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Sometimes, Phil worried about Dan. Ever since they’d both moved to Manchester, Dan barely kept contact with the friends he’d left back in Wokingham. He didn’t make any new friends here either. In fact, it seemed like Phil was the only person Dan hung out with. Every time he had a day off or a class was cancelled, he was at Phil’s. It’s not that Phil didn’t like having him over, he loved it actually, but he felt a bit guilty. At night, just before falling asleep, a little voice in the back of his mind often tried to convince him that he was robbing Dan of his university years, that he was selfish, keeping Dan all to himself. If he let it go on for too long, it grew bolder and started telling him that he was toxic, too clingy, that he was suffocating Dan and made him feel pressured to spend time with him, and that one day Dan would get fed up and leave him. Phil would usually stop it before it got that far. Still, he couldn’t shake that feeling that he was somehow responsible for Dan’s complicated social life.
He thought about trying to encourage him to attend parties or hang out with his classmates when opportunities came up. Maybe Dan could use a little push. It had been easier for Phil to make friends when he’d gone to York, because he hadn’t had anyone there at the beginning. Unlike Dan, Phil had been single and all alone in a place he hadn’t known at all. It had been scary, but it had also given him an incentive to mingle. Dan didn’t have this incentive right now. On top of that, Phil had to admit he was better at socialising than Dan. He loved meeting new people, and naturally came off as friendly and easy-going. Dan struggled a lot more with letting people in and putting himself out there. From the bits and pieces he’d revealed to him through whispers in a shared bed or lengthy late-night phone calls, Phil knew he didn’t grow up in a very healthy and gentle environment. He understood how hard it had impacted Dan, which is why he wanted to help him as much as he could now.
The first time Phil tried to bring it up, it was at 2 am on a Wednesday night, admittedly not the best choice of circumstances. They were slumped on Phil’s shitty sofa, playing Crash Bandicoot in turns and definitely not trying to make the other loose by definitely not elbowing him in the ribs.
“Fuuuuck,” Dan swore loudly as another badly coordinated jump landed his character on a platform full of spikes. “FUUUUCK!” he screamed a second later when, trying to flee the trap, he made his character jump to his death.
He threw the controller on the carpet out of frustration and bit Phil’s arm through his sweatshirt.
“Oi!” Phil exclaimed, laughing as he attempted to get away. “It’s not my fault you suck.”
“YOU suck,” Dan said.
“Not right now. Maybe later.”
It was a bad joke and Phil half-expected Dan to tease him about it, but somehow it only made him blush. It felt like seeing 2009 Dan all over again, forward and uncertain at the same time, endearingly awkward and so easily flustered. Phil liked that he still had that effect on him.
“Anyway, let’s do something else,” Dan said eventually.
“Alright, what do you want to do?”
“I was waiting for you to give me some ideas.”
“Huh… Oh! I know it’s late but didn’t you tell me about a party happening at your uni hall tonight?” Phil tried really hard not to make it obvious he’d been trying to bring the subject up for at least four hours.
Dan tensed immediately. “Yeah,” he said dryly, eyes glued to the TV screen to avoid looking at Phil.
“Wouldn’t it be fun?” Phil doubled down carefully.
Dan didn’t reply.
“Dan?” Phil asked, but he was met with silence once again. He waited a bit, and then repeated, “Dan?”
“What?” Dan spat out through gritted teeth. There was no mistaking the anger in his voice.
“Are you mad?”
“No.” Dan still wouldn’t meet Phil’s eyes.
“Did I do something?”
“Jesus Phil!” Dan suddenly erupted. “Not everything’s about you!”
He stood up and, when Phil tried to grab his arm, shook himself loose curtly.
“Fuck!” he cursed, because he had no idea what to do now and he felt really stupid.
He knew he was colossally overreacting in a way that was so ridiculous he couldn’t turn back towards Phil, couldn’t stand the shame. He wanted to run and hide, but he had nowhere to go in this stupid tiny flat, so he just stood there, biting his bottom lip bloody and trying really hard not to cry.
