Work Text:
Dear Diary,
Zhang Jiahao hates me. Its official.
The thing is, I get him, I really do. In only a matter of few weeks he have had his whole life turned upside down. The doctor says his leg is gonna be okay and he would be able to walk at least but even just looking at the cast I can tell that it’s heavy–heavy with grief.
The MIU scholarship results come out in a week and half of the school is convinced I got in. It’s making me feel nauseous. I feel stupid. I wish coach hadn’t put my name as the captain. The jersey still smells like lemongrass and laundry detergent. It smells like him. And I wish I wasn’t aware of that but I do. And it hurts. It hurts so bad because I could see the exact moment Zhang Jiahao’s eyes recognised the jersey on me. Jersey number seven. His Jersey. And he looked away quickly, so nobody would recognise the flicker of hatred in them–but again–I do.
Days like these I wonder in silence. Does he know it was me who brought the lilacs and the get well soon note when he was admitted? Does he know that lemongrass is my new favourite fragrance?
He probably doesn’t. It’s okay. I am just happy to know he is recovering well.
I will admire you forever, ge. And I am sorry. For everything.
Sincerely yours,
AX
﹌﹌﹌
Zhang Jiahao hates parties.
No scratch that, he absolutely despises them. And that's a fact he had established quite a long time ago. Under any normal circumstances, he would've made an excuse and not come to this goddamn awful party but you see, its the last time the basketball team arranges a party, so of course he had no choice other than accepting the invitation.
The bustling noises and loud chatters resonates through the room as Jiahao sits there like the odd one among his teammates and that has nothing to do with the fact that he is the only one who isn't wearing his jersey. So Jiahao predictably takes a sip of the beer he had in his hand just to not be a part of the conversation his teammates are bickering about.
Oh wait.
His teammates?
Suddenly he feels bile forming in his throat just at the mere thought and it becomes difficult for him to breathe. They aren't teammates by any means. At least not now, considering Jiahao dropped out of the basketball team last term because of his severe leg injury. But the guys were generous enough to invite him to this party of theirs.
It is too much to take. Way much more than Jiahao can handle.
Because he could've been here. Could've been here taking part in this nonsensical bickering with the basketball team in his own jersey. Jersey no. 7, the team captain's jersey. Could've had the shiny M.I.U monogram pinned to his chest like Zhou Anxin has. Could've mirrored the same smile that now resides permanently in everyone's face because they made it throughout this hell of a school year and are now on their way to graduation. But that's the thing: Could've. And he is nowhere there, all because of this stupid leg of his.
Stupid. That's how he feels.
To see his own dream being chased by someone else and seeing his own life crumble down into nothing but ashes right in front of him while he stands there helpless. Jiahao wants to cry out loud so bad. He would honestly--if he hadn't gotten over that phase already. Unfortunately, even his own tears had given up on him, now that he had in fact accepted his own defeat even if it had to be in the form of balling his eyes out on Kaiwen's shoulder for three days straight.
Kaiwen.
He feels another pang in his heart. Chen Kaiwen. The most loveliest, kind and caring boyfriend Jiahao could ever ask for but can never keep around for the rest of his life. How could he? Because Kaiwen had always been the kid with big dreams. He had always wanted to study Performing Arts in a well reputed foreign university and keeping him around would mean tying down his dream sized wings while keeping him caged with no care because now with a broken leg Jiahao hardly believes any foreign university would offer him a Sports scholarship let alone the the one he had always dreamed of getting into.
No, Jiahao can not do so, that would be too selfish of him and he hates himself enough already to let any other load get added to it.
And hence, like other fairytale that comes to an end, theirs did too. Truth to be told, he saw it coming from the moment he begged Kaiwen to fill out the forms for his desired university even though the other wanted to stay by Jiahao's side for the rest of his life like the kind hearted guy he is. Thankfully Jiahao had managed to convince him at last. He had to let Kaiwen fly higher, even if it meant not having him by his side and only watching him from down here no matter how heart breaking the thought is. So when last week, Kaiwen came to Jiahao's room with a sad frown and tears threatening to fall down-- a horrifying contrast to the acceptance letter in his hand, Jiahao knew he had to do this right now or else he wouldn't be able to do it all. They broke up.
And bless the heavens above, he had that much self control in him, to not take off after Kaiwen who had practically stormed off the moment when those few words left Jiahao's mouth with a trail of his shattered heart pieces to whichever way he had gone to. Jiahao could only watch, watch and watch until the latter's shadow completely faded away, becoming nothing but a distant memory in his life.
Now that he reminisces the events of that afternoon sitting in an uninteresting party while drowning in solitude on his own, his mood sours even more. So, he gets up, quickly excusing himself from the din of crowd to have a breath of fresh air in his lungs again, something he needs badly right now.
