Work Text:
Jim barely registered how he gave the order for Dr. Marcus and Bones to come back to the Enterprise. His whole body just slumped into the captain’s chair and held onto its arms. He loved this chair, he loved being the captain but this was the first time he actually realized what this could cost him.
It had been so close. He had been so close of losing Bones. One tiny little thing that didn’t go according to plan and Bones would just be gone.
The relief that washed over him in the moment that the countdown stopped seemed gone again. His heart was pounding but Jim tried not to let it show. He put on a neutral expression, hiding the unease and fear that was roaring inside of him. It was like cold water surrounding him, freezing him to his very bones. With every second that passed he felt more stiff. He could hear Bones’ voice so clearly in his head, counting down to his imminent death. His fingers clawed into the armrest in the attempt to force this voice out of his head, only to realize that this would be the last thing that he would have had of Bones if this situation hadn’t ended as it had.
So he kept Bones’ voice, let him count down, over and over, until the very same voice interrupted his thoughts, over the comms this time though.
“McCoy to Bridge!”
Jim pushed the button next to him. “Kirk here!”
“We’re back, Jim. Meet us in medbay.”
At once Jim was standing, walking over to the turbolift, wondering how long he had actually sat in this chair motionless. Spock followed him right on the spot and for once Jim was happy that it was Spock. He wouldn’t ask any questions about emotions or feelings, just stay quiet until they arrived in medbay, at least this was what Jim expected him to do.
“Are you alright, Captain?”
His eyes shot up to Spock’s and he just stared at him for a second. “Yeah, I’m fine, Spock,” he brushed it off. Jim knew he was not fine but he still could do his damn job, this was for sure.
“You seem distressed,” the Vulcan continued and Jim sighed heavily. Now he could understand why Bones was always so annoyed when Spock opened his mouth.
“I’m just worried about this man in the torpedo. We have 72 of them on board and if there is a man in one of them, it’s only logical if the other torpedos contain people as well. We got them from Marcus. He must have known that they were in there and actually I don’t want to think about what this will mean for us.”
Spock nodded, seemed satisfied with this because he remained silent the rest of the time the turbolift needed to bring them to the right deck. The medbay was only a few meters away from the lift and with every step Jim got quicker. Before entering he took a deep breath, hopefully unnoticed by Spock.
The second he walked in, he was back in captain mode. He couldn’t let himself get distracted. What he told Spock in the lift was true. This could become a real problem real fast and Bones was safe and sound. It was over. He needed to focus on the things at hand.
“What have we got?” he asked immediately.
Dr. Marcus started to talk but Jim noticed that he wasn’t really listening. Bones appeared in his line of sight and everything was forgotten again. His heart started pounding and he needed to concentrate to pay attention. Unfortunately Dr. Marcus was already done talking when Jim was back in the here and now. He looked after her, feeling guilty that he let himself get distracted like that. So he pushed himself to do better. Shortly he shot a look over to Spock, to remind himself what they were doing here and then directed his attention to the man in the cryotube. “Is he alive?”
“He’s alive. But if we try to revive him without the proper sequence, it could kill him. This technology is beyond me.”
There he was, talking to him, in Jim’s reach. He just needed to held out his hand and grab a hold of him. It was so easy and then again, he was the captain. He wasn’t allowed weakness, he needed to focus, needed to stay concentrated on the bigger things. It didn’t matter that he almost lost his whole world, didn’t matter how he just wanted to grab Bones by his shoulders and pull him into a tight embrace. There was no time for it. Not now!
“How advanced, Doctor?” Spock jumped in when Jim didn’t react to it.
“It’s not advanced. This cryotube is ancient,” Dr. Marcus explained at once.
Jim looked at her puzzled, not really following what this was supposed to mean, until Bones started talking again. “We haven’t needed to freeze anyone since we developed warp cape ability which ... explains the most interesting thing about our friend here.” Bones looked at him. It almost felt like it was the first time since Jim walked into medbay which probably wasn’t true. “He’s 300 years old.”
Jim tried to process all of this and his mind already knew what to do: Go to Harris! Get some answers out of him!
But his legs refused to move, still listening to his heart. His heart wanted to stay, just for a minute longer.
“Captain, we should interrogate John Harris to get some more answers.” Spock suddenly stood right next to him and Jim only felt himself nod.
