Chapter Text
Ash sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, his head aching. He watched Katie run out of his office with the excitement of a three year old who was told they’ll get candy. She begged him for a job, so he gave her one - to count how many steps it would take for one person to go from the Regime to the North. War preparations he called it. They were not planning a war, but he needed to get Katie out of there or he'd go insane.
He picked up a remote and turned on the TV that was mounted on the white walls of his office. Daylight was streaming in and lightning up the room, the white marble almost glimmering in the light. He rolled his eyes when the news station - QNews - came into his sight, but just as he was about to switch the station, he read the headline: “POLISH CAVE AND THE NORTH? ALLIANCE THROUGH MARRIAGE?”. His curiosity has peaked now.
Ash groaned when the image of Katie popped up on the screen. She was sitting in a pink chair, in a pink room and in a pink suit. There was a TV screen behind her, showing the headline and a video of Katie sipping on tea. How many fucking jobs did this girl have?
“Hello, hello, helloooo, my favorite viewers. KatieB here, to inform you of the latest, hot goss on the island. As you know, the North has been trying to strengthen its position through alliances. And how can you get alliances quickly? Marriage of course.” Katie smirked and waved her ring finger towards the camera, making Ash roll his eyes. “Our secret informant tells us, there might be a new royal wedding on the horizon.” The image behind Katie switched to Nexe for a second before it flickered back to the previous one. Of course Nexe would be the informant - Ash thought to himself.
“The beloved firstborn son, Prince Roier, is rumored to be marrying the one and only, MY BESTIEEE, Ewron!” Katie announced, bouncing with excitement in her chair. The image behind Katie changed again, this time to an edited photo of Ewron in a white wedding dress with Roier standing next to him in a suit.
Ash’s hand tightened around the remote, the device almost breaking from the force. What. The. Fuck. “I must say, I’m excited you guys. Another event where I can dress up and bring you back hot gossip.”
He couldn’t hear any more. He turned the TV off and got up, pacing the room. He looked out of one window, then another, and stopped when he had no more windows to look from. Ewron. The man who had promised to be Ash’s Blade. Marrying fucking Roier? He couldn’t believe it. Surely Katie’s words were just lies. Surely Ewron would never agree to that.
With an annoyed grunt, Ash stepped out of his office. He began walking, his feet carrying him through a path of dead grass, towards the Polish cave. He didn’t even stop to say hello to Tubbo. He was too… agitated.
When he reached the skull-looking cave, through the huge windows he noticed Graf, Ewron and Nexe standing inside. Ewron’s voice could be heard clearly from the outside, thanks to how loud it always was. Ash’s eyes focused on the man, studying the white robes Ewron would always wear, the hood that hid his reddish-brown hair. His back was turned towards Ash, and Ash could see how animated his movements were as he gestured.
“What the fuck do you mean I have to marry Roier?! You marry Roier!” Ewron screamed and pointed a finger at Graf, whose calm response did not reach Ash’s ears. “No. I won’t do it. It’s bullshit. I don’t care if I used to be a lord, or whatever. Marry Nexe off to someone from the North.” Ash couldn’t help but roll his eyes at Ewron’s loud words. This was not helping Ash’s headache.
He stepped into the cave and cleared his throat, holding back a smirk when he saw Ewron’s shoulders tense just at Ash’s mere presence.
“Hello, Ash.” Graf said, a polite smile on his face. Ash had to fight to keep his expression neutral - he disliked Graf. He was never trustworthy.
“Graf. Nexe. Hello.” Ash regarded them with a nod before his eyes fell on Ewron. “I was on a nice walk, but when I passed your cave I couldn’t help but overhear someone… Loudly expressing their emotions.”
Ewron huffed and rolled his eyes, his arms crossed over his chest, not bothering to look at Ash.
“Oh, we were just telling Ewron about the deal we struck with the North. Ewron will marry Roier and become his consort.” Graf explained, his eyes flickering between blue and gold for a second, but it was enough for Ash to catch it. What the fuck was wrong with them all in this cave?
Ash feigned surprise. His eyebrows shot up and he gasped, as if it was the first time he’d heard that information. “Oh, wow.” He said. He stayed quiet for a moment, before his voice echoed through the cave once again. “What if… The Regime was also interested in a marriage alliance?”
“Well, I am sure we could work something out. Nexe and I are available…” Graf’s sentece was cut off by Nexe, who only said “Fuck no.” And left the cave. Ash couldn’t help but laugh.
“No. If we strike a deal, you can’t marry anyone off to the North.” Ash shook his head as he shot a sidelong glance at Ewron, who was still pouting off to the side. “I would marry Ewron and in exchange the Regime and the Polish Cave would enter an alliance.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you guys? Do I look like some sort of cow that can be sold for benefits? I am not marrying anyone!” Ewron’s voice grew even louder as he grabbed a few supplies and left the cave with a slam of the door.
