Work Text:
This is one of those "remember that episode where..." episodes. A milestone, if you like. This is that episode where the Phoenix gets totalled and they have to build a new one.
As usual, we open with Center Neptune, the fish, and Zark. Only Zark isn't narrating for us, just yet. He's in the middle of some radiotelephony, or what we used to call R/T. "Ten four, big twinkle," he says (big TWINKLE ?) "I copy. Pick up some motion lotion and do it to it for home twenty." Motion lotion I recognise. It’s pilot slang for fuel. "Cut some zees on the backstroke," Zark continues. "We gone." He catches himself and turns to camera. "Oh!" he exclaims. "I was just rapping with a robot pilot on his way to the Big Dipper," he explains, and I'm so not going to even think about the astronomy. It's just stupid.
Oh, look: one minute forty-nine seconds into the episode -- inclusive of the main title -- and I've used the word 'stupid' already.
"We do that to pass time when there's nothing much happening out in space," Zark says blithely, completely unaware of how much I hate him right now. "You know, just small talk, like, 'What do you hear from the computers over on Sagittarius?' or, 'Meet any neat new robots from Corona Borealis, lately?' Most of the time, though, I'm too busy for chit-chat. I'm the eyes that never close for G-Force, keeping constant watch throughout the galaxy for any sign of alien space invaders." This is going to be one of those episodes, isn't it? The ones where a lot of 'unacceptable' Gatch stuff has been cut out and they just splice in a whole lot of Zark to make up the twenty minutes. Tea. I’m going to need tea.
But Zark hasn't finished. Oh, no. Not by a long chalk: "Right now it's time for me to check things here on Earth," he says. He presses some buttons and scans the patterns of dots on his monitors. "Everything seems to be in good order," he decides.
Ah ha! We cut to some semi-crepuscular vision of some industrial pipelines. Probably oil or gas, if I don't miss my guess. The sun appears to be setting, and Zark narrates for us. "Our vast energy supply areas are working smoothly," he announces, "but we mustn't let that lull us into a false sense of security. There are forces outside our galaxy whose own planetary resources are almost gone!" The vision shows us a still of what looks like a nuclear fission plant, and a cross section of a geothermal energy plant, as well. This, it should be noted, was fairly cutting edge for mainstream seventies stuff. Yes, we were in the grips of an 'energy crisis' as we called it in those days, but it had more to do with OPEC pricing than it had to do with peak oil. Geothermal energy was still a theoretical 'what if?' concept in those days rather than the reality we're facing today. Which goes to show that there was actually some decent Sci-Fi in this programme. "We've dug deep to discover new resources, even tapping molten areas below the Earth's crust! Here on Earth, all seems normal and peaceful," Zark tells us, as we view a flock of birds cruising over the top of a lake, presumably on their way to roost.
Now we cut to a park, where people are strolling and sitting. There are families with children, and it's all very normal and peaceful. "Our scientists in Earth's special laboratories," Zark continues, "are constantly seeking new ways to stretch our own resources."
We zoom in now on the Federal Building. "So far, G-Force has managed to repel all attacks," Zark tells us, "but I'm certain Planet Spectra will pay us another visit soon!"
So, some filler, and the chorus. In Shakespeare's day, part of the role of the chorus was often filled by the clowns, and I think Zark is reminiscent of the clowns, with their bad puns, crude humour and bladders-on-sticks.
We cut abruptly to the Planet Spectra in question, where Zoltar is having a chat with the Great Spirit, or Luminous One, otherwise fondly known as the Giant Blue Chicken of Spectra.
"Our galaxy is doomed, Zoltar," says the Giant Blue Chicken (or GBC), "unless we have Earth as a supply base."
Zoltar bows. "I understand, Great Spirit," he says.
"Do you?" challenges the GBC. "I have sent you down there many times before, and you have always returned empty handed."
Zoltar looks less than comfortable at being reminded of his failure to deliver. "Not this time," he predicts.
"Zoltar!" snaps the Chicken.
"I swear by the dual red suns that shine above Spectra, Earth shall be conquered," Zoltar says quietly, and this, to me, seems far more convincing than any of his ranting ever has. Bit of a worry, a Zoltar not ranting and spitting.
The GBC isn't impressed, however. "How?" it demands.
Zoltar is taken aback at the Chicken's tone. "My magnificent new giant robot machine that is operated electrically --" Whoa, Z-Dude. I bet nobody's EVER thought of using electricity in a robot before! "-- under my control!"
"In that case, Zoltar," says the Chicken, "any mistakes will be yours alone!"
