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He pulled back his arm again and again, each time his fist collided with the rodian boy he had knocked to the ground. Bruises were quickly forming both on the boy’s face and on Ezra’s knuckles.
But he didn’t stop, because his opponent had both hands wrapped around his throat, cutting off his air supply. With every punch he could feel the grip loosening, and he could tell that soon the other boy would be defeated.
Shouts filled his ears, but he couldn’t register what was being said, even the heavy footsteps running up to them didn’t catch his attention. The hands around his neck were going limp, only a few more punches and he’d win.
“Ezra!” The owner of the voice grabbed the back of his orange jumpsuit and with a sharp tug pulled him off the rodian.
The other boy sat up looking dazed, but there was a good amount of fear on his face. Ezra saw it, a sign of a weakness, a sign that he had nearly won. Furiously he tried to pull away from his captor, but whoever it was lifted him clear off the ground and gave him a shake.
“Snap out of it kid!”
Finally he recognized the voice as Zeb, the lasat sounded angry. But Ezra was angry too, and right now he only had one thing on his mind: survival.
And that dictated that he had to eliminate the threat. The boy in question was scrambling to his feet and high tailing it out of the alleyway.
Ezra had won- against the rodian at least. His fight or flight instincts were still going full force, his mind buzzing with the adrenaline that spurred him on. Kicking his feet, he tried to break free of the grasp.
When Zeb didn’t let him go he swung a fist.
“Karabast!” The lasat cursed, dropping him like a wet rag.
“Zeb!” He snapped, “Why’d you do that?”
Zeb glared at him, “You were beating the kid to death! What was I supposed to do?”
“I was defending myself!” Ezra shot back without thinking.
“You were out of control.”
He fell silent at that, not sure how to argue that point when just a moment ago he was unresponsive in his raging state.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ezra muttered, the buzz in his veins was dying down, leaving his body feeling tired and shaky.
“If you can’t control yourself kid then maybe you shouldn’t come on ops anymore.”
Ezra felt his fists clench, he was in no mood to deal with Zeb.
“Whatever,” He spat, “Let’s just get this over with.”
He marched off down the alley, not bothering to look back to see if Zeb was following.
___•___
The moment they got back to the Ghost the others practically swarmed them. Sabine demanded to know if her explosives went off perfectly- which they had of course. Ezra kept his head down, but the moment Kanan called attention to his blackening eye he knew it was hopeless.
“Ezra?” Hera asked, more concern in her voice than she had a right to. “What happened?”
Scuffing his boot on the floor he looked down, “Nothing.” He said sullenly.
Zeb scoffed loudly, folding his bulky arms, “I’ll tell you what happened.” He said, “I finished placing the explosives and came back to find the kid beating on some rodian boy.”
Silence fell over the ship, Ezra dared to glance up at Hera and Kanan before dropping his eyes again. He felt an odd sense of shame that only came from seeing his parents disappointed in him.
He hadn’t felt that since…
“Ezra?” Kanan asked, voice quiet but stern.
“That’s not what happened.” Ezra responded after a minute.
The anger was threatening to return. Because they were making a big deal out of nothing, because he wasn’t sure if he could face their disapproval… because they had no right to remind him so much of his parents.
“Then what did happen?” Hera’s voice was firm but not accusing.
Ezra looked at her, and in that moment he could’ve sworn he saw his mother standing there. Looking away abruptly, he shook his head.
“Nothing.”
No one said anything for a long minute and Ezra hoped that it would pass and be forgotten. But when he dared to look up again he could see on their faces that this was only the beginning.
“Sabine, Zeb, can you give us a minute?” Hera asked calmly.
The two of them quickly cleared off, probably not interested in watching the drama that was undoubtedly about to unfold. Even Chopper made himself scarce.
“I didn’t do anything wrong.” Ezra said sullenly.
“You got into a fight.” Kanan deadpanned. “You could’ve exposed the operation, or you could’ve seriously hurt the boy.”
Ezra huffed.
“You don’t think that was wrong?” Hera questioned, folding her arms.
“It’s not like I attacked him,” Ezra defended himself, “He started it.”
“Okay, Ezra?” Hera’s tone was suddenly all business, “I need you to explain what happened… now.”
There wasn’t much choice now, unless he wanted to be cleaning carbon scoring off the hull of the ship for the next month- or worse: get kicked out.
Drawing in a deep breath, he turned to face them, but rather than looking at them directly his eyes fell on the wall behind them.
“I set my share of the explosives,” He started slowly, “And on the way back to the checkpoint he bumped into me, I tried to keep going but he wouldn’t let it go…”
He noticed when Kanan and Hera shared a glance.
“I didn’t start it, I swear!” He blurted, “He was looking for a fight, I only defended myself! It’s not my fault I was winning!”
Kanan let out a weary sigh and Hera shook her head.
“Ezra, a Jedi must control their emotions, not let their emotions control them.” Kanan lectured.
“Yeah well maybe I’m not meant to be a Jedi.”
He regretted the words before he even finished talking. But it was too late, he wasn’t perfectly attuned to the force but he could feel the faint hurt coming from Kanan.
“I didn’t mean that.” He admitted, looking down at the floor, “I just… I don’t know what to do.”
Hera stepped closer to him, laying a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, “It’s okay, but we need to be careful. The Empire has been catching onto us, we can’t be drawing more attention to ourselves.”
Ezra nodded in understanding but he didn’t look up. “I didn’t mean to endanger the mission.” He confessed, “It was just… instinct. I…”
“I understand.” Hera said, voice gentle, “But you need to learn to control it if you want to keep working with us. Can you do that?”
He thought for a long moment, but he couldn’t draw any conclusions, “I… I don’t know.”
A few minutes of silence passed and Ezra felt tension building within him, warily his eyes darted between the two of them.
“Do you… want me to leave?” He asked finally, “I understand if you do…”
“What?” Hera demanded, sounding almost offended, “Of course not Ezra. You're a part of our team…” She paused and glanced at Kanan, “Our… family. We’d never abandon you.”
Ezra wasn’t sure why he felt so stunned by that. But he could feel a tear pricking at his eye, Hera smiled softly and her hand drifted up to brush it away. And for a second he didn’t mind how much he was reminded of his mother.
And for that second he allowed himself to believe that maybe he was really home.
But then it passed.
Kanan shifted and Ezra’s eyes darted to the man. Cautiously gauging what his master was thinking.
“I can teach you some techniques,” The Jedi said after a minute, “To manage your anger.”
Ezra nodded shortly. He knew Kanan didn’t think of himself as a good teacher. And he couldn’t forget how the man had tried to find a different master for him. That had hurt.
“Hey,” Kanan said, voice firm but more gentle than Ezra had ever heard it, “I’m not giving up on you kid.”
A warmth swelled in Ezra’s chest, and with it came a burning in his eyes. If he wasn’t careful he might end up crying. And that would be embarrassing.
“Yeah,” He replied, his voice a little rough, “Thanks. I think I’ll go… to bed now.”
They watched him slip by without stopping him, thankfully they didn’t notice the sheen in his eyes- or if they did they didn’t say anything.
He kind of thought it might be the latter.