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Jack stood outside the glass doors, breath trapped in his throat and eyes full of tears that refused to fall. He twisted the two wedding rings on his finger slowly, watching Robby sway with the baby. He was sure he had gotten through to him. Positive. Was sure he wouldn’t get on the motorcycle. Was hopeful no one in his ED had a 5150 in their back pocket with Robby’s name on it. He was guessing Caleb had been working up to one, maybe even Dana.
And now. The way his husband was holding this baby. The same way his wife had always wanted to hold one. He swallowed harshly at the thought, trying to get it to go away. They couldn’t take this baby home, Robby needed serious help. He knew that. They couldn’t get him the help he needed with a baby there, too. Plus, they had just celebrated their 6 month anniversary with Dennis, there was no way this kid would want… well, a kid. But the ache in his chest at the sight. It felt like he was being run over by a train.
“Jack?” He tilted his head slightly, acknowledging the voice without taking his eyes off Robby. “... I just clocked out. You want me to take Robby home?”
He sniffed once and looked down at Dennis carefully, letting the younger man see his emotions. Might be a first for their relationship. He didn’t know how the younger man would take it. He nodded slowly. “Yeah. Could you?”
Dennis’ eyes were wide. Jack registered surprised, but he was taking taking the revelation of Jack’s unshed tears in stride, putting a hand on his bicep and rubbing slow circles with his thumb. “He’s going to be okay. We’ll get him the help he needs.”
Jack nodded and covered Dennis’ hand with his own. It took a second but there was a moment where he recognized that he wasn’t alone in this. Dennis was here. He wanted to help them both. He was supporting Jack just as much as he was supporting Robby. Jack hesitated before pulling Dennis into a tight hug, pressing his cheek against the top of his head. He swallowed hard and whispered, “Thank you, Den.”
Dennis nodded and gave him a gentle squeeze. “We’ll see you at home. Okay? I’ll text you and keep you updated the whole time I’m awake.”
Jack let him go finally and cleared his throat. “Okay.”
Dana’s voice cut across the din from the hub. “Dr Abbot, incoming collision. ETA five minutes.”
Jack turned and waved to her, voice rising to call back. “Got it, thank you.” He finally took a deep breath and rolled his shoulders back. “Okay, let him take his time in there. It looks like Baby Jane Doe is helping. I love you.” He ducked down to steal a kiss and smiled when Dennis blushed. But he didn’t pull away.
“I love you, too. Stay safe.”
Jack nodded and gave Robby one last glance before walking back into the rhythms that he was the most familiar with. The chaos that he craved. Because he knew how to take care of this type of chaos. And after several traumas, rotations, and a bullet wound that had gone untreated for so long that it had become infected, Jack finally had a second to check his phone and check the messages from Dennis.
Denny <3 [23:38]
He didn’t want to leave the motorcycle at the hospital, but I convinced him to let me drive it back to the house. We both wore helmets.
Denny <3 [23:40]
Managed to get him to eat leftovers. We’re in bed. He cried for a long time.
Denny <3 [23:43]
He’s asleep now. I’m going to try to get some, too. I called HR and they managed to get me coverage for tomorrow. You could get it off, too? We could figure out next steps for him?
Denny <3 [23:45]
Love you.
Jack [12:01]
Thanks for the updates, baby. Yeah, I’ll get it off. See if Shen can cover. He owes me anyways. Love you, too, get some sleep.
He took a deep breath and pocketed his phone, letting his eyes sweep over the department until they landed on the glass door to Peds. He was moving before his brain registered it. He was sliding into the dark room and standing over the sleeping baby before he knew it. His finger was lightly brushing her cheek, watching her breathe.
“Hi, Jane… my name’s Jack. Jack and Jane. Sounds like a damn nursery rhyme, doesn’t it?” He swallowed the lump growing in his throat. “You met my husband Robby earlier. And my boyfriend, Dennis. But I haven’t gotten to spend much time with you yet, so I wanted to say hello. See what all the fuss was about.”
