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Ilya watches as Shane stands in front of his locker, the older man looking to the roof and there’s a slight bounce as he stands. “Shane?” He says quietly, placing a soft hand on the older man’s lower back. It’s small but Ilya feels him flinch away, he sees the grimace on his face. “N-no,” He whimpers, Ilya then takes in his whole body as his hand falls from Shane’s back. The way he’s slightly bouncing on his toes, the way he’s gripping his jersey so tightly his knuckles are turning white, the way he’s grimacing at the bright lights in the room but he’s trying his hardest to regain his composure so he doesn’t embarrass himself in front of the team. “What can I do?” Ilya whispers, he looks over to the other men packing up their things, they’re joking about and chirping at one another while seemingly unaware of their team mates distress, Shane shakes his head, Ilya sees the tears gathering in his eyes. He mutters to himself as he turns to face the team. “Can you all hurry the fuck up and get out.” He shouts, his voice clipped in a way it usually isn’t with the team and they know instantly that something’s up. Troy tries to talk to him, taking the few steps toward him and Shane but Ilya puffs out his chest and moves to stand in front of Shane.
“I said, hurry. The fuck. Up.” He says, his eyes narrowed as the men start to leave the locker room. Once everyone has left, he turns around to Shane, seeing him still in the same position. He moves to turn off the lights over Shane’s head, which he think helps as Shane’s breathing becomes slightly more calmed. “Is ok, baby. You’re safe.” He whispers, shuffling through his bag and finding a small plastic bag of worry stones he’d bought months ago for Shane. They were just small oddly shaped pieces of silicon that had different ridges and bumps on them- Shane had blushed harder than Ilya thinks he’s ever seen anyone blush when he’d first gotten them.
“They’re for babies though?” He whispers, like someone might hear. “Not true. Description said suitable for Adults, Teens and Children.” Ilya pauses for a beat. “Is actually not for babies, they could try to eat and choke.” Shane gives a small morbid laugh but takes the small thing into his hands began playing with it softly.
Ilya’s thankful when he takes it without complaint, he fidgets with it, moving it between his fingers and rotating it slowly. “Is helping?” Ilya asks softly, he’s yet to touch the older man, scared he’ll overwhelm him further, so they just sit in silence until Shane is ready to get changed – it takes about 20 minutes, though he’s still feeling overwhelmed he’s able to manage it. “A-are the boys at home with-” Ilya shakes his head, he’d already talked to Yuna and asked if she and David could take the boys for the night. “They’re staying with your parents.” Shane nods, Ilya knows the rest of the day will be spent in quietness. Ilya smiles to himself as he sees Shane still playing with the worry stones, running his thumb over it as Ilya drives.
Once they get home, Ilya grabs both of their bags and brings them inside. After packing all of their stuff away and putting on a load of laundry- just the way Shane likes it, he smiles as he sees Shane sitting on the couch with one of his weighted blankets on. He’s got his eyes closed as he leans his head on to the back of the couch and Ilya can hear his deep breaths. The younger man looks at the time and moves to the kitchen, grabbing a packet from the freezer. He throws the contents into their blender and adds a bit of water, grimacing as he watches it come together. Once its ready, he takes it out to Shane and gently gives his shoulder a pat.
“Sweetheart, I made you smoothie.” Shane hums softly, he opens his eyes and Ilya can tell he hadn’t meant to fall asleep. “Thank you.” He mumbles and takes the drink. Ilya decides its best to leave him, if Shane wants comfort Ilya knows he’ll come and seek it out. He moves back into the kitchen and starts to prepare himself some lunch, just a simple grilled cheese.
Once he’s finished eating, he moves back out to the living room and sees Shane dozing on the couch. As Ilya sits down it seems to wake him up because he sits up quickly, with a slight blush on his cheeks. “Sorry, I didn’t-” He starts to say but Ilya cuts him off with a kiss. “Is ok, I love you. You can sleep if you need it.” The older man smiles, thanking him and laying down so his head is on Ilya’s lap. “Did anyone say anything?” He asks after a few minutes of quietness, his voice is full of exhaustion, Ilya knows he’s probably trying so hard to stay awake. “No, I think Barrett thought something was wrong, but I just told them to hurry up and get out.” Shane gives a small nod, his cheeks are still red, and Ilya can tell he’s embarrassed. “Is ok, they know you feel overwhelmed sometimes. Is what happened, yes?” He shrugs, Ilya leans down to kiss his cheek. “They already told you they don’t care. Nothing to be embarrassed about.” He gives a soft hum and closes his eyes, and Ilya can’t tell if he’s upset or not. “I love you, Shane.” He whispers softly as Shane’s breathing evens out.
