Archive of Our Own

Carina didn’t have any family left.

Not really.

Her brother was dead. Her mother was dead. Her father was no longer part of her life, so he might as well have been dead too. There were other people somewhere in Italy—aunts and cousins whose names she could barely remember—but Carina didn’t speak to them. Some had died during Covid. Others had simply drifted too far away, their memories carried by the current until they became nothing but vague fragments from the past.

Italy had stopped feeling like home a long time ago. It was a country now—a place that chipped a piece off her heart when she thought about it too long. Maya was her home now. Their kids were her home.

The only person in Italy Carina still cared about was Gabriella.

Gabriella had been Carina’s best friend for so long, and, well, something else for a short time in college, which was something Maya hadn’t liked. Carina still remembered the look on Maya’s face when Gabriella had first barged into their apartment, rambling in Italian before introducing herself to Maya with a smile that showed she was far too pleased with herself. She had provoked Maya on purpose. Carina had known it immediately because, quite frankly, Gabriella was a little shit.

She had watched Maya stand there with her shoulders tense and her jaw set, her blue eyes following Gabriella’s movements like she was an enemy who had entered her territory, and the anger in her gaze had been so sulky that it had been almost child-like, and God, Carina had found it a little too cute.

But then Maya had admitted that she hadn’t really been angry. She’d been scared—that Gabriella knew a version of Carina she never would, that history mattered more than the life they were trying to build together. She had confessed her feelings to Carina in that small, vulnerable way Carina had barely seen in her before, and Carina had loved her a little more after that.

Since then, things had changed. Slowly, of course, because Maya did most emotional things slowly. It had taken years for her to even address her emotions in the first place, instead of tucking them away in the darkest corners of her mind. But eventually, she had warmed up to Gabriella. She even had inside jokes with her now. Mostly, she understood that Gabriella wasn’t an ex to Carina but family, or as close as Carina had left.

Liam was just over a year and a half old now, and he already had more energy than seemed physically possible. He ran more than he walked, stumbling through the house and making Carina’s heart jump into her throat at least fifty times a day. He loved garbage trucks, pressing his nose up against the window whenever he heard one outside. He loved kiwis too, which meant having to explain to him at least five times a day why he couldn’t have another one. 

Andrea was only a little over a month old and already so beautiful it made Carina’s heart pound. She had Maya’s little button nose—the same soft shape Carina had kissed a thousand times in bed—and the faintest blonde curls that Carina loved to run her fingers through. Sometimes, Carina would sit with her for too long and just stare down at her tiny face, unable to understand how something so perfect could have come from a body that now felt so strange and unlike her own.

Carina loved her. 

She loved her so, so much.

But postpartum had hit her harder than expected.

She had thought she would know how to handle it. She was an OB/GYN. She had spent years guiding women through birth and recovery, through pain and hormones. She had told countless mothers that their bodies needed time, that exhaustion didn’t make them failures.

And still, when it came to her own body, her own breastmilk that wouldn’t come the way it was supposed to, all that knowledge seemed to have fled her mind. Breastfeeding had been absolute hell. The pain, the frustration, Andrea crying against her breast while Carina had tried not to cry too, Maya sitting beside her with a helpless expression; it had all been too much. Eventually, they had switched to bottles, and Andrea had been fine. In fact, Andrea had finally been calm and healthy.

Carina knew that mattered most. It was the same thing she had told other mothers a hundred times before. But that didn’t stop shame from crawling beneath her skin. It didn’t stop her from feeling like she had failed at something her body was supposed to know how to do. She’d look in the mirror and barely recognize herself. She was a tired mess with dark circles under her eyes and unwashed hair.

Of course Maya knew. She noticed everything about Carina, often in an annoying way. She saw the way Carina went quiet after feeding attempts, the way her smile had started to disappear. 

At first, she had tried to fix it by being home more, but the station never really let her. They had agreed she would save her leave until Carina went back to work, when they would need it more, and lately the station had been so hectic it felt impossible for her to step away.

“I’m sorry, babe,” she had said more than once while spooning up behind Carina in bed after coming home from another long shift.

Carina had lay frozen, feeling gross with baby vomit still on her clothes. “It’s fine,” she had mumbled, and that response had only made Maya tighten her grip on her.

Eventually, Maya decided that Carina needed a break. 

Italy had been Maya’s idea. At first, she had tried to convince Gabriella to come to Seattle instead, which had made Carina smile despite herself because the idea of Maya voluntarily inviting Gabriella into their home for an extended period of time was truly proof that marriage and children had changed her in ways neither of them could’ve predicted. But Gabriella couldn’t come because of work obligations she couldn’t get out of, so Maya had asked Carina to go to Italy instead. 

At first, the plan had been for all four of them to travel together. Maya had booked the tickets and spent days worrying about baby formula and whether Liam would scream for ten hours straight on the plane. Carina had strangely been the one to reassure her, even though she was the one who felt like her chest might cave in when she thought about leaving the house with both children, though it wasn’t really the traveling that scared her most; there was a heaviness inside of her that paralyzed her and prevented her from doing much of anything.

Then the station got hit with some virus that took out half the team. Maya, who was newly promoted to Captain after Andy’s promotion to Chief, had tried to figure it out. Carina had watched her sit at the kitchen table with her laptop open and Andrea asleep against her shoulder, her brow furrowed as she stared at shift schedules.

But she couldn’t make it work. People were sick. The station was short-staffed, and Maya being Maya couldn’t leave them struggling. So the plan changed. Carina would fly to Italy with Liam and Andrea first, and Maya would follow later. 

Neither of them liked it. Maya actually hated it so much that she spent nearly an hour on the phone with Gabriella the night before Carina left, pacing the bedroom, her free hand rubbing the back of her neck in that familiar anxious tic. Carina could hear pieces of the conversation from the bathroom.

“Make sure she sleeps. And don’t let her pretend she’s fine if she isn’t.”

