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"You hear from the museum curator that he obtained this strange looking mask from an archaeologist named Professor Yukimura at Jinzou University... found upon the island nation of Hoshido in the Pacific Ocean," Leo finished with a dramatic flair and a calculated sweep of his Crypt Keeper cape.
"Shit," cursed Zero immediately. "Out of character. I don't say that to the stuck-up curator guy. My character asks him if Professor Yukimura is the sort worth making an acquaintance of."
"He looks a little surprised that you haven't heard of the Professor already, given the circles Dr. McLovin, PhD of Humanitarian Sciences, tends to run in," Leo answered, deadpan. "He's been head of the critically acclaimed Department of International Humanitarian Efforts for twenty years."
"My credit score isn't good enough to sail the Pacific," Zero groaned. "When would I have met the guy?"
"Are you asking that in-character, or...?" Leo trailed off.
"Yeah, sure, why not," Zero decided.
"He was at the 1899 Academic Convention in California thirty years ago," Leo offered.
"My character was a teenager thirty years ago," Zero snorted. "Like hell I would've been there."
Odin cleared his throat and held a paper before him, "The intrepid young intern, OWEN NIGHT, would like to ask a few questions."
"Out of character," began Leo cautiously, "How many is a few?"
"... eleven?" Odin offered sheepishly.
Leo inhaled, "Gods, Odin."
"OWEN NIGHT leaves no stone unturned, no question unasked," Odin lifted his hand theatrically. "His powers of curiosity are at once his greatest asset and his severest flaw!"
"I thought his severest flaw was being annoying," Zero elbowed him.
"Nay; it is his curiosity and tendency to overpry with his queries that makes him annoying!" Odin announced proudly. He winked, "You're close, but I'm just too good at roleplaying!"
"Well, we can get to yet another Owen Interrogation after dinner," Leo checked his phone. "Or maybe not. Is it really already half past nine? Damn. Have to shower, and change my shirt..."
"Sounds fancy," Zero snorted. "Are you calling your girlfriend with video tonight?"
"Well, no," Leo started, pausing in the midst of removing his costume cape. "I mean. Maybe. I'd like to be ready in case, okay?"
"This is the girlfriend you met online, right?" Odin elbowed him in the ribs. "The one who lives in Canada?"
Zero narrowed his eyes suspiciously, "She only has two pictures on her Facebook. No Twitter or Instagram. And I can't trace her call signal, no matter what I do."
"You're a good hacker, Niles, but not even you can catch everything," Leo rolled his eyes and grabbed his bathing supplies. "As the man famous for leaving zero trace of himself on digital media, I'm sure you know that."
"I'm not saying it's not possible," Zero lifted his arms in surrender. "I'm just saying that it reeks of catfish. No reason to start using... that name."
"You can see the ink bleeding through on the back of our room assignment signs," Odin reminded unhelpfully.
"Your legal name is in the running for worst-kept secret on campus," Leo remarked, grabbing the last of his necessities. "For the third year in a row."
"Yeah, well, your brother still doesn't know it," Zero nudged Leo out the door. "And I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell him."
"I don't have to tell Corrin anything," Leo scoffed. "He'll figure it out. Eventually."
The door shut behind him.
"So!" Odin exclaimed, bounding into their mini-kitchen. "What do you want for dinner? I admit, I have a few different recipes I was thinking of trying out..,"
"No. None of those," Zero answered immediately. "I saw the edible shimmer dust. I saw the food coloring spray. I don't want to shit rainbows and glitter for a week."
"My secret ingredients are just too special for mere mortals such as yourself, I guess," Odin sighed, and laid his hand over his forehead theatrically. "I've got nothing, then."
"You could make scrambled eggs," suggested Zero. "Or mac and cheese. Or...canned soup. Leo might be pissed about that, though. Three hour lecture on the pros of fresh soup over canned goods, and things like that."
"None of those ideas strike me with inspiration," Odin gesticulated. "But if you are so possessed by the muse of the kitchen, then I would relinquish the sacred Culinary Apron of Apartment 54 to thee for one night, and one night only."
