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You’re tired. You never sleep at the clocktower anymore, never wake up feeling rested after a loop, you’re just awake. And then you die. And then you’re awake again.
The head housemaiden stands in the middle of the room as always. Your family members are in their places, as always. You want to talk to them, but…
You’re so tired.
Maybe… maybe you can get some rest here! There’s no reason to reset the loop right away, maybe…
You silently creep back down the stairs to the smaller foyer, and lay down on the ground. Okay. Rest. You can rest. You can sleep now, and then- and then- and then-
“Siffrin?”
… Of course. You don’t open your eye. The footsteps get a little closer. “Are you alright?”
You nod and bite your lip, struggling not to cry from the question. Mira’s so caring. “… Tired.”
Odile huffs a laugh. “And I thought I would be the one most worn out from all of this.”
This is new. It’s nice to hear them say something new.
Mira hums thoughtfully. “You do always look so comfortable in your naps. Can… may we join you?”
Oh. Your heart aches. Your eye burns. You nod.
It’s strange, how you can tell who is who based on their movements. Mira is careful and delicate. Bonnie flops onto the floor like a fish. Isa lays close at your side.
And Odile… “Siffrin. Are you alright?”
Are you- oh. Your face. You forgot to smile.
You pull your hat over your face. Stop it. Stop it.
Mira hums. “It’s hard to believe we did it, isn’t it?”
Ha. Ha! You want to laugh. You want to scream. You can’t seem to cry.
The others make various noises of agreement. You try to breathe. You want to loop back. You want to run to the head housemaiden. You want to end it with your dagger. You want to jump off the roof, anything to stop this feeling. Your chest jumps with a strangled sob. “Wh-what do I do?” How do you end these loops? How do you end this one? You’re so tired, and every moment you’re with them, improvising like this, is a moment things can go wrong.
Isa huffs. “Yeah, I know what you mean. I didn’t really think that hard about what I’d do after we won either. Sort of felt like I’d jinx it.”
Mira chuckles, and you force yourself to breathe. “Me too.” She says. “I mean, Dormont is my home, but… Change, I really enjoyed travelling with everyone. Maybe… I could go on a pilgrimage?” She sounds nervous, saying it. Why does she sound so nervous?
Bonnie huffs. “I’m gonna go see Nille! And hug her!!”
Your heart hurts. You want that for them, more than anything, but…
It won’t happen. It can’t. Any minute now, you’ll go right back to yesterday, and you’ll do this all again. You’re so tired.
Odile hums. “I hadn’t thought about it either. Not seriously, at least. More travelling or home to Ka Bue? I… don’t know.” She sounds nervous too. What’s going on?
You’re all silent for a long minute after that. Eventually, Isa lets out a groan. “Okay, fine, I’ll be the one to ask! Do… any of you want to keep travelling together? After this?”
Huh? Huh?! You’re struck silent.
You’re not the only one. “I- wha- Isabeau?” Is all Mira can seem to get out.
Odile laughs aloud. “Oh, you’re going to milk this forever, huh?”
Isa laughs too. “You had as much opportunity to ask as I did, Madame!”
What’s happening. Why are they laughing. Why-
“I suppose you’re right.” She says, still chuckling. “That sounds… I’d love to.”
What?
“I wanna keep travelling!! Dile was gonna teach me how to cook more Ka Buan food! A-and Belle still needs to finish reading me that book I like!” Bonnie pipes up loudly. “Can we?!”
Your entire body feels numb.
“Oh, change, um, well, we’ll have to get you home to your sister first, Bonnie! A-and um, talk to her about it!” Her voice is tight, anxious, and somewhat disbelieving. “But- um- for what it’s worth, I… I’d love to keep travelling together. I didn’t want to ask because I already asked so much of you all! It- it wouldn’t have been right of me.”
You’re trembling so much that you can’t reach for your dagger. Oh.
“Sif?” Your eye burns. “What about you?”