Carina had paused at that, leaning against the sink, sore and strangely close to tears, listening to her wife give instructions to the woman she had once been so jealous of. It was ridiculous, but it was also love. And Carina, who had lost so much family that the word sometimes sounded foreign, realized none of that really mattered when Maya loved her more than anyone else ever had.

Getting to the airport was absolute chaos.

Maya tried to help as much as she could, even though she had a shift starting soon and her face had morphed into that distracted look Carina knew so well. She loaded the luggage and stroller into the car, muttering under her breath about how no adult and two children should require this much luggage, even though at least half of it had been packed by her.

During the drive, Carina could feel Maya looking at her every few seconds with concern in her eyes—a concern so deep it made Carina’s chest tighten with both affection and exhaustion.

“I’m going to be okay,” she said eventually, turning her head slightly.

Maya bit her bottom lip. “I know you are.”

“Then stop looking at me like that.”

Maya glanced at her again. “I just… Please check in whenever you can. And let Gabriella feed you, okay? Like real food, not just a piece of Liam’s banana.”

Carina sighed. “Maya—”

“And let her take the kids sometimes, even if you think you don’t need it. Let her do it so you can sleep.”

“Maya—”

“And I’ll call whenever I can. I promise. Even if it’s just for five minutes between calls, or after a late shift, or—”

“Bambina, stop. I can do it.”

That finally made Maya grow quiet. Her jaw unclenched just slightly, her eyes flickering toward Carina with a softness that almost hurt. “Of course you can do this, babe,” she said, her voice dropping into something more serious. “I know you can.”

Carina looked out the window, blinking against the burn in her eyes. “Please don’t make this a thing.”

Maya reached out and took her hand anyway, bringing it to her lips and pressing a kiss to her palm. “You’re the best mom. I need you to know that.”

Carina let her head fall back against the headrest. “Maya, please.”

Maya just pressed another kiss to her hand, and deep down, Carina appreciated it.

Traffic was awful. Maya cursed when a car cut them off near the terminal, a loud, “Piece of shit!” falling from her mouth. From the backseat, Liam immediately chirped, “Pee-shit!”, and Carina turned her head so quickly she almost pulled a muscle in her neck.

“Liam, no.”

Liam kicked his feet, obviously delighted with himself. “Pee-shit!”

Maya’s eyes widened. “Oh my God.”

For the first time all morning, Carina laughed. Maya looked at her and smiled, as if hearing Carina laugh finally meant she could breathe again.

When they pulled up, there wasn’t much time for a proper goodbye. It was hectic with other cars lining up and people getting out. Andrea had started fussing, her face scrunching as she let out a tired cry, and Carina held her against her shoulder as she tried to soothe her. Maya quickly grabbed the bags and as she slammed the trunk shut, Carina caught a glimpse of the wetness gathering in her eyes that she was clearly trying to hide.

Carina’s stomach twisted, knowing how guilty Maya felt for having to leave them behind.

“Maya…” she started softly, but a car honked behind them.

Maya forced a smile and stepped forward, pressing a kiss to Carina’s lips. “I’ll call you.”

Carina nodded, even though her throat felt like sandpaper. “Okay.”

“I love you.”

“I love you,” Carina echoed, watching as Maya kissed their children.

Inside the airport, the chaos was worse. Liam kept trying to run in the opposite direction, refusing to sit in the stroller, as if he had decided that now was the perfect time to test Carina’s patience. By the time they finally reached the gate, Carina’s back ached and her head felt like it might explode. Liam whined for snacks, running around the seats in circles until Carina finally gave up and let him watch Paw Patrol on the tablet. She immediately felt bad about it because of screen time and judgement from other people about her not being able to handle her own toddler for half an hour without help from a stupid cartoon.

She knew one episode wouldn’t ruin him. She knew that mothers did what they had to do. And still, she sat there with Andrea against her chest and Liam pressed against her side, his eyes glued to the screen, feeling like she had failed another test.

At least they got on the plane. 

Andrea slept through most of the flight, waking only for a feeding before settling again. Liam complained for the first hour and had a meltdown when he dropped his toy garbage truck and it went rolling down the aisle. Then eventually, he gave up fighting sleep and curled against Carina with his head in her lap. 

Carina brushed her fingers through his hair and tried to ignore the heaviness that sank into her gut like a stone. She stared out the window. The sky had turned dark outside, and she caught her own reflection looking back at her. As she stared at her tired face, she tried not to think about Maya alone in Seattle, walking into another shift while worried sick about her wife and children.

The heaviness only lifted a little when they finally arrived.

Gabriella was waiting in the arrival hall, waving dramatically when she spotted them.

Liam saw her first and ran off before Carina could stop him.

“Gabri!” he shouted, and Gabriella crouched down just in time to catch him as he crashed into her arms. She laughed and pressed kisses into his hair before looking up at Carina. The moment she did, her entire expression changed.

“Oh, tesoro,” she murmured, standing up and pulling Carina into her arms, Andrea tucked safely between them. “I’ve got you.”

And for some reason, that made Carina cry.

“I’m fine,” she whispered, her lips quivering.

Gabriella brushed a kiss against her cheek. “Of course you are.”

Getting to the car was another ordeal. 

Gabriella stared at the luggage and raised an eyebrow. “Did you bring your entire wardrobe or just half of it?”

Carina wiped at her face, grateful for Gabriella’s attempt to lighten the mood. “No. This is Maya panic packing for the kids.”

Gabriella laughed and unlocked the car. “That makes more sense.”

“She packed three kinds of thermometers.”

“Of course she did.” Gabriella glanced at her while shoving a suitcase into the trunk. “How is she coping with letting you travel alone?”

Carina sighed tiredly as she shifted Andrea against her. “She hates it.”

“I thought so.”

“She called you for over an hour.”

“Yes,” Gabriella said dryly. “I was there.”

Carina couldn’t help but smile.

