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His soulmark first grows when he’s nineteen and first stepping foot on the USC Trojan’s court. He feels the heat that comes from the mark branching out and over his right shoulder. The feel of it is breathtaking. The feel of it is damnation.
His soulmark first gets destroyed when he’s nineteen. He feels the heat that comes from the mark being taken apart by Riko’s knife. The feel of it is breathtaking. The feel of it is painful. He feels the wetness track its way down his cheeks.
*****
His soulmark grows and heals itself when he’s twenty and the USC Trojan’s walk into their court. He feels the ice of it healing itself and then feels the heat of it branching further out. He doesn’t welcome it like he had last time, knowing now that having one is a punishment and nothing will change that. He’s merciless when he’s on for the first and fourth quarters. Jeremy Knox lets out a shaky laugh when he’s knocked onto his ass. Jean feels his heart sing.
His soulmark gets destroyed when he’s twenty. The heat is familiar from last year and this time he doesn’t cry. This time he numbs himself from the situation. This time Riko has someone else take, and take, and take until there is nothing else left to give. This time he believes the whisperings of nobody being able to love him because he’s nothing but a broken toy. This time he feels a little closer to the idea of death.
*****
His soulmark grows and heals itself when he’s twenty-one and Jeremy Knox walks into his bedroom at Abby Winfield’s house. The feel of it is unwelcome and Jean just wishes he could permanently remove the burden. His heart sings because it feels like he’s coming home for a second time. He numbs himself to that feeling and agrees to the offer, agrees to become a Trojan, agrees to Jeremy as his bunkmate, and agrees to him not getting the number three.
His soulmark does not get destroyed when he’s twenty-one. The tree branch has now reached to wrap itself around his bicep and curl down. This time the mark seems to want to stay. Jean doesn’t know if the pit in the bottom of his stomach is anger or the want to scream out in frustration. He lets a small tear track down his face.
*****
He feels the heat of it growing any time Jeremy and him accidently brush against one another. He tenses remembering the ruthless words Riko had spat at him time and time again. He starts to distance himself from Jeremy because he doesn’t need somebody else to fix. Jean throws himself into late night practices where he just whips the balls at an empty goal, hearing the harsh pound of each one hitting the Plexiglas reverberate. He throws himself into the gym. He throws himself into his schoolwork. He throws himself into everything but the familiar touch of Jeremy Knox.
*****
He’s safe, safe, safe. Safe from Jeremy. Safe from his teammates. And safe enough to change out without the worry that somebody else is going to see his soulmark. It has flowers in places, and they grow every time Jeremy comes into contact with him, or vise versa because as much as he hates to admit it, the way his skin burns when Jeremy touches him sends his heart racing.
He was safe, safe, safe. He was safe until Alvarez had barged into the changing room telling him to hurry is ass up. He was safe until she spotted his soulmark. And he was safe until the flicker of recognition flits past her eyes. Because he knows she’s seen Jeremy’s, everybody has, he doesn’t try to keep it a secret. But now Jeremy will have the confirmation and he will know that Jean didn’t want him. But he wouldn’t know why. And everything in Jean breaks at that single thought.
*****
Jeremy has been avoiding him for the past few weeks. Dancing around him stopped a day after Alvarez saw his soulmark. And now Jeremy is avoiding him, which is really working out somehow even though they bunk together and our constantly in one another’s presence. But they aren’t really. Because Jeremy won’t meet his eyes or even talk to him.
And he starts to believe even more everything that Riko had forced him into believing, because Jeremy hates him now. He hates him because Jean is his soulmate, because Jeremy doesn’t want to have some broken toy to try and fit back together. He doesn’t exactly blame him.
When they get back onto the bus after an away game in another city everybody seems to have come to the consensus that they are going to sit together whether they like it or not. The very last seat in the row is empty and Jean climbs in next to the window. His lungs constrict ever so slightly when the familiar smell of Jeremy’s shampoo hits. He’s missed that smell more than he wants to admit.
The first hour is spent in awkward silence and the pit that has sat in Jean’s stomach for the past 6 months grows even bigger he feels his throat constrict uncomfortably. He doesn’t know who he’s more angry at, Jeremy or himself.