Jack let his eyes flick over her tiny form, trying to keep his breathing under control. He swayed his weight from his leg to his prosthetic, careful not to wake her. “You know… there was a time when I thought I was going to have a whole house full of you. My wife wanted a dozen babies. She told me that the day I proposed to her.” He smiled sadly. “She said, Jack. You have to promise to give me a dozen babies… so I said I would.” He sighed and looked up at the sun painted on the wall. “I failed her at that, too. Couldn’t give her any babies. And I couldn’t… couldn’t save her life…” He dropped his head down to look at the baby, eyes soft and gentle. “I hope I can save yours. And Robby’s.”
Jack pulled his hand away from her, eyes shifting to the machines that tracked her heartrate. He sniffed softly, pulling himself together. “But the good news is that you’re healthy. And you’re going to find a family who is going to love the hell out of you. They’ll give you a great name. Shit, they might even give you two great names. Wouldn’t that be nice?”
Jack sighed a little and scrubbed his hands over his face before stretching and glancing outside the doors. “Alright. I should get back to it, kid. You keep behaving and I’ll check on you when I can.” He looked back down and smiled again. “You are really cute though. I get what all the fuss is about.”
He left her in the dark to sleep, wishing he could stay with her there instead of stepping into the harsh, blinding light of the ED.
Denny <3 [2:34]
He’s still asleep. Just checking in.
Jack [2:46]
All good. Go back to sleep.
Denny <3 [2:47]
Don’t tell me what to do. :P
Jack [2:48]
Go back to sleep, Dennis. Or I will come home and show you what happens to mouthy brats.
Denny <3 [2:53]
Yes, sir. Good night!
Jack [2:55]
Good boy.
Several hours later, he found himself back in Peds, sitting in a chair with a protein bar in his hand, just staring at her. She was awake, staring back. “I can’t bring you home, Jane. He’d drive straight over the edge with the buffaloes. I can’t lose two spouses, I think it would kill me.”
Jane just babbled at him and he sighed. “Look, if I thought you could cure suicidal ideation, then I’d give you your honorary PhD right now and call you a prodigy, kid. I’d bring you home right now and hand you over to my husband. But as it stands, I think you’re just a baby.”
Jane kicked her feet in the air and kept staring at him while Jack took a huge bite of his protein bar, flopped back in his folding chair. He sighed and shook his head. “Just a couple months. Just stay in the foster system for a couple months and when we have our shit together… then we can come get you. Robby just needs some time. And maybe I do, too. Maybe I should take a sabbatical. Should I?”
Jack sighed and stood up to look down at Jane. “Maybe you do need a PhD. I haven’t thought this hard about taking time off since my last therapy session.”
He shoved the last of his bar in his mouth and shook his head. “Okay. I don’t know what’s going through my head. I can’t adopt you. Robby can’t, Dennis can’t. I haven’t even talked to them about it… I’m romanticizing this. That’s what my therapist would say. I’m probably thinking about Cathy, too, but. You’re going to have a good life, kid. With or without me.” He smiled and stood up straight. ““... maybe though. Let me think about it some more.”
Robby <3 [5:03]
I’m sorry.
Jack [5:05]
Nothing to be sorry for.
Robby <3 [5:06]
I must have scared the shit out of you.
Jack [5:08]
You did. But you also listened when we talked you off the ledge. So it’s okay.
Robby <3 [5:10]
I’m sorry.
Jack [5:12]
I know. Dennis still asleep?
Robby <3 [5:13]
Yeah.
Jack [5:15]
Wake him up. Have breakfast. Watch some movies. He has the day off. I’ll be home soon and we can figure stuff out.
Robby <3 [5:17]
I love you.
Jack [5:19]
I love you, too. Wake him up.
Jack stopped at Peds before he clocked out, sighing a little. “You’ll definitely be gone before I leave, honey… but just wanted to say goodbye for now.” Jane was back asleep, hands held high above her head. She was so peaceful and calm. Jack sighed a little and crossed his arms over his chest, looking up at the sun on the wall again. He took a slow deep breath, his thumb finding the thicker wedding band on his finger and twisting it slowly before he spoke in a shaky voice.