Well, too bad for him because even before he could set a step outside of that place and garners the bravery to never look back at it again, a voice calls him. And it takes everything in him to not ignore it and run away never looking back, because the voice was so quiet and fragile he thinks that the person might vaporize into thin air if he doesn't respond.
"Jiahao gege."
Jiahao turns around only to find none other than Zhou Anxin looking up at him expectantly, the current captain of the basketball team and his arch nemesis if not more.
Okay, wait. Arch nemesis might be too strong of a word but the end line is: Jiahao hates him, no caps.
He hates how Anxin carries himself throughout each halftime, replacing Jiahao's role in the team just perfectly even though he is technically the youngest guy on the said team. He hates how Anxin managed to push in an Alley-oop the last minute with Xinlong--much like Jiahao used to the last season--bagging the win and a large share of praises overall, all too effortlessly. He hates how Anxin's hair bounches courtesy of the wild wind whenever he runs laps around the field. He hates how the guy always carries a duffle bag that is twice as large as him. He hates how the latter's snaggletooth shows up to accompany the singular dimple on his cheek when he laughs at something that could only be deemed as one of those unfunny jokes. He hates the way more half of the school is head over heels for this guy. He hates how the guy's ears turns red and he glances away shyly every time someone compliments him. He hates how he is the one chasing Jiahao's dreams of getting a scholarship at M.I.U when he had put his heart and soul just to score himself a place.
And he doesn't even know the guy personally.
But he hates himself more for hating on someone like Zhou Anxin. The sweet, sweet Anxin that everyone else is in love with. Even though they are practically strangers to each other who had never interacted outside of the ground, he had been nothing but kind towards him. Suren had told him that that the guy even brought a flower bouquet for him when he was recovering. Hence, clearly Jiahao is the asshole one in this self proclaimed animosity of theirs.
"Oh hello there, Anxin." Jiahao tries his best to sound sweet and could only hope that Anxin doesn't catch his acting skills quietly.
"How is your leg now? I am sorry that you had to go through this. I can't imagine how hard it must've been for you." Each of Anxin's words feel like a stab in Jiahao's already bleeding heart. Thank god he is too numb to feel the pain now.
"I am okay, really. You have nothing to be sorry about, it isn't your fault anyhow. And I heard about the flowers. Thanks." He reassures anyways
"It was no trouble. I hope you are recovering well."
"I am. Oh and I almost forgot--Congratulations for getting into M.I.U. I guess it's my turn to bring you flowers. " He tries to smile but the words feel bitter in his mouth. Guess, he still hasn't gotten used to it.
Anxin visibly frowns.
"Listen, if you hadn't led the team the way you did from the start, I wouldn't have even a blip on their radar. I would have never made it this far at the first place, if it weren't for you, ge."
"You think so low of yourself, Anxin. It's you who made it this far and that's all because of yourself." Jiahao says knowing each and every word is true. "But nevertheless, thank you. I am flattered that you think of me that way."
Jiahao does, in fact, feel like a prick now knowing surely that this rivalry was only one sided to begin with. And the young guy sees Jiahao as nothing but a mere stranger who used to be on his basketball team.
Anxin looks away, his ears turning a bit red.
"At least you know now. "
He mutters so quietly that Jiahao misses what he says and glances at him quizzically. Seeing the latter has no interest to repeat what Jiahao didn't catch him saying, Jiahao himself settles to divert the topic. Its getting too emotional for his liking.
"So, when does your semester start? I assume you have already got admitted to M.I.U?"
What Anxin says next shocks Jiahao to the core.
"Actually, don't tell anyone about this yet, but I have no plans of going to M.I.U. at all."
Why does Zhou Anxin not wanna go to the dream university of everyone on the basketball team? Jiahao wonders in disbelief. So he voices his thoughts out loud.
"Why do you not wanna go? I don't mean to pry or anything but why are you declining the opportunity that anyone else would die for to have?"
Anxin stiffens a bit and lets out a sigh, "It doesn't feel right to study in a university with credits that aren't even mine to begin with. I can't be just out there living your dream that you yourself have built up little by little with your blood, sweat and tears, Hao-ge."
Jiahao doesn't know since when they were on short name basis but he chooses not to question it. Rather he says, "Anxin, look at me."
He makes him look up, who previously refused to look at his face and places two of his hands on his shoulders in a reassuring manner.
"Its okay, really. I don't mind. And it's not like I can help the situation when one of my legs is literally broken. Also I don't know which part of you think that you don't deserve it all because if its anyone I know deserves that spot, it's definitely you Anxin. You are very hardworking and kind hearted, if it weren't you who deserves all the good things in the world, then I don't know who else does."
Woah.
Jiahao himself can't believe he gave that speech to someone who, he was sure stood, somewhere between stranger and rival even a few minutes ago. But oh well, here they are. And Jiahao feels a bit light hearted too when he notices Anxin visibly calm down a bit.
