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It has been a long, stressful shift for Trinity Santos. By the time the day had ended, she had been hanging on by a thread. The only thing she wanted to to is go home and probably drink until she blacked out.
Realistically, she wasn’t a big drinker. But since she had started her residency at the PTMC, she began to find more solace in the bottle under the cupboard.
She imagined that Huckleberry had started to notice that the wine bottles have began to disappear faster, but she couldn’t care. One of the only peaks within her day, after hours of charting, would be cradling the bottle in her hand.
With her bag slugged over her shoulder, she headed over to her car, which was somehow parked at the opposite side of the door she had exited from.
She had began walking towards her car when she realised another car was parked in front of it. Trinity boiled with annoyance, and also a hint of tiredness within her. Why is someone parked, stilled, in front of her car? how the hell would she get out?
She headed towards the car parked in front of her from behind, wondering which— if any of her coworkers could possibly be stalled in front of her car.
As she approached the window, she can hear the faint sound of uncontrolled sobs throughout the window.
Before her mind can catch up, her eyes and body peers over to make herself visible to the person within the car.
Dr Al-Hashimi?
The crying woman startles at the sight of someone in front of her window, undoubtedly so. she rolls down the window and quickly sits up in the seat, scrambling to say something, something absolutely out of character for her.
“Crap..” she mutters quietly. “Am I in front of your car? i’m sorry— I’ll move now.” She shifts the gear into reverse and prepares to back up.
“Wait— no, Baran—“ She pauses, in a panic, she used her attending’s first name to try to appeal to her. she tries to collect herself, not wanting to step over any more boundaries than she already has.
Truthfully, Trinity was way too tired to operate sensibly. But the least she could do is probably calm her down, to make sure she stays safe on the roads, and what not. Definitely not because she had somehow grown fond of the attending within the few hours she has known her.
Even though she spent most of her day scolding her on her charting habits, she did it with a certain care and kindness that Dr. Robby had lacked.
That had nothing to do with this.
Nothing at all.
“Al-Hashimi, just—“ She sighs. “How about you park and we walk for a second?”
“No, I apologize Dr. Santos, i’ll be on my way now.” breaths, trying to collect her composure.
Trinity puts a hand on the rolled down window, trying to keep her here. “Seriously, take a walk with me. You need to calm down before you actually hit someone on your way home.”
That statement somehow causes more pain out of her Baran, receiving a soft, (arguably hot) whimper out of her mouth.
“Please?” Trinity tries to ignore the fatigue spreading through her bones the more she begs her attending to get out of the car.
Al-Hashimi sighs, the careful demeanour she had withstood the entire shift quickly crumbling in front of the two.
Trinity inhales a sharp breath when she drives past her but exhales in when she turns to park her car. She cuts the engine and takes a bit longer than Trinity is comfortable with before she opens the door.
Trinity smiles at her softly as she walks to her. She had not noticed the soft breeze until Baran had approached her, seemingly shivering.
“Cold?” She says awkwardly.
“I really don’t need to do this, i’m fine, really.” She ignores the question Trinity had asked, causing an awkward frown on her face.
“Just humor me.” She says, swinging her keys in her hands awkwardly. Baran wiped the tears off of her face with her whole hand, taping her other hand against her side as she tried to calm herself down.
The two walk in awkward silence in laps around the hospital until the approach a bench. By now, Baran’s tears have slowed. Trinity sits down, expecting Baran to follow her. Instead, she stills.
Trinity never pegged her as a nervous nail biter. But then again, this woman in front of her than she has barely known for a day is a shell of herself from an hour ago.
Baran paces. “I’m sorry, I really should—“
“You really should sit. Regulate your system.”
Baran lets out a soft, empty laugh.
”Look, i know we might’ve gotten off on the wrong foot, but i literally just found you crying in front of my car, and you’re still crying.”
“I’m your attending, I shouldn’t—“
“—Have feelings?”
“I shouldn’t be talking about this to you.”
“Do you have anyone else to talk before you go home?”
They both pause as Baran’s mind blanks. After a short minute, her pacing continues.
Trinity continues. “Can you sit down please? your pacing is only making yourself more stressed. and me, if i’m being honest..”
Cautiously, Baran sits down on the cold, metallic bench. a shiver noticeably runs through her body.
“Do you need to warm up?”
“I’ll be fine.” she says quietly,
“Alright. So, forget about the fact that you’re my attending right now. Tell me what’s up.”
“It’s not that simple, Trinity.”
The use of her first name nearly knocks the wind out of her. Sure, she did just tell her to forget about their power imbalance, but wasn’t exactly expecting her to follow through so quickly. Her eyes quickly darted up to look at the older woman’s face.
When she realised she didn’t look back up to her, she quickly recentred her eyes to stare out into the distance.
“Wh— Why do you say that?” She stammers, kicking herself at the execution.
“Please don’t get worried, Dr. Santos. There is only enough room for one of us to be scared.”
“I’m not—“ she laughs out, until she pauses abruptly, this time turning to face her with the intention to get her to look back.
“What are you scared of, Baran?”
Baran lets out a half-whimper mixed with pain and fatigue. she leans a shaking— still shivering hand onto the arm rest of the bench and a hand on her head.
Trinity leaned forward, trying to get a glimpse of her. Before her brain can process what she is doing, she gently reaches out to grab her hand.
instead of pulling away, Baran grips her hand tightly.
Oh.
Trinity’s mind goes blank surprisingly quickly, and unblanks just as fast when she realises that now is not the time to be having complicated feelings with a senior doctor— again.
She slips off the bench without a second thought and kneels in front of her without letting go of her hand.
