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Sunghoon wakes up slowly, without the shrill ring of his alarm to startle him out of sleep or Jungwon's gentle fingers shaking him awake.
It takes him a second to orient himself, to recognise the unfamiliar room he's in and why he's in it in the first place.
Right. They're on a break.
He lets out a deep, satisfied groan at the thought, curling as tightly as he can under the thin cover before spreading starfish style across the bed.
Mornings like these are hard to come by. Breaks are hard to come by. Sunghoon doesn't know what type of deal Jungwon worked up with the company to give them a break in the middle of the year, but he's grateful enough to promise him his first-born child. It's the least Sunghoon can give him.
His hand flails around for a moment, trying to locate his phone. He finds it balancing just on the edge of his bed. A tap to the screen tells him it's only nine AM, but he's content with the hour.
He expected to wake up later, given the late night they had, but he should've known better. His internal clock will need more time to adjust. And time he has.
Sunghoon melts even further at the thought. If he thinks about it for too long he's going to cry.
They're on a break. A real, actual break, no filming required, and Sunghoon couldn't be more pleased with the place the company rented for them; close enough to the city so everything they could possibly want to do is near, and far enough that the chance of them being recognised is low.
They spent the first day exploring, pointing out the activities they wanted to do, eating both lunch and dinner out, before coming back to the apartment and talking late into the night.
It was the perfect way to start their break.
From the quiet all around him, he guesses everyone else is still sleeping.
Sunghoon was never the type to get back to sleep once he's fully awake though, so he stretches once more and gets up. The summer breeze slips through his open window, pleasant and cool against his skin. Unlike Seoul, there's not much noise coming through, quiet in a way that's balancing between being eerie and peaceful.
With the newfound appreciation for everything around him, Sunghoon heads to the bathroom to freshen up, then goes to the kitchen.
Jungwon is already there when Sunghoon enters.
Figures. Jungwon is not much of a late sleeper either, despite wanting to be one.
“Morning, Jungwon-ah,” he says.
He crosses the space to pull a glass from the cupboard then goes to fill it with water. It's when he takes his first sip that he realises Jungwon hasn't replied to him yet.
That is… Completely unexpected from him.
“Jungwon-ah?” He calls, taking the scene again with far more critical eyes this time.
Jungwon is sitting at the table with blank eyes. His hands are joined on the tabletop, fingers squeezing each other. His knuckles are white from the strain, and Sunghoon's own fingers throb in sympathy. There's a glass of water, half filled, just on the edge of the table–one wrong move and it would shatter on the unforgiving ground. All Sunghoon could focus on is the heavy rise and fall of Jungwon's chest.
It's easy to piece what he's seeing, to look at those faraway eyes and see the panic.
He approaches slowly, putting his cup away.
“Hey, Jungwon-ah,” he says, his tone pitched low and sweet, “are you here with me?”
There's no answer. He doesn't expect one right away.
He repeats Jungwon's name a couple more times. His heavy breathing gets faster, wilder.
“Jungwon-ah,” he calls one more time.
Panicked eyes lift to meet his own.
“Can I come hug you?” Sunghoon asks, knowing he will receive a nod before it happens.
He steps closer, deliberate in his movement, making sure to be within Jungwon's sight the whole time. When he's right in front of him, Sunghoon holds his hands, separating his painfully locked fingers one by one, gentle as he rubs some feeling back to them. With Jungwon's hands lying limb beside him, Sunghoon takes another step forward so he's in Jungwon's space and drapes one arm across his shoulders, his other hand patting his hair.
“Let's breathe, yeah?” Sunghoon hums. “Inhale for four, hold for four, and exhale for four, okay?” he doesn't wait for an answer before he starts, “let's inhale, one, two–”
To his credit, Jungwon tries. Sunghoon feels it, the stutter of his chest, how he inhales before a gasp interrupts him.
A pitiful whine leaves Jungwon. He pushes his forehead deeper into Sunghoon’s chest and brings his arms to wrap them around him. His grip lacks its usual strength. The sound shoots straight into Sunghoon's heart, makes his eyes water, but he steadies his voice. The rare times he's helped Jungwon through a panic attack, he's heard the same sound, and he's never quite known if it was due to the difficulty in breathing or Jungwon assuming he's failed to do what his hyung asked and stressing even worse because of it. Deep down, he reckons it's more the second.
“Shh, it's okay,” he cradles the back of Jungwon's head, “it's alright, it takes a minute to get there. Just breathe, Jungwon-ah.”
For a few minutes, that's what they do. He soothes Jungwon's whines and gasps, holds him like he's something precious, because he is. He takes exaggerated breath after exaggerated breath, slow and calm and steady, everything Jungwon is to them on normal days.
Sunghoon keeps going until they're breathing in sync.
“Better now?” He asks without moving, not once taking his arms off Jungwon.
Jungwon, as usual after his panic attacks, seems in no rush to move either. “Better,” he whispers, voice still raw. “Thanks, hyungie.”
It's with very little hesitation that Sunghoon leans down to kiss the crown of Jungwon's head. It seems to be the right call as Jungwon melts further into him.
“Do you wanna tell me what happened? Did something trigger you?”
They breathe once, twice, three times. The house is quiet around them, the others still asleep no doubt.
“I woke up around eight,” Jungwon eventually says, “and I completely panicked, thinking I somehow slept through all my alarms. Then I remembered where we are and instead of being relieved, I just got really overwhelmed,” his voice, which had grown thinner with each word, breaks on the last syllable.
