Chapter Text
“Andrew, please. Just come with us. We need you.”
“Baby, you know there’s no turning back. Once you’re out, you’re out.”
Terror bubbled inside of him, but his face remained painfully plain. He felt pinned to the seat by Smurf’s gaze and carefully crafted words. His throat felt constricted, lips pinched together. Was he still breathing?
When Smurf threw Julia out months beforehand Andrew hated it. He just…he couldn’t tell Smurf that. Just like always, he felt that crave for her embrace. For her to whisper that he did good, for her to brush her hands through his hair and press a kiss to his forehead. For her to want him. But Julia was begging him. She missed him. And no matter how much he didn’t show it, he felt emptier without her. Even if Smurf seemed lighter; a weight lifted from her shoulders.
He felt like he was going to be sick.
Why did it feel like he was being ripped down the middle? Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t he move from this goddamn seat? He’d slid ever so closer to the door that Julia was clinging to, still pleading with him, but for some reason he couldn’t make himself step out that car door.
“Come on, Baby. Come sit up front with me.”
That. That clear direction was something he could cling to. And yet, all it did was leave a sour taste in his mouth.
His jaw clenched tight, aching pressure keeping him in the moment.
He couldn’t do this.
But maybe he could for Julia.
With a shaky breath, he found himself finally moving. His feet hitting the ground and the backseat door being shut.
He couldn’t move forward anymore.
Julia stopped pleading, just whispered his name one final time. Trying to get him to understand, to not go back to Smurf. She’d always talked about how bad she was for him. How she’s only going to make him worse. How could she make him worse if neither of them were normal? Julia was the only normal one. She could make it without Smurf, but Pope? Pope didn’t stand a chance.
“Oh? Not coming anymore, baby?”
It didn’t click to him how long he’d stood there.
With one steadying breath, Andrew spoke.
“No.”
He owed it to Julia. He just couldn’t explain why his stomach was twisting itself into unending knots.
“Suit yourself." There was a pause. Smurf was certainly making a face, but Andrew couldn't bring himself to look at her— blurry form shifting in his peripherals. "Just know I’m not taking you back when you can’t handle it, Andrew.” She said with an air of dismissiveness.
Like nothing, Julia and Andrew were left standing beneath that bridge.
When he couldn’t see the car anymore, Andrew couldn’t stop himself from vomiting near the spot where he felt cemented to the ground. Julia rubbed a hand over his shoulder as he remained crouched, as if he was relearning how to breathe. If Julia was speaking, he couldn’t hear it over the cloudy ringing in his ears.
Is this how Julia felt the first time?
She’d hated the violence and the stealing ever since he could remember. She’d never wanted to be a part of what Smurf was building—had built. Andrew just didn’t know anything else outside of it.
Standing here, beneath the bridge, he could hear the soft sounds of waves crashing against the shore. What was he going to do? Were the two of them so undesirable that Smurf could just leave them there without a second thought?
He chose to push that thought away, finally taking a deep breath and standing up. When he could finally bear it, he angled his head ever so slightly to see that Julia was looking at him with such deep concern. A sadness he couldn’t place was etched across her features, but her eyes were gentle and bright.
“Wh-...What are we going to do?” He couldn’t tell what expression his face was making, but Julia’s eyes softened.
“We’ll figure it out.” She pulled him into a side hug, her left hand holding her stomach.
Julia and Andrew stayed in that spot under the bridge for nearly thirty minutes. Andrew hopelessly trying to get his bearings, Julia just a quiet presence. Her posture drenched with resigned acceptance.
"She's really not coming back." He almost whispered. As if there was truly a sliver of hope that she would've turned her car back around, that she was just playing with them. He should’ve known better than to have such a stupid thought. Smurf was never one for games.
Julia didn't offer anything. No platitudes, no reassurances—She'd already dealt with this once. There was nothing in Smurf's heart that could've made her love Julia again. Julia wasn't even certain Smurf ever loved her at all. Smurf had always held her a little further from her chest, kicking her out of the nest like she liked to watch her fall.
"What about Baz?" Andrew said suddenly.
Sure, Smurf won't take them back. She never wanted to take Julia back, but maybe Baz would be able to help. Baz was always nice to the both of them, in his own way. He tried to stop his mind from going into just how differently Baz behaved towards each of them, fearing he'd end up making himself sick again. He could already feel small knots in his stomach. He should've gotten over this a while ago.
