Try me."
Billy, almost medically incapable of resisting a challenge, sits down and loads up The Woman Who Wasn't There, a documentary he's seen roughly nineteen times. It centers a woman who lied about being a 9/11 survivor, and it's been a comfort watch for years.
The rabbit says: You're going to put him off. Couldn't you have just picked something nicer?
But Collie doesn't seem put off. Instead, he's watching intently, glancing over at Billy every so often, as if to check that he's okay.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
Billy realizes that he's been watching Collie more than he's been watching the movie when Collie looks over and their eyes meet. Billy looks away, trying desperately to tamp down this newer part of him that aches to be in Collie's arms.
Friends cuddle sometimes, don't they? Even animals huddle together for warmth.
A yawn is ripped out of him. Jesus, what time is it? Almost unaware he's doing it, Billy rubs his eyes with his hands.
The rabbit says, impatiently: Don't you have something better to be doing?
Shit, his assignment. Billy stands, willing himself to have energy to calculate meaningless, ugly numbers.
"Billy, sit down." Collie says.
"I have an assignment to complete." Billy says, and figures that's about the end of the conversation.
"Get it done tomorrow." Collie says, like it's obvious.
The rabbit says: Slippery slope! Slippery slope!
"I can't get it done tomorrow, it's due right now."
"You're the only one in the whole damn apartment with straight A's, and you're a math whiz. I think you can handle havin' one late assignment." Collie says.
"I fucking hate math." Billy spits out. His eyes are watering again.
"That's okay." Collie says. "One late assignment isn't going to kill you. Sit down."
Billy sits. They watch the documentary together.
Collie chews on his bottom lip for a while before he jerks his chin and says, "C'mere."
Billy furrows his eyebrows, but he moves closer to Collie on the couch anyway. Collie's sitting sideways, leaning against the couch's arm. He reaches out for Billy, face pink and shy. Mortifyingly, Billy will follow wherever Collie leads, and so he climbs upwards until he's hovering above Collie.
It takes some finagling and shuffling around, but eventually Billy's head is resting on Collie's chest, with Collie's arm wrapped around his shoulder. Billy's skin is on fire with the touch. He feels himself go lax, Collie's heart beating a mile a minute under his ear.
"This okay?" Collie whispers.
Billy hums and nods as best he can, pressed up against Collie like this. He thinks he could just about fall asleep. The rabbit tells him to leave, to get out! but its voice is barely a sound anymore.
Collie starts drawing circles along his spine with his thumb.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. For the first time, he thinks he could say it out loud.
"I think I'm gonna change my major." Billy says instead.
Collie laughs and it sounds like a symphony, like a poem read out loud. "Yeah, it's about fucking time."
+1
It's too fucking hot out. Billy didn't know it got this hot in Maine before he got here, and he's still upset about it. Global warming, he supposes.
The Musketeers are in the quad, taking advantage of the sunshine and the first hot day in a while. Billy's sitting on the edge of the group, flipping through a book of poems but not really reading them, when Collie, who's been at a lecture, arrives.
Billy expects Collie to go to the larger group. Doesn't even blame him for it, Billy's aware he's not the best conversationalist, that it's more fun to sit with friends than the outcast of the group.
But Collie walks over. To him. And sits down.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. It's getting so bad Billy has to bite his tongue to stop from saying it out loud. He puts his book down.
"How goes the major change?" Collie asks, capturing Billy's attention like it's nothing. They haven't talked about it since Billy's half-asleep confession.
"It's goin'." He says, "My father's pissed, but I knew he would be. I'm probably going to have to take summer courses to graduate on time."
"Oof," Collie says, "Well, beats going home to your asshole dad, right?"
"I suppose. I'm…I'm excited. To be an English major." Billy says, like pulling teeth. "It's all uphill from here."
"Don't you mean it's downhill from here?" Collie says, grinning.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
Billy shrugs, "It's all Greek to me."
"What the fuck." Collie says, and laughs. He's lovely when he laughs, with all the tension gone from his face, mouth curved upwards unevenly.