After just sitting for a while he gets up and puts the washing in the dryer, unpacks the dishwasher and puts the few dishes in the sink in there for the next load. He’s about to join Shane for a nap when his phone rings, Yuna’s name flashing across the screen.
“Hello,” He says, moving outside to stand on the deck. “Is he ok? Was it bad?” God Ilya loved how much she cared about Shane, he was so lucky to have two parents who were willing to do anything for their son. “He is ok, napping on the couch now.” He turns around to look at Shane’s sleeping form. “Not horrible, I think he was trying to hold together for the team.” He hears Yuna hum, then he can hear David in the background talking to the boys. “Are they being good?” He asks, a smile falling on to his lips as Yuna tells him about their afternoon so far. “Tell them we will see them tomorrow, yes? We will come and pick them up in the afternoon, if Shane feels ok.” Yuna hums, Ilya can hear the concern in her voice as she asks if he’s ok again. “He is ok Yuna, I promise. You know I would not lie.”
He smiles as he hears the boys in the background, asking about him and Shane. Yuna must turn on the loudspeaker because the boys shouting and talking becomes much louder. “Hello mladentsy, I’m sorry you could not be home tonight.”
“It’s ok Papa, Grandma told us Daddy wasn’t feeling well.” Ilya hums as he nods, telling them that Shane was feeling overwhelmed and needed some quiet at home. “Can we talk to him, Papa? Wanna make sure he’s ok.” Nikolai asks, Ilya hates to disappoint him, but tells him that Shane is asleep and needs to rest. “He is ok Kolenka, very tired but ok, we will see you tomorrow, after lunch.” The boys exclaim happily, bidding Ilya goodbye as he hangs up the phone. As he comes back inside, Shane calls out for him, asking who he was on the phone to. “Just Yuna and our mladentsy.” Shane gives a small nod. “They’re- they’re not angry? The boys?” Ilya shakes his head, telling him that the boys had asked how he was- despite their young age, they have a basic understanding of Shane’s diagnosis. The fathers had never hid it, they discussed their feelings regularly- both theirs and the boys.
“No baby, they wanted to make sure you were ok. Kolenka wanted to talk to you, but you were asleep. They are excited to see us tomorrow.” As he speaks, he’s very careful of the words he uses, knowing how sensitive Shane can be about how it possibly affects the kids. The older man nods, looking at his lap. Ilya moves to sit next to him, pulling him into his chest. “Is ok that you needed a break. Is ok that the babies are staying with you parents.” He presses soft kisses to Shane’s hair, massaging the back of his neck softly. They share a quiet few minutes, Shane nuzzling into the crook of Ilya’s neck and breathing him in- the mix between his cologne and his body wash had always calmed Shane in a way he never could have imagined.
Somehow, they’re suddenly in the kitchen with Ilya moving around and obviously preparing dinner. Shane doesn’t even know how he got here. He yawns softly and rubs his eyes, exhaustion setting in deep in his bones. “You are back?” Ilya says softly, leaning over to kiss his lips softly. He hums absently-mindedly, he watches sleepily as Ilya fusses around the kitchen, whatever he’s cooking smells really fucking good. Clearly his mind is lagging because Ilya is talking to him though he’s not sure what is being said. Ilya comes back over to him, a small frown on his face. “Shane, you are spacey, yes?” The older man nods slowly, swallowing thickly.
“‘M really tired.” Ilya nods, presses soft kisses to his face. His eyes slip closed as Ilya gently spreads his legs, his hands coming up to cup his face gently. “Shanyechka, we will have dinner first, yes? Then we will sleep more, I know you are tired but we have to eat and have some water, yes? I will find your drink bottle.” Shane feels himself nodding before he has the chance to think about it, he watches as Ilya moves to find his drink bottle and frowns to himself. “‘S on the couch.” He mumbles, he doesn’t even think Ilya hears him but the man is coming back over to him to kiss his forehead softly and whisper about how smart he is- which honestly does make him smile, before making his way over to couch and retrieving the drink bottle- he and Ilya had matching ones, both dark blue Yeti’s with their names engraved. His husband opens it for him and gently brings it to his lips, Shane hums as the cold water reaches his mouth.
