Chapter Text
Zanka would honestly rather talk about anything other than the way this entire thing started. He would love to skip past the part where he had practically thrown his computer at the wall in an effort to decipher how to operate the eBay website. He would love to brush over his agonizing at the amount of different options of fragrances he could pick from, none of which he could afford, until he found the one that led him to this unfortunate situation. But alas.
So, here's how it all begins:
It had all been Rudo's fault, if Zanka really thinks about it. It had been his fault that this entire situation had gotten started. He had recently started to take up a… new hobby. Outside of his usual activities.
And look, Zanka loved his kind-of-but-also-not-really brother, quirks and all. Zanka loved the amount of care and dedication that Rudo put into everything he did; the care with which he was able to run his fingers across the peeling paint and splintered wood of forgotten objects and bring them back to life. Zanka loved that he had someone around him that looked at every discarded item with not disgust nor dismissal, but rather with expectation and with pure excitement in his eyes. Zanka even sometimes liked to watch Rudo work on his projects, liked to watch the determination and the acuity with which Rudo did his best work. All in all, his maybe-brother's passion had always been one of Zanka's favorite, most loved things about Rudo.
He did not, however, love the way Rudo had taken up dumpster diving.
Even more so, he did not love the way Rudo had taken Zanka dumpster diving.
But he is, at heart, loyal, and had eventually caved to Rudo's wishes to accompany him, watching as his not-quite-brother practically vibrated where he stood, though still with his perpetually grumpy expression.
Which is how Zanka ended up doing his best to hold his breath and step around the wet-looking lumps of trash and follow Rudo's lead to try to find something that could actually be worth taking back.
Which is exactly how he ends up slipping on a few loose marbles Rudo had accidentally dropped.
Almost in slow motion, Zanka feels the way he flings his arms around as he attempts to regain his balance. He keenly feels the way his legs slip out from under him as his torso tips backward. It is almost poetic, the way he can sense every wisp of air that swishes under his arms and around his body as he flies through the air and downwards. And then, Zanka feels the execution electric chair go off as he lands between not two, not three, but rather four discarded, lumpy, impossibly wet bags of trash that he and Rudo had set aside.
He only has a moment to reminisce in his misfortune when he hears Rudo begin cackling at him behind him. Great.
"Fuck you laughing for?!" screams Zanka in frustration. "Help me up, dipshit!"
"Holy shit!" wheezes Rudo. "Did you fall on the pile of garbage I purposely didn't touch?"
"Just help me!"
Rudo, still doubled over in laughter reaches out a shaky hand towards Zanka and helps pull him up. Zanka gets bothg his feet under him and tries to stand back up. Before proptly slipping on the still wet concrete from various liquids and collapsing again.
The second time he gets up he gets no help from Rudo.
Hours later, with Zanka still covered in drying juices, they finally start to walk back to Zanka's kind-of-childhood-home. The place where Rudo and Riyo currently live with Enjin and where he used to live prior to going to university. Really, the house is officially Enjin's, who had moved there right after adopting Riyo, and who eventually fostered Rudo in that same house. Zanka's relationship to the house, and really to Enjin, was less official and more of the place Zanka would spend his days whenever his parents decided Zanka was too much to deal with at the moment. Long story.
So Enjin's house. They go back to Enjin's house.
Zanka has barely one foot in the house when a scowling Riyo with a scrunched nose intercepts him.
"Jesus Christ, Zanka. You smell so bad," she says, squinting her eyes and gagging.
"Ha, ha," deadpans Zanka. "Can you just let me go shower, please?"
Riyo laughs at him.
"Right, yes," she smiles. "Enjin's out for a bit, by the way. Please try to not smell like shit by the time he gets back."
"Move."
Riyo laughs as he passes her, but ultimately lets him go and even tells him he will make sure he's got a clear path to leave his clothes in the garage after he's done.
About an hour and a half later, after an extremely long shower, a walk of shame to drop his clothes off in the sink in the garage, and an encounter with Rudo's pet… mammal, 3R, Zanka finally gets himself into some fresh clothes. That, however, does not seem to have done anything for his smell.
