Chapter Text
It was a panic, one quietly held by themself, as they shoved themself into the corner they scrambled into. Their fingers dig into their scalp and pull strands of hair out of their hair tie. They suck in desperate breaths and choke down whimpers as they bore holes into the floor. Their voice had given out before they even had the chance to use it, throat aching and crackling every time they inhale shakily, their lungs hurt from running as fast as they did, slipping past perceived threats as they hid away like some injured animal.
Don’t cry, they tell themself, as they dig deeper into their own head and stare at the floor.
There’s an odd feeling inside them, a growing, pulsing feeling, that swells in their chest, sits heavy like lead in their stomach, builds right behind their eyes. Don’t cry. It pushes heavy on their lungs, like a mass crushing what little space exists in their chest, pinching at their heart. It hurts! Yet, at the same time, it feels like nothing at all, numbing even. Heavy rocks have solidified in their gut, they’d certainly sink, they’d certainly drown in this. Or maybe someone hollowed them out and stuck them back in the world like they could continue existing as normal, like they wouldn’t drift away if they tried.
Conflicting, these feelings fight yet coexist and tangle together, biting, ripping each other apart as they hold on tight to the other, begging not to let go. It burns, and it freezes. It hurts, and they feel numb. They’re going to throw up, but they didn’t feel sick, their throat slick, saliva builds in preparation of vomit, but they would never get the satisfaction.
Tears sting at their eyes, but they blink them away and suck it down. They’re fine! This is all fine, it has to be fine! They’ve dealt with worse! A world renowned mindhacker such as them can handle anything! They handled soured minds and BUG manifestations that attempted to puncture them. They’ve dealt with threats of violence and murder attempts almost on a day to day! They can handle this! This little, nothing feeling— this quiet strangling feeling… they have to handle this. All by themself. There is no guards around to help, no captain to sweep them off their feet. No sweet voice from the ceiling to tell them it’s alright. No one is here to save them. They need to handle it themself.
Because what other option is there? They are a world renowned mindhacker. The strongest! What else is there to do?
Sit back and let this feeling consume them? Just because no one is around? Haha… no no that can’t be it! They— they still need— they can’t ask for help when no one will answer, they need to keep going, need to fix it themself! They need to just be better. They’re still useful! They still have worth!
See FORMAT!? They’re— they’re still of worth! They won’t let such nothing feelings consume them! They’re strong! They can still be put to work! Look FORMAT, please look! They are no track horse with a broken leg, they can keep going! They can still be a mindhacker! They are still useful! They promise…
They suck in another breath with a desperate gasp, and immediately cough roughly around their sore throat, hands shaking as they pull out more strands of hair, stuck between their fingers, scalp flaring in pain as they yank. They’re fine, they’re going to be fine. They have to be. Don’t cry. Don’t ask for help. They can handle this! …Can’t they?
They have to… they… they wanna go home!! They curl their knees to their chest and cry out, muffling it in their hands. They’re scared, and they miss it so bad that it makes them scream and kick and run away… they’re sorry! They’re so sorry for whatever they did wrong to be sent here! They won’t ever do it again, whatever it was, they swear from the bottom of their heart, and promise with every fiber of their being! They’ve learned their lesson now! They really have! So please stop punishing them! Please put them back! They plead to just go home… they beg! Whatever it takes, to bring them back to that dull stuffy office, really, they never minded it, even when it was hot and the air conditioner broke— they loved how small it was! They did! And they want their plain breads with jams so stuffed of their vitamins it tasted bitter, all to substitute everything they miss in their diet. They never minded how bland it all tasted after so long of eating the same exact thing for years, they enjoyed it! They really did! Please!!! They just want to go home now…
They swallow, it goes down dry, it scratches their throat. Whatever brought them here, just bring them back, won’t it? Please…?
They struggle around their own saliva uselessly, when they try to swallow it just sticks to the back of their throat like tar. She promised to be here, with them forever! Why isn’t she here? Why isn’t she here with them? They need her! They need… they need FORMAT! They need her please… please please please, take them back, they promise to be good, they can still be of use, they can still be a mindhacker! It’s all they know how to do, it’s all FORMAT wanted of them, so why is it being taken from them? Why were they sent here? Without the device, the targets, the flowers— without FORMAT! Why?! Without everything that makes them who they are, and proves their use, what’s left?? What is left of them? Who are they without it all? Why take them from their only purpose, their sole purpose, their reason for existence? Why let them be worthless? Why force them to be useless?