"It's your turn to cook, according to the calendar," Zero jerked his head at Leo's acutely organized chore calendar. "Just make mac and cheese if you're out of ideas. It's quick, at least. I'll even cover my other eye when you put in your shimmer dust, or whatever."
"From the boiling waters of the crucible flame shall emerge a stronger mac and cheese than ever before!" Odin seemed immediately brighter. "I shall create: the Golden Halo Macaroni and Cheese of the Holy Grail!"
"Don't forget to use butter this time, o Lord of the Kitchen."
"You are mistaken... I am no Lord, but the RIGHTEOUS AVENGER of the Kitchen!"
I have no idea how I could have confused the two," Zero snorted.
It took ten minutes for dinner to be ready, and in but five more after that, Leo hurried in, freshly dressed. Odin was halfway through with eating, by then. Zero was already washing the dishes.
Leo took a quick bite of it and made a face, "I'm not sure if what I'm tasting is the prepackaged cheese sauce or Odin's latest 'secret ingredient'."
"How about both?" Zero offered, scrubbing a patch of cheesy glitter from the pan.
"Best combination ever," Odin decreed, still stuffing his mouth with macaroni noodles.
"Ugh," Leo made a disgusted face. "Pass the ketchup."
"We're out," Odin shrugged. "You remember, from Zero's meatloaf two days ago? You said the sauce was good."
"... the sauce was just ketchup?" Leo shot a dubious look at him.
"Ketchup and A1 sauce," Zero corrected. He teased, "We still have some A1 left if you want that."
"Never mind," Leo grumbled and begrudgingly consumed the rest of the Golden Halo Macaroni (etc. etc.) upon his plate. "I'm going to go set up the call. And it's my turn to cook tomorrow."
"You shall have free reign of the kitchen, but beware, o friend, of the dark majyycks that lie upon the central pantry shelf!" Odin concealed his face behind his hand. "They are not of this mortal coil."
"For once, Odin," Leo shook his head. "I think you and I are in agreement. Black spray food coloring does not belong on planet Earth."
"The mystic of its pigments were not meant for such weak human minds," Odin added sagely. "Only the Darkness Triumvirate, those who inhabit this very room, are above its powers!"
"I guess that's why Odin felt the need to remove every can from the grocery store," Zero replied, deadpan. "What would the citizens of this town do without you, o Righteous Avenger?"
"Gods, Zero," Leo sighed and put his dishes in the sink. "Don't encourage him."
"Not to be pedantic or anything," Zero's lip twitched upwards. "But you started it."
"I'm going," Leo refused to answer, and took his phone to go sit in his bedroom for the next hour or two and wait for his 'Canadian' '''girlfriend''' to call.
"Mayhaps it be wise to follow my Crypt Keeper's example and call my significant other, too," Odin gesticulated. He winked, "Except, well. Mine isn't made up."
"Isn't Takumi with Corrin and a bunch of other guys on an actual road trip?" Zero shelved the cleaned cookware. "He's probably busy. Or asleep."
"Only one way to find out," Odin shrugged, and dialed him up anyways.
The ring barely stalled once before Takumi picked up. "Thank fuck, Odin. I'm going stir-crazy in here. Talk to me before I punch someone."
"O silver-tressed prince of dawn's light," Odin sprawled across their only table in despair. "What ails you in both mind and soul? My ears are yours. Speak but a word of the sort, and I shall vanquish whichever cares I can."
"If you're going to do that, at least put it on speaker so I know what you're monologuing at at," Zero poked his shoulder.
"Are your roommates with you?" Takumi asked. There was a muffled noise from his end of the line as well.
"Just Zero right now. Leo's busy calling his Canadian girlfriend," Odin encased the words in air quotes, even though Takumi couldn't even see him.
"Gods... he still believes she's real?" Takumi's eyeroll was practically audible. "Whatever. Put me on speaker because I'm only going to talk about this disaster of a day once. You might as well both fill Leo in later."
"It is done," Odin replied, as gravely as if he'd been ordered to kill a man.
"Can you hear me, Zero?" his voice, now slightly crackly, filtered through the phone speakers.
"Yeah," he replied, flopping down in a chair. Odin still laid across the table in their kitchen.
"I need you to tell Leo he was damn lucky he couldn't come on this trip," Takumi impressed. "Because it's a fucking disaster."