You can’t. You can’t do this. They all want to keep travelling together. They’ll go off and be happy and the next thing you know you’re going to wake up in that blinding meadow, alone. They’ll leave you behind.
“Siffrin?” Odile is looking right at you, half pushed up into a sitting position. “What’s wrong?”
You try to breathe in to tell her you’re fine, but your breath catches and shakes. Odile’s face goes blurry, because you’re- oh. You’re crying.
You tug at your hat, trying to make yourself stop. This is wrong, this is wrong, you can’t do this! Why?! Why are you crying now?! You couldn’t do it earlier, not when you had the perfect opportunity, and now- now- now- “I-I c-can’t.” You whimper.
“Huh?” You hear Bonnie sit up too. “You can’t come with us? Why not?”
Ah. It hurts. It hurts so much. “I-I can’t- I’m- m’sorry.” You try to get your shaking under control. You can’t use your dagger effectively like this, and your legs are too unstable to stand on. You’re stuck, until you can calm down, so calm down, Siffrin.
You flex your hand, wishing for your dagger. Unexpectedly, Isabeau takes it. Slowly, carefully, as if waiting for you to pull away, he takes your hand. It’s warm. “C’mon buddy.” He murmurs. “Deep breaths.”
Right, yes. Great idea. You breathe in… and out. In… and out. Wow, this is going so well! A few more breaths and you might be able to kill yourself!
The thought makes you laugh. And then cry some more. And squeeze Isa’s hand so tightly you can hear his knuckles pop.
Odile sighs heavily. “Siffrin, I- have a theory as to what’s going on. Can you tell me… how many times have you been here, in this room?”
Your mouth twists. Your stomach drops. You need to loop back, but Isa’s holding your hand and you still can’t move. “M’fine.”
Odile is silent for a moment. “Yesterday, the moment I told you I was looking for a familytale, you knew exactly where it was, and I’ve been looking for months. You’ve been more withdrawn, you knew where all the keys were in the house, even the one in the classroom.”
No, no, no, stop!
“The rocks fell and you didn’t even flinch. We didn’t take a single wrong turn, and… the books we read, about time craft, and… wish craft.”
She’ll hate you. They’ll all hate you!
“Something went wrong, didn’t it? You- what you said to the king, about being imprisoned.” Her voice turns, but not into the anger you’d expected. She sounds… worried. “You’ve been stuck here for some time, haven’t you? And we don’t remember.”
You gasp for air, shaking violently. You can’t! You can’t do this! Maybe if you’re quick, you can jump off the roof. That would do it, right?
But… Odile’s terrified of heights. It shouldn’t matter, it shouldn’t matter, but you know how deeply it would scar her if you did that. And you can’t hurt her. You can’t hurt any of them.
“Sif?” Isa’s voice is so soft and kind. You want to wrap yourself in it like a blanket.
You’re so tired. You whimper.
“Frin?”
Mira shifts. “Siffrin? Madame’s right, you’ve been acting strangely… Please, tell us what’s wrong.”
You shake your head. You just wanted to lay down. You just wanted to rest, a little bit, before everything reset again.
“It doesn’t matter.” You mumble, an ounce of resolve in your aching limbs. You won’t use your dagger. They deserve better than that, but maybe… you can get to the head housemaiden.
“Frin.” Bonnie has crawled over to your side. They wait for you to look at them, and then flop onto you, their face pressed into your stomach and their arms wrapping around you. “We’re family, right? That means we wanna help.” Their voice trembles. “You helped me a whole bunch!! Can’t… do you not want us to…”
Oh Bonbon. “No- Bonbon, that’s not- it’s... not that easy.”
They sniffle. “So-so you won’t even let us try?!”
That’s…
You can’t. You need to loop back now. Every second you’re here with them like this erodes your resolve a little more.
Isa’s voice is soft. “Sif. I’m sorry we didn’t notice before. If-” his voice catches. “If you have to go, to- to do whatever you’ve gotta do, then… we’ll be there next time, okay? It doesn’t have to be now, or this us, but. Please. Promise me you’ll let us help.”
