Work Text:
Nobody would notice if a single grain of sand in a desert went missing.
Thoughts similar to that buzzed loudly in Kenma Kozume’s head, drowning out anything else, whether negative or positive.
The second year’s hair was rough and tangled, with heavy eye bags under his golden eyes. His eyes were dull and empty, looking directly at the ground as he walked to hell, otherwise known as school. Clusters of clouds covered the sky and sun, he was glad it wasn’t sunny, he despises sunny days.
Walking past the convenience store, the savory steam of oden curled around him. He glanced at the store absently. He hasn’t eaten breakfast yet, and debated in his head whether or not to purchase the food. His stomach said yes, yet his brain objected. He decided not to, it wasn’t like he would die or anything without just one single meal, right?
The pudding-haired teen walked past the lively store, kicking a small pebble on the hard concrete path as he passed. Kenma walked, his stomach growled loud enough that he could hear it. Quickly, his face began to heat up. That embarrassed him a lot, even if there wasn’t anybody around him at all. His stomach was practically begging for food, but he didn’t want to purchase any. It wasn’t worth the time and money. Kenma unzipped the front pocket of his bag and pulled out a strip of sugar free gum. Unwrapping it, he put the piece in his mouth and carelessly shoved the wrapper somewhere in his tote bag.
Normally, he and Kuroo would walk to school together, but apparently he had to skip school for a bit in the morning for a family event or some sort. If he were to walk alone, it’d take him ten minutes or so. But on the other hand with Kuroo, it shortened by five. Kuroo would always be early to events and activities, while Kenma would be just on time.
Finally, he arrived at Nekoma High, great. Kenma took his first step in and already knew his day was going to be horrible. He walked to his class, sat down, and then everything else was a blur. All Kenma could remember was the sound of his teacher lecturing the class, and the insufferable squeaky sounds of chairs scraping the floor.
‘…RINGGGG’
The bell for lunch rang loudly all around the school grounds, the pudding-haired teen was sure he’d go deaf from the ringing some day. He covered his mouth with his hand as he yawned. Kenma sat up straight and stretched, his arms in the air, he looked like a house cat, awakening from its slumber. He grabbed his bento, also sneaking his Switch with him too. He got up from his seat and pushed the chair in, stacking his school books on top of each other as he did. Kenma left the classroom. The cat-like teen tucked his hands into his pockets, pressing his palms over a part of his Switch that was showing. His head hung low, eyes staring directly at the floor, shoulders slumped. He silently headed to the rooftop.
…
“Oi Kenma!” It was Kuroo’s voice. Kenma looked up after studying the ground all the way here, turning towards the sound.
“Hey..”
Around Kuroo were some of the Nekoma Volleyball Club team members.
Yaku paused from kicking Lev’s back and turned to Kenma. Lifting his hand midway in the air as he waved to the pudding-headed teen.
Kenma walked to the bench where Kuroo was sitting, and plopped himself down next to him. He pulled his Switch out of his pocket as he started it, and immediately began playing some survival game.
Lev blinked, “Kenma-san, aren’t you gonna eat your lunch first?” Lev stared at Kenma and asked, “You won’t grow and end up like Yaku-san if you don’t eat!”
Yaku’s expression darkened, veins popping on his forehead, “You fucking ass-“
Kuroo let out a chuckle, smirking. The others just stared, it was like, completely normal now seeing Yaku beating up the younger one.
The demon senpai then began smacking, kicking, and probably biting the younger, yet taller silverette. Lev ended up with multiple bruises on his legs.
“Ya-kuuuu-sannn~ how mean of you~” Whined Lev, arms swinging around.
Yaku rolled his eyes, arms crossed, pouting slightly, “Maybe if you weren’t being such a moron you wouldn’t have ended up like this.” The demon senpai shot a glare at Kuroo, as well
as Lev who was still blabbering gibberish.
Two, five, then ten minutes passed, and Kenma was still playing his Switch, his lunch untouched. Kuroo, being the type of friend he is, attempted to grab his Switch. In the process of grabbing Kenma’s Switch, the switch which was held the height somewhere near Kenma’s chest, fell on his thigh.. (That sounds so weird I kno [･_･; ] )
“Tsk—“ Kenma winced. Kuroo paused.
Luckily, Fukunaga somehow caught the Switch before it fell to the ground, and handed it to Kenma. They made eye contact, and then both looked away.
All of the volleyball club members apart from Shohei turned to the two. Some got an idea of the current situation, whilst others simply stared. The attention to Kuroo and Kenma were unbearable. Kenma shooed them all off, face & ears visibly reddening.
Lev turned to Yaku, whispering, “What was that about?”
Morisuke flicked the younger’s arm, “Nunya.” His tone wasn’t as harsh as before.
