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Dear Jungkook,
It's nighttime here. And I'm not drunk, I promise. I was just thinking of you again, and I realised it's been six months since we last spoke. It's been a long six months.
You remember that last phone call? I do. I remember it in vivid detail. I remember how disappointed you sounded when you knew I'd been drinking again. I suppose it was two in the afternoon, though, so I don't blame you. Speaking of which, I want you to know that I don't blame you for this, any of it. This is all my fault.
I treated you like shit. I didn't know what to do with that feeling, you know. Love. It was new, and it hurt, and I was scared. And when I get scared, I drink. And when I drink, I hurt you, and I hurt myself. Hurting you hurt more than any hangover. And losing you hurt more than that night when I got taken into hospital and had to have my stomach pumped.
I still think about the time you punched me, back when our friends were all together, and I cut my hands on the glass from the mirror I smashed, and you had to take care of me. I deserved it. But even though it was all my fault, you took care of me. At the time, it hurt (both my pride and my hands) to let you tend to my wounds, and feel guilt for my stupid shitty behaviour, and now it hurts not to have you here tending to my wounds or scolding me for my shitty behaviour. There's no happy medium, I suppose.
That's all in the past, now. Our friends are gone. Jin's been gone for so long, I've almost forgotten the sound of his voice. I'm getting used to it now, accepting that he's really dead. It gets a little easier every day. But it'd be so much easier if you were here. I know you'd make me feel better. Sometimes it gets too much, and I wish you were still here. In fact, there isn't a day that goes by when I don't wish for that. Truthfully, I'm lost without you.
Anyway, Namjoon got a better job, and he's trying to distance himself. In fact, I haven't seen him in a few months, now. Hoseok and Jimin moved in together once Hoseok got out of rehab, and they've been asking me to come live with them. I think they're worried. I've considered it a lot, but it'd be weird without you there. And then Taehyung, well, you should know, right?
How is it? Is he still there with you? Is he still struggling to get over what happened with his dad? No doubt you've helped him a lot, like you tried to help me, but I suppose Taehyung is a lot more willing. I miss seeing you both. Seems like forever since I heard from either of you. Also, it seems like Taehyung's been reluctant to contact me in case he hurts you. He's a good kid. And I know he'll make you happy, happier than I ever could. But I can't help wondering what we're missing.
I know he's better for you. In fact, pretty much anyone would be better for you than me, we both know that. But that doesn't mean I don't care. That doesn't mean I don't still ache to be with you again. That doesn't mean I'm not still in love with you, so much that some nights, I sit awake at the window and wonder where you went, and if I could've stopped you.
We fix each other. That was the plan, wasn't it? But now I'm broken, and you aren't coming back to fix me. I'm wondering if you even remember that promise at all, or if thoughts of me plague your mind every night, just like how I see your face in my dreams.
I just want to see you, one last time. I want to apologise for being a shitty boyfriend, for being reckless, for letting you get hurt and for hurting you myself. I wish I could change things, but I can't. I just want you back, even for a second. I can't just exist on memories any more.
Jungkook, you said we were a mistake. If that's true, then I guess you're the best mistake I ever made.
Yoongi.
Dear Yoongi,
I couldn't face the funeral. Funerals are bullshit. Everyone sits around, telling you to remember the happy times, forcing the fakest grins through their tears, and without even going I hate it. I can't stand the thought of being fed all this crap about "oh, he's in a better place now" and "he wouldn't want you to be sad." Because if I know you, you'd be bitter as fuck right now listening to them blabber on (and you probably are), which would mean we should all respect your wishes and be bitter with you. I can't imagine you being very pleased about them spewing such bullshit on your day.
But you wouldn't want it to be your day, would you? You'd sink into the crowd and let everyone mill amongst themselves. I can't imagine any sort of service or party would interest you unless it involved free booze and a karaoke machine (only one of which is provided at a wake), especially not one focused on you. You wouldn't want people dwelling on it. You'd just say "oh for God's sake, have a bit of a cry and then stop going on about it" and leave it at that.
I got to see everybody again for the first time in a while. We all met up, even Namjoon, instead of going to the funeral with all those phonies (they might be your family but that doesn't make it untrue). They were all pretty broken up about it. Namjoon said sorry for leaving us. I think he feels guilty that he wasn't there for you. And Hoseok and Jimin, they couldn't stop crying. It seems they're getting on well though; relying on each other is some comfort, I guess. Hoseok hasn't used for over five months now. How great is that? I know those two will be able to get their lives together again. I just hope I can.