Phil didn’t dare move, afraid to rush Dan. He waited for what felt like hours before turning off the TV and walking up to him, putting one hand on his shoulder lightly enough that Dan could break free easily if he didn’t want to be touched. Dan didn’t move, which was a start.
With a squeeze, Phil eventually asked him, “can you look at me?”
Dan opened his mouth, but couldn’t manage a single word. What could he say that would make this okay? "Sorry I can’t look at you because I don’t want to see the pity in your eyes?" "Sorry I’m so fucking stupid and useless I ruined our evening together?" "Sorry I can’t function like a normal human being?"
Phil squeezed his shoulder again, as if to bring him back to reality. “It’s okay if you can’t look at me. Can I hug you?”
Dan nodded, and hoped Phil could understand the motion from where he was. He did, because somehow he always seemed to understand Dan’s terrible attempts at communication, and Dan felt his arms wrap around him and his head rest on his shoulder. Phil didn’t try to look at him, and Dan loved him for that, but it also made him feel even guiltier. He didn’t deserve him. It was a miracle Phil even tolerated him in the first place, and yet he kept fucking it up over and over again. He felt the tears fall down his cheeks before he could even try to wipe them off discreetly. To his horror, one fell on Phil’s arm, but Phil didn’t say anything. He just hugged Dan tighter while he rode out the crisis. Eventually, Dan calmed down. He wiped his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie, took a deep breath, and turned back towards Phil.
“Sorry I made your sweatshirt disgusting,” he said.
Phil smiled. “It’s fine, I had to wash it anyway.” He’d washed it yesterday, but Dan didn’t need to know that.
“Do you think we could put a kettle on?” Dan asked.
“Sure,” Phil said. He kissed Dan’s cold cheek softly, and took his hand. “Come on,” he added, leading the way to the kitchen.
Phil didn’t bring the subject up again for a few weeks after that. He figured if Dan wanted to talk about it, he’d come to him. That failed to take into account Dan’s penchant for denial though. He didn’t talk about his feelings and he didn’t face his problems, he just bottled it all up until he couldn’t any more and it all exploded right in his face. Phil knew that. He was also aware of the fact that, if he was being honest, some part of him was also running away from this uncomfortable situation. He knew Dan wouldn’t bring the subject up again, but he still waited for him to do it because he didn’t want to get yelled at again. He hated when they fought. But the talk they both tried to avoid hung low above their heads. They both felt it every time they met up afterwards. Phil still fell asleep worrying he was an obstacle in Dan’s enjoyment of the whole university experience, and Dan still fell asleep feeling guilty for being such a failure in general, but especially to Phil.
So Phil tried to talk about it again. He’d chosen his occasion more carefully this time: it was a little bit before 8 pm on a Friday night, Dan had no assignments to do during the weekend so he seemed more relaxed than usual, and they were taking their time eating dinner while watching an anime.
“Dan?” Phil started cautiously. “Can we talk?”
He knew there was no universe in which starting a conversation with that question wouldn’t stress anyone out, but he’d thought about it over and over again, and he hadn’t been able to come up with a better opening. As expected, Dan turned his head towards him at the speed of light.
“About what?” he asked, eyes anxiously studying Phil’s face in an attempt to predict what his following words would be.
“Nothing serious, don’t worry, everything’s fine…” Phil said, putting his hand on Dan’s in what he hoped was a reassuring gesture. “… It’s just, remember a few weeks ago? When I asked about the party and things got… complicated?”
“Complicated” barely began to cover it, but Phil wasn’t sure which word to use that would feel both serious enough and not too dramatic at the same time.
If Dan closed up now, they wouldn’t be able to have this conversation for at least another week, and Phil couldn’t even stomach the idea. He hated the not knowing, the weight of things left unsaid, especially with Dan.
“Yes, I remember,” Dan replied, and, to Phil’s relief, he didn’t seem to back away.
