Chapter Text
"You're pregnant."
Jhoanna leans back into the kitchen chair, barely registering the phone falling loudly onto the table. She stares at it for a few seconds, before she remembers the doctor was still on the line.
She quickly picks it up, takes a breath. "I'm sorry Doc, what did you say?"
The doctor chuckles softly on the other end. "You are very much pregnant Jhoanna."
Jhoanna hunches forward, leaning onto the table. She brings a hand to her face rubbing her fingers back and forth over her eyes, trying to keep the tears from falling. "It finally took?" She asks quietly, her leg bouncing up and down.
The doctor sighs this time. "It finally took," she repeats. If you could hear a smile, Jhoanna is sure she hears one in the doctors voice.
A choked sob makes it's way out of Jhoanna's mouth. She tries to cover it up as best she can, pressing a hand to her mouth tightly, to no avail. The doctor offers quiet comforts, which only seem to make the sobs louder. She can't believe it.
Happy. That is the only word she can think of to describe this feeling that is taking over her body. She is totally and inexplicably happy. It finally took. After months and months of planning and trying and trying some more, it was happening. They were going to have a baby.
They were going to have a baby.
Jhoanna smiles into her hand, shaking her head. She gives herself another minute to take everything in. Let's it sit for a while, then she clears her throat and wipes the tears from her eyes. This is not the person she wants to share this moment with. She offers the doctor a rushed out 'thank you' and 'yes, you take care too,' before hanging up.
She stares aimlessly at the clock hanging on the wall, Aiah was going to be home soon. She clasps her hands tightly together and holds it between her thighs and bites her lip.
She couldn't wait to tell Aiah.
-
They've been lying in bed for the better part of an hour, the muted TV casting a bright light into the otherwise dark room, the Thai takeout strewn somewhere off to the side (where it will probably stay until Aiah cleans it up when she get's up for her three in the morning glass of water) as they bask in the comfortable silence they've spent years building up.
This has quickly become Jhoanna's favorite part of the day. After work and errands and the occasional fights, they always came back to this. Them, together in bed. Passionate caresses or warm cuddles. Talking about their day or enjoying the quiet. Just being...together. Always together.
To think of all the dreams she dreamed up, she doesn't know how lying in bed with one Aiah Arceta wasn't one of them. Either way, she's glad it came true.
"I can't wait until you start showing," Aiah says, rubbing at Jhoanna's still very flat stomach, breaking Jhoanna out of her reverie.
Jhoanna laughs. "You've got a thing for pregnant women, Arceta?"
Aiah stops, leaning up on her elbow. "Nope, just one," she says, her voice serious. She throws an arm over Jhoanna's side, her body now hovering over Jhoanna's. "I love you."
Jhoanna smiles. "I love you." She rubs her hands up and down Aiah's arms.
"And you make me so happy."
Jhoanna's smile widens. "And you make me so happy." She wraps her arms around Aiah's neck and firmly pulls her wife's body down onto hers. She kisses the spot behind Aiah's ear, lingering to whisper, "the happiest I have ever been."
They know it's still early. Things could still happen. Or not. But Jhoanna is sure Aiah is going to burst if she can't talk to someone other than her about this. It's cute. It's a good problem to have. So three in a half months into the pregnancy, Jhoanna mentally makes a list of people they could possibly tell – trustworthy, quiet people - and waits until Aiah gets home from work to let her decide on who exactly.
Jhoanna figures the list isn't necessary, that there were really only two people Aiah would want to confide in. Debbie, who she's unsurprisingly grown close to. Or Fons, her right hand man. The guy who knew all to well what it was like to be part of the group, but not quite in the group. Aiah surprises her though, brings up Jhoanna parents, who weren't even on the list. Says, 'it would make them happy.' Jhoanna can't and doesn't really want to argue.
So the next day, after much deliberation(on the how) and a pit stop at the local book store, they make the nine hour drive to her parents house.
Her parents are all smiles and more than a little excited to see them. A 'happy surprise,' her mom says. 'Took you long enough,' her dad grumbles.
