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Day 1 - The Inevitable Separation
Well, I’m fucked. Most, absolutely, certainly, fucked. Angel, I knew within the confinements of my soul that this day would happen, it’s just my karma really. Yep, nope. Nah, yeah, no matter how much I know I could never be prepared for it anyway. First my best friend, and now this… All hope seemed lost for me, as I try to look tough for everyone, that guy, the one who convinced me to say swears, even though I shouldn’t, and I know I will have to run for father Alvin for swearing, but I fucking swear to the Angel is all this guy and his kindness fault that I dirt my mouth like this.
No, this is no way to start a journal. Let me start over.
Day 1 - The Inevitable Separation
Okay, how do I begin this? Common sense would tell you to start at the beginning, buuut some swell guy with an angel smile convinced me that stories with a beginning that shows the end adds complexity, leaving suspense for the audience and demonstrating confidence in their ideas. Well, I have a lot of confidence in what is going to happen, but I also want to signal that this is not trying to be more than it is; this is simply a diary for the anxious in me to exist, and not the complex project of a distraught and misunderstood artist such as that guy’s usual projects. So here is my compromise: I will reveal the ending, before going back to the beginning. This way I can show the point of what is being written and still tell the events as they happen, like starting the alphabet at the letter Z only to follow up with the letter A and then continue as usual. WIth that said, here comes nothing;
The love between my parents is ending, as mine starts to blossom. And so, in contrast to them divorcing this year, I’m going to confess to my best friend and hopefully more than that; Pizzapants.
I have known Pizzapants for such a long time, I have been friends with him for what could be a lifetime, and I could keep relying on him for as many lifetimes as we have, ‘cause Angel knows I don’t want to live without him. We were eight years old when one day mom said that I could go to school alone, but even back then I knew she was lying and just hid herself behind a bush, trying to see if you would muster the courage to talk with anyone. And it’s not like you don’t want to talk with someone and make a connection, being at the time the only child of the house and your best friend kind of being the only one, but being watched over like this… It was a bit too much, and so I decided that silence during the walk was the best decision. Until suddenly I see someone on the ground, clearly hurt. “I have to help!”. In hindsight, this was a somewhat selfish action, with me wanting to help. It’s not like I didn’t want to see people happy, but when I saw that guy I thought to myself “I have to do good actions, to prove myself”. Or at least that’s what I’m remembering now… What I do definitely remember is seeing his face for the first time. At first he looked so defeated, with his eyes focused on his knee and a big frown, while his cheeks had a slight inflation, like he was holding on not a scream of pain but humiliation. That is, until I called out for him and our eyes met for the first time. At first he calmed himself and his face turned from disappointment to genuine curiosity. Such a friendly face with his black eye-dots and genuine posture, like he had nothing to hide. I just felt like I could talk with him for who knows how long we would stick together, and howdy talk with him I could! Even on the first day we met each other, that guy had a passion for speaking. At that moment any thought I had about me just disappeared as I wanted to talk with who I would soon find out is called…
Heh. Oh man, huh, this will be embarrassing to admit, but I kind of like his name so much I start to get flustered. So much so I decided to start calling him by his nickname “Pizzapants”. Why did I start calling him that too? I know he hates it, but it just seemed so right that I would have a nickname for him. I suggested others but he rejected all of them, always saying “it’s fine for you to call me that! I’m angry at the others for creating it, not at you.” He’s always so kind. Anyways, I will reveal his name to, well, myself, soon enough. Just let me build up the courage. Continuing on; after we met each other the two of us have been best friends. Sure, I never met him as much as my other best friend… But the time we did spend was just as meaningful. It was just, two different loves for two different people… My love for Pizzapants is definitely unlike mine for Dess; my other best friend now disappeared. Dess is like another sister to me and Kris, and her absence feels like we lost a piece of our puzzle-picture my family, while Pizzapants feels like a piece that connects to me and feels sufficient at that. Yeah, I love everyone in Hometown, truly, but I just wish I never had to detach myself from him… Here it goes, another selfish desire.
