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Sleep lingered just beyond Ezra’s reach, the dark room around him seemed to taunt him as he lay in his bunk, listening to Zeb’s snoring.
His mind echoed with memories, ones that he had tried so many times to bury: Kanan fighting the Grand Inquisitor. Kanan right after Maul blinded him. Kanan holding back the explosion for them to escape.
His master had always protected him. But Ezra hadn’t realized it until it was too late. It wasn’t until Kanan died that he realized that he wanted nothing more than to tell the man what he meant to him.
Father. The word left a bitter taste in his mouth, his real dad was dead, and now his pseudo father was as well.
Why did the galaxy hate him? The unfairness of it made hot tears burn in his eyes. If he was around the others he wouldn’t let it make him cry, but here he was alone. So he let the tears slip down his face unhindered.
Here the world was far away, and with it his masks were lifted. He no longer tried to ignore the pain eating away at him. The fear was free to swallow him whole.
He wouldn’t stop it. Kanan would tell him that fear is a path to the dark side but he still wouldn’t stop it. Kanan was gone now, and the memory was nothing more than a ghost haunting him.
There was nothing more he could do. When he shut his eyes he saw the fire engulfing his master, and when he opened them he saw the darkness.
This was life. To face reality while awake, and to flee from it in sleep.
Nothing more waited for him. So he shut his eyes, and let it come. The flashbacks wreaking havoc on his mind as he lay still and helpless.
-Kanan stood tall between them and the explosion. The very picture of resolute determination as he held one hand out towards the flames and the other pushing Hera back to the ship.
Ezra didn’t move- why didn’t he move? Kanan looked at them, milky eyes suddenly clearing up. Ezra wondered for the barest instant if his master was seeing them.
Then Kanan spun around to face them completely and shoved their ship away. Leaving himself to face the fire alone.
They could only watch in stunned horror as the explosion erupted fully, swallowing Kanan and lighting up the night sky-
Ezra opened his eyes. There was no sweat on his brow, no scream, the rest of the crew was hurting just as much as he was- if not more. He couldn’t stand them trying to comfort him when they themselves were in need of comfort. He didn’t want to be selfish.
So he lay alone, staring into the darkness. The tears didn’t stop, and neither did the pain.
A long moment passed, silent and still… then he felt a shift in the force.
Something he had never felt before. The force was flowing around him, and when he reached for it he could feel it humming- almost like a lullaby, sending him off to sleep.
The fear in him subsided, chased away by the warmth. And suddenly peace filled him, gently reminding him of how it felt when Kanan was protecting him. It felt safe, and reassuring.
His strained face relaxed and his eyes started blinking sluggishly. He resisted at first, pushing away from oblivion. But the nothingness called him and he could do nothing more than surrender to it.
No images attacked him this time, it was quiet and peaceful, like an embrace pulling him close and soothing his fears.
A tiny sigh escaped him as he let go, leaving the world behind him as he drifted off to sleep.
—~—~—~—
He could do nothing but watch. The boy was falling apart at the seams, and yet he refused to ask for help.
And Kanan Jarrus was no longer able to intervene. He knew that eventually Hera would confront the boy, but his love was still in great pain too- though that would fade with time, especially when she realized what she carried within her.
The force around him warmed with the flicker of happiness from him. But it was discolored with the conflicting emotions of the boy before him.
He knew that Ezra blamed himself- the boy always did. It wasn't fair that he was unable to help as his student- his son drowned in guilt.
It had been much the same when his own master died, leaving him to survive in the wake of Order 66. He too had been haunted by memories, and he didn’t want that for Ezra. But there was nothing he could do.
He had already paid the ultimate price to protect his family. When he laid down his life he knew that he was leaving them to fend for themselves from then on.
But still, there had to be something he could do…
A thought occurred to him, it was vague and fragmented like everything was now that he was one with the force, but he ignored the cacophony as he inched closer to Ezra.
The boy’s eyes opened, and for a second Kanan stopped, but he remembered that he was not visible and he continued. For a long while Ezra stared off into space, eyes painfully dull, full of exhaustion and sorrow.
And then Kanan couldn’t resist it any longer. His force arms wrapped around his son, hugging him close.
“Ezra,” He whispered, “You’re okay, don’t be afraid.”
The force hummed with him and he could sense the boy relax.
“You are strong Ezra. I know the things that frighten you, but you can overcome them.” His voice didn’t reach the boy’s ears, but it was okay, “I’ll protect you, and somehow I will always be with you.”
He hoped that in some way his son was able to hear him, if not with his ears, then perhaps with his heart.
“Now sleep Ezra.” He drew on the force around him, flooding peace toward the boy.
Ezra resisted it at first and Kanan smiled softly, the young Jedi was still just as stubborn. But in a moment his son visibly relaxed, and with a sigh gave in to sleep.
Kanan drew back, looking at Ezra for a while. The boy had certainly become a great warrior. He carried on the legacy well, and Kanan knew that someday Ezra would be a wonderful big brother.
The thought again put a smile on his face and he pulled away from reality. It took a great deal of effort to see the real world like this, and he couldn’t keep it up for too long.
He hoped that Ezra would make his own way and live his life to the fullest. And someday when he was ready to leave that galaxy behind Kanan would be there to guide him.