Work Text:
"Unrequited love is one-sided. That part is simple. You feel something — deeply, obsessively, completely — and the other person does not feel it back. Not at the same level. Not in the same way. Sometimes not at all."
••• choosing people who are emotionally unavailable •••
It sucked that Neteyam ended up falling for the one person he wasn't supposed to.
It was a gradual process. It had to be, considering how, the first time he met Aonung, the other boy was someone Neteyam really, really couldn't stand.
They were 15, they were students, and their first meeting consisted of Neteyam catching Aonung picking on his brother. Their first physical contact was not of them shaking hands in greeting or a pat on each other's back; it was of him punching Aonung in the face.
That was when they were 15.
They were passed throwing punches at each other, now. Not when Loak had officially started dating Tsireya.
Apparently, Aonung, initially, disapproved of Loak because he thought Loak didn't deserve Tsireya. When that reasoning earned him a 'scolding' from Tsireya - "Stop being as meddling as mom, Aonung! I thought you are the one who's always going on and on about 'don't decide what's good for me' thing!" - he made a half-assed excuse of 'I just want to make sure he won't get that Hanahaki thing'.
'Hanahaki'.
Neteyam thought it was a fairytale.
Seven years later, Neteyam was 22, drunk out of his mind after a night out with his friends. They had all been stressed after pulling all-nighters to study for the exam they had just taken. So when they've all finished taking their papers, they went out.
It was chilly because it was snowing, and it was the perfect time for Neteyam to take out his winter coat and a recently bought wool scarf. Some would say he's exaggerating, and that it wasn't that cold, but Neteyam would argue that it's 'better safe than sorry'.
Plus, as far as he was concerned, in the friend group he's in, he had it the easiest when it came to pulling all-nighters. He did study consistently.
The only reason he joined his friends for their all-nighters was because he didn't want to feel like he was missing out. (It may or may not be because Aonung's there, but that's besides the point.)
Aonung had looked good that night. Actually, he was extra 'perfect' that night. Charming smile. Charming laugh. Charming jokes. Charming grin. Charming attitude.
He volunteered to be their designated driver even though he usually would rather sit through a 5-hours straight study session than be the last one sober. He dressed nicer than usual, even though it was just a hangout between close friends, and he'd usually only ever put any effort into looking good when he's out on dates. He looked after everyone and made sure they didn't drink too much, even though he's usually the one encouraging 'drinking the night away' behaviour.
He had been so, so, charming, that when they were left alone, Neteyam being the last one to be dropped off at his college, the drunk man ended up drunkenly blurting out the one thing he promised to himself to never confess and say out loud:
"Don't freak out, but I think I'm a little in love with you,"
Neteyam remembered Aonung's expression really well.
The man's cute and indulging grin turned awkward in the car and under the dimmed light, and Neteyam noted to himself that, if he ever needed to get (somewhat) sober in a blink, he'd just run his mouth and confess.
"Your… jokes are…" Aonung had started to say, pausing to think before he settled on rephrasing with an awkward and sheepish grin, "You've always been terrible at jokes."
Thankfully, Neteyam was still drunk enough to not embarrass himself by crying over being rejected. Rather, he had ended up bawling over a sad romcom that he remembered watching, and Aonung, the moron, stayed for who knew how long, comforting Neteyam.
Didn't the idiot know that leaving the air conditioner on for so long in the car would consume more fuel?
"Why are you even comforting me?" drunk Neteyam had slurred, having buried his face in the crook of Aonung's neck as his friend had pulled him into a hug in an attempt to comfort him for what felt like hours ago. "You gotta go, you know? It has probably been, like, hours since we got here.
Think about the gas price. Shit- I mean, I guess that romcom's ending is more tragic than gas prices…"
For someone who had said Neteyam's jokes were terrible, Aonung looked pretty humoured by Neteyam's joke this time around.
Neteyam broke apart their hug, mumbled an attempted 'goodbye' under his breath, before sluggishly opening the car's door on his side and stepping out.
He shrieked when he realised that it was fucking freezing.
Arms automatically wrapping around himself, he furrowed his eyes and scowled when he realised he wasn't wearing his favourite winter coat, and that only his neck was saved from the freezing weather because of his scarf. He had been so concentrated on trying to remember why he wasn't wearing a winter coat, that he missed hearing Aonung's side of the door opening before the man was standing in front of him.
One moment Neteyam was shivering, and the next warmth enveloped him, just as Aonung draped his coat on Neteyam's shoulders.
Neteyam hoped he didn't look like how he thought he looked like. (He hoped he didn't look at Aonung like he had seen an angel.)
"I think you forgot your coat back at the bar," Aonung supplied, hands busy making sure his coat fully wrapped around Neteyam. "I'll go check it, and I'll give it to you the next time we meet."
Neteyam hated how much he liked the man in front of him.
It's been seven years.