Once Ilya thinks he’s had enough to drink, he sets the bottle down on the bench and moves back over to the pan that had been simmering on the stove and stirring it once more before turning off the heat and grabbing two bowls. “Want to sit at the table? Or will we sit on the couch?” Shane looks at him, a small smile playing on his lips because he knows what Ilya’s doing. It’s the same thing he does when Ilya is having a hard time mentally, he gives small choices that kind of aren’t choices so he still feels like he can have some say in things- because of course they aren’t going to eat on the couch. “Table.” Ilya nods silently, making two bowls of whatever had been cooked that honestly has Shane’s mouth watering.
As he’s about to finishing plating the food, he gives a small nod to the table. A tiny, silent movement part of the language they’ve spent their whole relationship perfecting. Clearly his mind is still lagging because he’s already jumped down from the counter and walking towards the table- the same seat as always, the head of the table while Ilya always sat to his right, usually with Niko to his left and Julian on Ilya’s right.
“Is beef stir fry, we have it before and you say is very delicious.” Shane nods, words are still hard so he doesn’t say anything. They sit in comfortable silence, which is something Shane sometimes still struggles with but right now it’s perfect. He takes a tentative bite, Ilya probably wouldn’t even consider it a full bite because it’s so small but he doesn’t remember eating this and he doesn’t really know what it’s supposed to taste like. He knows Ilya wouldn’t give him he wouldn’t eat but because of his already fragile state but he’s just being cautious. As soon as it hits his tongue he nearly gags, Ilya’s eyes widen and then he frowns. “Is bad?” He asks, dropping his fork and placing a hand on Shane’s back. Shane shakes his head, it’s not that the food is bad it’s just that he’s extra sensitive to so much shit after a meltdown. He stands and quietly moves to the kitchen and spits it in the bin, he hovers over the sink for a few minutes as his stomach rolls. “Is ok Shanyechka, I will make you some plain butter on toast, this will be ok?” Shane shrugs, huffing out a small breath because this fucking sucked, he couldn’t even enjoy his husband’s cooking because of his stupid fucking brain.
His thoughts must be really loud and written all over his face because Ilya is kissing his cheeks and telling him it’s fine and that he should have known and that he’s sorry for making Shane feel bad.
Once he’s finished his toast- that he chokes down as well because now just the thought of food was enough to make him want to gag, his eyes start to droop as he follows Ilya into their bedroom. He strips himself of his clothes slowly and then moves under the covers, he watches tiredly as Ilya fusses around the room for a few minutes. He smiles softly as he watches him, as much as he’d hate to admit it he had picked up a lot of Shane’s odd quirks for how things should happen and where things should live. Once he’s finished, he’s cuddling up to Shane and kissing his jaw softly. “Can you-”
He stops abruptly, suddenly feeling self-conscious about his request. He knows logically that Ilya would do it, he knows that Ilya wants to help him feel better, but he can’t help the heat that rises in his cheeks as he looks away from his husband. “Mmm no,” he softly grabs Shane’s jaw and moves him so their looking into each others eyes. “What do you want? Is ok to ask.” He says, so gently and so softly that it brings tears to his eyes and he sniffles. Ilya shushes him with a soft kiss. “What do you need, Shanyechka? Tell me.”
He tries to look away but Ilya holds his jaw gently, patiently waiting for him to open up. “I-I.. Can you, um, I just think- maybe you that could-” He stops again, swallowing hard, Ilya is still silent next to him, still patiently waiting. “C-Can you please lay on me?” He finally gets out, his cheeks are a bright crimson colour that brings out his freckles and Ilya smiles with a small nod. “Pressure will help you?” Shane gives a small nod, he can feel the pressure slowly leaving his body as Ilya moves to lay on top of him.
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He wakes the next morning feeling better, not completely himself but well on the way. He cuddles into Ilya’s side- the younger man having rolled off of him during the night. Ilya gives a soft, sleepy hum as his arm tightens slightly around Shane and then he’s snoring softly again. “What time are we picking the boys up?” He asks softly, hoping to pull Ilya from his slumber but he knows that’s a harder tasks then necessary. When he receives nothing but soft snores as an answer, he quietly gets up and checks Ilya’s phone for the messages he’d sent to his mum yesterday.