"It can't be worse than the trip in Leo's Call of Chtulhu campaign," Zero reasoned.
"You're playing Call of Cthulhu, too?" Takumi groaned. "Now I really wish I'd stayed. There won't be any board games until we get to a gas station store that actually has one. Half my portable shogi pieces got lost somewhere in Hinata's car, and Azama threw the magnetic chess board out the window just to see if it would scratch the car behind us. It did, by the way. Subaki's pissed. Anyways, tell Leo I'll pay him back for a new one when we get back home."
"A message most duly noted-- though in my opinion, the debt ought not be yours to bear," Odin answered.
"Yeah, well, just try telling Azama that he owes someone money," Takumi snorted. "He's not even going to pay Subaki for the car damage-- said something about his flashy paint job being an indulgence of vanity, or whatever, and that Subaki actually owed him money for saving his soul because of some weird church history thing. Leo's an asshole, but he's an asshole friend, and I'm not about to inflict that on him."
"Your tone of speech says that this is not all which has come to pass," Odin guessed. He proclaimed, "I entreat thee speak, and depart your cares upon the telephone line!"
"You weirdo," Takumi chuckled affectionately. "It's better now that you called, but before... urgh. After we all pulled over and listened to Subaki and Azama argue for an hour, Corrin eventually went and bought one of those emergency poncho things from a gas station-- you know, those cheap plastic ones-- and made them wear it for the rest of the day. Together. He called it their 'get-along poncho,' even volunteered to drive the car they were in."
"Poor kid," Zero snorted. "Too naive for his own damn good. He must've had no idea what he was getting into."
"It gets worse," Takumi solemnly said. "There's nine of us, and only two cars. One of which smells like a pigsty, and the other which has a scratch running up the front windshield now. Besides, it's not like we were going to leave Corrin and them alone. So I switched to Subaki's car, just to try and keep him sane... except Jakob was there, because he's got a weird thing about dirt, and, then he started talking about the legal ramifications of vehicle defacing or whatever, and so we listened to that for another three hours. This was all before lunch."
"Ouch," Odin winced sympathetically. "That sounds like 5d6 sanity damage right there. Call of Cthulhu might actually be less dangerous."
"5d6? More like 10d6," Takumi scoffed. "No amount of luck could've gotten you away with less than ten sanity damage."
"How long did it take for you to crack?" Zero raised his brows.
"An hour and a half," Takumi admitted. "Maybe two. Corrin held out until we spotted signs for an exit with an IHOP. Most of us missed breakfast because of the thing with the chess board."
"What thing with the chess board?" Leo shut his door behind him and entered.
"What happened to calling your girlfriend?" Zero made liberal use of air quotes there.
"She called and said something came up with her family," Leo answered. "So we're off tonight. Are you on the line with Takumi?"
"Yeah, it's me," came the voice from Odin's phone. "And I'm telling you, that's the oldest excuse in the book. You're getting catfished."
"Yes, because normal catfishers regularly spend three hours at a time discussing literature with their victims," Leo rebuffed. "What happened with the chess board? If it's any consolation, it was about twelve years old and can be easily replaced."
"I know. Not even you would be dumb enough to loan something for a road trip and expect it back," Takumi snorted. "Azama threw it out the window... while the car was moving. Subaki's car got scratched."
"You should've stayed on campus," Leo slumped down into another chair. "We're playing Call of Cthulhu, the 'Anankos Arisen' adventure that came out over winter break."
"I heard of that one... I read a forum talking about how crazy the flavor text can get," Takumi sighed. "Is it any good?"
"Oh man," Odin chuckled. "It's SO AWESOME. My character, the intrepid intern OWEN NIGHT, is already making breakthrough discoveries! And break-in discoveries, because there's this part where--"
"Hey, no spoilers, all right?" Takumi jibed. "Besides... the last thing I need to hear is how much fun you're having."
"You can join in when you get back... we've been playing for four or five nights, now, and we're barely past the second chapter," Leo offered. "It's labeled for two to four players, but... there are certain complications with minimum player requirements."
"Such as?"