Before Aonung could leave, Neteyam tugged on the man's shirt. Once Aonung was looking at him, Neteyam took off his scarf, and wrapped it around his friend's neck himself.
Drunk Neteyam had an idea that he thought was silly, and decided to just wing it.
He tugged Aonung closer by his scarf, and asked, "Aren't you a little bit in love with me?"
Neteyam couldn't see Aonung's expression clearly enough because of the snowflakes that kept on landing on his face and lashes.
He did hear Aonung's indulging-sounding verbal reply, however.
"I just don't think it's for me yet."
Great.
The one time Neteyam fell for someone, and they weren't 'available'.
Aonung had kept standing out there in the snow, leaned against his car, as he watched Neteyam went into the college's building.
Only when Neteyam had entered the building did Aonung leave.
He shouldn't have 'confessed'.
Because Hanahaki won't 'come' to someone who is unaware that their feelings aren't being reciprocated.
So Neteyam really, really, shouldn't have drunk irresponsibly, that night.
••• romantacising the longing more than reality •••
"How would you approach someone you want to date seriously?"
Neteyam was pretty sure he was damn near close to breaking the pen he's using into half when Aonung randomly asked him that question.
The two of them were at the library. They took different degrees, so they weren't exactly studying together. (All-nighters were a different case. Despite how most of his friend group did not share the same degree, they stayed up together to give each other 'moral support'.)
Though Aonung was waiting for Tsireya to finish her meeting with her extracurricular club, and he had spotted Neteyam, and decided to join the diligent student while waiting.
Neteyam had been pretty focused and productive with his revision until Aonung asked that question.
Fiddling with his pen, Neteyam cleared his throat before inquiring, "Why you asked?"
He refrained from pointing out how he remembered some weeks ago that Aonung said he was just 'not ready for that kind of commitment'.
Aonung shrugged, tossing around the stress ball in his hands. "Just because," he answered simply. Although, a few seconds later, he added, "You still haven't answered my question."
Neteym pretended to be focused on studying. (He was just doodling on the empty spaces of the page he's on.)
"Why do you want to know?"
"Haven't I already answered that?"
Neteyam pursed his lips.
He thought of the flowers that crawled up his throat that he puked and coughed out.
He thought of the scratches he could feel inside his throat, but didn't bother to treat because it was going to keep on happening anyway.
He thought of how he should have kept his feelings to himself.
"I don't think I'll ever ask them out," Neteyam blurted. "I'll just. I'll just keep loving them from afar. Or something."
It was a lame answer.
Aonung sat straighter at Neteyam's answer, scooting his seat closer so that their knees brushed against each other. The man had a disapproving look on his face, and it was really concerning how all Neteyam could think about was how he wished he could kiss the pout off his friend's lips.
"That's just depressing," Aonung commented, eyes furrowed and still looking at Neteyam rather intensely.
"It's not that depressing," Neteyam mumbled his argument, racking his brain for something to say to make his previous answer seemed less 'depressing'. "Who knows? Maybe all that longing I do will reach them one day, and they'd just miraculously return my feelings."
It really was not Neteyam's best attempt at making up a supporting argument.
Aonung snorted at his friend's answer. "'Teyam, that literally only ever happens in movies," the man teased, eyes crinkling in the corners as he pinched Neteyam's cheek playfully. "I didn't know that you'd be a romantic."
Too close.
Neteyam swatted his friend's hand away, and hoped that he had done so fast enough before Aonung could notice the heat rising to his cheeks. "I'm always watching romcoms. What makes you think I'm not a romantic?"
"You just don't give off that vibe. Heck; all you ever do if you're not with our friends and me is study," Aonung snickered, remaining close so that his knees still occasionally brushed against Neteyam's. "I thought you'd be the kind of guy to ask them out on a study date, even," he quipped, thoughtful and curious.
Neteyam couldn't focus with him around.
So he started packing his things, hasty and increasingly more urgent when he could feel the familiar petals trying to crawl out of his throat.
Noticing his friend's sudden movements, Aonung stopped tossing his stress ball around in favour of looking at his friend in surprise. "What are you doing?"
"I'm leaving."
"Why?"
"Because I'm done with studying."
Neteyam tried to swallow the petals down his throat.
He was barely able to stop himself from gagging.
Just when Neteyam was about to make his exit, a hand on his forearm stopped him from moving away, and he turned to find Aonung's skeptical look directed at him.
"You've never been a good liar, you know? Always making it obvious by pretending to be busy and avoiding eye contact. Plus, ever since I asked that question, all you've been doing was doodling in the empty spaces of the page you're on.
So. What's your deal?"
Neteyam really hated it when Aonung used his brain. (Neteyam sort of had a weak spot for cute and smart men.)
Taking Aonung's unintentional advice, Neteyam looked at his friend dead in the eyes before deadpanning:
" I need to take a shit."
