Work Text:
Pushing the fire door open to the cold, dim stairwell, Cassie closed it behind her and slid down the wall so she was sitting on the bottom steps. Her heart was racing, her palms were sweating and she couldn’t stop shaking. She had just lost her second cancer patient, Brittany, in two days, the first being Roxie, and both women were mothers of boys around her son’s age. It felt like a sharp knife cutting through her heart reminding her that anyone could be next.
Wiping the tears from her eyes, she tried to breathe but her chest felt too tight. Pressing herself into the wall, the cold that came from it travelled into her back. Closing her eyes, she tried to force herself to breathe slower, inhaling and exhaling slowly but failing. Feeling more tears in her eyes, she wiped them away again and again. They just kept coming and wouldn’t stop. Everything just felt like too much and it made her question herself and her job. Cassie knew she should have immediately put her walls up the second she realised both women were dying but she was too focused on getting them comfortable and pain free to care about herself. Now she was having regrets, but she didn’t regret how she helped both her patients.
Hearing the door open, she hoped that whoever it was would ignore her. She pressed herself more into the wall and tried to slow her breathing so she couldn’t be seen or heard. She couldn’t deal with anyone right now, especially not Robby or Al-Hashimi getting up in her business.
“Doctor McKay? Cassie? Can I sit with you for a bit?”
Opening her eyes to look at Victoria through her tears, Cassie nodded her head and patted the spot next to her.
“How’re you doing?” Victoria asked, sitting a step higher than her. She went to reach out but stopped herself.
“Not good to be honest. I just can’t deal with all of this. I don’t know what it is with me but these two days have been so hard,” she replied as she leaned into Victoria and the younger woman wrapped an arm around her shoulder.
“Is there anything I can do?” Victoria asked as Cassie pressed herself into her for a little more comfort as the tears still came.
“I just want to be held but I hate people touching me but….” Cassie trailed off, wiping at her eyes again and pressing more into Victoria.
“But it’s okay if it’s me?” Victoria finished, knowing that they were a little more than friends, a situationship at best – they made out, had sleepovers, and done some over the clothing touching but that was it. Victoria was certain they both had feelings for one another but they were too scared to act on them.
“Yeah.” Slotting herself between Victoria’s legs, she wrapped her arms around her waist and rested her head against her heart. It was calming and the steady beat was soothing. Victoria gently rubbed soothing circles into her back, rubbing between her shoulder blades, and wiped her tears away.
Feeling Victoria brush her bangs out of her face, Cassie was able to take her first deep breath in a while. Being with Victoria made everything feel better. Her presence alone was enough to remind her she wasn’t alone.
A soft kiss was pressed against her temple and it made Cassie smile softly. Wiping away a few more tears, she had started to feel better since the younger woman joined her.
“Vic? After our shifts would you be willing to stay the night with me? I just feel so emotionally depleted, sad, and I need a night with someone who is close to me. It’s okay if you’re busy though, I can go to my parents,” Cassie said, feeling Victoria’s hand rubbing comforting circles into her back.
“Hey, I’ll definitely come over. Spending a night with you is a lot nicer than dealing with my mother for the second night in a row. She’s so adamant that I do surgery like her. I told my dad I might want to try emergency psychiatry and he was encouraging. He wants me to think on it until I finish my training but have everything ready to go if it’s what I really want to do.”
“I think that’s smart. You’d do really good in that field. I probably wouldn’t have said that a year ago, but now, I think you’d be great at it.”
“Yeah, working down here has taught me a lot. Mainly that my mother is a raging, condescending bitch and Robby can give her a run for her money sometimes.”
Laughing, Cassie looked up at Victoria and felt a lot better. Pressing a small kiss to her cheek, Cassie watched her blush a very soft dusk pink. A colour she loved on her.
“Harrison isn’t home tonight, it’s just gonna be us. What would you like for dinner?” Cassie asked, brushing the strands of hair that had fallen out of the hair tie behind Victoria’s ear. Deciding on dinner was a welcome distraction from her feelings.
“Whatever is open when we finish and hopefully get out on time,” Victoria replied. Pressing another kiss to Cassie’s head, she asked after a moment, “Are you feeling better now?”
“I am. I think. I should be able to get back to work now. I just can’t take any patients that might die on me. My heart can’t do a third one.”
“That’s totally understandable. I’ll be close if you need me at any point.” Pressing a kiss to Cassie’s head, Victoria held her close for a few more seconds before releasing her. “Are you ready to go back with me?”
“I am,” Cassie smiled, getting up. She felt a little better now and the tears had stopped.
Pulling Victoria into a hug, Cassie leaned back a little and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. She needed the comfort, and when Victoria kissed her again, she smiled and rested their foreheads together.