"What about him?" Julia questioned, looking at Andrew with her lips pressed thin.
"He has that house on the Strand. We could ask him to stay there, if he could help us out."
"He's not going to." She huffed, speaking with a finality that he didn't expect.
He looked down at the ground, opening his mouth to say something, but ended up closing it again when no words surfaced.
After a second, Julia added, "Because of Smurf." She had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. "She told him not to help me when she kicked me out, so, she probably already told him not to help you."
Andrew didn't ask why. Smurf didn't love them anymore— no matter how much that thought sharpens the ache deep in his heart.
If Baz won't help them, who will? Andrew didn't have anyone. Nobody but Julia.
"Where will we go?" His tone dripped with a sadness that he couldn't control even if he tried. His whole world feels like it's tilted on it's axis, irreparably changed, damaged.
"I can ask some friends," Julia offered.
And that was that.
By the time night rolled around, Julia hadn't found anyone who could share their couch. And no matter how much Julia tried to reassure him that it was just a matter of space and resources, he knows that her friends don't want her weird brother to join them. It was a different matter when it was just Julia, but it seems like her life just gets harder when he's around.
The two of them end up right back in that same spot where Smurf left them.
Underneath the bridge looked different with a couple people huddling together and some spread in their own little areas. Each of them set up for the night, whether it be with a tent, a sleeping bag, or just a measly blanket with a backpack as a pillow.
Andrew's skin crawled at the thought of sleeping on the ground. Each spec of dirt and sand digging into his skin, clinging to his clothes. It didn't help that all his senses were ringing on high alert surrounded by people he'd never seen before. People were capable of anything and it made his jaw clench as he kept surveying the area.
Julia gently let go of Andrews hand, snapping him back into the moment like a rubber band let loose.Part of him thought that he would much rather be back at home in his bed. But it didn't help to soothe him as much as he thought it would. All that came to mind was how empty the house felt—he felt— without Julia.
She's settling down on the ground, just as easily as everyone else down here. As if she belongs here. It left a bitter taste in his mouth. Neither of them belong here, low as dirt, and especially not Julia. He jaw clenched as he settled down beside her, attempting to ignore the dirt sinking into his clothes, fearing that it would sink into his skin too. The dirtiness working to infect his blood. He shivered at the thought, sitting against the wall with his knees pulled up to his chest.
Long after Julia had closed her eyes to get as good a rest as was feasible from the cold hard dirt, Andrew's remained open.
Beneath the bridge wasn't quiet. Far from it with the crackling of the fire he can see in the corner of his eye and overlapping voices of those surrounding it. He doesn't think anything could be quite as quiet as nighttime in Smurf's house. People are passing by, conversations happening beneath the moonlight, countless people are either drunk or high. He's just glad Julia is asleep and can't be tempted by any substances people are passing around and partaking in.
Andrew stayed vigil throughout the night as people scuttled about like rats. His eyes snapping up in a dark glare whenever one of them got too close. It made him feel wild, like a dog backed into a corner snarling at anything that came by, but if his sister needed a guard dog, he'd be it.
Regardless of how many looks he gave through the night, nothing happened.
When Julia blinked herself awake, Andrew could only shrug when she asked how he slept. And with the way she stared into his eyes, it made him think she already knew. She always seemed to be able to read him in ways he couldn’t read himself.
Each day after Smurf had left them was just as uneventful as the last. And Andrew's hands were starting to itch, his mind wandering more and more.
Without anything for him to focus on, no bullets that needed filling, no stakeouts, no errands for Smurf, he felt restless. A ball of energy and intent with nothing for it to go into. Nothing to center himself on but the overwhelming feeling of unease and emptiness that seemed to be taking up more and more space in his body as the days passed.
Most of their days were spent wandering up and down the coast, seeking out Julia's friends or someone trustworthy.
Frankly, Andrew didn't think they should accept any help from these people. The two of them were smart, Smurf always said so. The air around each of her friends only served to prove him right. They all felt slimy and saccharine and even though Andrew never said any of that aloud, his emotions were easily visible in his posture.
They had been traveling along the beach together, bracelets brushing up against each other as they walked. Talking about nothing as Julia tried to ignore the call of the various substances people were doing along the beach. Sometimes she missed the high like it was painful.