Aonung bursted out laughing.
They were both kicked out of the library.
It was a really hot day.
Petals threatening to be coughed out, Neteyam covered his mouth with a palm, and forced out a short 'I'll see you around' and attempted to leave.
Emphasis on 'attempted', because Aonung tugged on his sleeves and caused him to halt in his escape.
Aonung muttered a short 'wait', and, a moment later, there was a cap on Neteyam's head.
Neteyam turned to his friend, a little puzzled even as he adjusted the cap to fit his head better.
"Why did you give me a cap?" Neteyam asked.
"Because it's hot out," Aonung answered, taking out something from his bag while continuing to say rather seriously, "Don't want you getting sunburn and unintentionally driving away your potential male or female lead of the romcom you're starring in."
Neteyam wanted to laugh and banged his head against the wall.
Instead, he coughed out some petals into his hand, felt the momentary relief of having his airway cleared of stupid flowers, before asking, "What about you, then?"
Aonung finally found whatever it was that he had been digging for in his bag for the past minute.
The scarf Neteyam lent him.
Aonung wrapped the scarf around his head, barely doing anything to cover the man's face from the sun, before giving Neteyam a thumbs up.
"Your scarf will protect me, duh."
Neteyam wished he could find something funny and heartbroken at once. It was always exhausting when he was always forced to choose only one.
••• feeling more comfortable giving love than receiving it •••
"When was the last time you go on a date again?"
Aonung's questions about these 'dates' were starting to mess with Neteyam's head too much.
It was a downpour outside. Neteyam had dropped by to give Aonung the coat he borrowed. It didn't even smell like Aonung anymore.
When Neteyam arrived, it was all sunshine and rainbows. So when Aonung asked if he would like to stay for a drink or two, Neteyam accepted the offer. After all, even though flowers were literally growing inside of him and were probably going to kill him once they grew large and many enough, Neteyam was not strong enough to reject the opportunity of getting to spend more time with his 'crush'.
How was he supposed to know that the weather was going to betray him by suddenly raining?
He had walked to Aonung's house as it just so happened that his college and the metkayina's house were within walking distance. So when the rain started pouring out of nowhere, and Aonung hadn't refilled his car fuel, the man suggested that Neteyam should stay the night.
With a (not-so) heavy heart, Neteyam complied.
Aonung lived in his parents' house because he wanted to save money, as he didn't need to pay rent if he lived with his parents.
Neteyam would have been able to enjoy this random 'sleepover' if it weren't for the discomfort and pain in his throat and chest. There's also the part where he needed to get creative with the excuses of needing to go to the bathroom every few hours and how he should make his coughs quieter, but Neteyam would cross the bridge once he got to it.
Plus, he had just finished taking a shower in Aonung's bathroom, wearing the products Aonung liked to wear so much and ended up smelling like him, changing and putting on Aonung's clothes that the other man had given to him for his stay for the night.
Safe to say, Neteyam had coughed out all the petals he could during his shower. It all felt overwhelming and those feelings in his chest were festering rapidly at being here. So while he could hide the sound of his coughs while leaving the shower running, the sound of water against the bathroom's floor loud and rapid, he coughed.
By the time the petals were all in the toilet bowl, Neteyam had scrunched his nose at the vomit-looking 'thing' that came out of him. Petals, saliva, and, a recent 'development', some blood tainting the petals and not.
His vision was pretty much turning round and round, unclear and unfocused. His hands were trembling just as his body shook as he pressed to flush all the evidence of his 'impossible yearning' down the toilet.
The smell of flowers lingered in the air, but Neteyam was too fatigued to care enough to air out the bathroom.
At least flowers smelled nice. He would die smelling nice.
Nice.
He thought about checking around one last time to see for any petals that didn't fall into the toilet as they should, but he was already taking too long, and Aonung could be pretty stubborn when he started his 'interrogation mode'. (read: when he's dead set on being nosy and getting to the bottom of something.)
So when Neteyam emerged from the bathroom, saw Aonung chilling in the living room, he internally groaned when he could feel more petals climbing up his throat.
He had just vomited a bouquet worth of flowers.
Stupid Aonung. Stupid 'best friends that had always done everything together and would be immediately noticed if one of them decided to put some distance between them' concept. Stupid and shitty domestic vibe.
It was all just stupid, and Neteyam wasn't sure whether he wanted to cry or laugh at his own misery that he put himself in.
The feel of someone's hand on his ankle snapped Neteyam out of his derailing thoughts.
After he had gotten to the living room, instead of sitting pressed up against his best friend like he had always liked to do to annoy the said best friend, he had taken a seat on the furthest side of the couch away from Aonung, picked up a pillow, before hugging it to his chest along with his legs.
He had been grateful that Aonung didn't comment on it.
Though, at the moment, with his hand gingerly holding Neteyam's ankle, Neteyam had the feelings his peace wouldn't last.