Sunghoon's stomach twists at the sound, at the vulnerability that Jungwon allows him to see. He hugs him tighter, fingertips pressing gently into the back of Jungwon's head.
“I just–I don't understand how I panicked this bad,” a small, ashamed noise breaks out of him. Immediately, he stifles any further sound that might try to escape too, his breath hitching as he attempts to keep himself under control.
The fragile sound cracks Sunghoon's heart.
I do, he thinks. Between the pressure Jungwon himself and the company put on him and the crazy schedules they have, of course his anxiety goes into overdrive at the thought of being late. He's been conditioned into this reaction after years of scolding for the slightest error.
He doesn't voice the thought though. Instead, he whispers. “Jungwon-ah, it's okay. The whole point is that panic attacks are irrational, not something you always understand.”
Jungwon sniffles, giving no answer.
“Beside,” Sunghoon continues, changing the direction of his comforting attempts, “it gives me a chance to play the hero for a bit,” he jokes, glad to hear the watery snort he was aiming for.
“Glad to hear my stress helps your ego, hyung,” Jungwon says, his voice weak. Sunghoon hears the smile in it anyway.
“You know it,”
Jungwon responds by pressing closer to him, shoulders finally releasing some tension. Any closer and they'd merge into one person. Sunghoon finds he doesn't mind all that much.
“We have some time, Jungwon-ah,” he says, tone serious again, “it doesn't feel quite real yet, but we have it and we're using it. Don't worry about a thing.”
After a few minutes of silence, Sunghoon nudges Jungwon up and drags him to the living room. He sits them both on the couch, then pushes Jungwon into lying down, head in his lap.
“Rest some. We still have the whole day ahead, and no one's awake yet,” He tells him as he pats his hair.
Jungwon settles with ease, curling into a tiny ball beside him.
“You're going to tell the guys?” He asks. His voice is still a little raspy, but much calmer now.
“It would be for the best, no?” Sunghoon says. They both know the answer to that.
Jungwon hums, further relaxing under Sunghoon's careful ministrations. “I guess,”
“Just sleep for now. Let hyung handle it.”
It only takes a few minutes for Jungwon to fall asleep, breaths finally slowing.
Sunghoon sighs, hand still stroking Jungwon's hair. He knows panic attacks tend to throw Jungwon off for a while, but he hopes that, with the free time they have, Jungwon could bounce faster than usual. They do have plans for the day, and he doesn't want Jungwon to force himself to be okay for their sake.
Because Jungwon would. He would put his own discomfort on the back burner for them.
With another sigh, Sunghoon leans his head against the back of the couch. He'll just have to wait for everyone to wake up to discuss this.
The members come out in waves over the next couple of hours—Sunoo first, then Ni-Ki. Jay and Jake come together, bickering as usual. Heeseung is last, arms stretching high as he walks in.
He stares at the quiet room, eyes still puffy with sleep, but his gaze is sharp. He immediately focuses on Jungwon's sleeping form, studying him carefully.
“Did something happen?” He asks as he sits next to Ni-Ki.
“You could say that,” Sunghoon says with a small grimace. He steals a glance at Jungwon's peaceful face. “Found him panicking in the kitchen earlier. Full on panic attack,”
“Oh,” Sunoo says.
Everyone wilts a little at his words, eyes glued to their leader. Jungwon is the last member anyone expects to panic, let alone during their time off.
It's concerning to say the least.
“Did he tell you anything?” Jay asks. His brows are drawn together in worry,
Sunghoon explains the whole ordeal in as few words as possible.
“Damn. I thought Heeseung hyung needed a vacation the most,” Jake says, “turns out it's Jungwon,”
Heeseung snorts at his words. “We all need it, Jaeyunie. We've needed it for a couple of years now actually,”
Ni-Ki hums, melting into the couch. “What are we gonna do?”
“Nothing,” Sunoo says. He shrugs when everyone looks at him. “He hates being treated like he's delicate. Just check if he's doing fine, and we'll go ahead with our plans for the day,”
“Yeah, I don't know if I can do that,” Jay runs a hand through his hair. “I know this year's been tough, but having a panic attack because he thought he missed a schedule?”
“None of us has been this bad in a while,” Jake agrees.
Heeseung rubs his eyes. “Him not wanting to talk is part of the issue,” he studies Jungwon again, and a small smile lifts his lips as he follows Sunghoon's hand in Jungwon's hair. “At least he told you something, Sunghoon-ah,”
It's probably because Sunghoon was the one to find him, nothing more. He keeps that thought to himself though, not in the mood to argue.
“So,” Jake says, stretching the vowel for a few seconds, “what's the plan?”
Everyone turns to look at Sunghoon. His eyes widen slightly. “What?”
“You're on a roll today,” Jay says, “might as well keep it going,”
Ni-Ki chuckles at his expression. “I don't know why you're so surprised. Jungwon hyung opening up to you is pretty big,”
“Careful, Heeseung hyung is gonna get jealous,” Sunoo wiggles his eyebrows.
“Yah!” Heeseung protests loudly, making the others laugh.
It's enough noise to wake Jungwon up.
Sunghoon feels him stiffen slightly, pressing his forehead into Sunghoon's thigh before relaxing again. He doesn't sit up right away, so he lets Jungwon pretend to sleep for another minute as Heeseung tries, rather weakly, to defend himself.
