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Stillness clings to the air as you walk through the halls of the Hail Mary. The ship hums all around you, a never-ending chorus of mechanical workings that you are used to after these last weeks aboard. The cold metal flooring beneath your feet is a trusty anchor in the never-ending space around you. The clock in your room indicates its late–nearly one in the morning on Earth. Time does not always seem relevant when you are traveling through an unchanging void, but it gives one a sense of structure. A vague reminder that life is supposed to be something other than a one-way space mission.
So, you and Ryland try to stick to a routine for a sense of normalcy and overall sanity. All crew meals together, designated personal times, and then in individual quarters by ten or so.
You tend to be a deep sleeper and never wander out of the dorms this late. Yet a lingering feeling about a certain dirty blonde crew mate had prevented rest from coming to your door.
Ryland Grace is on your mind.
Something hasn't been right about him the last few days.
The usual beacon of odd facts and sarcastic quips has been withdrawn. Ryland barely touched the appetizing space dinner you worked so hard to rehydrate earlier. You even offered to play a game of chess with him despite the fact you always lose and most of the time is spent with him giving you a history lesson about the game itself. The man hadn't even cracked a smile.
The worries swimming around in your brain are confirmed when you see in the computer logs that Ryland left his room an hour ago. An entrance had then been logged in the ship's crew lounge. There isn't much privacy on a ship designed to track every moment you make.
Sure enough, Ryland is sitting on the floor right in front of the massive window on the left side wall. The observation bay. Minus actually doing a spacewalk it's the most intimidating viewing on the ship.
It's a truly awesome view of space; the endless charcoal sky paints the universe with only glimmering stars and planets daring to disrupt it. It's jarring seeing it day after day, yet there's a beauty in it that you revere.
The ‘don't go crazy’ room helps too for when you need a reminder that there is something more than that.
You approach Ryland slowly, mindful of the fact he has that look on his face, the one he only gets when he is lost in thought. That tends to be the case quite often, so you are used to it. It’s essentially his default face and it gives you a quiet moment to observe his stunningly handsome features.
It takes Ryland a moment to even notice you and when he does you're already lowering yourself down next to him. You bring your knees up to your chest as you offer him a small smile.
“Hey Grace, you good?”
“Oh… I thought you were asleep," he mutters. "I never see you leave your dorm this late.”
You shrug. "I was. I noticed you were not. Why are you over here so late? Is everything okay?"
Ryland averts his eyes from yours, gazing out into the abyss as if maybe its boundless wonders can hide the emotions stewing in his heart.
“Such an insane view, isn't it? It's truly something to be able to see this. I've had many colleagues who would step over each other for the chance."
"I mean it's pretty spectacular and you're right about that, but why are you passing up sleep to come see it?"
"I wanted a private viewing, you can be chatty during the day and I need the dramatic feeling of sitting here all alone,” Ryland lightly teases.
You roll your eyes. "Well, now I know you're avoiding my question.”
Ryland lets out a huff, his hand fidgeting with his bright orange pants.
“I'm trying to keep the mood light and avoid engaging in any unpleasant or heavy conversations. I'm being courteous."
You’re not surprised at all. Ryland is exactly the type to hide whatever is bothering him under some sense of politeness towards you.
“Well, don't because it's not necessary. You can be honest with me. I'll listen to whatever it is."
"You don't need the added stress. I can be a lot of added stress on a person, I've been told," he says as if he actually expects you to think that way of him.
"Nope. You don't stress me out. The only way to stress me out is by hiding when you are not okay."
Ryland finally glances at you before finally shifting his body to face yours. You notice now there’s dark circles forming under his blue eyes and his shoulders are slumped from exhaustion.
"Alright, alright, if you insist... I just…I haven't been sleeping lately. I either get insomnia that causes me to stare at the ceiling for hours or once I finally fall asleep, I have vivid nightmares. It's perplexing."
You hum as you listen. You surmised it might be something of the sort, but it does cause a pang of guilt in your chest. Sleep comes so easy to you out here, yet Ryland is not even getting that brief reprieve lately.
"I'm so sorry. That sounds terrible, you deserve to be able to rest."
