Archive of Our Own

Kaguya is who I used to be.

Eight millennia ago.

How I laughed without a care in the world. How I strove to make everyone’s day just a little bit happier. How I let the joys and whimsies of everyday life brighten up my eyes. How I dove into whatever goal I wished to pursue, without a second thought.

The exuberance of youth. The ability to take on any situation life throws at you, to wholeheartedly believe that everything is going to be okay. Enjoying the company of those you love, with no reservations, no worries, no fear.

Yachiyo is who I used to be.

Ten years ago.

When you experience death upon death upon death, it changes you. It quiets you. It lets you more acutely appreciate the little things in life, but it also leaves you fearful. Afraid that everything you have could be taken away at any moment.

A version of me that was hurt again and again and again, who had been deprived of her greatest love for a length of time inconceivable to any other being. Who was left lost, and alone, and confused, and had to, very painfully, figure it all out on her own.

Kaguya is how I wish to smile. Yachiyo is how I’ve been conditioned to smile.

Kaguya is how much Iroha believes I deserve to smile.

Yachiyo is how much I believe I deserve to smile.

It’s nice that they get to coexist, in a sense.

In the real world, I get to simply be Kaguya. But it’s not quite so simple, is it? Yes, I get to cook and stream and sing and love Iroha to my heart’s content. I get to laugh and play and frolic and experience the wonders of the world, whether mundane or extravagant. But there’s stress, too. I only lived a couple of months, originally. I was brand new to planet Earth, and I didn’t know of all the hardships Iroha had gone through, all of the little trials and tribulations that you face every day, all of the big challenges that you’re given by society, that you have no choice but to grit your teeth and power through. Of course, I tried my best to help; learning what it means to have and earn money made me feel guilty for so carelessly spending Iroha’s, so I worked my ass off to pay it all back. Doing so with such a short amount of time is still one of the things I’m proudest of.

But it’s not all sunshine and rainbows, even for little ol’ Kaguya. Technical difficulties in my robotic body. Taking care of Iroha when she falls ill. Little arguments and quibbles. Accidents and mistakes. The ups and downs of mental health. It can really wear on you, and it would be wrong of me to pretend that the Kaguya that got to experience the highs of life all those years ago, would be perfectly maintained even through the lows that inevitably come at you when you live for long enough.

Sometimes, Iroha hates it when I get down. She rues the thousands of years we were separated from my perspective and the way it wore down my personality. I can’t deny that it did that, either. She mourns my lost innocence. She cries and feels guilt, no matter how hard I try to persuade her that she’s done nothing wrong.

Sometimes, Iroha has a different perspective. “It feels more real,” she admitted to me once. “When someone perpetually has the same personality, 24/7, I get the feeling that they’re hiding or faking something. This way, I feel more reassured that you’re not bottling up your emotions.” That’s something I learned long ago to try to never do, both in my years with human society throughout the ages… and from watching Iroha make those exact same mistakes. I’d still claim that I’m better than her at it, considering how low of a position she started from in this respect, but she’s definitely improved.

But either way… the Kaguya I was has flashes and moments here and there, but as a whole, as much as I try, she’s never coming back.

Similarly, the Yachiyo I was, even though it was so much more recent… isn’t fully coming back, either. The Yachiyo who was a bundle of stress, carefully masked under calmness and competence. The Yachiyo who was perpetually fearful that Iroha would eventually find out what was wrong with me. The Yachiyo who hadn’t yet achieved her happy ending.

In Tsukuyomi, I get to be Yachiyo, in full. Of course, the magic powers I have by virtue of being the (or is it “a”?) moon princess allow me to make cosmetic modifications to the body Iroha gave me, when my soul is inhabiting it… somehow. But it’s not the same, unlike the full kimono garb I have access to in the virtual world. It’s not the same when I can’t fly or duplicate myself, either.

In Tsukuyomi, I get to have adventures with Iroha and her friends. Of course, we have wonderful adventures in the real world, but it’s certainly way easier to try swordfighting in KASSEN, compared to an actual dojo! Being able to connect with almost anyone, almost anywhere, brings its own form of magic.

And yes, being the administrator still does come with its own special perks. Hehe!

So that’s life for me, at least for now. I’m content as my more upbeat and excitable self in the real world, and as my wiser, more enigmatic persona in Tsukuyomi. Iroha loves both sides of me for what they are, which is the most important thing. Beyond that, they’re eras of my life that I would never, ever wish to let go, and they were a vital part of shaping me into what I am today, to the point where they’re still able to be distinct “parts” of my whole.

But what is that whole? Who am I, today?

Sometimes I lie in bed and wonder that, myself. The dark side to having fun splitting yourself into multiple beings at once, with their own distinct personalities, is that it really harms your sense of self.

Sometimes, I feel like Iroha wants Kaguya more.

Other times, it feels like Iroha wants Yachiyo more.

But who am I? Am I Kaguya? Am I Yachiyo?

Is this the sort of question that can even have an inevitable correct answer, or am I doomed to stress about this for the rest of my days?

With problems like this, it’s no wonder that I find it so easy to cry.

---

Having a girlfriend who both masquerades as, and simultaneously genuinely is, two girlfriends, is an experience I believe nobody else on this planet can say they have.

By day, I get to have the love of my life by my side. Kaguya’s there when I wake up. We spend time in the kitchen together, then we share breakfast. She can never get enough of pancakes, and she’s the cutest thing in the world when I get to put a forkful in her mouth. No, she never does that to me and it’s definitely not super embarrassing, why would you ask??