You risk a glance at him and immediately wished you hadn’t. Isabeau looks utterly heartbroken. It’s your fault. It’s your fault he looks like that right now.
Looking away from him does not, in fact, solve the problem. It makes it four times worse, because the rest of them are looking at you the exact same way. Mirabelle’s eyes brim with tears. Bonbon can’t even hate you. Odile has this guilt-ridden look that seems to encompass every inch of her.
You let go of Isa’s hand press your own hands over your face. Your mouth twists. It’s not fair. It’s not fair! “I don’t know what to do.”
They’re all at your side in a snap. “Do you mean… is madame right, then, Siffrin?” Mira bites her lip. “It sounds weird, but… I don’t think she’d suggest it if she wasn’t certain.”
You nod, not lowering your hands. “I-I’m sorry, I’ve- tried but I’m- s-so tired, and I don’t know what to-” You bite down on your tongue to keep from sobbing. Your words are starting to meld together.
The others are silent as you force deep breaths. Every passing moment reinforces just how much of a stupid blinding mistake this was. You could have just rested in the meadow! Why did you do this?! Why?!
When you lower your hands, Odile’s is the first face that comes into focus. She looks… concerned. Guilty. She sighs through her nose. “Siffrin, it’s not exactly the most pressing of our current issues but… we’ve always been under the impression that you don’t like being touched. Is- is that correct?”
Oh. Oh. A painful lump forms in your throat.
Bonbon pipes up from your chest. Thank the stars. “Nuh uh!! We talked yesterday a whole bunch! Frin said he’s not used to people touching him, that’s why he jumps! So, so, so, if they know I’m gonna do it and they see me, it’s okay! Right?”
Embarrassment would normally take over when you’re feeling this exposed, but you’re far too busy not falling apart at the seams to worry about that. You squeeze your eye shut and give a jerky nod. Isa and Mira make quiet, heartbroken noises.
“Then,” Mira says, sounding on the verge of tears herself. “Can we… you really seem like you need a hug right now. Um, do you…”
Your stomach twists in shame. Why would any of them want to touch your disgusting skin? She’s only offering because she’s such a good person. She’d probably hug the King if he asked.
You plaster on your best smile. “I’m fine!”
They all… stare at you. Then Isa gives a short, humourless laugh. “Oh, buddy, you’re not a good liar.”
He moves first. Then Mira. Just hesitantly enough that you see them, and then you’re engulfed in a group hug.
Crack.
You freeze. This isn’t right. You don’t get to be in the group hugs. You get left out because you’re disgusting and manipulative and horrible, so why-why-why are they all holding you right now?
Odile catches your eye and tilts her head, silently asking if you’re okay.
Crack.
Bonbon squeezes tightly. Your head is resting on Isa’s chest. Mira is pressed softly against your shoulder.
Crack.
Odile’s hand finds your hair and that’s the end of you. You’re sobbing hopelessly in their arms, spluttering out half formed apologies in between snot and blubbering, and okay, now it’s embarrassing. And pathetic, because it’s not going to change a blinding thing. Just one more twist of the knife, because they’ll all forget, they’ll all leave you behind-
You want to scream.
Isa’s arms squeeze gently. “We gotcha, buddy. It’s okay.”
This hurts more than the rock. More than dying to the King. “I-I-I d-don’t wanna go.” You whimper. “I don’t w-wanna g-go back again.”
“We won’t let you.” Mira says, her voice surprisingly determined. “We won’t let you go.”
“Yeah!” Bonbon pipes up. “I’m gonna- gonna kick… whatever’s doing this’s butt!”
You… laugh.
You love them.
Odile’s hand shifts to rub circles on your back. Feels nice.
She waits for you to catch your breath. “Siffrin. You must know this already, but… if you’re the only one who knows how to wish properly, and you’re the only one this happened to… then it must be tied to your wish.”
You know. You know. But you can’t do this!
