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He Xuan broke through the surface, his hair bleeding down his back and shoulders like a stream of ink from a clumsy scholar’s pot. The night air was stiff, made bitter by the winter. Though He Xuan’s breath didn’t mark the air, it was evident all the same. He was completely dry by the time he began walking towards the verge, the water immersing him, but unable to touch his frame.
The small beach was located a ways off from the Heavenly Capital - a grassy area that broke off into a sandy little cove, where rocks freckled the shallow edge of the water and people hardly lingered. It reminded He Xuan of his island, how the beach lead into a dark forest, where danger lurked behind every tree.
But that was back then, oh so many years behind him that he could hardly keep track of them. A Ghost King’s memory is eternal, his sense of time all but lost to it. He had wanted the memories of that day to bring him pleasure and ease the anger he had felt every day since Shi Wudu had taken everything from him, but no feeling like that every arrived.
He Xuan dove back under water, bubbles nonexistent. He was perhaps two and a half lí away from the shoreline, and in the darkness of the night, the illumination of the moon above guided him towards the littoral beginning.
There was always an instinct of failure, waste. He Xuan had waited hundreds of years to take his revenge upon the Shi family for Shi Wudu’s sins, and for what reason?
Selfish reasons; dishonorable reasons, he acknowledged. The laughter of a friend he could not lose. The heart of one he longed to possess.
These were the things that kept his parents’ spirits resentful - how his fiancee would have spat blood if she had ever known about, the sins his sister would berate him for. There was no excuse for any of it, none at all.
It all ate away at him.
It all destroyed him.
He kept coming back to what he knew, what he only knew.
He needed to do this in order to survive. In order to continue his existence.
He Xuan glided through the water fast, the angry waves having no impact on his speed. He had never been a great swimmer in life, but once he became a calamity, the prayers of his followers and those who feared him gave him the ability to drift through water, soft and weightless like a phantom. After a few moments, He Xuan reached his hand down to touch the bottom, his hand filling with clumps of earthy sand, fingernails darkening.
He walked up to the shore, his black robes drifting across the top of the water. His hair did not blow with the wind, instead remaining flat against his back. As he scanned the coast to find whom he had been waiting for, his eyes suddenly locked on a singular lump that was laid upon the sand.
The closer He Xuan came towards what looked to be a pile of blankets and bags, the more he was certain that Shi Qingxuan had not lied when he said he would be there no matter what, snow or rain. It made him sick to think of what he went through just to get here, but there was that well of satisfaction that built up whenever he thought about the fact that he did this all for him.
Even for the one who ruined his life.
As he approached the sleeping man’s body, He Xuan looked closer at the side of his face, his breath keeping the grains of sand away from his nostrils. Shi Qingxuan’s face was red from the cold, his cheeks blushing a frosty pink. His nose ran, mucous dripping down the top of his lip.
Thrown over Shi Qingxuan’s frail shoulders were two blankets, threadbare and dirtied, the edges of the fabric so frayed that it was pilling near where his feet should be. Shi Qingxuan had his legs pulled all the way up to his chest, infant and small.
He didn’t look much different from the last time that He Xuan saw him, but he could tell from the relaxation that sleep brought to the mortal man’s brow that he was stressed, thin and worn. Qingxuan’s fate had everything to do with his deteriorating physical state, for it was the same fate that He Xuan was left to live and die with.
Shi Qingxuan would, eventually, succumb to the fate’s natural course. The inevitability of it used to make He Xuan glow with pleasure, but now, all he could see was the destruction it wrought to someone he once cared about.
Someone who deserved it.
He Xuan sighed. Was there any such thing as deserving or not deserving anymore?
Suddenly, the sleeping pile of blankets stirred, Shi Qingxuan mindlessly pushed the covers further down from his face. He looked as peaceful as He Xuan remembered from every sleepover they ever had - encouraged by Shi Qingxuan as something that all “best friends” do.
Shi Qingxuan may have slept then, but He Xuan never did. He would only stay awake, wondering what the hell he was really doing. Playing house and nice with Shi Qingxuan wasn’t an exactly needed revenge strategy. Naturally, it lengthened the lifespan of the plan tenfold, delaying the inevitable by ensuring that it would hurt all the more when Qingxuan became privy to the truth.