Julia had bumped into one of her friends having a hangout on the shore, basking in the harsh sunlight, short shorts layered on top of her bathing suit. Just like the past few times, Andrew took that as his cue to hang back.
It was hard for him to discern whether watching from afar or standing beside Julia fared them better. The first few times, the girls awkwardly laughed and tried to ignore him entirely. Their laughs sunk like daggers into his skin and it made him feel like he was back in school again. Like something about his existence deemed him the brunt of the joke by default.
At least from this distance, he couldn't hear any part of the exchange and could keep watch.
Faintly in his ear, Andrew could hear Smurf's voice whispering, "You can't trust anyone but your family, baby." His eyes widened by a fraction, holding his breath as he glanced out the corners of his eyes. Her voice sounded so close, but all he saw were various people passing on the beach and sidewalk, and Julia laughing with the girl. No hint of Smurf anywhere, but his jaw still clenched as if she was here.
Truthfully, Andrew wanted to live like Julia said— no stealing, no Cody jobs— but he didn't know how long they were going to last if they didn't. Especially if diners and gas stations keep turning them away.
It was never this hard for Smurf to find jobs for them.
He felt Julia rest her hand on his shoulder, thrumming with glee. More and more often he feels himself retreating into his head, no longer processing information around him. He didn't even think to frown when he saw Julia's face.
She grinned at him, all teeth and full of pride. "C'mon, I found us somewhere to sleep tonight! Plus, she's letting us use her shower."
And for a split second it felt like how things were years ago, simple and easy. He could remember how Julia beamed at him when they'd made their matching blue braided bracelets. The careful thought put the colors and design, how they had to help the other tie their bracelet because they couldn't hold it still. The first time they held their wrists side by side, the matching blue uniting them on the outside. The image crumbled from his eyes when Julia speaks again.
"Speaking of, we really have to find some more clothes," Her lips twisted down as she pinched at her shirt. "It's getting kinda gross."
"Wish I could've packed a bag, would've made it a little easier." His tone borders on his usual hint of humor, which to anyone else, would have sounded just as blank as his other words.
Julia lightly huffed, "You and me both."
"I'll find us something though."
"I know you will."
Julia smiles, taking Andrews hand in her own and leading him along the beach. Their worn sneakers digging into the sand, leaving pits as they walk together. He never really puts up a fight when Julia drags him along these days. Feeling her hand in his, knowing she's here, alive and breathing, was much better than any night spent without her.
It was harder to keep track of the days when your world was suddenly tilted on it's axis. Slowly but surely though, it felt like they were gaining their footing.
They'd passed through several friends houses—people who graciously let them sleep on their couches for no more than two nights in a row— and spent many a night on the hard ground in homeless encampments. But maybe eight nights ago at that point, Julia had finally landed a job. It was at some shitty diner not too far away. A little worn around the edges, half-decent food, and less than decent pay, but Julia was happy.
With Julia hard at work, Andrews days were spent wandering alone. It made him feel like Smurf on the worst of days; just lying back and watching while someone else put in all the effort to keep them afloat.
He blinked away the thought, centering himself on the fact that he has put in the effort. He's visited handfuls of places—diners, gas stations, car washes— any place advertising hiring. He's been willing to put in the work, but that hadn't been enough.
It wasn't his fault that each place turned him away.
Andrew followed the same path back down to the beach, just as he always did. He couldn't understand why nobody would hire him, especially with how often those places were "so short staffed". He knew most of it had to do with how his blank face and his often monotone voice made people uncomfortable. It wasn't a feeling he hadn't gotten used to, he could see it in Smurf and Baz too, how they would still at his presence trying to soothe a pain that didn't exist.
He came upon a bench with a nice view of the coast, one of his favorite spots. There were people passing all around, whether on foot or on a bike, the coast seemed to never die. Andrew sat down, his back straight as an arrow, and placed a backpack beside him.
He'd made good on his promise to find some clothes for them—really, it was the two of them who'd pulled it off.
Narrowing down their choices was easier when Julia knew some of the stores that had adopted the ink tags, and eventually they ended up at a worn thrift store a little far out. He'd been surprised when Julia was on board with the idea and joined in on the planning as they cased the place, perusing through the store in search of the clothes they wanted. She made a great distraction while he'd stuffed as many clothes as he could fit in the backpack before making his way out of the back of the store. It was such an elementary stint that it made him feel like a kid again working with Julia in tandem.
A wave crashes against the shore and he blinks.