“If I did something bad, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Phil said.
Dan took a deep breath. Everything in him told him to run away right this second, take his stuff and leave the warmth of Phil’s place, but he owed it to Phil to at least try and explain himself. He didn’t do much for Phil in general, he thought, but at least he could do that. That had to count for something.
“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Dan started.
He couldn’t bring himself to look Phil in the eyes, not when he felt so exposed, baring his ugly truth in front of him, but he squeezed his hand in a silent “I love you.”
“It’s me. I get upset about this… stuff.”
“Which stuff?” Phil asked. He thought he knew what Dan meant, but he needed to be sure.
“You know, the uh… The whole…” Dan stopped and groaned out of frustration. Why was it so hard to fucking say it? He wanted to slap himself. “The whole uh…” he stopped again, swallowed. “I guess I get upset about the thought of talking about my social life. Or lack thereof,” he blurted out with a nervous laugh. He felt so deeply pathetic right now.
“Dan. I won’t judge you. This…” Phil said, pointing at his flat, “… is a judgement free zone. This is a judgement free zone,” he repeated, pointing at himself.
Dan sniffed and laughed, sincerely this time.
“I care about you, so so much,” Phil continued. “I think you’re really great, and there’s nothing you can say that’ll make me change my mind.”
“What if I told you I’ve killed a dozen people?” Dan asked, and he knew he was being ridiculous but sometimes it did feel like that. He was nineteen and insignificant, but with a soul so rotten it seemed to bear the sins of all humanity. And he wasn’t even religious.
“We’d work around it.”
“Right, well I haven’t killed anyone yet, so don’t worry.”
“Phew,” Phil fake sighed. “So what about your social life?”
“Well, I don’t have any, for one.” When Phil tried to interject, Dan corrected himself. “Okay, I have one person in my life. Well, several, but does family even count? I mean, except for my mum, my nan, my brother and then you, I don’t have anyone else in my life. It’s pitiful, really.”
“No it’s not. And that’s not even what matters, what matters is: are you happy like that?”
“I don’t know…” Dan said, but he knew.
He wasn’t happy. Because of so many things though, not just his inability to socialise like a normal human being. Too many things to think about, even less talk about. Too many things to share with Phil without scaring him away for life probably. He had no idea just how much of a fraud Dan really was, and Dan felt bad for hiding it from him. One day he’ll find out eventually, Dan often told himself, and he’ll leave.
“I guess having uni friends would make attending classes more bearable,” he admitted.
Understatement of the century. The truth was, Dan felt lost and lonely, and he woke up every morning with three hours of sleep, his stomach in a knot and an overwhelming urge to just drop out of university. He went to class, sat alone, struggled to follow the lessons and always ended up just looking at all the friend groups that had already formed without him. Everyone seemed to be doing well but him, so he had to be the inadequate one. The worst thing was that he’d put so much hope in this: leaving home, getting a fresh start, making something of himself, getting to be with the boy he loved. He’d spent his teenage years dreaming of it, but now that he was there, he’d come to the realisation that it was never meant to go well. It couldn’t have. Because Dan was utterly unable to do well. He couldn’t share any of that with Phil though, so “I guess having uni friends would make attending classes more bearable” would have to do.
“Why don’t you try hanging out with the people from your group project?” Phil suggested. “You know, the one about the inheritance case thingy. You could all go and grab a drink or a coffee and brainstorm together. It’d be a great way to get to know them!”
“I appreciate your enthusiasm, I really do but…” Dan sighed, “… they’re kind of all mates already, I’m just the random weird bloke who got added in last minute.”
“So what? It’s not even been a month Dan, it’s not like they’ve had time to form a deep long-lasting friendship yet. They’re probably barely at the ‘let’s exchange phone numbers’ stage, and I bet they just decided to team up because they’d vaguely smiled at each other before so it was less awkward than asking complete strangers.”
“But they didn’t choose to team up with me though… It’s like I’m intruding.”