Her mom makes them coffee (Jhoanna politely declines) and pulls out some well timed, freshly baked cookies. Her dad pushes them towards the dining table, where the sit and talk.
And talk and talk some more, until Aiah's bouncing leg beside her becomes too much. So she pulls out the "gift" she quickly wrapped in the car and hands it to her mom. Aiah covers Jhoanna's hand resting on the table and squeezes. Jhoanna wants to offer her a smile, but she's afraid she's going to cry, so she just squeezes her hand back and watches as her mom carefully unwraps the wrapping paper.
A confused expression takes over both her parents faces as the book lies bare on the dining table. It's quiet for a while, until her dad's laugh, loud and warm, takes over the room.
And thank goodness for him, she was worried for a second that they wouldn't get it. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
"Where the Wild Things Are? Trying to keep us young Jho?" Her dad grins.
Well never mind.
"Thank you honey. I...I don't really know what to say." Her mom frowns, looking between the two of them.
Aiah chuckles, releases Jhoanna hand and grabs the book. "We were thinking you could put it away for a little while. Bring it back out in like, six months," she says as she casually waves the book around. "You might...meet someone you want to read it to then," Aiah finishes, smirking. She places a pointed finger on the book and slides it back across the table.
"But this is a kids book. Who exactly would we me-" Her mom gasps and jumps from her seat. "Oh my god," she cries, tears instantly falling from her eyes.
Jhoanna nods her head, answering the question her mom didn't have to ask. Her blurred vision and damp cheeks letting her know that she's crying too. She's vaguely aware of Aiah kissing her head and her mom hugging them, that inexplicably happy feeling taking over her body again and making her numb to everything else.
"Wait, what? Who are we meeting? Someone please tell me what's going on."
After a little bit of coaxing from Jhoanna, Aiah paints the spare room a neutral yellow (they want the sex of the baby to be a surprise). She would help, but Aiah has always taken the over-protective significant other role a little too seriously, more so since she's been pregnant. So Jhoanna sits just outside the door (Aiah doesn't want her breathing in any toxic fumes) and listens to Aiah grumble on and on about how ugly the color is. How sick it makes her just looking at it. How sorry she is and okay, she'll shut up now, just please sit down.
Aiah is so meticulous and precise about every line and stroke of the paint brush because she, in her words, 'wants this ugly room to be perfect. And two hours into the listening and watching, Jhoanna falls asleep, her head cocked against the side of the door.
She wakes up in their bed, groggy and disoriented. She's not sure how long she's been out, but it's long enough for Aiah to finish painting the room and apparently buying and putting together a crib. Right now though, Jhoanna cries for what feels like the hundredth time and she's sure it won't be the last.
"Bubby, what's wrong? Do you not like it? We can take it back and get another one. I'm sorry. I was just trying to-"
Jhoanna shakes her head. "It's perfect, bubs."
"Then why are you crying?"
"Because it's perfect."
"We're having a girl," Aiah says suddenly during dinner.
Jhoanna chokes on the water she was drinking. "What?" Aiah couldn't have said what she thought she did.
Aiah scoots her chair out, going around the table to where Jhoanna is and pulls her chair out, kneeling down in front of her. "We're having a girl."
Jhoanna opens her mouth, only to have it covered by Aiah's hand.
"I know you wanted it to be a surprise, but I couldn't wait. So I called the doctor and..." she trails off, removes her hand from Jhoanna's mouth, using it to move the hair out of Jhoanna's eyes. She smiles, big and wide and Jhoanna is sure she's falling in love with her all over again. "We're having a girl," Aiah says again. "And I was going to respect your decision and not tell you, but every time I look at you, I picture a little girl with pigtails and moles that looks exactly like yours and I'm sorry, I couldn't hold it in anymore." The words jumble out of her mouth and she ducks her head down.
It takes Jhoanna a moment to hear everything, get everything she's saying. But eventually she does and it fills her up with warmth and all this love that she has for this woman and this baby that hasn't even been born yet. This baby girl that hasn't been born yet. "We're having a girl," she breathes out.
Aiah looks up, brings her hands to caress Jhoanna's cheeks. Nods.
