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I feel like these past few months have been heavy, the routine felt harder than usual, the days seemed longer and the practices more exhausting. I felt it in the other members too, like finishing the year was becoming more draining with each passing day, and between interviews and award ceremonies all we could think about was going back home and sleeping.
I don’t even remember the last time we sat down to eat with Yongbok at the same table in peace, with so many different schedules it felt like we lived in different houses. Actually, I think neither of us has been eating properly lately, both of us ordering delivery or going to bed early.
10:30 – Will you come home today?
I think today it’ll just be me at home. It’s not like I minded being alone, I had gotten used to it at some point. But after so many years of living together as a group, I found a bit of melancholy in the solitude. The quiet, dark house makes me feel very tired, I hate feeling tired.
The one thing that never failed was coffee. A good cup of coffee at night is never ideal, but it cured my sleepiness and solved my problems. Seeing my old Italian coffee maker didn’t help at all, I don’t know why I still haven’t bought an espresso machine, they’re easy to use, fast, and they also remind me of the mornings when we used to wake up together.
-Shit.
Wishing not to want something is very difficult, and even though I know not living together was a decision we both made, I hate being, apparently, the only one having a hard time with all of this. Not being able to watch him use his phone on the couch, not seeing him casually cook and make weird faces when something is too spicy, shit, I miss everything about Leeknow.
I hear what sounds like the door code, apparently Yongbok finally arrived.
-I thought you wouldn’t come- I shouted from the kitchen.
-And I thought you understood when I told you that you were forbidden from having coffee as dinner, Kim Seungmin- a Minho with messy hair leaned against the doorframe, watching me carefully- I thought you were smarter than this.
-I’m not that hungry, so I just chose to eat something not so heavy.
-That’s not even food- he was wearing a sweater, I hadn’t seen him in a sweater in a long time, actually it seemed new. It’s been so long since I saw him in home clothes, but I thought I had memorized every piece of clothing he owned, which wasn’t hard because he almost always wore hoodies and basic t-shirts that were easy to recognize, but that sweater was… different- Isn’t Yongbok here?
-No, he’s not, he’s probably at Changbin’s place.
Minho took off his sweater and, leaving it on a chair, walked toward me, moving the coffee maker off the stove and grabbing a pan from the cabinet.
-Good. I’ll cook something for the two of us, just sit there and watch what “not so heavy food” actually looks like.
I think with time I learned that in a game of tug-of-war you can’t always win, sometimes you have to know when it’s healthy to stop pulling and fall to the ground. I just watched him for a few seconds and, without arguing, sat on a stool at just the right distance, just enough not to lose sight of any of his movements.
We talked about everything, practices, award ceremonies, interviews, and there was also that kind of silence I could only have with Minho, that comfort and calm I could only find in him. Everything I could only be with him, and everything I truly missed.
We ate, and while we were finishing cleaning up, Leeknow suddenly stared at the Italian coffee maker, with the half-made coffee still inside.
-Didn’t you say you were going to buy a new coffee machine? I thought letting me take ours was just a tactic so you’d run off and buy one of the latest models.
I avoided his gaze at all costs.
-Ours? It was a gift, keeping it wasn’t an option.
-I could return it. Anyway, I stopped drinking coffee, no one makes it for me in the mornings anymore, and Jisung never wakes up early so I barely have breakfast at home.
-I don’t really have breakfast at home either.
I know mornings meant something special to both of us, when the house was still quiet and it was just the two of us sharing a cup of coffee. Now it just became routine.
I don’t know how we ended up watching a movie together, one I insisted on watching, one I had secretly already seen, one that helped me pretend that in reality I just wanted to watch him, focused, sitting on my couch, trying not to fall asleep in the first few minutes.
-I miss this- it slipped out of me, I couldn’t hold it back or repress it- Even though I know it was the best decision not to live together, there are days when I regret it.
I don’t know what gave me the courage, maybe it helped that we were in the dark, lit only by the dim light of the TV and that he couldn’t see my ears burning red. He simply nodded as if he knew exactly what I meant, mumbled something I couldn’t hear, closed his eyes and collapsed onto my lap.
Feeling his body heat made my heartbeat almost unnatural, and even after all this time together, we never fully normalized physical contact, out of respect for the members, the staff, and Stay. For us it was never the most important thing, and let’s say Leeknow is very tsundere when it comes to love, but these glimpses where he let himself sink in, almost by accident, were my downfall.
My hands sank into his soft hair and I could feel how his muscles relaxed with just the touch.
-I thought you’d never admit that you need me more than your mother, Kim Seungmin.