Why why why…??
…maybe…
Maybe they were unwanted.
Is that it? Is that why they were sent here?
Not out of punishment for something they did. Not because of some unexplainable cosmic power— or even by some mistake… but because they had already lost their use, and FORMAT found no need to keep them around much longer? Because no one wanted them, anymore?
Had they turned into something so wrong, they were cast away by the people they cared about?
Did they finally shift into that terrifying thing, so evil and vicious that they were banished away like some kind of folktale?
Did… did no one really want them anymore?
Does no one want them… even now?
It comes suddenly, the interruption, the one that cuts through their thoughts cleanly, silencing everything within seconds.
“Florecita!?” A voice, calling for someone, worry leaks into every their every syllable. “Flooorrrrrreecitaaaaaaa??” It tries again, getting closer, heavy steps shake the ground. It stops for a moment, too close, perfectly close, just around the corner. Close enough they didn’t even need to shout to be heard, as they mutter under their breath a concerned. “Where are they…?”
Doctor tries to quiet themself, to go unheard, unnoticed. They didn’t want to be found, they didn’t need the help, they could handle this by themself. But they couldn’t fight it, as they sniffle, wiping their face with their sleeve as quick as possible. But it’s too late to take it back, they already made the sound, this voice had already heard their pathetic little noise.
It’s movement is slow, steady, as a snout turns the corner, sniffing the air, twitching as it tried to locate the source. Then the eyes follow, yellow and bright, as it pulls itself forward, continuing to search, yet treating each step like they didn’t want to spook some skittish critter, gentle and hesitating. They flick their gaze to Doctor after giving the room a once over, their main eyes widening at the sight of what they find of them, hunched in the corner, sobbing and shivering like some weird wet dog.
Doctor could barely look back, wanted to hide even deeper, to cower away and pretend they never existed, as Partner acknowledged them when they never wanted to be. Such a large beast, now lowers their head as they attempt to approach, fins flattening to make themself look smaller, nonthreatening. They were not here to hurt Doctor, they know that, but they didn’t want Partner here for any reason, they didn’t need it. They were such a pathetic sight, Partner doesn’t need to see this.
“There you are.” They speak with a sigh, relived in some way but still holding a bit of tension as they approach, all their eyes flicking over their form. Doctor shrinks away from Partner, which makes them freeze in place. “We’ve…” they gargle, and lower themself even closer to the ground, trying to seem small and harmless, hoping it helped… it didn’t. “We’ve been looking for you everywhere, Florecita…”
That pet name, again. Florecita. It was for Doctor, they tend to forget that sometimes. Although Doctor understood most of the language they spoke, they tend to slip into another Doctor didn’t. And in return, their signs were unknown— some signs slipped through, close enough to their own sign language to interpret the basics, but mostly it just made them tilt their heads in confusion. Which… made it hard to share their name… their moniker, their title. They were not ‘Doctor’ to these people, because they couldn’t say they were. So, inevitably, the two came up with their own nicknames, separately. Using words Doctor didn’t know, and teasing the reasons behind sweet giggles. They didn’t ask, then again, even if they did, they doubt the question would be understood.
They could speak it, if they wanted, but they never did. It never felt right to try just yet.
They couldn’t… communicate, in the way they wanted. But, it didn’t stop them from trying.
They pull their hands out, just barely looking at Partner, and start to ask for FORMAT. Pinkie out, with their thumb and index, index tapped against their cheek, then pulled away closing their thumb and index following the motion. They repeat it, again, and again… and again, and again and again— FORMAT! They plead, getting more desperate as they keep going. Get FORMAT! Please please please! They need FORMAT! They need their FORMAT! Get her! Just!! Get FORMAT!
Partner just stares, watches the repeated signs, and as they get more desperate, the creature speaks up with a stutter.
“I—I’m sorry, I still can’t…” understand you, goes unspoken, but it’s clear as day.
