Work Text:
Castiel also like conversing with Dean.
It was often when he felt the oddly physical weight of emotion in this vessel at the centre of his chest that he wanted to talk to Dean. He had caught glimpses of other times where Jimmy Novak had felt similarly. The emotions felt more real in his human form than in his heavenly state, for the feeling stayed for long and occupied his mind for even longer and was like nothing he had ever felt before. Humans were God’s most amazing and loved creations, Cas thought, sending a silent word of awe heavenwards. Even angels were second to humans in regards to God’s love, but men marvelled at angels instead. He didn't understand men as much as he wanted to.
But he was detracting. At such moments, he almost needed to talk to someone, anyone. His brothers and sisters never truly listened to what he was saying. It wasn't really about his ranking in the garrison, but the doubts he spoke of that sounded like blasphemy to them. But there were some Castiel could talk to and were grateful for.
Talking to God was something Castiel liked to do. His silence reassured him at some times and exasperated him the other times. All he felt was a tugging at his grace to speak his mind, even if God already knew his thought. He never heard God's voice recently though, not since He spoke to Moses on Mt. Sinai. God talked in signs, in actions and through prophets now - but even when He couldn't give a proper answer, Cas would ask Him all the questions he had -
where He was, Father You promised to be with us always
what His plans were, what am I supposed to do, Father?
to protect the Winchesters, Father cover them in your wings
to bless the Novaks, keep Amelia and Claire in your protection and provide for their needs, Father
to forgive him, Father I don't deserve forgiveness
to guide him and them. Father, am I doing the right thing? How do I keep them safe?
Castiel usually never got an answer for his questions, he just told himself that he needed to have faith and to wait on God's answer - that it would come on His timing. But he always felt some relief in his private appeals to God.
Dean was pretty much the same in that regard - his words were in the things he did and the emotion behind them. His words were not lengthy - he did not like “chick-flick moments” as he called them. His emotions were too high to put in words anyways.
And it was obvious, at times like this, the effect John's disappearances for long periods of time had on Dean. Dean didn't talk much for sure (unless Sam riled him up) but Dean was a great listener. Dean knew how important it was to have somebody who listened, especially because John was not there for Dean to talk to. He knew he couldn't read minds, so he constantly asked Sam if he needed anything or what was on his mind. Dean learnt to get people to talk (either by flirtation or manipulation for humans or violent coercion for supernatural beings) from Bobby. The gruff old man had taught Dean by example how to get people to talk things off their chest. Father, bless Bobby and may he rest in peace in heaven.
Talking to God felt like talking to Dean. They both let Castiel speak his mind, speak his confusion. Dean would sit next to him, face expectant and ears open and say “talk to me”. His silence demanded to be filled with words and thoughts and fears, much like God’s silence did.
Castiel liked how Dean would listen to his doubts, when his brothers and sisters constantly tried to force his hand or brushed aside his doubts. He didn’t feel judged (well not much from Dean now that he was used to Castiel’s "crazy babble about divine plans and leviathans and tablets") or forced to expound on his words lest he was not understood. His words were his own, scrabbled and fragmented and earnest.
(Dean’s prayers to him sometimes echoed his confused syntactical structure themselves.)
Sure there were some times he couldn't say everything to Dean. Castiel usually left out the parts where he asked God to protect Dean and Sam (well just to be on the safe side), for he knew it would make Dean scoff and spit out that God didn’t care about them because if He did, where the hell was He throughout their lives? And Castiel did not care for a repeat of that conversation. He didn't have an answer for Dean that he would accept.
But Dean didn't just get Castiel to talk, but also listened and empathized (as best as he could) and offered solutions and support in the most tangible way. Dean just breathed out hard after he had listened to him and called him some nickname. (Chatty McChattypants for one, though Cas did not understand the need for repetition. Or perhaps it was intentional. He was still working on his "people skills".)
Sometimes Dean always clapped a hand squarely on his shoulders, but he always, always told him that they would figure out in the end. He may not give Castiel a clear solution or answer, but he always reminded him that he was not alone in figuring things out.
But it wasn't just when he felt the need to 'unload his feelings' (as Dean said) that Castiel liked to talk to Dean. Dean was funny and odd and passionate - he spoke of the music he listened to and sometimes sang for him or made him listen to songs he liked; he spoke of the 'best burgers and pies throughout America'; he spoke of the motels they lived in and how they got the money to do so; sometimes he spoke about (well laughed his words out, more accurately) the funny incidents during a hunt - one where Sam had lost his luck after touching a rabbit's foot was his favourite story to tell; he spoke of the people he met on the road.
When he was more... intoxicated, he spoke of walking away from "all the supernatural crap" but that he found that it was all he knew and was great at; he spoke of Sam and how he was such a 'dorky kid'; how their father had been really proud of Sam going to Stanford. He spoke of John and how they shot green bottles at hunting ranges for target practice. He always subconsciously circumvented the bigger things weighing down on his heart and mind though - but Castiel didn't mind the omissions so much, as long as Dean did not fall under the weight.
There wasn't another way to say it. Relief, comfort, remission, deliverance - he couldn't put a single word to how talking to Dean was like. He only knew how it felt after their talks. Talking to Dean always left him feeling better, reassured - their bond strengthening with every conversation.
It was probably why Castiel's most favourite trait of Dean's was his listening.