Zanka steps into the living room where his kind-of-siblings are. Riyo lounges over the armrest of a sofa, arms stretched out above her and tracing shapes on Ripper's fur. The hamster, laying on the floor, twists and squirms where Riyo cards through her fur. Rudo, the little shit, is sorting through the large trash bag of collected items from their dumpster diving.
The moment Zanka steps a foot onto the carpet of the living room, he watches Riyo wrinkle her nose and Rudo smell the air. Ripper startles, sniffs the floor a little, and scrambles to get up from her belly-up position before fleeing to under the couch. Riyo startled too, and Zanka watches her bend herself fully until she can see under the couch, calling after Ripper.
Rudo turns to him in disgust and with his typical scowling face.
"Dude. You smell. Bad," deadpans Rudo.
"No I don't," shoots back Zanka. "Don't be mean."
"Hate to say it, Zanka" grimaces Riyo, "but he's absolutely right. You don't smell like flowers and fresh linen…"
Zanka pulls at his hair and points at Rudo.
"This is all your fault!" he cries, "I wouldn't smell this bad if we hadn't gone dumpster diving!"
"Mind you, there was no obligation for you to agree to go," mutters Rudo.
"Yeah, no thanks, like I was gonna get in trouble with Enjin," glares Zanka.
As if on cue, Zanka hears the sputtering engine of a motorcycle, and watches as Enjin waves goodbye to Semiu from where she's starting to drive away.
He also watches the exact moment both Enjin and Umbreaker smell Zanka's misfortune.
Umbreaker, the poor dog, sneezes and whines repeatedly at the overwhelming scent and Enjin scrunches his nose and wheezes.
"God," he grimaces. "What the hell is that smell?"
"Right, okay," deadpans Zanka. "Hello to you too."
"Zanka? What happened?"
"Nothing," Rudo says at the exact time Zanka opens his mouth. "Zanka just naturally sti-" Zanka rushes over to where Rudo is and slams his palm over Rudo's lips. Serves him right. For lying.
"Rudo took me dumpster diving," he says. "And I fell into some goop and possible actual, literal shit. So now I stink."
Enjin slowly turns towards Rudo.
"Sorry, Rudo took you dumpster diving?" he says. "As in, going into the dumpsters like I explicitly told him not to?"
"Yup," smiles Zanka. All of a sudden, he feels the unmistakable feeling of a wet tongue run over his palm.
Rudo sputters and pushes his hand off, wiping his tongue on his arm and coughing a few times.
"Never do that again, Zanka," he glares. Zanka goes to cover the boy's mouth again but promptly gets his finger bitten.
"Ow!" he says, shaking his hand to soothe the pain. "You little shit!"
"Oi! You two! Cut it!"
Zanka and Rudo immediately straighten up and look at Enjin. The blonde glares at Rudo first and points.
"Rudo! You're so grounded," he says.
"What?! Why?! But-"
"No ifs or buts."
Rudo grumbles but slinks back onto his seat on the couch, a mutter about how the grounding won't last passing through his lips.
"And you, Zanka!" he says. Zanka straightens impossibly further. Enjin sighs and rubs his brow. "Man, we gotta get you some cologne or something— you fuckin' stink, dude…"
Zanka deflates and makes his way down the. hall and into his room.
So it turns out absolutely no one in this entire house owned cologne nor perfume, nor even fucking Febreeze. Well, that's if you exclude Umbreaker's Pet Odor Neutralizing Spray, which Zanka would be absolutely humilliated to have to use.
This leaves him with one other option: internet shopping.
Now, Zanka has nothing against the internet, not that he'd ever admit that. Nor does he have anything in particular against shopping, not that he'd ever admit that either. That being said, he fucking hates online shopping. Like, he despises online shopping.
It's so fucking confusing to him all the time. Too many labels and too many extra fees, and then the websites crash while he has things in his cart and when he tries to reload they are lost to the winds not only from his cart but from the website as a whole. He hates that he also has too many damn options to choose from. Colors and shapes and sizes he barely understands with absolutely no way of checking that any of it is legit. He once got scammed out of $15 trying to buy one stupid pen, which had arrived not only broken but also with the entire ink cartridge straight up missing from the pen.
Online shopping is and has always been a fucking nightmare for Zanka.
