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Lloyd barely noticed it anymore.
Sure, it was always there. Every time it happened, he knew subconsciously that it was.
But it wasn’t what it used to be. The sharp, bright feeling he’d once chased had dulled with time.
He used to be scared of it. When he was younger, there would be a sense of… shame, almost, or perhaps fear. There would always be that one nagging thought in the back of his mind.
Stop. It would say. At first, it worked.
But then everything else got louder. So much louder.
The voices, the sounds, the world, it was all too much. Way too much.
It kept him grounded. It cut through the incessant noise like a lifeline Lloyd was all too keen to hold on to.
Just once or twice. He’d told himself. Naively, he’d believed it. That once or twice was all he needed.
How foolish he’d been.
“Fuck.” Lloyd swore under his breath, hands shaking.
Still weak. Can’t even handle this, can you? No wonder you’re not enough for them.
“Shut up!” Lloyd said through gritted teeth. He fumbled with the few things he had lined up in front of his sink, mentally cataloging his options. He’d always liked options. Options meant control. He liked control.
Quickly, perhaps carelessly, he grabbed a small silver blade. It was a trivial thing, really. It was small, but as he’d learned over time, effective. He turned the piece of metal over in his hand. It had dulled over the years. Or, at least he assumed it had. Perhaps his tolerance had simply improved.
Quickly now. You wouldn’t want one of your precious children to see you like this, would you?
The blade met Lloyd’s skin immediately. It was almost instinctual, now.
The first gash felt like… nothing. Red pooled in the center of Lloyd’s vision, spilling onto the counter. But he felt nothing.
The second came with more potency. A light stinging sensation broke through the clamor. For a moment, it was quiet.
Look at you. Pitiful. Who knew the Green Ninja was so feeble? So… fragile.
The third was close. So close to what he wanted. For a moment, his skin burned with a beautiful clarity. Then, it grew muddled, the feeling disappearing into the back of Lloyd’s consciousness. More. That’s what he needed. More.
You promised him you would stop. You betrayed your word. You’re disgusting.
The fourth, the fifth, and the sixth all came with the same burning sensation. For a moment, Lloyd felt something. Was that what he’d been chasing all this time? Simply just… something?
Can’t even control your own mind. You’re miserable.
By the seventh, he’d lost track of how long or how many. He just needed more. He needed to drown out the noise. He needed to escape from the constant tumult rolling within his mind. He needed it.
He needed relief.
A voice — a real one this time — cut through Lloyd’s spiral.
“Lloyd?” Someone – Arin – called from outside his room. “Zane said to tell you dinner was ready.”
Lloyd inhaled sharply, not trusting his own voice to remain even. But he had to respond. “Tell Zane I’ll be over in a moment!” He called back, keeping his voice steady. He quickly scanned his surroundings. Red coated the edge of his sink, some staining the countertop and the floor below.
Blood. He thought. It wasn’t a realization but an understanding.
He heard Arin walking away, so his response must’ve at least been satisfactory. He breathed a sigh of relief. He didn’t want the kid seeing him in this… state.
He cleaned with a certain practiced efficiency that only came from years of repetition. He cleared the blades first, tucking them carefully into a small drawer hidden under his sink. Then he quickly wiped the blood off the counter, utilizing a box of paper towels with surprising efficiency. Finally, he dabbed the spots of red off his forearms, wincing slightly at the stinging sensation that came with. He really shouldn’t have. He was used to it by now. Pain was something he could handle. The feeling held some sort of twisted familiarity. It was predictable. Normal, even.
Lloyd exited the bathroom and pulled a loose green hoodie over his head, careful to pull his sleeves long enough to cover his arms.
Well, well, well. Looks like you’ve messed up again. Typical of you.
Lloyd’s gaze hardened as he fitfully attempted to ignore the voice. But he couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough. He was never strong enough.
“Lloyd?” Another voice – Kai’s, he realized, – called. “Are you good?”
“Yeah!” Lloyd called back, grimacing slightly. “I’m alright.”
“Do you want me to come inside?”
“No!” Lloyd exclaimed far too quickly. “No, I’m fine.”
Kai didn’t respond for a moment. Then, “Alright, if you say so.”
Lloyd waited for a few moments, listening to the sound of Kai’s footsteps grow softer and softer, and then he left his room.
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“Hey Lloyd!” Cole called the moment Lloyd entered the room. Lloyd offered him a weak smile and a small wave. “Kai thinks he’s better at video games than me. I need you to tell him that he’s completely wrong.”
Kai gasped dramatically. “My brother would never do such a thing!”
“Oh yeah?” Cole grinned. “Wanna bet?”
“No one is making any more bets.” Nya rolled her eyes, sounding incredibly annoyed.
Zane walked into the room, a giant pot of stew in his arms. “Statistically, Cole has a 54.6% chance of winning this bet.”
“Yes!” Kai exclaimed. “That’s barely more than a coin flip.”