Right. He's on the beach, waiting for Julia.
He could barely remember the last time he'd been to the beach—really been, not just within earshot of the comforting sounds. Smurf hardly ever took them, especially after she had Craig and Deran to look after too. She never enjoyed it; 'a waste of time'. It was fine, Andrew liked being able to come here alone. He could close his eyes and let the sounds wash away some of the feelings that dug their nails into his skin.
Part of it made him miss their old trailer that overlooked the sea.
There were countless times where Julia and Smurf found him sitting near the edge, as still as a statue, letting the calm of the beach wash over him like waves.
Once Julia had found him sitting with his legs hanging off the edge, staring out into the drop. It had freaked her out so bad she'd dragged him back and squeezed the air out of him until he promised to never scare her like that again. He'd ended up with scratches on his legs from where the jagged edge of the cliff had clipped him, but he was too busy squeezing Julia to feel the sting.
The face Julia had made at him then blurred with how she looks at him sometimes then. Since they'd left Smurfs hold those several weeks ago, Julia had been lighter— almost happier. And that… he couldn't quite comprehend.
Julia seems fine—better even, without Smurf. Andrew though, with this deep ache in his chest, can't help but miss her. He missed how she would hold him close, kiss him, care for him. He didn't think he would feel the loss as strongly as he did, like someone carved out a piece of his chest and left him feeling hollow.
It made him wonder how Smurf was doing with the loss of two kids instead of one. Did she miss him as badly as he did her?
Footsteps come up behind him, the even tapping of sneakers against concrete has him reorientating himself into the moment. He'd recognized who it was by the sigh she let out as she melted into the bench. Knew it was Julia long before he'd opened his eyes.
The two of them just sat in quiet for a moment. Julia letting the silence and soft waves wash the tension off of her, Andrew breathing in Julia's company. It would only be a couple more hours until cops started policing the benches.
It wasn't fair. No part of this whole situation was. His only solace was that he at least had a little guidance through it all. Even if he could tell that Julia was trying to do things differently this time around.
"Doesn't it suck to work while you're pregnant?" Andrew glanced at her before fixing his gaze on the sand.
Julia hummed. "It's money that'll help us. Our money."
Andrew didn't say what he wanted to.
He wanted to remind her that they can do jobs on their own, without Smurf. That they can earn money an easier way— one that doesn't involve Julia standing on her feet for several hours— but he kept his mouth shut. Julia enjoyed working—or rather, the idea of working. He could still see the look on her face, beaming with pride, when she'd gotten that job at the mall two years ago. She'd made the same face when she'd landed the job at the diner, and yet, to Andrew, it just felt like a waste of her potential.
"Have you found us some place for us to crash tonight?" Julia asked, thumbs rubbing soothing circles into her stomach.
Andrew nodded. "It's a bit of a walk away but it's quiet. Out of the way." His gaze was locked on the pattern of the waves.
His failed attempts at getting a job aside, part of his days were spent searching for places for them to sleep. He hadn't wanted to stay underneath that bridge any longer than they had to, just the sight of it flooded his body with cold dread. Anyhow, the searching gave him something to do. He'd always been great at casing places, figuring out the best entrance and exit points, making notes of anything that could compromise the job. Even if most nights were spent on the ground, at least Andrew had the choice over where they were staying. On rare occasions, he'd luck out and find an actual bed they could sleep in.
Julia's voice broke through the silence. "Well, c'mon, Andrew," she said with as much energy as she could muster after s long shift at the diner. "Help me up. Sleep is calling my name."
Andrew slung the backpack over his shoulder as he stood. He'd easily held a hand out for Julia to take, the strings of their bracelets brushing against each other.
He began to lead the way, Julia's hand still in his.
Everything felt simple again.
After Andrew had walked with Julia to the diner, he set out to find someplace to hire him—again. His options were steadily dwindling and his jaw clenched at just the thought of walking into another place only to get turned away.
He huffed as the same arguments replayed in his head for what felt like the thousandth time. He wanted to do a job. He wanted to get them some cash, something more than the not even a few hundred Julia had raked in at that point. His fists clenched at his sides as he thought about just how easily they could pull it off too, any job they'd wanted— the thrift store and anything from before was proof of it— and they wouldn't even need to clean the cash. It wouldn't be too much but it would surely be enough to get them off the streets.