But coming back to my non-selfish love; it has been a year since my dad went to his flower shop, yet he still dodges finishing off the divorce. It’s not that he rejects my mother’s divorce letters out right, but each time she gives him one he starts crying and imploring, praying even that he’s allowed one more week to win her over, and the week turns into seasons, and just like that last season, it just fly over us like a memory and suddenly a year has passed. But mom is serious. More than usual. She has been drinking more at night, making calls to the mayor and researching. She always does her research in the Privative browser, but I have looked once at her screen while pulling her up from blacking out with the drinks, only to see that besides forums for divorced women and books for how to live as a single mom, she was also looking at stand up comedians with bad puns. God, I hope she never ends up with someone who makes bad puns.
Just have to be strong. If I keep being kind and prestative, especially to Kris, things will work out. And then I will have built enough strength to ask him out…
Day 2 - What To Say?
I have not thought about what to write haha. I just received this cute yet sleek diary from dad, with him going “You are sixteen now.” and then doing a one-eye blink saying “You are becoming more independent by the second, and so I thought writing for yourself would be good exercise . See what Asriel is thinking, not the Azzy that you or your mom or even Kris know, but the Asriel only Azzy truly knows.” and then he closed his eyes with a faint smile to finish off with “To see you moving forward, not hindered by the distance between me and Tori. Seeing this come to fruition brings joy to my old used heart.”
I felt touched by these words, and so I decided to write in here, even if he followed that up by asking me to give flowers to mom for him… I usually just dump them at the school but decided just this once to show them to her… Only for her to dump them at home a while later. It’s sometimes hard to believe that they were so lovey-dovey two years ago. It reminds me of the times we would play the TCG game where mom would get drunk at night, so me and dad easily managed to cheat a little bit so Kris could at least compete. Thankfully she wouldn’t be aware enough to notice it, and mostly just laughed it off from the defeats, but still impressive that even drunk she is this good. But we were all happy…
The same would NEVER happen between me and Pizzapants! Even after everything started falling apart we still stuck together. He never pushes me and I still reach out for him.
About what will be of this diary; I’m not so certain. I feel this need to not bottle up, to not spill over my loved ones. Dad said “See what Asriel is thinking”. Well, I don’t know if HIS thoughts really matter, so I guess I’m just making one Asriel that can keep my problems and insecurities, one that exists not as a physical being but as an idea. I don’t know what to think of him yet, but he will have to keep smiling for me. Even when he knows everything.
Day 4 - I’m Overwhelmed But Also Overexcited And It’s Making Me Really Anxious
Okay, I know, I didn’t write anything yesterday. I was busy with study and by that I mean Kris made a mess of our room and took some of my material to make a prank of theirs. Explaining myself is not the point of this diary, the point is to dirt these pages so I dirt myself or others.
And what matters now is that I was talking to the guy during our usual hunt for “chicks”,
side-note: I’m ONLY doing this to spend time with that guy! I call him by his stupid nickname, he makes me waste time with this silly activity. Well, it’s not a waste of time as long as I’m with him. But we could be playing Super Smash Fighters at home, so it’s more of a waste of opportunity.
Anyway, it’s not like any girl would actually enter our car. And so, as ritual, after spending some time driving we stopped near the river, not by the park place near dad’s shop but one more distant, one that we know nobody besides maybe the work-starved Undyne would entertain to enter, and he started talking about how we should bring the chick we will DEFINITELY get to the movie theater on the other side of Diner’s and I was like “And what? Get the chicks to wait for us to get the tickets?” so he, quite cocky but nonetheless determined and honestly really hot said “They will wait for us! And besides, we could always buy the tickets beforehand man! We are geniuses! We can always figure things out!” Trying to make him give up I said “And what if we buy the tickets and then no chicks come with us?” but to my surprise and delight, Pizzapants simply said “Then just the two of us will go see the damn movie! We can have a good time just by ourselves”. I was shocked. I wanted to scream! I didn’t. But I really wanted! What I did instead was return cockiness with cockiness and say “Bet.” to which he followed up with “All right! It’s a date tomorrow.”
I was speechless. Only when he returned me home did I ask “Are you sure about doing it tomorrow?” and his smile did not lie, “Tomorrow is the day we are getting a date! Mark my words”. I hope you are right my man, I hope you are right.
Day 5 - Date. With The G U Y.
