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He didn’t say it, but they always knew how to speak to each other without words.
Don’t go. Please don’t go.
“You know it, Levi. My time has come. I’m giddy with excitement to make an extra cool exit. So please…just let me go, will you?”
-
Levi made sure to maintain his balance as he carried the large pack of baked goods in his palms. Knowing Sasha, there would be more than just a skirmish to divide the sweets equally between her and the rest of the squad. Levi planned for this and ordered over two dozen.
He arrived back at headquarters, the treats still warm in the tin foil they were wrapped in. After grabbing some of his stash of black tea packets from his room, he followed the sounds of muffled chatter in the dining hall and opened the wooden door slightly to peek at his squad— Jean, Eren, Armin, and Mikasa were huddled at one of the tables. They looked solemn— no, distressed, as they sat hunched over and discussed with monotone voices. Jean kept running his hands through his hair. Armin sat with his knees to his chest. Eren stared at the table, unblinking. Mikasa stared at him.
Levi had enough of this.
With a small knock, he announced himself to the room. “Where's Sasha and Connie?”
The four teens turned their attention to Levi. Jean spoke first. “They're in the stables, putting back a couple of the horses…what are those?” He pointed to Levi’s delivery.
"They're for us.”
He would never admit it, but the small happiness Levi felt at the relief on the kids’ faces was enough to power his whole day. He opened the tin foil full of baked wonders: there was banana bread, chocolate loaves, puff pastries, sugar cookies, donuts— jelly-filled and glazed— and all hand-picked by the captain to accommodate his squads’ tastes. Armin and Mikasa would play it safe with the glazed donuts, while Eren and Jean preferred the richness of chocolate loaves (as much as they loved to disagree, the two boys were more alike than they would ever admit). By the time Sasha and Connie arrived, the room was loud and the sweets were over halfway devoured, save for a couple sugar cookies and banana bread Levi set aside for Hange. He glanced at them for a second as Armin helped him pour the tea into separate cups— the tin foil surface was reduced to colorful crumbs, Mikasa was tasting a bite of Sasha’s donut, making a face at the sugary texture, and Levi could have sworn he saw a small smile escape Eren as Connie harassed Jean with his sticky jelly fingers, his voice raising an octave in annoyance.
This is how they were supposed to be. Loud, sticky, and annoying.
Levi was able to slip out quietly from the ruckus and find a room two halls down. It was the office he used to meet Erwin in, many a year ago, discussing battle plans and corps schedules with the rest of their comrades over tea and treats of their own. Today was his attempt at restoring that same feeling, but there was only one person left who could recall those ashes from the past.
He knocked gently on the door of the Commander’s office.
"Come in.”
Levi opened the door to the sight of Hange’s head buried in their hands. “If it’s another letter from Historia, I’ll make sure to look at it when I— oh, Levi. It’s you.”
"I know. What a surprise.” He replied dryly.
Hange put their glasses back on and tucked some hair behind their ears, as if to tidy themselves. “No, I just thought you were one of the kids.” They looked at Levi’s handheld cargo and raised an eyebrow. “And what’s that, may I ask?”
"When was the last time you ate?” Levi said, walking over to the cluttered desk of his commander, who rearranged some stray documents before letting him rest the plate of tea and bread on the table. He brought a chair from the back of the room and seated himself on it. Hange looked at the food in bewilderment like Levi asked them to wave a wand and make it dance.
“...not since this morning. Is that banana bread?” Hange took the bread in awe. “I haven’t had one of these since…since that one time Erwin’s carrier came with all those sweets that his wife baked for us.” Levi remembered the day vividly. Unaccustomed to such luxury, the scouts hovered around the treats before deciding to split them up among the members of the corps.
Hange munched gratefully on their bread as Levi took a sip of tea. They had always been a messy eater, something the captain usually berated them for, but now that he sat in the unusually tidied office, he appreciated the way the crumbs fell from Hange’s hands to their desk. It had been a while since he saw a ghost of a genuine smile on their face, one that wasn’t plastered on for the sake of keeping up the kids’ spirits. But those youngsters weren’t kids anymore, not really, so there was no need to feign happiness for the sake of their tainted hearts that were already broken long before Levi and Hange had met them.
