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My dear Jiminnie!!
Surprise! Bet you weren't expecting a letter this soon, were you! I just thought I'd send one as soon as possible, because then I can eagerly await your reply.
Hopefully, I won't need to wait and I can just see you in person, when they realise this is a big misunderstanding. For some reason, they think I'm lying about being sick, but it isn't like I'm not used to that. It'll be fine. I'll be out soon and back home. But in the meantime, try not to go getting a new best friend, okay? Because when I get out, I'm not afraid to start fights ;)
Of course, I'm kidding! But you know you're my favourite (shh, don't tell the others). And I'm really grateful for how you looked after me for so long. I can always count on you. And I hope you can count on me. I hope you still trust me. Even if it's harder these days. Even if nobody else wants to.
But I'm trying to make the most of this situation. Ever the optimist, huh? It's not the coziest place, but most of the people seem friendly at the moment, even if the doctors are a little strict. They kind of give me the creeps. Analysing us all the time. Bit pervy if you ask me.
Anyway, the cafeteria is decent, I guess. They make soup, and of course we have the obligatory "Fries Friday". But the soup is nothing compared to Jin's recipe! Reckon you could whip me up a batch and send a flask over?
Joking aside, I really, REALLY miss you. I miss seeing your cute little face and pinching your cheeks. I don't think most of these guys would take kindly to cheek-pinching. Also, I need a cuddle, and I think maybe these guys will be well below par. Especially compared to you.
Please give my love to everyone! And imagine I'm sending lots of hugs and kisses to you, even if they aren't real!
Lots of love from your favourite Hobi!! ♥♥
My dear Jiminnie,
I already miss you more than I can bear! I know it's been only two weeks, but I wish I had you here with me. Maybe then the time would move faster, instead of ticking by so slowly.
At times, it's painfully bright here. But not like your smile, or your eyes. Like sterile, burning whiteness. Like dying, but never moving on. Just stranded in the harsh light that goes on for miles and miles. Maybe it's the pills, or maybe they made it that way. And the smell of antiseptic in the nurse's office pinches your nostrils and scalds the back of your throat.
You probably think I'm being dramatic, and I probably am being dramatic. That probably doesn't surprise you at all. After all, you know me best, right?! And if that's so, I'm kind of surprised you still want me around. I'm glad you do, though.
But I still don't understand why I'm here. Why I'm STILL here. All of these people are sick in their minds, and I'm not. We both know I'm not. They won't believe me when I tell them I'm sick, really sick. Even when I can't hold my food down, or I'm confined to my bed with a fever, they just won't listen to me.
They think it's all in my head. But I'm not like these people. I'm sick, and I just want to be at home, with you, where I can be taken care of properly. I miss being held, and being told it will be okay. Everyone here scrutinises me, judges me. There are only harsh eyes in the sea of unfamiliar faces, and eyes that dart about too quickly, and eyes that seem to stare right through you. I miss your eyes. Warm and brown. Could you send me a photo? Make sure it's high quality. I want to see them really sparkle :)
I hope you'll write back soon. I think of you every single day, especially in my dreams. And I can't wait until they realise I'm not meant to be here, so we can be together again.
All my love, Hobi ♥
Dear Jiminnie,
You probably haven't had the time to write back, and that's okay. I know you have other things on your mind. But I'd like to know how you're doing, and the others.
It isn't like rehab here. They aren't really trying to help you get better. Because if they were, they wouldn't be confiscating my medication, and giving me these pills that just make me throw up even more.
I feel worse every day. But it's okay, because thinking about you gets me through. This place is desolate, cold, but you aren't. You never were. And thinking about you thaws me out just a little bit, so that I don't go completely numb.
I managed to stash some of my medication where they won't find it. That's the only thing I can rely on here. Apart from you, of course. I hope you'll prove that to me soon.
I'm trying to keep in high spirits. I've tried making some friends, but nobody really wants to know me, and those that do think I'm a liar as much as the doctors do. You never thought I was a liar, right? You always took care of me.