"Such as not having enough money for transportation," Zero tisked. "We've... had some bad rolls in the Credit Rating skill. And our tortuously wonderful Cavern Keeper won't let me take a side job in exotic dancing."
"Your character is a 48-year-old Professor at Yale," Leo sounded faintly aggrieved. "I'm not going to let you roleplay that. At least not until your character's sanity drops below thirty percent."
Odin shuddered, "Owen Night is a man of sound and fortuitous logic... but even he would weaken before the trauma of such a sight. As it stands, his greatest loss of sanity comes not from viewing the horrors committed by the Anankonian cult... but from instead the mindbending stress of negotiating with loan sharks for transportation funds."
"Leo, you asshole, that's not how you're supposed to lead the game," Takumi huffed. "You're not supposed to debilitate characters trying to get a loan."
"I didn't do it to them on purpose," Leo scoffed. "It's not my fault neither of them could roll below their credit scores. Zero only had to get below a sixty, and honestly... I would've given it to him if he'd only missed by one or two points."
"I rolled an eighty-five," Zero lamented. "So we had to let the intern roll. The broke intern. With a credit score of fifteen, because Odin insisted on character creation accuracy. The noble professor was willing to sell whatever it took to save the poor, student-loan crippled intern..."
"You're playing a Professor at Yale. Your job and research hinge on upstanding moral conduct," Leo rolled his eyes. "A renowned professor at a reasonable 60 sanity points doesn't just suddenly decide to become a stripper. Please roleplay the correct sanity level."
"The fault is Owen Night's entirely, and this most bravehearted of interns shall bear his burdens unflinchingly!" Odin declared with much bravado. Then, his posture deflated, abashed, "I, uh. I rolled a natural 100. That's house rules for critical failure."
"Shit," even Takumi seemed impressed by that.
"Normally, I would have just denied the loan, but this was at the end of chapter one. So I said the loan sharks roughed him up by showing him exactly what they did to those who couldn't pay back their loans," Leo sighed. "Breaking their bones, stealing their organs, sawing their limbs off while they were still alive... those sorts of things. Odin had to go ahead and roll over his sanity score for that, and he wound up with 1d8 in damage. Which, of course, he rolled an eight on."
"The shittiest time for you to become a highballer," Zero nudged him.
Odin sighed in despair, "O noble prince of the rose-red dawn, your gallant consort lays besmirched by these words! What say'st thou?"
"I say that sounds like you need to give Arthur his curse back," Takumi replied, referring to their classmate. "What's the setting of this adventure path?"
Leo rummaged for the book and flipped a few pages. "Chapter one begins in New Haven, Connecticut, in the June of 1929. It's been about three weeks since then, and now they're in the heart of San Francisco, California. Of course, they need another transportation loan for chapter three."
The line went silent for a moment.
"Takumi? You still there?" Odin questioned, poking his phone haphazardly.
"Yeah, I'm still there. Look, uh... my character from Leo's last campaign. He settled down in San Francisco, right?" Takumi prodded. He stressed the words, "You know, the fortune teller who had strange dreams? The one who got away from endgame with maybe three sanity points?"
"I remember him, yes. We agreed that after several years of therapy, he became an extremely eccentric, if strangely successful, silver speculator," Leo mused. "He was perhaps forty years of age at the end of the last game, in 1902. I wouldn't be surprised if he were still alive, nor if he knew something about Professor Yukimura. I could easily envision-- what's his name-- Madotsuki? They could have reasonably met once or twice during his stay for an academic convention."
"You're still pronouncing it wrong," Takumi must have been rolling his eyes on the other end of the line. "But yeah, that's him. Talked to the plot important guy about his dreams, maybe got dismissed as crazy, something, something, eldritch abomination. I'm sure he wouldn't mind giving Owen Night and Zero's Professor character a small loan to visit in exchange for a favor or something. Knitting doilies for his windowsills, or whatever, because he's eccentric. You know how I'd roleplay him, Leo."
"I can imagine it already," Leo replied, deadpan.
"Yeah, well, have fun with your RPG," Takumi made a shifting sound. "We're stopping for coffee now, then it's my turn to drive. I'll call you tomorrow, Odin."
"Looking forward to it," Odin grinned. "Good luck with the rest of your road trip!"