Ah, the cry of the beta reader!
"I am ready, O Luminous One," Zoltar says.
The Chicken commences with a briefing: "Your new base is in a remote area of the Arctic," it says. "The polar magnetic currents there will disrupt any scanner probes. Strike at Earth's power centres! Without their ability to produce Vitalumis, the Intergalactic Federation will crumble!" The Chicken's eyes turn red, which should worry anyone who knows anything about poultry.
"Earth shall be destroyed! This I promise you, Great Light of Wisdom!" Which is a pretty silly thing to say, really. I mean, if you're after Earth's resources, wouldn't it make sense to not destroy it? I mean, you know, pillage before you burn?
"I have heard your boastful words and your glowing promises before, Zoltar," says the Chicken. "I warn you..."
"I promise I shall return victorious," says Zoltar.
So, we have just had an interesting little bout of exposition, courtesy of the GBC and Z-Dude. It seems that not only Planet Spectra but Spectra's entire home galaxy -- which would be the Milky Way -- is doomed.
Well, it is, but only in the sense that the entire galaxy (including us) is doomed to die eventually. This is suggested to us in the Second Law of Thermodynamics which states, the total entropy of any isolated thermodynamic system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value. So the entire universe is eventually going to spin down to a stop, one day billions and squillions of years from now. Valar Morgulis. All things die. However, I'm guessing that the GBC is not actually referring to a temporally remote sense of existential dread. I suspect that it's actually talking about the Crab Nebula.
Let's assume that this is because of the supernova which formed the Crab Nebula. The current theory is that the Crab Nebula was formed when its progenitor star went nova, or, to paraphrase Marvin the Martian, went "KABOOM!" This was observed in the Earth year 1054. Now, my astronomy consultant, the inimitable WyldKat, tells me that the Crab Nebula is approximately 4,000 light years from Earth, which means that it takes light 4,000 years to travel from there to here. What this means, in very simple terms, is that the actual event took place, and then the visible light took 4,000 years to reach Earth, and ancient astronomers recorded the incident. From this we may deduce that the actual explosion which formed the Crab Nebula and sent Spectra's galaxy down the proverbial stellar toilet took place 4,000 years before it was observed on Earth. This would put it somewhere around 5000 BC, which is a while back in human terms – roughly 7,000 years ago.
So, the Spectrans have been doing pretty well, all things considered.
Now, the reason for the Spectrans being doomed might not be the formation of the Crab Nebula due to the catastrophic supernova of its progenitor star. They might be completely over that and using the nebula as a nifty revenue raising tourist attraction, and there might be some completely unrelated other reason why they are doomed.
Personally, I think it may be something to do with the decline of society through bad wardrobe choices and an unfortunate tendency to worship chicken gods.
But that's just speculation.
Anyway, what we do know is that canonically, they're doomed. It's an unspecified, vague kind of dooming, and the Spectrans need Earth as a supply base.
Which they plan to destroy.
But as Margo Ryor said, if you want consistency, watch Babylon 5.
This is not Babylon 5. This is Battle of the Planets. Consistency doesn't come into it.
We also know that Spectra has two red suns.
Those with more knowledge in arcana astronomica can no doubt shed more light on this interesting fact than I could. Do red suns provide you with enough ultraviolet light to make Vitamin D? Is that why they're doomed?
Anyway, they're doomed. Doomed, I tells ya!
Back to our story: Z-Dude's little rotating purple ship is rotating in a serious snow storm.
Z-Dude is sitting in the Big Chair, and he isn't even getting dizzy from all the rotating. "This is one time I must not fail the Luminous One," Zoltar muses aloud.
The GBC's screen saver is on, but someone must have hit the 'any' key (you know the old joke, 'strike any key to continue' 'which one is the any key?') and the GBC writhes into being. "The guardians of Earth seem unprepared, Zoltar," it says. "Your approach is good, and you may have succeeded in launching a surprise attack!"
Now we have some space shot footage and the usual accompanying music. The moving dot is travelling from right to left rather than left to right, and appears to be tracking in to the Solar System, so I am assuming that this is Z-Dude's ship making its sneaky and undetected approach to Earth.
Only it's not entirely undetected, because Zark is actually doing his job, and he's spotted the interloper.
Naturally, he has to blow his own trumpet about it. Let's face it, nobody else is going to be inclined to do it for him, are they?
"I'm right!" Zark declares (of course.) "Interplanetary patrol advises that an unidentified alien object has just entered our universe!"
