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Falling. Wind rushing through his outstretched hand, begging for someone just out of reach. Someone whose silhouette stood just over the edge, hazy and getting further away by the second. Someone who he knows pushed him but he can’t bring himself to blame, someone he was trying to protect.
Then, the overwhelming feeling of something tearing. Not something physical, like a cord tied to his soul being stretched too thin and unraveling. It hurts. It burns and he can’t scream. He hears someone call his name, desperate, a cry for help. He knows the voice. Someone important, so very important. But he can’t remember. He can’t remember and it hurts, he can’t call back to them. He can’t save them now. He can’t-
Avery wakes up with a gasp, tears streaming down his face, instinctively clutching his chest. This wasn’t the first time he’s had this dream, but it hurt all the same. The hollow feeling in his chest, the sensation he’s forgotten something. Someone. And if he just remembered, maybe he could be ok again.
—
Avery was not looking forward to returning to school after winter break. Not that this was a ground breaking experience, every student regardless of age has felt that. But this was different, he wasn’t sure if he could handle it. He frankly wasn’t sure if he could explain to any professor why he’d go into fight or flight at the sight of a highlighter. He already couldn’t explain it to himself.
It happened on New Year’s Day. Avery woke up feeling as if Atlas himself decided he was retiring from carrying the sky on his back and unceremoniously handed it off to Avery’s soul. He wasn’t even a particularly spiritual person until that morning, and would have shrugged off the concept of souls and whatnot. But the overwhelming sensation that someone had reached into the very fiber of his being and shoved it under a hydraulic press rendered him immobile for most of that day. Curled into a tight ball, hardly acknowledging the tears streaming down his face. And he didn’t know why.
Why why why. Why was he hurting? What happened? But the longer he thought, the more blanks he drew up. He couldn’t remember anything that happened on New Year’s Eve. And even before that… There were large expanses of blank space in his memory, days, months of his life just. Gone.
Avery blinked hard, forcing the thoughts back. He needed to rip himself out of bed and stock up on notebooks and such for classes. And spiral proof his supplies, because he couldn't afford a public mental breakdown. He deeply regretted not taking classes online, but trying to reschedule this close before classes was a nightmare waiting to happen. So he had to make this work. Hell, maybe he could make some actual friends this semester, he could use that sort of distraction right now. But who would want to be friends with a disaster- nope. No, Avery wasn't going down that rabbit hole again.
—
Lo and behold, Avery did not end up going shopping. He was busy being unproductive. The only thing he managed to do was take care of his plants. He convinced himself that going to class and seeing people would make him feel normal again, and he'd shop after. The first week of classes was usually a lot of nothing anyways, he could survive with a single notebook.
Avery stared himself down in the mirror. Tired, strained eyes stared back at him, his eyes seemed gold around the rim. His hair unkempt and bedridden, his hair looked faded at the roots. He splashed water across his face, focusing on the cool sensation on his skin for a moment, breathing deeply before focusing on making himself presentable. Like someone who hadn't been displaced in his own life. He'd rather not scare people away.
The walk to class was surprisingly refreshing. It's so easy to underestimate what fresh air can do for you. It didn't fix him, but it cleared his mind just a little. Listening to the chatter of passerbyers, admiring the flowers along the sidewalk, feeling the breeze on his skin. He felt normal for a moment. But alas, good things come to an end, and he had a class to attend and probably zone out in.
It was auditorium seating, with the borderline useless pull out side tables. The exact type of seating arrangement that made class feel 100% optional. If all his classes were like this, he was doomed to fail. The room was still pretty empty, only one or two other students who had claimed seats in the far back and were already nose deep in their laptops. Avery took a neutral middle row, deciding that if he liked the professor, he'd sit further up next time. Then he anxiously watched the doors.
Avery realized his subconscious was waiting for someone a moment too late. He had no reason to be watching people come in, he had no friends. So why...?