Hehehehehehe. Heh heh. HEHEHEHE. Heh. HEEEEH! Okay today sucked. But it was also like, the best day ever?!? Well, let’s hope better days and honestly better dates will come. Like, not even a kiss. And I also didn’t confess. (Still a date). Okay, reasons to why it sucked now. Moving to the good stuff now.
Obviously we didn’t pick up any chicks. Was never in doubt. This fate of ours led into going to pick up our lunches for the movie. But then, all of the sudden, QC gave a devious smile, one that I only ever seen her give to mom and say “You two are going to have some fun at the movie theater?”. I press my lips and look at Pizzapants, only to find him giving the most depressed face ever with his eyes closed, honestly looking just like a helpless newborn puppy. And just as cute too! I just couldn’t let him feel like that, and so I said “Yeah. We are the coolest and honestly if nobody wants to come with us it’s their loss”. After that I turn again to him and see his head stretching upwards, dumb little smile signaling he recovered his steem. Now the adrenaline is pumping up, so I also say “Me and him? Pftt. A pair stronger than fate. The two of us will never disappear or be separated!”.
He reaches his arm to my shoulder and embraces me, just like he always embraces me when times are tough, and says “Yeah! So what if we didn’t get any chicks? Just means there’s more food for us!”. Heh, he really is a genius. Teeheh.
Sorry, I was giggling for five minutes remembering his stupid face while we walked away and him proclaiming “Dude, you are so cool! We are for sure getting a date soon”. My guy, we were literally on the way to our date! But coming back to before it; QC just laughed out loud, bursting “You two try not to do anything dumb, okay? You know Azzy, Tori can be quite brash.” to which I agree, unlike what she said next “Your friend here reminds me of her, so stay smart”. What did she mean by that? I still don’t get it. But then finally, FINALLY, we had our date! Like, the movie was garbage, but WHO cares?! We were laughing the whole time, especially since we were the only ones in the room. He was so happy that even after he dropped some Garama in his pants he did not complain. Instead we just laughed, together! Honestly, how did Pizzapants pick a movie so bad? And why was the best thing ever? Life is never dull with him.
On further reflection now though, maybe I should stay smart around him. After we finished the movie we met up Bratty, who apparently saw us enter and tried talking to me, to see if I would go with her. I was quite angry, until to my delight the guy responded “You want to take him out from me?” My soul was racing so fast it could leave my body. Then why did he have to hurt it answering Bratty’s “And what if I am?” with “Well, guy is high on demand, so today we are only offering a combo. You take him out and take me along”. WHY?? Oh my, sometimes he can make me so angry, I just can’t. Probably the blood pumping in me is what made me do what I did; I just grabbed him by the arm with my two hands, and raced off from that place, from anyone who could stop us, to whenever my soul was so desperately wishing to run…
When I stopped running, we were in the forest. Why is it always that place… I was fainting, completely out of breath. Weird, I have run longer distances, but maybe the speed and way I ran wasn’t optimal. At that moment I couldn’t stand up and collapsed to the ground on my knees. I thought to myself “This is it. The end”. But Pizzapants, reaches out his arm and says “You are always looking up for others my guy. But you can’t handle all that stress by yourself.” I look up at him, ready to tell me “Just tell me what’s been on your mind”. He had noticed I was getting anxious again. And he probably knew it’s because my parents are finally going to separate, and, well, if he didn’t know he definitely learned after I spelled it off. “To be honest, I want them to divorce. It has been hell on earth to see them fight and make excuses. Like, at least give me something stable, something I can be certain about. Either get together again or cut this unhealthy relationship, cause Angel knows mom doesn’t love dad anymore”. I really did spill the beans there huh? But he didn’t care, he just grabbed my hand and lifted me up. I tried to hide my tears but his comforting smile, so clearly trained beforehand with how exaggerated it was, just made me laugh and cry. I close my mouth in shame, knowing how much effort he puts into these faces, but he just shrugs it off with “It’s okay for you to laugh. BUT ONLY YOU!”, and I tell him “I don’t deserve it.” to which he replied “I know you are honest”. Our hands separate after that… If I truly was honest I would have told you how I was feeling.