“My bad…Was that my fault?.” The third year’s eyes were filled with guilt. Kozume looked away, ashamed, his hands laid flat on his legs. His switch looked like it would break if he gripped it just a bit harder.
“No…Not at all..”
Anyone human being could tell that he wasn’t being honest.
“Alright, if you say so…Stop playing and eat your lunch though.”
“…Fine.”
…
Lunch passed, quickly yet slowly at the same time, and soon, it was time for class again. Kenma sat in his seat, facing the right way but not paying attention at all, too distracted by his thoughts. His mind was as if there were a bee hive in his head, buzzing and swarming around.
Kenma's hands scratched his wounded thighs, stopping when too much blood surfaced, bleeding through the bandages.
I'm broken. I’m not save worthy
I made Kuroo…my best friend worried
I feel so empty. Why can’t I just be normal
It feels so hard to simply stay alive
…
‘…RINGGG!’
The bell rang, school ended. Kenma stuffed his books and worksheets in his bag and left the classroom. Outside, Kuroo waited for him.
“Kenma! C’mon let’s go.” Kuroo’s smile looked forced.
“Mm.”
…
Walking together was awkward. The world was gray, no birds, no wind, just uncomfortable silence.
“Soo..” The black-haired teen started, Kenma made a ‘hum’ sound, allowing him to continue.
Kuroo, played with a piece of string from his shirt, “About what happened at lunch, mind explaining?” Kenma swallowed nervously.
“There’s nothing to explain.”
“Haaah? Nothing to explain? You literally winced when the Switch just simply fell on your leg! Like, not even high level! Yeah of course, you’d react somehow, but you literally winced, and whined! That’s not normal!” Kuroo snapped. Then, realising what he said, he lowered his tone.
“Sorry..”
Kenma stayed silent.
“If you’re not comfortable sharing it yet, I’ll wait, just know that me and the others care about you. We’re here for you.”
A lump formed in Kenma’s throat. The second year’s mouth opened then closed.
“We’re at your house now, cya tomorrow.” Kuroo waved goodbye, Kenma hummed back.
…
Pulling out keys from his bag, Kenma unlocked the front door of his house.
“I’m home..”
Silence.
Kenma took off his shoes, slipping into some silly cat slippers Kuroo got him for his birthday last year. Shame settled heavy in his chest. He stared at the cat slippers as if they embarrassed him. Planning to take out his lunchbox from his bag to put in the sink, he saw a note on the kitchen table.
To Kenma,
I won’t be home for a couple of days or so, don’t know about your ##### (Kenma’s father’s name) but probably the same as me.
I left you two hundred bucks on your desk, be responsible with the cash. If somehow it runs out, there’s more in my side drawer of my desk.
Also, clean your room, it’s messy.
Don’t buy any more of your game stuff for another month or so. Your dad won’t be happy.
-##### (Kenma’s mother’s name)
Kenma sighed. It was only April and this is the fifth time or so that his parents left him some money and just expected him to act as if it were a normal day. The house felt too big, too silent, the atmosphere too heavt. As much as Kenma hates to admit it, he wanted his parents to be home. At the same time, he wanted to be alone. He could blast music as loud as he wanted, stay up all night, and play games for as long as he
wanted without the fear of getting caught.
But it was lonely.
Grabbing a pack of apple gummies from a cupboard, he went upstairs.
He entered his room and locked the door. Kenma threw the gummies on his desk, knocking over an empty plastic bottle, and flopped on his bed.
“Ghh—“
Kenma groaned, he had landed on a clothing rack.
Frustrated, he threw the rack at his closet, causing a loud, hollow bang. He didn’t know why he got so upset over the smallest things sometimes, but he couldn’t help it.
…
The sun set and moon rose, stars covering the dark blue sky. Everything was quiet, with occasional insect sounds and the sound of Kenma breathing.
Kenma laid in his bed, he’d just finished showering, doing homework, and eating dinner (gummies). The second year just simply laid flat on his bed, doing absolutely nothing productive at all. Bad memories played in his head, scenes of him where he felt the most vulnerable appeared.
“Honestly, you should just kill yourself”
“Why don’t you just cut yourself more and run around to try and get attention”
“Insert text”
…
‘Tomorrow is the day that I’ll end it all’
Kenma didn’t have a reason for why he should stay alive.
…
‘BEEP, BEEP, BE-‘
Kenma turned off his alarm. He groaned as he sat up, arms pushing him up. The teenager was still clothed in his school uniform, socks and everything, he thought he might as well just wear the same thing anyways.
Kenma walked over to the bathroom. Shutting the door, he stared at his reflection in the mirror.