"Have some.” Hange broke his reverie.
"I don’t have the juvenile taste you all do.”
“I’ve seen you put extra sugar packets in your tea. Now eat.”
“Are you asking me as my commander, or as my friend?”
Hange looked down on him, chin raised. “Commander. Eat with me, or you’ll be tried for insubordination.”
Levi huffed. He took a puff pastry off the plate, ripping a generous piece off and putting it in his mouth. “Abuse of power.”
As he felt the sugar paralyze him before Hange’s smile, the aroma of sweetness filled the halls of their haunted but sacred home, and the wishes of all, veteran and recruit, were uttered quietly in the warmth of their dining.
-
“This is how we're going to do it, so listen carefully. The buddy system: everyone has someone else they’re responsible for for the duration of the trip. Eren and Mikasa, I trust you to keep an eye on each other. Armin, you’re with Connie. Jean, you’ll be with Sasha. Yes, I separated you and Connie because you will get lost together.”
Sasha lowered her raised hand and glanced meekly at Connie. The squad was lined up at the dock like they were back on their first day of the cadet corps.
“Lastly, the most important thing is to keep a low profile. That means once we leave this island, no running around, no titan talk, and do not mention anything about walls.”
“But Captain, who’ll be your buddy?” Connie asked.
Levi scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m here so Hange doesn’t run off with a car thinking it’s a horse.”
“That’s if they can even find his short ass in the crowd…” Connie whispered to Armin, who tried and failed to stifle a laugh.
“What was that, Connie?”
“Nothing!”
The ride to Odiha was beautiful. The eight of them could barely keep their eyes off the ocean. Even though it was just miles and miles of open water, it was a sight no man in the walls had seen in over a century. Connie and Jean hooted and hollered over fish they saw beneath the surface, begging Hange to catch one for them (they were well aware that Levi would give them an immediate no). Armin was in an animated conversation with one of the Azumabito visitors, Mikasa admiring his fervor next to him. Eren stood wordlessly at the far end of the boat, probably lost in an unknown memory.
Levi settled with leaning his hands on the boat railing, feeling the salty scent of the water wash itself under him. As he felt the waves lick his hair with stray droplets, he breathed in a comfortable sigh and thought to himself: that despite all that had transpired in the wake of Erwin’s death, Armin might have been onto something. He sensed Hange approaching next to him.
"I guess you could say we’re going back to our original mission,” They said, eyes glittering and their tone unusually triumphant. “It’s time to scout.”
Levi looked up at Hange with the same gaze he had when they first suggested visiting Marley two weeks ago. Their words stuck with him:
“If they don’t know who we are, we’ll just have to go and meet them!”
There was something about their endless yearning for compatibility with the unknown that always made Levi stop in his tracks. Like Erwin, Hange had the glint in their eye that saw something beyond what Levi himself could see. But they had a kindness inside them that the former commander lacked; it was interest mixed with love, love for things Hange hadn’t yet seen, for people whose names they had yet to know. And every time Levi saw the telltale signs of that interest reflected in Hange’s glasses, he internally hoped some of it would bounce back onto him, so that he might absorb some of that love that Hange was so willing to give.
Hours of sailing later, Connie had finally puked himself silly out of seasickness and the shore of Odiha was upon them. The hustle and bustle of Marley’s hoi-polloi got progressively louder as they approached and crossed the dock. The group stayed together as they navigated the streets, Levi making sure his subordinates were upholding the buddy system he enforced before they sailed.
Before they could leave the boardwalk, a grey-haired man stood in their way, holding a tall mechanical device. “Would you like a photo with your family as proof of your travels?”
“This is like the photo in Grisha's book,” Hange whispered to Levi. “We would love one, thank you! May I ask what device you’re using to prop your camera up like that?”
After Hange spent several minutes interrogating the man about the camera, they ushered the seven soldiers in front of its lens, moving either of them this way and that to accommodate their varying heights. It got to the point where it all got too chaotic, and before Hange got the opportunity to adjust their hat, the cameraman shouted—
“Everyone say, ‘Port Odiha!’”
"Hah?”
There was a flash of bright light and in a second it was over. When Hange exchanged six coins for a blank sheet of paper, they had to reassure Jean that it was just the photo “developing”, and that it would be visible in a few minutes.