Er... Let's just take a moment to look at the difference between a star system, a galaxy and a universe, shall we? A universe is like the space, time and matter contained within a space-time continuum. To all practical intents and purposes, everything that exists is contained within the universe. The universe is everything we could possibly detect on the physical (as opposed to the metaphysical) plane. It may be billions of light years away, but if we could travel that far, we'd be able to sense it, either with our own senses or with devices designed to interpret the data for our senses. We do not know if the universe is finite or infinite. It may be finite in one direction and infinite in another. It may be open, or it may be closed. It's all that we know. The Cosmos, on the other hand, could be made up of many universes, if theoretical quantum physics is right and other universes exist. In other universes, the rules could be different. E might not equal MC squared. Up might equal raspberry. We don't know. We cannot presently detect or visit other universes -- other physical planes of reality -- to find out.
A galaxy is a vast group of stars which is sort of gathered together in a swirl, a ball, or a clump. It's very big. The Milky Way is the galaxy containing the Crab Nebula as well as the Solar System.
The Solar System is the group of bodies (planets, asteroids, and 'things') which orbit the Sun, among which our own planet, the Earth, is numbered.
So, it does not make sense for Spectra to be located in the Crab Nebula if it is outside our universe. The Crab Nebula is inside our universe. Not only that, but the Crab Nebula is contained within the Milky Way galaxy. If you'd like to see it, point a telescope at the constellation Taurus and look for the interesting little blob. That's the Crab Nebula. Home of Spectra, the Z-Dude and the Giant Blue Chicken.
I am beginning to suspect that among the prerequisites for working as a writer on Battle of the Planets were the following -
(a) You must have failed physics from the age of six; and
(b) You really enjoyed the movie Convoy.
It's very sad.
"And it's orbiting toward Earth!" Zark gasps. Not going there.
Z-Dude's rotating ship 'orbits' its way into a mountain range. An Arctic mountain range. We know this because it is snowing and there are whooshy wind sound effects.
A little one-man ship leaves the rotating ship and Z-Dude flies it down to the mountain below.
There is dramatic music.
"My receptors advise me," says Zark as the camera pans over a cityscape, "that the alien invader is definitely from Spectra, and that means trouble! I've evacuated the area, and alerted all defence units, but I can't seem to locate Mark, the Commander of G-Force!"
Over an urban area, we see a ship seemingly made up of Lego with a ball in the middle and four tentacles (hence 'octopus' from the Greek Okto meaning 'eight' and pous meaning 'foot', hence 'four tentacles' -- yes, I think one of the other prerequisites for being on the writing team for BotP was an inability to count to ten.) The Lego ship is wreaking havoc with a beam weapon which it fires out of its belly, generating some high pitched Foley effects as well as some impressive explosions.
Zark, meanwhile, is still trying to raise Mark, and it looks like this time, he'll be successful, as the nacelle of Mark's little plane enters the frame.
"Center Neptune calling all members of G-Force," Zark says. "Red alert! This is 7-Zark-7 calling G-Force! Emergency!"
Which is really poor R/T, really. I mean, he just prattles on and on without giving anyone a chance to answer, and he gets the hailing protocol backward. You're supposed to call the station you want and then identify yourself, not the other way around, but Zark always likes to mention himself first, doesn't he? Little toad.
"Mark," Zark says, "do you read me?"
Mark picks up Zark's hail and responds: "Ears on, Zark," he says, "I read." The cockpit of that thing looks like it might have been built by Time Lords because like the TARDIS, it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside.
"All G-Force units scramble, Commander," Zark says. "Assemble on command ship at once. Spectra invaders have attacked power centres!"
Mark drops down to well below fifty feet and transmutes. The sequence is somewhat abbreviated, and the little single engine prop tailwheel job glows and transforms into a jet on a trike rather smartly. The Phoenix looms ahead, and Mark closes the distance between the two aircraft to dock in what I still maintain is an aerodynamically unlikely manoeuvre.
Mark arrives in the cabin to be greeted by a chirp from Keyop. "About time!"
"Sorry," Mark says, "I was taking a little pleasure cruise over the islands." He makes his way to the co-pilot's chair. "Zark says it's Spectra again. What's the word from Security?"
"Anderson's just coming on the monitor now," Tiny says, and sure enough the monitor lights up with a signal from the Chief.
"As you know," Anderson says without preamble, whilst refraining from addressing anyone as 'Bob,' "Spectra has launched a new attack against Earth. Their objective this time appears to be Earth's power plants, especially those supplying energy to our Vitalumis laboratories."