However, he has to go back to his dorm in 2 days and he absolutely cannot go out in public smelling the way he does. So he needs to get the stupid scent. And he needs to get it quick. However, there is one small problem.
The listings on every website he searches through are absolutely atrocious.
Amazon, Etsy, Temu– even fucking AliExpress. It's all dreadful.
At 20 years old, unemployed, a full-time university student, and very, very broke, Zanka is one thousand million percent unable to afford any of the products he sees on the website as he scrolls down the list. Hell, he is barely able to afford his proper two-and-a-half meals a day, how is he every supposed to ever afford $200 cologne? Even $30 seems audacious and already a splurge upon looking at his bank account. Zanka is absolutely fucked. He is cursed to smell like shit for the rest of his time in university. People are gonna see him walking down the street and there is gonna be a swishing, flowing cloud of straight up green smog reeking from him from how bad he's gonna smell. It's never been more over.
Zanka is 30 seconds away from shutting his computer, throwing it at both walls, spraying the Pet Odor Neutralizer on his clothes, punching his roommate Follo as soon as he gets back, and then making Monday The Day His Time Comes when he suddenly sees the listing, this time on eBay.
original scent i made in my garage, maybe (?) toxic, unisex, no stain this time !!
Most importantly, however, was the fact that this scent stood at the low, low price of $1.50. With overnight free shipping.
Fucking jackpot.
Now, now, Zanka is not stupid. He understands that price tends to indicate quality very often, and that he should be careful of the products he buys on the internet. He also isn't feeling too sure about that "maybe (?) toxic." Yeah, not reassuring at all. Also, neither the scent nor the seller seems to have had any buyers, ever, despite having started their "shop" 6 months ago. So, rationally, Zanka should not buy the scent. It would be stupid, reckless, and would probably result in more problems than Zanka can reasonably handle.
Dollar fifty, though…
Alright, so it ends up in his shopping cart. Whatever.
Zanka evaluates the two possible outcomes of him buying this scent.
First of all, there is the Bad Ending:
Zanka ends up with devastating skin poisoning as a result of this scent. He has to be taken to the ICU and dies a slow, painful death at the ripe age of 20; Rudo blames himself for the rest of his life, Riyo runs away from home, Enjin shaves his head.
Okay maybe that's a little too far. He's sure eBay wouldn't allow this seller to actually kill him. Probably.
So realistically, the Bad Ending is that Zanka ends up with some minor skin poisoning, has to undergo the humiliating process of going down to the university's health center with Follo and explain his situation, and also loses a dollar fifty in the process.
As for the Good Ending…
Zanka finds his new signature scent.
And look, Zanka will blame 3am him later that day when he realizes what he'd done, but at the moment those had seemed like pretty good odds to him.
He buys the scent.
Yeah. Good odds.
The next day, when a beat-up cardboard box with stains of mysterious liquids arrives, he begins reconsidering his past choices.
Rudo is the one to bring the box in, actually, but he keeps on acting like it's a bomb ready to go off at any time as he sets it down on the small coffee table Enjin had been able to put in the middle of Zanka's room . The package looks a little… roughed up is not the best word Zanka would use, but it can definitely be described that way.
Zanka stares at the package for a good second. He isn't even sure where to start with the unboxing. The tape that covers the cardboard box seems to have been vary hastily stuck on, with strange corners and bits of tape just straight up sticking out, folded in on themselves. Yeah, this is the sketchiest package that Zanka has ever received.
Whatever. Ends and means, or however the saying goes. He fishes a box cutter out of his desk side cabinet and begins hacking away at the excessive packaging. Once he finally is able to cut through the layers upon layers of tape, the string wrapped around the package under the tape, and pry open the panels of the box, he realizes the item itself is very much bare boned. The box had been super, super light to begin with, but upon opening it, he realizes the majority of its weight really was just packing peanuts and wrapping paper. He digs through the mess of disposable packaging, half expecting to be met with some kind of booby trap finger contraption that cuts off his finger, but ultimately he finds no such thing. Ultimately, he is able to pry the bottle the out and blanches at the sight of it.
Oh yeah, this was the absolute worst decision of his entire life. Running away from the Nijiku household included.