"Don't remind me," Takumi groaned. "That campaign better still be going when I get back. I'll take Lovecraftian horrors over most of the other people on this trip-- no, not you, Hinata, stop looking at me like that-- so save me a spot, okay? I've got a build for a private investigator I've been wanting to try out."
"We'll probably take a few nights to get to the end of chapter three," Leo assured. "There's still seven other chapters, not counting the sequel book that's supposed to be out this summer."
"You're such a nerd," Takumi snorted, and hung up.
Odin groaned and pocketed his phone once more. He did not move from the table.
"Odin," Leo began. "Are you laying down on your used dinner plate?"
"Come on, up," Zero nudged him. "We've only got one table. I'm all for doing dirty things in the kitchen, but we actually have to clean that shit that if we want to continue playing."
"Give me five minutes," Odin whined. "My heart is wounded for want of my intended! Can you not see how the blood leaks forth your agonized kinsman?"
Leo rationalized, "Odin, I'm pretty sure that's leftover cheese sauce on the back of your shirt."
"It is?" he rolled over and felt at the back of his shirt. He cringed, "Oh, yeah. It definitely is. I'm, uh. Going to go change my shirt and wash the viscera of my aching blood from my hands. Be right back!"
Zero snorted, "Don't forget to use the spirit-purifying magic of soap."
"I might as well get his plate clean, too," Leo set about washing his own used plate, still in the sink. "No idea what Takumi sees in him. As much as I care about Odin-- perhaps I even like him sometimes-- he certainly has his fair share of eccentricities."
"He probably finds them charming or something. Or he's got a roleplaying kink," Zero shrugged. With narrowed eyes, "He's not weirder than your Canadian girlfriend. You know, the one with no social media. The one who doesn't text. The one who's probably imaginary?"
"Her family's really into this whole low-tech lifestyle thing, okay?" Leo scowled, crossing his arms. "But she e-mails from her campus computers, and once, we exchanged letters that were written on paper. And she put pressed flowers in hers! Is it that hard to believe that a girl actually likes me?"
"I'd be the first to congratulate you if it were someone we knew in real life," Zero patted his shoulder. "But someone whose Facebook pictures are all taken from articles about spelling bees in Quebec probably isn't a real person. I hate to be the one to break it to you... again... but you're probably being catfished."
"So she can't be real just because she's good at spelling?" Leo shifted. Crossed his arms. "It's not catfishing. The term implies that the person in question has an ulterior motive. We're just talking. About books and poetry and obscure music."
"So, uh..." Odin shut the door to his room behind him. "Bad time to get back to Call of Cthulhu?"
Zero shook his head, "If I've seen it once, I've seen it a thousand times. They lure you in with sweet words, a pretty picture... sometimes, they ask you to wire them money for plane tickets, then vanish. But some motives aren't so clear-cut or obvious. Some people just do it because they're bored. They like to pretend to be other people, and not in the harmless way Odin does."
"Sorry, Leo... but I have to take Zero's side on this one," Odin put a consoling hand on his shoulder. "Your girlfriend could be a succubus-creature from the abyss, seeking to suck your soul out through your phone by winning your heart! Or she could be a middle-aged man in Nevada with voice-changer software and fifty other unsuspecting victims. And as your most devoted of friends, it is our honor and duty to retain you from all ills which may seek to do you harm!"
"What Odin means is that we just don't want you to get hurt," Zero elbowed him.
Odin sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah. What he said."
"I suppose I haven't exactly been listening to your concerns, valid as they may be," Leo frowned. "But I simply cannot imagine meeting a false person from online homeschooling French Literature II. I assure you, the organization I used for this class is highly reputable. One of the most renowned of its character. After all, I did fully intend to receive a legitimate high school diploma at the end."
Odin started. His mouth flopped open, but no words came out.
"What Odin means," Zero kicked him in the leg. "Is that we thought you met her online online. Like on Craigslist or some dating app."
"That's absurd," Leo looked askance. "You just said that she doesn't have any traces on social media. And if you'll recall, I didn't either, until I started college."
"We thought we were dealing with an unearthly creature you met in the deep bowels of the international webs," Odin proclaimed, having at last found his words. "Not like... a girl you met from online homeschooling."