"'Teyam?" Aonung called out, gentle concern on his face as he worriedly yet subtly gave Neteyam a once-over. As if he would know what's causing his friend so much distress that he kept on getting distracted just from looking. "You're good?"
Neteyam hugged the pillow tighter to his chest before pressing the lower half of his face into it, letting Aonung see only his eyes. (He couldn't clear his throat. The petals were starting to clog it.)
"Yeah," Neteyam murmured, hoping his voice didn't sound too scratchy. "Peachy. Never been better."
Aonung didn't look convinced.
He gave Neteyam's ankle a squeeze, the concerned look on his face unbudging. "Dude, I'm saying this because I'm a very good friend, but you haven't looked good for the past two months.”
Only two?
Neteyam felt like he had been coughing out and vomiting petals his whole life.
As always, when Neteyam didn't want to talk, he didn't take his friend's questions seriously. "You're only calling me ugly now after seven years of friendship? Is honesty not a common thing in friendships anymore?"
Ironic, because Neteyam wasn't being honest to anyone either.
Aonung being Aonung, immediately noticed Neteyam's unwillingness to continue the conversation. To Neteyam's dismay, however, he tried pushing, "You know it's not like that… You're… you look… fine… Looks-wise.
I'm just… I put on a romcom just for you, but you're not even watching it."
Neteyam spared a glance at the romcom on TV before turning to his best friend.
"I've already watched that one."
"??? It just came out?"
"I have a lot of free time," Neteyam murmured, swallowing down a 'I also like to suffer by watching other people's relationships flourishing while I'm doomed to dying from suffocation of deathly petals that look and smell pretty'.
Neteyam was using his second tactic when he was being interrogated.
When 'digressing' wasn't a success, he moved on to the 'give short and uninterested answers' tactic.
Unfortunately for him, Aonung had contingency plans for his 'tantrums': the 'change the topic to something random before returning to the issue' plan.
In Neteyam's case, though, he wasn't much of a fan of the other thing Aonung also wanted to talk about. "Okay, if you don't want to talk about it, and about how you're suddenly so repulsed being close to me-"
Automatically, Neteyam guiltily placed his hand over Aonung's hand that was on his ankle. "'Nung, that's not-"
Aonung's lips that had been pressed into a straight line morphed into a triumphant grin as he casually adjusted to hold Neteyam's hand better.
Aside from that smug grin and the hand that had adjusted to hold Neteyam's hand better, Aonung kept on talking with that accusing tone of his, "-how about you tell me when was the last time you went on a date?"
Despite how his heart ached at having his hand held so gently by someone who didn't even return his feelings, Neteyam left his hand in Aonung's hold. "What are you? My mom?" Neteyam complained instead. "Acting like you're excited for grandchildren or something…"
Aonung gave Neteyam a deadpanned look. (His hand holding Neteyam's remained gentle.)
"If I was your mom, I won't be worrying about grandchildren - since Loak and Tsireya are still happily together," the man sassed, pinching Neteyam's palm almost reprimandingly while Neteyam scowled in response.
Still, Aonung's sassy tone was quick to return to its warm one that never failed to make Neteyam's heart flutter. "I'm asking because I'm… I'm just noticing that I'm pretty sure the last date you went to was when you're 18."
The fact that Aonung remembered correctly was quite the miracle. Neteyam, of course, remembered his last date very well, too, since he remembered being absolutely horrified once epiphany hit as he realised that, throughout the entire date, he kept on comparing the poor guy to Aonung.
Not Neteyam's best moment.
In order to avoid confirming Aonung's question, which may lead to further interrogation, Neteyam tried a different approach: "My last date was just- it was… bad, and I felt bad for thinking it was bad, so I paid for our meal and bought him a… something. A 'gift', you could say. Don't remember. It was just compensation anyway."
Oddly enough, Aonung perked up at the word 'gift'.
"So it's not weird to buy gifts on the first date?" The man asked, looking to Neteyam like the man had all the answers to whatever he didn't know.
Neteyam forced himself to clear his throat even though he could feel something scratching at it.
"I mean, no, but it can be a waste of money if you and the other person don't click or if the date didn't go well and you don't want to be reminded of it at all."
The thumb tracing pattern on Neteyam's palm ceased.
"Then why did you do it?"
"…do what?"
"Buy a gift for that 'terrible date of yours'?"
"I told you already. It's because I feel-"
"What if your gift just reminded him of your 'terrible' date?" Aonung clarified, gaze unreadable and set on Neteyam's own. "So you think you 'wasted your money'?"
Neteyam couldn't answer his friend's question.
Truthfully, the date wasn't that bad.
Truthfully, Neteyam had always had the tendency to overcompensate and 'give himself away' too much. Sometimes he gave too much of his time, sometimes he gave too much of his money, sometimes he gave too much of his effort.
