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"Into the flood again, salmon tugboat ocelot bay." hummed Jason to himself as he walked down the hall of his apartment building. He had this fucking Alice in Chains song stuck in his head all day but had zero idea what the lyrics were. "So I've made a big mistake, rat wall city once my way."
He jammed the key into his door and opened it to find an eleven year old boy sprawled out on his couch, which at this point in his life had become a pretty regular occurrence... there has got to be a better way to say that.
"Hey Damian." greeted Jason, walking into the living room. Damian sat up, allowing Jason to join him on the couch. "What you doing here? Fight with Bruce again?"
"Not since noon." replied Damian.
"Oh, well that's... good, I guess."
There was an awkward silence before Damian blurted out: "Speaking of birthdays--"
"What?"
"--I'm turning twelve next Friday. Against my demands, Grayson and Pennyworth are organising a... party for me at the manor." Jason had never heard a kid say the word 'party' with such disdain before.
"Not a party guy, huh?" surmised Jason.
Damian crossed his arms and scowled. Very Damian. "No. But if I have to suffer through it, I want you to be there."
"Oh..." Jason scratched the back of his head.
Damian looked at his shoes. "But, I thought-- We're friends aren't we?"
"Yeah, of course." answered Jason. Damian was actually one of Jason's best friends, which should have been really weird but it kind of wasn't. "It's just... I don't set foot in the manor, ever. It's like a thing." Jason had a lot of painful memories in that place, and Bruce was the walking personification of all of those memories.
Damian's scowl somehow deepened. "I demand you come."
Jason smirked a little. "Would if I could, buddy."
"If you're too childish to go somewhere because you're mad at your father then maybe--"
"Bruce is not my father." interrupted Jason, crossing his arms and scowling also.
Damian looked at Jason like he was a camera in The Office. "You have two choices Todd. You can either come to my party or... or else." he warned.
Jason openly laughed in the kid's face, which probably wasn't a very good idea considering he usually carries around a fucking sword. "Look, I--"
"Please." mumbled Damian. "Please come."
Oh, god damn it. "Fine." grumbled Jason. "But if I snap Bruce's neck that's on you."
"Very well then." Damian tried and failed to hide his grin. "By the way, I'm expecting big things from you in the gift department."
"Ok, what have we got so far?" Dick asked.
Tim held the notepad close to his face and began reading. "A sword, a bo staff, some knives, escrima sticks, two swords, a different kind of knife, three swords--"
"Just let me stop you there." interrupted Steph. "Are there any non-weapons on the list at all?"
Tim ran his eyes up and down the list. "Um, no. No there is not."
This brainstorming session was not going very well. Tim, Steph and Dick had been sitting at the kitchen table in the manor for almost two hours and still hadn't come up with a single good idea.
"I mean, we could just get him another weapon." Steph suggested.
"We each already got him one for his last birthday." reminded Dick.
"And Christmas and Easter." added Tim. "He talks to you, Dick. He hasn't mentioned one thing that he wants?"
"Other than not having a party and for you to, quote, "jump off a hundred bridges", no."
"What a sweet kid." said Steph.
"Wait a sec. Why don't we just like, ask him what he wants for his birthday?"
"...I honestly hadn't thought of that." admitted Dick. He sent Damian a text and got a reply seconds later. "A typewriter, new headphones, another iguana and some paintbrushes."
"Looks like my bridge-jumping shoes will remain unused then." joked Tim.
If crickets were indigenous to Gotham, they would have been chirping.
"What?" asked Steph, giggling at how bad that was.
"Shut up, it sounded funny in my head."
"Very funny." drawled Harper.
"No seriously, Damian wants you to be there." insisted Tim. "...Ok that's not true, in any way, but you're a member of the family now." Tim and Harper were sitting on the roof of an apartment building eating Chinese food, legs dangling over the edge. Tonight was Harper's first night on patrol as an official member of the Batfamily.
"When Batman said we were a family I thought it was like, metaphorical." said Harper. "Like the Fast and Furious crew."
"It's actually more like the Addams Family." quipped Tim.
"You do look like Wednesday Addams."
"That's not the first time I've been told that." Tim checked his watch. "It's getting pretty early, we should head home."
"Woah, woah, woah. I thought you were supposed to show me the ropes." complained Harper.
"Did... Did I not?"
"You showed me what to do on patrol, which I pretty much knew already. I want to know about the little things. The day to day minutiae of being in the Batfamily: Why is everyone so hot? When is it acceptable to use 'bat' as a prefix? Was that a cow I saw in the cave the other day?" she inquired.
"No one knows, you'll get the hang of it and yes." answered Tim. "I want to go home and sleep so you only get one more question for tonight."
"Hmm." Harper stroked her chin, feigning pensiveness. "Does Batman ever like, batfart?"
"He tries to pretend like he doesn't but sometimes he slips up."
"Ok, wow. So many follow-up questions."
"I'll give you one."
"What does it smell like?" Harper asked.
"Justice." grunted Tim in his best Batman voice.
Harper laughed way too hard at that, almost falling off the roof and dying because of a fart joke. "I'll never be able to look at Batman the same way ever again. Thanks for that."
"You're welcome, Damian." muttered Harper, even though Damian had not said 'thank you' when she presented him with a card that he quickly tossed aside without even looking up from his phone.
Bruce, Dick, Tim, Cass, Barbara, Steph, Alfred, Harper and of course the birthday boy were all scattered around the living room of Wayne Manor for the party. Damian allowed a maximum of one banner and four balloons to ensure the occasion never got too festive for his liking. Streamers, party hats, pinatas and decorations of any kind were vehemently prohibited.
"Damian." scolded Dick. "What do you say to Harper?"
"Why are you here?"
"Don't be a smartass. Say thank you."
"When is Todd getting here?" questioned Damian, completely ignoring the request and crossing his arms. Within seconds of him asking that, the doorbell rang.
"I believe that's Master Jason now." surmised Alfred, heading out of the room towards the front door.
"Hey people and Bruce." said Jason moments later when he entered the living room. He turned to Alfred and smiled. "Wow, he let you put four whole balloons up."
"I haggled them down from ten." boasted Damian.
"Master Damian drives a hard bargain."
"Where is my present, Todd?" quizzed Damian.
"Shit, I knew there was something I forgot." joked Jason, smacking his forehead with his palm.
Somehow Damian was not amused by this. "...Seriously where is my present."
"It's in the trunk of my car, wanna come out and help me bring it in?" asked Jason.
"-tt- Obviously." huffed Damian, walking after Jason outside.
Once they were out of earshot, Barbara turned to Dick. "Do you think Damian realises he has a crush on Jason yet?"
"Wait, Damian has a crush... on Jason?" asked Bruce.
"Are you kidding? Aren't you like, The World's Greatest Detective or something?" wondered Tim.
Jason and Damian returned from Jason's car, ending the conversation about them. Damian was holding a guitar, trying desperately to hide the fact that he was beaming. "Todd got me a guitar." he explained. "And he's going to teach me how to play."
"But--" Tim stopped himself when he saw the look Damian was giving him. It clearly stated: 'If you say that I am already a skilled guitar player and take away this chance for me to spend more time with Todd I will beat you to death with this guitar and then get Batcow to shit all over your corpse.' Or at least something to that effect.
'So he definitely knows he has a crush on Jason.' thought Tim.
"Ew. Does it smell like justice to anyone else in here?" asked Harper.