When the noise dies down a bit, Jungwon sits up. “You guys are so loud,” he groans, trying to look annoyed when it's clear he isn't.
Heeseung has the decency to look a little sheepish.
“You okay?” Sunghoon asks.
Jungwon stays pressed close to him, which no one comments on. It's not out of the ordinary for him to seek contact when he isn't feeling his best.
“Yeah, of course,” he answers easily.
No one says anything. Jungwon surveys the members. He lingers on Jay, who wears his worry like a badge of honour, not even trying to pretend to be anything but.
Jungwon softens, just a bit. “I'm really fine. A panic attack isn't the end of the world,” he says.
His hand finds purchase in Sunghoon's shirt. His face gives nothing away. If Sunghoon hadn't been there, hadn't held him throughout the panic, he wouldn't have known anything was wrong.
Jungwon is a good actor in that way.
The members don't seem as convinced as Jungwon wants them to be. His fingers tighten around Sunghoon's shirt, jaw ticking just so, before he does what he usually does best; direct the conversation away from his feelings.
“Should we eat breakfast here or go out? I'm hungry,”
And that's that.
The next day, when Sunghoon wakes up and leaves his room, Jungwon isn't up. Or if he is, he hasn't left his room yet, a good sign all the same. Even if he's not sleeping, he's resting, which is all Sunghoon could ask for.
The morning passes, syrup slow and glowing with the sunlight streaming from the windows. He's gonna have to close them by noon, the sun will bring too much heat, but he's content for now.
The members filter in one by one, on various levels of awareness. By noon, everyone is gathered in the living room.
Everyone except for Jungwon, that is.
“That's not normal either,” Sunoo notes his absence as he kicks his feet into Jay's lap.
Sunghoon hates that he agrees. Although they're all prone to sleeping late if given the slightest chance, it usually takes Jungwon's body a couple more days to adapt. He also would've heard the members out and about, and he wouldn't stay holed up in his room.
“Give him half an hour,” Heeseung doesn't look up from his phone. “if he's not out by then, we'll check,”
Half an hour still seems a lot to Sunghoon. He has no reason to object though, so he nods and stays where he is.
Fortunately, Jungwon enters the living room a mere ten minutes later. Unfortunately, he looks terrible. His hair is tousled, sticking in all directions, and his eyes are half-lidded and tired, cheeks flushed; not the rosiness of sleep, but something ruddy and sick.
He almost looks lost as comes closer, unable to choose where to sit. It's a quality he only sees in Jungwon when he's sick, this indecisiveness.
“Hey,” Sunghoon says as he gets up to reach for Jungwon, “you okay? You don't look so good,”
Jungwon blinks at him slowly. His eyes are glassy, not entirely there.
“I think so,” Jungwon says. His voice is scratchy, making Sunghoon wince.
“Yeah, no, you're definitely sick, Jungwon-ah,” Heeseung says, also standing up. He presses his palm gently to Jungwon's forehead, and watches as he leans into the touch. “Aigoo, you have a fever,”
Heeseung pulls back, clicking his tongue. “Can you guys look around to see if there's a thermometer? I wanna know how bad of a fever we're dealing with,”
Sunghoon grabs Jungwon's hand and leads him to sit down, and Heeseung follows, sitting on the other side.
Jungwon latches on to him as soon as he sits, pressing his warm forehead into the side of Sunghoon's neck. A fine tremor wrecks through his frame. Sunghoon wraps his arm around him with a deep frown.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
“Like I've been hit by a bus,” Jungwon says against his neck, his words hard to comprehend with how his voice cracks.
Sunoo winces in sympathy. “Yeah, you look it too, Jungwonie,”
Jake slaps him hard on the arm, hissing his name. Sunghoon takes his words as a win when Jungwon huffs a tired laugh.
“Shooting me while I'm already down. That's real low, hyung,”
None of them is given a chance to respond as Jay comes back with a thermometer in hand. “Found one in the first-aid kit. I sanitized it, don't worry,”
He sits next to Sunghoon and taps the device against Jungwon's lips. Jungwon gives him a flat look that would be funny any other day, but he complies nonetheless, opening his mouth and sticking the thermometer under his tongue.
It peeps after a few seconds.
Jay lets out a low whistle. “38.6, what the hell, Jungwon-ah?”
Ni-Ki winces in sympathy as Jungwon grumbles and buries his face in Sunghoon's neck again. “Hyung, that sucks,”
“Tell me something I don't know,” Jungwon mutters.
“Jungwon-ah, I love you so much, but if you give me your germs, I'm kicking your ass back to Seoul,” Sunoo jokes, though he does actually scoot back a bit.
“Should've thought about that before we shared a water bottle yesterday,”
It sends everyone into giggles as Sunoo moans about being away from his precious supplements and vitamins.
Jungwon groans at the noise.
“Does your head hurt?” Heeseung asks. His hand automatically moves to squeeze the base of Jungwon's neck.
The rest fall quiet at his question. The joking atmosphere melts into something softer, more concerned.
“Hm,” Jungwon relaxes under the pressure of his fingers. “A little bit. It's not so bad,”
“How about this, hm?” Jay starts, “I'll make you something real quick so you can eat and take some paracetamol, and then you go back to sleep. Is that okay?”
Jungwon's fingers spasm and relax around Sunghoon's shirt. “Not in my room,” he says.