“You’re not intruding! Dan, I’ve met loads of friends through situations just like this one. That’s just what happens at university, nobody knows each other. Everybody feels out of place until they don’t, eventually you meet some people you get along with.”
“But what if I’m actually out of place? Like what if I’m just not capable of connecting with other people?”
“You connected very well with me, and we lived three hours away from each other.”
“It’s not the same, I had a huge crush on you and I really wanted to get to know you and-”
“You made me fall in love with you,” Phil cut him off. “So there’s something you did right. You are capable of connecting with other people, if you weren’t we wouldn’t be where we are today. You connect with me everyday.”
“Yeah but-”
“Dan,” Phil interrupted again. “You’re great. You’re funny, and smart, and you’ve had friends before, so there’s absolutely no reason you wouldn’t make new ones now.”
“But what if I talk to people and we don’t get enough time to become friends? Like how am I supposed to really build something when I already skip half of my classes?”
“No one’s asking you to find a new best friend. I certainly am not. I’ve got that covered and I want you all to myself,” Phil replied with a cheeky smile. “I think you put too much pressure on yourself. Sometimes you meet people you get along with, and it grows into something more and you become friends, and sometimes it doesn’t and you remain acquaintances. So what? At York there were people I liked to hang out with that I never talked to again after getting my degree. We didn’t have any dramatic fall outs or anything, we just weren’t that close and then we lost touch. Doesn’t mean I don’t have fond memories of them. Doesn’t mean I didn’t have fun with them when we used to hang out. There are no boxes you have to tick Dan, just try and speak to people you think might be interesting, and then see how it goes.”
“There’s way more in there than you let on, Lester,” Dan said, patting Phil’s head. “But seriously, thank you. I kind of feel better.”
He meant it. Phil may not have magically solved all of his problems, he may not have cleared up all the doubts and dark thoughts stirring in Dan’s head, but he’d made things a bit easier today. He’d helped Dan turn off his brain for a few hours, allowing himself a bit of respite. Deep down, maybe he’d even given Dan a teeny tiny bit of hope. Maybe. There was so much Dan wanted to tell him and thank him for, so much he wanted Phil to see. He took Phil’s plate, put their now very cold dinner on the coffee table, and kissed him hard. As he slid his hands under Phil’s tee-shirt, he hoped his body would communicate what he couldn’t say out loud.
A few days later, Phil was on his bed editing his latest video when he heard the ping of his phone coming from somewhere under the blanket. It was a text from Dan. He opened it, and was met with a frankly pretty shitty picture. From what he could gather, Phil guessed it was some sort of poster on a wall.
Phil
?
Dan
party tomorrow :p
Phil
yay ^o^
u going?
Dan
maybe
call tonight?
Phil
yee
now study
Dan
--’
That evening, as soon as Dan stepped foot in his bedroom, he got his phone out of his back pocket.
Dan
call?
Phil didn’t reply. Dan threw his bag on the ground and jumped on his bed.
Dan
phiiiiiiil
call!!!
phil
phil
:'(
A few minutes later, Dan’s phone rang. He picked up in a heartbeat.
“Helloooo,” Phil said. “Sorry, I was having a shower.”
“How dare you,” Dan answered. “Busy day?”
“Not really. I edited a video and went out to buy some stuff to eat. You?”
Dan groaned. “Exhausting as usual. But one guy fell down the stairs of the lecture theatre this morning. Highlight of my day, I wish you’d been there.”
“Nothing like a stranger’s misery to cheer a lad up, I wish I’d been there.”
“Did you get the picture I sent?”
“The unidentifiable purple shape on a white background? Yeah I got it.”
“Oi! I did my best for the record, but I took it in-between classes so I didn’t have much time.”
“Are you gonna go to the party?”
“I don’t know, could be cool right?”
“Definitely!”
“Phil?”
“Yes Dan?”