The laughter peters off as Collie turns his head and looks at Billy. He's so beautiful. Oh god, they're so much closer than Billy thought they were. Collie's face is only inches from Billy's own. He wants so badly it feels like someone's carved him open, taken out his lungs and heart and stomach, taken the rabbit too, left nothing but longing in the cavity of his chest. God, Collie. Billy's eyes drift down to Collie's lips.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in—
Billy kisses him.
The rabbit says: What the fuck! What on earth do you think you're doing!?
Billy doesn't even process Collie leaning into it as he jerks away, scrambling back on the grass. Collie's staring at him, eyes like saucers, his hands hovering in mid-air. Billy opens his mouth to apologize but instead what comes out is:
"I'm in love with you."
The rabbit screams: What the fuck!
Collie continues to stare at him—and then he laughs. Big expulsions of air, smiling so wide his eyes are almost closed.
"Fuck," He gets out, between breaths, "Oh, shit."
Billy flushes, filling with shame and guilt. The rabbit's kicking so hard he thinks it might bruise a rib. He feels nauseous.
The rabbit yells: He's laughing at you! You've made a fool of yourself, fucked up this good thing! Couldn't you have kept going like this? Wanting something is better than not having anything, boy! You've fucked it up for good!
Billy stands up, shoulders almost up to his ears. He tries to apologize but he can't make himself form words. His face and neck are burning, heat clouding his mind as he turns tail and runs.
"Hey!" Collie yells after him, but Billy can't even hear him over the rabbit screaming.
You've fucked it up for good! You've fucked it up for good!
Then, Collie's there, grabbing his hand. He's so warm. Billy freezes in place.
"Jesus, dipshit. C'mere." Collie tugs and, god help him, Billy goes easily, turning back around only to be met with Collie's blinding smile. They've ended up by a small group of trees, just off the path. Billy braces himself, but Collie doesn't look mad. Really, he's beaming, holding onto Billy's hand and looking at him with soft eyes. Billy swallows.
Collie lets go of his hand and cups his face instead, only giving Billy a second to breathe before pulling him in and kissing him. Billy sighs into it, hands going to Collie's forearms.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
"I'm in love with you, too." Collie says, like a confession.
"Thank God," Billy breathes, before he leans forwards and presses his lips to Collie's again. He feels all fluttery inside, feels a little like he wants to crawl inside of Collie's skin. Collie moves his hands to Billy's hips, and Billy puts his arms around Collie's neck.
I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you.
"Oh my goodness!"
They startle apart, Collie flipping around and bumping into Billy, almost knocking him over.
Billy's eyes land on Baker, who's peeking through his fingers.
"I'm so sorry!" Baker says, standing stick-still. "We noticed you went missin' so I came to look for you."
"You found us." Collie says slowly.
"Congratulations." Billy adds, mostly to be annoying.
"Okay, I'll, uh, I'll leave y'all to it." Baker says quickly, turning around and not-quite running back to the others. Billy watches him rush back to the group and shake his head quickly when somebody talks to him.
"Jackass." Collie says fondly, turning back around to face Billy.
Billy wonders if he should offer for them to go back to the group, even if he really doesn't want to. Humiliatingly, he wants all of Collie's attention to himself, but he knows that's unfair.
"Did you—uhm," Collie starts, fiddling with the ends of his hair. His cheeks are flushed. "Did you want to go back to the apartment?" Before Billy even has a chance to tease him, Collie's rambling on, "Not to do anything! Fuck, uhm, just to hang out." He's very red now, gnawing at his bottom lip. Collie. God, Collie.
"Sure, Parker." Billy says. Collie grins and bounces on his feet for a moment before he starts walking. Billy, forgetting for a moment to move his own feet, watches him go.
"Are you comin'?" Collie asks incredulously, pausing and turning back.
Billy smirks and rushes to catch up with him. They walk side-by-side in a comfortable quiet. Billy's grateful the path is smooth, because he can hardly take his eyes off of Collie's profile. His hand twitches.
The rabbit sighs: Fine. Just do it already.
Billy reaches out, and takes Collie's hand.