Day 8 - My Parents Really Don’t Get It
I was supposed to go with Pizzapants today even further from outside town. Somewhere with supposedly “Chicks that gets us!” But dad came over to sign the papers and once again plead for mercy, until he spotted me sneaking around and plead for my help.
Like, sneaking around was always Kris forte, not mine.
After obliging he said for me to tell mom how sorry he was, and that he was ready to turn over a new leaf. But mom was REALLY upset this time, and said for me to sit with them, so I could settle the argument. I tried to reject it. Her serious look made me obey.
Their discussion lasted 4 hours, with me mostly nodding and waving my head in agreement and/or disagreement, before mom finally had enough and said to, I assume me, but she was looking upwards, irritated. “Do you and Kris even want to still talk with him?” Silence. Honestly, even she looked a little ashamed before brushing it off with a sturdy stance, waiting for me to answer. I didn’t know what to do… Thankfully Kris brought over Undyne with her yelling “I HEARD ABOUT THE FIRE MISS!”. Tori said there wasn’t any fire when a smell of smoke invaded our nostrils, turning on the alarm of danger inside mom. It was just a small fire, just big enough to create smoke, in the backyard. Everyone was surprised, but I know it was Kris. Who else would send an anonymous letter about a fire that just happened? Honestly, probably everyone knew. And I’m thankful. Kris saved me.
And so I just stayed silent, as we all did until Undyne took off the fire with her air blow from the mouth, just like she did on that one birthday where her blow was so strong the cake flew into my dad head. When she finished with it she came beaming at us, until dad said “So, Miss Toriel”. Undyne tried to dismiss it “I said like M and S, mister Asgore!!!”. He just closed his eyes and gently replied “You are really kind, Undyne. You make me proud”. Suddenly she was smiling again, before dad turned around and said to mom “We can continue this another day.” to which she simply nodded.
Everything seemed lost, but just before we went to bed Kris said for me to not sleep right away. After mom had knocked herself over in bed they turned over the console. It had been a while since we last played Super Smash Fighters. Honestly, it feels like I just have been waiting to play with that guy… I shouldn’t wait.
(Also, nothing important happened in the last 3 days).
Day 30 - C’mon!
A month has passed. I still haven’t asked the guy out. My dad still hasn’t come to finish signing the papers since last time he came. Mom keeps sending him copies of the letter but he won’t reply.
Day 34 - It Just Won’t Go Away
These last 4 days I tried repressing my feelings. Every little detail I think it might be a hint to Pizzapants liking me leads nowhere! And so if he doesn’t like me, the best course of action is to not like him back. But just writing this sounds absurd! I like him! Like, really like him. A LOT! And about those little details… I keep noticing them! How he doesn’t seem as happy without me. I told myself that it was wishful thinking, and it might still be, but only if I’m only wishing he exists cause Angel, every time I meet him he turns on a big goof smile and I know he wants to stay with me. It’s not just wish fulfillment. IT’S NOT!
Day 71 - Why Do I Keep Coming Back?
Today I met my dad while taking an early stroll. Wanted to breathe some fresh air and caught a fresh crime scene with him at 6 in the morning wearing cleaning clothes and carrying some tools. He was hesitant at first, but opened up about how Mrs Holiday offered him a gig to pay his debts. Honestly, his flower shop is not as empty as the profits of dad would suggest. It’s just that when someone enters he decides to do some chit chat, before being moved by the client’s life story he instinctively gives them a bouquet. For free! I even saw him giving away flowers to that bird kid who is Kris’ friend. I don’t know, something about him and attached to Noelle rubs me the wrong way. Later on I saw him give the flowers to her! And she accepted them, even though she was so clearly uncomfortable about it. And then, nothing! I thought about talking to him that day but the two just started doing their homework, so I decided to just move on.
But I’m running away from the topic. (This happens to me more than I care to admit. Me getting distracted that is. The more agitated I am the more likely it is). Me and dad talked for a little bit and it was nice. Dad really knows how to comfort me about my studies and uncertainties about the future as long as mom isn’t involved. This is probably why when he said I should go to his store later, I accepted it.
