Chapter Text
This, Ilya thinks to himself, is a monumental occasion.
Shane Hollander is asleep in Ilya’s bed.
They’ve never spent the night with each other before. They have a well established pattern. Quick, fantastic encounters and hasty retreats. It’s like following a script. Even though the last part has been getting harder lately.
These days, Ilya really has to force himself to get out of Shane’s bed. Which why he’s so awed by the sight next to him. Shane looks so soft in his sleep, unbothered by the barrage of thoughts that seem to plague his mind during the day.
It’s not even a hotel bed with the stiff white sheets. This is Ilya’s actual bed. In his home. He finds himself holding his breath. As if one wrong move might break the spell that has him bewitched. Shane will wake up. Leave. As painful as it is to admit, Ilya wants him to stay. Desperately so.
He’s not entirely sure how the unspoken rule of leaving cemented itself into place. It just became their routine. Shane would leave, flushed and polite. Or Ilya would leave, wishing he was brave enough to say he wants to stay. But this? This is a miracle.
He should probably wake Shane. The man didn’t choose to fall asleep. He wouldn’t have chosen that. But Ilya wore him out so thoroughly that he’s out like a light. The thought brings a devious smile to Ilyas face. He takes advantage of the new situation, mapping the expanse of skin laid out before him. He’s counting freckles when Shane starts to stir.
It’s small at first. A little huff of breath as Shane shifts in his sleep.
Then a frown burrows itself into Shane’s face. He twitches, clinging to the pillow so tightly that his knuckles loose their colour.
‘Shane..?’ Ilya says quietly, not wanting to startle the man.
Shane doesn’t respond. His grip tightens, shoulder hunched in on himself. He can’t seem to catch his breath, it comes out hurried and ragged. ‘No-’ He mumbles in his sleep, barely able to gather enough oxygen to get the word out.
‘Shane.’ Ilya repeats, firmer this time. He pushes down the fear that’s starting to creep in. Shane is just having a bad dream. So why does Ilya suddenly feel like he’s been doused in icy water?
He reaches out. Will touching help? Make it worse? Ilya wishes he knew.
Before he can make a choice, Shane’s eyes are open, wide and panicked. He scrambles back, getting away from Ilya.
‘Is okay!’ Ilya assures him. ‘Only me.’ He moves slowly, leaning over to flick on the bedside light so that Shane can see him properly.
Sweat has gathered at the mans temples, sticking his hair down and glittering in the lamplight. His shoulders shake as he catches his breath, his eyes scanning over Ilya with recognition. ‘Ilya..?’
‘Hi.’ Ilya says weakly, not sure what Shane needs from him.
‘Hi…. Sorry.’ Shane says, almost like a reflex.
‘You’re okay. No need for sorry. Bad dream?’
‘Heh…’ Shane huffs out, running a hand through his hair. ‘Something like that. Did I hurt you?’
Ilya frowns, confused. ‘What? No.’
‘Good. I um, I can get kind of … thrashy? Sometimes?’
‘I don’t know this word…’
‘I don’t even know if it a real word.’ Shane huffs. ‘I move in my sleep. I’m hard to wake up. Sometimes people get hit or scratched if they’re trying to shake me awake.’
‘Oh. No. You did nothing like that… This happens often?’
‘Most nights.’ Shane winces.
‘Oh… Oh! This is why you don’t want to stay the night?’
Shane nods, looking embarrassed.
‘Hey, is okay. Can I hold you? While you settle?’
For a moment, it looks like Shane is going to say no. Like he’s going to grab his clothes and bolt. But instead, Shane nods his head and shifts back closer to Ilya. Ilya happily opens his arms to accept him. Shane’s skin is cold and clammy. He’s still shivering.
Ilya sits back against the headboard, pulling Shane in, holding him against his chest and wrapping the duvet around them. He runs his hand up and down Shane’s arm, trying to chase away the chills.
‘I’m sorry…’ Shane mumbles.
‘Bad dreams don’t scare me Hollander. Everyone has them.’ His traitorous mind brings up flashes of his own nightmares. He thinks of his mother. Thinks of how he found her. He pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind. Shane needs him to focus.