They can’t. They couldn’t! Of course! They only the most basics— what made them think that this time they’d get it?? Doctor digs their fingers into their hair again, and chokes out a half-sob half-laugh, with no humour behind it, yanking the strands of their hair entangled with their digits. Their poor perfect hairdo now torn out of the hair tie, spilling out against the sides of their face, shooting off in crazy directions. Some strands, leave with their palms, plucked from their scalp, the pain burning but only for a second. Only for a second. They look to the ceiling and call for FORMAT, again and again despite the lack of flowing sensors that indicate her presence. Despite not being in the facility at all. Please! Please!
FORMAT! Please! I need you!
And when they don’t get a response, they pull at their hair again. They’ll be good, they’ll be—
“Don’t do that!” Partner jolts forward, reaching their massive claw out, and catching Doctor’s wrist in their grip. It caused Doctor to let out a strangled yelp and slam into the wall behind them, ripping their hand out their grasp and slapping it against their own chest in a desperate attempt to reclaim it. Partner can’t help but flinch away in return, and snap their hand away, their tentacles curl in on themselves, trying not to feel hurt at the reaction. Try not to be reminded of…
They shake their head, attempting to get rid of the feeling from clinging onto their skin, and look away, yet keep their blurry vision sticks to Doctor, the eyes on their neck stay focused on the body before them. “Don’t do— don’t… please, you’re hurting yourself…” they trace their main gaze across the floor, then fully turn their head behind themself. They are obviously not being taken too kindly right now, Doctor needed someone… less scary. Less beastly. Someone better fit for this role. “Our Pareja, they— they should be close by. I’ll go get them— okay? They can help better than I can… let me go get them just wait here.”
They turn to leave.
As if caught inside a BUG manifestation, Doctor felt everything inside them flash freeze and tighten around their throat. Goosebumps rake across their skin as it buzzes behind their eyes. They didn’t want to be found, yet now that they were, they didn’t want to be left all over again. They can’t… they cant handle this! They need help! They want them to stay! No. NO!
They lurch forward, practically throwing themself across the floor to clasp tight onto Partner’s side. Their hands latch onto whatever they land on first, grabbing onto one of Partner’s drooping petals, their other hand pinching onto some fat on their body. Their digits dig into the soft flesh, make indents in the skin. Doctor lets out a sharp cry, yet they don’t manage a single word, despite that, it’s clear what they demand.
Don’t go! Don’t leave me! Stay stay stay!
“Ah!” Despite being larger, stronger, and more monstrous… Partner is the one to flinch away this time. Yet they don’t break away from Doctor’s hold. “Why— you—??” They stammer, curling around to face the little hacker, as they sob into their side, holding onto their fin for dear life. “Florecita! It’s— it’s okay!” They hesitate to bring their claw up, last time they tried Doctor snapped away from them. They don’t know what to do, hovering right above Doctor’s back, ghosting against their overcoat. They can’t, they shouldn’t. They’re terrified of them! But if that was true why do they cling to them now? Why did they want them to stay?
“I—…”
They don’t know what to do.
How did Player do this?
“I’m here…” they murmur, trying to flick their back fin out of Doctor’s hand, it’s beginning to grow sore under their grip, but not enough to push any harder. “I’m here! I’m— I’m staying, see?” They close the gap, and set their claws against Doctor’s back, light as ever, not wanting to hurt them. Poor Doctor flinches at the touch again, but doesn’t move away. “Look! Look at me— Florecita look…”
They don’t look, they press their face deeper into Partner’s side, sobbing into them harder. Don’t leave, don’t leave, don’t leave. You promised not to leave me and yet you’re not here— please stay this time. Please stay. You promised… someone did at least. Please don’t leave, please stay with me. Please.
“I—!” They shake their head, head fins spreading out, “I…” what do they say? Oh stars, what do they do? Their tentacles curl away, and they slump over themself, just trying to figure it all out. They begin to slowly drag their digits down Doctor’s back in careful strokes, hoping it at least calms them down a little. “It’s okay… just…” are they making it worse? They don’t know, they wish they did. “J-just…” they can’t tell, they don’t know! Oh if only it was Player here instead of them, they’d fix this wouldn’t they? They’d know what to say! They’d have the answer that’d make it all better, some simple words that just makes Doctor feel so much nicer. They could be on Doctor’s level, hold their hands without crushing them and tell them it’s okay… some comforting words, some gentle touches. Small and safe.