"What are the enemy coordinates?" Mark asks, and begins to enter data in what looks like a wide screen nav system.
"One hundred and six by thirty four degrees east," says Anderson, which I don't understand at all. Does he mean one hundred and six degrees north? That would be really difficult given that there are only ninety degrees of latitude. Ninety degrees north is the North Pole. I suspect that this is the Chief being given his very own little mini jargon fest. "The Space Octopus is moving north at approximately three hundred and fifty knots. It appears headed for Energy Complex AB dash Two. Your orders, based on our latest readings are for you to proceed to battle stations. Zark will give you the computer support needed to achieve your objectives."
The screen goes dark.
It's a bit sad, really. 'Proceed to battle stations'? How do you 'proceed' to battle stations? Aren't they already there, aboard the Phoenix? It's not like it's an aircraft carrier or anything.
I am given to understand that some of the BotP team had worked on Gilligan's Island before taking up their pens and their typewriter ribbons with Sandy Frank Productions. I actually liked Gilligan's Island. It was funny, lighthearted and intentionally silly. I think the writing team did a good job on Gilligan's Island. There. I said something nice about them.
"What's our present course?" Mark asks. "Navigator?" he adds. Some of the dialogue is funny this way. The cadence and tone of the actor's voice implies that the sentence is finished, then they'll add a word or two in at the end. Strange.
Jason, it seems, is having a nana-nap.
"Jason!" Mark scolds. "Get with it! Energy Complex ABZ. Go!"
And here we have proof that the cast recorded their dialogue separately. Anderson gives their destination as Energy Complex AB dash Two. Mark gives it as ABZ. A '2' and a 'Z' can easily be misread if they're handwritten. This is actually a bit of a faux pas on the part of the voice director.
In any event, Tiny seems to know where he's going, and that's a good thing, because he's got the Phoenix strapped to his bum.
"Phoenix flight path locked in," Jason says, and slumps back into his seat, looking a bit frayed around the edges. I wonder if this was one of those Gatchaman episodes where Joe was dying of a brain injury?
Either way, Jason does not die of a brain injury at any point in Battle of the Planets, so I suppose we can surmise that he was up watching a late-night movie, or maybe catching Le Mans live via satellite. My money is on Le Mans.
"Activate ANL," Jason says. "Get a reading on that Space Lobster!"
"I think Chief Anderson said it was a Space Octopus," Princess can't help correcting.
"All seafood turns me off," Jason snarls. Someone's cranky today, but you can't just record the Le Mans race. You have to stay up and watch it as it happens. Otherwise there's no point.
"I wish you'd stop," Tiny says. "You're makin' me hungry." It's rather annoying, the way Tiny gets so little character development.
"You can all stop," Mark tells them. "We're approaching attack area. Check thermodyne booster." Too right. You don't want your thermodyne unboosted in a crisis.
There's a long aqueduct in the middle of nowhere, and a facility with lots of complicated pipes. It must be Energy Complex AB dash Two/ABZ. We also see the Space Calamari upstairs, ready to attack.
The Space Marinara lets rip with its beam weapon, and holes are ripped open in the Energy Complex's pipes and tanks. Water and debris spews everywhere, and the Phoenix arcs around in a descending turn to take on the Space Fruits de Mer.
"Target ahead!" Mark says. "Ready to intercept."
"Rocket missile pod ready," Princess reports, "but energy shield controls are jammed."
Mark rises from his seat to stand and glare at the enemy ahead. "The Spectra ship is blocking our control units!"
"Backup system fouled," Princess says.
So, they're going in without some of their defences.
"Keep working on it, Princess," Mark says. "Jason?"
"We can try the rocket pod," Jason says, and we see the rocket array in question being readied for use.
Meanwhile, aboard the Space Shrimp, Zoltar is gloating: "G-Force is having trouble with their command ship," he says. "Now is the time to strike with all our power! Annihilate them!"
Back on the deck of the Phoenix, Mark is worried. "Hang tight," he cautions his team. "I think we've got a big problem!"
"I know," Tiny agrees grimly.
The Space Fishstick looms unpleasantly ahead, and closes in.
"Had it!" Keyop predicts.
The Space Rollmop's tentacles and stabilisers retract and it abruptly splits into a number of smaller modules, which ten proceed to sprout tentacles -- six tentacles -- of their own. So we've gone from one large quadropus to a bunch of little hexopi.
"Too many!" Keyop burbles. Why could they not have simply given the kid dialogue instead of all the gargling?
Aboard the command Space Shrimp-cocktail, Z-Dude is barking jargonistic commands: "Retract thermocouplings! Ignite ion engines! All units, stand by to attack!"
