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Ezra didn’t sign up for this. Being a Jedi wasn’t supposed to be this… hard? Dangerous? He had known before he joined up with the Ghost crew that it would be both of those things.
But there was something deeper, something that he had expected. Safety, if not physical then at least emotional safety. Kanan, Hera- all of them were like his family now.
And that realization- once he came to terms with it- was comforting, it gave him a warm feeling deep inside. Like somehow, despite all the times the galaxy spat in his face it had finally shown him a bit of mercy.
But that day- Empire Day- when he and Kanan had led the Imperial forces away from the Ghost and Tseebo. Everything had gone according to plan, until it didn’t. The Inquisitor had gotten the upper hand somehow, and Ezra had to protect Kanan.
The whole floating rocks thing, and the big creature, he had done that. It was still a little hazy, all he could really remember was how angry he was at that moment.
Something had been born inside him then. A darkness, a chill that seemed to perch on his shoulder waiting for any hint of frustration from him. The rage was there, for now it slept but at the smallest inconvenience it could emerge.
Sleep seemed impossible, every time he closed his eyes he could see what was going to happen if he stayed here, if he couldn’t control himself. The dreams haunted his every moment.
Even now as he tried to listen to Kanan giving a lecture on managing emotions and how it is essential for a Jedi, his mind replayed every time he had dreamt of some dark version of himself attacking Kanan, dueling to the death and shooting a blaster bolt through his master’s chest.
His stomach churned at the wave of unwanted thoughts. Kanan paused his explanation to look at him critically.
“Ezra?”
“What?” Ezra shot back, with more heat than necessary.
“Are you sleeping alright?” Kanan looked genuinely concerned.
And somehow that just made Ezra more annoyed, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
The man clipped his lightsaber to his belt and took a few steps closer. Ezra immediately stood from the rock he had been sitting on and stepped away a little.
He couldn’t stand anyone getting close to him. That stinging darkness he had felt for the first few hours after the incident had faded, but he could still feel the ghost of it on his skin, a lingering cold feeling that made him involuntarily shiver.
Kanan noticed. Of course he did. The man noticed everything- or at least everything Ezra did wrong.
“Are you coming down with something?”
Ezra felt the irritation clawing at him. Like something was fighting for control, and he couldn’t help but let it take the wheel.
“I said I’m fine.” He snapped, turning away to face the fields of Lothal.
“Ezra-”
A hand rested on his shoulder but he yanked out of the grip, the proximity was too much, he hadn’t let anyone get too close to him since the incident, it always reminded him too much of the darkness slithering across his skin as he subconsciously drew on what Kanan told him was the dark side.
The touch was too close, too familiar. He had opened himself up to the force that day, but the darkside had made him rethink his choices. Did he really want to be so open and honest?
What if someone hurt him?
What if he hurt himself?
It all was so confusing. It filled him with defensive anger.
He didn’t think, he simply acted. Whirling around, he shoved Kanan back a few steps.
“Leave me alone!” He found himself snapping.
He didn’t even stop to see Kanan’s reaction, he turned and ran as fast as he could. The tall grass tried to trip him up, and a few stray loth cats dashed away, hissing as he disturbed their slumber, but he ignored it all.
The anger he had felt towards Kanan faded as he sprinted. It had never been valid in the first place. He had no reason to be angry with his master- or any of the specters.
They were his family, and he had hurt them over and over this past week, all because he couldn’t control this simmering temper. The horrible knot of emotions in his throat.
Maybe they’d be better off without him. Kanan certainly would be, the last thing the Jedi needed was a student that jumped to the dark side every chance he got.
The thoughts spurred him onward, giving him more stamina than he normally had, but he still found himself slowing down way too soon. A stitch burned in his side as his legs started to fumble, slowing with every step, until his foot got caught on a loose stone and his body fell forward.
His knees hit the dirt and his hands flew up to stop himself from face planting. For a long moment he simply stayed still, chest heaving as he struggled to regain his breath.
Slowly, he found himself sitting back and crossing his legs, resigned to just stay put and sit on the ground. The sun was going down, but not fast enough to be a concern.
Tilting his head back, he looked up at the sky. There was no reason for him to move, he could stay right here until the end of time. That way he wouldn’t hurt Kanan anymore, or the rest of the crew.
He could feel the anger deep inside him, it didn’t make any sense, he had no reason to be angry. No one here was deserving of his rage. The Inquisitor was, but the Imperial scum wasn’t here- thank the force.
Ezra let out a shaky sigh and closed his eyes. For a moment he considered trying to meditate like Kanan had shown him, but the darkness that he had locked up deep inside seemed to be waiting for him.
He could feel it there, and he knew that if he wasn’t careful it would break free. And that was something he couldn't let happen. He couldn’t let Kanan down like that.
He didn't want to hurt the family he had somehow found his way into.
But the dark side was waiting, eager to devour him. And he wasn’t sure how long he could keep it at bay. The force was still and quiet around him, leaving him alone.
In some ways he hoped that Kanan would come after him, but he really didn’t want that. He didn’t want anyone to come for him.
No one had before.
If someone did now then he wouldn’t know what to do.
Maybe he was always meant to be alone. Maybe that was his destiny.