His dirty worn sneakers scraped against the concrete sidewalk with each miscalculated step. He chewed on the inside of his lip as Smurf's harsh voice played in his ear; "Pick your feet up and walk right Andrew. That noise is aggravating." His lips pulled into a frown, akin to the one that seemed etched into his face the longer he'd been around Smurf in the time leading up to…
"Pope!" A voice called out over Smurfs— whose voice was so close in his ear, as if she was standing behind him— and he almost missed it. Glancing up, he saw who the voice came from as they spoke again. "Is that really you, man?"
Baz sauntered up to him wearing a grin that he hadn't seen in nearly four weeks. He clapped Pope's shoulder in a way that made him tense, something so minute that you'd have to really have been paying attention to see it. Baz was dressed in clothes that looked far nicer and cleaner than his own. A white button up with soft blue and orange stripes layered over a tank top, paired with sneakers that had to be new, unscuffed and barely creased.
"When do you think you're coming back home? Smurf has been riding my ass about it and I don't know how much longer I can take it." He huffed a laugh, a tint fed up.
Andrew couldn't help it when his brows furrowed and lips pinched together, his confusion painfully painted all over his face.
What on earth was Baz talking about?
"What?" Was all Andrew could muster.
"Yeah, I mean… hasn't it been enough time for you to have, I dunno, shown Smurf a lesson?"
The muscles in Andrews jaw twitched. "I'm not coming back… I thought— Smurf made it clear that I couldn't."
"You not being there is really hurting the jobs, Pope." If Pope didn't know better, it would almost sound like Baz was pleading with him. "Craig and Deran can't help out like you can and Smurf… she's not handling it well."
It felt like when Smurf would get under Pope's skin— digging and twisting, searching for the buttons that she knew would hurt the most. Pressing and pressing and pressing until he broke. Just for her to pull him close to her chest the very next day, pressing saccharine kisses to his hair, to his lips, tugging him back after tossing him out to sea. He felt the same icy churning in his stomach, knots building just as they did every time she flipped on a dime.
He couldn't figure out how to get the words out, but his mouth didn't flounder helplessly like it often did with Julia. He had to guess his face wasn't plain anymore when Baz spoke again.
"You know how she is," he shrugged.
It wasn't at all what Pope wanted to hear. Not even an explanation. But, there wasn't really a way to explain Smurf was there?
"You really weren't thinking about coming back?" Baz asked, still incredulous. Part of Pope wanted to turn tail and leave, go find his spot on the beach again, go search for another place to sleep…
Pope just tilted his head to his shoulder in a half-shrug. Of course he'd thought about it, but how was he ever supposed to show his face to her when he saw just how she'd looked at Julia whenever she had broke back in. Full of disgust and aggravation. For her to have looked at him like that? Pope didn't even know how he would've responded but if the icy dread bubbling back up was any indicator, then he surely didn't want to return.
But still, even if Baz wouldn't have helped him before, he would've been a fool to pass up the opportunity in front of him. Baz still worked with Smurf, still had access to everything inside that house, access to a car, anything they would need to pull off a job. And damn did Pope want to pull off a job— all he needed was help.
"Do you have any jobs?" He said suddenly, voice hard and hushed.
"I mean, Smurf—" Baz started.
"Not Smurf. You." Pope stared at him, "Something we can do together."
"Thought you and… Julia… weren't pulling jobs any more." Pope ignored how Baz struggled with saying Julia's name like it hurt to say out loud, to remember.
"Do you have any or not?" His face was as plain as ever, his usual go-to when he didn't care about what expression he was making. He knew it always bordered on something dark. It was the same expression that Baz almost missed.
"I mean, yeah, I can figure one out, sure." Baz shrugged, a disbelieving smirk written across his face. "Come over to my apartment tomorrow."
"Can Smurf know?" He asked before either of them thought about breaking away.
"No." Popes lips pulled into a thin line. "You can give her some of your cut," he shrugged with a grunt. "We need the cash."
"Got it." Baz nodded. With one final clap on Pope's shoulder from Baz, the two of them parted ways.
Pope continued walking down the path he'd intended before he'd bumped into Baz. He kept careful attention on making sure his sneakers didn't scrape against the concrete, barely catching a glimpse of the people he passed. Not even sparing a glance towards hiring notices hiding in shop windows.
Pope's lips twitched into a smile.
He was finally going to be able to help out Julia and J and it would be with something he could actually do.