“Hey Cath. It’s been… it’s been a minute since we last talked. But tonight’s brought up a lot of… memories. And big feelings. I have to go home to Robby. And I think… I think maybe I almost lost him today, too?” He swallowed after admitting that, closing his eyes and pulling his arms apart to twist his wedding rings anxiously. “I miss you. I miss you every day. But he helps the missing. You two are so alike… And Dennis.” He laughed softly and shook his head. “Oh my god, you can’t believe... You would love Dennis, Cath. He has your sense of humor like you wouldn’t… like you wouldn’t believe. And he takes care of your garden so much better than I ever did. He has an eye for peonies, honey. And he knows his way around a tomato.” And the tears finally started pouring down his face at that. And he couldn’t stop them. Didn’t even bother trying. He looked back up at the painted sun, breathing deeply to keep himself composed. “And the way Robby… is so patient with me. With my moods. And the dark places I can go sometimes.” He shook his head quickly and looked back down at his wedding rings, clearing his throat. “I just want you to know I’ll be okay. I’m not alone. But I… I was really scared today that I might be.” He went quiet at that, letting the tears dry on his chin slowly. “I miss you, babe. I hope… I hope you’re doing okay. Wherever you are.”
He nodded slowly and sniffed, looking up at Baby Jane after a moment. Her eyes were open now, watching him with her curious gaze. He laughed a little and shook his head. “Sorry. I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” He reached down and tugged her foot gently. “It’s okay. Someone will be by to pick you up soon, honey. And I’ll check in on you as soon as I can.”
He felt his phone buzz and tugged it out of his back pocket.
Denny <3 [7:26]
He’s doing alright. We’re just on the couch watching Die Hard.
Jack [7:27]
The Christmas movie?
Denny <3 [7:29]
You can have that argument with him if you want, but I decided not to press the issue.
Jack [7:30]
Alright, alright. I’ll be home soon.
Jack slid his phone back in his pocket and smiled again at Jane. “Be good.” He winked at her playfully and left, clocking out before anyone could catch him and drag him off to another trauma. He wanted to go home. He wanted to hold Robby and tell him he was going to be okay. They were all going to be okay.
He saw Dana talking to Henny at the hub, realizing she must have just arrived and was doing handoff for the beginning of day shift. He put a hand on her shoulder on his way out and said softly, “He’s home. He didn’t leave. He’s going to be alright.”
They made eye contact and he could see the way relief crashed over her. But she just nodded and patted him on his good shoulder. “Go home to your boys. We’ve got it covered from here.”
He smiled and nodded. “Hey, and can you put a note on Baby Jane Doe’s case file that I want to follow up in a few months? Just… my name. Number. Address?”
She smiled fondly and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, I got you, Dr Abbott.”
“Thanks, Dana, you’re a hero.” He winked and headed to the parking garage, stretching out his shoulder as carefully as he could.
He drove home to the radio playing the best of the 80s, his fingers resting on his lips and his mind wandering between Robby’s face as he talked to him in the ED about where his head was at. Then to Cathy’s face the day she died, her fingers lace with his. To Baby Jane Doe. To Dennis the day he and Robby asked him out to dinner the first time. To Robby holding Baby Jane Doe tonight. He felt restless. He always did after a long shift. But today had felt endless.
He opened the front door at last, grateful that Robby and Dennis had kept the blinds shut so that he couldn’t see the rays of the sun from here. He had to take a moment to breathe and think about himself. He took his time here, shedding all his layers slowly and with them, the ED. The shift. Everything he saw. Everything he did. All the lives he saved and all the ones he had lost. Anything he did not want to bring into his home. Everything except what Robby had done and said. Everything he had witnessed, and everything they were going to have to go over today. Together. As a team.
When he finally felt that he had taken everything off, he turned the corner into the living room and sighed at the two men cuddled onto the couch. Dennis was propped up in the corner of the sectional, Robby’s head in his lap and absolutely buried in blankets despite the fact that it was now July 5th and one of the hottest days of the year so far. Jack put both arms on his hips and smiled a little at the sight, watching Dennis meet his gaze as he carded his fingers through Robby’s hair. Robby’s eyes were firmly shut, not even opening them to acknowledge that Jack was home.
Jack smirked and walked over slowly, bending down to give Dennis a gentle kiss. “Hey, baby.”