They somehow got the children into the car. Gabriella had gotten car seats installed, which made warmth bloom in Carina’s chest. Liam chattered happily as Gabriella buckled him in, switching between English and Italian.

“Macchina [car],” he said proudly.

“Sì, amore,” Carina said, flashing him a smile. “Bravissimo.”

He had been slower with words than some children his age, but they hadn’t really been concerned about it because he was being raised with two languages, so they knew that could make things come differently at first. Still, every Italian word made Carina happy because even when Italy no longer felt like home, some part of it still lived in their children.

Gabriella’s apartment was big. There was plenty of space for all of them. The guest room had fresh sheets, and Gabriella had even set up a small crib beside the bed for Andrea with a soft pink blanket folded over the edge. There was a basket of diapers on the dresser. There were wipes and even sunscreen.

Carina stood in the doorway for a moment, feeling tears well in her eyes.

“Oh, no,” Gabriella said behind her. “Don’t cry over diapers. That would be dramatic, even for you.”

Carina let out a breathless laugh. “I’m not crying.”

“You are.”

“I’m tired.”

Gabriella’s voice softened. “I know.”

And apparently that meant taking over completely because Gabriella barely gave her time to put Andrea down before she was pushing her toward the bathroom.

“Shower,” she ordered. “Then sleep.”

“Gabri—”

“No. Shower. Sleep. I have the children.”

“Liam is jet-legged and Andrea needs—”

“Andrea needs milk and a clean diaper and cuddles. I can manage all three. Now go.”

Carina was too exhausted to fight. The hot water helped more than she thought it would, soothing the ache in her shoulders and washing the sweat off her skin. By the time she crawled into bed, she could barely keep her eyes open.

She startled awake hours later, and for one moment, she didn’t know where she was.

Then she saw Andrea sleeping in the crib beside her, one of her tiny fists curled near her face, and the pounding of her heart slowed. Her phone was buzzing on the nightstand, and when she picked it up, she saw bambina on the screen.

She was still half-asleep when she answered. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Maya said, and Carina could hear noise in the background.

Carina pushed herself up on one elbow. “Are you still at work?”

“Yeah. Something came up.”

“Your shift’s supposed to be over.”

“I know.”

“Maya—”

“It’s fine,” Maya said quickly. “I’m fine. How was the flight? How are the kids?”

Carina was silent for a moment, because she knew Maya was trying to shift the focus. “The flight was long,” she admitted. “Andrea slept through most of it. Liam complained until he exhausted himself.”

Maya chuckled softly. “Sounds like him.”

From somewhere outside the bedroom, Carina could hear Liam shrieking with laughter. She bit the inside of her cheek before saying, “He’s playing with Gabriella now.”

“Good,” Maya said, and Carina could hear the smile in her voice. “That’s good.”

“Andrea is asleep.”

“And you?”

Carina swallowed. “I slept a little.”

The breath Maya let out sounded so relieved it hurt. “I’m glad.”

Carina wanted to tell her she missed her. She wanted to say the bed felt too big, that everything felt too difficult without Maya’s hand finding hers. But Maya already felt guilty. Carina could picture her standing in the middle of the station on no sleep and still trying to hold it together for Carina across the world.

So she only said, “You need to rest too.”

“I will.”

“Liar.”

“Maybe,” Maya admitted, and Carina smiled even if nothing was funny.

The first two days passed like a fever dream.

Carina was there, but it felt like she was watching from the outside in. Her body moved through Gabriella’s apartment on auto-pilot. She changed diapers and warmed bottles, checking on Liam too often, while she kept preparing for something to go wrong. Every time Andrea made a sound, Carina was up before she could stop herself. Every time Liam got quiet, Carina looked at him. Every time Gabriella reached for one of the children, Carina had to force herself not to hover.

It was the second afternoon when Gabriella intervened. Carina was standing in the kitchen with Andrea tucked against her shoulder after a feeding when Gabriella walked in.

“Go outside,” she said.

Carina frowned. “What?”

“Outside. There’s a terrace around the corner. Sit in the sun. Have a drink. Be a person for one hour.”

Carina’s organs twisted uncomfortably. “I can’t just leave.”

“You’re not leaving. You’ll be five minutes away from here while I watch the kids.”

“But—”

“Carina. Go.”

So Carina went. She sat alone at a small table with a drink, and she hated it at first. She wasn’t used to the silence. She was used to having Andrea against her chest, to Liam bouncing around her constantly. But now she was by herself, waiting for a cry or a question that never came. 

But the longer she sat there, the more she began to relax. The sun warmed her face. Her drink was nice and cold. People passed by on the street, laughing and chatting. And for a little while, she remembered that she existed outside of motherhood.

That evening, after both kids were asleep, Carina sat on the couch with Gabriella, the baby monitor clutched in her hand. She stared at the black and white image of Andrea’s crib even though she had checked ten times already.

Gabriella watched her closely. “What is going on, tesoro?”

Carina didn’t look up. “Nothing.”

“Don’t treat me like an idiot.”

That made the corners of Carina’s mouth twitch. She didn’t want to say anything, but after a moment, words started spilling out anyway. “I’m so tired, Gabriella.”

Gabriella’s face softened. “I know.”

“And it’s harder than I thought it would be,” Carina continued. “All of it. My body feels strange. I don’t feel like myself. I thought because I knew what happens, because I have seen this so many times, that I would be better at it.”

“At being postpartum?”

“At everything,” Carina said, letting out a shaky breath. “At recovering. At feeding Andrea. At being patient and… happy. I love them. I love them so much.”

“I know.”

“But sometimes I feel trapped inside my own body. And then I feel guilty because Andrea is perfect and Liam is perfect and Maya is trying so hard. She’s exhausted too, and she keeps looking at me like she’s afraid I’ll break.”

Gabriella shifted closer. “You’re her world.”

Carina’s eyes filled as she looked down at the monitor and saw Andrea’s small body. “I feel like a terrible wife.”