“That’s still more than your chances, idiot.”
“Oh really? How do you even know?”
Cole groaned. “Basic fucking subtraction?”
“Language!” Zane cut in, frowning. Cole and Kai seemingly ignored him.
“You know I dropped out of school!” Kai said, aghast.
“Before you learned subtraction?” Wyldfyre, who was sitting further down the table beside Arin and Sora, quipped cheekily.
Kai’s eyes narrowed. “Shut up. Like you're any better at math!”
Wyldfyre opened her mouth to say something before Nya spoke up.
“Guys, shut up and eat already.” Nya cut in, a spoonful of stew already halfway to her mouth.
Zane nodded solemnly, taking a seat beside Nya. “I concur.”
The ninja went on bickering, with Kai and Cole occasionally shooting each other glares that somehow held all the resolve in the world without wandering into malice.
Lloyd simply listened. Or at least, he pretended too. His mind was whirling, his thoughts running at an impossible pace.
They hate you. You don’t listen. You don’t care.
Lloyd felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Lloyd?” Nya said gently. “Are you okay?”
“Oh… uh…” Lloyd stumbled over his words. “Yeah! I’m good. Don’t worry about me. I’m just… tired!” Nya raised an eyebrow but didn’t push further.
And now you’re lying too. What a terrible friend, let alone leader.
“Shut up.” Lloyd muttered.
I’m part of you. I’ll always be part of you. You can’t wish me away!
He cursed under his breath. No one seemed to notice. He willed the voice to go away, praying that it would just mute itself for even a few minutes, but it droned on.
You’re way too much. You failed all of them. Arin, Sora, Wyldfyre — they relied on you. They shouldn’t have.
Lloyd fought back a sob, his chest tightening.
You’ll never live up to Master Wu. Or even Cole! They were both much better leaders than you.
Lloyd felt hot tears streak his cheeks. Voices, real or not, rose around him.
“Um… Lloyd?” Someone said, sounding confused. He shook his head aggressively.
He felt an arm around his back. Then, he felt the weight of someone’s body pressing against his. A hug, he realized. He pushed the person away.
Yes. No one can get too close to you. You’re dangerous.
“Get away from me!” Lloyd shouted, his voice trembling. “Get away! All of you!”
And now you’re hurting them. How predictable.
Lloyd vaguely heard the sound of footsteps shuffling around him. Zane was ushering the kids out of the room. It was for the best. They deserved to be protected from this. From him.
“Lloyd?” Someone asked tentatively.
Lloyd looked up slowly. Nya and Kai were standing over him, their eyes brimming with concern.
Lloyd looked down at his hands. They were still shaking. His entire body was shaking, actually.
Run. The word kept repeating over and over in his mind. Flee.
So he did.
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“Lloyd?” Kai’s voice said softly. He waited for a moment, but heard no response. “Lloyd?” Kai asked again, louder this time. When Lloyd still didn’t respond, Kai huffed a sigh. “I don’t want to barge in, but I’ll do it if you don’t open the damn door.” Silence.
Kai opened the door carefully. Lloyd’s room was clean. It was tidy in a perfectly organized way. That was the first sign, for Kai. Lloyd wasn’t by any means a messy person, but he wasn’t one to toil away cleaning his room all day. That was unless something was really bothering him.
His gaze flitted to the bed. Lloyd was curled up at its center, his legs tucked under his chin. His face was covered by his green hoodie, and he was sniffling softly.
“Oh, Lloyd…” He murmured, climbing to sit on the corner of Lloyd’s mattress. Lloyd let out a small sob. The two sat in silence for a moment. Finally, he asked, “What’s wrong?”
Lloyd shook his head violently. “N-nothing.” He murmured, his tone uneven.
Kai frowned. “Lloyd…” He said slowly. “You promised.” Lloyd shook his head again, and Kai caught sight of the younger man’s tear streaked face. “You promised.” Kai whispered again. He reached out and pulled Lloyd into a warm embrace. The younger practically melted into his touch, immediately burying his face into Kai’s chest. Kai simply held on tighter, running his fingers through Lloyd’s messy blonde hair.
For a moment, neither of them spoke. And then,
“It’s so loud.” Lloyd’s voice was trembling. “S-so… so loud.”
Kai pulled the younger ninja in tighter. “I know. It’s okay.”
“Too loud.” Lloyd muttered between sobs. “Please… please make it stop.”
“I can’t.”
Lloyd’s entire body shook. “Please!”
“I… I can’t. I’m sorry Lloyd. Please just… tell me what’s happening.”
Lloyd turned away again, though this time Kai got the distinct feeling that it was due to shame, rather than whatever it had been before.
“I-I…” Lloyd sputtered, his pupils dilating ever so slightly. “Please…” His voice had grown smaller. “The voice…”
“What voice?” Kai asked tentatively, a million worried thoughts flashing through his mind. Lloyd shook his head again. “What voice, Lloyd?”
