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An’s heart was racing in her chest. Her breath caught in her throat as she desperately tried to compose herself. This was stupid. This was so stupid and so pathetic. The more she tried to calm herself down the deeper her brain spiralled. She wasn’t having a full panic attack, not yet; though she would surely be barrelling herself right into one if she didn’t calm herself down right then and then.
This whole issue started out of nowhere. She was just in bed, watching a few videos she enjoyed before going to bed - something she’d been berated for previously, but never paid mind to. - She’d had a good day. She hung out with her partners and returned home with a smile plastered on her face. She’d had fun. Nothing bad happened. She’d slept well the previous night. Everything was fine, until a thought appeared in the back of her mind.
Nothing comes after death.
An wasn’t a stranger to such thoughts. Yes they unsettled her, but it was so common nowadays it usually came and went. As long as she didn’t think too deeply about it, she’d be fine!
She made the mistake of thinking too deeply about it.
It started small, just the same idea presented a little differently playing on loop like a broken record.
It’s just darkness
There’s nothing after life.
I’m going to die one day and that’ll be the end of it all.
It gradually began to snowball. More and more until it became too much for her to ignore.
There’s no second life. No reincarnation. It’s a couple decades of existing and then it’s over.
One day I’ll fall asleep and never wake up again.
An’s heart was hammering, as if trying to desperately escape her ribcage. Staggered breaths leapt from her lungs faster than she could bring them back inside. It hurt, it hurt, it hurt so much. Her brain felt like it was turning into mush with how fuzzy every thought felt. The only full thoughts she could make out were the ones that started this problem in the first place.
An was never a religious person, she tried exploring faith before - when she was a bit younger - but it didn’t work out. Everything she attempted to believe in was outlawed by her brain. On any other day, that didn’t bother her. Not one bit. She hardly thought about it; she didn’t need to, to put it simply. She was content with her current beliefs. Tonight though, it made itself an issue.
She found herself mentally begging to grasp onto some faith for the afterlife, some faith that there is something after death and she won’t just be nowhere.
Every inch of her body trembled. Her throat was tight and dry, her chest hurt, her head throbbed, everything ached. She felt sick. She was supposed to make her own dinner that night as both of her parents were out. She was subconsciously glad she didn’t eat at the time, since she was sure she’d have coughed it all back up.
All the build up had brought her to where she was now. Hugging herself with her nails digging harshly into her arms. Every distraction she tried wasn’t working. She knew she was creeping towards some sort of panic attack, if she weren’t already having one. She knew she should text somebody. One of her partners, maybe. But it was late. Kohane and Akito were definitely asleep by then. Toya was an option, though she’d hate to disturb him if he were getting ready for bed. Despite that, she felt it was probably her last hope.
She first sends a text in the four’s shared group chat, simply asking if any of them were awake as she watched Toya’s profile picture pop up alongside three dots. Just as quickly as he appeared online, he replies. An decided to not continue the conversation there, for the sake of not worrying the other two later on.
She instead opened up hers and Toya's DMs with shaky hands, typing something that she was unsure he’d even be able to read. Whatever character she wanted to press, it felt like her fingers were jolting to something completely different. An attempted retyping her message for a solid few minutes before giving up and sending it. It’d probably take her much longer to spell everything correctly, she may as well do what she actually can in her semi-coherent state.
Almost instantly, she received a reply. If she were in any other headspace right then, she’d have scoffed to herself a little. “Typical Toya…” she’d mutter to herself.
She read the message, tears finally brimming her eyes. It was just Toya asking if she was okay, commenting on how it was late and her message was worrisome. It was so simple but it was so effective.
They shared a short text conversation, filled with An making numerous typos and Toya replying worriedly. An was being very vague with what was going on, only messily telling Toya that she thinks she’s having a panic attack of sorts. After the back and forth, Toya offered that they call in order for him to try distracting her. Though reluctant, An accepted the offer, picking up after a few seconds of hesitation.
<”Hello?”>
An didn’t respond for a moment, breath caught in her throat as she made a pathetic attempt at clearing it before speaking, “Hey…”
<”Hi, are you okay? What happened?”> Toya sounds even more worried over the phone. Fuck, she was tearing up even more, this was going to be more difficult than An thought.
An ponders on what to say. She can’t just start a phone call by spewing out her newfound fear of dying. Besides, would Toya find it silly? She’s stressing over something that she shouldn’t be worrying about for a very very long time. What if he thinks it’s stupid and hangs up, leaving her to spiral deeper? What if he decides she isn’t worth his time and goes to bed?
<”An?”>
Shit, she’s been quiet for longer than she meant to. She hurriedly racks her brain for a response. “I don’t— I don’t know.” She decides. Wow, maybe she’ll be the next William Shakespeare.
It’s stupid. An knows full well what’s wrong. She knows full well why Toya is wasting his night on the phone to her instead of sleeping. She knows full well why she’s not sleeping. Still, despite that, Toya sympathises with her. Of course he does. It’s Toya.
<”That’s okay.”> he says, <”Would you like me to talk about something to distract you?”>
Goodness, if An believed in it she’d say that Toya was heaven-sent. Instead, she produces a low hum of affirmation.
An doesn’t remember most of what Toya was saying. Something about a novel he’d picked up recently. It wasn’t that An didn’t want to listen, but she didn’t have the attention span for that on a good day.
Luckily for An, Toya’s rambling had managed to calm her down enough to the point she began yawning from exhaustion. Though a slither of fear still lingered, causing An to try desperately to stay awake.
She heard a scoff from Toya’s end, and she could’ve sworn it was one of amusement. <”You’re tired, right? I can let you go if you want.”>
An shot up ever so slightly, shaking her head before realising Toya couldn’t see her. “No… I— Uhm… Could you stay on the phone with me…? I really don’t want to be left by myself right now.”
To say she was embarrassed was an understatement, An was usually the confident member of their group, and here she is, begging her boyfriend to not hang up on her in the middle of the night because of an irrational fear she had.
Ever the angel, Toya understands. <”Of course. Do try to get some sleep though, okay?”>
“...Okay”
Toya continues talking, and before she falls asleep, An swears she can also hear him growing tired too. She’d have to apologise for that later.
-
When An woke up the next morning, she wasn’t really better off than she was when she fell asleep. While a bit calmer, she slept horribly, and her dreams weren’t pleasant either.
This was going to be something horrible for her to tackle, especially if it was something that planned on sticking around. For the time being, she noticed that Toya was still on the phone with her when she instinctively picked it up to check the time. Her chest was still so heavy, but a small smile graced her face to see he was still there.