“Ok, let’s calm down first..” She says with surprising calm. Trinity gently tugs her other arm and held them both in her hands, the extreme cold of her hands sends a short shiver down her spine.
They do some stereotypical breathing exercises that Trinity was convinced wouldn’t work. But to her surprise, it ended up calming the shaking in Baran’s hand.
Trinity has to physically restrain herself from saying something inappropriate as she strokes her knuckles with her thumb, as if to congratulate her for calming down. She smiles up to her.
“Great, good, good. Are you feeling better?”
“Yes, and i thank you for that, but this is really unprofessional and i—“
“shh..” she shushes her. “nothing about professionalism right now. I just want you to tell me what’s bothering you. Alright?”
Baran stutters out a lack of response, until Trinity strongly squeezes her hand.
“Alright?”
Baran nods slowly.
“Okay, great.” She smiles softly. “You really look cold. You're only wearing short sleeves.”
“It’s— i’m fine, really.” Baran assures.
Trinity stands to sit back on the bench, this time closer so that they’re touching. “Okay. So, what’s scaring you?”
she sighs, bringing her knees up to her chest and picking at her nails. “I— I need you to let me finish before you react.”
“Alright, i’ll do that.”
Baran nods and takes a deep breath. “When I was a child, I contracted viral meningitis. Over time, it developed into a seizure disorder. I’m epileptic.” She lets out a shaky breath before continuing. “It used to affect me very strongly. About a decade ago I underwent a laser ablation to my left temporal lobe. It cleared me to actually become a physician in the first place.”
She stops abruptly, fidgeting with her hands more so. Trinity breathes deeply to remind her to regulate her system as she waits for her to continue.
“It— limited the amount of seizures I would have. i’ve been seizure free for a year up until today. I had two seizures today.” She blurts out the last bit, scared that if she hesitates, she would never be able to get it out.
“I don’t understand.” Trinity begins. “I didn’t see you have any seizures today.”
“They’re called absence seizures. It just looks like i’m zoning out, but it’s a lapse in consciousness.”
“And you’ve had two day, for the first time in a year?”
Baran nods along, tears pooling in her eyes again, but she convinces herself to continue. “Sorry— um.. They’re usually more prone to occurring when i’m stressed. And obviously, today there was a lot of it.”
Trinity looks at her with a confusing expression. Her eyes convey a new found empathy without the common look of pity that typically follows it. It makes her feel better.
“I understand. It must be scary to have them after this long.”
“that wasn’t even why i’m pissed off.”
“What has you so pissed then?”
Baran takes a deep breath.
“Dr Robinavich found out and decided i am unfit to work.”
“What?”
“I told him that i have been cleared to work, and he still deems me unfit.”
“That’s bullshit! What the hell is his problem? if you’ve been cleared to wor—“
“Trinity.”
Baran winces at her passionate expression and a hand drifts to her own forehead. Trinity leans forward to see her face, and slowly, softly reaches for her free hand, holding it in her own.
“Sorry. Sorry.”
Baran nods. Trinity can tell that she is still shivering, which is most likely adding to her stress right now.
“That sounds like it fucking sucks. I just don’t understand why he’s purposely being an ass, he won’t even be here for the next three months.”
“I’m just.. i’m really scared— if i’m being honest.”
Trinity’s takes a deep breath. “Look— Dr. Al-Hashimi—“
“Baran”
If the wind wasn’t knocked out of her beforehand, it definitely was at this very moment. “Right, Baran, I haven't known you for more than a day. I know this is your first day here, too. You know that your first day, fuck, and this job in general, will cause stress for you. But from what I know about you, i don’t think that Dr. Robby is making the right choice, If you’ve been cleared to work, and he’s no longer working here, would it not be your choice to go back to work?”
“It’s not that simple—“
“Well, nothing is simple.”
“I suppose you’re correct, Trinity.”
“Well, i know I am.” she snarks back, pulsing her hand.
“Hey?” she continues when she realises Baran is still tense. “You ok?”
“I am now. I appreciate you helping me Trinity, but I really should ge going.” She lets there hands selerate and she stands up, straighting out her shirt and fixing her hair.
Trinity lets out a soft, almost unnoticeable frown. “You sure? you feel a little tense still.”
“I am an adult, Dr. Santos.”
right, so we’re back to a last name basis?
Trinity nods. “Of course, but you did say that when you’re stressed, the seizures come back. And I am a doctor.”
She chuckles quietly. “Okay, well, you can walk me back to my car if it’ll put your mind at ease.”
“And, are you finally ready to admit that it’s cold?”
Baran chuckles. “God, do not go into psych, Trinity.”
“Harsh. I personally think I am amazing when it comes to comforting others.” She says sarcastically, which earns another laugh out of the other girl.
—
The two women walked towards Baran’s car, which has been parked right next to Trinity’s.
Trinity leads Baran to the driver side of her car. “Here, i’ll give you my number, and i’ll do some research on absent seizures, you know, the signs before and after. So, if you ever need help, i’ll be there. I know it doesn’t mean a lot, especially in a room full of doctors, but I want to be able to help you.”
Baran smiles. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Trinity.”
Back to Trinity, again?
She nods, they exchange phone numbers, and Trinity walks over to her car.
And when she sits in the car, she waits until Baran pulls out and leaves before she lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. Sure, that wasn’t the best way she could’ve gone about that situation. But she went about it.
Suddenly, the fatigue restored in all of her limbs. The need to get drunk was stronger than ever now. She pulled out of the parking lot, and tried her best to convince herself the red pooling in her cheeks was a cause of fatigue.
Just fatigue.