Bonnie humphs against you. “Oh! Hmmm… Dile, how do I punch a wish?”
You laugh again. Mira and Isa chuckle along.
You love them.
Odile’s hand knocks playfully against your head. “The first step would be telling us what it was.” She grins sheepishly. “I used this unique and powerful craft to win a coin flip.”
Did she even win the coin flip this loop? You can’t remember.
You feel more than hear Mira’s giggle. “I just wished for what everyone else wished for!”
Bonnie grumbles quietly. “I wanted to see my sister.”
You know. You know.
Isa rests his head atop yours. “I couldn’t think of anything.” He admits. “I was too scared to wish for the wrong thing!”
You know.
Mira rubs one hand up your arm, not loosening the hug. None of them do. “So? Siffrin? What did you wish for?”
You’ve never been able to refuse her. Your tears are spent, your body exhausted, your mind overwhelmed with more touch than you can ever remember receiving in your life, and you wished for… this. “I-” quickly, before you stop yourself. “I just wanted to stay with everyone!”
They all go… very still. You can’t stop now that you’ve started, it seems. “A-after we beat the King we’re all supposed to go back home! Isa to Jouvente, Mira to the house, Bonnie to their sister and Odile to Ka Bue and I-I don’t have anywhere!”
“Sif…” Isa sounds stricken.
You tremble. “It’s- s’all gone, e-everyone I- I can’t even remember-” You hiccup. “And if-if I let go, then…” You can’t. You can’t say aloud how petrifying that thought is.
“You’re scared that if we go our separate ways, you’d forget us.” Odile supplies, her face notably paler.
You nod shamefacedly. “I’m sorry- I didn’t m-mean to trap everyone, I-I didn’t know-”
Mira nuzzles against her cheek. “You told me once that travelling together was the happiest you could remember being.” She murmurs. “I… I was so worried about why you’d say that that I didn’t get to tell you, but… I’ve loved travelling with everyone too. It felt awful to let myself think, with everything that’s happened, but I’m so glad I got to meet all of you! I’d like nothing more than to keep travelling together. And even after that! I-I want to keep you all in my life for a long long time.”
Bonnie bunches their hands in your cloak. “I-I wanna stay together.” They mumble, keeping their head bowed. “I-I’m really happy that Nille’s gonna be okay and I can go see her and hug her, b-but… I don’t wanna go back alone. I wanna keep travelling together!”
“Heh, me too.” Isa squeezes you all tighter. “I was… scared, following you, Mira. Scared of what was happening to Vaugarde, scared that we might not be able to stop it, scared of- of leaving everything behind, in Jouvente.” He smiles, eyes shining. “I’m not scared now. I… I love you guys.”
Odile scoffs. “Emotions, gross.”
Isa snickers. “Complain all you want, M’dame, it’s your turn.” He bats his eyes at her. “You want to stay together too, huh?”
She rolls her eyes. “Yes, yes, of course I do.” She ruffles your hair. Feels nice. “I thought I’d eventually get around to asking some of you if you’d like to keep travelling together. It’d be nice, not having to worry about the curse, after all. And… I’ve had fun.” She gives a sheepish little grin. “Heh. Honestly, Siffrin, I thought at least that you and I could accompany Boniface back to Bambouche. And if you didn’t have plans after that… well.”
Oh. She… wanted you to go with her and Bonnie? … They all? Want to stay together?
Your heart hurts. It’s not fair. You want to cry, but you’ve used up all your tears. “But I- I can’t. I’ve tried everything and I’m- I’m stuck!”
Odile huffs a laugh. “Oh, you’ve told us all this before? That you’re trapped in time, that you made that wish?”
… You don’t say anything.
Mira withdraws her grip, just a little. You try not to panic. “Siffrin. How did you go back? Was there something you’d do or we’d do, or…”
You… probably shouldn’t tell them how many times you’ve died. Besides. You know.
It’s all over when you talk to her.