Sure, I knew he was going to ask me to give flowers to mom. And to his credit, he only mentioned her at the end, to ask me to give her flowers. But weirdly enough he was more interested in whether I used this diary or not. Said he often talked to the flowers when times were rough, how having someone to listen heals the soul. But also that it only helps as much as you are willing to allow it. Like, what is he trying to imply? That I should find someone to talk to? If that’s the case, I have Pizzpants. Does he mean I should say something? What then? Before I can process these thoughts he says “You have a lot of people who love you Azzy”. I feel like I will never be able to fully thank the love this town gives me, or explain why that love suffocates me.
Anyways, that’s not why I named this day what I did. I named it because of you, dear words in the diary. Why do I keep coming back to you? After the last time I wrote here I decided I had enough writing, but I still came back to read it when I was insecure or just bored. What I had registered about the good and bad days. To laugh at my first date or remember the time my parents made me freeze there. Why do I keep coming back to these memories? This will sound weird, but you are like a white space, dear diary. When someone with a pen writes in you, new ideas and connections sprout, and then you are filled with these emotions I want to leave. But I still keep coming back. Why? If I just told the guy, if dad just accepted his relationship is over, if mom only didn’t keep annoying me about what I do when I’m going out with Pizzapants, if only; if only. I kinda hate you dear diary.
Day 72 - Asgore Simply Did What He Had To Do
I believe the title says it all. I cried a lot when it happened, but honestly, I’m relieved. It’s Kris that got me worried. They only cried in bed, when they thought I had already slept. I wish they would tell me what they are thinking… I’m writing after they fell asleep so you can remind me; bring them to Diner’s. It’s my job to make sure they are happy.
Day 82 - It’s Coming
Okay. I’m writing here again so I know I’m tense. But maybe this is for the best; a month and a half and it will be that guy’s birthday. I’m excited, anxious, afraid, my guts are restless and making me wanna vomit but that’s not the worst abrasion I have rubbed in this diary. I have been thinking that this will be my chance to shoot for the skies. I will surprise, and make a perfect situation for me to confess. I will finally summon the courage, the determination to speak to him, leave this prison that is poisoning my soul, locked by this key-feeling meant for sharing, not for hoarding. Pizzapants; you will be mine!
Day 83 - Too Obvious?
Mom stopped me so we could talk. I wasn’t certain at the start but she started asking me if I was liking someone. Yep, she catched on something. She said “Azzy, I can see you have something on your mind.” so I say “And what would that be mom?” to which she replies “You are really strong my child. You can push through any hardship and make it look easy”. She’s making a gentle smile. She has been a lot happier since Asgore signed the papers. I tell her “Mom, I’m just trying to make you and Kris happy”. She places her hand below my chin and caresses me, saying “You also deserve to be happy my child”.
We hugged. I had forgotten that mom is the kindest person that I know.
Day 87 - It Could Have Happened
Today, once again, me and Pizzapants drove around town. We were, once again, grinning like idiots even though no chicks entered the car. It didn’t matter. What did matter is that this time we decided it was time we did something mischievous and drink some beer from that guy’s mom. There’s no way my mom wouldn’t notice one of her beers missing. And so, during the star night with the two of us drinking, listening to an old Beebles mixtape while I show him the constellations. A small passion of mine.
I just feel like they remind me about how I live, how I inhabit a living, free world, with more than I could ever dream to reach. That there’s many possibilities out there, and I don’t have to be stuck being one way. It’s probably why when she disappeared everyone just said she was alongside the stars… I won’t keep thinking about it but I would believe she’s actually in the darkness above us, alongside the stars.
Thinking more about this now, Pizzapants kinda makes me feel similar about the constellations, with his unusual behavior and unpredictable actions. He’s like my star, only waiting to shine so bright that the world will be blinded by his greatness. He’s so good I even let it slide that he wasn’t listening to me talking about the mythological figures in the constellations. I just enjoy having him there for me.
Eventually a light shines where it shouldn’t along a ringing cry. It’s my cellphone. It’s mom. I try to ignore it but Pizzapants insists that we run back to my place, before my mom gets angry. And so we distance ourselves from the dark sky to the void above the light pollution, the pollution that steals away the bliss romance between living creatures and the above. But that sky, it was still burned in my memory, and I couldn’t forget about how close we were back then. “This is it, isn’t it?” I think to myself. I know that I have to say it, and stare at him for what feels like eternity. But his eyes don’t show or tell. That wasn’t the right time. So I simply wished him a goodnight.