“Huh?”
“I'll sleep here,” Jungwon clarifies, “not in my room. I need to spread my germs to Sunoo hyung,”
“Yah!” Sunoo shouts, going for an offended tone that doesn't work with the laugh intercepting his tone.
Everyone else laughs too. Sunghoon, however, can only manage a tiny smile. He can see beyond Jungwon's joke, the slight anxiety that comes to him when he's sick, the need to be around other people. He's not going to comment though. Whatever keeps Jungwon comfortable.
The members disperse soon after, trying to avoid overwhelming Jungwon.
Jungwon himself has not moved from his spot in Sunghoon's arms, and the warmth radiating from his forehead has grown to be uncomfortable. Sunghoon only holds him closer.
After the quick breakfast–more like brunch, really–Jay promised, Jungwon promptly lays down with his head in Sunghoon's lap, and falls asleep.
Ni-Ki, in his infinite care, brings out a thin blanket and covers Jungwon with it, tucking the edges around him. Much to Sunghoon's amusement, Ni-Ki looks two seconds away from patting Jungwon's hair, but in an astounding show of restraint, he holds back.
The rest of the day passes peacefully.
Jungwon sleeps on and off, always waking with a quiet groan, alert and ready to tease at any given moment, especially if Jay and Sunoo are in his general vicinity.
He whines a little when Sunghoon has to get up. Sunghoon almost sits back down, bathroom trip and numb legs be damned, but Jake laughs beside him and switches spots without asking. Jungwon settles again with minimal grumpling, sending the most adorable death glare to Sunghoon.
By the end of the day, the fever doesn't go down, but it doesn't rise either. Sunghoon chooses to see that as a good thing.
Hopefully, it will be down by the morning.
The fever is not down by morning.
Sunghoon wakes just as early as the previous two days. He washes up and heads straight to Jungwon's room. There's no point in waiting in the living room to see how Jungwon is doing when he can head straight in there and check.
He's greeted by Jay sitting in a kitchen chair next to Jungwon, feet kicked up to the edge of the bed. From where he's standing, Sunghoon can't quite see Jungwon, just Jay and the bowl of water on the bedside table.
His heart drops at the sight.
“Hey,” he whispers.
Jay turns to look at him, face an alarming mixture of exhaustion and concern. “Hey,”
“How's Jungwon?” He asks as he steps closer.
Jay doesn't have to answer; the way Jungwon looks speaks for itself. His cheeks are flushed, two red spots glowing over his otherwise pale face. He's breathing through his mouth heavily, chest almost heaving, and his eyes flutter as he lays there half asleep. In the few hours they've been apart, the air in the room has gone stale, reeking of illness.
The most damning evidence, however, is the damp rag Jay placed over his forehead. It doesn't seem to be helping all that much.
“I came to check on him like, an hour ago, and his fever is up. 39.1,” Jay says with a grimace.
“Should we… Shouldn't we take him to the doctor?”
Jay rubs his face, expression souring further. “He doesn't want to,” he says, “I'm giving it one more day before I haul his ass to a clinic myself,”
Sunghoon studies Jay closely. “Jay-ah,” he starts, “you okay? You seem more frustrated than necessary,”
“Just feeling shitty for him. He was really looking forward to this break,” he shakes his head, as if that will clear his thoughts. “Can you sit with him for a bit? I'm gonna go see if we have enough ingredients to make some soup,”
“Yeah, of course,”
Sunghoon squeezes Jay's shoulder on his way out, receiving a tiny, strained smile in return.
He sits in the chair Jay evacuated. This close, Jungwon looks even worse. He doesn't quite understand what kind of illness develops this fast and he's not sure he wants to.
Sunghoon pokes at the rag, and seeing that it's not as cool as he'd like it to be, takes it off Jungwon's forehead to dunk it in the bowl beside him. He squeezes the excess water before placing it back.
As soon as he does, Jungwon shudders, eyes fluttering open. Sunghoon's stomach twists at the absent look in his eyes.
“Sorry,” he says. Jungwon only blinks at him. “Jay-ah went to make something to eat. Sleep some more until he's done, you need to rest,”
He's not sure if Jungwon caught on to what he said or if he's too tired to stay awake, but he does as told, eyes slipping shut again. He shudders once more, making Sunghoon pull the cover higher over him until it's resting just below his chin.
Sunghoon leans back into the chair and releases an even breath.
He can't remember the last time he's seen Jungwon this sick, and it makes his chest tight. Any member being sick is a cause of concern, but the maknaes get that special worry that they all hate and lean into at the same time.
He spends an hour fretting over Jungwon, wetting the rag regularly, until Jay comes back with a tray holding three steaming bowls.
“Heeseung hyung and Sunoo are awake, but I told them to stay away for now,” he says, “we're probably all sick already, but better stay safe,”
He hands the tray to Sunghoon, leaving the room and returning with another kitchen chair and a water bottle.
“Let me wake him up,” Jay says.
“Shouldn't we let him sleep?”
It's not like Jungwon's sleeping well, but at least he's sleeping.
“I don't want him to get dehydrated. And he should take another dose of paracetamol, the last one was yesterday afternoon,”
Sunghoon concedes and watches Jay shake Jungwon awake.
They help him sit up and place the bowl in his hands. He's shaking, but manages to get a good hold on the bowl and start eating.