“Sorry for him. He’s dramatic” Graf murmured, rolling his eyes at Ewron’s antics. “Well… Since he is so unwilling to marry either of you, I propose a little… contest. Of course, only if Roier agrees to it as well. You two will court Ewron for a month, and Ewron will be able to choose who he wants to marry at the end.”
“Hmm..” Ash let himself think for a moment. It could be a good idea. Piss off the North by the contest, win, get the Regime allied to the Polish cave and marry Ewron. “Fine. I agree.” He said, nodding as he looked around the cave.
“Great. We’ll work out the details if Roier agrees.” Graf said, his head nodding. He bid goodbye to Ash and busied himself with working on the cave as Ash left.
Ash breathed in the crisp air and began walking back to the Regime. Once he got there, he was met with Haiper and Tubbo, waiting for him in front of the Regime’s Pantheon.
“Where were you?” Haiper asked, his friend’s face showing clear worry. His white fox ears were laid flat against his head and his tail was swishing in worry. Tubbo also looked worried, fumbling with a mechanism with his hands. They both knew Ash rarely left the Regime these days and most of the time it meant trouble.
“I went to the Polish Cave.” Ash said simply, his feet carrying him past Haiper and Tubbo, the two Regime members shared a worried look before they followed Ash into the Pantheon.
“I thought we all agreed not to go there.” Haiper said, his hands clenched at his sides. The white-fox hybrid was clearly getting more and more annoyed by Ash’s dismissive behavior. “If we want the Regime to succeed, we need to be truthful with each other, you’ve said it yourself, Ash. So can you explain to us exactly just what you were doing there?”
Ash sighed as he took a seat in his chair, he watched in silence as Tubbo and Haiper took their seats.
“Aww, come on, Haiper, the Polish guys are so nice. I also go there sometimes to chat with Graf.” Tubbo murmured, trying to keep his voice light and cheery, but it was clear he did not enjoy it when his two friends were at odds with each other. Ash noticed Haiper’s frame visibly relaxed at the mention of Graf, but did not mention it.
“If you really want to know why I went there, fine. I saw on the news that the North had been making some moves to secure an alliance with the Polish, and allowing them to just do that without a fight would mean the Regime would be at a disadvantage.” Ash said, one leg crossed over the other as he leaned back in his chair, his fingers tapping on the armrest.
“And how exactly does the North want to secure an alliance with the Poles?” Tubbo asked, the same mechanism he’d been playing with whirring to life with a quiet hum.
“Marriage.” Haiper mumbled, his eyes darted between Tubbo and Ash, as if he was trying to make out what Ash did. “Like Duncan and Molly.”
Ash nodded at Haiper’s words, his gaze moved to the window and he watched the sun set for a moment, silence falling over the room. “Roier was supposed to marry Ewron for the alliance.” He said finally. The silence that fell over the room after he said those words was deafening. Haiper looked shocked, almost as if Ash got up and slapped him straight in the face. Meanwhile Tubbo looked at Ash for a moment before he burst out into laughter, the mechanism falling from his hand and swirling around on the floor.
“So, you got jealous of Ewron getting married?” Tubbo choked out between laughter, his arms wrapped tightly around his stomach as he tried to keep himself upright in the seat.
“What? No! I didn’t get jealous. I just don’t want the North to have favorable alliances.” Ash muttered, trying hard not to appear flustered by Tubbo’s words. “I’d never be jealous of Ewron.” His face scrunched up in disgust.
“Sure.” Tubbo finally stopped laughing and shook his head. “Suuuure” He repeated with a smirk before he stood up from the chair and gathered the mechanism from the ground. “Good luck with your completely not fueled by jealousy plot.” He mumbled and left the room, chuckling under his breath as he walked.
“He’s so weird, man.” Ash mumbled as he watched Tubbo walk out before his eyes fell on Haiper, who was still watching him with a shocked expression. “What?”
“You… Are going to marry… Ewron?” Haiper asked, his voice full of confusion as his eyes studied Ash carefully.
“Well, if Roier and the North agree, Graf said it would be like a competition of who gets Ewron to agree to a marriage in a month.” Ash said, his fingers absent-mindedly sliding through the short tuft of hair at the end of his braid. “So it all depends on what Vegetta will say.”
“Okay… I respect your decisions, Ash. Even if I do think you’re crazy right now.” Haiper murmured and looked at Ash for a few more moments before he stood up. “I’m going to go back to my duties.” With that, Haiper left Ash alone in his office to think about his decisions.
In the meantime, at the North mansion.
“I’M NOT GETTING MARRIED!” Roier’s voice carried all around the building as Graf stepped into the mansion. Graf met the amused gazes of Tina, Molly and Foolish as the three friends sat gathered around a table, seemingly not doing anything, but clearly listening to the argument.
“It’s not a good time, Graf.” Foolish said, his words followed by a fit of giggles from the trio. “They’ve been going at it for almost 2 hours now.”