Truthfully, Neteyam had never felt so relieved when Aonung dropped the topic after seeing him so uncomfortable at the question.
Truthfully, Neteyam was barely able to wait to bolt for the guest's bathroom after Aonung excused himself to his room to check on an assignment deadline.
So many truths hidden. Kept to himself.
Neteyam sat on the couch, at the brink of falling asleep from tirelessly throwing up petals.
By the time Aonung returned, so casually settling close beside Neteyam before wrapping his arm around Neteyam's waist and pulling so that their sides were pressed together, Neteyam was much too tired to swat his best friend away.
He was practically halfway into Aonung's lap, but it was so comfortable, that Neteyam's tired mind decided that the whole lot of flowers he'd vomit the next morning would be worth it.
"My bathroom smells good," Neteyam heard Aonung remarked, his voice a little distorted as Neteyam was losing consciousness.
He wasn't sure if he was falling asleep or fainting.
"Actually, I've noticed this for a while now, but you smell good. Not sweet… Fragrant?
Saw a flower petal in the bathroom, too. You probably left the window open and the flower got in. But I'm pretty sure I've never seen that kind of flower around my house before. Actually, Neteyam, are you-?"
Neteyam mustered up his remaining strength to give Aonung's thigh a really strong pinch.
"Go to sleep, 'Nung."
He fell asleep before he could even hear Aonung's reply.
••• tying one's self-worth to being chosen by someone specific •••
Of course Aonung found out barely a week after that.
Neteyam hadn't been expecting anyone to visit him at his college. So he had been careless and left the bathroom door opened when he was practically puking his guts out. With the flowers, of course.
He was pretty content to fall unconscious hunched over the toilet bowl, considering how it was becoming a part of his daily routine anyway. Delirious as he was from the exhaustion and pain, he didn't hear someone entering his dorm.
Only a handful of people had a spare key to Neteyam's dorm. (He was a great student, and he had a pretty good relationship with the guy who handled college's stuff. Two spare keys were just benefits that he reaped from the socialising and studying he sowed.)
He was a second only to completely blacking out before he heard something dropped onto the floor.
Before the stilled silence was broken, and rushed footsteps filled Neteyam's ears before hands were on his face and tilting his head.
Of course it had to be Aonung.
The next time Neteyam woke up, all of his siblings were there, along with Rotxo and Tsireya.
Aonung was there.
They were all having a rather heated discussion at the small kitchen table where Neteyam usually ate his meals.
There was a box that seemed to be cake-sized on the table, and Neteyam suddenly remembered it was his birthday. (He had thought no one remembered. Not that it mattered.)
Tsireya saw Neteyam awake, and the moment she told everyone, they were all clambering to move to the bed Neteyam was laid on.
Embarrassed to be the only one lying down and looking so weak, Neteyam forced himself to sit up, back leaned against the headboard as he winced at the pain in his throat.
Small twigs the size of needles. Those were definitely a recent development.
Neteyam didn't even get to say a word when Loak was already grabbing onto one of his shoulders and practically demanding:
"Who is it?"
It took a lot of effort for Neteyam to not glance at Aonung.
All of his closest friends were here. All of Aonung's closest friends were here. Neteyam couldn't just ruin their friendships by admitting Aonung was an indirect reason to the flowers blooming in his chest.
He racked his brain, and came up with - probably - his greatest lie.
"Tarsem…?"
While Rotxo and Tsireya pulled a confused 'never heard of that' face at the name, all of Neteyam's siblings lit up in recognition and mild confusion.
Neteyam didn't get to see Aonung's reaction, with Loak being all up in his face the moment the name left his lips.
"You sure Tarsem does not like you back?" Loak asked, his tone genuine and completely speechless. "That guy likes you since even before he went to study abroad."
His words earned him a light smack from Kiri, and while Loak was busy whining at being smacked, Kiri sighed, "Didn't Tarsem say to not tell him? You moron."
…
Neteyam didn't expect that.
Then again, Tarsem had always been… sweet on him. But the 24-year-old man had always been nice to everyone, so…
"What makes you think he doesn't like you back?"
All heads turned to look at Aonung.
Neteyam had mentioned Tarsem in passing to Aonung before, but he had said Tarsem was just a friend.
That 'betrayed' look on Aonung's face was probably because Neteyam 'lied' to him.
Neteyam bit on his bottom lip, and when he subconsciously moved to get closer to the man, Aonung was already moving closer to his side.
Surprisingly, Aonung grabbed onto Neteyam's hand, and Neteyam sort of just internally gawked when Aonung's 'disatisfied and betrayed' look shifted into his typical concerned and caring look. "'Teyam, I'm not-
Don't make that kicked puppy look.
I'm not mad at you. It's fine. It's- You were probably just self-conscious, so you didn't tell me, but. The point-
The point, is that you kept this a secret."