“Would you come with me?” Dan asked, hating the way he barely managed to conceal the slightly pleading tone in his voice. He’d be much less anxious if he had Phil by his side for this, but he still felt childish for asking.
“I’d love to!” Phil replied, and Dan could almost hear his smile through the phone. “What time does it start?”
“9 I think.”
“Alright, I’ll be at yours at 8 then. We’ll grab something to eat and go together.”
“Cool.”
Phil wanted to tell Dan that he was proud of him for getting out of his comfort zone, that he was honoured Dan wanted him to be there for it, but he didn’t want to make things weird, so instead he offered, “want me to quiz you on family law?”
“You don’t know anything about family law Phil, and your questions always suck. But okay.”
Phil was late, but he had a very good reason. His hair just wouldn’t cooperate, so he’d had to put his head in the bathroom sink to get it wet again and fix it. Of course, he hadn’t thought to take off his shirt, which had been drenched by the time he was done, so he’d had to change it. And then he’d had to change his trousers because they didn’t go well with the new shirt. He’d brought cereals with him though, and they were Dan’s favourites. That’s exactly what he told him when Dan opened the door, before he had the chance to get a word in. Dan smiled fondly, looked both ways into the hall to make sure no one was there, and then leaned in for a swift kiss.
“Welcome to my humble abode,” he said, inviting Phil in.
“I’ve been there before you know.”
“Yeah but I’ve tidied it this time.”
“I see,” Phil replied, looking at a pile of unfolded tee shirts on Dan’s bed. “What’s this then?”
“Couldn’t find a good one,” Dan replied, closing the door. “Wanna help?”
“Sure,” Phil said as he pushed the pile to sit on the bed. “What about this one?” he offered, holding a black sleeveless tee shirt out to Dan.
“Too much arm.”
“I like your arms. This one?” Phil tried again, with a white band tee in his hand.
“I don’t know… It feels kind of ‘oh look at me I’m so cool with my cool music taste please everybody tell me I’m cool,’ no?”
“No it’s fine. Just put a jacket on top or something.”
“Alright,” Dan said and took of the tee shirt he was wearing.
Phil hummed in appreciation. “Or you could just stay like that, that’s what I like most on you.”
“Horny bastard,” Dan laughed. He put on the band tee and turned towards Phil. “How does it look?”
“Great,” Phil assured. “Let’s eat now, before I die of starvation.”
The party was already well on its way when they arrived. Dan had told Phil he preferred it like that, it made it easier to just slip in and get into the mood without feeling scrutinised. The place was huge and packed, with some pop song blaring from big speakers. Some people sat on the floor, glasses of cheap alcohol between their legs. Others waited in a long line to go to the toilets. The great majority of the crowd was shared between two areas: a dim dance floor occasionally lit up by blinding blue laser beams, and a huge bar, shiny and sticky from countless spilt drinks. Dan and Phil were making a beeline towards the latter when they heard someone call out Dan’s name and turned around. A lanky guy with dark hair stood facing them.
“Owen!” Dan said, “hey.”
“Didn’t think I’d see you there, I’m glad you made it!” Owen replied, eyes moving to look at Phil with a hint of curiosity.
“Oh yeah sorry,” Dan said. “Phil, this is Owen, we’re working together on the group project I told you about. Owen this is Phil, my huh... best friend.”
“Nice to meet you,” Phil jumped in with a smile Owen returned immediately.
“You too!” His eyes turned back to Dan. “Eva’s here with Aliyah,” he told him. “We’re over there, you should come join us when you’re done ordering your drinks.”
Dan shot a quick look at Phil, eyes silently asking, “is it okay with you?” When Phil gave the slightest of nod, Dan told Owen, “sure! See you in a minute then.”
With that, Owen disappeared through the crowd just as fast as he’d appeared.
“He seems nice,” Phil told Dan enthusiastically. “Cool tee shirt as well! Did you see?”
“Didn’t notice,” Dan replied, trying to reach the counter. “What was it?”