So colour him surprised when a lonely tear rolls down Anxin's face the next moment and he tries to hide it quickly by wiping it on his jersey sleeve.
Jersey no. 7. The one whose owner used to be Jiahao, previously.
All the emotions bottled up within himself keeps crashing upon hearing Jiahao's words. The same sweet Jiahao who he had admired for a good two year from afar because he was too afraid to approach. The same Jiahao who probably hates Anxin now.
"Stop saying all those things to me. Stop going all sweet on me, gege.'' He sniffs, "I know you hate me, so stop giving me hope." Anxin says as some more tears fall down from his eyes.
And Jiahao is damned because if anything he looks more ethereal under the party lights.
And its only now realization dawns upon him that Anxin had always been so beautiful. His heart is beating, his mind is going everywhere and anywhere and it physically hurts him to see someone as pretty as Anxin cry. There is an unfamiliar ache in his heart that desires to put an end to those spilling tears and bring back the latter's radiant smile back to its place.
God, he must've completely lost his mind.
"I don't...necessarily hate you, Anxin." Is all his brain can supply at the moment. And it's the truth. He may have hated the latter even a good five minutes ago, but he doesn't now. Not when the latter has allowed him to witness such a vulnerable side of his. It almost feels too intimate.
"You don't have to lie, Hao-ge. I know you do. It's in your eyes, I have drowned in those beautiful orbs of yours for so long that I can tell the exact emotion you are feeling whenever you look at me and its anything but happiness. It physically pains me to be the receiving end of it when I have been adoring you from far for all these days." Anxin spills his guts out.
Maybe its the alcohol in Anxin's system speaking and he is going to regret it later. But all he can think now is Jiahao, Jiahao and Jiahao. His heartbeat is beating crazy.
And Jiahao...Well Jiahao is too stunned to speak. Because what the hell?
The Zhou Anxin has feelings for him? And apparently has been adoring him from far all this time?
So taking in his lack of response, Anxin smiles sadly and says,"I-I am sorry. Look at me being all vulnerable when I know that you do not reciprocate a bit of the feelings I have for you, " He wipes his tears one more time, embarrassingly so, "I am sorry, I promise I won't dare cross path with you again. I will leave you alone. Sorry for dumping it all this way, its probably a lot for you take in. I am always making your life difficult, ain't I?" And he begins to walk away.
But it is that moment when Jiahao does the unthinkable. He stops Anxin by his hands. And the next thing he knows he pressing his own lips on Anxin's honey like ones. To absolutely nobody's surprise, Anxin responds immediately kneading his hands into the latter's hair.
The kiss is tender and nothing like the ones Jiahao has shared with Kaiwen. Rather it's full of raw emotions and it makes Jiahao feel all jittery inside. Anxin kisses him back harshly--as if he is scared Jiahao will vanish in thin air if he doesn't hold on too him hard. He pulls him close, impossibly close. And Jiahao lets him, gladly, as he basks in the feeling of Anxin 's lips some more.
When they finally part, both of them are gasping for air, panting hard.
"I am willing to try, Anxin . If you will let me that is." Jiahao finally says. "It might take me a bit time to reciprocate the feelings as intense as you have them for me, but I promise to give my best."
In response, Anxin smiles. A smile so bright that it would put the sun to shame and make the stars cry blinded by its beauty. And Jiahao feels happy to be the cause of it.
"I like you so much, gege you have no clue." And they kiss some more under the blurring party lights and incoherent noises.
Because now, the jersey isn't the only thing that they share now, but the blooming feelings inside their hearts too.
﹌﹌﹌
You know how the proverb goes right? When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
Well ironically enough, no one talks about how painful washing the lemonade maker is afterwards because thats the exact crashout Jiahao is going through right now: cleaning the lemonade maker. Quite literally.
It has been exactly four weeks since Jiahao started dating Anxin and let's just say it has been quite an experience. The latter is always so full of surprises.
Note today for example. When Jiahao comes back from the grocery store and sees Anxin laughing --with a sound velocity that should be considered borderline inhuman--at something his mother said while making lemonades together in his house, in his kitchen consider him shocked. Because he swears he does not remember giving Anxin the address of his house, let alone introducing him to his mother.
And that's not even the center piece of his shock because when Jiahao questions the two of them, this is what he gets in response:
"I am sorry I never told you this before, Hao-ge." He scratches his ears sheepishly while a shy smile takes place on his face. "We have actually known each other for quite some time now. I used to volunteer at the vet your mom works in! We met there and...this isn't even the first time I am visiting your house. I came here once before when you were out with your friends, hence we never met."