Z-Dude presses a button, and the command hexopus fires a beam weapon at the Phoenix, taking out one of its rockets. That's pretty good shooting from the Spectrans, in sharp contrast to their soldiers' inability to accurately hit the side of a barn door with an assault rifle.
The beam weapon punches through the rocket and hits the firing mechanism, which explodes. The Phoenix lurches, and her crew is thrown about in the cabin. She must have been designed by the same people who came up with the Starship Enterprise. They never heard of seatbelts, either. Not until JJ Abrams, anyway. At least there’s no lens flare to deal with here.
The Phoenix begins to lose altitude, smoke trailing from the damaged weapons bay.
"Attention all unit leaders," Z-Dude says. "Regroup!"
The hexopi retract their tentacles and return to lock in together and form the module Space Oyster.
Mark watches from his seat. "Abandon attack!" he orders. "Just enough time to make it up to the emergency centre!"
The team reacts with horror. "Auxiliary power?" Jason asks.
"Out!" Mark tells him, and they all run from the main cabin, leaving Tiny in the pilot's seat.
Zoltar watches the Phoenix ascend past his window. "You won't get away!" he growls.
The Phoenix climbs, and is pursued by the Space Crayfish, which now has six tentacles of its very own. The Space Clam overtakes the Phoenix easily.
"Uh-oh," Tiny says, which is not generally something you want to hear from someone who has a multi-million dollar command ship loaded with armament strapped to his bum.
Mark is boarding the G-1. "How much time?" he asks, voice cracking with the strain. This almost makes up for the mess-up with the Energy Complex designation.
"Seventy seconds to transmute," Tiny says.
"Hit it!" Mark orders.
"Can't," Tiny replies. "Have to wait for power buildup."
And we see the Phoenix, hovering motionless in the air, a veritable sitting duck, while the Space Scallop looms overhead.
"I have you this time, G-Force!" Zoltar laughs. "Not even your secret weapons can save you now! Destroyed by your own failure!"
Mark flexes his hands against the controls of his docked jet. "Transmute!" he says.
The Phoenix goes into a vertical dive.
"After them!" Z-Dude cries.
The Space Squid-ring plummets after the Phoenix. It draws level and fires the big beam weapon just as the Phoenix transmutes.
The unearthly cry of the Fiery Phoenix sounds on a descending note, without its usual triumphant sound, but she keeps flying. Zoltar gives another order: "Release cell missiles!"
The cell missiles, which looks like a swarm of ectoplasmic poached eggs, swarm out of the Space Sashimi and hit the exterior of the Phoenix's transmuted form, where they explode. The Phoenix is surrounded by detonations which burst like fireworks, and in a red sky, the Space Prawn hangs, and Zoltar laughs his Evil Villain Laugh. "What a lovely sight," he gloats. "At last, G-Force is on its way to oblivion!"
The Phoenix, still transmuted, continues to fall with the cell missiles exploding all around her. "We've won!" Z-Dude declares. "There can be no doubt! This time, I bring the Great Spirit a brilliant victory! Ha-ha-ha-ha!"
Did you ever notice that Z-Dude gets more exclamation marks in his dialogue than all the other characters put together?
That's because he's Evil.
"Now, nothing can stop Spectra from capturing all Earth!" Zoltar says.
Back aboard the Phoenix, things are a mite uncomfortable, as they always are when the ship is turning itself into a giant flying blowtorch.
"Level off, Tiny," Mark says. "Hit the gravity neutraliser. Kick in reverse boosters."
The Phoenix is spiralling down toward the Energy Complex. Tiny is having difficulties. "Throttle's jammed!" he says. "I can't budge it! We're going out of transmute!"
The Phoenix returns to its normal form and Tiny uses all his strength to haul back on the throttle. The thrusters fire and the Phoenix makes a controlled landing in the sand dunes, but she's on fire and it doesn't look good.
Mark opens the canopy of his jet to find the bay in flames. "Scramble!" he orders his team via communicator. "It's gonna blow any second!"
We see Jason dive out of the nacelle. Keyop jumps from the open mouth of his Space Buggy and Tiny leaps down from the ship, piggy-backing Princess, who seems to have suffered an attack of the vapours or something.
The team takes refuge behind another dune as the ship burns. The nacelle explodes, and the rest of the Phoenix soon follows.
"I never thought I'd see the day," Tiny says, mourning.
"Yeah?" Jason says, anger in his face and in his voice. "Well, just be glad we're not still inside."