His birthday. That will be the day.
Some Day. I lost track. I will count again later - Someone Who Could
I have been imagining, what would be the type of “guy” that Pizzapants would like? And I know he likes dudes too, we had a big story about it but that would require me talking about the time we got stuck alone in the changing room when we were 14 and I’m not telling it. Honestly, we mostly just talked, but we were a lot cringier back then and that’s not the point. Point is; I have been wondering what kind of guy he would be into.
Well, he has said that I’m cute, even if only in the context of attracting “chicks”, so my face should be good… Maybe some glasses, since they always makes weaboos go hog, and colored eyes, just like Tori and Kris, so maybe more red than green, or even pink… Oh, and who could forget that guy obsession with dresses! Yep, guy comfortable with dresses would make him crazy.
Honestly, I don’t care for wearing dresses. If anything, I want to see HIM wearing a dress. Yep, now that’s a thought I could keep imagining about…
But the guy who Pizzapants would have confessed back when we were still 14 would probably be the kindest soul imaginable, and always prestative. And he would live in his fairy tale castle, so he would call him a prince just like he used to call me. And he would be helpless when it comes to romance. He would keep a bright smile even in the darkest moments.
Well, is this true? He always told me when Dess disappeared that I didn’t need to smile all the time. But it was my smile that made us friends, since that day we were kids, I know it!
No, this person that I’m fantasising is not someone who could tell him how he’s truly feeling. I don’t know who is this kid I’m trying to imagine. Maybe he is the other “Asriel” I have been talking about with this diary. Well, this person is not me; how could it be? He’s not real. No, he wouldn’t be loved, he would just be left alone in the castle, always waiting.
WHY?
Honestly, what was I thinking?!? I brought him over next to the river at night. After such a fun day, after gifting him a friendship bracelet, after everything felt so right, next to the river, I see his notebook fall from his briefcase, right in the page where it was written (Azzy + Andrésen) inside a heart. He have such a beautiful name. The same name of that human that captivated me so long ago…
That was it. All the signs, all the clues, the universe became tired of me and just told me. I was so happy, so shocked I couldn’t move…
WHY? WHY YOU IDIOT? I CAN’T BELIEVE HOW STUPID YOU ARE? YOU LET HIM GO AWAY?? YOU HAD ONE JOB! I HONESTLY HATE YOU!
I have been calling him all night, but of course he won’t answer my calls. That’s it, I
I can’t finish writing, I have been crying while thinking how to finish this. Just. I just didn’t want to hurt anyone with inaction. And most of all, I want to say what I’m feeling. I had the chance and
It’s okay to be sad
A New Day
Wow. Can’t believe I ended the story on such a defeatist note. It sucked. I really did just, lost my lover and never talked back to him, or came back to confirm that I’m okay.
Weird
Kris gave me this diary again. I felt so surprised they had found it. I genuinely thought that after burying it deep below in the forest nobody would ever find it , but all they said was “I didn’t read anything. But I figured you should read it.”
I didn’t get it, but after reading it over these nostalgic pages, laughing and empathising with my highschool years I found something.
(It’s okay to be sad)
I don’t know who wrote it.
I didn’t.
These are some wise words. And when I think about it, I can’t stop imagining someone… I used to be so reckless about my emotions. Never truly worked on them, simply telling myself “Just keep smiling” “Just wait for the right time” “Just don’t be sad”.
I don’t know who wrote it. But I’m proud of you. You grew up. I grew up.
I’m thirty-one now. Can you believe it? I barely can’t, honestly. Sometimes it still feels like I’m that child that just met Andrésen. I’m back home and I can tell you now with clarity, I don’t hate you.
And now I’m here because I’m going to start a new chapter in my life. So let me start with a banger. For both of us. And just like that guy told me, there’s no better start than spoiling the end, to show confidence.
And I’m confident, after finding happiness, in what I’m saying. So, here it goes;
Me and Andrésen, also known as Pizzapants, are getting married tomorrow chicks!
Fin