God knows what charm spells he had casted on Jiahao's mum because as far as his memory goes, his mother has never approved of any of his boyfriends before. Ever. Not even Kim Junseo, the nicest one on the list because of his stupid obsession of adding sad ballads on his not so aesthetic instagram dumps (a super valid reason, his mum had affirmed, kids at that age blasting soundtrack from the 80s is a sign of outdated mentality ; call it feminine intuition or whatever she had been right about it all along) and Chen Kaiwen was a far cry at that.
Point is, Jiahao’s mum never had a problem with him being into guys, no, she encouraged it even. Bad music taste is where she draws the line. If the guy does not possess infinite swag, he got to go--that's the rule she set around here.
But, of course it's Zhou Anxin and his string of surprises is apparently endless, because the next thing you know, Anxin is calling Jiahao's mum as his mum too.
In fact, has been calling her that for the past two years that they have known each other. Fine. Whatever. It's not like Jiahao has any objections about that. What he does have an objection about is his mother's evergrowing bond with the guy.
Because here's what Jiahao's mum had texted him in the lieu of a fake bathroom break:
[mother dearest😈 ]
>I didn't know you two were dating.
>When were you planning to tell me?
[me]
when were YOU planning to tell me you adopted another son behind my back<
was I not enough<
[mother dearest😈]
>Okay fair.
>However.
>We are keeping him.
>Here.
>Forever.
Here, as in Jiahao's life. We, as if his mum had been playing some kind of crucial part in their relationship all along. It's concerning.
Back to the current situation: washing dishes is not one of Jiahao's favorites works out there (neither anyone else's for that matter) and nor is it the easiest.
And this lemonade maker seems to be getting on his nerve more than he had ever imagined. To top it all, Anxin thought this was the right time to cling to his boyfriend from the back and litter his neck with kisses because that's exactly what he is busy doing right now.
Jiahao groans when a bit of the foam flies and lands right on his temple. And predictably, his boyfriend bursts into a fist of laughter.
"You know, you could have just sat there in peace and let me help you out with the dishes cause clearly, you are struggling, gege." Anxin says in between his laughter.
Jiahao only gives him the side eye and continues what he was doing. "Oh please, and then the next thing you know I am being put up for adoption because undoubtedly, you are her favorite kid out of us two."
Anxin lets out another breathy laugh in his neck. And oh, it's more pleasant than any other musical instruments Jiahao has ever heard in his life. Shame on those heavenly angels because they don't even hold a candle next to Anxin .
"Is it okay if I ask which university are you planning to enroll in? You don't have to tell me if you feel uncomfortable of course." Anxin asks a bit softly when he is finally done with the dishes and making his way back to his room.
It's this side of his boyfriend that Jiahao finds rather endearing. He doesn't have to ask for permission to ask his own boyfriend simple questions but he always does anyways. Because he never wants to make things awkward with Jiahao.
"Its okay, Anxinie. I have been thinking to apply for E.I.T. They are the best for journalism degrees from what I have heard."
"Great! Then thats the university I would be applying in too. And its not even far from where we live so thats a plus."
Jiahao frowns.
"Anxin, I thought we were over this. Why do you insist on not going to M.I.U when you clearly a bright future ahead of you?"
Anxin shakes his head and puts his arms around Jiahao, trapping him in a proper hug.
"Thats not it, Hao-ge. I have always wanted to master in Music from my childhood. These trophies, medals and loud cheers just aren't my scene, stages and tape recorders are more like it."
"Don't say that, Anxinie. We can't afford to lose a great player like you to higher education." Jiahao jokes at first but the next second his voice turns into a serious one, "But in all honesty, if you think that's how you want your future to look like, I say go for it. I will always be by your side no matter which path you choose and sorry for imposing it on you like that earlier." He finishes as his eyes practically lights up seeing the satisfied look on his boyfriend.
"You...aren't going to judge me for that, ge?"
"Never. I am always here for you."
Jiahao plants a kiss on Anxin 's temple, adoring the way he leans in afterwards. It's similar to a cat and it makes Jiahao feel all jittery inside.
"Thank you so much for trusting me on this. You are the best boyfriend I could ever ask for." Anxin says, trying his best to not get lost within the millions of stars inside Jiahao's orbs as he stares at his eyes.
Jiahao smiles and runs a hand through his boyfriend's hair. "But I don't get one thing though. If you had plans of majoring in Music from the start, why did you join the soccer team instead of the music club back then?"
Anxin only hides his face in Jiahao's neck forming some incoherent response that he is unable to hear. Again, it's adorable.
"Please do me the favour of repeating your words because I swear I can't make out a thing." Jiahao says rolling his eyes in the process.
Its only now Jiahao notices the tinge of pink all across Anxin's face. Oh, he is blushing.
"Its because I wanted to get closer to you, gege. And that seemed to be the only way my brain could think of at that time."
And just like that Anxin manages to surprise Jiahao once again, except this time it is backed up with more love and affection towards the younger because Jiahao thinks he might be falling in love after all. Slowly but surely.