The vial, if it can even be called that, is small— smaller than Zanka's own palm. It seems to actually be some kind of reused glass vial from some kind of medical drug, if Zanka has to guess. Probably some kind of illegal. Not only that, but it seems to have been resealed repeatedly, probably after having missed a few times. When he digs through the bottle, however, Zanka does find a smaller bottle with some liquid inside, a spray head, as well as a folded note with some writing inside of it.
Carefully, Zanka takes out all of the box's contents and unfolds the note, skimming through it until he reads the words "tries to kill you" and goes back to read it with more detail
Heyyy ZanZan, its ya boy! Congrats on being my very first sale! Ever! Idk if I'm supposed to be doing this but hope you enjoy your scent and leave a review…
anyways the bigger bottle in the box is your cologne or perfume or whatever you ordered, i tried to close it as well as i could but yknow shaky hands and all anyways the smaller bottle is a neutralizer in case it tries to kill you!
Have fun!
♡
Zanka folded the note back up and looked at the two vials with more detail. The liquid of the scent vial itself is not necessarily what Zanka would expect from a fragrance, what with the fact that it looks a little cloudy— even murky might Zanka say— and it definitely has seen its fair share of shaking around. The smaller bottle is more of a lotion than anything, it seems a little too viscous for what any body-related liquid should look like, with a white and milky almost pearly color that swishes around the bottle.
One dollar and fifty cents free overnight shipping, Zanka tells himself.
Alright. He's seen worse.
Tentatively, Zanka lifts up the vial to his nose and gives it a small sniff. The scent isn't actually bad at all, it might even be pleasant if Zanka thinks about it. It's a little bit sharp, but with a softness lingering scent that leads him to believe this may be a mixture of scents rather than anything else. The texture of it isn't sticky at all either, and it's not super overwhelming nor is it completely unnoticeable. These qualities give Zanka the encouragement he needs to fully commit to the scent, attach the small spray head the vendor had provided him with and finally spray his clothes with it. Once again, Zanka is rewarded with the pleasant smell.
The best part? Within a few sprays, the smell of Rudo's dumpster diving is completely gone from his clothes.
Zanka feels at the top of the world, finally smelling decently. He feels like he went gambling and almost lost his entire life's savings only to quickly regain them in one lucky game of Blackjack. He's happy as he flops down onto his bed. Right before the Consequences arrive.
All of a sudden, he feels dizzy. His head spins a few times and nausea floods his senses and feels a little like he might be dying. He swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stumbles onto his feet with immense effort as he sways back and forth. He tries to blink the queasiness out of his head but ultimately fails. He manages to make it to the edge of the door, ready to call out for Enjin. But then, as suddenly as the sickness came, it leaves his body completely.
Well, that was odd, but he feels fine.
Also, he's vaguely itchy all over his body. He scratches at his skin, but it still takes a while to actually stop the itch. He then remembers the neutralizer he was provided with, and the moment it touches his skin, the itchiness settles. Right.
Zanka sits down at his desk, spinning his chair around a few times before he finally settles comfortably. He pulls his computer towards him and opens eBay, navigating through the website until he finally finds his past purchases. He begins typing a review:
Review For: original scent i made in my garage, maybe (?) toxic, unisex, no stain this time !!
From ZanZan:
★★★★☆
This scent is actually not that bad. Left my skin a bit itchy and made me kinda drowsy at first, but ultimately it did what it was supposed to, smells really good actually. Seems long lasting. Would recommend but definitely need to put some lotion or the neutralizer on under it
Zanka closes out of the tab and shuts his computer off, packing it in his bag for when he goes back to his dorm that same afternoon. He thinks his review had been fine enough, not too critical but also addressing the issues he had. Yes, yes. Zanka will get a Good Grade in Writing eBay Reviews, which is both an attainable and normal thing to want.
With his head buzzing with pride and his clothes finally smelling like himself, Zanka puts the issue of the eBay bought perfume out of his mind.
Two days later, Zanka's laptop pings with a web browser notification.
He is back in his dorm room by this point, spraying Lovely's cage with a healthy shower while she sits on his shoulder. The poor bug jostles as Zanka spins around in his chair to acknowledge his device, taking her off his shoulder to set her next to him and placing a small cube out of her fresh apple bits jar as an apology. She withdraws her legs but ultimately flutters her small wings and settles next to him if only a bit moody.