Partner has none of that.
But maybe… maybe they could, try? What was it Player would do…take their hands? Partner hums, and delicately wedges a claw between Doctor’s hand and their fin, they don’t flinch away, in fact, they reciprocate, squeezing around Partner’s digit. Good! That’s good, they think, they hope. They do the same with their other hand, and clasp them both together between their massive claws, as careful as they can, minding not to crush them. They can see indents in their skin from where the hacker was gripping so hard, they don’t mind it, it’ll fade rather quickly, they simply flick their fin and let the buzz of tiny pains wash over them.
What’s next…? Soothing words, right? But what kind? And which ones? How would they find which ones were good and which ones would work? What would Player say? They don’t know!! They aren’t Player! And- and— just! Just start somewhere! They tell themself. So, they cleared their throat, it sounded like a gurgle, and they spoke.
“When I get in… a-a mood like this… or- at least similar to th… this…” they mutter, peering down at the shivering, sobbing Doctor, who won’t look up, who flinches away and yet stays right next to them. Who clings on tight, yet hides away. Ever conflicting, ever impossible to read, at least, for Partner to read. “I tend to… break stuff.” Somewhere, a wooden chair sits in pieces, and their bed frame snapped in half beneath them. There’s claw marks still gouged into the door and walls, having yet to be buffed out, to be fixed, a constant reminder to what they are. “Sometimes I don’t… mean to, it comes with m-my size… but sometimes, I do,” they clear their throat again, “mean to, I mean.”
Their sniveling quiets, ever so slightly. Partner closes what eyes they can, their vision in the ones that can’t, too blurry to make out a thing. And yet, they flick to Doctor— what they assume is Doctor, in the blurriness.
“It makes me feel, somewhat better… until I have to clean up the pieces…” they swallow their guilt, it tastes like spit. “And sometimes it scares me, that the next time I break something it won’t… it won’t just be an inanimate object.” These aren’t soothing words, they don’t know why they’re saying them. It was Doctor who was feeling bad, they should focus on that, not themself. They should say everything will be okay again! They should be patting their back and saying they’ll be here when they need to talk. They should be comforting them, not making it about themself…
“I’m scary, aren’t I?” They smile, just barely, then stops right after, opening their eyes. “Never mind… sorry, I didn’t mean to—”
Doctor is looking up at them. Their tears have slowed, their shaking has ceased. They sniffle, quietly, yet don’t look away. They meet Partner’s butterscotch eyes, well, the main ones at least, and they don’t show a hint of fear despite it all. In fact, they pull a hand out of Partner’s claws, to reach up at their face.
They move their head back, hesitant, fins flattening against their head. But Doctor persists, sitting up on their knees, reaching out further, higher, to press their gloved hand to Partner’s snout, the very tips of their digits gliding across their nose. Partner wants to pull away, having just spoken of breaking things, of being dangerous… but they can’t help it, they lean into Doctor’s palm, and let out a low coo.
At least we can be scary together. Is what Doctor signs, despite them not being able to understand it.
Doctor brings their other hand to Partner’s cheek, and pulls their head down, the one that’s the size of their torso, probably larger in all honesty, and holds it in an embrace, face pressed into the top of their snout, wiping their tears into dusky blue skin. Soft and warm, is what it felt like. Smooth skin beneath their cheek, real in a way they didn’t think they’d ever get again. Their tears make Partner feel slimy, more than they already are. Partner didn’t seem to mind it, they reciprocate it in fact, nuzzling Doctor with a trembling purr, pressing up into their face.
Doctor hums in response, as Partner wraps their claws around their side, and settles their head into their lap. Stay here, a silent plead from Doctor, as they squeeze ever tighter onto Partner. Stay with me. Want me, for a little bit, won’t you?
“I’m… glad you’re okay, Florecita… you had us worried, disappearing, you know.” Want me. Want me. Want me. “What?” Partner flicks their fins up, trying to catch onto Doctor’s signing, still to no avail in understanding. “I’m… I’m here!” They try, and Doctor holds them closer. “…I— I can keep talking, if you want…?”
They nod.
“Oh—! Okay! Yeah yeah I can… I can do that… ahem…”