He accidentally brushes against Jeremy when he moves in his seat, and they both watch as the soulmark that starts at Jeremy’s bicep curls it’s way further down so that it touches his wrist. Jean hears Jeremy let out a shaky breath, but he just sits there letting the truth hang between them for a few moments.
“I thought that if I stayed away it would get easier,” he admits softly. The truth catches Jeremy off guard slightly, but he seems to get it which makes him more anxious than before. “I wasn’t ever supposed to meet you, I didn’t want to because the thought of somebody loving me seemed impossible. Riko made it seem even more impossible. But then you walked into my room at Abby Winfield’s house and I knew. And I didn’t want to love you. So I pushed you away.” The words catch in his throat, but he gets them out with a shaky breath here and there. You weren’t allowed to love me goes unsaid but it hangs in the air.
“Jean do you know how impossibly dense you are?” Jeremy gasps out, but he curls his hand into Jean’s and watches as a flower blooms on his wrist and a vein curls into his palm. “Alvarez told me about your soulmark, and I was so excited at first but then I wasn’t. Because you had been avoiding me, and I knew that you knew. And I realized that you didn’t want to be my soulmate.”
“I couldn’t -- you weren’t supposed to be real. I didn’t think that I would ever have somebody love me, Jeremy. I’m just broken. I’m broken and you can’t love something that’s broken.” He wants to take his hand out of Jeremy’s, to end this entire discussion, but the burning of his nerve endings is welcoming. He wants to feel this every day of his life.
“You’ve seen me at my absolute worst, Jean. I’ve nearly bitten your head off because of how angry I can get, but you didn’t run away. For god’s sake you took me with you to the court when you haven’t done that with anybody else. I punched somebody for you, Jean Moreau, you can’t scare me off.” Jeremy takes his right hand hovers it over Jean’s knee until he nods his okay.
“Tell me what you’re scared of, Jean Moreau,” Jeremy breathes out when their faces are only centimeters apart.
“You. I’m scared of you, Jeremy Knox.” But he closes the distance between them softly. He brings his other hand up and cradles Jeremy’s face and starts rubbing soft circles into the other man’s cheekbone. He loves this man. He’s scared of this man. He’s scared of this man because he loves him.
*****
They’re laying in Jeremy’s bed together, Jeremy’s head resting on Jean’s chest and Jean is tracing the pattern of Jeremy’s soulmark. It’s Sunday morning meaning they have no practice. It’s been two weeks meaning that they’ve spent every waking moment together.
“How much money do you think I’d have to give someone for them to bring us breakfast?” Jeremy whispers into the open air around them and Jean lets out a soft laugh. They’ve talked about a lot. They’ve talked about the very faint lines that run on the outline of Jean’s soulmark. They’ve talked about nothing and everything.
“I think you’d have to pay them quite a lot of money knowing that they think we’ve spent the last two nights having sex,” he mumbles into Jeremy’s recently cut hair. They haven’t, had sex that is. Jean isn’t ready. That’s all he has to leave it at and Jeremy understands. That’s why he’s scared of Jeremy Knox.
“Listen, pal, I’m pretty sure that they have bets going on which one of us is the screamer.” Jean snorts and pinches the soft flesh under Jeremy’s ribcage. He yelps.
“It’s you.” Jean insists with little argument from Jeremy. But he does tap twice on Jean’s hip in question of yes or no, and when he gets his yes he makes it so that he’s straddling Jean. It’s a safe position. Jeremy seems to like it a lot.
“You seem pretty expressive when we make out though, so I’m thinking that you aren’t that quiet in bed either.” To prove his point he presses himself closer to Jean and captures his lips. It starts out slow and lazy, something that’s been the focus of this Sunday morning, until Jeremy picks up the pace dragging Jean along for the ride. His hands travel to lock into Jean’s black locks and he tugs ever so slightly, which pulls a groan out of him.
“Fucking whipped,” he mumbles into Jean’s open mouth when he pulls away to breathe. He scoffs in response. “I love you,” he announces without coaxing. Jean smiles against his lips.
“I love you too, mon amour.” Jean whispers.
They’re going to be okay.