A sickness built in the pit of his stomach where hunger usually remained, but He Xuan bent down to Shi Qingxuan’s level anyway.
Old ash and dirt covered his face, smudging his once pristine skin with impurities he would never have been caught dead allowing. His fall from grace certainly had an impact on his ability to find adequate places to bathe. A bathhouse would never allow someone as disheveled as him to even use its services, even if he did have the money to pay for it.
“He-xiong!” Shi Qingxuan cried out in excitement, shooting up to a crooked sitting position as fast as he could, his hair sprung in a million different directions. Perhaps he was also in need of a hairbrush.
He Xuan almost laughed, but he schooled his expression. Nothing could really change him, even something that could leave He Xuan desperate for a way out. Shi Qingxuan could make it through everything he had put him through, and still be happy to see him.
“You came!” Shi Qingxuan added happily. He spread out his bad leg across the sand, a mark in the sand illuminating its unnatural curve.
That was part of the problem, wasn’t it, that He Xuan decided to come at all. He could have lied to Shi Qingxuan, like he always had, but he felt compelled to tell the truth this time.
“Yes, I came.” He Xuan replied shortly, rising up to his full height before Shi Qingxuan could attempt to get closer to him. He looked over their location once again, waiting for His Highness Xie Lian or that god-awful Hua Cheng to be lurking behind a corner for Shi Qingxuan’s protection.
Hell, there was even a possibility that Qingxuan would switch his soul once more with Xie Lian, but he pushed that down. The thought was poisonous, lurking behind every word he uttered.
“It took me quite a while to get here,” Shi Qingxuan said absentmindedly, his hand coming up to flatten his hair down to his head, the wild reddish brown hair was littered with grays - something he had never even considered Qingxuan could ever have. Mortality had its full hold on him now, along with all of its malignancies.
He smiled weakly, “It was quite the walk, ha ha ha - I got sooooo tired on my way here, I took as many breaks as I could, but you know…You can only take so many and you’ll be late…” His laugh quickly died away, leaving an uncomfortable silence in its wake that made any idle chatter that Qingxuan produced much preferable to what its absence had left behind.
He Xuan turned away and headed back towards the shore, the water crawling up the small slope to meet his feet, frothy and cold like a bitter ale. He could hardly face him without wanting to eliminate every sorrow that plagued him.
Shi Qingxuan cleared his throat and began anew, “Why did you want to see me, He-xiong? After all this time-” he shook his head, staring down at the coarse sand that scratched his cold feet, “-I don’t know. I-“ he swallowed, “I never know anymore.”
He Xuan hardly knew either, but here he was regardless of the confusion that stirred each time he confronted Shi Qingxuan. “I wanted to see you,” he turned away, eyeing the mountains
“He-Xiong, you know I can forgive the whole world for what has happened to me,” Qingxuan began, small and laughing, as if this was such a simple thing.
Of course Shi Qingxuan would forgive everyone for everything. It was in his nature - an indelible part of his whole being. Perhaps the terrible fate that he had been dealt could not rot away that portion of his true self.
“But you won’t forgive me for not knowing my brother’s misdeeds.” Shi Qingxuan added in a quiet voice, his eyes looking down at the water that flushed between his cold feet, the foam surprisingly warm for this frigid weather. Whether it was a small concession from He Xuan, he could not say.
“I don’t blame you for that,” Shi Qingxuan said suddenly, his face flashing up to meet He Xuan’s, tears streaming down his face, his voice a croak. “I could never blame you for that. Your entire family is gone because of my ignorance,” he opened his hand as if he was depositing sand to the wind, the weak one that can hardly grasp anything anymore.
“You think your words can change anything at this point?” He Xuan gritted out, his sharp teeth primed for ripping out the throats of ghouls now were gnashing in anger. “You know why I am here.” His entire reason for coming here could not be thwarted, even with Shi Qingxuan’s fragile emotions getting stirred.
He wasn’t going to be leaving without Shi Qingxuan’s hand, whether the strong or weak one, in his own.
With Qingxuan by his side.
Shi Qingxuan sniffled and rubbed his nose with the edge of his wrist. He hardly moved his eyes from their place on the ground.