And then he walked in.
For Avery, it felt like the entire world tilted steeply inwards, his stomach dropping in rapid freefall. He gripped the edges of the flimsy table like his life depended on it, like if he let go he'd slip away into an endless abyss and take this stranger with him.
He was making direct eye contact with him. A silent stare down charged with an emotion he couldn't quite place. It felt like it lasted both for forever and only a moment.
A blink, and it was over.
Avery barely processed him nearly tripping on the stairs and sitting down a few seats away. If he had noticed Avery's reaction, he didn't say anything. He stayed remarkably neutral, albeit perhaps a touch embarrassed, rummaging through his bag to grab a notebook and pointedly not looking at anyone.
—
Derek, who's name he caught from the professor doing attendance, is pretty. Pretty quiet, he corrects himself, now is not the appropriate moment to be gay. He's quiet, the professor almost missed him saying here. He kept his head down for the most part, as if he was attempting to be as unnoticeable as possible, to disappear into the sea of chairs and students. He was very attentive to his notes, filling just about the entire page with information. Although Avery could just barely discern a small doodle in the corner of the page, but wasn’t able to make out what it is. Cute. A lock of hair had escaped his ponytail and hung loosely beside his face, framing his focused expression perfectly. Derek is the kind of pretty that is criminally unfair. It's a natural,“I put the bare minimum effort to look like this” sort of pretty. It took all of Avery’s nerves and confidence to start a conversation with him during this break in class.
“Hey, so… Derek, right?” Avery started, quietly. He tried not to cringe seeing Derek subtly flinch at being spoken to. “I don’t think I’ve seen you around before.”
“I take all my classes online… Most of my classes are online.” Derek answered cautiously, correcting himself.
“Man, I can’t imagine this online, how do you even pay attention?” Avery paused, looking around, “Not that this is much better.”
“My one in-person class, and it’s using the worst possible teaching arrangement.” Derek rolled his eyes but smiled, which Avery grinned widely at, “Just my luck, huh?”
“That is pretty awful,” Avery agreed.
It was quiet for one unbearable moment.
“I… didn’t catch your name before.”
“Guess.” Derek blinked at him.
“Wh… what?” He stumbled over his words, not expecting that reply.
“I want you to try to guess! Come on, it’ll be fun! At the very least I’ll know what name I'd look like I’d have” Avery tilted his head with a grin and a quiet chuckle, watching Derek’s expression shift as he thought for a moment. He went to speak a few times but stopped himself, taking this far too seriously, like it was the most important decision in the world. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a breath before answering.
“Avery.” Derek said this with a finality and confidence, however his eyes betrayed his voice, a twinge of uncertainty flickering behind them. Avery’s mouth went agap.
“How- ok ok no, you totally heard the professor call my name. You did not just pull that out of thin air.” Avery shook his head dramatically, trying to ignore how his heart froze for just a moment hearing Derek say his name. Derek sat up a little straighter, a small but smug grin finding its way onto his face.
“I did not.” His smile wavered, glancing away and mumbling “not consciously, anyways.”
“Yeah, yeah ok. Avery, my name's Avery, you got it right. And I have to somehow pretend like you didn’t just do the coolest trick I’ve seen all month” he didn’t need to know this is probably the first time he’s left the house all month and thus was an incredibly low bar. He didn’t need to know that.
“It’s not that cool” Derek shook his head, waving off the compliment, “It was a lucky guess.”
“I’m simply the most Avery to ever Avery in existence, I suppose” he feigned illness, as if this was the most tragic fate in the world.
Derek laughed. He tried to fight it at first, before covering his mouth and laughing quietly into his hands. And Avery considered putting this on a trophy as his own personal greatest achievement.
“Alright, sure, we can go with that” Derek managed to respond, his voice still light from laughter. Before their conversation could continue, the professor called their attention back to the front. Avery shot Derek a dramatic look of despair before returning to his notes.