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The door slams shut behind me. A panging headache eradicates any sense of joy from me. Slight groans escape me as I lumber to the living room. I look out the window. It was still somewhat bright out, compared to the blackout that I call my house. I collapse on the couch and pat it down like TSA for the remote. I had no motivation to do anything, not even turning on the lights. I switch on the TV, and its light blinds me. I can't even do one of the only things that brings me joy. I shouldn't watch anything. My hands cover my face.
“What are you doing, Andreas…?” I ask myself. What am I doing? Nothing is new in my life anymore. I wake up, shower, go to work, come back from work, eat, shower, go to bed, repeat. I’m like a robot, assigned to complete its tasks. Nothing else. Life used to be something. Now I’m debating whether it's worth it. I weakly get up and take some ibuprofen for the headache. I stare at the dining table. A single chair sits by it. Jennifer has custody over Junior due to the fact I can't even take care of myself. Just staring at the table makes me depressed. I examine the fridge and its contents. Only some moldy leftovers lie on one of the shelves. Even if I was a starving soldier in war and that was the only thing left to eat, I’d rather die.
“Guess I’m not eating today…” I scoffed as I slammed the door. The creak of the old stairs pain my ears as I ascend to the second floor.
— — — — —
I stare at myself in the mirror. I’ve lost an unhealthy amount of weight in the last couple of months… how am I still alive? I quickly glance at the scars on my arms and pretend they don't even exist. The room steams as I turn on the shower. The drizzling of hot water burns my skin. It hurts, but I love my showers scorching. The warmth brings me at ease. All I do is stand and let the drops of burning rain cover me. I do not move, I do not speak. It is only me and my horrendous, dreadful thoughts.
“IT’S YOUR FAULT, ANDREAS.” is the only thing my mind comes up with at the moment. It looms behind me, as if it were touchable. I unknowingly sunk to the floor of the tub, curled up, with my head in crossed arms.
Shaking.
Crying.
Like some helpless child. I am not a helpless child. Why am I crying like this? You're a grown man, Andreas. Snap out of it. My brain floods with memories and regret. Memories of him.
Thomas Xuan.
That man has made me feel things I’ve never felt in forever. Feelings of rage. Happiness. Sadness.
Love. Love for life. Love for myself. He kept me company when no one else would. He would always light up my room even if he annoyed me. I told him more things than my ex-wife. Hell, I even hung up more pictures with him than with her.
He was my love. My true love. And now I can't even tell him how I feel. Oh, my dear Thomas… I can never hear your sweet, tired voice anymore. I can never warm up your hands anymore. We can never embrace again. We can never speak again. Would he still be alive today if we never had that argument? Would he be alive if we went to that disco? We first met then...
Was his fate really sealed as soon as our eyes met? IS DEATH THE ONLY OUTCOME??? Tears rolled down my face. Stifled sobs come out of me. Yeah Andreas, keep crying like a baby. Like that would bring Thomas back. Like that would let you feel his touch again.
“I- I’m… It's m-my…” I choke out.
“I’M SORRY…” My vision is blurrier than ever. I hate this. I hate everything that happens to me. I HATE MYSELF. I step out of the shower and stare at the mirror once again. There's no shine in my eyes. Not anymore. I navigate through the labyrinth I call my home, vision still not clear, to my bedroom. I change into whatever clothes I have left and call them pajamas. I haven't done the laundry in god knows how long… I notice my camera on a shelf. It surprisingly has battery left, and it turns on. I shuffled through the pictures saved, until I came across a video. It was of me and Thomas. I decided to play it. I remember, I was holding the camera.
---
"...You called me JUST so you can get rid of this bug??" He chuckled. The camera pans to Thomas looking down at the floor.
"Shut up and kill it already!" I yelled, camera shaking. There was this huge bug in the corner of my living room. I personally cannot deal with bugs by myself...
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill it, Flames! I'll just pick him up and bring him outside." He explains, letting it crawl onto his hand.
"Are you some sort of bug whisperer?"
"Maybe," he jokingly smirked. The two of us burst into laughter.
"He's my son now! Would you like to hold him...?"
"THOMAS NO-" The video cuts off there.
—
My tears cover the screen in water.
“I guess I finally have to deal with the bugs by myself…” I chuckled to myself, before exploding into tears. It’s the only thing I can do at this point. I threw the camera onto the bed. I really, REALLY CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE. I’M TIRED OF IT. I’M TIRED OF THE VOICES IN MY HEAD TELLING ME THAT IT’S MY FAULT. I ALREADY KNOW IT IS…
Maybe.
Just maybe.
I can finally silence those voices.
I…I can finally be free…
I can be free from guilt.
I can embrace Thomas once more.
There's a knife in the kitchen.
As soon as I took the first step towards the kitchen, time completely slowed down. I heard rain patter down, growing stronger with each step. It's like it's telling me to stop. I can't. It's the only way of setting me at ease. The stairs are creakier now. Everything is warning me now, huh? My grip on the railing tightens as I head down. It's thundering now. I always loved it when it was thundering…storms help me fall asleep quicker. Before walking into the kitchen, I made a quick stop in my office room. Searching through the drawers of my desk, I find a pen and paper. I wrote down the following:
“I’m sorry to whoever is reading this right now. I know it's heartbreaking to see what you're seeing. I couldn't take it anymore. My guilt won. I caused something no human should ever do. Tell Junior I love him, and tell him about what happened to Thomas. He deserves to know. Thank you.”
Tears decorated the note like stars in the night sky. Slowly, I made my way to the kitchen. When I walked in, I grabbed the only magnet on the fridge and hung up the paper with it. Coincidentally, it was a picture magnet of me, along with Thomas, Zekery, and Jess. I’m gonna miss the two a lot. I studied the drawers and counters, looking for a knife. I began opening them desperately. In a matter of time, I found my sharpest knife. Sinking to the floor, I say one final prayer.”
“Dear God, please forgive me for what I’ve done. I never meant for any of this to happen, and I admit I caused all of it. Please let me and Thomas reunite. Please make sure Junior is happy and healthy. Please make sure Zekery and the others are well. Thank you. Amen.” I said. I brought the knife up to my neck. Well, this is it for me. May we meet again.
“An eye for an eye, Thomas.”