Dennis smiled up at him. Jack couldn’t help but notice how some tension left Dennis’ shoulders at something so small. He reached down, putting his hands on the edge of the couch for leverage as he sank to his knees, careful not to jostle his prosthetic. His knee was killing him enough as it was. He let his fingers join Dennis’, carefully running them through Robby’s hair and down his neck. He heard Robby hum softly in recognition, but he didn’t move otherwise.
Jack leaned in and whispered, “Hey, sweetheart. I’m home. Did you miss me?”
It took Robby a second before he nodded slowly, keeping his eyes closed. Jack smiled and leaned in to kiss his forehead, rewarding him for responding.
“Are you feeling a little better today?”
He watched Robby’s shoulders expand as he took a very deep breath. He waited, letting him take his time to answer. After a moment, he shrugged slowly. Jack nodded and whispered, “Honesty is better than nothing.” He leaned in and kissed his nose lightly. He let his hand slide under the blankets to find Robby’s lower back, rubbing gentle circles there. “You okay to stay here with Dennis and I for a few days while we talk some things out?”
Robby finally opened his eyes at that question, meeting his gaze. Jack could read the fear there. And the exhaustion. He knew that look because he’d seen it in the mirror many times. But he just stayed still and steadfast, rubbing his back slowly. Finally, Robby just nodded slowly and Jack gave him a little smile. “That’s my good boy. Thank you.” Jack leaned in and kissed Robby’s lips gently, pressing their foreheads together. “I love you, Robby.”
Robby made a soft sound close to whine before whispering, “I love you, too, Jack.”
Jack sighed and closed his eyes, relaxing. This felt like winning a small battle. Just a little one. He knew there were more to come, but at the very least, he’d take this win. “Okay. I’m going to take a shower and I’ll be right back. We can cuddle and finish your Christmas movie for a bit.”
“Not a Christmas movie.”
“Definitely a Christmas movie, baby. And you’re watching it in July.”
Dennis’ soft voice spoke up. “If it is a Christmas movie, it just means we’re celebrating Christmas in July, Robby.”
“Oh, there’s my good boy!” Jack grinned and picked himself up, leaning in to give him another kiss. He pet through his curls affectionately before walking to their bedroom. He leaned against the door, sighing in relief. He rubbed at an eye and smiled a little, shaking his head. “... thanks, Cath. Thanks for talking to me today. Thank you for Robby and Dennis. I feel like… maybe you sent them my way.” He smiled a little into the room before pushing off to get himself ready.
Robby never left on his motorcycle. It stayed in the garage under lock and key, which he agreed to. Instead, he went to an outpatient psychiatric program for a month that Jack had suggested. On top of that, Dennis had found him a series of support groups that he could go to when he wasn’t in therapy. And after the outpatient program was over, he saw a regular therapist, went to his support groups, and Jack could see the difference in him. It was going to take time and hard work, but he was putting in the effort.
Jack and Dennis were there to pick him up from his lows and dance with him through his highs. They helped guide him back into the ED after his sabbatical was over with gentle hands, urging him to go slowly and to take his time. He did so well, using all the tools from his therapy and support groups. Finding Dennis and Jack when he felt like he was drowning. It wasn’t an easy transition, but it could have gone so much worse.
Jack was proud of him. And the whole time, he found his eyes wandering back to the glass door of Peds, a little ache in his heart that he tried to shove down.
Before he knew it, Christmas had passed them by. Their first Christmas with Dennis had been so fun, showering him with gifts and affection. The kid had been so flustered and overwhelmed, stammering out his thanks and not wanting to accept half of what had been under the tree. And then Valentine’s Day, full of little notes and gifts hidden in their lockers. St Patrick’s day. April Fool’s Day, never a fun one in the ED. Dennis’ birthday, which had also been very fun for Jack and Robby. Memorial Day. And finally, back around to July 4th.
They all took the weekend off. They felt like it was going to be better for them. For Robby’s mental health. They should all be together, calm and relaxed. Robby and Jack had therapy anyways, so it was enough of an excuse for them all to stay home.
It’s how Jack found himself on a lawn chair next to Robby, watching Dennis tend Cathy’s peonies with a little sunhat covering his pale face. Their domestic life was everything he could have ever wished for, but he couldn’t shake the ache that was still lodged in his chest.