“My good friends! Welcome to Marley!”
The familiar voice made Hange whip their head around in excitement. “Onyankopon!” They greeted him with a hearty handshake.
“You both look well. I hope you enjoy your stay. As you can see, the seaside merchantry might be a tad bit overwhelming.”
Levi stopped listening at the word “both”. He whipped his head around to look for the kids. Of course, three of them were already knee deep in an ice cream stall. The buddy system was a long shot, anyway, he thought with a sigh.
“Hey,” he called to Eren a few feet away, Mikasa and Armin trailing behind him. At least someone was following the rules. “Don’t fall too far behind.”
Eren nodded in agreement. His unusual compliance almost bothered Levi, but he’d rather not be responsible for chasing six kids around the streets of a foreign country.
“The Azumabitos have all your accommodations prepared for the evening,” Onyankopon continued, “you should be able to meet with Kiyomi as early as tonight. She is eager to meet you again.”
“It’s reciprocated.” Hange said, but Levi knew that was a half-lie.
It was a consensus between the two of them that the Azumabitos were not their primary ally, no matter how much Kiyomi devoted herself to Mikasa. Hange had spent the last three years driving themselves crazy on who they could trust and who they couldn’t, but despite it all, their alliance with the volunteers was the reason the commander was able to develop Paradis beyond the sticks and stones that it was before. For the commander worked hard, and it was their pursuit of knowledge that led them here to Marley, and had the scouts licking cold cups of cream with a newfound wonder Levi hadn’t seen on them in months.
“No one is going to think they’re island devils if they see that.” Hange said, gazing at Jean, Connie and Sasha with a smile.
Levi shook his head. “I told them to keep a low profile.”
“All acts of tourism here are good research, Levi. Think of it as another survey,” They leaned down, muttering in his ear, “you know, minus the swords and man-eating giants.”
Levi huffed and turned his head. His eyes were inches away from Hange’s lenses, their irises impossibly brown. “Seems like a foreign concept.”
For a moment Levi forgot the commotion around him and let himself be anchored by Hange’s steady gaze. He would follow them all around the world if they asked.
Levi felt Hange slip something into the pocket of his blazer. It was the group photo they took when they arrived. “Keep this for me, will you? We might add it to a mantle back home or something. A symbol of our travels.”
Levi secured the thick piece of film in his pocket.
The rest of the day moved the way Levi predicted it to go— controlled chaos. Levi became a laughing stock in front of Hange and Onyankopon after a creepy clown encounter. Ever the curious commander, they ended up harassing a moving vehicle with carrots while Jean and Armin removed themselves from association out of sheer embarrassment. When they all made a narrow escape after Levi unintentionally put a foreign child in danger of a public beating, the nutty family decided they would use the evening to “cool off”.
Of course, the two veterans' versions of this were drastically different than their younger counterparts.
“Let them have this, Levi, it’s just one night,” Hange said, sitting in the middle of a Marleyan tavern after they left Onyankopon with the rest of the squad by the refugee tents. “I know you trust Eren more than anyone. There’s hardly anything they can do with Mikasa around.”
“I had a system.” Levi grumbled, crossing his arms. He sank into his chair, making him look even smaller than he actually was.
“You and I both know the buddy system was bullsh—”
“Would the two of you be interested in our couples’ special?” An extravagantly dressed waiter suddenly approached their table, wearing an overly sized bowtie and a pinstriped suit. Levi felt visually assaulted.
“We’re not a—”
“We would love to!” Hange interrupted, grabbing the decorated menu off the waiter’s hands. Levi gave them a questioning look.
“Perfect!” the waiter exclaimed. “Could I get you two started on some drinks?”
“Hmm…I’ll have what you call, uh…” it was then that Hange realized that they couldn’t recognize any of the characters on the menu. They pointed at the most colorful drink and showed it to the waiter. “I’ll have this one. Make it two!”
“Two piña coladas, coming up!”
As soon as he saw the waiter’s back retreat, Levi raised his eyebrow at Hange. “What are you doing?”