I immediately pulled my hands away, threw one of the cushions I had nearby onto his stomach and threatened to move away from his touch, but right after that he grabbed my wrist and trapped one of my legs with his strong thigh, pressing me against the couch.
-You’re so full of yourself, always pretending none of this matters to you.
He turned over, leaving me trapped between his strong body and the couch, placing his legs in the spaces between mine and sliding his small but firm hands up to my waist.
-First you tell me I don’t need to worry about you, that you can take care of yourself and don’t need extra attention- his warm hands slid along my torso, dangerously close to my neck- I come here and find you starving at night- he placed one hand behind my neck and with the other moved a stray lock of hair away from my eyes- and then you look at me like a hopeless puppy asking for attention. Seungmin, you should be a little clearer, I can’t understand you.
Escaping was no longer an option, he was almost fully on top of me and his face was inches away from mine, it felt like the room was on fire, the heat was almost unbearable.
-I don’t know what you’re talking about.
-You don’t know, but your body tells me otherwise- he moved his face closer and my stomach flipped, my whole body shivered- I won’t make you beg because I missed this too, Seungminnie~
He started with a soft kiss on the edge of my jaw, moving up to the corner of my lips, his hands caressing my neck in a way that drove me crazy. We kissed, at first it was a desperate kiss that burned at the touch. I ran my hands over his back, his muscular back, and then over his abdomen pressed against mine. I couldn’t remember the last time we kissed like that, or the last time we were this close, it hurt how much I missed him.
His kisses and touches felt so damn good, they reset my brain and silenced every other recurring thought, leaving me to simply feel.
Like a bucket of cold water, the hallway light turned on and a very bundled up Yongbok walked into the living room without either of us having heard the door. We both tried to sit up in the least suspicious way possible.
But the moment my eyes left my housemate and I looked at Leeknow, who was practically a mess, messy hair, swollen lips and disheveled clothes, I knew there wasn’t much we could do to hide the situation.
-Sorry- he said almost pleadingly, trying to take off his shoes quickly, barely able to look at us- I really didn’t know Leeknow hyung was staying over tonight- he quickly crossed the room heading to his bedroom, bumping into half the things in his way- anyway I was already going to sleep, good night, sleep well or whatever.
Neither of us managed to say anything before hearing Felix’s bedroom door fully close. We looked at each other and without even processing what had just happened we smiled in silence, holding back a louder laugh.
-Should I make coffee?
—————————————————————————
We ended up at the counter, each with a cup of coffee in our hands, just looking at each other, trying to hold back laughter every now and then. I’m still not sure how I’m going to look Lix in the face tomorrow.
-Kim Seungmin…
I couldn’t stop hating and loving that sweater he was wearing again, Leeknow looked good in absolutely anything, but that sweater represented part of our distance… when did he buy it?
-mmh..
-I know that in this relationship neither of us likes to talk much about what we feel, and I also know you don’t like making a big deal out of everything- he cleared his throat with a sip of coffee- but we should talk more often about our needs, so something like what happened today doesn’t happen again.
-What do you mean?
-Do you want me to be clearer?
-I don’t know, can you?- I saw him frown, challenging me to say one more word- You say it like I’m the one always making plans with everyone, and now you come asking me for explanations?
-You say it like you’ve ever been direct about it.
-I just hate that you forget about us, do you want more honesty than that?
His eyes locked with mine, I saw a mix of anger and confusion in his gaze. Soon he stood up from his chair, left the kitchen and headed to the entrance, leaving me alone at the counter.
For a second I thought he was going to leave. I heard him come back with firm steps toward the kitchen, he walked through the door with an orange bag in his hands, circled around me and firmly placed it between my legs.
-What is this?
-I don’t know, apparently I forget about us and I’m a selfish idiot- he sat down again without looking at me, with his angry cat face- Open it, it’s for you.
When I opened the bag there was a sweater, one very similar to the one Leeknow was wearing, different colors but the same design.
-You, being a typical Korean and liking couple outfits, I thought you’d like it.
His ears were completely red from anger and embarrassment, he was staring at a fixed point ahead, completely avoiding my gaze.
-Can I be direct now?
-If you say you don’t like it I swear you won’t live to see the morning, Kim Seungmin.
-I want a kiss.
I felt my whole face turn red instantly, but even so I stood up from my stool and stepped closer to him with confidence. He looked at me from the corner of his eye and couldn’t help but smile. He turned his stool so I could stand between his legs and face him, placing his small hands on the back of my neck, catching a few short strands of hair between his fingers.
-I want a kiss too.