As for Taehyung, we went out seperate ways before we heard the news, but after we found out he made sure he was there for me. He knew I was still in love with you, Yoongi. I don't think he could stand to compete with a ghost any more. And now you're literally a ghost, I doubt we'll be able to patch things up. Even when I was with him, I never stopped loving you.
I can't help thinking (and it really sickens me) that if I'd have read your letter sooner, I could've stopped all of this from happening. It was a cry for help, and I ignored it- if only I'd known how much you needed me there with you. I only got round to opening it the day they told us you were gone. At first, I couldn't bring myself to let all those feelings resurface, still dwelling in my self pity, casting the blame on you and not myself when it was me being the pathetic one all along, and I felt like I'd be betraying Tae. And I was scared, so scared, to see what you'd say, scared that you'd moved on, or that you hated me. But once Tae and I broke up, I realised that I'd been waiting for an excuse to see you again, and there it was.
I only let the envelope sit there for a week or so, and it really ate away at me, but if I'd have stopped being so goddamn cowardly and opened it just a day earlier, maybe I'd have been able to find your number quicker, or maybe I'd have been able to make it to your house before you even needed that ambulance, or maybe the phone wouldn't have rung off when I called you. Maybe you'd still be here, and I wouldn't be sat alone in this shitty apartment, writing you this stupid letter.
Just so you know, I missed you then, and I miss you like hell now. I was too blind to see it back then, too bitter and heartbroken, too angry, but I needed you more than anyone in the world. I still do. If I would've seen that letter, I would've been there in a heartbeat. And I did think of you every night, and you did haunt my dreams, and that happens even more frequently now that you're gone for real.
I can't help but imagine what we could've had if I hadn't left you, what we could've held onto if I'd not been so naïve, if I hadn't been foolish and let myself forget how amazing it was, what we had. Back then, everyone said you were no good for me. But you know what? Fuck them. I loved you, and I shouldn't have listened. Even if you'd have gotten me killed, I wouldn't regret it.
I would endure so much more just to be with you, if I could do it again now. I'd put up with the drinking, the fights, the mood swings and the depression, even to see you just once more. Before you were gone, I always thought there'd be so much time to find you again. But there wasn't.
And you were wrong. This isn't just down to you. You weren't the one ready to abandon me in my time of need. You stayed by my side relentlessly, and I didn't appreciate it. I'm the one who doesn't know how to love, not you. I know that you really did love me, even if it was a strange kind of love, charred and twisted and rough around the edges. I'm the one who doesn't know what love is. I've been a fool, and I'm sorry. I should've seen how much you cared, even if you couldn't bring yourself to say it.
It was all my fault. It was my fault you did this, it was my fault that I didn't ever get to see you again, or to hold you, or to tell you how much you meant to me. If I'd have come to see you that night, I wouldn't have let you drink yourself to death. I know you didn't really want to die, even though that might've seemed to be the only way. You got drunk. You made a mistake. And that fire, that isn't what you really wanted. The grief got to you and you couldn't take it anymore, being so alone. I could've fixed it. I should have. I should've been there to save you. I wish I could have blown out that flame.
They found my charred shirt in your hotel room, that one you liked to wear sometimes. You said it always smelt of me. So now I'm wearing your shirt, and I can't really smell you on it because your scent has faded after all this time, and that sucks, but at least it provides some comfort, right? I can picture you wearing it, on that day we sat on the harbour together, and somehow I feel closer to you. I won't ever forget how you put your arm around me. I felt so safe. And now I feel so lost.
I wonder what you were doing that night. Were you wearing that shirt and thinking of me? Were you too pissed to even remember my name? I hope it didn't hurt...but that would be a little too hopeful. I hope you passed out, and didn't feel a thing, just slipped away without knowing. You deserved peace. I hope you have that now, wherever the hell you are.
I wanted something perfect, something pure, but that isn't always how it works. I know that now. But I suppose I was just a kid at the time, although I won't expect to be forgiven for it. Even then, I knew it deep down-you were the best thing I ever had. Leaving you was a mistake, but loving you wasn't.
Jungkook.
Jungkook,
I want you to know that my last thought was of you. And when the flames took me, I was wearing that shirt. It was always my favourite.
Please don't blame yourself. This part, at least, was all my fault. I'll always love you, Jungkook. Please live on without me.
And don't forget me. Because I won't ever, ever forget you.
Yoongi.