“We came here to scout, didn’t we? It’s only natural that we expand our knowledge diplomatically and…gustatorially as well…” Their voice trailed off as they saw a dramatically large tray of stacked pink sandwiches pass by. They turned back to Levi, eyes shining. “It’s just like Nicolo said— people eat all sorts of things here, things that don’t even look edible! To think we were just surviving on bread and tea before.”
“Hey, don’t shade my tea.” Levi said when Hange huffed with mirth. He wondered how the two of them looked here, dressed up as strangers in a Marleyan bar, eating Marleyan cuisine, as if the slightest misstep wouldn’t expose them as the devils from Paradis. That was what he was most afraid of. It was too high risk a mission to be content with enjoying the sights as if nothing was wrong.
Levi became hyperaware of their position. To a knowing person, he and Hange were a stain of blood in this room, filled with people who hailed from all places of the world except Paradis. He couldn’t help but remember the few times he went drinking back home with old friends of his own, in a scenery quite similar to this one: Hange and Erwin on either side of him, Hange debating about the same extraterrestrial topic for the nth time, Erwin their enabler. Miche and Mobilit would watch the scene with drinks in their hands while Nanaba tried (and failed) to refute Hange’s claims. Hange was always the life of the party, and everyone would revere them as if they stole all the air from the room. Levi wondered how these foreigners would react to them now, and almost pitied them for hating his homeland so much that they would never know what it was like to have their breath taken away.
He couldn’t help but realize he was beginning to mourn something he never even had. No matter how late they were to the game, the rest of the world hadn't stopped. Paradis was home, but in the history books from abroad, it had always served as a breeding ground for the spawns of Satan— universally hated, eternally cursed. Levi had faced discrimination before, but for his very existence to be condemned was something he couldn't quite understand. Was Hange not human? Did they not deserve to live? Were those kids— as annoying as they are— truly the spawn of the devil? Did they not brighten his every day? Did they not fight tooth and nail to get to the seashore, just for their dreams to be shattered between the pages of three worn books?
“Ouuuu this one’s got a kick!” Hange exclaimed when the waiter served the drinks. It was a bright orange color with a mini umbrella attached to the top, matching Levi’s own. “I take that back, Levi, your tea is definitely better. This tastes like— I don’t even know what it tastes like!” They continued drinking and squealing after each sip.
Levi wanted to maintain his gloomy outlook on their situation. It was hopeless. But his thoughts kept being interrupted by Hange’s ruckus, and he felt a twinge of shame. Hange, disguised in a mainland suit and tie, who was thrown into position as commander against their will, who lost sleep playing a leader, soldier, diplomat, and scientist in the wake of revelation, bore it all with a smile for the benefit of those who would come after them, and the ones who preceded them. It was Hange who bore most of the burden that Erwin so mercilessly thrust upon the two of them. So when he looked at the expressions they contorted their face into after sipping their piña colada, he wondered, if just for a moment, it was permissible to retain hope, despite it all.
Levi took a sip of his drink. It was disgusting, and Hange pointed at his face and laughed when he spit it into his napkin.
He missed this. He missed everything.
This was not another hill they were to overcome, this was the final stretch, where it would result in an Eldian victory, or their end. Levi had come to terms with this years ago. Hange did too. There would be no going back to those old times. They did not live in a world where they had the luxury of pretending that they were just human beings.
But…it didn’t hurt to dream about it for a little bit.
The weird waiter returned. Hange asked for the strange seaweed rolls that had seafood and rice inside them, but before the waiter could depart, Levi called him back.
“What are those pink sandwiches called?”
“Ah, those are macarons! A juvenile taste, but no less popular amongst the youngsters. I could get you a few servings of them. You got kids?”
Hange looked at him with a straw between their lips, their face softening. Levi collected the menus and returned them to the waiter.
“Yeah…six of them.”
Later, when the pair met up with Onyankopon and had to drag his drunk squad out of a refugee tavern, he rescinded his earlier idea of disaster. He couldn’t help himself. He had a wonderful life.
-
If their situation wasn’t already complicated before, it was made even more so after Eren’s departure. Levi remembered Hange being furious— not the incendiary kind of anger that they shared with Eren, but the disappointed kind that resulted in silence and cold speeches. Levi could feel Hange like a cold man felt the heat of a furnace, where the ears may not hear a thing, but the body and heart understood plainly what needed to be said. This was exacerbated after losing Sasha, and it was then that he and Hange decided that the two of them were Frankenstein, and their creature had gone out of control.