“It.” Lloyd gasped, tears shimmering at the corners of his emerald green eyes. “Please Kai… please…”
Kai hugged the boy together. “You’re safe.”
And then the room was silent.
Lloyd finally looked up, his eyes meeting Kai’s. “I messed up.”
“What?”
“I-” Lloyd blinked furiously. “I broke a promise.”
“What? What promise?”
Lloyd wiped his face furiously. “I… did it. Again.”
Oh. Oh. Kai could only think of one promise that Lloyd could be referring to. And… he really hoped he was wrong. “Can you… roll up your sleeves for me, Lloyd?” Lloyd shook his head, curling his body protectively around his arms. “Lloyd? Please?”
“N-no.”
“Lloyd, you promised.”
“No!” The boy said again, louder this time.
“Lloyd…”
“I-I… no!”
Kai looked at him earnestly. “Please?”
Lloyd looked conflicted for a moment. But then, seemingly, something clicked. He let out a small sigh and gingerly raised a hand to pull the sleeves of his green hoodie up to his forearms.
Kai’s breath caught.
Littered across Lloyd’s – his little brother’s – arms were cuts. Dozens of cuts varying in length, depth, and coloration. Kai had seen this before. Of course he had. But there were many, so many, that had obviously come after.
“Oh, Lloyd…” Kai reached an arm forward. Lloyd recoiled in a way that could only be described as instinctive. “Please let me look.” Lloyd hesitated for a moment before leaning closer, holding his arm out for Kai to inspect.
Kai carefully ran a finger over Lloyd’s arm, making sure not to put too much pressure on newer looking cuts. They looked fresh. Very fresh.
“Stop looking at me like that.” Lloyd muttered after a moment.
“What?”
“Like I’m someone in need of pity. I don’t want it.” There was a bitter tinge to Lloyd’s normally mellow tone. “I don’t deserve it.” He added, quieter than before.
Kai paused before asking, “Why wouldn’t you deserve it?”
Lloyd swallowed. “I have to be strong. But I’m not. I-” He sucked in a shaky breath. “I’m not strong enough.”
Kai, somehow, tightened his grip on Lloyd more. “No one can be strong all the time. We all have our moments of weakness.”
“I need to be strong, though. For you, for Nya, for Zane, Cole, Arin, Sora, Wyldfyre…” Lloyd paused. “And for Master Wu.”
He sighed. “Lloyd, you don’t need to be Master Wu.” Lloyd looked unconvinced. Kai continued on regardless. “You can just be Lloyd. That’s more than enough.”
Lloyd nodded slightly.
“We care about you.” Kai added quietly. “We all do. We can’t bear to see you like this.” Lloyd’s gaze softened. “Nya’s worried about you. Cole too. Zane’s confused, but he’s handling things. The kids…” He lowered his voice. “They don’t know what’s happening. Wyldfyre was basically ready to stage a coup to help you. Arin and Sora are… concerned.” He noticed Lloyd wince slightly. “I am too.”
“I’m sorry.” Lloyd murmured after a moment.
Kai shook his head. “Don’t be. Just…” He paused, searching for the correct turn of phrase. “Please, tell me. You can’t be doing this, Lloyd. If you ever think about it… about doing it again, tell me. Promise me that.”
Lloyd’s gaze drifted to the floor. “I… I don’t know if I can.” There was a raw honesty in Lloyd’s voice that made Kai’s heart ache. “I promised before. But did I do it?” Lloyd let out a dry laugh.
But he was right. He hadn’t told him.
“I feel so… disgusting.” Lloyd admitted sharply. “Like I can’t control myself. But–” His words dissolved into sobs.
“You’re trying.” Kai whispered as the younger boy cried in his outstretched arms. “That’s what matters. I’ll check in with you every day if I have to. I’ll hang around your room. I’ll make sure you–” Kai paused. “Hold on. When was the last time you ate something?”
Lloyd’s face contorted. “Uh… I don’t know.” He confessed.
“Lloyd, you can’t… you can’t keep doing this. You’re going to seriously hurt yourself. Or worse…” He trailed off.
A guilty look passed over Lloyd’s face. “I know.” He murmured quietly.
“Then please, try? If not for yourself… do it for me.” Kai pleaded. “I’ll be here for you. All of us will be here for you. It’s okay for you to need help. Just… please ask for it?”
Lloyd was quiet for a minute. He looked as if he was fighting a losing battle with his own mind. And then, finally, he uttered the word. They were so quiet that for a moment, Kai thought he’d imagined them. “Okay.”
Kai pressed his forehead against Lloyd’s, relief filling him. “I love you.” He murmured, hoping beyond hope that Lloyd could sense just how sincere he was being. “We all do.”
Lloyd didn’t respond to that. He didn’t have to. The two just sat in silence for a moment, Lloyd still wrapped in Kai’s embrace, both of them understanding that the road ahead wouldn’t be easy. But, perhaps naively, Kai had the distinct feeling that it would be alright.