He flicked through the messages on his phone from the caseworker and Dana. The pictures they had sent him. The worry that Robby and Dennis would blow him off was gnawing at him. Hell, they hadn’t even proposed to Dennis yet. The ring was safely tucked away in an upstairs drawer, ready for when Dennis was ready. And introducing a kid into this dynamic felt too risky for Jack. Neither Robby nor Dennis had ever mentioned children. He was on uneven ground here.
“Jack. You want to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
“Liar.”
“I would never.”
Robby reached over and put a hand on his thigh, adding just enough weight to still it from where it had been rapidly bouncing up and down for the past ten minutes. He grunted a little and looked back up at Dennis, frowning.
“What’s wrong?”
Jack looked away, letting his finger rest against the crease of his lips again as he started processing his thoughts. He hadn’t mentioned her once over the past year. He didn’t want to add any more stress to the healing work they had all been doing together. It had been enough without adding a baby to it. But now… now they were all so stable. Could it be the time?
Dennis walked over, pulling off his gloves and tilting his head to the side. “Is something wrong?”
“Jack won’t say.”
“Nothing’s wrong.”
Dennis and Robby shared a look that made Jack roll his eyes and start bouncing his other leg. Which was significantly harder to do. Dennis smirked a little and dropped his hat to the ground, walking over to straddle Jack’s lap on the lawn chair, settling his forearms on his shoulders and smiling down at him. “Seems like something’s wrong.” He leaned in and gave him a light kiss.
Jack sighed, glaring up at him. “Now, that’s not fair.”
Robby smirked and stood up, getting behind the chair to rest his hands on Jack’s shoulders, digging his thumbs into his muscles carefully. Jack grunted and melted a little into his husband’s grip. “Come on, Jack. Just tell us what’s wrong… we want to help.”
Jack sighed and reached up to grab Dennis’ hips which had started to slowly rock down against him, stilling them with a firm grasp. “I’m going to say something. And I want you to understand that this doesn’t have to be a conversation. You can both say no or one of you can say no and I’ll never bring anything like it up again. Alright?”
He watched the two of them exchange another look and sober quickly. Dennis let his hands flatten on his broad chest as he nodded and Robby came around front to face him, crossing his arms over his chest. “Yeah, of course, Jack.”
Dennis leaned in closer. “Are you okay? You’re not sick are you? Is this something we should be worried about?”
“No, no, it’s not…” Jack sighed and ran his hands slowly up Dennis’ sides, liking his weight on his lap. It was oddly settling. He glanced up at Robby and sighed. “Do you both remember Baby Jane Doe? From last July 4th? Abandoned baby in the ED bathroom?”
Robby furrowed his brows and then nodded slowly. “Yeah?”
“I had Dana keep me in touch with Baby Jane Doe’s case worker. From last July 4th. And I’ve been… keeping up to date on her foster situation for the past year. Her health, how she’s been holding up, that sort of thing.” He looked away from both again, focusing on his hands on Dennis’ waist. On his wedding rings. “And she hasn’t been adopted yet. And I was starting to think about kids of my own. Of our own. And if we wanted that.”
He let the silence hang in the air. He should have planned this better. Taken them out to dinner. Explained better. Instead of stumbling over his words and emotions. This felt like dumping everything on them all at once. It felt wrong. But he couldn’t hold onto it anymore. It hurt too much like this.
He closed his eyes and swallowed, fingers flexing a little from where they were holding onto Dennis. But the younger man just shifted to press in closer to Jack, wrapping his arms around the older man’s neck and hugging him tight. Jack hugged him back, not quite ready to open his eyes yet. He laid his head on Dennis’ shoulder and squeezed him tight, cuddling himself in. Dennis smelled earthy. It helped ground him.
He felt Dennis press a kiss to the top of his head and then at his hairline, trying to pull his head back. Trying to find his eyes. It took him a minute of deep breathing before he was able to finally tilt his head back and meet Dennis’ gaze, afraid of what he would see there. But the younger man was smiling fondly at him, his blue eyes gleaming and tooth gap showing for all the world to see. “Jack Abbott. Are you asking me to have a baby with you?”