Sometimes, she comes along with me to work. Usually, it’s because that work will involve her, on that day. Developing additional models is a tough task, even when you’ve got a successful first go to base them off of, because the amount of orders that will come in is only going to increase exponentially. So, I’ve got to build that into every decision I make. I don’t plan to run this lab forever, now that my happy ending’s been achieved, so I’d like to set my successor up for success. That involves running many tests on Kaguya, doing my best to improve both her hardware and her software, so that the lessons we learn now can be applied in the future to both her and her successors.

Other days, she greets me at the door with a bonecrushing hug when I come home.

By night, I get to experience my wildest dreams. My precious Kaguya is also my favourite idol Yachiyo, who happens to be the creator and administrator of my all-time favourite video game! The sprawling options of Tsukuyomi give everyone ample opportunity to build, play, fight, and express themselves in whichever way they see fit. And for me… to be honest, that comes in the form of writing and performing music. Putting it on display for everyone to enjoy. Seeing everyone’s smiling faces when I put my heart and soul into every performance, something I struggle to express in daily conversation.

Her ability to duplicate herself really comes in handy, when I get to snuggle up on the couch with both Kaguya and Yachiyo. Truly, it is the greatest thing any human being has ever had the pleasure of experiencing. Not that I’ll ever admit it out loud!

Of course, not everything’s perfect, even in the happiest of endings. The internet does what the internet does. I’m lucky that, even though Kaguya’s machinations have made me perhaps a bit more famous than I would like, with a username that doesn’t exactly hide my real name and an avatar that has significant similarities to my real-life appearance… I don’t actually get recognized in public very often. Pretty rarely, actually. But the once-in-a-blue-moon negative interaction, and the periodic mean social media comment, aren’t the easiest thing in the world for someone with perhaps a bit too little self-esteem. (At least I can recognize it now!)

I wasn’t built for anything close to a celebrity lifestyle. I can admit that. It might be unhealthy, but the solitary lab, choosing when I interact with others and for what purposes, was what I was built for. (I’m quite grateful that Yachiyo’s predicament allowed me to discover this about myself.) But Yachiyo thrives in it. She’s untouchable, and she knows it. Any negative talk just bounces off her proverbial armour; haters? She doesn’t care! And anyone who goes after me, well… I’ve seen her wrath. It’s quite a shock, seeing such a serene and kind woman wield the banhammer without a second thought, with manic glee in her eyes.

Kaguya is my number one fan, my greatest supporter, the one I can rely on to be there for me beyond all else. When I’m going through tough times at work, she’s the one that treats me to a wonderful dinner. When the AC blows a casket or the faucet makes a bid for freedom, she’s the one that listens to me vent. Even when we argue, both of us know deep down that we can’t last without the other, and I can’t ask for a better partner to let me cry in her lap.

Sometimes, I wonder if our relationship truly is as equal as I hope it is. With all that she gives me, every spark of joy, every tender moment… how on Earth is it possible that I could ever return the favour? I know they say (and she says, too) not to think that way, but I can’t help it! It feels like a debt I could never repay, no matter how hard I try. She waited for millennia, I only waited for a decade. It’s impossible for me to measure up.

Other times, when I’m feeling down, I’m in disbelief that someone as wonderful as her could have waited for eight thousand years, just to be with me again. Me? This irritable, selfish, completely unfunny woman who spends half her time berating her girlfriend for doing something stupid? There’s no way I could deserve her… right?

But every time, she says something like “Silly Iroha, you’re perfect for me! I could never have chosen anyone else!” and I fall in love all over again.

You know, I sometimes notice that the name I use for her isn’t all that consistent. Sometimes, it’s Kaguya. Sometimes, it’s Yachiyo. She seems to compartmentalize herself to some degree, having a very clear dividing line in the form of her body in the real world and her default avatar in Tsukuyomi. But they’re one and the same, no matter how different she tries to act; an uncharacteristic giggle in white hair and a kimono, a subdued sigh in blonde hair and a t-shirt.

I can tell that, even though she insists so often (to varying degrees of success) that I need to stop bottling up my emotions… she’s not perfect with it, either. It’s up to me to help her along that path, just as she helps me, and I’m committed to doing so for as long as it takes, no matter how many decades we get together.

…

Plus, I’m still not sure if she’s realized the innuendo in our handshake yet, and it’ll be really funny if/when she does. So I suppose I’ll have to stick around until then.

---

“Iroha, have you ever thought about going on vacation?”

“...Why do you ask?”

“Oh, just… something they always say nowadays is that you have to spend some time disconnected from the internet, for the sake of your mental health. But you never do that, do you?”

“When I’m at work, I-”

“Interact with digital stuff a lot, right? And send emails and take calls and all that… and then you spend so many nights online, even your hobby ends up being shared online…”

“...Okay, that’s true, but I do go out sometimes. You would know, because you’ve taken me out yourself!”

“But every time, once it’s over it’s right back to the internet for you.”

“Aren’t you even worse?”

“...”

“Exactly.”

“But doesn’t that mean we both need a break?!”

“You know I can’t spend that much time away from the lab.”

“Oh, come on! Every sane workplace nowadays gives their employees vacation time! Aren’t you your own boss?”

“I… I suppose that’s true…”

“I haven’t decided where to go yet, but I’m sure we can find somewhere you’ll enjoy!”

“I…”

“Don’t you want to take a break? I know I’ll still be connected to Tsukuyomi and all that, but it’ll be fun just living in the moment for a week!”

“Wait, now that I think about it, did you ever travel outside of Japan while you-”

“Hey, you’re avoiding the question!”

“Ugh… fine…”

“HOORAY!!”

“...Alright, but we’ll need to plan it out properly. Which you haven’t done at all, have you?”

“Uh… hehe…”