"Okay," Mark says, "Zoltar won this battle, but we'll come back and win the war!"
And with that, we fade out, and Zark fades in. I hate it when that happens.
"Whew!" says Zark. "That was a terrible scramble. If I had a heart, it would be in my mouth. If I had a mouth. Now I've got some heavy work to do. When I discover what went wrong with the command ship, I'll really have to burn the midnight oil to redesign a whole new Phoenix in time to stop Zoltar!" He ponders for a moment. "I wonder when they're going to redesign me with all the latest technical components?" Yeah, Zark, it's always all about you, isn't it?
So let's go to Recipe of the Episode!
RECIPE OF THE EPISODE
VANILLA PANNA COTTA
This deliciously indulgent dessert should have a wonderfully smooth and light texture. Use fresh, quality ingredients for best results.
Ingredients
3 cups cream
1 cup milk
1 tbsp Pure Vanilla Extract
¾ cup sugar
2 teaspoons powdered gelatine
2 teaspoons hot water to mix
Method
Slowly bring the cream, milk, vanilla and sugar to the boil.
Dissolve the gelatine powder in 2 tbsp hot water and stir into the cream.
When smooth, strain the mixture into a large jug. Allow mixture to cool completely.
Pour into moulds. (120 ml moulds are ideal)
Cover moulds with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least four hours.
To release the panna cotta from the mould, just dip the mould in warm water for a few seconds. Then with the back of a knife, carefully loosen the top of the panna cotta and turn out.
This is very good served with fresh seasonal fruit and fresh whipped cream.
We now return you to our regular seafood buffet:
Keyop throws himself backward onto a seat in the briefing room, his messy hair flopping about his head as he bounces on the cushion. "Could be..." he warbles, "lot worse."
The team is gathered around, with the senior members standing.
"I should have known that Zoltar would bring his ion coupler into play against the Phoenix," Mark says.
"No regrets," Princess says, in the manner of someone reminding someone of a past agreement.
"But we should've been able to whip Zoltar," Mark insists.
"Just give us one more round with him," Jason says.
"I wonder if our new Phoenix is gonna be ready soon?" Tiny wonders.
The doors hiss open and Chief Anderson makes his entrance. "Hi," he greets them. "Our recovery team has sifted through the Phoenix wreckage."
"What've you done with the results?" Mark wants to know.
"Damage data has been given to Zark's aerodyne computer," Anderson says.
"Okay," Mark says. "Just get us our new Phoenix." He speaks as though Anderson were in a subordinate role, which is interesting. Just as interesting is the way Anderson lets it slide. He's very casual in this scene, almost as though he's walking on eggshells in case the kiddies should suddenly break down and cry on him.
And if they did, and it necessitated him having to replace that gosh-awful suit, would it be such a bad thing?
At least we know he could never betray the Earth and work for Spectra: he lacks the fashion sense. (Heaven help us should anyone try to adapt the Gatchaman OAVs. OAV Nambu is a closet Evil Commander du jour.)
"The loss of the Phoenix was regrettable," Anderson tells them, "but I have the utmost confidence in you, and G-Force."
"Just get us our ship, and get us back in action," Mark says. "That's all we ask."
"Patience," Anderson counsels. "You must have a little patience."
Yes, for things like quality control, and testing, so that your new ship doesn't blow up, or fall out of the sky without provocation. Sometimes, it's the little things.
Mark punches the window frame in frustration, and two of the fish stop swimming to look at him. Patience, Grasshopper.
"It was my responsibility in losing the ship," Mark says. If I can't have my new Phoenix right now, I will throw a pity party! Then I will hold my breath until I turn blue!
Jason responds with his usual tact. "Yes, but it was your decision that got us all out safely," he points out, "and no-one's blaming anyone."
"Commander, he's right," Anderson says. "Save all your energy and look." Anderson moves to a larger window and presses a control.
The window shutter rises to reveal the superstructure of a new command ship, over which the camera pans lovingly. "There it is," Anderson announces. "Your new Phoenix, and you have Zark's hard and fast work to thank for it." I always want to gag whenever Anderson fawns over Zark in this manner. You'd think that without Zark, Galaxy Security would hit rock bottom and then start digging. "Zark completely reworked the old blueprints, and I think you'll find he made some brilliant new additions." Hopefully he even wrote them up in the manual. Is anyone going to read the flight manual before you take your new toy out to play, G-Force?
"It's beautiful," Princess says. "When will it be ready?"
"Two days, hopefully," Anderson says. "We're working 'round the clock, but these things take time."