He frowns a little and decides to FaceTime his Mom to see the boys. He grabs his own phone and moves out to the living room. “Hi Mom,” He says, a small smile on his face as he hears his dad arguing with one of the boys. “Hi honey, are you feeling better?” He nods, giving her a tight lipped smile which seems to please her as she doesn’t question him further. “Do you know what time Ilya said he was planning on getting the boys? He-he didn’t say yesterday and-”
“Not a specific time but after lunch, I was going to message him and organise a time.” Shane nods and thanks her, they organise for Shane and Ilya to drop by at 4 and then they can have dinner together. “Can I talk to the boys?” He asks quietly, his smiles grows as the boys come into frame. “Hi babies.” He says, though immediately cringes at the nickname.
“Daddy!” Both boys call out, their bright faces filling the camera and Shane can see the remnants of what looks to be chocolate on their faces. “We had chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast! Grandpa ikh sdelal!” Shane gives an excited gasp, asking if they enjoyed them and if they thanked him- because of course he and Ilya were raising polite, boring Russian-Canadians. “Vy poydote s Papa za nami pozzhe?” Are you coming with Papa to get us later? He nods, telling them it won’t be until after lunch and that will be having dinner there and then coming home, which they seem happy about. They talk for another while, the boys telling him about they’d done at Yuna and David’s the night before, what they’d done the day before, asking Shane how he is.
Ilya comes out then, Shane smiles at him over the phone. The younger man moving to the kitchen and making himself a coffee and then hovering over Shane behind the couch. “Good morning babies.” He smiles, then leaves over to press a soft kiss to Shane’s temple. “Shanyechka.”
“Good morning, Ilyusha.” Shane mumbles, smiling as Ilya pulls his face up to connect their lips, momentarily forgetting their sons are on FaceTime. “Ew Papa!” Nikolai groans, Julian lets out a fake gaging sound at the sight of their father’s kissing. “Shhh, are we not allowed to love each other?” Ilya says with a smile, Shane blushes hard and sits quietly. “Ok, we go now mladentsy. We will see you later, we love you very much, goodbye.” Shane says a quick good bye as do the boys- who are calling out to Yuna and David to say goodbye as well. Once the call has ended, Shane places his phone down on the coffee table. Laying back on the couch as Ilya moves around to sit next to him.
The next few hours pass in a comfortable quietness, Shane is appreciative of Ilya still giving him some space but also being there. Once they’re ready to leave for Yuna and David’s, Shane’s anxiety is bubbling over as he paces by the front door. Ilya doesn’t say anything, just takes hold of his hand gently and pulls him out to the car in silence. Once they’re in the car, Ilya hands Shane a worry stone- which the man starts to fidget with as he sits silently in the passenger seat.
The ride is silent, the only sound being the soft hum of the radio on such a low volume Ilya can’t even really tell what they’re saying. Once they get there, Shane takes a few minutes, doing some quick breathing exercises as he tries to calm his anxiety- Ilya knows he’s anxious about the boys being angry. “Is ok Shane, they were not angry this morning, they will not be angry now. They understand that you sometimes get overwhelmed and need space, that is all it is.” He shrugs as he wordlessly opens the door, leaving Ilya to sigh and follow him in.
“Daddy and Papa are here!” They hear Julian call out, two pairs of feet rushing to jump on them, Julian jumping into Shane’s arms and Nikolai rushing towards Ilya. “We missed you both.” Shane says, kissing each boys head and smiling as Niko leans over in Ilya’s grasp to hug him tightly while Julian is still wrapped around him. “Are you ok Daddy?” Niko asks as he lets go, Shane gives him a small smile and nods, kissing their heads again. “I’m great baby, now that I’ve got you two back.”
They walk further into Yuna and David’s house, Ilya watching Shane silently as he sits down on the couch and both boys start to climb all of him. “Boys.” He says curtly, his tone sharp in a way it never usually is with the boys. It makes them still their movements instantly and they move back from Shane. “Pozhaluysta, ostav'te Daddy v pokoye. Yemu vso yeshcho nuzhno lichnoye prostranstvo.” Please leave Daddy alone. He still needs his personal space.They nod silently, fiddling with their fingers and now Ilya feels like an asshole. They look like how he used to feel when his father would snap at him for no reason. He knows they’re just excited to see Shane but he’s so scared of him having another meltdown. Shane speaks then, his voice calm and even like it always is. “I think what Papa is trying to say is that I still need some space, yeah?” Ilya nods, giving the boys a small smile. “I’m feeling lots better, so we can cuddle but I still need a little bit of space ok?” They seem to understand as they cuddle into his side. Ilya bites his lip, keeping it from trembling as he watches their sons cuddling up to Shane.