Jack felt his heart stutter and his breath caught in his throat. He swallowed a little and let his hands slowly run up Dennis’ spine. He nodded slowly, not sure if he could trust his words right now. Dennis was happy about this?
Dennis laughed and dove in to kiss him so hard that the entire lawn chair flipped back onto the lawn. Jack found that he didn’t care. He just caught Dennis in his arms and kissed him back, chuckling into the kiss, and holding him as closely and tightly as he possibly could as Dennis kissed him like a starving man. When he finally pulled himself up he whispered, “I would have a dozen babies with you if you asked me to, Jack.”
And something broke inside of Jack at that confession. It was like a Cathy was right here with him, telling him he'd made the right choice. He felt little tears prick at the side of his eyes, the sunshine making a perfect halo around Dennis’ head as he looked up at him. He reached up and cupped his jaw in one hand, thumb running along his skin as he smiled gently at him. “Let’s see if Robby wants to start with one. Okay?”
Dennis laughed and nodded a little. “Yeah, okay. Okay.” He leaned in and kissed him again, holding onto Jack by the front of his shirt.
Jack smiled and pulled back to whisper, “Baby, you’ve got to let me get out of this chair.”
Dennis laughed and stumbled his way to his feet, reaching down to help him with strong, sure hands. He winked at him, gentle and loving before turning to his husband. Who stood there, watching them with a soft look on his face. Jack stayed still, taking a deep breath. “We’ve never talked about this before.”
Robby shook his head slowly. “No. We haven’t. This wasn’t something I thought you wanted.”
Jack let out one harsh laugh and looked at the garden, thoughtful. “It wasn’t.”
Robby followed his line of sight and let out a hard breath. “Ah.”
He nodded slowly. “But then… Robby I saw you hold her last year and I… I don’t know what happened. It was like everything I ever used to want came back. And I could see us with children. Or at least one, and it broke something in me. And I thought maybe it was just because I had almost lost you. But it stuck, baby.” He took a deep breath, finally looking up at Robby again. “It stayed. And I’ve watched you grow and heal so much this past year. And it made me realize how much I want… how much I want to keep building our life together. How much we have to give. And it doesn’t have to be her if we don’t want it to be. It doesn’t have to be now.”
Robby looked Jack’s face over slowly, and Jack felt like he was one of his patients being examined. His fingers found his wedding rings again, twisting them around slowly.
Robby smiled a little. “I wanted to foster her, too.”
Jack let out the breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. He smiled slowly at Robby, staying where he was. “Yeah?”
Robby nodded. “I knew… we couldn’t. I knew I needed help. A baby and a suicidal man were a terrible combination. But I wanted it so badly.”
Jack nodded slowly, letting his head drop so he could look at the two wedding rings he was twisting on his finger. “I had the same thoughts.”
Robby walked over to him, taking his left hand and rubbing a thumb over his wedding rings slowly. “I know children was always Cathy’s dream, Jack. But people change. And if they’re your dream now, then that’s good.” Jack felt something settle inside of him that he didn’t know had been bothering him. He leaned in, resting his head against Robby’s shoulder. “Yes, Jack. Yes, I will have a child with you. I’ve always wanted one. And to raise one with you? And with Dennis? Who could ask for better parents? Let alone co-parents.”
Jack smiled and wrapped his arms around Robby, holding him as tight as he could. “I love you so much.”
“I love you, too, Jack.”
He felt Dennis press against their sides and he opened his arm to let him into the hug. “Are we adopting Baby Jane Doe?”
Jack sighed and kissed the top of his head. “Yeah, kid. I think we are.”
He tilted his head up to meet Robby’s warm gaze, the crow’s feet at the side of his eyes creased in affection and love. He leaned in and pressed a tender kiss on the man’s lips, as the sun beamed down on them all.
All in all it took them a month to get Jane as an official foster in their home. Which was all well and good, because they had a lot of work to do to baby proof the house and get the supplies they needed to take care of her. From there, it took another 10 months to officially adopt her. And Jack had been right. A loving family did indeed give her a new name. Well, three extra names. They decided after all that after so long of everyone calling her Jane, it was going to be hard for them all to shake that one, so they kept that. But they added a few at the end. Jane Abbott Robinavitch Whitaker.