“Well…” Shi Qingxuan started, his voice still shivery with nervousness. He traced his hair behind his ear, the wind blowing it behind his slim shoulders. His robes flapped against his frame, the thin fabric clung to his legs in a way that showed off their emaciated form.
He looked up then, a smile on his face that didn’t quite meet his eyes - false in a way makeup was, an attempt to be acceptable when one believed their true form was not. It clenched He Xuan’s heart just a bit, enough for him to feel himself swallow back a hard lump.
“I have never hated you, even if you’ve hated me,” he admitted, old tears falling down his cheeks from where they had been suspended. He reached out both of his hands, his left one opening slowly like a flower towards He Xuan.
“If you will take me regardless,” Shi Qingxuan’s smile softened into something that He Xuan couldn’t describe. There was yearning and sadness hidden in that expression, blistery at the edges.
He straightened his palms as much as he could, as if to guide He Xuan to the shore, as opposed to leading Shi Qingxuan where it was so cold he could hardly stand it. “Then I accept with my whole heart.”
The sweetness, the gentleness of his words almost made He Xuan believe that Shi Qingxuan thought this was a question, and not a command.
Shi Qingxuan, a former god, had always known the reality of ghosts: how they needed to be tethered to something substantial in order to feed their existence in the absence of a corporeal form. For He Xuan, it had been his revenge. With that hunger having been satiated after he killed Shi Wudu, he found himself craving something softer, something precious, something as ephemeral as life itself.
It went against everything he had ever sworn to his family that he would be: a filial son, a protective brother, a loyal husband. The fact that he wanted this at all brought him a loathing from deep within himself, a guilt that plagued him every morning and night when he prayed to his family’s souls.
He Xuan stepped closer, his robes streaming across the surface water around him. There were audible ripples in the water, clear like a bell breaking through the noontime sleepiness. He ignored Shi Qingxuan’s outstretched hands and reached forward with his own.
It was disgusting, it was beautiful - He Xuan nearly shook with the anger and the overwhelm he felt at seeing someone he loved so much have
“You would be my bride?” He Xuan questioned, he cupped Qingxuan’s mud streaked face with a clawed hand, pale white burned black at the ends. There was no fear in Shi Qingxuan’s green eyes, only a sickeningly sweet yearning that made He Xuan’s blood boil. “Do you know what that role entails?”
Eternal companionship. Soul tethering, a bond that cannot be broken even by the gods. This would be the only way to ensure that Shi Qingxuan wouldn’t die a horrible mortal’s death. The only way he could keep the last precious thing in the world to him safe from harm.
“I do,” he replied, his thin hand wrapping around He Xuan’s wrist, rubbing the svelte skin with his thumb. He turned away to the ground, avoiding He Xuan’s gaze, “We weren’t meant to live alone. If I can be by your side until you want to get rid of me-“
“There will be no dissolution,” He Xuan replied quickly, almost too fast to be viewed as anything other than desperation. That tone made Shi Qingxuan look up, his eyes shiny with old tears.
“But-“
“Such vows are permanent. Do you really wish to be shackled to me for eternity?” Surely Shi Qingxuan was only bluffing, telling lies to push his demise further and further away. There was no way that he believed he was going towards a wedding and not an early grave.
There was hardly any warning before Shi Qingxuan limped forward enough to envelope He Xuan into his embrace, spindly arms wrapping around He Xuan’s own starved frame.
In his mind’s eye, he could imagine how they looked to others. Two emaciated men embracing, their ashen skin and feverish eyes the result of what had transpired between them.
The deaths, the destruction, the betrayal - the pulsing rage behind every shadow of memory. Shi Qingxuan could forgive everything, but He Xuan couldn’t forget, and in that there was hardly any recourse for the mortal man to attempt.
Why should He Xuan even attempt to hold on to this relationship, in the fractured state that it was? Why was he even doing this anymore, when Qingxuan was already a wretch in the eyes of the world?
Why did he want him in this way, where they could never be separated from each other ever again?
“He-xiong, if all I can give you in the end is myself,” Shi Qingxuan started, his warm breath startled He Xuan as the cool air sliced through any semblance of heat that radiated from him. He peeled back from their embrace and gave He Xuan a smile that he had only seen before everything that had happened to them, “then I’ll give myself to you wholeheartedly.”