I need you more than ever, Jiminnie. I really wish I could be with you again.
Lots of love from Hobi.
Dear Jimin,
I really miss you. Why haven't you written back? I checked that they'd sent your letter out, and they told me they had. I know you've got other things to deal with. I don't want to be a burden, but I really need you to help me get through this.
Every day seems quieter and ever bleaker. The weather is becoming worse, and I'm feeling more ill than ever at this time of year. But still, they refuse to help me. Just keep putting me on different meds, but never the painkillers I really need.
The lonelier it gets, the more I miss you. I wish you were here so I could hold you, and you could make me feel like somebody in the world still cared about me. Because, right now, I've never felt more alone.
Everyone looks right through me. They disregard everything I say. They think I'm lying. But I'm not. I'm sick, I've always been sick, and I just want you to take care of me, not them. They want to hurt me, not help me. I want to be with you, Jimin. Just you and me. Like before. Then maybe I can finally feel like this is worth it. Can you get me out of here?
Love from Hobi.
Dear Jimin,
It's been a month. Where are you? I'm worried about you.
I miss you so much. I just need to see your face, hear your voice. For you to tell me everything is okay. Even though it isn't.
I was sent to the nurse's office today when things got worse. But they didn't do anything. They wouldn't let me out of there all day, and they checked up on me a lot. It's the first time I've really been properly cared about in here. But afterwards, the doctors took away my pills for good. I know I'll only get worse without them. I need to get out of here. I need your help.
Jimin, please don't abandon me. I need you more than ever. I really love you, you know? And not just because you take care of me when I'm at my worst.
You're my best friend in the world, and I can only rely on you right now. I need to know everything will be alright. I need someone to take care of me again. I need you.
Hobi.
Jimin,
They were right all along. I'm not really sick, am I? It's just my brain that's sick. The only reason I get so ill is because I make myself ill. They saw through me. Did you?
That day, in the nurse's office, I'd made myself really ill. Worse than ever. And they thought I was going to die. It seems that's the only way I can get the care I really need. Otherwise, I'm alone, and people walk by without a second glance. The world is barren and cold, and I desperately need something from it. Anything close to the love and compassion my mother used to give me. Anything. I thought it was you, once. But it looks like I was wrong.
None of this is worthwhile if you don't want me anymore. So I just need you to let me know that you're still there. Otherwise, I'm not sure what I'll do. I can't do this on my own. And you know I've always needed you more than anything or anyone else in the world. Even more than the pills.
I'm being honest now. I'm not lying. All I do is lie to you, to everyone, even myself. But this is the truth. I'm not sick, except in the head. Just like everyone else here.
When I was younger, I lost my mother. You know that. Only you know that. And since then, there's been a void in my life. I just wanted someone to take care of me. To love me. And you did. Do you still love me, Jimin?
Or did you only care about me when I was sick?
Hoseok.
Jimin, why don't you care about me anymore? Is it because I lied, or because I told you truth? Please answer me.
Hoseok.
I lied. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jimin. Please, I need you. Don't ignore me. Don't leave me. I can't be on my own again. I can't.
Why don't you love me anymore? Don't you even care about me? Did you only care when I was coughing up blood, or choking on my own vomit?
I was right, wasn't I? The only way I can wring any compassion out of this cruel world is to make myself worth caring about; unless I'm an invalid, I'm worthless here. And it's twisted, but I want to be sick, I need to be. Otherwise, I'm all on my own. When I'm sick, at least there's someone by my side. A doctor, a nurse, a paramedic, my mother. And you, once upon a time. Someone who wants me to be better, even though I never will be, not on the inside.
I'm expected to be okay. Nobody will care for me. I'm supposed to just look after myself, but I can't. And I'm invisible unless I make myself otherwise. Something people have to pay attention to. Fragile. Sick. Dying. Or dead.
So that's what I'll do.