"Great," says Jason, who of all people, with his involvement in motor sport, ought to appreciate the need for doing the job right. "Meanwhile, Zoltar runs wild."
Instead of tearing a strip off the gunner for his insolence, Anderson merely points out that, "Regular defence units will do their best to cope with him until you're ready to take over again." I would have given Jason a piece of my mind for a remark like that, but maybe Anderson lent all his brain cells to Zark and can't spare a piece of his mind.
We cut to another power plant, whose designation is not given, and the Space Seafood Platter is closing in on it. There are tanks rumbling about on the ground, but we all know that tanks will be no defence against the Space Crabstick. The Space Cuttlefish has split up into courses -- er, modules -- and is readying itself for an attack. The tanks open fire, and a squadron of fighter planes begins an attack run. Predictably, the Space Mussels destroy them all with their beam weapon.
Now, we see hangar doors opening, and a familiar silhouette appears, with encouraging music! It's the Phoenix, all new and improved!
The team is in their combat gear and ready to go, with Anderson on hand for some last minute words of encouragement.
Keyop chirps a bit and manages to say, "New model!"
"All last-minute checks of the new command ship have been completed," Anderson tells the team.
"Ready for launching?" Mark asks.
"It's ready," Anderson confirms, "and you'll find it even better than the old Phoenix. This may be our last chance to stop Spectra. Go!"
The Space Sardines-on-toast has reconfigured into a new and terrible Lego-esque shape, and it's heading toward the Federal building!
Anderson is on the phone. "Zark, we've just received your last report that the other Spectra ships from the main one are self-energising drones." He puts the phone down and addresses the team. "Zoltar has attacked the city and is headed this way. There's no time to lose. Get airborne immediately. Earth is counting on you."
Aboard the Space Crab-cake, Zoltar is having a gloat. "With G-Force and their space ship no longer standing in our way, the defences of Earth will soon be crushed, and from this valuable new base, we go on to capture the entire galaxy!" He finishes up with some Evil Villain Laughter, because you can't utter a line like, 'We go on to capture the entire galaxy!' without it.
A goon is looking out of the window to Z-Dude's right. "Zoltar," says the goon, in a down home southern style accent which suggests his name may be Billy-Goon-Bob, "one o' they-are shee-ups is comin' up fay-ust!" Z-Dude turns, appalled at the awful accent, and joins Billy-Goon-Bob at the window, to see the new improved Phoenix heading straight for them!
"Impossible!" Zoltar says. "The Phoenix was destroyed!"
Aboard the Phoenix, G-Force are ready to get a bit of their own back. "Space Octopus dead ahead," Mark says. "Now let's see how our new Phoenix handles in a scrap."
That's actually a very worrying thing to hear from the Commander, because you really want to know the answer to that before you actually get into a scrap, just in case it turns out to be, 'Not terribly well.'
"Ready," Tiny says.
The Space Clams do the Lego thing and separate, and the Phoenix flies among them before heading back into clear airspace.
Zoltar is less than impressed. In fact, he looks downright annoyed. He looks so mad he might just grab Billy-Goon-Bob's shotgun and let 'em have both barrels. "My five robot space weapons will be regrouping, now," he says, and that's just what they do, reconfiguring into a straight line.
"They've taken the bait," Mark infers. "Time to try out some of the wild new stuff Zark invented!"
Mark, Jason, Princess and Keyop run from the main cabin.
The Space Anchovy closes in.
Mark boards his jet and activates his wrist communicator. "Ready for fun and games?" he asks.
"Just lay the word on me," Tiny replies.
Princess is aboard her motorcycle with the clear cover being lowered into position; Keyop fastens the seat-belt -- hey it is new and improved -- on his buggy; and Jason does likewise in his car.
The Phoenix is being pursued once again by the Space Winkle.
"We're gaining on them," Zoltar says. "All units prepare for attack!"
The Phoenix is flying over some rugged country, and we see below a very old fashioned wooden plank suspension bridge with stone posts. I'm not sure exactly why we are being shown this marvel of early technology, but it's there, and we're looking at it.
Mark stares at the bridge for a moment. "G-Force, go!" he orders. The starboard wing pod opens and Keyop's buggy flies out. The port wing pod is next and Princess drops down to land her motorcycle and drive around a sharp bend. Interestingly, that protective cover is no longer in place. The nacelle slides back and Jason's car is tossed out to make a neat landing. Mark's jet leaves its bay and all five vehicles are now independent.
The Space Caviar is also splitting up into five components. "Bring them down for good, this time!" Zoltar says. "No more escapes!"