Sitting in a forest with Zeke of all people was hardly the scenery Levi preferred to be in to process his emotions. It was that expedition all over again, where he concentrated his trust in one person, watched the people he loved die, and sat hoping—no—expecting the outcome to be worth it. It felt like a sick joke. After all he did to make sure Eren went down the right path, he found himself cleaning up the mess he created. Again.
Levi chose not to pay attention to the taste of betrayal that permeated his throat as he sipped his tea. Zeke was using the light of the fire between them to read the same book for the seventh time that month. It pissed Levi off. He considered pouring his hot liquid on the bastard’s head unprovoked.
He instead searched his pocket for an extra sugar packet he brought with him. To his surprise, he found a thick piece of paper, and immediately recognized from its texture as the photo he and his squad took a year and a half ago in Marley.
It was mildly blurry, and took a sepia tone that made each of their faces starkly pale. Levi recognized himself in the foreground with Hange’s arm slung around his shoulder as their hat threatened to fall over their glasses. He immediately noticed how small he looked compared to them, and cringed at his own stunned expression. Never having seen a photo of himself, he became self-concious— is this how other people saw him? Jean stood tall in the background behind everyone, teeth gleaming, with Connie and Sasha crouching under him in an attempt to mimic some sort of western gang pose. Armin stood adjacent to them, caught in a mid-laugh, while Mikasa stood on the other side with a small smile. She leaned into Eren, whose gaze focused on his company rather than the camera.
It was a stupid photo, Levi thought, and he didn’t remember taking it out of his suit pocket. But the longer he looked at it the more those feelings washed over him again. It was the same feeling he had when he served the brats their sweets all those years ago, his failure to preserve their youth physicalized through a pang he sensed in his stomach. Hange’s smile in the photo would always strangle his heart, because there was no way they could be happy in Marley considering the circumstances. But perhaps they were, if only for a moment, and Levi asked himself internally, if all this unbearable pain was the price they had to pay for those miniscule moments of happiness that would forever be trapped in a five-by-eight sepia photograph.
He refused to look depressed in front of Zeke, so he promptly put the photo back in his pocket. If only he had the chance to look at it again before his life flashed before his eyes and the shithead blew himself up in front of him. Levi couldn’t remember much after that, except the soft touch of hands wrapping cloth over his wounds, and the sweet confession that escaped the lips of his closest companion. It was a quiet dream that only existed in the dark, and, had they been born in a different time, Levi might have said yes. But he knew Hange well, and it was their endless perseverance in spite of their exhaustion that kept him chained to them for all these years.
The morning after Jean beat Reiner to a pulp, Levi awoke to a gentle breeze on his cheek. Hange sat on their knees in front of him, holding a cup of water and some potato stew they saved amidst last night's antics. His wounds were aching again.
“Good morning,” Hange greeted him tenderly. Something about their demeanor changed after the night in the forest. Levi figured they were worried he would shrivel up and die if they weren't hovering over him any chance they got. Hange slightly beat the potatoes with a spoon to soften them, making it easier for Levi to chew. “I made a whole other pot last night and didn’t want it to go to waste. Are you okay to eat?”
“Fine,” Levi said, voice hoarse. The sunrise washed faint purples and oranges on the foliage behind Hange, putting them in a low light that felt comfortable. His hearing was a bit muffled after the blast, so he couldn’t hear too clearly, only snippets of Annie berating Reiner to “wake the fuck up” as the rest of the alliance prepared to leave for the island shore.
Hange was swift but treated Levi’s wounds delicately. They changed the bandages that circled his head, light touches of wet cloth cleaning the dried blood that escaped between the makeshift stitches. Every few seconds they would pause briefly at Levi’s face, a face once so pristine now marred with jagged lines. He felt pitiful approaching Magath in his powerless state, but under Hange’s care, the insecurity had no place. The help he received from them was no more than they ought to do, and he would have done the same if the roles were reversed. Levi thought of his compliancy as a service to Hange more than anything, for he knew they loved him over anyone else, and his hushed reciprocation was the foundation of their relationship that blossomed between all words unsaid. It was no astonishing fact. Levi could taste it in every bite of his stew.