He barely finishes half of his portion before he grimaces and pushes the bowl away.
Jay takes it out of his hands without commenting, only sighing in defeat. They could never get Jungwon to eat properly when he's sick, his stomach always a bit too sensitive and nausea hitting at the barest hint of spice.
“Drink some water, baby,” Jay hands him the bottle, then the paracetamol.
Sunghoon almost laughs. The baby talk came out much earlier than expected.
Once that's done, Jungwon lays back down, drifting into sleep within minutes.
“He's abnormally quiet,” Sunghoon says.
Jay hums. “His throat is bothering him. He was coughing a bit this morning, nothing serious though,”
Oh. That explains… A lot.
“What do we do now?” He asks. “I don't feel comfortable going out while he's like this. I mean, he's not dying or anything–”
“I get it,” Jay huffs a small laugh. “I wouldn't go anywhere either. If the rest want to go out, that's fine, we can tag-team watching over him,”
Sunghoon nods. “Yeah, I can get behind that. I'll go tell Heeseung hyung,”
He stands up and stretches, the chair doing his back no good.
“Can you grab a couple more water bottles?”
“Yeah, sure,”
When he gets into the living room, he finds everyone awake. A glance at the clock tells him it's almost twelve, so he's not surprised.
“How's Jungwon hyung?” Ni-Ki asks
Sunghoon grimaces a bit. “A little worse. He ate and took the meds though, so hopefully he'll be better in a few hours,” the relief is palpable on everyone's face. “If you wanna get out, Jay and I are planning to stick here, so Jungwon isn't alone,”
“No, it's fine,” Jake waves him off. “We'll stay in for now and go out later,”
There're murmurs of general agreement from the rest.
Sunghoon gives them a grateful nod and continues to the kitchen to grab what Jay asked.
The rest of the day passes similarly, unhurried and quiet.
Jungwon stays the same, mostly sleeping, and wakes up with those tired eyes that tug on Sunghoon's heartstrings.
At some point, Jay wakes him for a late lunch. He's a bit more lucid, but the fever and inconsistent sleep take down some of his defences.
He stirs the soup Jay made him, glancing at his hyungs and chewing on his bottom lip.
"Have you been here the whole day?" He asks.
Jay hums. "Yup. Everyone is here, but I told them to stay away for a while so you can sleep,"
Jungwon shoves the spoon in his mouth, as if stopping himself from saying something. It seems that he can't help himself though, since he blurts, "you could've gone out,"
At the incredulous looks he receives, he cringes a bit.
"You–" he starts, then swallows thickly. "We were gonna go bowling. You should've went there. I'm fine,"
"Yeah, that's not gonna happen," Jay says in a flat tone that he almost never uses with Jungwon. "We're not leaving you alone, so don’t even try,"
They continue eating in silence. Sunghoon feels his stomach twist at the way Jungwon avoids looking at them, knowing there's more to this than Jungwon is willing to admit now.
They will talk about it later, he vows to himself.
They don't talk about it later because Jungwon gets worse.
The fever climbs up to 39.4, and Jungwon can barely lift his head when Heeseung comes in to check on him after Sunghoon has called him.
Heeseung takes one look at him and says, “we should get him in the shower. Right now,” his mouth is set in a grim line. “Jay-ah, you think you could do it?”
Jay is somewhat startled.
“I think he'd trust you the most with that,” he adds, as if trying to convince him.
Jay shakes his head. “He'd trust all of us, you know that,” He runs a hand through his hair. “But yeah, of course. I'll go tell someone to fill the tub.”
He leaves for a few minutes that Heeseung spends stroking Jungwon's hair. The younger has fallen back to the same uneasy sleep he's been in and out of lately, cheeks flushed and bangs stuck to forehead.
Once Jay is back, he wakes Jungwon up, even though he doesn't want to. His eyes hold the same look from the past two days, unfocused and tired and not all that present.
It's a slow process, getting him to stand up. It's not like Jungwon is complaining or making things hard–which would make them feel better, honestly–but he's so fevered and sick he can barely hold his weight. When they do manage to get him up, he slumps into Jay, who wraps his arms around Jungwon's waist with a grimace.
“What?” Heeseung asks.
“He's warm. Concerningly so,” he says. Jungwon answers by weakly pushing closer to him.
Heeseung brings out a towel and a fresh set of pyjamas and underwear. “I mean, that's the whole point of the bath, no?”
“Yeah, but still. He shouldn't be this warm after all these rounds of fever reducers and cold compresses. If this doesn't work–”
“–which hopefully will,” Heeseung says through gritted teeth,
“Hopefully, yeah, but in any case, we should be ready to take him to a clinic whether he likes it or not,”
Neither says anything else as they head to the bathroom. Just as they reach it, Sunoo opens the door. He nods his head to them, eyes glued on Jungwon.
“Tub's full. I put his shampoo and conditioner there, if you think he's up for it,” he says.
Heeseung pats his hair, ignoring the indignant look he receives. “Thanks, Sunoo-yah,” he turns to Jay, “you go in now. If you need anything, just shout, I'll be in the living room.”
“Thanks, hyung,”
Heeseung holds the door open for him, letting him step in with Jungwon before closing it. True to Sunoo's words, the tub is full, and Jungwon's toiletries are lined on the shelf under the shower head.
Jay leads Jungwon deeper into the bathroom, makes him sit on the closed toilet lid.