Hearing a commotion coming in through the ambulance bay, they ran out into the chaos and held back as Mel, Trinity, and Robby started to work on their newest arrival.
“McKay, Javadi, can you go check on Baby Jane Doe for me please?” Dana said, covering the mouthpiece of the phone with her hand.
“Sure thing, Dana,” Cassie replied. She could tell Dana knew she wasn’t doing well.
“She probably needs a bottle too while you’re at it.”
Hearing the baby crying, a nurse handed Cassie a bottle for her just as they were about to enter the room. Flicking the lights off, Cassie handed Victoria the bottle and swaddled the baby before picking her up and cradling her in her arms.
“You look so cute with a baby,” Victoria said, smiling.
“I’ve been here and done this before. Hand me the bottle please, unless you want to feed her.”
“I’m good, I’m good. I’m not good with babies,” Victoria replied, quickly handing the bottle over.
“I’m sure you’re a lot better with them than you think you are,” Cassie said, getting her to take the bottle.
“I can assure you, I’m not. If you ask my mother, I was so bad with other babies as a baby, it’s why I’m an only child,” Victoria replied with a saddened smile.
“Your mother certainly has a way with words. I’m sorry for how she treats you.”
“She’s been like that my entire life. My only friend I had, she said my mother was some form of abusive that hadn’t been named yet. Didn’t make me feel great but hey, I’m still here today.”
“I’m sorry, Victoria.”
“It’s okay. The second I can move out and into my own place, I’m doing it. Once I’m out from under her thumb, she can’t control every aspect of my life.” Stopping for a moment to pause and process, Victoria watched the baby. “How’s Baby Jane taking her bottle?” Victoria asked, changing the subject.
“She’s taking it well. She’s drinking like a champ.”
Finishing feeding, burping, and changing the baby, Cassie laid her back down and slowly rubbed her stomach until she fell asleep. Slipping out of the room, they entered the chaos again.
Doing rounds of her patients, Cassie checked on everyone and made sure everything was still in order. Being able to discharge an older patient with some medication to help them, Cassie was glad they were going home and not to the morgue.
The end of the day couldn’t come quick enough, and when it did, Cassie showered and got changed. She wanted the day to be over and she was hoping that Victoria would still be able to join her for the night. She just wanted a night with the woman she cared deeply for.
Spotting the young woman heading into the showers, Cassie brushed out her hair and sat down on the bench and messaged her son about his day. Harrison had been with his grandparents for the weekend and was loving every minute of it. Her idiot ex tried to get her to sign paperwork to take him out of the country for the celebration but there was no way in hell she was going to let him do that. She knew what he and Chloe were trying to pull. So soon after she had filed for fifty-fifty joint custody.
“You’re still here,” Victoria stated with a smile as she came out of the showers.
“Yeah. I wanted to wait for you and check you still were coming over tonight.”
“I definitely am. If my mother comes over, I’m not there. I told my dad I was going over to a friend’s place tonight, and he told me he’d try to keep it from her for as long as possible. Did I tell you she once showed up at Santos’s place to take me home because I dared to stay out and watch movies with her and Mel?”
“You’ve never mentioned that before. Damn. You’re almost twenty-one, she’s acting like you’re ten.”
“Tell me about it. She hopefully won’t show up tonight. I found and removed the tracking apps, yes I said apps, she had on my phone.”
“Victoria, babe, that’s insane. If she shows up at mine, I might end up with another ankle monitor,” Cassie joked, getting a smile out of her.
“We’d probably have joint ankle monitors. Once I get dressed we can head off,” Victoria said, getting her clean clothing out and getting changed in one of the stalls.
“Ready?” Cassie asked as she emerged a few minutes later.
“I am. Now about dinner, what are you feeling like?”
“Anything. I’m too tired to care.”
“How about Chinese? The place on the way to yours is good,” Victoria suggested, as Cassie pulled her phone out.
“I’ll order online so it’ll be ready for us. Any requests?”
“Satay chicken, steamed rice, maybe some egg rolls.”
“Got it.” Quickly ordering them a bunch of food, Cassie stood up and linked her arm through Victoria’s.
Making it out to her car, they got in and started the twenty minute drive home.
Stopping and picking up their dinner along the way, they made it back to Cassie’s place, parked the car, and went inside in record time. They were both exhausted and wanting to relax. Flicking the lights on, Cassie put the food on the dining table and headed to the kitchen. Getting them plates and forks, a set of tongs and a spoon, she began to dish up their dinner as Victoria got them drinks and set them on the table.