“Why?”

“Because we haven’t had sex in ages.”

Gabriella’s eyebrows lifted. “Carina, you had a baby one month ago.”

“I know that.”

“From your vagina.”

“Thank you, doctor. I remember.”

Gabriella smiled. “I’m just checking because you seem confused.”

Carina let out a tired breath and wiped at her face. “I know it’s stupid, okay? But when I was pregnant, I felt like a whale, so we stopped having sex then too. My ankles were swollen, my back hurt. Nothing felt sexy. And now Andrea is only a month old and everything is barely healed and I still feel wrong.”

“You feel changed,” Gabriella replied softly. “And you’re afraid Maya will look at you differently.”

Carina’s throat tightened. “She says she doesn’t. She says I’m beautiful. She says all the right things.”

“Because she means them.”

Carina’s chin wobbled. “I know.”

Gabriella reached out and gently pried the monitor from Carina’s hand, placing it on the coffee table. “Listen to me,” she said. “You’re not failing because you’re tired. You’re not failing because breastfeeding was difficult. You’re not failing because your body needs time. And you’re definitely not failing because you’re not having sex while your body is still recovering from giving birth.”

Carina glanced away, heat rising to her cheeks.

“Maya loves you,” Gabriella added. “She loves you. All versions of you. And you’re allowed to need time. You tell other women this every day, don’t you? So maybe try believing it when it’s about you.”

Carina swallowed the lump in her throat. “I hate when you’re reasonable.”

Gabriella laughed and reached for her hand. “You need to tell Maya how you feel.”

“I do tell her.”

“No, you tell her pieces that won’t scare her too much.” Gabriella tilted her head. “That woman is worried sick about you. She was very intense on the phone. I was given instructions about your food, your sleep, your emotional state, and even your caffeine intake.”

Carina couldn’t help but smile.

Gabriella’s eyes softened. “She loves you.”

“I know,” Carina said quietly. “And she has been taking such good care of me, even when she is scared too. I know she’s tired and trying not to show it.”

“Then let her in. She just needs you to let her love you.”

Carina didn’t know what to say to that, so she only sat there, holding Gabriella’s hand and watching the baby monitor. 

The call came the next evening.

Carina was in the kitchen, washing bottles by the sink while Gabriella finished up putting Liam’s toys away in the living room. Both children were finally asleep—Andrea in the crib, Liam in the small bed Gabriella had made up for him. Carina was looking forward to an easy evening consisting of tea and maybe a phone call with Maya.

What she got instead, was a call from Ben Warren.

Carina stared at the screen as she dried her hands on a towel. Her stomach dropped all the way to the floor, her body instantly recognizing that Ben wouldn’t be calling unless it was for something serious. Her instincts immediately braced for bad news.

“Ben?” she answered.

The hospital noises on the other end were unmistakable. 

“Carina,” Ben said, the tone of his voice making the blood drain from her face. “Okay, first, don’t freak out.”

Carina’s mind flashed back to Jack’s voice, telling her not to freak out before explaining that he had brought Maya to the hospital. That same awful ice-cold terror slid up and down her spine.

“What happened?”

Ben exhaled, and that was when Carina knew it wasn’t just bad but worse. “There was a hotel fire. Maya fell through the roof while saving her probie.”

Carina’s hand slipped from the counter, clutching the back of a chair instead. “What?”

“She’s alive,” Ben said quickly. “She made it through surgery. She’s in the burn ICU now.”

“Surgery?” Carina repeated, her ears ringing. “What surgery?”

“She has second and third-degree burns over her arms, torso, and legs. Around twenty-five percent of her body surface.”

Carina’s lungs seized functioning. “No.”

“Carina—”

“What else?”

“She also has an open comminuted tibial fracture. They placed a fixator and Amelia worked on the nerve damage in her leg. They were able to get her to the OR quickly.”

Carina’s stomach churned, nausea sweeping through her so fast her knees trembled.

“Why didn’t you call me?” she asked, her voice sounding so broken she barely even recognized it. “Why didn’t you call me before?”

Ben was silent. 

“Ben.”

He sighed. “Maya asked us not to.”

For a second, Carina thought she had heard wrong. Then fury burst through her veins. “She what?”

“She told me you were in Italy with the kids. She didn’t want to scare you.”

Carina let out a bitter laugh that sounded more like a sob. “Are you kidding me? She was burned over a quarter of her body and taken into surgery, and nobody called her wife?”

“I know.”

“No.” Her voice cracked, and her hand flew to her hair in frustration. “You do not know, Ben. I am her wife. I should have known. I should have been told.”

Ben released another sigh, and she could hear the guilt in it. “I’m sorry.”

“Is she awake?”

“Not yet.”

“I want to speak to her.”

“I know, but she’s still unconscious.”

Carina’s legs gave another tremble, and she had to sink into a chair. “What exactly happened? Tell me.”

Ben told her everything. He told her about the fire, about Maya going after her probie, about falling through the roof. He told her about the burns being debrided while Link worked on her leg and Amelia worked on the nerve damage. Carina had to swallow back the bile that rose in the back of her throat when Ben told her about Maya’s temperature dropping, her urine output dropping. She was crying openly by the time he told her about the bandages wrapped around Maya’s body—the same body Carina had kissed and memorized so well.

“She was helping her probie?” she whispered when Ben was done.

“Yeah,” Ben said softly. “She saved him.”

Carina squeezed her eyes shut, causing the tears to spill faster. Maya throwing herself into the fire for someone else tracked, and it made everything hurt worse. 

“I need you to tell me the second she wakes up,” she said. “The second, Ben. Not when you think it’s a good time or when Maya tells you.”

“I will.”

“And if anything changes, you call me.”

“I will.”

Carina tried to inhale, but it hurt too much. “Tell her I love her.”

“I promise.”

The call ended, and Carina just sat there for a while, as if Ben’s words hadn’t fully settled into her consciousness yet. Then a sob tore out of her so violently that her whole body shook from it. Gabriella was beside her instantly. 

