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Doubts, Castiel had - and multiple at that and they weighed down on him with shame and guilt, like he was unworthy of his angelhood for having doubts.
But Balthazar had once told him that having doubts was a good thing; that untested faith was never God’s desire and their Father wanted and still wants faith and hearts that come of their own accord. But Castiel was almost sure this much doubt tipped the scales into unbelief.
And oh Castiel doubted alright; swept up in the whirlwind and struggling with what to do and what to say and how to help the Winchesters as he saw them hold for dear life and onto each other in the storm of spiritual warfare. Confusion had plagued him ever since God had disappeared. He was easily swayed by his brothers and sisters in his attempt for redemption - Metatron's deceit has pointed out that much to him before he was blaming himself and swimming in his guilt again.
But Dean, Dean doubted but would decide how it was going to be. He had reneged against God’s own plans for the Apocalypse, threw out the script, rewrote the ending, recast the actors, upstaged the whole thing to his will. He was not going to let anything that would hurt Sam happen, even if it meant disobeying God Himself.
Dean did not see how brave it looked to Castiel, for he knew nothing other than carrying out the will of God.
Dean never cared ‘who willed what’. He feared not God’s wrath for disobedience. He only knew what was the virtuous thing to do. He knew it deep in his soul, the righteous man that he was. His wise green eyes had seen more than Castiel had seen since the beginning of time. His warrior stance spoke volumes of the type of choice he made and the kind of man he was.
He was a weight tipping the scales from manipulation and into morality; a rock in the quicksand of confusion.
One would think God’s soldiers would have the best “moral compasses” (as Dean said) and they would have no doubts - (that was what faith was, wasn’t it?), but they only followed orders given on high and these orders were pure; sanctioned by God Himself.
But now, even past events proved that Dean had more rectitude than his brothers and sisters. How dust from the earth had more morality and conviction than figures of celestial intent (even himself) struck Castiel with awe.
Dean cared for what he knew was right and stood his ground. Castiel had to admire such conviction, for angels were beings of God’s will and conviction and not of their own. He and all the angels were never made to make their own decisions - it was precisely the reason why Heaven itself was empty now.
Castiel longed for the days he lacked such conviction, for it had let to his massacres upon heaven. He knew not what he was even thinking, playing God when he had no idea what to do or what would happen. He had hung multitudes of his brothers and sisters with the rope of free will he took and now tied the noose around his neck as penance. Purgatory was his penance, but it only hurt more. He wondered if Cain had felt so strongly as he did in his shame and guilt when he was cast out.
Even as Castiel tried to make amends for his mistakes (like disappearing on the Winchesters), he doubted greatly that they would accept him back. He greatly doubted that he could ever fix his misguided attempt to close the gates of Heaven. Now he had more bad choices weighing on his conscience, and he needed to fix it. Fast. He could not begin to fathom the pain and sense of desertion weighing on his brothers and sisters, even as it did on him. There would be nothing that could ever ease his conscience now, not even taking on Sam or Dean’s guilt.
Centuries of mankind making choices on their own free will had made them good at it, even when they struggled with it. And Dean was one of the most honourable people he had ever met.
Maybe that’s why God put Castiel with Dean Winchester, to help him then through the apocalypse and now that all the angels had fallen. Maybe He knew he would doubt, would fall so far down, from belief and from grace. And that Dean Winchester would be the one Castiel trusted to choose and guide him to the right path.
But he needed to find Dean again, to ask him to help make the right choices. Castiel needed the righteous man to guide him; for him to guide Castiel gently by the hands to the small gate and the narrow path to grace once again.
Castiel liked how he could never doubt Dean's motives and choices, for they were sure to be righteous. It made Dean Winchester the clear North on Castiel's moral compass.