He sniffles, standing quickly and walking out the back, Yuna follows him after Shane tries to but the boys grab hold of his arms.
“Ilya,” She says quietly, placing a warm hand on his shoulder. She hears him let out a shuddering breath and squeezes his shoulder. “I felt like my father.” He whispers, letting out a sob. He turns around to her lets the tears fall rapidly. “I got angry at them and they looked at me like they were scared. I was scared of my father.” She brings into her chest, she shushes him softly as he cries. “You are certainly not your father. You’re just worried about Shane, that’s all.” He nods, huffing out a sad breath as the woman holds him close and rubs his back.
“You’re the best father to those boys, you and Shane both. They are so lucky to have you two.” Ilya nods, he knows. He knows all to well how lucky his boys are to have two loving parents. “Did it ever scare you?” He says softly once they pull apart, he sees the confused look on her face and continues. “When he got overwhelmed? Did it scare you?” She nods with a small smile.
She tells him how she used to lay awake at night and try to come up with ways to help make the world easier to navigate for Shane, but ultimately realised he had to do it for himself. “It scared me a lot, when he was younger he would have horrible meltdowns. He would hit and kick and bite sometimes. He would throw himself on the floor and just cry and scream and there was nothing David or I could do. And then he got diagnosed and it all made sense, kind of. I remember being heartbroken for Shane because he wasn’t going to have a normal childhood but it made his behaviour make sense. We got him into therapy and they were able to teach him some techniques to help keep himself calm.”
“I hate when he hurts himself.” Ilya says quietly, sniffling. Yuna nods, patting him on the back gently before asking if he’s ok- to which he nods.
They walk back and the boys pull him down onto the couch next to Shane. “You ok?” Shane whispers, leaning his head down on Ilya’s shoulder. He nods, moving to press a soft kiss to Shane’s lips.
“Can I talk to you both?” Ilya asks as the boys climb up on his and Shane’s laps again. “When I got angry before, I wasn’t angry, really. I was a bit scared.” The boys frown with confusion. “I was scared that you might make Daddy feel overwhelmed again. I do not like it when Daddy gets overwhelmed, it makes me very sad and sometimes scared.” The boys nod, apologising to Ilya- who is quickly shaking his head and apologising himself.
Yuna comes in then, smiling as she brings in a new board game the boys had picked out at the shops last time they’d stayed over and that’s how they spend the next few hours, playing board games and eating dinner before giving the boys a bath and getting them into the car to leave. They bid goodbye to his parents, Yuna telling them to call if they need anything.
Their ride home is silent, but it’s nice. The boys are in the back, both of them almost asleep as their heads drop forward every few minutes. “Dadda,” Shane hears Julian says softly once they turn into their street. “Yeah J?”
“Can I sleep in your bed?” He asks, Shane swallows thickly. Usually he would say yes, but he’s still not feeling 100 percent. Ilya gently grabs Shane’s hand. “Not tonight baby,” He says as they pull into the driveway. “You can sleep in my bed J.” Nikolai whispers, rubbing his eyes tiredly as Shane an Ilya move to get them out and carry them inside. They take them up to Nikolai’s room, both boys cuddling up and smiling as their father’s kiss them goodnight. As they retreat back to their own room, Ilya starts to press soft kisses to Shane’s neck and jaw. “Ty prosto ideal'na. YA tebya ochen' lyublyu.” He whispers between kisses, Shane smiles shyly, trying to stuff his face into Ilya’s neck. “Mm no, I want you to listen when I tell you.” He gently grabs Shane’s jaw, makes sure their eyes have met and says it again. “You are so perfect, I love you so much.” He gives another shy smile, trying to turn his head. Ilya was yet to get him to be able to take a compliment. “Thank you,” He finally whispers, leaning up to kiss his husband’s lips. “Thank you for being the best husband to me, and the best Papa to the boys. Thank you for loving me.” Now it’s Ilya’s turn to smile.
“YA tebya chertovski sil'no lyublyu.” I love you so damn much.