“What happened?”

Carina shook her head, the words coming out breathlessly. “Maya. There was a fire. She fell. She is—she’s burned. Her leg is broken. She had surgery.”

Gabriella’s face paled. “Oh my God.”

“I need to go,” Carina rushed out. “I need to go to the airport. I need a flight now.”

“Carina—”

“I need to get to her.”

“I know.”

“No, you don’t,” Carina snapped, panic blinding her. “She’s alone! She will wake up after surgery with Ben there. Ben. Not me. She told him not to call me, for fuck’s sake. She thought she was protecting me. She is so goddamn stubborn!”

Gabriella reached for her, but Carina was already pushing herself upright.

“I need my passport. Where’s my bag?”

“Tesoro, stop.”

“I can’t.”

“Yes, you can,” Gabriella said more firmly now. “The children are asleep. You don’t have a plane ticket. You’re shaking so badly you can hardly stand.”

“I don’t care.”

“Maya would care.”

Carina flinched.

Gabriella softened her tone slightly. ”Maya would want you to breathe first.”

Carina choked back a sob. “Don’t.”

“Carina, I’m trying to keep you from collapsing on the way to the airport.”

Carina covered her mouth with her hand, sobbing into her palm.

“Hey,” Gabriella whispered, stepping closer. She placed her hands on Carina’s shoulders. “We will look at flights. We will figure this out. But not like this, okay? Not while you’re in a state of panic and your kids are asleep.”

“I need to be there,” Carina said, but the fight was draining out of her, replaced by pure heartbreak.

“And you will. Just not right this second.”

Carina’s shoulders hunched, her knees quivering again, but before she could fall, Gabriella pulled her in. 

“She’s my wife,” Carina sobbed against her best friend’s shoulder. “I can’t believe this.”

Gabriella held her tightly, whispering in her ear. “I know. I know.”

Carina didn’t sleep. She tried because Gabriella basically forced her to lie down, but every time she closed her eyes, she pictured burns and bandages and the bone in Maya’s leg held together by metal. The thought of Maya unconscious and alone on the other side of the ocean made Carina want to throw up.

So she gave up and started pacing. Her phone was clutched in her hand, and every few seconds she checked it, even though she had the volume turned on. The longer it took for Ben to call, the more anger began to build within her.

They should’ve called her.

Ben should’ve called her.

Maya should’ve never been allowed to make that decision, when she was burned and in shock, lying in an ER trying to be brave because of course Carina’s stubborn, self-sacrificing idiot of a wife had decided that Carina’s fear was more important than her own body falling apart.

It was so typical that Carina wanted to scream.

“Maya, you fucking idiot,” she whispered into the dark, immediately pressing a hand over her mouth as a fresh sob escaped her.

Because she knew exactly why Maya had made this choice. She knew Maya had done it because she was worried about Carina. She had seen Carina crying and struggling to get out of bed, flinching when Andrea cried too long. Maya had been terrified that one more thing would make Carina collapse completely, and in her own broken way, she had tried to protect her.

And that made Carina feel sick.

Because she wanted to protect Maya too. She wanted to be there. She wanted to hold Maya’s hand, smooth her hair back, and tell her she was safe. She wanted to be the first thing Maya heard when she woke up instead of Ben’s voice.

She wanted her wife.

But Gabriella was right. She couldn’t just take off with two sleeping children and no plane tickets. So she stayed put, and Gabriella stayed awake with her and sat behind her laptop, searching for flights.

“What do I tell them?” Carina asked at one point. “What do I tell Liam?”

“Something simple.”

“He will know something’s wrong.”

“He’s young. He’ll know you’re upset, but he won’t know everything.”

“I can’t bring them to Maya like this.” Carina’s stomach lurched again. “I can’t let them see her covered in bandages. She’s in the burn ICU. Liam can’t see that. And Andrea—God, she’s just a baby—”

“You will see Maya first,” Gabriella said.

“And then what? I have to drag them across the ocean again. We’ve only just arrived. Liam was so tired, and now I have to put him through another flight.”

Gabriella stood up and walked to the coffee machine. “One step at a time.”

“I don’t know how to do this.”

Gabriella looked at her as if she wanted to cry too. “We will figure it out together.”

Andy called a little after that.

Carina’s anger burned hotter than ever when she picked up the phone. “Where the hell have you been?”

“Carina—”

“No! Why is my wife alone in the hospital? Why did I hear this from Ben after surgery? You are the chief, Andy. You’re responsible for that station! Why did you not call me?”

Andy inhaled sharply. “I didn’t know until after they transported her. I was at another incident across town, and by the time I got to Grey Sloan, she was already in surgery. Ben told me she asked him not to call you until they knew more.”

“And you listened?”

“I wasn’t there when she said it.”

Carina’s whole body shook. “That’s a fucking joke.”

“I’m sorry,” Andy said, sounding depleted. “Carina, I’m so sorry.”

Carina didn’t know what to say. She wanted to scream and shout, but truthfully, she didn’t have the energy. Her whole body felt like it was one second away from giving out on her. 

“Are you coming home?” Andy asked.

“Of course I am,” Carina snapped. “I’m looking for flights.”

“Okay. I’ll take the kids.”

“What?”

“I can pick you up from the airport, or I’ll meet you there with someone else and take Liam and Andrea home with me. You go straight to the hospital. You don’t need to figure that part out.” Andy waited a second, as if she expected Carina to protest, but Carina didn’t. “I know Maya wouldn’t want them seeing her before you know what you’re walking into. And you need to see her. So let me take the kids.”

Carina’s lungs expanded slightly, just enough for her to take a breath. “Okay.”

“Send me the flight information when you have it.”

“Okay.”

The next available flight felt too far away. Seven hours until departure, which seemed like torture with the knowledge of Maya lying in a burn ICU, but it also gave them just enough time to pack and get the children ready before dragging them to the airport. 