Aonung squeezed Neteyam's hand, before he added softly and looked into Neteyam's eyes. "You should've told us. Or, at the very least me."
Loak's 'shouldn't he be telling his family first?' complaint and grumbling was ignored.
Neteyam hoped it wasn't too obvious that he's feeling like pulling his so-called best friend into a kiss.
"I didn't want to worry anyone," Neteyam spoke honestly for once, before he added on the necessary lies to keep his true feellings a secret. "I mean, I got rejected, like, a few months ago. I don't know. He lost feelings."
Wow. Totally convincing lie.
It had been a while since he last talked to Tarsem. Their next conversation was definitely going to consist of telling Tarsem the truth, and then he'd have to drag Tarsem to make the lie real, or something.
All this just because he didn't want to ruin his friendship with the real reason why a garden was practically thriving inside of him.
It was the way Aonung looked genuinely confused at Neteyam's words that had Neteyam feeling like pulling at his hair in befuddlement when the next words left the other man's lips:
"Putting aside how you even think it's easy to lose feelings for you… you don't think that you're not enough do you?"
Neteyam looked at his friend in confusion. "? What do you-?"
"You've been avoiding talking about dates, lately," Aonung interjected. "I mean, knowing you, I won't be surprised if you're feeling down because you got rejected and just decided dating's not for you."
"Excuse you," Neteyam politely cut his best friend off. "I can handle rejections and failure perfectly fine."
Unfortunately for Neteyam, apparently, everyone in the room was out to get him.
"You almost quit archery because you lost your first competition when you were in middle school," Loak quipped.
Tuk, who had been silently staring at Neteyam in concern this entire time, added to Loak's words rather solemnly, "It was also the last time he lost…"
Rotxo spoke up next, fingers on his chin as he wondered aloud, "Also, I remembered you holding a grudge against Professor Quack because he rejected your proposal of extending accessible sprts equipment time for, like, what felt like the longest time."
Tsireya turned to the thoughtful-looking man. "Who's 'Profesor Quack'?"
It was Tuk who answered, giggling, "Dad's friend who used to teach Neteyam for an elective course 'Teyam took. His actual name is Quaritch." She looked especially proud when she batted her lashes in everyone's general direction, "I came up with that name. Neteyam had complained about him to me because I'm the only one ever home whenever he comes home. Rotxo's schedule at the time somewhat aligned with Neteyam's schedule, so the three of us became something like gossip buddies."
Loak snapped his fingers and mumbled something that sounded a lot like 'oh, it's that bastard'. Still, Neteyam's attention was entirely taken by Aonung turning to him with a rather betrayed look. "How come I never know about this 'Professor Quack?"
Granted, when it happened, Neteyam was somewhat avoiding Aonung. His feelings were distracting him from focusing on his studies, and being around the other man genuinely threatened him with multiple heart issues.
Instead of admitting that, Neteyam half-heartedly replied, "I do not have to tell you anything just because we're friends."
"Best friends," Aonung corrected, pinching Neteyam's arm for a moment. "And of course we have to tell each other everything!"
Save Neteyam from this man, seriously.
Thankfully, they didn't really talk about Neteyam's issue after that.
It was there in the air, unaddressed and incomplete, but they all focused on celebrating Neteyam's not-so-surprised birthday.
Before they all left for the night, Aonung lingered, the last one to leave. It wasn't as if Neteyam didn't notice; the man had been sneaking hesitant glances at him the entire night.
"So? What's with the mystery?" Neteyam asked his best friend, leaning against his door frame while Aonung was standing at the other side of the door frame.
Surprisingly, Aonung didn't beat around the bush once prompted.
"Should I stay the night with you?"
He really shouldn't.
He had been right when he thought it would be a pain in the neck - literally - after waking up from being asleep practically halfway into cuddling Aonung. He had to skip his morning classes because he vomitted out flowers the entire morning the moment he got to his college.
But.
"I guess I wouldn't mind the company."
He lent Aonung his clothes.
Aonung unnecessarily apologised for not noticing earlier. Said how he felt bad for saying 'Neteyam's suffering' smelled 'nice'.
When Aonung slept, Neteyam noticed the man burying his face into the bedsheet. (He had commented just some minutes ago how at least Neteyam's bedsheet smelled like Neteyam.)
What a shame.
Just when Neteyam thought that Aonung would at least like the smell of flowers clinging to him.
••• mistaking the pain of wanting for the depth of loving •••
"It's his loss, you know?"
Neteyam looked up from the late dinner he's eating at Aonung's random words.
It's been half a year since Neteyam started coughing out flowers.
Ever since his secret was busted, Aonung had been persistent about staying by Neteyam's side. (Another thing he was subtly persistent about was making Neteyam wear his clothes. While Neteyam could have fooled himself into thinking that the other man liked seeing him in his clothes, he knew it was more because Aonung couldn't stand the smell of flowers, lately.)