“I actually have some news regarding the situation.” Graf said with a polite smile, his hands clasped behind his back as he stood in front of the table. “I’ll go see if I can make the situation better.” He added, nodding to them before he walked up the stairs and all the way to Juan’s office, where the screams were coming from.
Graf knocked on the door and the screams stopped for a moment, before Vegetta’s form appeared in front of him as the door opened. “Graf!” Vegetta smiled, but it was clear the man was stressed and done with Roier’s screams. “It is not a good time right now, I’m sorry.”
“Actually, I’m here as a representative of the Polish Cave to speak about the agreement.” Graf said, smiling politely as he peered into the room. He saw Roier sat in an armchair, red with anger, and by him, Juan, who held back his laughter.
Vegetta let him inside of the office and closed the door, then motioned for Graf to sit down.
“We have received a visit today, from the Regime, and it seems that Ash is very interested in an alliance with us as well.” Graf started to speak when he sat down, watched closely by all three people gathered in the room. “He heard of the arrangement, I guess from Katie’s gossip column in the QNews, and said that if there is to be an alliance between the Regime and the Polish Cave, we cannot go into a marriage alliance with the North, and he’d be the one to marry Ewron.”
“Well, problem solved, I’m not marrying the cockroach and Ash can take him.” Roier shrugged and stood up, but he was pushed back down into his chair by Juan’s hand. “Win win situation for us all.”
“No. That would be way too advantageous to the Regime, and we’d be at a losing position. You will marry Ewron and it’s final.” Vegetta’s voice was uncharacteristically stern as he shot a serious look at Roier.
“Well, actually… Ewron is hesitant about the wedding too, so I proposed a contest to Ash. For a month, prince Roier and Ash would compete for Ewron’s hand in marriage, and at the end of the month, Ewron would choose who he’d like to marry.” Graf said, his fingers tapping on the armrest of his chair as he looked between the people gathered around the room. “And Ash agreed to the contest.”
Vegetta’s jaw clenched at Graf’s words and he looked away from everyone, his eyes staring out of the window for a moment while Roier began cursing in Spanish under his breath. Juan looked shocked for a moment before he burst into laughter, his arms wrapped around his stomach as he bent in half in his chair and howled with laughter.
“Fine. We’ll agree to it. You can let Ash know that the contest is on.” Vegetta finally spoke, his eyes finally returning to the people gathered in the office. “And you.” He shot a pointed gaze at Roier. “Will do your best to win it.” He said with a tone that doesn’t allow any argument. Roier glared at Vegetta for a moment before he stood up wordlessly, nodded and left the room, slamming the door behind him. A loud “KURWA” could be heard from the young prince from behind the door as loud footsteps carried him back to his room.
A few hours later, at the small island the Poles agreed would be their secret meeting spot, the four residents of the Polish Cave gathered. Ewron sat down on the ground, his feet anxiously shifting on the ground as his fingers tugged at the grass beneath his fingers. Nexe sat next to Ewron, clearly unbothered by his friend’s inner turmoil, while Multi was standing in front of them, his eyes squinting at the setting sun - he wasn’t too used to being out and about above ground. Graf arrived last and stood next to Multi, fixing up the glasses that slid down his nose.
“I have spoken to Vegetta and Ash.” Graf started and shot a glare at Ewron when he began to throw torn up grass at Nexe. Ewron clenched his jaw and leaned back on the ground, trying to at least soak in the last bits of sunlight before night fell. “They all agreed to the contest, and it will start tomorrow. Basically, for a whole month, Roier and Ash will compete for Ewron’s hand in marriage, and Ewron will be able to choose his husband in the end. Both the North and the Regime have some events planned for this month, so we all will be expected to attend, Ewron especially. I have a few events planned in mind as well.”
“So, you guys still treat me as some sort of item you can trade for alliances, but at least you give me an option to choose? Wow, how generous.” Ewron mumbled sarcastically, the grown man pouting like a little child.
“Hey, this can be advantageous to us. You can be our spy in both of the factions, and by the end, you’ll choose a husband and be able to spy on them indefinitely.” Multi said with a grin as he looked at Ewron. “Think of how much shit we can do with the intel you gather.”
Ewron scoffed and glared at Multi, annoyed that his friend would not even take his feelings into consideration, only focused on his own gains and plans. “You do it if you think it’s such a good idea.” He grumbled, throwing a fistful of grass in Multi’s direction.
“Oh, no, no, no. I have much bigger things to do, you guys know it. And Nexe can’t do it either, he’s busy being my helper.” Multi scoffed, rolling his eyes at Ewron’s childish antics. “You’ll be fine, man. Stop being dramatic.”
Ewron bristled at Multi’s words and stood up, his hands brushing off the dirt and dead grass that clung to his robes. “Pierdolcie się wszyscy.” He grumbled and turned on his heel, leaving his friends alone, in silence.