“I couldn’t make out what was written on it but it had a drawing of a dog, which points to great taste.” He looked at the list of available drinks, pointed it out to Dan and asked him, “what do you reckon?”
“I always go for what’s strongest and cheapest,” Dan shrugged. “I think I’ll take the jäger pint. It’s kinda foul but it’s under a tenner. You?”
“Pineapple juice and malibu.”
Drinks in hand, they made their way across the dance floor where, as expected, Phil accidentally spilled half of his glass. By the time they’d reached Owen and the others, Phil’s trousers were suspiciously stained near the upper-thigh.
“Hi,” he told them. “Before anyone asks, this isn’t piss. Just my drink I spilled.”
“Great introduction Phil,” Dan said, rolling his eyes. “Hi guys,” he greeted the two women who stood on his left. “This is Phil, sorry for him.”
“Hi Phil,” one of them said, looking at him. “I’m Eva, and this,” she added, pointing at the tall girl with long pink dip dye box braids next to her, “is Aliyah.”
“Hiya,” Aliyah said. “What are you drinking?”
“Malibu. What’s left of it at least. Wait, is that a Yorkshire accent I’m hearing?”
“Yeah!” Aliyah replied with a bright smile. “I’m from Doncaster. Ever been?”
“No, but I went to uni in York. Loved it. I’m from around here actually, my parents live thirty minutes away from Manchester.”
“Oh, I see. Well, here’s to us Northerners!” Aliyah exclaimed, taking a sip of her drink.
Phil followed suit, and the others all groaned in unison.
“Ignore them,” Aliyah told him. “Dirty Southerners the lot of them.”
“First of all my mum’s Welsh,” Owen interrupted. “Don’t lump me in with them,” he said, pointing at Dan and Eva.
“Well fuck us I guess,” Eva said and grabbed Dan’s arm. “Come on, let’s go talk just the two of us about things they wouldn’t understand.”
The night was going well, Phil thought as he sipped his third drink. Owen had just left their conversation abruptly because of a call he had to take, so he was left alone on the sofa. On his right, Dan was launched into a passionate exchange with Eva and Aliyah, but he could barely make out any words with the loudness of the music. Phil didn’t mind this short moment of solitude, it gave him a breather. It allowed him to take in everything around him, to notice the sensations in his body. The way his heart beat slightly too fast with excitement, the floaty feeling in his head from the alcohol, the warmth of Dan’s thigh where it pressed against him absent-mindedly on the sofa. He looked at him and the warmth spread, swelling in his chest. He was beautiful, he thought, with soft hair falling into shiny eyes and big hands moving all round because he just couldn’t stay still when he talked. The pride Phil had felt when Dan had told him about his intentions to go to the party came back even stronger as he watched him laugh with his classmates, all snappy jokes and sharp comments. Phil loved to share Dan with the world, to see people appreciate him the way he deserved to be. He knew tonight was a big deal for Dan, and he was glad it was going well. Looking at him socialising on his own also made Phil feel less like an obstacle in his life. It made him feel less guilty for leaving him alone to go the toilets as well.
“Going for a wee,” he told Dan, putting a hand on his thigh to catch his attention.
Dan leaned in and asked, way too loud for how close he was to his ear, “want me to come with?”
“Nah, I can piss by myself, I’m a big boy,” Phil replied with a laugh. “But thank you.”
He squeezed his hand quickly under the table, and got up.
When he returned twenty-ish minutes later, Dan somehow had went from mildly drunk to absolutely pissed.
“Philllllllllllll,” he cried out and threw his arms around his neck.
“Jesus, I was gone less than half an hour lad,” Phil said.
He put a steady hand on Dan’s hip, not quite sure what to do. Dan could get really touchy-feely sometimes when he drank, which Phil loved, but they were in public and he knew this was a degree of intimacy Dan wouldn’t normally feel comfortable with showing. Phil couldn’t blame him either, he’d been through his fair share of prying and disapproving stares in bars, and the slur a drunken guy had yelled at him from across the street the last time he’d went out with some of his friends still rang in his ears from time to time. This was even harder for Dan, he knew, so he used the hand he had on his hip to push him away gently. Dan pouted, but went along with it.