He also wondered multiple times why it always felt like Neteyam's symptoms were always worse than what was described online. Neteyam knew why, of course. He kept on spending time with the guy he harboured unrequited feelings for; of course the flowers would flourish from the pain when he kept on reminding himself that the two of them were just friends.
Even though, lately, Neteyam was starting to doubt that.
The two of them were at Neteyam's room. Aonung practically already had some of his clothes stashed in the corner of Neteyam's wardrobe.
The takeout he's eating was also courtesy of his best friend's generosity.
"Whose loss?"
"Tarsem," Aonung easily supplied.
He popped another one of the snack he's eating into his mouth. "You're just- you're a catch, and I just. It never crossed my mind that you of all people would get Hanahaki."
"How come?" Neteyam asked, instead of voicing out a sarcastic 'if I'm such a catch, why don't you date me?' reply.
It took his best friend some thinking before he got his answer. "Because you're you," Aonung said. As if it was self-explanatory.
It wasn't.
"I don't have any idea what you're implying, but I'm taking that as a compliment," Neteyam murmured, turning to his meal again and about to finish the rest of it.
However, he didn't get to have another bite, because when he was about to, he heard Aonung say very, very, quietly:
"I wouldn't have turned you down."
Slowly, Neteyam turned to look at his friend.
When Aonung noticed Neteyam looking, he cleared his throat, sat straighter, and said, "If you were to, I don't know, hypothetically ask me out…"
Neteyam gave his friend an extremely long and slow blink.
It was sufficient to cause Aonung to ramble almost frantically to fill in the silence. Like clockwork.
"I mean, I'm just. Spitting nonsense, here.
You've known Tarsem since before you knew me, and you confessed, like, half a year ago. You never, well, talked at length about it, but if you had liked Tarsem since day one, that's like… so many years of longing.
You probably thought you shouldn't have confessed, since Hanahaki only acted up after you are rejected by you-know-who. But. I don't know. All those years… you spent liking him… I…
Maybe I can relate? I don't know. No idea-"
Neteyam couldn't take it anymore.
"You rejected me half a year ago."
Aonung's entire body went rigid.
The two of them looked at each other in silence.
It took a solid one minute of silence before Aonung had the audacity to ask: "Since when did you confess?"
"In your car," Neteyam blurted. Couldn't help but decided to wing it and maybe get rejected for the second time and hopefully die immediately if his gut feeling was wrong. "Remember that night when we all went out to that bar? It was snowing?
You lent me your coat, and I wrapped my scarf around you?"
Recognition very slowly settled in Aonung's eyes.
"… you mean that… joke?"
The two of them were alone, anyway.
It was about time he at least told Aonung the truth. Poor Tarsem who had been kind enough to go along with his lie the past months.
"I was a coward," Neteyam deadpanned, suddenly unable to look at his friend in the eyes as he looked at the suddenly not-so-appetising takeout in front of him. "I phrased it in a joking way to gauge your reaction.
You didn't even go along with the joke. All you did was look all awkward, and-
And I guess that's why I've never brought it up. I don't.
I don't want us to be awkward."
Neteyam had sat through many kinds of silence with Aonung.
The silence after they beat each other up. The silence after they apologised to each other because the school said they needed to. The silence the next time they bumped into each other after the apology. The silence when their younger siblings actually ended up dating, so the two of them ended up spending a lot of time together. The silence when they told each other a joke that didn't land. The silence after they shared a laugh and realised that 'hey he's not so bad after all'.
The silence after Neteyam's heartbeat stuttered over something as simple as Aonung switching their positions so he's the one walking beside the road, as Neteyam had sprained his ankle and was walking a little funny. The silence after Neteyam felt like his heart almost lurched right out of his chest when Aonung pulled him close and whispered a hushed joke. The silence when Neteyam fumbled and said 'I didn't hear a shit that you said' while Aonung asked 'are you deaf?' when in reality Neteyam sort of zoned out at having his friend so close.
Various kinds of silence.
Somehow, in their seven years of friendship, this was the silence that was most unbearable.
Abruptly, he shot right out of his seat, said something his brain didn't even really process properly so fast he almost bit his tongue, and tried to leave. (He hoped he said something along the lines of 'you can leave if you feel awkward' and not the desperate 'can we at least still remain friends?'.)
He tried to leave, but Aonung shot right out of his seat, and grabbed Neteyam's wrist so tightly, Neteyam had to turn and look at him.
"I think I'm also a little in love with you, too," Aonung confessed.
Neteyam looked at his best friends like he had lost his marbles. (Somehow, the flowers in his chest felt lighter.)
"Don't pity me-"
"Reject me," Aonung interjected, pleading so sincerely that the anger Neteyam felt when he thought he was being pitied by his best friend instantly dissipated.
"What are you-"
Aonung suddenly kneeled.