“When I… talk to the head housemaiden. It’s like… something breaks. She always says the same thing, how something’s rotting and broken and she can’t fix it before-”
Silence.
“… Huh.” Isa says, after a moment. “Hm. Well… what if I talk to-”
You’re clinging to him before he can finish the thought. No. No no no no, you can’t, you don’t know what’ll happen but you can’t let him go!
“Woah woah woah, hey, it’s okay!” You. Can’t. Let go. “Sif, buddy, please, I’ve gotta breathe!”
Ah. Yes. Good point. You loosen your grip. “… Sorry.”
Isa smiles. “Aw, it’s okay!” And with a moment of hesitation, making sure you can see, he brings one hand up to rest on your head. It’s… nice. “We’ve gotta figure something out though.”
Odile chuckles. “What if we’re simply… horribly offensive and leave without speaking to her?”
You snort from surprise, then find you can’t stop laughing. Stars, can it be that simple?
Mira gasps dramatically. “Madame! So rude!”
Odile gives a dangerous grin. “Well, my first idea was to push her over the balcony, so...”
“Madame!”
Oh. Now she’s laughing too. “I didn’t say we should do it!”
Bonnie perks up. “I can do it!”
“No!!” Three voices shout in response, and the next thing you know you’re all laughing. It’s dumb. It’s so dumb. You’re not going to kill the head housemaiden.
You… can’t remember the last time you were all laughing together. It makes your heart soar.
“Oh! Is everything alright?”
Your heart drops. It’s in freefall. You know that voice.
No no no no no no nonononononono.
The others fall silent. Isa squeezes you reassuringly. “We’re doing just fine, M’dame head housemaiden, just uh…”
“Planning your grisly murder.” Odile says, earning a laugh from the others. Your stomach is in knots, but… she hasn’t said anything yet.
Mira makes a frustrated noise. “We’re not! Euphrasie, I promise, no one is getting murdered!”
She laughs. It… doesn’t sound as familiar as you’d expected. “Oh, don’t worry, I’m aware that in-jokes tend to form with groups as close as yours.” She glances towards the door. “I saw from the window that there’s a celebration forming in the town! It would be a shame for you all to miss it. Guests of honour and so on!”
She’s… not. Saying. Anything that she usually says. She’s not standing on the spot she usually stands on. Mira’s hand squeezes yours, and you swallow the lump in your throat. “U-um. Hi.”
Euphrasie cocks her head curiously and offers a polite smile. “Hello!”
Gahhhhhh. “D-do you- feel okay?”
She looks. Confused. Your stomach churns. “I’m… fairly well, yes! Somewhat hungry though, so I may go and join the festivities! You should all join as well, once you’re done here.”
Your breathing is getting faster. Haaaaaaaaah.
“We will, thank you.” Odile covers, walking Euphrasie to the door and spinning some tale of your exhaustion or something to explain why you’re- you’re-
“Frin.” Bonnie says, peeling themselves away from your chest enough to rest their open palm on it. “Big breaths, right? Like you taught me to do?”
Right. Yes. You breathe iiiiin… and ouuuut. Good. Iiiiiin… ouuuuut…
Your head is spinning. They seem hesitant to let you go. Good. Good. Please don’t let go!
In…
Out…
In…
Out…
Mira nuzzles against the side of your head. “That’s good, you’re doing great.”
Isa squeezes your hand, offering a reassuring smile. You can feel Bonbon’s hands against your chest, pressing just hard enough that you can really truly feel your breathing. You’ve just about grounded yourself when that subtle click of footsteps indicates Odile’s return.
You somehow manage to meet her gaze. She’s watching you cautiously, questioningly. You swallow, but can’t speak. Can’t lie and say you’re okay.
Isa clears his throat. “So, M’dame, did you uh, finish the job?”
Odile smirks and adjusts her glasses. “I’m not at liberty to discuss the details of the arrangement. Suffice it to say, I, uh, took care of her.”
… Oh. A snort bursts from your throat before you can stop it, and the next thing you know you’re giggling helplessly. The others are laughing too. You feel lighter than air. You… don’t want to go.