Ryland sucks in a breath and shakes his head once. "It's fine, I'll just stay awake forever. It makes my mind sharper—if anything I'll probably be able to figure out this whole saving the world thing faster. I'll set a world record for saving it on no sleep. Won’t that be something?”
He is pretty much just rambling now, the exhaustion evident in his tone.
You sigh.
There he goes again using humor to deal with his uncomfortable feelings instead of facing them. Maybe if this was any other situation, you would urge your roommate to report it to the Captain or you will.
Unfortunately, it is just you and Ryland on the Hail Mary. The two of you have to rely on each other and be able to help one another out, especially in moments of distress. His resistance is not helping anything, yet you know he needs to be handled gently–which is perfectly fine with you since he’s flipping adorable.
You ponder over the dilemma. The ship does have sleeping aids, but those are not a long-term solution and really are only supposed to be used in more of a medical emergency.
So, only one option seems plausible to you that can possibly provide some comfort and help to the struggling scientist.
"Listen, what if we try sharing a bed from now on? Like.. that’s just our regular sleep protocol or whatever.”
Rylands eyes immediately snap to yours and he somehow practically falls over despite being seated on the floor. Given the man's reaction, one might think he had just been proposed to.
When he speaks again his voice is higher. "E-Excuse me? I might be too sleep deprived to hear you correctly."
"It's really not that far-fetched, we're together most of the day anyway. We can just convert one of the extra dorms, move another bed in there tomorrow. I mean I think it may help you sleep, ya know? The comfort of knowing someone else is there.”
"I–no we can't just do that. Maybe I've considered that, but there are rules...," Ryland swallows hard, "or regulations about fraternization between crew members, I mean we can't just blur the lines, they keep us in check up here," he finishes, waving his hands in the air.
You raise an eyebrow. "Wait, you already considered it?"
"Well yeah... I find your presence comforting and you have a way of talking me down. I've considered coming to your door after a night terror. I just didn't wanna cross any lines or apply pressure in a way that could affect our relationship. It's too important–you're too important to me.”
“Oh, oh. I see.”
For the first time, you have to look away from Ryland because if not you fear it will be too obvious how his words are making you feel. The heat beneath your cheeks and the way your heart is racing are too much. You’re sure he just means important in a mission sense, right?
Though even if that is the case you’re still touched.
However, the thought of him too anxious to ask for help breaks your heart. You can’t have that.
"Listen, we’re not exactly in a traditional situation where we can just call Mission Control for advice. Our particular situation requires improvisation like Jazz,” you say, pursing your lips.
“Besides, I'm just talking about being in the same space and taking comfort in that. Maybe a light cuddle if we both want too. Nothing inappropriate or scandalous.”
At that the tips of Ryland's ears redden and he mumbles, "Uhh, umm, define light cuddles, please."
"Well... my arm around you or your arm around me. Big spoon and little spoon type cuddles. We can take turns, I'm good with either.”
"...I begrudgingly admit I quite like cuddling. It just feels nice to be that close to another.”
“Yeah, I think so too, I can certainly see how it would be comfy.”
Ryland eyes you carefully as he runs a hand back through his messy dirty-blonde hair.
Sometimes he looks at you like this as if you're another equation on his white board that he really needs to figure out.
You hope he can.
“Are you sure about this? I feel like I'm asking too much.”
"I don't think it's too much at all, but we only do this if you're comfortable... I just thought it might help and I’d do anything to help you—I mean that's what's expected of us as crew,” you add quickly, telling your own feelings to hush.
This is purely about helping Ryland and the fact you may have a crush on the adorable scientist is completely irrelevant.
"Okay, I want to if you want to."
“I want to. It would probably be good for both of us honestly.”
“Right, human touch is essential for connection, happiness, and overall health. If you think about its only logical and as long as we have clear communication and can set boundaries it’s something that could prove legitimately beneficial on this journey through space and—”
“Grace.”
“Um, yeah?”
“You're making some good points, but maybe we should just go to sleep and talk more about it later. I'm actually pretty sleepy.”
“Ah,” Ryland says, giving a quick nod and readjusting his glasses, “that’s… smart, yeah. I am too.”