“C'mon, baby, let's get you out of these clothes,” he says.
He pulls the sweater over Jungwon's head, then the tank top he has underneath. To his credit, Jungwon tries to help where he can, lifting his arms to ease the process, even though he's shivering in the cool bathroom.
“Up you go,” Jay gets him to stand and pulls his sweatpants down, helping him step out of them. His hands hover nearby. “Can I take your underwear off?”
It takes a few seconds for Jungwon to shake his head no.
“Alright,” he grabs Jungwon by the forearms. “Let's get you in there,”
The water sloshes gently as Jungwon steps in. He lets out a small whimper at the water temperature, yet he doesn't resist as Jay helps him sink into the tub. The water just about reaches his sternum. Jay watches as he pulls his knees to his chest, breaths heaving and teeth chattering.
It breaks Jay's heart to see him like this, despite knowing it's necessary for his health.
Jungwon's eyes flutter shut and he goes to rest his head against the side of the tub.
“Ah, wait, wait, Jungwon-ah,” Jay says and lays his arm on the cold porcelain so Jungwon can lean his head on it instead.
He can feel the heat radiating from Jungwon's face through his sleeve. It doesn't bother him so much as it concerns him.
Mostly, Jay just feels bad for him. Jake was right, Jungwon has probably needed this break the most out of everyone. He's been running on fumes, even worse than them, with all his duties as their leader. All those extra meetings, tasks, the burdens he's had to carry in silence.
And now, instead of enjoying a bit of free time, he's sick, bound to bed because he can barely get up.
It's not fair on him. He should be out in the backyard, messing around, warm from the sunbeams not fever.
Jay sighs. He focuses back on Jungwon, still leaning on his arm. The underside of his arm has grown numb from the porcelain, but–he notes with relief–the upper side is not overly warm. When he looks at Jungwon's face, it is nowhere near as flushed as it was when they got in, and his posture has relaxed. He's not asleep, but calm.
“That must feel better, yeah?” He says as he presses the back of his hand to Jungwon's forehead. It's still warm, just a little bit.
“Yeah,” Jungwon croaks.
He lifts his head, the move slow and deliberate. His eyes are alert, not as sharp as normal, but better than the last two days.
“Think you can you handle a proper hair wash?” Jay asks.
Jungwon blinks slowly. “I think I can manage,”
Jay clicks his tongue. “I asked if you could handle it, not if you can do it,”
He receives another slow blink. It has no right to be as adorable as it is considering the circumstances.
He supposes it's one of those things; no matter what's going on, Jungwon will always be cute.
“C'mon,” he says with a small chuckle, “let hyung take care of you,”
Ignoring his aching knees, Jay stands and reaches for the shower head. He turns the water on and gestures to Jungwon.
“Tilt your head back, please,"
Although Jungwon still looks bewildered, he does as told. Jay brings the shower head to wet his hair, gently running his fingers through the strands, detangling what he could with water.
He closes the tap and grabs the shampoo bottle, pouring some into his hand. He works the product into Jungwon's hair, and he can't help but to laugh at the tiny groan Jungwon lets out as he massages his scalp.
“How's that for a vacation, hm?” He teases.
He's not sure what response he expects, but it's not Jungwon tensing under his hands.
“Jungwon?” he questions.
Jungwon shakes his head, not saying a word.
Jay frowns and keeps going. He rinses the shampoo, repeats the process with another round, followed by conditioner. He digs deeper, and his fingers drag down to the base of Jungwon's skull too, rubbing and releasing the knots in his neck.
No matter how hard he tries, Jungwon doesn't relax entirely.
“All done,” he whispers after a few minutes. “Can you finish showering or would you like me to stay?”
“I can do it,” Jungwon whispers.
Jay concedes. “I'll be right outside, okay?”
He goes to stand up, but a hand around his wrist stops him.
“Do you need anything, baby?” He asks.
Jungwon shakes his head. He seems at a loss for words for a moment, then he swallows thickly. “Thank you, hyung,”
Gently, Jay pulls his wrist out of Jungwon's hand to hold it properly. “Don't even mention it,”
There are much more drastic measures he'd take for Jungwon. Jay keeps that thought to himself, sensing that Jungwon is overwhelmed as it is right now without these loud, albeit sincere, declarations.
“I'll wait for you,” he says instead, and waits until Jungwon nods to leave.
It takes about ten minutes for Jungwon to finish up, letting Jay lead him back to his room.
It's been aired out, the sheets changed. He doesn't think that Jungwon notices, slipping under the blanket with a deep groan.
There's also some plain rice and soup at the bedside table that Jungwon manages to eat a few spoonfuls more than the last couple of days. When he lays to sleep, he still seems exhausted, but less sick.
It stays that way for a while. But eventually, the fever comes back with full vengeance.
“39.3,” Heeseung says with a grimace after the thermometer beeps.
“How the hell did it get even worse?" Sunghoon looks equal parts worried and frustrated. “Like, genuinely,”
Jay runs a hand through his hair. “It's worse than we thought,”
He looks at Jungwon, who's curled under his blanket and breathing heavily. His bangs are plastered to his forehead again, the effects of his shower long gone.
“Jay, get dressed, Sunghoon, wake Jungwon up and get him dressed,” Heeseung says, “I'm not waiting out this fever any longer,”
Somewhere around dawn, Jungwon wakes up.