Completely caught off guard, Neteyam tried to pull his best friend up, but Aonung stubbornly kept kneeling, pressing his forehead to Neteyam's hands that he was holding. Even worse, Neteyam felt something wet on his hands, only then it dawned onto him that his best friend was crying.
Neteyam was kneeling along with Aonung in an instant, almost aggressively pulling his hands out of Aonung's strong grip in favour of cupping the man's face.
The man was actually bawling his eyes out.
It was pure instinct to run his mouth and started comforting his best friend, really. Though he couldn't exactly suppressed the disbelief and confused tone in his voice. "Dude? What the hell? I'm the one being rejected, and you're out here making this about you by breaking into tears-?"
"Oh my god," Aonung groaned, attempting to swat Neteyam's hands to wipe his own tears away - which was futile because Neteyam was handsy, and wiping his best friend's tears away was currently number one priority. "You- Get your hands out of my face-!"
"Am not gonna stop being handsy until you stop crying-!"
"'Teyam!"
Neteyam shut up.
He looked at his friend properly, and, somehow, it clicked to him why his friend was crying.
It was a wonder how it didn't click to him sooner, really.
Aonung finally calmed down a little, probably after he saw the look of realisation on his best friend's face. Still, because Aonung had always been dramatic, he covered his face and murmured into them.
"Please reject me."
Neteyam gently tried to pry Aonung's hands out of his face.
"Why should I?"
"Because I feel so damn guilty, you moron! "
"That's not a really nice thing to call your boyfriend."
"We are not going to be boyfriends until you rejected me, and then I'll suffer with flowers growing in me for, like, half a year-"
"I'm not putting you through that-"
"But I had! I put you through that! Even though it was-"
"You didn't do it on purpose-"
"-not on purpose, I was the reason flowers- flowers fucking grow inside of you!
I was scared of thinking you meant it that night, because it felt too good to be true, so I just- I brushed it off-!
You've been coughing out and vomiting the weirdest shit because I was a coward, and I'll be damned if I don't go through the pain I've put you through-"
Neteyam managed to pry Aonung's hands out of the man's face.
The first thing he did was cupped Aonung's face and squished the man's tear-stained cheeks.
The second thing he did was smash their lips together.
For someone who didn't expect to be kissed, Aonung was pretty quick to eagerly reciprocate the kiss.
At some point, Neteyam ended up laughing into the kiss, and it trailed into a full-blown one when Aonung started complaining - with a smile - under his breath about how Neteyam should 'focus'.
The takeaway was left unfinished.
By the time the two of them ended up in bed, Neteyam lost count of how many times Aonung apologised to him and the kisses he was showered in.
His chest felt oddly light, but Neteyam had a gut feeling - pun intended - that there wouldn't be any new flowers blooming anytime soon.
"Looks like you won't have to worry about me smelling like flowers anymore," Neteyam murmured, playing with strands of Aonung's hair while the man had his head resting on Neteyam's stomach, the two of them lay down on Neteyam's bed. "Guess I won't need to be wearing your clothes anymore to drown out the smell."
Aonung made a sound that sounded disagreeing, before the man sluggishly shifted his head on Neteyam's stomach so he could see Neteyam's face.
His cheek was squished. (If the remaining flowers and twigs in his chest didn't pierce any of his viral organs anytime soon, the endearing sight of Aonung scowling at him would probably kill him first.)
"Why?" Aonung asked.
Neteyam tilted his head. "Why what?"
"Why won't you wear my clothes anymore?"
"… because I'm definitely gonna not smell like flowers soon. After my system is free of flowers and all that."
Neteyam stared at the way Aonung pursed his lips, before his best friend turned his head so that his face was pressed against Neteyam's shirt-covered stomach.
He mumbled something against the shirt, but his words were incomprehensible.
So Neteyam pinched Aonung's cheek, and asked his best friend to 'speak up'.
Begrudgingly, Aonung made eye contact with Neteyam, and admitted, "But I like seeing you wear my stuff."
Later into the night, after Aonung's oh-so-heartfelt admission, they were properly cuddled on the bed. Aonung had been tracing patterns on Neteyam's chest, while Neteyam was already falling asleep.
Out of nowhere, Aonung muttered, "You should've rejected me."
Neteyam sighed, was about to go on about why he wouldn't do such a thing to the other man, when Aonung added:
"We could have had, like, matching gardens in our chest, or something."
Just for that awful joke, Neteyam pushed this best friend - his boyfriend - out of his bed.
"Can't believe you're making a joke out of my suffering, doofus."
"Wait- Noooo Let me back on the bed-"
"Rot for all I care."
"Ma 'Teyammm-"
(Aonung ended up back on the bed only five minutes later; happily wrapping his arms around Neteyam from behind and nuzzling into the man's nape.
It was nice.
Definitely nicer than falling asleep alone surrounded by petals.)