Odile crouches down closer to your level. “I think that… us all agreeing to stay together has changed things.” She extends a hand. You blink at her. “I have some research to do on the topic, but for now, you need some rest.”
Isa chuckles softly. “Time loop-ology?”
Mira and Bonbon snicker, and you exchange a secret smile with Odile before taking her hand and pulling yourself up, and- woah.
… Yeah. You definitely need rest. You’re not at all steady on your feet.
Isa’s at your side in a snap. “You okay, Sif?”
You nod, offering a weak smile. “M’okay. Thanks, Isa.”
He carefully wraps an arm around you to keep you steady. You fight not to melt completely against him. “Okay! I’ll get you back to the clocktower for some rest, M’dame can do her research, and you guys can go party!”
Mira and Bonbon give outraged gasps. “I-I can’t party when Siffrin’s… like this!” Mira exclaims.
“Yeah!”
Oh. But. Mira put so much work into saving Vaugarde! She should get to enjoy the celebrations. “M-Mira, you should- go have fun. I’ll be okay.”
“Oh, Siffrin…” She moves close to you and after a moment of hesitation, presses a kiss to your head. “I won’t have fun until I know you’re okay.”
An ‘I’m fine!’ rises in your throat like bile, but you can’t. You can’t. You’re not. But. For the first time, you feel like you will be.
Bonbon punches you gently. “Me neither!! I’m not gonna kiss you though. Gross.”
You laugh.
Bonbon perks up. “Wait!! Waitwaitwait, Frin! Are you hungry??? You’re always hungry, I- me and Belle can steal a bunch of food! And bring it back to the clocktower for you!!”
“Oh! That sounds like a great idea!” Isa exclaims, starting you all towards the door.
Odile hums in amusement. “So, to be clear, we’ll all be avoiding the celebration of our victory.”
Mira laughs awkwardly. “I- to be honest, I’ve never loved parties. Even my birthday parties. Everyone stares at me!”
You cross the threshold without saying a word. It’s nice, to listen to them.
“I dunno, it can be fun!” Isa says brightly. “I get it though; I never know what to do when everyone is singing.”
What?
“I’m sorry, you sing a song on your birthday?” Odile sounds as baffled as you.
The other three laugh. “No, that’s stupid, Dile, everyone else sings the song!”
“Yes, everyone sings it together to wish you a happy birthday!”
“Ah, I see. That sounds deeply uncomfortable.”
Isa grins innocently. “Say, M’dame, when did you say your birthday was?”
She glares at him. “I didn’t.”
You cough. The words ‘May sixteenth’ might be buried under your cough. Who can say.
“Oh, you little-” Her hand roughly tousles your hair, and you bubble up with a laugh. “I’m leaving now. Which way was that secret library?”
The others look around in confusion. You rattle off the directions without thinking about it. You try to ignore how Odile’s eyes fill with concern. She sighs. “I’ll see you all at the clocktower.”
You give her what you hope is a reassuring nod in farewell. You don’t even make it out of the house before falling asleep against Isa’s shoulder.
You wake hours later, in the clocktower, with an impressive amount of pilfered food laid out in front of you. Mira tuts that you’re too thin. Bonbon gives you a comprehensive ranked list of all the different pastries. Isa brings you anything you look at for more than a moment. Odile sits with an impressive stack of books from the house, leafing through them one at a time. They’re here. With you.
You swallow a pastry whole and yawn.
“Heh, still tired Sif?”
Your eye already feels heavy. You nod.
“Go back to sleep.” Odile says, her voice quietly affectionate.
Mira hums in agreement and moves to run her fingers through your hair. Feels nice. “We’ll be here when you wake up.”
Mmm. That. Sounds nice. Your eye falls closed. “Promise?”
They all hum in response. “Promise.” Isa murmurs.
“Super duper promise!” Bonnie whispers loudly.
You smile as you fall asleep.
You’re tired.