The flights were insanely expensive, but Carina’s brain had been too exhausted to even really register the price when Gabriella showed her.

“I don’t care,” she’d said.

And she didn’t. She just wanted to get to her wife.

Morning somehow arrived. Carina’s eyes were swollen from crying. Every time the screen of her phone lit up, her heart stopped. Rage kept coursing through her veins, mostly directed at Maya for making the stupid choice to keep this from her, but then she thought of the way Maya had kissed her hand on the way to the airport, telling her she was the best mom, and her anger turned into grief so quickly it made her head spin.

Her phone buzzed just after sunrise.

It wasn’t a call but a photo of Maya. She was in a hospital bed. Her skin looked pale, her lips slightly parted, a nasal cannula resting beneath her nose. She looked small. And grumpy. So grumpy that Carina let out a laugh before she could stop herself, tears blurring her vision. Maya was hurt and pale and lying in a hospital bed. But she was awake enough to give Ben the grumpiest stare Carina had ever seen.

“What?” Gabriella asked.

“She’s awake,” Carina whispered. 

Her fingers trembled too hard to type. She tried, but she could barely see through her tears, so she ended up just sending a bunch of stupid heart emojis.

Ben replied instantly.

Ben: Maya told me to tell you she loves you.

Carina almost broke into sobs again. Instead, she forced herself to type slowly.

Carina: I booked flights. We leave today. I will be there soon. Please call me before then if she can talk. Please.

Ben: I will.

Telling Liam was dreadful.

He didn’t understand. He sat at the kitchen table in his pajamas, eating a banana, his eyes still squinty from sleep. Carina crouched in front of him, her heart aching with the unfairness of what she was about to do.

“Bambino,” she said softly. “We have to go home today.”

Liam frowned. “No home.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No home,” he repeated, louder this time.

“Something happened at Mommy’s work,” Carina said. “We need to go back to Seattle.”

“Mommy?”

Carina swallowed. “Sì. Mommy.”

Liam looked past her shoulder. “Gabri.”

“I know.”

“No plane.”

“I’m sorry,” Carina said again, guilt nearly shattering her.

“No plane!” he shouted, quickly spiraling into a tantrum.

He screamed until his face turned red, kicking his legs against the chair, crying with fury. Carina felt awful because he was just a child who had been dragged across the world and was now told everything was changing again. Carina tried to soothe him, but her hands were shaking and she was barely holding it together herself.

“Go pack,” Gabriella said quietly. “I have him.”

Carina had never felt so helpless.

After that, everything was a blur. Carina packed in a hurry, shoving everything back into the suitcases. Andrea fussed the entire time, and Liam was hiccupping in Gabriella’s lap, too tired to cry anymore. The drive to the airport barely registered. Carina was vaguely aware of Gabriella hugging her, and then they were heading inside.

In the middle of the terminal, Carina’s phone rang.

“Ben?”

“She’s awake,” Ben said. “Tired, but awake. I’ve got her for a minute.”

Carina’s hand tightened on the stroller. “Put her on.”

She heard some movement, and then the faintest breath. “Carina?”

Maya’s voice sounded hoarse and exhausted, but it was hers.

Carina’s knees nearly gave out. “Maya.”

“Hi,” Maya mumbled.

A laugh burst from Carina’s chest. “Hi? That is what you say to me?”

There was a pause, as if Maya was struggling to find words. “Don’t be mad.”

Carina pinched the bridge of her nose. God, she wanted to yell. She wanted to tell Maya she was furious, that she had terrified her. But Maya sounded so small and tired that Carina couldn’t bring herself to force her through a hard conversation.

“We’ll talk when I get there.”

“Bad talk?”

Carina’s lips pushed into a trembling smile. “Yes. Very bad talk.”

Maya made a soft noise that almost sounded like a laugh. “Might fall asleep.”

“Then fall asleep, bambina. I’m coming.”

“Kids okay?”

“They’re okay.”

“You okay?”

“No,” Carina admitted. “But I will be when I see you.”

Maya’s breathing sounded uneven now. “Love you.”

Carina’s face crumpled. “I love you too. So much.”

Another long pause. Then a soft, “Sorry.”

Carina almost broke again. “Sleep now. I’ll be there soon.”

Ben came back on the line. “She’s drifting.”

“Take care of her.”

“I will.”

Carina hung up. Boarding was starting soon, and Liam was looking up at her with wide eyes. She wished she could make it all better, but she couldn’t. 

They somehow made it through the flight. Carina survived purely on instinct. She fed Andrea when she cried and held Liam when he asked for her. He was quieter than usual. He was such a clever boy, and he seemed to know something was wrong, even if he couldn’t understand what. He leaned against her side with his toy garbage truck in his hands, watching her face intensely.

Carina caressed his cheek. “It’s okay,” she whispered.

Liam rested his head against her arm.

Andy was waiting at arrivals. She had brought one of the probies with her, a young woman Carina barely recognized through the fog in her head. For a second, she could only stare at them while they took the luggage from her. Andy had car seats. Of course Andy had thought about that. Maybe she had borrowed them or bought them—Carina didn’t care. She only stood there, almost dizzy with relief that other people were still capable of thinking.

“I’ve got them,” Andy said softly, reaching for Andrea.

Liam started crying the second Carina bent down to kiss him goodbye.

“No,” he whined, grabbing at her shirt. “Mama, no.”

“I know, amore,” Carina whispered.

Andy crouched beside him, using the gentle voice Carina had only ever heard her use with victims on scene. “Hey, buddy. I got you a new truck. Wanna see?”

Liam was still crying, but his eyes moved toward Andy’s face with intrigue.

“It’s a garbage truck,” Andy added.

That got his attention.

Carina pressed one more kiss into his hair. Then she passed Andy the travel bag with diapers and wipes and changes of clothes, and everything else the kids needed. Maya had packed this bag because Maya always knew how to prepare for everything.