‘I look terrible’
Usually, he’d apply some of his mother’s concealer under his dark eyebags, but today was his last day anyways so why bother. The pudding-haired teenager brushed his teeth, washed his face, all of that. This was the first, and last time in a month or so he actually did proper hygiene.
After he had finished cleaning himself, he headed downstairs with his bag. He went to school.
…
Kenma arrived at Nekoma High.
And in a blink of an eye, it was already lunch.
…
At the rooftop, the Nekoma Volleyball Team were seated in a circle. Kuroo & Yaku sat on the bench while the others were on the concrete ground. Nobody noticed how off he looked.
Kuroo and Kenma said nothing the entire time, earning confused stares from the others.
Yaku was shouting at Lev as normal.
“Yaku-san! How come you never grow even though you have so much food in your lunchbox?”
“Urusei! Dumbass!”
Tetsurou would laugh over this, but today, for some reason not.
Fukunaga looked at Kuroo, then Kenma, then Kuroo, then Kenma, “You’re acting weird today Kuroo.”
Kuroo turned his head to Fukunaga, “Oya?”
“Nevermind.”
…
After school, Kenma left his classroom, walked with Kuroo, went home, change, the same cycle looping over and over again. What's the point of living if everyday was just the same as every other day?
…
Laying on his bed, Kenma just simply laid there. His eyes stared at the ceiling above. Turning his head to the wall, were silly drawings drawn by Kuroo and him using a sharpie. One that particularly stood out was a huge drawing of them two. The eyes were bigger than the other and the nose was crooked, but it was still perfect in its own way. They were such dumb kids, ha.
Nostalgia happened, now Kozume was remembering absolutely everything from his childhood, from scraped knees to furry cats, every single thing. Kenma remembered the time when his volleyball team won their first official match in intermediate school. He was ecstatic, though you couldn’t tell from the outside.
If only everyday were as great as that one, perhaps happiness wouldn’t feel so out of reach.
The teenager’s eyes stung with tears that were threatening to spill. He bit his lip, refusing to make any sound. Kenma slung his arm over his eyes. Feeling the wetness on his arms, he wiped it on his pants.
After calming down for a bit by just laying on his bed again, he sat up. Kenma slipped into the cat slippers and headed downstairs to the bathroom. Quietly, he opened & shut the door, locking it.
The pudding-haired boy pulled open a cabinet. Rummaging through the boxes and packets of medicine and plasters. He grabbed the bottle of sleeping aids. He brought them from the pharmacy before to help with his insomnia after being diagnosed. Kenma unscrewed the irritating child-proof caps and poured the remaining pills in the bottle into his palm. Holding his cup he got from the sink counter, he filled it up with tap water.
Kozume then slid down onto the cold bathroom floor and sat there with his cup of water and pills in his hand.
‘Do I really wanna do this?’
Kenma thought to himself.
‘Yes’
And there the answer appears.
Chucking a couple of pills into his mouth, he gulped a mouthful of water and tilted his head, allowing the pills to go down. He repeated the motion, pour, swallow, gasp, until the bottle was feather light with no pills remaining.
Kenma sat on the cold bathroom floor, waiting for the sleeping aid’s effects to occur, awaiting his death.
Half an hour later, which felt like only a few minutes, Kenma started to feel drowsy. His limbs felt like lead. His eyelids felt heavy and constantly opened and shut. His vision blurred. The room was as if it were spinning and tilting, also along with a swimming sensation.
Closing his eyes shut, he smiled softly.
Goodbye.
…
It almost worked.
A sharp, jagged gasp ripped through Kenma’s throat, jolting him awake. His lungs burned, like matches thrown on a pool of gasoline. The only sounds that Kenma could hear were the harsh and raspy sounds of him choking on the very air that he wished for him to not breathe anymore. His eyes were wide open, pupils dilated from shock, perhaps adrenaline.
Before he could process anything, his stomach lurched. Kenma slapped a hand over his mouth. Reaching his unoccupied hand towards the toilet bowl, ignoring the fact of how gross that could possibly be, he emptied out his stomach into the toilet. Mouthfuls of his stomach’s content gushed out, bile afterwards. He heaved and coughed until he couldn’t anymore, hot tears prickled at the rim of his eyes, blurring his vision until his surroundings mixed all together. The unpleasant taste of chemicals and sour puke lingered on his tongue. His throat had now also felt as if they were set on fire, great.
Kozume slumped on a wall next to him with his knees to his chin, arms slumped lazily around his legs. Neverending tears slipped down his cheeks, his nose sniffled every few seconds or so. It almost worked, almost.
Kenma thought he had ended the game he had played for so long and deleted all the progress already, but guess not.
Now the taste of pills were gone, replaced by the salty taste of tears, as well as the cruel realization of how he was still warm.