Heeseung doesn't notice right away, eyes glued on the game he's playing on his phone. He doesn't expect Jungwon to wake up now either, given the combination of meds the doctor gave him for what turned out to be a nasty case of flu and dehydration.
He does, however, notice when Jungwon turns with a quiet groan, switching from lying on his back to the side.
“Jungwon-ah?” He whispers.
Jungwon only looks at him. There's an unexplainable shine in his eyes, one that makes Heeseung's instincts go haywire for some reason.
“What time is it?” Jungwon asks. His voice is thick.
For a second, he hesitates. “It's about four AM. You should get some sleep.”
To his horror, tears fill Jungwon's eyes. His hands are shaking when they come up to cover his face.
Heeseung slips down his chair to kneel on the floor, as close as he can get to his dongsaeng. “Hey,” he coos, heart in his throat, “what's wrong, are you in pain?” He takes Jungwon's hands into his own, gently removing them from his face to see him. His already flushed face is redder, tears stuck to his lashline by his sheer stubbornness and his refusal to cry over most things.
“Hyung, I'm sorry,” he gasps, “I'm sorry,”
“What are you even sorry about, silly?” He squeezes Jungwon's fingers.
“We were meant to rest and have fun,” Jungwon sniffles, “and you're all stuck taking care of me.” It seems like there's more he wants to say, but he swallows his words instead.
Heeseung can only guess what self-loathing, cruel statement was going to come out of his mouth.
He sighs, not frustrated or angry at Jungwon, just tired. Just wishing that Jungwon would stop blaming himself for things that are not his fault, that Jungwon would offer himself half the kindness he gives them like free candy.
His knees click when he stands, but he pays them no mind. “Move a little, please.” He says.
He pulls the covers back and winces at the involuntary shiver that racks through Jungwon's frame, offering a whispered apology. Heeseung lays down on his side, then gathers Jungwon in his arms. Heat radiates from him in a way that makes Heeseung uneasy, yet he ignores the feeling to pull the covers over them again.
It's instinct, the way Jungwon curls into him, head burrowed into his chest. It's instinct too, to wrap his arm around Jungwon and hum softly into the still night.
Jungwon breathes in a shaky rhythm, fingers restless on Heeseung's shirt, like he wants to hold on but doesn't know if he's allowed to. The ache growing in Heeseung's chest extends its branches to his throat, pokes at his eyes and makes it all burn.
There's something about Jungwon being weak and vulnerable that causes this deep hurt in him. Maybe it's him being one of his maknaes, young and full of life, that it's painful to see him ill. Maybe it's because he's their leader, their pillar, that the pain he shares with him makes Heeseung acutely aware of the pains he doesn't.
Maybe it's just him being Jungwon. And Jungwon is so easy to love and adore, easy to hurt when he's hurting.
Heeseung sighs again, from somewhere deep in his chest. “Jungwon-ah,” he begins, softening when Jungwon's breath hitches like he's waiting to be reprimanded. “This break is meant for all of us. We're not gonna go fuck around when you're sick and fighting this bad of a fever.”
“But–”
“No buts. How are we even meant to go out and have fun when you're not with us? We'd be worried out of our minds.”
Jungwon sniffles again.
“And you shouldn't be sorry about us taking care of you,” he says, hugging Jungwon closer. “That's the bare minimum of friendship,”
“It's too much,” Jungwon whispers, “you're sitting with me at four AM during a vacation. Jay hyung helped me bathe, as if I was a helpless child. That's not the bare minimum,”
“Even if it isn't, I don't see why you're sorry,”
“I'm being a burden,”
Heeseung has to take a deep breath. Is that what Jungwon thinks of himself, he wonders, and his heart sinks at the realization that, yeah, Jungwon isn't as kind to himself as he'd like.
“It always feels bad,” Jungwon continues, taking Heeseung's silence as space to explain himself. “like an inconvenience, an issue, a burden. I hate when I mess up things, and when you have to adjust outings or schedules because of me,”
There's always been an inkling that Jungwon might feel this way. Heeseung could never pin it down, because Jungwon is good at hiding in plain sight, so good at plastering a smile and deflecting when prodded. But the fever has taken some of his defenses down.
He thinks about Jungwon refusing to miss a single schedule, taking too many painkillers and vitamins just to keep going.
He thinks about the smaller things too; the quick flashes of panic when Jungwon thinks he's not learning choreography at their pace, or his unsure smiles and quiet demeanor when he messes up a game for his team.
He needs to tread this carefully.
“And why is that, baby? Hmm?” he asks.
There's no answer from him, only more tears.
“So what if it was Ni-Ki who's sick? Or Sunoo? Would they be our burdens too?” Heeseung strokes his hair, not caring for the sweat slicking it.
“You can't trick me like this.” Jungwon hiccups. “I've already used this tactic on Jay hyung and Jake hyung when they were being stupid.”
The laugh that comes out of Heeseung's mouth is not intentional.
“So you admit it? That you're being a little stupid?” He teases gently.
Jungwon shakes his head without saying anything.
“You know, there's a reason this tactic works,” he says, back to being serious. “You wouldn't treat any of us the way you treat yourself. You wouldn't see us as inconveniences or burdens. You'd just take care of us.”
“But it's not supposed to be like this,”
“Like what?”
Jungwon opens his mouth and closes it a couple of times, like he can't decide what to confess. His breathing hitches again.
“You taking care of me. I'm supposed to do that myself,” he settles on saying.