Andy took it and all the luggage too.

“Just go,” she said.

“Thank you.”

Andy nodded. “Go see your wife.”

The probie drove her to the hospital in a separate car. Carina didn’t speak the entire way. She just sat with her phone in her hand just in case Ben would call again. When they arrived, her legs felt like iron, and she could barely get herself to walk inside.

The hospital felt like a foreign place, even though she had worked there for years. She knew these walls and sounds like no other, but she had been gone for maternity leave, away from all of it for months, and now she felt lost. She didn’t feel like a doctor who belonged there. She felt like a wife trying to find the room where they had put the broken half of her heart.

Somehow, she made it to the ICU. 

Miranda found her there. 

“How is she?” Carina asked immediately.

“Still in a lot of pain, but she’s stable.”

“I really want to punch your husband, you know,” Carina said. “But I also want to hug him.”

The corner of Miranda’s mouth twitched. “I often feel that way.”

“Can I see her?”

“Of course.”

Nothing could’ve prepared Carina.

Maya was asleep, her face pale against the pillow, her hair messy around her head. There were wires and monitors. Her arms were wrapped in thick bandages from wrist to shoulder, disappearing beneath the sheet that covered the rest of her body. One leg was elevated slightly. 

For a moment, Carina couldn’t move.

Then she forced herself to sit down in the chair next to the bed. She reached for Maya’s hand, freezing when she realized how little of it she could actually hold. Only her fingers were uncovered. Carina touched them carefully. They were warm, and for some ridiculous reason she couldn’t make sense of, it was the warmth that broke her. She bowed her head over Maya’s hand and cried silently, pressing her lips to the tips of Maya’s fingers.

“I’m here,” she whispered. “I’m here now, bambina.”

Maya woke slowly. Her eyelids fluttered before her fingers twitched weakly in Carina’s grasp. Carina felt it instantly, and she sat up quickly.

“Maya?” she breathed. “Hey. Hey, bambina.”

Maya’s eyes opened, unfocused at first before slowly finding her.

Carina cupped her cheek, her thumb brushing over the skin that was somehow still soft and unmarked. “Hey,” she whispered again.

Maya gave her the weakest, most tired little smile Carina had ever seen.

Carina’s chest almost collapsed. “Do not smile at me, bambina.”

Maya blinked slowly. “Bad talk already?”

Carina shook her head with faint amusement. “Later. Right now I’m too happy you’re alive.”

Maya swallowed, grimacing as if even that hurt. “Good. ‘Cause I’m very drugged.”

“I can tell.”

“And crispy.”

Carina closed her eyes. “Maya.”

“Too soon?”

“Much too soon.”

“Fried Bishop.”

Carina glared at her. “Don’t make me actually smack you in the burn ICU.”

Maya’s smirk faded a little, her eyes glassy. “You came.”

“Of course I came.”

“Kids?”

“With Andy.”

Maya frowned slightly. “Ben saved me.”

“I know.”

Maya’s lips twitched. “He did good.”

“He didn’t call me.”

“I said not to.”

“Yes,” Carina said, her voice breaking despite her attempt to keep it steady. “And that’s why you are also in trouble.”

Maya looked at her. For a moment, a little bit of humor still swam in her gaze, but it was fragile–a shield because being serious would hurt too much. But then the shield lowered entirely, disappearing so suddenly Carina’s heart jumped. Maya’s face crumpled, and she let out a miserable little noise as tears filled her eyes.

“Oh, bambina,” Carina whispered, bending over her as safely as she could, pressing kisses to her cheek, the corner of her mouth. “I’m here. It’s okay.”

Maya’s tears just slid down her cheeks faster. She turned her face toward Carina’s neck, and Carina leaned close enough to hear every broken word that Maya breathed into her ear. 

“I just wanted you to get a break,” she sobbed weakly. “And now…”

Carina closed her eyes, pressing her cheek against Maya’s hair. “Shh, you’re okay.”

“I’m so sorry, Carina.”

“No, don’t say that. It’s okay.”

But Maya was inconsolable. “I’m so sorry.”

Carina kissed her temple, her hand reaching up to cup Maya’s cheek again, wiping away her tears. “You’re an idiot,” she whispered, crying too now. “A stupid, brave idiot. But you’re my idiot. And I’m here now.”

Maya let out a small laugh that quickly dissolved into another sob. Carina stayed folded over her, breathing in her scent, letting her cry into her neck. It didn’t last long. Maya didn’t have the strength. The sobs wore her out quickly, until slowly, they softened into sniffling breaths. Carina didn’t move. She just held Maya as closely as she could, feeling Maya’s damp lashes fluttering against her neck a few times before the tension slipped out of her body and she fell asleep with her face still tucked into Carina’s neck.

Carina didn’t move for a while. Then she carefully pulled back to look at Maya’s face. Her cheeks were wet, and Carina wiped away the tears with her thumbs, her own mouth trembling when she saw how truly exhausted Maya looked. She couldn’t imagine how scared Maya must have been, even if she tried to hide behind jokes.

A knock on the door startled her.

She turned and saw Ben step into the room, holding a cup of coffee. “She asleep?”

Carina nodded. “Wore herself out.”

“Yeah, she’s been doing that.”

He handed her the cup, and she took it. “Thanks.”

Ben gave her a small smile, but it faded quickly as he looked at Maya.

Carina followed his gaze. “Tell me what happens now.”

Ben exhaled slowly. “Burn team will keep monitoring her closely. She’ll need wound care, dressing changes. There’s still a risk of infection, so we’re watching that carefully. Her leg is going to need time too. Ortho and neuro will follow her. The nerve repair went as well as it could, but it’s still too early to know exactly how much function she’ll get back.”

Carina’s stomach churned. “How long?”

“A while.”

“That’s a shitty answer.”

“I know, but it’s the honest one. She’s looking at weeks before she’s anywhere close to leaving the hospital, and then rehab after that. Maybe a lot of rehab.”