Mark engages one of the hexopi. "Here you go, creepy crawler!" he says, which is probably not the wittiest line in the history of air combat, but it's what we've got to deal with. His jet makes a few patently impossible moves, then he fires a laser gun from the G-1's dorsal surface, and blows up the hexopus.
There's a lot of shrapnel, but none of it hits the G-1.
Jason is also on the hunt. "I want that one with the six bow legs!" he quips, and this, also, is probably one of the least witty comments in the history of motorised ground combat, but, again, it's what we've been given. He pushes a button to his right, and the G-2 splits open (this must do horrible things to the wheel alignment) and we see a rather nasty looking rotary machine gun, a'la the Gatling gun, only I'm presuming he doesn't have to wind a handle on this model. The hexopus with which he's closing fires its beam weapon, but Jason also opens fire and fills said hexopus with bullets, whereupon it promptly blows up.
Princess stops her bike at the top of a rise. "Okay, octopi," she says, "in your eye!"
And the dialogue just isn't getting any better, is it?
She activates a control that lifts the top of the bike up, and fires two small surface-to-air missiles which destroy one of the three remaining Spectran modules with a minimum of fuss.
The penultimate hexopus is firing its beam weapon at the G-4. "My turn," Keyop says, which is probably the most sensible line anyone's had since they engaged. The G-4's capacious mouth opens, and out tumbles an old fashioned round black bomb with a long fuse, just like the ones from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. This bomb is made of stern stuff, however, because it punches clean through the fuselage of the enemy ship and blows it apart in spectacular fashion.
"Zoltar's command ship is the only one left," Mark says.
Z-Dude is aware of this, himself. "G-Force is gaining," he tells his crew. "Increase power! Full jets!"
G-Force have reassembled aboard the Phoenix and they are closing on Zoltar's ship.
"Rocket bay open," Mark says. "Ready for launch."
"I've been waiting for this one a long time," Tiny says, and gets ready to push the Big Red Button. Instead of the dorsal rocket launcher, two bays open underneath the Phoenix with two very pointy, very wicked looking air to air missiles.
Aboard the Space Lox, Zoltar is less than happy. "How will I ever be able to explain this inglorious defeat to the Luminous One?" he whines. "But now," he says, sitting down in his chair, "an expedient retreat is called for."
Z-Dude pushes an orange button.
Tiny pushes a red button.
The air-to-air missiles streak away from the Phoenix's launcher.
Z-Dude's chair blasts up and out of the ship.
The missiles hit home, and the Phoenix arcs away.
Amidst the falling debris of what was once the Space Tuna, Zoltar's escape ship fires up its engines and takes off. "They have their little triumph," Zoltar snarls, echoing Mark's sentiments from earlier on in the episode, "but one battle does not win the war! I shall return, more determined than ever!"
The little ship disappears into the distance.
"Sky looks kind of peaceful all of a sudden," Mark says.
"Yeah, but it won't last," Jason says, ever Mister Cheerful. "They'll be back."
"Poor ol' Zoltar," Tiny says.
Princess and Keyop stare at Tiny in bemusement. Keyop chirps and splutters indignantly. "Poor you!"
"I just meant it's gonna be kinda dull around here," Tiny explains. "Hey, I'm hungry. Anybody for spaceburgers?"
Mark ducks his head and smiles. "Tiny, I've never seen anyone except you who can do a dangerous job, finish it, and start eating."
"Nothing could ever kill his appetite," Jason says, amused.
"All I want to say," Mark tells them, "is that each of you did your job in top fashion. Headquarters can be proud of you. I am. You've never failed in your responsibilities."
As the Phoenix cruises along, Zark sticks his proverbial beak in. "Well, it won't be dull," the robot says. "My acute receptors show that Zoltar and his crew managed to escape safely again, and he'll be back, more determined than ever."
The Phoenix turns her nose toward home, and flies off into the sunset.
"Now that G-Force has the new Phoenix and all the exciting private vehicles I created for them, I wonder how long it'll be before they invite me to join them on one of their missions to Mars or some place? Of course, I don't have a winged cape like theirs, and I can't fly, and I don't have a sonic boomerang like Mark's, or an electronic bolo like Princess and Keyop, and I'm not as strong as Tiny, or as daring as Jason... Let's face it, I'd really be a drag in outer space, wouldn't I?"
Zark, you'd be a drag anywhere.
And so, That Episode Where The Phoenix Gets Totalled draws to a close. And of course, it was all about Zark. Zark this, Zark that, and all I can say is, sod Zark.