You nod and stand up, a yawn leaving your lips as you do.
Ryland watches you for a second before glancing back at the observation bay window.
For a second you wonder if he's changed his mind, but he gets up and inhales before brushing past and saying gently, “Let’s go.”
The few minutes it takes to get back to the dorm feel impossibly long. Neither of you speak, yet you’re sure Ryland is thinking the exact thing you are. What sharing the same bed will feel like, if it means something more, what it’ll be like to actually do it.
Once the two of you reach his dorm, Ryland stands to the side and awkwardly gestures for you to go in first before following.
You do so, a bit curious as if you have not actually been in his dorm before.
The layout is exactly the same as yours, but it's somewhat messy with papers and Ryland’s personal items strewn about. It’s pretty much what you expected from him and somehow that puts you at ease.
“‘Sorry, I wasn’t exactly expecting company,” he says sheepishly.
“No need, it’s not really that bad,” you say easily, plopping down on his bed. “The bed isn’t messy so we’re good.”
Ryland doesn’t really respond for a second, just kind of stands in his own room as if he is the guest.
"How do we...?" he asks, cleaning his throat.
Your answer is to simply scoot to the far end of the bed against the wall, laying down on your back and partially pulling the blanket over your body. There is a part of you that is nervous just like Ryland is, but you understand he needs you to lead right now.
Your crew mate watches your every move. Ryland’s eyes linger on the empty next to you and after a beat he says, “Fudge it,” before climbing onto the bed next to you.
Ryland puts his glasses on the table next to the bed and then lets his body drop next to yours, turned on his side.
It’s a tight squeeze especially with those damned broad shoulders of his, but after some adjusting the two of you make it work. You can see it’ll be easier if turned on your side, so you do so.
It's definitely not because this is your ideal cuddling position.
Oh no.
There’s still some tension in the air, so you find it a bit hard to even focus on trying to sleep.
Ryland is breathing steadily behind you and your extremely aware of the heat radiating off his body. So, it is hard to not snuggle your body up against his muscular form.
This isn’t about you. It's about his comfort.
"Hey, is this okay? I really hope you’ll be able to relax now,” you say, breaking the silence.
“This is more than okay, but honestly I-I think I could be more comfortable. Is it okay.. Do I have permission to hold you?”
His words catch you off guard, but you quickly nod, knowing you want that badly.
“Yes, you’re more than welcome to hold me… permission granted.”
It feels a bit silly to say that, but you think he needs to hear it to allow himself to touch you.
Ryland wraps a shaky arm around your waist, pulling you closer to his chest in the process. Your body goes completely still. Grace is cuddling you it's a bit surreal considering the two of you have barely touched before tonight. He is clearly nervous and you can feel him trembling, but you know how much it means to him. How much courage it took for him to do something on this level of intimacy.
It’s enough to make you forget to breathe, but you force yourself to relax. You’re just being cuddled by the sweetest guy in the galaxy. No biggie.
You focus on his scent, the way he smells like sandalwood and Vanillia. The way you feel so safe and special to be wrapped in his strong arms.
“Um, so is that better?”
Ryland exhales, his face completely calm as sleep ebbs at his consciousness. You can tell how relaxed he is and you internally squeal when his grip tightens on you and he makes himself snug against you.
This isn’t exactly light cuddling, but you are more than okay with that. Seems he is too.
“Much better… thank you, seriously.”
Whatever tension lurked in the air before is now completely gone, relaxed by how absolutely right this moment feels.
“Of course. I’m happy to help,” you murmur. “Do you think you’ll be able to sleep now or is the insomnia still getting you?”
…
….
…..
“Did you hear me, Grace?”
Your only answer is the soft sound of Ryland’s snores against the top of your head. The man must've been spent because you've never seen anyone fall asleep so fast.
You let out a breathless laugh, drowsiness already pulling you as long too as your eyes close. Ryland is so warm, you’re so cozy, and somehow you wonder how you ever slept a night on this ship without him like this.
Seems the new protocol is already working for both of you.
Maybe it'll eventually turn into something more, but either way you're perfectly happy to be sharing this simple moment with Ryland.