‘Not constantly.’ Shane huffs, sounding a bit more like himself.
‘I did. For a while.’ Ilya admits quietly.
‘Yeah..?’
‘Yeah. After my momma… After she died.’ He says, hoping that honesty will help Shane feel less embarrassed. ‘Every night. They gave me things. Some… what is the English? Small things you swallow, stop the pain.’
‘Medicine?’
‘Medicine. Yes. That helps. Let me finally sleep.’
‘I’ve tried them before.’ Shane nods against Ilyas chest. ‘They make me too nauseous.’
‘Nauseous?’ Ilya repeats, English becoming harder to follow as he gets more tired.
‘Sick.’
‘Ah… Maybe we have better medicine in Russia.’
‘Maybe.’ Shane chuckles.
‘This has been… for a long time?’ He winces, wishing he had the word he needed for this important of a conversation. It’s the first time they’ve talked seriously about their pasts. He doesn’t want to ruin it.
‘Something… really shitty happened when I was a kid. I can forget about it during the day. Live my life. But I can’t control it at night. It always creeps up on me.’
‘Do you want to talk? About the things you see?’
‘It’s heavy…’
‘I’m strong. I can handle.’
‘You don’t have to. I know we’re not… We don’t normally do this. Talk about real things…’
‘I can talk. I can be real. Talk to me.’ He wonders if it’s easier for Shane like this. In the dim light, back to Ilyas chest so they’re not making eye contact.
‘I was twelve…’ Shane tells him after settling on where to start. He moves his hand to intertwine with Ilya’s. ‘It’s going to sound fake.’ He warns. ‘Like some dumb movie plot. You can look it up though, there’s articles. They don’t mention my name. I was too young. They weren’t allowed to. So-’
Ilya presses a kiss to Shane’s hair, interrupting his spiral. ‘I will believe. You do not need proof.’
Shane exhales slowly. Ilyas other hand rests on the mans chest so he can feel his heartbeat start to slow back to a normal pace as the panic of the nightmare ebbs away. ‘It was some… criminal ring. Or whatever. They took kids, auctioned them off, sent them to whoever bid the most…’
Ilya swears under his breath in Russian. He doesn’t mean to, but his hold on Shane tightens, as if he can protect the memory of Shane from whatever is about to happen to him.
‘I don’t remember much. Which is probably a good thing. More comes back in my dreams I think, but it slips away by the time I wake up.’ He leans back into Ilyas embrace and takes a long breath before he continues. ‘I remember hands on me, stage lights, a tight box that they transported me in. Nothing like… happened to me, you know? I was taken, stuck on a stage and then the police showed up. They tracked down the forums on the dark web or whatever and found the location. Everyone who was involved is in jail now.’
‘Good.’ Ilya growls. ‘If not I would hunt them all down. Kill them.’
Shane exhales, almost a laugh but not quite. ‘I wish it would stop. But nothing works.’
‘Is it better that I am here? Or better alone?’
Shane considers it. ‘I calmed down a lot quicker than normal? It normally takes me a few hours.’
‘Hours… You work so hard and barely sleep.’
‘You get used to it.’ Shane shrugs, sounding so heart-breakingly resigned.
‘I think… From now, when we do this, when we are together, we stay the night, hm? When we can?’
Shane tilts his head to look up at Ilya. ‘Then you won’t get any sleep either.’ He pouts.
Ilya grins down at him. ‘I can cope. And when you are alone, if you want to talk, you can call me. We will talk.’
‘What if I wake you up..?’
‘I don’t care. I get to hear your voice. Worth waking for.’
‘Be serious.’
‘I am very serious. You call me. Okay?’
‘Okay..’ Shane says through a yawn.
‘Sleep. I will be here if you wake again.’
It’s a testimony to Shane’s exhaustion that he doesn’t argue. He doesn’t find a way to rationalise everything away. He just hums in acknowledgement, slowly drifting off in Ilyas arms.
Ilya doesn’t sleep. Doesn’t bother trying to.
He doesn’t want to risk his own dreams latching onto the new information. He doesn’t want to think about that young boy. So scared and alone.
So instead, he just holds Shane. Protecting him until morning.