And then out of a sudden he shook his head. “Just give me a minute. Bones, we need to talk in private,” he turned to his CMO. Bones only raised his right eyebrow but nodded and directed Jim to his personal office. Jim had made this decision as captain. He probably should do other things right now but he needed this first. As a captain this was of utter importance so he could concentrate, so he could focus on this problem, on his ship, on his crew. He couldn’t risk that anything bad would happen because he wasn’t in his right mind, because he was still worried, no matter how stupid this was.
“What is it, Jim? I already told you everything I know about this guy. I know this is one hell of a story but-” Bones’ words died down when Jim launched forward and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend. He pulled him close in an instance, wanted to feel his heartbeat against his chest. He closed his eyes and immediately he could hear Bones’ countdown again, so sharp and clear as if Bones just started counting.
“Don’t ever do something like this ever again,” Jim mumbled and tried to drown the voice in his head.
“Jim…” Bones’ voice was soft, suprised and so full of emotion. Something Jim barely heard from his friend.
“You counted down!” The accusation lost its effect because the words were still muffled, due to the fact that Jim was still huddled against Bones’ neck. “You counted down to your death, Bones.” Jim pulled Bones even closer and finally Bones returned the gesture, laying his hands on Jim’s back.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into his ear. “But I couldn’t let her die, not when she had a chance to be saved. I counted the minutes she had left, not mine.”
Of course Jim knew that Bones didn’t want to haunt him with his counting but it felt like he counted down, accusing him of failing him. He had sent Bones on this task after all. It would have been on Jim if something had happened to Bones. And in this moment, with the countdown in the background, Jim had felt totally helpless. Against all regulations he let Carol stay with Bones, just to give him a chance.
“And I couldn’t let you die. I just couldn’t.” He took this awful risk just that Bones would have had a chance. He gambled with Carol’s life just to get Bones back. It didn’t matter that she begged him to let her stay so she could save his friend. As the captain he should have made the logical choice. But when it came to Bones Jim found it hard to stay logical.
“Hey, hey, Jim.” Jim felt how Bones retreated, pulling away from the tight embrace and Jim let him go, didn’t want to force him to stay with him, although he desperately needed him in this moment. “It’s okay,” he said, brushing his fingers against Jim’s cheek. “It’s okay, darlin’.”
Jim bridged the distance and laid his lips on Bones’. The kiss was soft and gentle, mixed with a slight longing. “I just couldn’t lose you,” he whispered again, felt the tears sting in his eyes.
“You didn’t. You didn’t lose me. You didn’t lose Carol and you did nothing wrong. You acted like a captain.”
Jim pulled back a little so he could look Bones into his eyes. “I should have beamed her back.”
A slight shake of his head came from Bones. “Maybe you didn’t beam her back to safety but you made a choice that was much more courageous. You had faith in her. It’s not only the captain’s job to ensure the safety of every single crew member. Sometimes he has to let them do their job even if it is risky. And you let her do her job and save my life.”
“But it was you.” With Bones’ life on the line there hadn’t even been another option. Jim hadn’t even thought about beaming Carol back on board. He knew that she was Bones’ only hope and he wouldn’t have denied Bones that.
“Don’t even think for one second that you would have made another choice if it wasn’t my arm that was stuck in this torpedo. Spock, Scotty, Sulu, Chekov or Uhura, anyone really. You would have made the same choice, to give them a chance.”
Jim nodded, leaned closer to Bones again. Maybe he was right. In this moment Bones had been priority and Jim was afraid that he failed his duties because Bones was too important to him but his entire crew was important. He would have done the same. Maybe he wouldn’t be so shaken if it had been somebody else but he wouldn’t have acted differently.
“I know you, Jim. You have a big heart. You are a great captain. Don’t beat yourself up over this one decision you made, especially when everything went totally fine, okay?”
Another nod came from Jim. He wasn’t able to say anything, heart stuck in his throat.
“And besides I can imagine how hard it was. If you ever would dare to die on me, I would probably drag you back from the dead.”
Jim chuckled. “Let’s hope, it will never come to this, right?”
“Hope? I fucking forbid you, kid, do you hear me?” Despite the harsh words Bones’ gaze was full of love and Jim hoped he would never let Bones go through this terror he just experienced.
“Got it, Bones.” One more time Jim stole a kiss, longer this time so that he had the opportunity to breath Bones in, lose himself in his scent. With a long sigh he pulled back, way too soon for his taste.
“You okay, Jim?”
Jim nodded softly, touched Bones’ forehead. “Yeah, I am.”
“Good. Then be captain again, make me proud.”
Jim smiled, gave Bones a quick peck on the lips. “That’s all I wanna do.” Jim turned around, took one final deep breath, straigthened his back, became Captain again.