“Where are the others?” Phil asked.
“Off dancing they said,” Dan replied. “Dancing,” he repeated and, as if he’d made a joke only he was in on, he giggled to himself.
Phil sat back down on the sofa. Dan followed, misjudged the size of the available space next to him and plumped down half on his lap.
“Move you idiot,” Phil told him fondly.
“Sorryyyyy Philly.”
Phil went back to the drink he’d left behind. When he looked at Dan through his peripheral vision, his eyes were fixated on Phil’s lips, wrapped around the tacky neon green straw through which he was taking little sips of his cocktail. Phil smiled, and it seemed to snap Dan out of it.
“You know,” he started, then fell silent.
Phil waited for a bit, but it seemed Dan had forgotten he was in the middle of a sentence.
“Know what?” he asked.
“What?” Dan replied confused.
“You said ‘you know,’ know what?”
“Oh yeah sorry,” Dan giggled again.
Ridiculous, Phil thought, and so endearing.
“I was thinking about when we first met,” Dan continued. “You were wearing a shirt that looked a bit like the one you’re wearing right now.”
“Yeah. I’ve got like ten same shirts in different colours. They’re my special occasion shirts.”
“Special occasion…” Dan said and fell silent again, lost in thought.
Suddenly, he shot his head up, turned wide eyes towards Phil and took his hand under the table, as if he’d just had a revelation he absolutely needed him to hear. Phil would’ve been unsettled by the abrupt intensity if he wasn’t so used to drunk Dan’s behaviour by now.
“You’re special,” Dan said.
“Okay-” Phil started, but Dan cut him off.
“No you don’t understand. You’re so special.” He was slurring, but the look on his face told Phil he was being very serious. “You know, I’ve always liked you. Since the day we met. Since before that. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sometimes I look at you and I’m like what, how did I pull that off? Like what kind of miracle? I’m so happy you’re here. I mean now, but also in general, I mean. You make my life so much better. You’re so amazing. Amazing Phil.”
He stopped, swallowed heavily. His cheeks were red and his eyes glassy, Phil couldn’t tell if it was from the alcohol, the emotions, or both. He knew better than to interrupt Dan when he got like that, so he freed his thumb from Dan’s hold under the table and used it to draw small soothing circles on the back of his hand.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to tell you how much you did, do, for me. I’ve had a shitty life. Shitty school. Shitty home. Miserable. You changed everything. You make me want to be better. You make me better. Like tonight, with the others and everything. And…” He went on, a bit lower. “I love you. I love you so so so much.” He wasn’t crying, but Phil could’ve sworn he heard a sob. “I want to be with you all the time forever. If you want. Because I love you.” His voice broke down at the end, and Phil could feel as his body started shaking.
“Alright Danny. I think it might be time to call it a night,” Phil decided, stroking Dan’s hair with his free hand.
“Do you love me?” Dan asked, almost desperate.
“Of course I love you twat. Let’s go home and I’ll tell you all about it.”
It was meant to be innocent, but Dan’s eyes went from emotional to hungry in a flash. Phil was always amazed at Dan’s ability to get turned on in mere seconds.
“Tell me? What about show me?” Dan asked with a smirk. The mood had definitely shifted.
“What was it you called me earlier? Horny bastard? Look who’s talking now,” Phil replied. “Grab your coat and let’s go find your classmates to say goodbye.”
They didn’t break physical contact until they got home. Phil’s right hand went to the small of Dan’s back when they made their way through the crowd and out of the bar, their little fingers intertwined under Dan’s coat in the backseat of the taxi, their lips met in the lift going up to Phil’s flat, and, as soon as they crossed the threshold, Dan crowded Phil against the wall and kissed him deep, sliding his hands down to grab every inch of his body within reach.