"Is there something wrong with online homeschooling?" Leo straightened his back perceptively.
"Nope. Nothing wrong at all," Zero put his head in his hands. He began to laugh, "In fact, I'm sure she's an upstanding woman... Jesus fuck. Homeschooled and Canadian."
"What, exactly, is so funny about that combination?" Leo furrowed his brow. "She just happens to live in a very remote, very rural area where there aren't enough children to have a public school."
"Oh! I've got a question," Odin muffled a snort in his sleeve. "How polite is she, exactly?"
"Having good manners isn't that strange," Leo shook his head at their antics. "Though I guess you two wouldn't know anything about that. You've been prying, you know, about the strangest of details. Like if I've sent gifts to my girlfriend, or what town she lives in."
"Having indeed confirmed your meeting was reputable eases our hearts, which hold evermore your best interests," Odin clapped Leo into a hug.
"In other words," Zero came in and hugged them both, "We're fucking relieved."
"That's curious," Leo answered, stoic in spite of being smooshed in a two-sided hug. "Does Takumi know about that?"
"Ha, very funny," Zero snorted. "He'll be relieved, too."
"So," Odin said, still hugging enthusiastically. "Are you still up for inflicting terror upon our characters' mortal souls, o Keeper of the Crypt?"
"Get me my cape," Leo replied with a sly grin. "I'm always up for tabletop games."
"Right away, Master of Dungeons, herald of the Dark Dice," Odin saluted and went off to grab it.
"I'm going to grab the desk lap thing. I think we're all pretty sick of the chairs on this table," Zero let go with a pat. He hollered, "Hey, Odin, I'll meet you in Leo's bed in five!"
"My bed?" Leo jolted back. "I don't recall volunteering my bed for this. I just washed my sheets last Sunday!"
"Which makes your bed the cleanest," Zero shrugged. "I haven't washed mine since the last time I had a special visitor. And Odin... he probably hasn't washed his in months."
"That's not true!" Odin protested. "I washed them like... six? Seven weeks ago? Anyway, it's not months yet."
"Definitely my bed," Leo shuddered. "But I get dibs on the corner."
Zero did indeed retrieve Leo's favored lap desk, the one which had a cupholder and several of Odin's stickers plastered to it. Odin, of course, brought in Leo's Cavern Keeper cape and their various roleplaying supplies. And when they settled in at last, their host cross-legged in the corner, Zero slouching against the wall at his right and Odin sprawled out on his stomach, it was Leo's turn to furnish the story.
"After Owen Night poses his eleven questions to the museum curator, the curator confirms that indeed Professor Yukimura still lives and works in the same location he previously stated. Unfortunately, most of the other attendees of the Academic Convention of 1899 have either passed away or moved out-of-state. He does know, however, of a local man who keeps in touch with the Professor, the reason why the work managed to end up in California. That man is of the major patrons of this very museum, in fact..."
"I tell the snobby-ass curator that my extremely important university study might hinge on information about the discovery of that work," Zero suggested breezily. "And I imply that the curator might get credit for its excellent upkeep... if he helps us get in contact with that patron. Since we can't afford to go to Japan right now, my character's thought is to seek out the next best guy."
"A most ambitious request, given that Mr. Madotsuki is a very wealthy man who values his privacy," Leo nodded. "It'll be a difficult roll."
"What if you add something about being sure the guy'll want to hear about new findings based on his Yukimura's discovery?" Odin suggested. "Then, his patron might purchase for their display similar artifacts of like renown?"
"Yeah, what he said," Zero twirled his pen. "Can I do that?"
"Well, it'll tip the odds in your favor somewhat. Roll Fast Talk or Persuasion. Take a bonus die on it," Leo offered. "Especially because you managed to avoid metagaming that one."
"Twenty-nine," Zero smirked. "That's less than half my Persuasion skill. Looks like we found our ticket across the Pacific. In-character."
"Way better than a real road trip," Odin agreed, shaking his head as he recalled Takumi's plight that same day.
"More comfortable, at least," Leo shook his head, and when he launched into the description of the silver tycoon's home, it was indeed as if they were on the best road trip, ever.
(Especially because of the eldritch monster cults.)