Carina looked at Maya’s bandaged arms. “And the burns?”

“They’ll reassess as she heals. Some areas may heal better than expected. Some might need more intervention.”

“Scarring?”

Ben’s face turned grim, which told Carina enough. “She survived something really bad. Let’s focus on that.”

Carina looked at her wife, pale beneath the sheets, and couldn’t bring herself to say anything more.

For the next while, Maya only woke in short bursts.

Sometimes it was just a blink or a confused frown, a few rasped words that made no sense before she drifted again. Sometimes she knew Carina was there and squeezed her fingers weakly. The worst was when she woke in pain, her face twisting and her forehead gleaming with sweat before the medication pulled her back under. And as Carina sat by her side, the anger within her faded. It was hard to stay mad while watching Maya fight her way back to consciousness.

Eventually, Maya woke and stayed awake. Her eyes were still hazy from the medication, but they found Carina and stayed there. 

“Hi,” Maya whispered.

Carina gave her a soft smile. “Hi.”

Maya studied her face. “Bad talk?”

Carina let out a shaky breath. “Yes, bambina. Bad talk.” 

“Damn it.”

Despite everything, Carina smiled. She brushed her thumb along Maya’s cheekbone. “Why did you do it?”

“Fall through a roof?”

Carina gave her a warning look. “You know what I mean.”

Maya’s eyes flickered away. “You were in Italy.”

“I was still your wife in Italy.”

“I know.”

“I don’t think you do. I should’ve known. I should’ve been called right away.”

Maya’s eyes filled again, and Carina’s entire chest ached, but she didn’t stop talking.

“You don’t get to decide I cannot handle loving you,” she said. “You don’t get to take that away from me because you’re scared I’ll fall apart.”

“You were already falling apart,” Maya said, and she seemed to hate herself for even saying it, her gaze not meeting Carina’s. “I saw it. I know you tried to hide it, but I saw it. I wanted you to rest. I wanted you to have Gabriella and sun and sleep and not me being another thing causing you stress.”

“Maya…”

“I know it was stupid.”

“It was.”

“I know.” Maya’s breath hitched and she turned her face away. “But I was scared, Carina. Not just here in the hospital. I was scared before. For weeks. You looked so tired, and I couldn’t fix it, and I kept thinking I was failing you because I had to go to work and you were home with Andrea and Liam, and your body was hurting, and you kept saying you were fine, but you weren’t.”

Carina looked down at their joined hands.

“And then I got hurt,” Maya continued, her voice breaking, “and all I could think was that you finally got away for two seconds and I was going to ruin it. I was going to scare you and make you fly back with the kids and make everything harder. I just… I wanted to spare you. Just until they knew I wasn’t going to die.”

That last word made Carina bent forward, pressing her forehead against Maya’s hand. “Don’t say that.”

“I’m sorry,” Maya whispered.

“I know.”

“I really am.”

“I know, bambina.”

“I just wanted you to get a break.”

Carina lifted her head. “I do not need a break from you.”

Maya looked at her, unconvinced, her fingers squeezing Carina’s weakly.

“I need help,” Carina admitted, the words coming from the depths of her soul and making her want to hide. But she couldn’t. Not anymore. “I need sleep. I need to stop pretending I’m fine. I need to tell you when I feel like my body doesn’t belong to me and when I feel like a bad mother because I couldn’t breastfeed Andrea. I need to tell you that sometimes I am so tired I feel nothing, and then I hate myself because I have two beautiful children and a wife who loves me and I’m still sad.”

Maya’s face softened and tightened with pain at once.

“But I do not need a break from you,” Carina said. “Never from you.”

Maya’s lips parted, but no words came out.

“And I’m sorry too.”

Maya frowned at that. “For what?”

“For making you feel like you had to protect me from the truth. For letting you think I was so fragile you had to be alone.”

Maya shook her head. “You didn’t.”

Carina leaned closer. “I should’ve told you I was struggling. All of it.”

“Babe,” Maya whispered, her arm twitching like she wanted to reach out before her body betrayed her. Her brow furrowed, and it looked like she wanted to protest, but then she just said, “Thank you for telling me now.”

Carina leaned down to press a kiss to her fingers.

“I’m scared,” Maya said, so softly Carina almost missed it. She stared at the ceiling. “I don’t know what my leg is going to do. I don’t know what I’m going to look like, how long I’ll be stuck here. Maybe Liam’s going to be scared of me.”

That tore Carina’s heart apart all over again. “Oh, Maya.”

“And you just had a baby,” Maya whispered. “And now I’m like this.”

Carina moved closer and cupped Maya’s face in both hands. “Listen to me.”

Maya blinked up at her.

“You’re not failing me because you’re hurt and need care,” Carina said, watching as Maya squeezed her eyes shut. “And Liam will not be scared of you. Maybe he’ll be confused. We might have to take it slowly. I will explain your bandages, he will probably ask a million questions, but we’ll get through it.”

Some tears slipped into Maya’s hair.

Carina tenderly wiped them away. “And Andrea is too small to know anything except that you’re warm and safe and hers. The children love you. And I love you. Right now. Always. Bandages and stupid jokes and all.”

Maya opened her eyes. “I look awful.”

“You look alive,” Carina said, pressing a kiss to her mouth, her lips lingering. “And that is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”

Maya let out a soft breath. “Are you still mad?”

“A little.”

“So more bad talks?”

“Probably.”

“Okay.”

“But not because I want to punish you,” Carina said, brushing some hair away from Maya’s face. “But because we cannot do this anymore. You don’t get to protect me by shutting me out, and I don’t get to protect you by pretending I’m fine until you’re terrified to add one more thing.”

Maya nodded slowly. “Deal.”

“Good.”

“Can I sleep now?”

Carina laughed softly. “Yes, bambina. You can sleep.”

“You’re staying, right?”

Carina’s hand found hers again. “I’m not going anywhere.”