Zanka unfreezes his screen and tries to find the website where it must be coming from, ultimately finding the culprit to be eBay. If he's being honest, he had completely forgotten about his entire eBay escapade as soon as he'd deduced that the fragrance wasn't gonna kill him; and, the moment he got back to his dorm, he returned to his usual choice of scent.
So, really, he didn't particularly care for the whole eBay debacle or whatever other spam offer the website had to offer. Still, he decided to give the website a chance this time, if only because once he had seen the notification itself eBay was telling Zanka that he had a message, not just a notification. And, well, curiority killed the cat, y'know?
He clicks on the notification and sees that it was a reply to his one and only review he'd ever left. A reply from the seller at that. Now, Zanka really didn't know what the hell was up with someone who went under Fragrance Freak— because that was the name the guy had chosen— but Zanka didn't really think that was the type of person who would leave replies. Zanka didn't know what they had to say to him, and he figured it would likely be an automated reply if anything, but he decided to click on it. Devastating mistake.
Devastating, because as soon as he clicks on it he is met with this message:
⤷ Reply from seller: yo dude u wanna test my other stuff i lwk think i may have developed a tolerance to the toxins in this shit
Zanka doesn't even wait one second before typing out his reply, horrified
⤷ Reply from ZanZan: the what
Oh, dear god. Zanka is so fucked.
In one smooth move, he digs through his take-home bag and fishes out the small vial of liquid. He didn't really feel anything too bad, outside of the dizziness and the itch, which was properly fixed. As much as he wants to keep freaking out about this, he doesn't get a chance to, as another ping comes from his laptop and the website asks him to reload the page. He does. Once again, he wishes he hadn't.
⤷ Reply from vendor: yea lmao ive tested them on myself so much im prob immune to any toxins atp tbh
And then, almost as an afterthought
⤷ Reply from vendor: sry
Oh my god. Zanka is gonna die.
Zanka is gonna die and it's all gonna be Fragrance Freak's fault.
Zanka looks at Lovely.
"You'll miss me, right, girl?" he says, already thinking of how devastated Riyo and Rudo and Enjin are gonna be when he dies. He hopes Enjin only shaves to a Mohawk and doesn't commit to full bald.
Zanka dips his head into his hands and sits back in his chair and settles to make peace with his early death. Not really, but he is prepared for a devastating allergy, with possible painful rashes and a lot of vomiting. Fuck, Zanka hates throwing up. This is what he gets for trusting sketchy Fragrance Freaks off the internet. He is never online shopping again.
Zanka rubs his temple and stands up to flop onto his bed, but his laptop pings again before he makes it all the way there. The website asks him to reload the page again.
⤷ Reply from vendor: check dms
There is a different toned ping this time, with multiple soft cracks instead of the mono-tonal ping he had so far come to associate with eBay. He watches as the page doesn't ask him to reload this time, but rather a small red dot appears at the corner of the envelope-shaped icon that signals Zanka's eBay inbox.
Yeah, definitely not opening that.
…
Okay, yeah, he opens the notification. Curiosity and cats or whatever.
Zanka clicks on the Message board and is met with Fragrance Freak's profile picture staring at him, a dark background with what looks to be a few vials on center stage. The profile is lit up with a message from him, and Zanka clicks on it hesitantly. Fuck, he really hopes eBay doesn't do read receipts.
✉︎ You have (1) new message(s) from [Fragrance Freak]
☞ You received an offer. Other buyers may have received this offer. The first to accept gets the deal!
scent for zanzan to test, not toxic almost sure, unisex, summer
$2.50 → $0.00
Notes: look i know its not super appealing but if u do wanna test lmk and ill send u this, i tested it more this time
Zanka stares at the offer for a few minutes. If he's really thinking about it, he's probably about to make another terrible choice. But the scent from the other day actually ended up not smelling that bad, and the dizziness really was the worst part. He mulls it over a few minutes.
Dollar fifty… Zero dollars…
He clicks on the Accept Offer button.
"It won't kill me, probably," he voices out loud. Zanka looks over at Lovely. "Do you think it'll kill me?"
Lovely, still chewing on her apple cube, extends her front legs and ducks her head.