Heeseung arches an eyebrow even though Jungwon can't see it. “And why is that?”
“Because that's my whole thing,” he whispers, “being as low maintenance as possible.”
The words sit heavy between them.
Heeseung nudges Jungwon back to look directly at him. He still looks sick, now with this devastating layer of insecurity that forms a lump in his throat.
He takes Jungwon's small face between his hands, fingers cradling his still warm cheeks.
Jungwon never once looks away, even when a new wave of tears fills his eyes.
“Jungwon-ah, baby, I want you to listen to me very carefully, yeah?” He says, delicate but firm. Jungwon nods into his hands, the barest dips of his chin. “No one is low maintenance. No one ever is and no one ever will be. We're social beings. We need to take care of each other. To different degrees, yes, and some of us do need less attention, but we need it all the same. Anyone who thinks otherwise is probably lonely. And that's really sad.”
Feline eyes blink at him. It sends some tears down Jungwon's cheeks, ones that Heeseung catches with his thumbs.
“And you are never an inconvenience. We take care of you because we want to. Because you're precious to us, and we love you,”
“I know you do, but–”
“Always the ‘but’ with you,” Heeseung chuckles, tapping Jungwon's nose lightly. “There's no buts in what I said. We take care of you because we love you.”
“I know,” Jungwon says again, but doesn't elaborate on much else.
“I know it's hard,” Heeseung softly tells him, “to let people in. I know you're independent and capable, but that doesn't mean you never get to ask for help. We're a team, a family, and that's what we do. We take care of each other.”
“It's just–” Jungwon begins, then stops.
Heeseung lets him sit in his thoughts for a minute. He moves one hand to tuck under his cheek, the other tenderly pushing Jungwon's hair behind his ear.
“Is it bad,” Jungwon eventually asks, “that I don't want you to worry about me on top of everything else? If I can just take care of myself, that's one less thing for you to stress about.”
He looks at Heeseung with those earnest, wide eyes, vulnerable in a way he hasn't allowed himself in a long time.
Heeseung swallows, words getting stuck for a moment.
“I think,” he starts, then pauses for a moment, trying to string the right answer. “I think that you're still not quite getting it, baby. We're going to worry about you regardless. Whether you hide from us, or if you tell us when you're sick and hurting. It comes with love, you know? It's not just a word, it's the action and responsibility we have to each other.
“And you're not just ‘one more thing’ we worry about, you're the priority. If you're out of commission, everything else falls second so we can take care of you. So let us. Let us be there for you,”
They stare at each other for a while. Heeseung feels like he should say something more, a better phrasing, a more profound speech. But simplicity has always worked best for Jungwon. Heeseung almost sees it, the way the words settle in Jungwon's head, how they grow careful roots, hesitant but strong.
He sees the realization that dawns on Jungwon, the reluctant acceptance. His softening shoulders, the lighter breathing.
And then, with his shy demeanour and tentative gaze, Jungwon leans towards Heeseung. He moves closer, burying his head in Heeseung's shoulder. His hand grabs the fabric of his shirt, his fingers still shaking.
“Please take care of me,” he whispers.
Heeseung kisses the top of his head. “You never had to ask.”
Heeseung isn't entirely sure when they fall asleep, but when he wakes up, sunbeams peak through the curtains.
Jungwon is still curled into him, still holding his shirt, but only just. His fingers have loosened in sleep, or perhaps after Heeseung told him he's loved, feeling safe enough to let go, and safe enough to stay close because he’s starting to understand that he's not a burden.
His breathing has deepened as well, and his body is no longer uncomfortably hot. There's this gentle peace about him, like the only thing he needed for his immune system to kick back into motion is to hear these quiet reassurances and ease his mind.
Perhaps it was.
And Heeseung knows that one fever-addled conversation will not erase however long Jungwon has held onto these doubts, but it's a start.
(Later, Jungwon wakes up, far more alert than he has been in days. He lets Heeseung help him sit, then slowly stand just to test his strength, choking out a quiet thank you. He's not ashamed or embarrassed, just unused to letting someone in.
They join the others for a late breakfast. Jungwon allows Jay to fill his dish, a smaller portion, blander than usual, because Jay knows his stomach is the last thing to bounce back when he's sick. Jay waves him off when he offers another thank you, his smile bright and fond and relieved.
“Oh,” Ni-Ki exclaims after a few minutes of quiet eating, “Jungwon hyungie, I'm putting a laundry load and getting your bed sheets and pillow cases. You can sleep in my room if you're tired after breakfast.”
Heeseung watches Jungwon pause. He swallow thickly, eyes darting around until they meet his. He only offers a small nod.
“Okay,” Jungwon says. His hand shakes around his chopsticks, a minute tremor that Heeseung sees because he's looking for it. “I'd really appreciate that. They felt pretty gross when I woke up, and I don't want to lay on them again,”
It gives everyone a pause, so unused to Jungwon admitting these things. But then the moment passes with secret smiles and pointed looks at Heeseung, ones he shakes his head to.
Ni-Ki breaks into a gentle smile, one that is exclusive to Jungwon. “You only had to ask, hyung,”
“I…” Jungwon hesitates for a moment “I'm learning that I should.” His eyes lock in on Heeseung again. “And I'm learning that sometimes, I don't have to ask, I just need to let it happen.”
It's a start, Heeseung thinks again. And it's a good one at that).