Sitting down in her usual chair, Cassie looked at Victoria sitting next to her and reached out, taking her hand. Giving it a gentle squeeze, she took a few slow and even breaths as she tried to leave work where it belonged. At work.
“Fuck, today was exhausting,” Cassie said, feeling Victoria squeeze her hand back.
“It really was. I hope tomorrow is calmer than what the last few days have been. It’s been crazy,” Victoria replied, leaning into Cassie.
Resting her head against Victoria’s, Cassie gave herself a moment to just feel. She could smell the soft scent of Victoria’s shampoo and it was a comfort she didn’t realise she needed.
“Are you okay?” Victoria asked, wrapping an arm around her and holding her a little closer.
“I am now we’re home. I just still feel really sad about our two patients who passed away. I just connected with them both and once I was away from them, the walls came crashing down.”
“I know. I’m sad about them too. It’s just hard when you get to know them and you’re the one there during their final hours.”
“It really is.”
Taking a deep breath in, Cassie picked up her fork and started to eat her dinner – she wasn’t hungry but she knew the physical sensation of hunger was there and if she didn’t eat something soon, she knew Victoria would convince her too eventually. Stabbing some satay chicken with her fork, she scooped some rice up with it and began to chew slowly. Her mind was still stuck at work, stuck in the stairwell where she couldn’t control her emotions. Feeling Victoria’s hand on her knee, she took another bite of her dinner and let the touch ground her.
Eating her dinner in silence, Cassie sipped at her peach iced tea and sighed. She felt a little better now that she had had something to eat but her mind just couldn’t disconnect from the events of the day. Feeling the tears burning behind her eyes again, she let out a shaky breath and felt Victoria pull her into her arms.
“Come here,” Victoria softly murmured, pressing a kiss to her head. “It’s gonna be okay.”
“I just keep thinking about Roxie and Brittany. Their kids are gonna grow up without mothers and that just breaks my heart. I keep thinking about if it was me in that situation and Harrison, and how I wouldn’t see him grow up.”
“I know it’s hard but you’re okay and you’re here and Harrison is getting bigger by the day. He’s almost as tall as me,” Victoria said, getting a soft chuckle from Cassie.
“It just sucks so much; I shouldn’t be this attached but I am,” Cassie replied, pulling back and wiping at her eyes. She didn’t want to start crying again.
“How about we watch a movie and cuddle up together to try and get your mind off it?” Victoria suggested, wiping a stray tear from Cassie’s face.
“I can think of other things that might get my mind off it too,” Cassie said, her blue eyes searching Victoria’s brown. “You are very kissable.”
“We can definitely do that,” Victoria replied, leaning in and capturing Cassie’s lips with her own, pulling her closer.
Giving in to the kiss, Cassie felt the weight of the day disappear. It was just her and Victoria, enjoying being together, loving one another. They still hadn’t discussed what their relationship was, and Cassie now knew what she wanted. She wanted Victoria in every way possible. To love her, to be with her, to cherish her. She didn’t care about the age gap anymore, her heart knew what it wanted and it wanted the funniest, most intelligent, and loving person in her life. Victoria Javadi was amazing and she wanted to be with her.
Breaking the kiss, Cassie rested their foreheads together and swallowed. “Can we talk about us for a moment?” She asked, reaching up and gently caressing Victoria’s cheek.
“Sure, of course,” Victoria replied, not knowing what to expect.
“Do you know what you want out of this? Do you want us to remain a kinda sorta situationship, or do you want a real relationship with me?” Cassie asked, feeling the air get trapped in her lungs as she said the words.
“Cassie, I’ve wanted a real relationship with you for months. I know you have a problem with our age gap and I don’t want to pressure you into anything you’re not comfortable with. I’m happy to take whatever, as long as I still get you in my life,” Victoria replied, reaching for Cassie’s hand on her face and pressing a kiss to her palm.
“I want a real relationship with you too. You are what my heart wants, the age gap be damned – I don’t care about that anymore. You’re an adult and so am I, and if we’re in love, there’s nothing that can stop us. I love you, Victoria, and you bring me so much joy and happiness.”
“I love you too, Cassie, I kinda have for months.”
“Come here,” Cassie smiled, pulling Victoria into her arms and pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “Do you want to watch something or head to bed?”
“Bed to be honest. I’m exhausted, and it means I get to cuddle with you all night.”
“Okay, come on, let’s brush our teeth and head to bed.”
Cleaning up the dining table and putting the leftovers in the fridge, they went through their night routine together and crawled into bed.
Wrapping Victoria up in her arms, Cassie pressed a kiss to her shoulder blade and closed her eyes. The day may have been filled with tragedy, but it ended with love. A love Cassie had never felt before. A love she was looking forward to with every ounce of her being.