Jhoanna grins and throws herself at Aiah, knocking her down. "We're having a girl," Jhoanna says again and begins peppering Aiah with kisses.
"We're having a girl."
At exactly four months, Jhoanna decides she's going to tell the girls. With too much excitement and her nerves threatening to get the best of her, she calls them up. She has to stop every few seconds to control her breathing, but apart from a few minor slip ups and one instance when Aiah had to take over the conversation because Jhoanna started to tear up, the group phone call is a success, their six very confused friends planning the trip down.
Four days later, the seven women are having a much needed catch-up lunch in Jhoanna's kitchen. Aiah was supposed to be here, but she told Jhoanna she had 'stuff to take care of. She couldn't look her in the eyes and she stuttered the entire time and Jhoanna is positive she's lying to get out of it. She doesn't entirely know why, but she decides to let it go.
Sitting here now with all of them, talking and laughing like they don't live hours and cities away from each other. Like everything is the way it always was, which it kind of always is when it comes to their friendship, Jhoanna is grateful to have this time alone with them.
She tried to think of some creative way to tell them, but anything that came to mind didn't really feel like them. So she settles on simply telling them.
With their tears falling fast and their arms tight around her, she's sure they don't care.
And this, she knows, feels, is them.
They stay like that, just hugging for a long time. Long enough for Jhoanna's 'baby tears' to turn into 'I missed this' tears.
Eventually, they break apart. And her friends waste no time in giving her the third degree.
"Oh my god, I have so many ideas for the baby room," Sheena squeals, clapping her hands together.
Jhoanna winces. "It's already done Shee."
"What?!"
"I'm sorry."
Colet pushes a still grumbling Sheena aside. "How did you...when..." Colet stops, presses her lips together and takes a deep breath before continuing. "Why didn't you tell us you were trying? We could have been there for you, Jho."
Jhoanna grabs one of her hands and squeezes. "I know. We just didn't want to make a big deal out of something that might have never been." Jhoanna reaches out to grab Sheena's hands and pulls her down next to her. "I need you guys now though."
They nod, throwing their arms around her again.
Jhoanna laughs through the still falling tears, her arms still firmly wrapped around two of her very best friends. Her eyes dart around the house, looking for the pieces to their forever puzzle.
They land on Mikha, Stacey and Gwen sitting in the kitchen, Mikha's arms flailing around and her voice loud and mockingly angry floating into the living room. She seems to be 'talking' to Aiah. And now, Jhoanna kind of get's why Aiah had stuff to do.
"I still don't know why you couldn't wait until I could help with the room."
"Sheena, shut up. You're ruining the moment." Maloi said.
"No, your tiny arms are ruining it."
"How?"
"Will you both shut up," Mikha yells, her hand covering the phone. "Jho, handle them. This is perfect practice for when that baby is born."
Jhoanna smirks, a glimmer in her eye. "Knock it off or I'm leaving you with your Tita Mikha," Jhoanna says loud enough for Mikha to hear.
"I heard that."
"I know."
Jhoanna makes a mental note to never wait this long to get together again. She misses them just thinking about it.
"Why can't we just name her Jhoanna?" Aiah says, rubbing Jhoanna's feet as she watches her series.
They've been sitting on the couch for the better part of an hour, going through the 'Big Book of Baby Names' that Jhoanna's had bought earlier, in the hopes that they'd either find a name or get the semblance of an idea of one. They've had no such luck so far.
"Because that's my name," Jhoanna says, dropping the book down onto her lap and frowning at Aiah.
With her eyes still on the TV, Aiah says, "so, she'll probably look exactly like you. And we both know she'll have me wrapped around her little finger as much as you do." Aiah stops when a commercial comes on and looks at Jhoanna. "She'll basically be a mini you, might as well have your name."
Jhoanna pulls her feet out of Aiah's lap and grabs the remote from the coffee table, turning the TV off, before she turns back to Aiah. She crosses her legs and glares at her. "Bubs, no."
Aiah frowns at the TV for a few seconds, before turning it on Jhoanna. "Why not?"
Jhoanna rolls her eyes. "It's weird and odd and weird."
"It's not that weird."