Hange rolled up the excess cloth and stuffed it in their pocket. “We’re on our way to the docks now. I wouldn’t be surprised if we encountered Yeagerists on the way, but we’re prepared for that.” They smiled curtly and Levi took a final sip of the stew. He looked up to see Hange watching him with those glossy brown eyes again.
“You gonna keep staring at me?”
Hange’s face was tinted the slightest of pinks. It matched the sunrise in the background. “We’ve been through a lot together, you and I,” Hange started, taking Levi’s injured hand in theirs and focusing on it instead. “All the bullshit I’ve seen, you were there. I never forgot how alive I felt when I saw you that first time we trained. Everyone else was harping on the fact that you were from the underground, but all I could think was: ‘wow…that guy is so fucking cool. He’s gonna be something someday. And I’m alive at the same time as him to see it.’” They chuckled dryly. “I’m so proud of you, Levi.”
Is this your version of looking ‘cool’?
Yes. Sick, isn't it? I’d like to go out the old-fashioned way: via titan, if you’ll let me.
Levi was silent in his surprise. This new, post-forest sentimental Hange was something he’d have to get used to.
He could only sit still. Where was this coming from? Why were they looking at him like that, like he would wither away at any moment?
“He made me commander, but I’ve done…nothing. Absolutely nothing.”
Ah. There it was, the lingering fear he knew Hange carried around with them everywhere. Levi knew that indirectly, he was the reason they bore that anvil around their ankle. They never brought it up, but Levi knew.
“If you want me to disagree with you, I will.” he said, slightly curling his remaining fingers around Hange’s own. “If you want me to agree with you, I will. But you’ll never know the fruit of your labor from my answer. I’ll always be honest with you, Hange, but look at me. I’m only one man, no matter how cool I seem.”
“You’re right…” Hange kept their hand in his, but their voice bordered on trembling. “That's why I want you to be there when I finally get my moment, so don’t go dying on me or anything, okay? I really thought I lost you for a second there.”
“You can’t get rid of me that easily. Who else is gonna make sure you adhere to the laws of hygiene?” Levi returned, attempting a joke to keep his voice stable.
“Yeah. You’re too stubborn to die. It’s the Ackerman in you.” Hange let go of his hand, bringing their own to their folded knees. "I'd really rather not have to see you in that state again. So when the time comes, just let me go first."
"Don't say shit like that."
"Levi."
Back then, Levi’s inability to think beyond that day caused him to miss the signs of finality in that moment, and pass it off as Hange expressing the fear of losing him again. He looked in Hange’s eye and saw the same light that tugged on his heart the day they first met, when they asked him to spill all his secrets about ODM training. Levi never felt like a specimen under those eyes, he had something far more interesting in him that surpassed the fascination Hange would get from any experiment, or any titan shifter they got their hands on. No, Hange's gaze was more intimate, more inviting, and— if Levi dared to imagine— loving, as if they were interested in touching the origins of his very soul.
"Are you asking me as my commander, or as my friend?"
"As your friend. That's all I am to you, aren't I?"
No. Levi thought. You're wrong.
"You may go first, Hange."
And the forest? What happened to that?
Another time, perhaps.
So, when the time came when he would place his fist on Hange’s heart to bless their farewell, he didn’t cry. He could only hold on to their heartbeat in between his fingers, the last feeling of it he would ever get. He remembered Hange telling him in that moment, through the phenomenon that was their shared telepathy, to hold on to that fist, and to never forget that there was no timeline that existed where Hange would not find him and bring him home. He trapped his cries in that fist. That same day, he used it to kill Eren.
If only they lived on a parallel plane, where, in another life, they could all be a true family, with a shared house that donned a calendar with the brats’ birthdays marked for reference, because they would have the luxury of planning ahead and celebrating them. Perhaps they would meet under different circumstances: at school, at work, at a bus stop— a slow, mundane scenery. Or perhaps they never met at all. At least then, Levi would never remember the pain of knowing all those tortured children, and the dear friend of his who he once called Hange Zoe.
Dedicate your heart, and I’ll dedicate mine. Isn’t that what we’ve always done?
Ha! I bet you'd never say that out loud.
“Dedicate your heart.”