"Bubs, we're not going t-" Jhoanna stops herself, grinning, as idea forms in her head. "Okay, close your eyes," she says, scooting closer to Aiah. "Hurry up," she says, patting Aiah's legs and waits.
"But..."
"Shhh...just shut up and do it. Please." Jhoanna kisses the still present frown on her wife's face and not being able to wait any longer, puts a hand on Aiah's eyes, closing them for her.
"Bubby, what-"
Jhoanna puts her other hand on Aiah's mouth, quickly cutting her off and decides to keep it there. "Okay, now imagine when our daughter is born, right. And it's been weeks since we had any time alone," Jhoanna pulls her hand away and waits to see if Aiah was planning on saying anything else. When she was sure Aiah would stay quiet, she continues. "So finally she's sleeping and we decide to make the most of our time and one thing leads to another and we're kissing and touching and you're enjoying it and in the heat of passion a name pops into your head."
Aiah is grinning and nodding along, clearly enjoying Jhoanna's hypothetical situation. Good, because Jhoanna was just about to blow it up.
Jhoanna smirks. "Is it my name or your daughter's?"
Aiah's pulls away from Jhoanna's hand, which is still covering her eyes. "Bubby-" she stops, her face full of disgust. "Why would you even...? I just..." She blows out a breath. "I can not believe you did that. You're terrible."
"I was trying to prove a point."
"Consider it proven. I'm never going to get that out of my head. I don't think I even want to call you Jhoanna anymore."
As Jhoanna is going through a fit of laughter that even she can admit, is a little too much, Aiah abruptly stands up and begins pacing back and forth in front of her.
"Bubs?" Jhoanna asks, very confused.
Aiah stops in front of her. "What about Lara?"
"Lara?"
Aiah nods, grinning.
Lara. Little Lara. Our daughter Lara. "Lara could work."
Five months in, she starts having pain. It doesn't bother her too much, but she calls the doctor just to be safe.
"If it gets worst, come in. Otherwise, I'll just see you at your next appointment."
She sees her the next day, the pain too much.
"I don't see anything out of the ordinary, but we'll take some tests just to be sure. It's most likely nothing. You're young and healthy and you shouldn't worry too much."
She loses the baby a few days later.
Jhoanna can't help it, she feels like it's her fault. That it was something she did or didn't do. That she could have prevented it somehow.
She knows what the doctor said. What Aiah keeps saying. That it's not her fault. That there was nothing she could have done differently that would've changed the outcome. That sometimes, things just happen that is beyond anyone's control.
That doesn't change anything.
Because she knows. She knows it wasn't her fault, but she feels like it is. And she apologizes to Aiah over and over again. And of course Aiah is right there by her side. Rocking her back and forth as she cries, holding her hair while throws up because she is sick to her stomach with the loss. The now constant emptiness.
She was pregnant. She was going to have a baby. They had a room. They still have a room.
She breaks down again. "I just want her back. Why can't I just have her back? Why did they take her away from me?" She turns into Aiah, crying into her shirt. "Why did they take her from us? I just want her back."
"I know Jho, I know."
She just wants her baby back.
They've been fighting a lot lately. About everything. About nothing.
"You've been working a lot lately."
"I don't like that color on you."
"You're just...different."
"What's going on with your hair?"
"Why don't you ever want to talk about it?"
"What are we going to do with the room?"
"What are we doing?"
"I don't know, Aiah."
Looking back, Jhoanna realizes it was all too much. Losing the baby. It was just too much, too hard to talk about. But they should have talked about it. She wishes they talked about it.
Now when they talk, it's all professional.
"She can have the house."
"What am I going to do with a four bedroom house?"
"She can have the car too."
"I don't want the car."
"It doesn't even matter anymore."
"I don't want anything, Aiah."
Just you. But she doesn't tell her that. Doesn't tell her how much she still loves her. How much she will always love her. She feels like it's inappropriate even thinking it.
"Jho...anna?"
"Aiah?"
A breath. "Hi."
A smile. "Hi."
"Today's the d-"
"I know."
"I want to... Can I...can I see you? Please."
"Where?"